PLL: The Perfectionists Recap - The Perfectionists Season 1 Episode 2
In terms of plot advancement, this episode of The Perfectionists was a tad slow-paced. In terms of hilarious scenes with Mona & her beautiful mind, this episode DELIVERED.
PLL The Perfectionists Recap: The Perfectionists Season 1 Episode 2
Welcome to a scumbag-free edition of The Perfectionists! Now that Nolan Hotchkiss is dead, the world is a better place with one less asshat in the population. Nolan will be remembered as a deceitful son, a cheating boyfriend, a plagiarizing student, a manipulative blackmailer, and an all-around bad person. He should skip the queue in the afterlife and head to the express lane straight to hell.
On the night that Nolan died, he met with a mysterious ~someone~ who eventually pushed him off the school rooftop. The poor bastard fell as hard as the second episode ratings did for The Perfectionists. It was a strange meeting place in the middle of the night, don't you think? Imagine if Nolan was like "the roof? nah, let's just meet at starbucks instead~", he'd probably still be alive right now.
At the crime scene, Ava put on a big theatrical performance over how devastated she feels about Nolan's death. Everyone else was like "oh wow, what happened? 😮" and here's Ava on her knees with her whole body quivering in between loud, uncontrollable sobs. Just a few hours ago, this ho was giggling about all the different ways to kill Nolan, but now she's acting like WHY DO THE GOOD ONES ALWAYS DIE SO YOUNG??? 😭 😭 😭
Ava: That's exactly how you imagined it!!!
Caitlin: I know how this looks, but...
Yeah, it looks sketchy af. This bitch was practically leaking spoilers on how Nolan dies, and I don't buy that it's just an eerie coincidence. Either Caitlin is a clairvoyant psychic or she's the most obvious killer ever.
Which one of your perfect boyfriends killed Nolan!?
A few days later, Caitlin is enjoying her newfound freedom after committing the perfect crime and then get away with it. Look at this brazen criminal mastermind, celebrating with her beau, not giving a damn that Nolan's blood is forever on her conscience~
I'm just kidding. I watched enough mystery shows to know the most obvious suspect is always the biggest red herring, and Caitlin can't be the killer for that reason alone. *dat logic is foolproof* I'm also enough of an armchair detective to know it was TOTALLY her boyfriend who killed Nolan. Right now, Jeremy is the perfectly normal love interest with the perfectly British accent, but he ain't fooling me with his perfectly phony disguise.
Just watch him be the best boyfriend ever all season long, and then...BAM! He'll hit us with a killer's confession in the cliffhanger ending during the season finale. I'M 👏 CALLING 👏 IT 👏 NOW.
Now that I'm convinced Jeremy is the killer (based on nothing but my gut intuition), I'm looking out for all the warning signs of this snake in the grass. 🐍
Jeremy: Nolan threatened to blow up your family if you didn't pretend to be his perfect girlfriend. And he knew how much your moms mean to you. I don't feel bad about the fact that you don't have to worry about him anymore.
What he said to Caitlin might sound perfectly reasonable and reassuring, but all I could hear him saying was I KILLED HIM AND I REGRET NOTHING. I can't help but misconstrue all of Jeremy's lines into something more sinister. Realistically, I know he won't confess his murder until the finale, but it's fun to spice up his boring dialogue with a more psychopathic spin instead lol.
Caitlin is still sneaking around with Jeremy and bearding for Nolan after his death. I guess it's bad PR that your boyfriend drops dead last night and then you debut a new man the next morning.
Caitlin: What if somebody sees us!?
Jeremy: Well, it's not going to be Nolan.
Caitlin: You're TERRIBLE. I love you for it.
I'd warn Caitlin about her boyfriend showing *evil mofo* tendencies, but I think this could be a potential turn-on for her. Don't forget Miss Murder Manifesto has quite the twisted mind herself. When Jeremy admits he killed Nolan, the plot twist is that Caitlin encourages his behaviour even further and becomes his official murder consultant. From now on, I plot the crime and you help me execute them! 😎
If Jeremy isn't the killer boyfriend, then the alternative option would be Andrew...or more like BLANDREW, am I right? Is he supposed to be this vanilla and boring? His character is like a plain old bagel, he's nice and decent and perfectly okay, but there's nothing exciting me about him. I guess Andrew could be the killer, but you'll have to wake me up when they make the reveal. 😴
And his relationship with Dylan is such a snooze. 😴 😴 😴 The two of them are always holed up inside that musky old room, having meaningless conversations about nothing, followed by a few seconds of lovey-dovey intimacy. Everything feels so boringly mundane with this couple. It's only the second episode, but I already see dust and cobwebs forming in their stale old romance. Please give Dylan another substitute plaything because Andrew ain't it.
Even Dylan is so bored by his own relationship that he keeps having these hot erotic dreams of Nolan. It was the ultimate insult with Andrew standing right in front of him, and Dylan would still rather fantasize about hooking up with a dead guy instead.
Andrew: Another nightmare?
Dylan: Yeah, it's getting to a point where I don't want to go to sleep.
Nightmare? From my angle, it looked like Dylan was squirming and churning his tight twink body so much that I thought he would erupt in orgasmic ecstasy. He may have even moaned and squealed in desire. This might be a nightmare for Andrew perhaps, but Dylan was enjoying those Nolan flashbacks more than he'd like to admit. 😘
While grabbing their morning coffees, Caitlin and Dylan bond over her super anal-retentive habits. You thought going to Starbucks was a casual activity, but leave it to Caitlin to develop an entire social science behind coffee etiquette.
Caitlin: Three sugars is still considered a couple, y'know like I'd take a couple of sugars. But when you ask for four, they give you a look like you're gonna steal their sugar and put it in your bag.
Dylan: Nothing. I just didn't know that you're kinda...quirky. 😏
Quirky is code for UR WEIRD. Sis, you need to chill. No one thinks you might steal the sugar packets, we're just judging you because you're on the fast track to getting diabetes.
In the news, it's being reported that Nolan's death has been ruled out as a suicide. The case is now being treated as a MURDER instead. *dun dun dun*
Imagine if Nolan did commit suicide though, thinking he's gonna get some relief in the final moments of his life, only to feel the most unbearable pain as he impales himself through the fence. Damn, that gotta suck. Suicidal Nolan should've looked down first and thought: "Wow, this is not the right building to jump off. Maybe somewhere with a nice flower bed instead of a gut-piercing fence would be the more ideal location for my demise."
Dylan and Caitlin are VERY concerned about Ava's whereabouts. Not because they care about her well-being or mental state of mind after Nolan's death, but more like they're worried about what Ava might blab to the police. If their blackmail scandals came to light, the two of them would be the main suspects in the murder investigation, so they gotta keep fronting and pretending to be Nolan's loyal lapdogs in the public eye. Dylan and Caitlin just need to check in with Ava and make sure dat bitch ain't gonna snitch.
What is Ava doing exactly? lol bitch is having a MELTDOWN. She was locked up in her room for the last few days, crying by the window, chugging down a beer, and even smelling Nolan's old clothes. THE SCENT OF HIS ARMPIT STENCH IS MAH ONLY SOLACE. 😭 😭 😭
I hate to be the heartless bitch who asks this question, but why is Ava so upset? *lol* Her whole emotional response to Nolan's death just seems so over-the-top. Technically, they weren't even dating anymore. More specifically, Nolan cheated on her, broke off their relationship, and his final words to her were along of the lines of NOBODY LIKES DESPERATE HOES. Your ex-boyfriend treated you like trash, Ava. He does NOT deserve your tears.
It does kinda suck that Ava lost her love interest in the very first episode. Bitch really thought she and Nolan would be an endgame romance, even expecting Marlene King to marry them off in a two-hour wedding extravaganza during the show's seventh season. Plus, it's so unfair that the other two perfectionists have boyfriends with longevity, while all Ava has is morbid fans shipping her with a dead guy in a coffin.
Uh-oh! Drama with the gays! It all kicks off when Andrew discovers that Dylan has been writing Nolan's essays for him. Your lies are exposed, bro! Of course, this being Andrew, their lovers' quarrel is carried out in the mildest way possible with zero drama whatsoever. You've been lying to me, so let's talk rationally about it! 😊
Andrew: Does Nolan have something on you!? Something you don't wanna tell me!?
Dylan: As an out gay kid in a small town...
Wait, didn't I hear this before? Every time Dylan gets confronted about doing something wrong, he pulls out the same *SMALL TOWN GAY KID* sob story as his excuse. I know he has a tough childhood, but how long is he gonna milk his trauma to get himself out of a bind? Dylan's default defense for every situation seems to be *I'm just a sad gay kid from a small town, so you better feel sorry for me~*.
Uh-oh! Drama with the straights! Most of the drama stems from Caitlin freaking out after convincing herself that she's the main suspect in Nolan's murder investigation. Apparently, Caitilin wrote an essay with ~subliminal messages~ that implied she wanted to kill Nolan, which is 100% proof that she must be the killer! Writing this essay was just as bad as leaving your fingerprints on the murder weapon, if not worse!
Caitlin: I DENIED IT! BUT SHE KNOWS!
Jeremy: ...but you didn't do anything wrong? Why are you so upset? lol
Did you not hear her, Jeremy!? She killed Nolan...in her essay! How will she defend herself against this irrefutable piece of evidence in court!? The judge will take one glance at her lit crit paper and instantly declare a guilty verdict. 25-YEAR JAIL SENTENCE FOR THE ESSAY EXECUTIONER!
Caitlin: My life has been a lie this past year. Sneaking around with you. Covering for Nolan. I thought it was over, but it's not. And we have to keep pretending like we're not together. And that's not right. I mean, you deserve a real girlfriend, who you can go out on real dates with and not just car dates.
The stress is getting to Caitlin and she seems to be going through some emotional crisis. Jeremy tries his best to give her reassurance, but is also anxiously eyeing the steering wheel as she drives. Um babe, are you sure you wanna have this nervous breakdown while you're driving the car? And are you sure you wanna be looking at me right now instead of looking at the road? Finally, Jeremy invents some random excuse to get her to stop the car because he wants to make it out of this episode alive. *lol*
The two of them stopped the car to canoodle under the stars, aww. Unfortunately, you thought this was a cute couple scene between Caitlin and Jeremy, but it's actually a cynical product placement plug in disguise. Watch Jeremy schmooze his girlfriend with his brand new Toyota Corolla car and dazzle her with amazing features like that state-of-the-art audio system and the convertible fold-down backseat. If you want to be in love just like them, buy a car today!!!
Caitlin: If you think you can calm me down by playing our song...then you're right. 😗 😘 😍
Yeah yeah, these romantic moments are nice and all, but hurry along and get your asses off the vehicle. We have to see the CAR LOGO or they ain't paying for this in-show advertisement!
An inside look into Mona's beautiful, brilliant, complex mind.
Alison receives a strange text message from Nolan a few days after he had already died. Yes, in case you're wondering, he's texting from the afterlife. Phone providers these days are so hardcore that you sign up for a two-year phone plan, and you still get extensive services all the way in hell. Unfortunately, the text messages get delayed for a few days, because the cell reception down there is kinda bad.
Nolan: Meet me on the roof of Thorne Hall. I need your help.
Why does Nolan even have Alison's phone number in the first place? In fact, it's not just Nolan, but Alison has given out her personal number to all the students in her class too. Call for me for anything, whether it's help with homework, literary analysis, relationship talk, legal counsel, one-night hookups, or even just a pizza delivery.
Alison angrily storms into Mona's apartment, convinced that she must be the one sending these prank messages. Her accusations are not unfounded, given that Mona was the original pioneer of creepy unwarranted text messages. All that message is missing was the signature sign-off from A, and it'd feel like we're watching Pretty Little Liars all over again.
Alison: That text was from you, right!? You're Nolan!? MONA!
I just think it's hilarious (and accurate) that every time something shady happens to Alison at this school, her immediate response is to blame Mona for everything. Nolan makes a dig at Alison - MONA, WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM!? Alison's searches get blocked - MONA, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO!? A dead guy texts Alison - MONA, IS THIS YOUR FAULT TOO!?
In her rush to cuss out a bitch, it took Alison a few seconds to realize that she just stepped into an alternate dimension and arrived inside the complex labyrinth known as Mona's mind. *twilight zone music plays*
WOWSERS. Mona's apartment was truly a sight to behold. There were endless formulas, equations, algorithms, diagrams, calculations, measurements, and all the digits of π plastered on every single wall. It was an overwhelming amount of data and knowledge everywhere. Is that a hypotenuse I see? And are those mathematical permutations? What the fuck is she even calculating? Who knows, but I'm pretty sure all the answers to the universe are solved here within this unearthly realm.
And then we see Mona, frantically scribbling mathematical quadratic equations on the mirror with a red sharpie. LMAOOOOO I'M DEAD. 😆😆😆 This bitch thinks she's John Nash, crunching imaginary numbers and writing out these nonsensical algorithms that nobody can understand. X IS EQUAL TO f(Y) DIVIDED BY THE PERCENTAGE OF Z SQUARED TIMES THREE!!!
Going into The Perfectionists, I thought they might try to dial back on Mona's craziness in order to make her a more palatable character. Instead, they went the opposite direction and doubled down on the cray. Mona has always been hardcore crazy, but this is some next-level sophisticated crazy that I can't even begin to process. Mona's brilliant madness cannot be deciphered by us simple-minded folks, we can only study and appreciate her beautiful mind like a glorious museum exhibit.
Alison: Have you been holed up in here since Nolan's dead?
Mona: I'm the reason he's dead.
Alison: Uh... 😟 Did you... 😖 Were you on the roof that night? Did you push him? 😱
Alison is just asking the question that we're ALL thinking, right? If The Perfectionists is anything like Pretty Little Liars, then the killer must be Mona who committed at least half the murders in her original show. How it works is that we'll spend the whole season pointing fingers at every other imaginable character, and then Mona will step forward during the finale going like "lol of course it was me, the culprit is always me. Why hasn't anyone figure that out by now? DUH."
Mona: JESUS ALISON! What kind of person do you think I am!?
Alison: Well...... 😬 😬 😬
Has Mona conveniently forgotten that she killed two people in the past, because I feel like that important detail is getting swept under the rug here? As for the kind of person Mona is, Alison's deadpan expression says it all really. Gurl, don't ask questions where you know you're gonna get dissed.
Mona: I'm the reason Nolan's dead because he never belonged here. It was his personality traits, my algorithm red flagged him. He was flagged as someone who could push another student to the point of snapping. By looking the other way and not telling Mrs. Hotchkiss about her son, I created a killer.
Alison: So, you're looking at your code to figure out who snapped.
WHAT CODE!? WHAT ALGORITHM!? WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT!? I thought Mona worked in HR, and her job duties consisted of handing out pamphlets in high school college fairs. Why do you need to know algebra, calculus, and quantum physics in order to become a university admissions officer? I thought they just enrolled the students with the highest GPAs, but there're actually a million variables according to Mona and her trigonometry theorems.
Alison: Listen, I appreciate that you feel responsible for Nolan's death, but can we focus on ME for a second?
Is this not the most classic Alison line ever? Enough about Nolan, let's focus on ME instead! As if we haven't already spent seven seasons of Pretty Little Liars centered around Alison, let's dedicate seven more seasons of The Perfectionists around her too. Who does Nolan think he is anyway, hogging all this screentime away from Alison with his attention-seeking death? Alison DiLaurentis is the ~STAR OF THE SHOW~ 🌟 and Nolan Nobody is just some measly background character who needs to know his place.
Alison is trying to have a conversation with Mona, but it seems that mad genius is totally lost in her own twilight zone. Alison's only way of communicating with her is to SLAP 👏 DAT 👏 BITCH 👏 back to reality.
Alison: Did you hear me!?
Mona: 😜 😂 😝
Alison: I need you to snap out of it!
Mona: 🙈 🙉 🙊
Holy lmaoooooo. I burst out laughing, y'all. I thought my tastes would have matured over the years and bitches slapping bitches wouldn't be so funny to me anymore, but it still gets me every single time. 😆
When Alison slapped Mona in the face, it gave me such old Ali vibes from Pretty Little Liars. The ferocious bitch that laid dormant within her really jumped out. Just look at her fierce expression after the slap, as if to say *I HOPE YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON MONA, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR IGNORING THE QUEEN BEE*.
Alison: I'm sorry I did that, but...
Alison suddenly remembers that she's a Good Person Now and apologizes for what she did, but it was the type of sorry-not-sorry non-apology because she totally thinks THE BITCH DESERVED IT. Strangely enough, the bitchslap DID bring Mona back to her senses again. Only in PLL is it possible to slap the crazy out of somebody, but this is considered a legitimate cure and Alison's healing hands may be even more powerful than modern medicine.
Alison is concerned about Nolan's text message. It isn't a good lewk when the dead guy texts you the exact coordinates of where he's gonna croak.
Alison: I don't know how long I have until you slip back into your beautiful mind, but I need you. I should tell the police, right? I should tell them that the text was delayed and I didn't see it until today.
A stupid prank message wouldn't have implicated Alison in his death, but then I remember her history of getting falsely arrested and convicted on much less incriminating evidence than this. The justice system has not been kind to Alison in the past. If she could go to jail based on zero evidence, then surely this text is enough to get her the electric chair. Yeah, sorry, but you're fucked.
Mona: No offense, but when did you become such a wuss? For a second, you reminded me of the Alison I used to know. The one who ruled her world because she played by her own rules. I get that you're trying to fake it until you make it, but that Pollyanna suit you're wearing is never gonna fit. It's always gonna cling to you like some seventies Halloween costume ready to combust as soon as you get near an open flame.
Just because Alison doesn't wanna go to jail, she gets called a wuss. Sorry that we all can't live our lives on the edge and be as baller as you, Mona. Does anyone feel like the demon imp is getting too mouthy and even dares to clap back at Alison with all that sass? Clearly she hasn't learned her lesson from the first bitchslap. Alison needs to SMACK DAT BITCH AGAIN and make sure she knows who's boss!
Walking the red carpet to Nolan's funeral.
Caitlin and Dylan need to make sure Ava sticks to the script that they're all such ~good friends~ and none of them has a ~motive~ to kill Nolan. We must keep up these sham friendships for the positive publicity!
Dylan: You haven't left your room in days. It wasn't hard to convince the RA to let us in.
Caitlin: Yeah, we just said your friends were concerned about you.
Ava: We are NOT friends.
Just because the three of them plotted murder together doesn't mean they're besties. There's an important distinction between murder accomplices and actual friends. Ava might be friendly enough to give them a retweet or like one of their Instagram pics, but not friendly enough to accept their Facebook friend requests and doesn't want these two phonies to show up in her timeline.
One of my favourite things about this episode was Caitlin pushing her narrative that they were all equally culpable for Nolan's death, as opposed to just her masterminding everything alone. WE all wanted to kill him, not just me! It was OUR collective plan, not just mine!
Caitlin: WE didn't kill Nolan! Did I wish for him to go away? Yes, but I didn't make that happen. WE all talked about it.
Last time I checked, Caitlin was the only one who plotted to kill Nolan in the exact same manner he died, but she insists that it was a joint group effort. Caitlin went from being 100% guilty to sharing 33.33% responsibility with these two schmucks. Evidently, this bitch ain't going down with the sinking ship alone, and plans on dragging down the others into her web of murder. KILLING NOLAN WAS THE RESULT OF *OUR* TEAMWORK, Y'ALL!!!
It's really quite sad that Ava thinks she LOVED Nolan when this sidepiece was nothing more than a tally by his bedpost. Ava is acting all high and mighty, but her fauxmance with Nolan was as disingenuous and meaningless as the one he had with Caitlin. You were just his casual fling and you both meant nothing to Nolan Hotchkiss.
Ava: You want me to hold your hand while you pretend to be his grieving widow!?
Caitlin: Yes Ava, please! We have to be Nolan's perfect posse at his funeral!
Ava: Do you hear yourself!? I LOVED HIM!!!
Ava seems to have conveniently forgotten that she got dumped at the eleventh hour and was no longer Nolan's actual girlfriend anymore. If anything, that random girl he last hooked up with deserves the title of ~*grieving widow*~ more than Ava does.
It's time for Nolan's funeral, and all eyes are on the perfectionists as they make dramatic entrances in their fashion ensembles. Dylan is wearing a snazzy suit, Caitlin is wearing an elegant dress, and Ava...well, she's wearing something alright. Out of all the outfits she could've worn, Nolan's grieving widow really thought her trashy funeral couture was the most appropriate choice. 🙈
Can someone remind Ava that she's supposed to be attending a somber funeral and not a photo-op at a red carpet event? These are the sort of clothes you wear when you're about to hit DA CLUBZ after strutting down the runway at New York Fashion Week. Even the pretty little liars in all their extravagant ball gowns & skin-tight funeral dresses showed more decorum than Ava here.
The best part was definitely this random girl who mouthed the words "OH, I LOVE HER SHOES!" excitedly as the perfectionists walked past the crowd. *lmao*
Nolan must be rolling over in his grave if he knew that he wasn't the focal point of his own funeral, because all the spotlight is on this fabulous fashion runway show. Instead of offering their condolences to each other, the funeral guests are exchanging designer labels and cosmetic makeovers with one another. Who are you wearing? Can I borrow your lipstick? Is that available in a size zero? Sorry Nolan, but these are the conversation topics people care about at your funeral.
Ever since Nolan's death, Alison is constantly checking in on the perfectionists. I thought her job was to just grade papers and talk about books, but she doesn't care about respecting teacher-student boundaries and insists on sticking her nose into their personal lives. She's even stalking them at the funeral and won't leave them alone.
Ava: She left me like a thousand messages.
Caitlin: Yeah, she called me...
Dylan: But I never called her back.
Despite being ignored by everyone, Professor DiLaurentis keeps pestering the three of them to come talk to her. Yoohoo! It's your favourite TA, Alison! I'm just gonna spam you day and night, you can't ignore my telemarketing calls!
At the funeral, we meet a brand new character named Mason, who was one of Nolan's childhood best friends, even though they kinda drifted apart recently. Mason's character was introduced because it's becoming TOO obvious to the viewers that Jeremy is the real killer, so they needed to add a few more random faux suspects into the mix.
Dylan: *whispers* Is it just me or does Mason look a little TOO sad?
LMAO. That was so unnecessarily bitchy. Dylan is THAT smug asshole who judges other people based on how much they're grieving at a funeral. I also loved how he said this within Ava's earshot because you know he thinks the same thing about her theatrics too. Every time Ava cries about Nolan's death, Dylan is secretly thinking to himself: "Is it just me or is Ava being a little TOO extra right now?"
Mason is not only Nolan's ex-bestie, but he is Caitlin's ex-boyfriend as well. We're looking at a weird love triangle where Caitlin used to date both of the guys who also used to be best friends. Now that Nolan is dead, Mason wanna scoop on his friend's leftovers and tap dat hot grieving widow ass. 😘
Mason: If you need an alibi for where you were that night, I will back you up!
Caitlin: Why...why would I need an alibi?
Because he thinks you're the killer lol. Even though Mason assumes Caitlin is some sexy single murderess, he doesn't know it's her evil boyfriend who has been secretly eliminating the competition. It gotta suck for Jeremy that he just finished offing one of Caitlin's ex-boyfriends, and now another one shows up all of a sudden. How many more exes do I have to kill before I'm the only one left!?
I am the omniscient whisper you hear in the wind...
This episode introduces another new character, Dana Booker, a former FBI agent turned campus security guard in a rather strange career downgrade. Dana is the head bitch in charge of BHU's security department, a job position that should have ZERO authority over any legit law enforcement matters, yet the show acts like she has sole jurisdiction over Nolan's murder investigation. Even the police have to sit this one out because Agent Booker is SO POWERFUL that she'll solve the entire case by herself. *lolwut*
Agent Booker is the doppelganger of Lt. Linda Tanner from Pretty Little Liars, a badass character they should've brought back from the original show instead of creating this bootleg copycat clone. Lt. Tanner would've already burned this campus to the ground and rounded up hundreds of innocent suspects at the police precinct by now. Dana needs to STEP. IT. UP. in the evil cop department because she has some big Tannersaurus shoes to fill.
Ava: I can't believe that bitch is in Beacon Heights. Dana Booker. She's one of the FBI agents on my dad's case. If Mrs. Hotchkiss empowered her to do whatever it takes to find Nolan's killer, she's gonna get off on bending all the rules. None of us are safe, she'll use whatever she can against us.
Ava keeps talking trash about Dana being a ~corrupt cop~, which is ironic given her dad embezzled money & Agent Booker was just doing her job bringing that crooked criminal to justice. She's not actually the bad guy here, your scumbag father is. I know we're supposed to hate Dana's character, but Ava is honestly such an evil bitch that I'm kinda rooting for Agent Booker to succeed in putting her and her whole criminal family behind bars. Dana is like Batman and Ava is Poison Ivy. Justice must prevail in the end and rid the town of these evil lawbreaking villains!
After the funeral, the perfectionists sit down for a nice cup of afternoon coffee, except Ava is adding a little tonic and gin into her magical concoction. ☕ It's funny how Caitlin was so worried about people judging her just because she adds four sugars to her coffee, whereas Ava was downing four vodkas in broad daylight and doesn't even seem to give a fuck. CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG. 🍺 🍺 🍺 🍺
The funniest thing is that Ava might be a boozy floozy, but she's too ~refined~ to drink straight from the flask. Instead, she pours the alcohol into a coffee cup and discreetly drinks her booze like a civilized human being. Damn, that's one sophisticated chick. Ava is the kind of classy alcoholic that we should all aspire to be.
Ava reveals that Nolan had a secret hiding spot, where he stashed away his weed and also his private collection of ~sex tapes~ used to blackmail Caitlin & Dylan. The perfectionists want to destroy this incriminating evidence ASAP, but unfortunately somebody beat them to the treasure trove and left this message instead: I found what you're looking for. Who knew you were so naughty?
Not only did this person steal the sex tapes, but the phantom culprit even took all the weed as well. Just know somebody out there is living their best life, getting high and watching amateur gay porn to their heart's content. Whoever you are that took the stuff, please share the joint and leak the nudes, don't hog all the good shit for yourself!
OMFG. The freakiest shit happened in the next scene. The perfectionists were just chatting among themselves, blah blah blah, but then they hear this GHASTLY WHISPER in the middle of their conversation. This moment was seriously so random and inexplicable. Who da fuq said that!?!?!?
Whisper: IT'S JUST LIKE YOU IMAGINED IT...... 👽 👽 👽
Caitlin: Did you guys hear that!?!?
Ava: Who said that!?!?
The show never bothered to explain where this creepy voice came from, so we must pretend it was just some omniscient whisper in the wind. For all we know, it could be the voice of God watching The Perfectionists from above and breaking the fourth wall to chime in with a few theories of her own.
The perfectionists were investigating god knows what in the middle of the night. They believe somebody overheard them plotting Nolan's death, so now they wanna find clues about who the eavesdropper might be. Um, wouldn't it be smarter to search the area during daytime when they can actually see stuff? Right now, they're like three blind mice shining a flashlight into the darkness and hoping to make a breakthrough discovery somehow. 🔦
At one point, Dylan got so desperate that he literally picked up a gum wrapper and said this clue must be relevant to the killer's identity. No, dude, it's just a damn piece of garbage... 😑
Ava got into a catfight with Dylan over some snarky comment she made, and then the bitch got so triggered that she put everyone on blast. YOU SUCK. 😠 AND YOU SUCK. 😠 AND IDGAF BECAUSE EVERYBODY SUCKS. 😠
Dylan: If we can just stick together...
Ava: There's no sticking together! You've got Andrew. And you've got your family. And I've got...me.
Even though Dylan quickly apologized, there was no pacifying Ava and her soapbox tantrum. This bitch is gonna keep whining about how much life sucks in her pity party of one. I do feel bad for Ava, but not when she's blatantly fishing for sympathy like this. I don't wanna watch Grieving Widow Ava anymore, I want Strong Independent Woman Ain't Need No Man In Her Life Ava instead.
Oh look, Ava is still crying. 😭 Okay, I know we all react to death in different ways, but enough is enough. I'm fed up with this bitch and her 24/7 nonstop crying marathon that has gone on for the whole episode. This tragedy porn is getting TOO MUCH. You've made your point that you can cry on cue, now give me something new please.
I have declared that grieving time is officially OVER. No more whining, no more moping around, and no more feeling sorry for yourself. Let's channel that angst into your budding alcoholism or some other entertaining personality defect. We don't want chicken soup for the soul, we want vodka, whiskey, rum and scotch for your soul instead.
Making an imaginary phone call to my imaginary friend Hanna.
Every once in a while, Alison would stop by Mona's apartment just to check up on her. The two of them have a strange relationship. They aren't enemies anymore, but they're not exactly friends either. The best way I'd describe them is like the relationship between a parole officer and a former inmate. During every home visit, Alison would scan the premises to make sure Mona isn't assembling a bomb, concealing weapons or doing anything that breaks the conditions of her parole agreement.
Alison: I know how easy it is for you to go down the rabbit hole and not come back, so I need you to stay connected to reality and to people.
Their scenes and dialogue always feel like Alison is a social worker checking in with a mentally ill patient to make sure she isn't a danger to herself or others. Mona might think they're friends, but I bet Alison has a taser and a pair of handcuffs in her purse just in case things go awry.
Mona: I have a life, Alison! I play chess every night with the most brilliant opponent I could ever ask for.
The camera pans down to an empty desolate table with a chess board, and it looked like the saddest visual ever. Poor Mona's social life has been reduced to these weekly parole meetings with Alison and playing imaginary chess with herself and an nonexistent opponent. The biggest giveaway is when Mona said ~the most brilliant opponent~ which sounded like she was totally humblebragging about herself. Stop fronting, Mona, we all know there's no real opponent who can match your brilliance and you're just playing chess with your own beautiful mind.
Alison: That's great! Who's the guy? ...or girl?
Mona: I don't know. It's an anonymous game I play through an online campus chess club.
So I thought we're just talking about an innocent chess game, but Alison's mind is in the gutter and assumes chess is like code for some hanky panky stuff. Who's the guy you're checkmating with? Or girl? *wink wink* OR ROBOT??? What are the chances of Mona's chess opponent being neither male nor female, but is actually an artificial intelligence formulated with a chess playing algorithm? It'll be the perfect love story when Mona finally meets her chess opponent and ends up falling in love with a piece of computer software. 💕
Ring, ring! We're supposed to believe Mona called Hanna and they had a nice chat over the phone, except it sounded so frigging fake? They couldn't get Ashley Benson to record an audio clip for the show, so all we could hear was Mona yapping incessantly in this weird, unnatural one-sided conversation. Literally if you pick up the phone receiver on the other end, all you would hear is complete silence. Hanna isn't there. Nobody's talking. It's just Mona's crazy ass making up a fake phone exchange in her head.
Mona: Hi!!! I'm so glad you picked up! No, I'm fine! I just needed to hear a friend's voice!!!
Mona's mental illness is SO severe that she's like this crazy person talking to herself on the phone. She's having a psychotic meltdown and hallucinating Hanna's voice, but we have to play along as if it's actually happening for real. *nods head* Sure Mona, you go ahead and talk with Hanna, we believe you. *knowing look*
In Mona's made-up fantasy world, Haleb had a baby, Spoby secretly eloped, and Ezria...well, we didn't hear any updates about Aria or Ezra so let's hope they fell off the face of the earth, never to be heard from again.
Mona: How are you? How's Caleb? How's the baby??? Wait, Hanna, back up! What do you mean Spencer and Toby eloped!? Even you didn't know!? WOW!!!
This phone call was purely fanservice. It's the writers throwing the PLL fans a bone and keeping up the illusion that all the liars are living happily in their perfect domestic bliss. I would've loved to hear more about their careers or their other achievements too, but PLL seems to think GETTING MARRIED!!! and HAVING BABIES!!! as the pinnacle of happiness, so nothing else matters in their lives.
It didn't really dawn on me until this phone call, but Mona's life is actually kind of depressing. 😢 She puts on a brave facade, but you look at her and her surroundings, and it's a pretty grim picture. In reality, Mona is a mentally ill recluse who lives all alone, has imaginary conversations with herself, and writes out meaningless formulas on the walls. She has no social circle or support system either. If it wasn't for Alison occasionally checking in to see if there's a dead body at the apartment, it would just be Mona all by herself with a bunch of numbers and codes.
Watching Mona in her current psychological state is kinda breaking my heart, because her life seems so lonely and unfulfilled. What I want from The Perfectionists more than anything else is for Mona to find her bliss. Let her meet with a guy or a girl or a robot who will keep her company and play chess with her every day until they grow old together. MONA DESERVES TO BE HAPPY TOO. 😭
We don't want Good Person Alison! We want THE BITCH!!!
Remember when we made fun of Caitlin because she thought her essay would implicate her of murder? Despite this being such a ridiculous notion, Dana *is* investigating the essays for real, as if a bunch of poorly written assignments would contain the critical clue to this murder mystery.
Dana: Your students recently wrote papers on Agatha Christie's novel, And Then There Were None. The story is about murder and whether it can be justified. Apropos of the times, wouldn't you say? Maybe even inspirational? I'd like to read those papers.
It's a damn school paper, not a comprehensive psychological profile into the killer's psyche. What does she expect to find anyway? Oh my god, the way Caitlin used an exclamation point in this sentence shows that she must be VERY capable of murder!!!
Nolan's murder investigation is so crackedtttt. It's weird that the campus security team has full reigns over this case and the police aren't involved at all. It's also weird that Dana doesn't work with any partners or subordinates. She's just one woman singlehandedly solving an official murder by herself, and she's gonna catch the killer...by reading a bunch of essays.
Alison: Do you have a search warrant?
Dana: I don't need one. Read the fine print in your faculty handbook.
Is Beacon Heights like the wild west where they don't have any laws implemented? What is this backwards society where a security guard can have so much jurisdiction over an active murder investigation? Dana literally started her job this week and somehow she has the ULTIMATE AUTHORITEH to do whatever she wants because of a faculty handbook??? *lolwtf*
As the head of security, Dana is doing a shitty job at securing the premises, considering Claire Hotchkiss was able to break into Alison's private property in the middle of the night. Poor Alison comes home, only to find this intruder sitting freakishly in the dark this whole time!
Claire: I know it's inappropriate for me to be here, but this was my daughter's house before she took her own life. Taylor loved this house. I suppose that's what brought me here tonight, to feel closer to her.
I don't mean to be insensitive, but maybe you can feel closer to your dead daughter outside the front door instead of breaking into somebody's home? Bitch thinks this is like an open house and she can drop by any time she wants. I guess when you're as rich as Claire, you think you can waltz into any civilian home like it's your own personal Airbnb.
In Claire's defense, you can forgive any erratic behaviour from the deeply grieving mother who lost both of her kids. Given her tragic circumstances, this woman could've gone way off the deep end, but she maintained her composure relatively well. A little misty-eyed, and maybe a tiny quiver in her voice, but she's still acting very poised and dignified in her mannerisms. Claire is grieving like she's inconvenienced by her son's brutal murder, but doesn't feel sad enough to actually shed a tear.
Now compare her reaction to Ava, who went completely ballistic with multiple public meltdowns after Nolan's death. I AM EMOTIONALLY DESTROYED FOR ETERNITY!!! 😭 😭 😭 I know we all grieve in different ways, but it's just kinda weird that the mom is so *chill* and the mistress is so *out of control* when the roles should really be reversed.
Alison: Is there anything I can do for you?
Claire: Don't waste your time here pretending to be something you're not. If you really did come here to help our students, you need to be yourself. You're a survivor, Alison, at all costs. And that's what you need to teach them.
Here Alison was, offering her sincerest condolences, and Claire's response was like YOU NEED TO BE A BIGGER BITCH ALISON! *lmao* It was a strange piece of advice in the weirdest pep talk ever, where Claire instructed Alison to drop her faux do-gooder act and unleash her inner mean girl instead. Usually when people tell you to ~be yourself~, they want you to be more of a genuine, sincere, authentic human being. But in Alison's case, it's like STOP PRETENDING TO BE A GOOD PERSON!!! WE WANT THE BITCH BACK!!!
Near the end of the episode, Dana abused her power again and bullied the perfectionists into giving a murder confession. She kept hounding them for their whereabouts on the night of Nolan's death, but they can't give a coordinated response. That was until Alison stepped into the boxing ring with her fighting gloves on. Don't worry, perfectionists! Your lying messiah will save you!
Alison: They were at my house! We talked Agatha Christie the whole night! Our alibis are solid!
Dana: They were with you on the night of the murder???
It was a classic Alison move to lie through her teeth and invent a totally fake alibi. It was also a shoddy lie with so many holes in her story about how they spent the night together, making the perfectionists look guiltier than before. Just because the old Alison is back doesn't mean she improved on her awful lying skills from the past. Like yeah, she's still pretty shit at it. *lol*
*Dana storms off muttering angry threats under her breath*
Alison: Bring it on, bitch!
YAAAAAS. THE BITCH IS BACK. 😎 I'm gonna consider this moment as a massive Alison victory, even though she made up a horrible alibi, got herself needlessly involved in a murder case, and made the situation way worse for everybody. The most important part is how the old manipulative Alison returned to form, making me realize how much I've missed this evil scheming bitch. The hateful vitriol in her voice, the stank look on her face, and the bitchy cattiness exuding from her aura...oh yeah baby, SATAN HAS AWAKENED AND SHE IS GLORIOUS. 😁