None of us like to talk about the giant elephant in the room, but we need to address the INCEST PROBLEM on this show. Ever since we found out Clary and Jace are biological siblings, the other characters never make references to their sordid romantic past, other than the occasional prolonged silence when we’re all thinking about the *same thing* but nobody dares to say *anything*. Let’s just call it an awkward phase in life and never speak of this again!

Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that the rules on incest aren’t clear enough, so we need to establish some boundaries. Jace, you cannot, cannot, CANNOT have romantic feelings for your biological sister. Once the two of you came out of the same vagina, it’s an automatic red light signal for life. That means no physical intimacy. No kissing. No touching. No longing gazes. No sexual urges. No dirty thoughts. And absolutely NO BONERS.

This episode begins with Clary paying her brother a conjugal visit in prison. Of course, the bitch tries to start a little somethin’ somethin’ with him, as she gently caresses his fingertips on the jailbars. Sadly, Jace isn’t in the mood considering he’s stuck inside a small grimy prison cell where he has to defecate in the same place he eats, so yeah that could be a bit of a buzz killer.

Clary: What can I do to help? Please tell me, I’ll do anything!
Jace: You can stay away from me. There is no together for you and me, Clary. There never can be.

Wow, Clary throws out all inhibitions and is literally offering SEXUAL FAVOURS on the table. I’ll do anything, even butt stuff! Yet, Jace still turns her down anyway. If he wanted to do butt stuff with a sibling, he’d go to Alec first kthx.

I’m kidding about the sex stuff, but the actual scene itself is so boring that I have to make up my own dirty jokes just to entertain myself. I’d fast forward through the BORING ANGUISH BLAH BLAH BLAH if I could.

Jace: I am Valentine’s weapon. He knows that you’re my weakness.

I enjoyed the refreshing lack of Clary x Jace scenes this season…until now. Oh, we were doing so well with our Clace cleanse. Easily the worst part of the show is their overwrought romantic drama that nobody cares about. You know your relationship is bad when even INCEST can’t make a storyline interesting, nuff said.

Jace has it so bad for Clary that he even experienced an erotic wet dream about her, except this dream takes a *dark* turn and he suddenly stabs her in the stomach during his love confession! Wow, do erotic wet nightmares exist because I think Jace just had one!?

Jace: Why can’t you understand!? You being near me and reminding me every second of every day what I want, but I can’t have!

I know this is just a dream, but there gotta be some deep Freudian dream analysis that explains these words are his real thoughts. Why does Jace speak as if he was describing a piece of chocolate cake? I want that last slice of cake, but I can’t have it! JACE, YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR SISTER, YOU CAN’T WANT HER *OR* HAVE HER.

At least Jace has a new prison buddy to keep him company, because Hodge is here too! I guess this must be the special prison unit where they detain all the traitors who have defected to Valentine’s side. I’m honestly surprised that Hodge is still alive. For me, his character died from the moment he betrayed his shadowhunter family and handed da mortal cup over to Valentine. BITCH U WERE DEAD TO ME THEN AND YOU STILL ARE NOW.

Hodge finally grew a conscience during his lifetime imprisonment and realized he should’ve never given the cup to Valentine. Thanks to you, the blood of countless downworlders and innocent mundanes are now on your hands! Erm, or just one of your hands, considering Jace sliced off the other in last season’s finale. *lolpwnt*

Shadowhunters is getting TOO DARK and I’m not just talking about the storylines. These folks seriously need to fix the lighting in their post-production process because I cannot see a goddamn thing. My eyes were straining during the prison scenes. It’s extremely unpleasant not being able to make out the actors or their surroundings when all I see is a black screen. Just because the show has *shadow* as part of its name does not mean every damn scene needs to be covered in a shroud of darkness.

Would it kill them to install a few ceiling lights? Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb for a reason. Please let there be light so that the viewers can see!

I thought Jace was on trial for aiding Valentine and killing a werewolf, but you’d never be able to tell since Aldertree seemed way more interested in asking him about the incest instead.

Aldertree: You have a great love for your sister, don’t you?
Jace: Leave Clary out of this!
Aldertree: You two were involved in a romantic relationship. Is that true?
Jace: I wanna exercise my fifth amendment rights.

The best part about these probing questions is how they have ZERO RELEVANCE to the case, but Aldertree only asked them because he’s such an evil and sadistic troll. I’m gonna get you to confess to being a sisterfucker while under oath, bwahaha! *lol*

Aldertree: What about now? Do you love her the way a brother loves his sister?
Jace: I’ve tried to fight it…
Aldertree: A simple yes or no. Do you love Clary the way a brother loves his sister?
Jace: No… It’s more than that.

LMAO. Aldertree is savage as fuck. I may not like his methods, but I gotta respect his style. The way he hounded Jace into a snivelling tearful confession was an epic masterpiece, and this could possibly be his character’s crowning moment of awesome. BTW, if I have to hear the phrase “the way a brother loves his sister” one more time, my soul might DIE completely on the inside.

During the real interrogation, Aldertree phrased his trick questions in such a way that Jace would incriminate himself no matter what. Do you agree with killing downworlders or do you allow them to live and kill innocent mundanes? According to Aldertree’s twisted logic, answering ‘neither’ means you’re equally supportive of both murder charges.

Aldertree: Final question. Can you pledge your unconditional loyalty to the Clave?

The other questions were just pointless filler, because the whole trial was decided by that one final question in which you cannot have 0.0001% doubt even under extraordinary circumstances or else you’ve committed high treason! Before Jace could ask “But what if…”, Aldertree jumped on him going like “omfg i said unconditional so u just gave ur admission of guilt”. THE DEFENDANT IS FOUND GUILTY OF ALL CHARGES. *slams judge’s gavel*

FINAL VERDICT: I hereby sentence you to lifetime imprisonment, you filthy treacherous traitor!

After such a gross display of corruption and injustice, Jace tries to take his own life with the lie detector sword, but is stopped by Aldertree and the prison guards who won’t give him the merciful reprieve of death. Why let him die when it’s much more sadistic to keep the guy imprisoned for the next fifty years and watch him get tortured by erotic wet nightmares about fucking-then-killing his own sister every single day?

Shockingly, Alec doesn’t visit Jace in prison. You’d think he might care more after making such a big fuss about losing his parabatai, but it seems Alec has already lost interest in him and is diverting all his attention back onto Magnus again. Now that I know my husband is safely locked up in jail forever, let’s have a little fun with my sidepiece instead!

Magnus: How is Jace?
Alec: He won’t be gone long. Once his hand touches the Soul Sword, the truth will come out and prove that he has never been on Valentine’s side.

Alec is under the naïve assumption that we live in a just world where the truth will come out and Jace would be a free man. In reality, Aldertree can put an innocent man behind bars for life simply because he answered one question incorrectly. *lolwtf*

Magnus: Aldertree informed me that I will indeed be punished.
Alec: All for trying to save my life. Jace may have been the one who pulled me out, but I did feel you there. And it did make a difference, so thank you.
Magnus: Thank you for not dying on me.

Thank goodness Alec calmed down after the last few episodes and went back to being a sweet, attentive boyfriend again. While I enjoyed watching an increasingly unhinged Alec stomping around and sassing everyone, I still prefer this sweetie pie who’s awkwardly navigating through his first romance. Whenever he acts coy and shyly mumbles his lines to Magnus, that’s when I find his character the most appealing.

Alec: Look, um…I know with everything that’s been going on, w-we haven’t had a chance to…
Magnus: Go on that first date we never had?
Alec: Right! Yes!
Magnus: I know a place in SoHo…or we can portal to Marrakesh. You hungry?
Alec: Starving!

You guys should look at me now, I have both hands clasped around my cheeks trying not to giggle at all the cuteness. I dunno what I enjoyed more, Alec trying to ask his bf on a first date or Magnus’ wittle face beaming with delight when he realizes what is happening. Watching two adult men play out a middle school romance shouldn’t be this adorable, but it strangely is.

Aldertree is on a one-man mission to frame and convict as many innocent characters as possible. His latest victim is Raphael, brought in for questioning after another vampire den was busted for feeding on innocent mundanes. Raphael insists there was a misunderstanding, but all Aldertree heard was *wut u misunderstood the law and didn’t understand u shouldn’t kill!?* Sorry Raphael, your murder confession has been recorded and anything you say will be admissible in court!

Aldertree: Fourteen mundanes drained. Three of them children.
Raphael: Camille at work. She always had a thing for kids. It has nothing to do with my clan.

OMFG. #disturbed I get why Aldertree wants to stop the massacres, but it doesn’t give him the right to accuse Raphael simply cuz he’s the closest vampire in proximity. Why blame Gilnda the Good Witch for the evildoings just because the Wicked Witch of the West has gone into hiding?

During the interrogation, Raphael sits down in a chair, casually putting both hands on the armrests. Suddenly, Aldertree uses a remote control to activate the secret trap! The armrests turn into shackles around Raphael’s hands, confining him to this booby-trapped chair! And to think Raphael could’ve easily avoided this if he chose to stand or placed his hands on his knees.

Aldertree: Something new from the Clave R&D department to convince our vampire friends to cooperate.

I love that Aldertree invented a hidden device which only works through a series of improbable coincidences, requiring his victim to sit down in a specific body position. The chair has less than a 5% chance of working properly, yet it still managed to trick Raphael. *lol*

The next phase of Aldertree’s plan involves shining a beam of light onto his victim. These are concentrated UV rays, which would be harmless on anybody except for vampires trapped in a torture device with nowhere to escape. Shit got real once the UV rays circled around Raphael’s body parts, most notably hovering near his crown jewels. We thought Simon was joking back when he feared his junk would get burned off, but who knew this was an actual possibility happening right before our eyes?

The beam missed hitting Rapahel’s jock, just barely. This might be the one time to feel thankful that you don’t have a well-endowed manhood, or else you’d be missing *just the tip*.

Raphael: You can’t get away with this! Torturing downworlders is a breach of the Accords!
Aldertree: We’re aware of our restrictions on torture. We call this motivation.

Oh my god, I’m dying @ what an evil POS Aldertree is. Dude, you literally invented a torture device just to torture the poor guy. No matter how much you try to spin it, what you’re doing is the very definition of torture. Calling it ‘motivation’ is like calling Guantanamo Bay a self-discovery retreat with life coaches and meditation classes.

Aldertree’s character started out as a douchebag, but he finally made his official descent into Lawful Evil with the latest stunt. This is a very exciting development because I can now complete the last missing piece for my Shadowhunters character alignment chart. I put a lot of serious thought into who’s good, who’s bad, who’s lawful and who’s chaotic.

Lawful Good: Luke
Neutral Good: Clary
Chaotic Good: Jace
Lawful Neutral: Raphael
True Neutral: Dot
Chaotic Neutral: Jocelyn
Lawful Evil: Aldertree
Neutral Evil: Valentine
Chaotic Evil: Camille

What do you guys think? Other than the fact that I’m a huge nerd that is lol.

Aldertree gave Raphael so much motivation that he was left in critical condition with his face covered in blisters and scars. My poor baby barely arrived at Magnus’ apartment before collapsing into his arms. Magnus must’ve been so shocked to see him this badly injured that he butchered his friend’s name and mispronounced it as *RA-VI-ELLE* instead. Ravielle? Who dat?

Raphael: I had nowhere else to go…
Magnus: Oh Ra-vi-elle! My poor boy, everything is gonna be alright. I’m going to take care of you.

Don’t worry, Ravielle! Magnus will patch you right up! Our first order of business is to give you a facial. I guarantee your botched face will be as smooth as a baby’s bottom after you put on a couple of Sephora face masks!

Magnus: Aldertree knows how I took you in. How you were like a son to me. That’s why he did this.
Raphael: He’s looking for Camille…
Magnus: And punishing me at the same time.

I love that Magnus is such a fierce mama bear who takes all these lost and confused vampire misfits under his wing. He reminds me of Miss Peregrine running a home for peculiar children. Beautiful souls like Magnus have always been so inspirational to me and I think he deserves an award for his humanitarian efforts. And btw, his relationship with Raphael is too sweet. I love the two of them are so close that Magnus refers to him as a ‘son’. Imagine if Raphael returns the favour and starts addressing Magnus as ‘papa’, that would be goals lol.

You may know Magnus as a famous warlock of many talents, but did you know he also works as a cosmetic surgeon? He was able to perform highly advanced reconstructive surgery and fix up Raphael’s face in no time. You gotta laugh at all those suckers who train for years to become practicing doctors while Magnus can do the most elaborate medical procedures with merely his middle finger. Just think, he can put half the cast from Grey’s Anatomy out of work simply by showing up at the hospital and taking over their jobs.

Aldertree issued an Executive Order giving Raphael 12 hours to find Camille or else his entire vampire clan will be executed over a terrorist attack that none of them committed. I’d be more outraged at the injustice, but I’m already spent after rallying against another fascist leader who persecuted a minority group of law-abiding citizens based on dangerous ignorance and extreme prejudices. Rest assured this will not end well for you, Aldertrump.

Raphael: So, you’ll help me deliver Camille to the Clave?
Magnus: *sighs* Rarfield…

Rarfield? Who dat? I’m loving Magnus’ utter inability to pronounce Raphael’s name correctly for some reason. What seems to be the problem? It’s a three-syllable name, not a tongue twister.

When Simon showed up at Magnus’ loft, Saphael’s sexual tension escalated into real tension and a fistfight broke out between our two vampires! Simon picked today of all days to stand up for himself against his bully. No, I won’t give you my lunch money anymore! Your reign of terror ends today, Draco Malfoy! #simonclapsback

Raphael: Aldertree did this to me because of you!
Simon: Yeah, you look like crap! Bring it on, scarface! *shoves*

Simon behaved very out-of-character in this scene, provoking Raphael and even starting a fight with him. I know Simon got pushed around many times in the past, but it was still a bitch move when he shoved Raphael’s chest after his opponent went through a gruelling day of torture. It was kinda like pushing over a sick kid on crutches. Not cool, dude!

Raphael yells at Simon for doing nothing to find Camille. Be honest, how many hours of Overwatch have you been playing in your room versus how many hours did you put in looking for Camille? Simon argues that he did soooo much, including the one time he portalled to India and brought back a random box! Any other examples, Simon? Umm… erm… lolno. Simon is like that student who reads the table of contents and then claims he finished the school assignment.

Luckily, that random box just happens to contain Camille’s grave dirt, which can be used to summon her from anywhere. Wait, you mean Simon could’ve found her two episodes ago and saved Raphael from being unnecessarily tortured, yet he didn’t disclose this discovery until now? Any explanations, Simon? Umm… erm… lolno. Simon is like that student who finishes the school project and then forgets to hand in his work to the teacher.

In order to summon Camille, it requires a drop of Simon’s blood dripped onto Camille’s grave dirt. This leads to a funny moment when Raphael suddenly grabs the cocktail stick from Magnus’ martini cup, flicks away the olive, and uses it to slice Simon’s hand open. Magnus looked so startled that it took him a couple of seconds before he could react and express displeasure on his face. Exsqueeze me, I was still drinking that martini! You owe me an olive, Raphael Santiago!

Magnus faces a tough ethical dilemma. He gotta protect his foster son Raphael from being killed, yet he doesn’t wanna turn against Camille because they go way back. The two of them posed for campy couple portraits together! They crashed Queen Victoria’s coronation and glamoured as the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge! Magnus and Camille have a friendship similar to Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. The pair of them might not be together together, but they’ll still stand proud and clap loudly for each other after winning an Academy Award.

Simon: If you’re feeling guilty about handing her over to the Clave, I can show you phone shots of the den she created. It’s messed up. Plus, she killed me too. So, there’s that.

I can understand why Simon wouldn’t be Camille’s biggest fan. Here’s proof that she’s an evil bitch: *points to self*

Magnus: I admit she has gotten more reckless over the last 200 years. I can’t defend anything she’s done, but she isn’t pure evil. Not too many people know this, but when I was living in London in the early 1870s, I was in a bad place. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see my way out. Then, on one particularly stormy night, I got as far as the Blackfriars Bridge. And if it wasn’t for Camille, I wouldn’t be here right now. She was the only one who cared enough to stop me. She saved me.

OMG. I wished I was alive back in the early 1870s just to give Magnus a big hug. My poor baby and his past suicidal tendencies! If only they had Twitter two centuries ago so that the Shadowhunters fans can tweet #ItGetsBetter at him. There’re so many people who love you, Magnus! DON’T JUMP!!!

Magnus claims that Camille is a formidable opponent and they need extra protection before summoning her. He orders Saphael to head down to the supermarket and fetch him a bag of garlic or two. And maybe some radishes too, I hear they’re on sale.

As soon as they’re gone, Magnus implements his *real* plan by having a one-on-one chat with Camille. He simply snaps his fingers, summoning her on the spot, and locks her up in a cage when she got caught off-guard. His actions are so effortless that it’s almost hilarious how he takes no precautions with her. Three seconds later and one of the deadliest vampires known to mankind had already been captured by him. Fear the power of Magnus Bane, bitchez!

Camille: Don’t tell me you’re doing the Clave’s bidding because of your silly infatuation with that boy toy shadowhunter.
Magnus: You crossed the line. I won’t let Ralphyal suffer for your bad deeds. You’ve sired hundreds of vampires. Your children. But as a warlock, I can have none. The downworlders I take under my wing, they’re my children. My family. I’m sorry, Camille. I’ll do whatever it takes to protect him.

Yas kween! Magnus is the fiercest mama bear out of all the mama bears in the animal kingdom! His parental love for Raphael is incredible! However, I gotta laugh at Camille’s insinuation about Magnus and his boy toys. Between Simon and Raphael, why do the children that Magnus take under his wing always seem to be the hot twinks? *lol*

Camille tries to manipulate Magnus and prey on his emotions. It takes a special kind of scum to emotionally blackmail somebody over their past suicide attempt, but leave it to Camille to play that guilt card without any hesitation. I was your suicide hotline, so you owe me and I’m cashing in my favour right now!

Camille: The fear of loneliness has always been your Achilles’ heel. You don’t do well losing those you love, do you? I’m the only one you can count on to be here for you forever. You know that. That’s why you love me. And you always will. Choose me.

Camille thinks the two of them are eternal soulmates like Brangelina circa 2006. In reality, they’re like Brangelina circa 2016 with the words “IT’S OVER” plastered on the covers of In Touch Weekly.

Despite her emotional manipulations, Magnus still kicks Camille’s ass to the curb anyway and zaps her away to Idris. BYE BITCH. On one hand, it feels pretty cold that Magnus iced his ex-girlfriend considering how much she helped him… On the other hand, CAMILLE KILLED KIDS FOR FUN so fuck dat bitch y’know? [/end discussion]

Yeah, the revelation that Camille fed on children was just too dark and too predatory for my faint heart. After learning what she did, I wished Aldertree got his hands on her, because for once I would’ve agreed with his sadistic methods. Hey Camille, why don’t you sit down on this chair and place your hands right here… because I’m gonna burn you like I burn carbs on an elliptical!

Since Alec and Izzy are the only shadowhunters who do any work at the institute, they’re so woefully understaffed that even Clary got asked to join them for a mission. Yes, the same Clary who has no combat experience, no tactical knowledge & no technical expertise. Imagine how desperate you gotta be that you willingly bring *dead weight* into a mission.

Clary: Wait… You want me on your team!?

Oh my god, this gotta be one of the saddest lines I’ve ever heard Clary say. She’s like the sad lonely kid who never gets picked to play on a dodgeball team, only to be overjoyed when someone finally takes pity on her this one time. You actually want me on your team! Somebody really, really wants me on their team! *tears up*

Alec: Hey, Fray! We got a demon to hunt, come on!

HEY FRAY!!! Here’s a line that Alec thought sounded better in his head, but then he said it out loud, and it sounded even MORE ICONIC than he could’ve ever imagined. “Hey, Fray!” is like the Shadowhunters equivalent of calling out “Hey, bro!” or “Hey, gurl!”. It’s smooth, it’s effortless, it rolls off your tongue. I implore all the fans to greet each other in this manner from now on. Hey Fray, watch the newest episode yet!?

Here are a couple of things Clary learned during her mission:

1.) Heat temperature! Alec drew a rune on Clary’s hand, giving her the power to identify demons based on their thermal temperature. How it works is that if you see a cluster of colours near the Burger King and no colours surrounding the KFC, you go to the latter place because the line is shorter there.

2.) Classic possession hangover! Valentine’s latest scheme is to use demonic spirits to infiltrate somebody, take over their minds, and make them forget what they did afterwards. During the twenty seconds when you thought you had a brain fart, Valentine actually controlled you to go on a mass killing spree! Oops @ you unknowingly slaughtering hundreds of innocent lives!

SOS!!! The institute is under attack! Up until now Valentine had been controlling strangers and using them to attack randoms on the street, but now he kicks it up a notch and starts to kill randoms inside the institute! Oh no, this shadowhunter nobody killed another shadowhunter nobody! On this tragic day, please let us bow our heads and commiserate… erm, would someone mind putting a name tag on that nobody’s corpse so we’ll know who actually died?

Clary: *looks at corpse* Classic possession hangover.

I love how Clary spoke with so much wisdom and authority even though she just learned about that new terminology five minutes ago. *lol* Does she even know what it means? Or is she just showing off about that fancy fun fact she learned in her shadowhunter classes today?

The demonic spirit entered through the dead body that Alec and Clary brought back from their mission. This demon has such advanced cloaking abilities that it escaped detection from all security measures. Think of it this way, the demon is like a computer virus and the institute is like an old PC that forgot to update its Malwarebytes Anti-Malware software to the latest version. “Ugh,” you think to yourself, “I don’t wanna restart the computer, so let’s hold off on the update…” Well, guess what? Since you didn’t update your anti-virus software from 8.0.0.1 to 8.0.0.2, the virus has infiltrated your security firewall and is gonna wipe out everything inside!

SIMPLE TRANSLATION: Security breached. Demon inside. YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

The shadowhunters pretend to be busy after the recent attacks, as if their investigations & forensic analysis have relevance to the plot. For some reason, Raj thinks he’s part of the gang now, hanging around Izzy and Lydia even though neither of them know who the hell this minor character is.

Raj: Wow, that guy’s heart is obliterated! And I thought I was having a rough weekend.
Lydia: Show some respect for the dead! Y’know, you might want to cut back on the smartass after getting manhandled by a warlock.

Raj is awful for sure, but don’t you think the others are so mean to him even when he’s on his best behaviour? His character feels like Jerry from Parks and Recreation. He solely exists as a punching bag in the office, where everybody shouts hilarious verbal abuse towards him for no reason at all.

Raj: I’ll stay with you, Lydia!
Lydia: *rolls eyes* Day just keeps getting better.

Lydia doesn’t try to hide her contempt around Raj, making it clear that she thinks he’s a piece of dog shit stuck on the bottom of her shoe. Why does she hate him so much? I mean, Lydia is perfectly civil with Alec, who left her at the altar lol, but Raj is somehow her sworn nemesis and she has a lifelong grudge against a character who only existed five seconds ago.

Lydia: If you’re trying to make up for your incompetence, don’t bother.

I don’t need an explanation to why Lydia is so bitchy towards him. All I know is that I friggin’ enjoy watching her emasculate whiny punk ass bitches like Raj and put him in his place.

BTW, my favourite part about Lydia’s character is how she constantly reminds everybody *I’M IN CHARGE NOW* from the moment Aldertree left the institute. Every time there’s an opportunity to exert her authority, she immediately pipes up to make an official announcement about her leadership. We hear Lydia yell out commands like “I’m running point until Victor comes back!” or “I’ve ordered the institute to be put on lockdown!” or “I’m the new HBIC, do as I say!”

Lydia must be pretty butthurt over her recent demotion, which explains why she’s so desperately vying for power in any meaningless way she can get it. Aldertree might be the new boss, but Lydia is like the jealous understudy waiting anxiously backstage to take over his position at any moment. As soon as he’s gone, she nearly trips over herself running towards his throne. YAAAS I HAVE RECLAIMED MY KINGDOM AT LAST!!!

In the next scene, Lydia followed Raj around just to berate him some more, but she was caught off-guard when he turned into an evil demon! *zomg classic possession hangover* The two of them square off in a fight, though Demonic Raj’s deadliest weapon is not his fists… but his scathingly bitchy remarks!

Raj: Wow, no wonder Alec ditched you for a warlock!

OH SNAP. For the record, I’m on Team Lydia all the way, but I’m secretly giggling into my hand because Raj’s low blow was savage as fuck. Poor Lydia will never get to live this one down, forever known as the humiliated bride whose wedding was upstaged by a gay pride demonstration.

Demonic Raj quickly gains the upper hand during their catfight. Lydia is soon cornered and defenceless, but that doesn’t stop her hilarious trash-talking even as she gets her ass kicked. It’s almost like Lydia can’t help herself, I gotta keep sassing Raj even if these are my final words spoken on my last dying breath!

Lydia: You want a piece of this!? Come and get it!!!

Lydia, gurrrrl! You know you should only taunt your opponent when you’re actually winning the fight, right? As a wise woman once said, you might wanna cut back on the smartass after getting manhandled by a demon.

OMFG LYDIA! U IN DANJA GURL! I screamed so much when Demonic Raj clawed his fingers into Lydia’s flesh, almost as if he was gonna reach in and rip her heart out. There were gaping puncture wounds on her chest, holy motherfucking shit! I may have screamed even louder than Lydia did and she’s the one in actual excruciating pain!

I screamed again when Raj twisted Lydia’s arm so hard that you could hear her bones snapping. Almost like he’s cracking a turkey wishbone at Thanksgiving dinner… EXCEPT IT’S HER ARM.

Alec came to the rescue just in time. He shot an arrow into Raj’s body, forcing the demonic spirit to flee from its human vessel. Lydia survived fortunately… if you consider it fortunate that half of her bones are crushed, her arm is likely paralyzed beyond repair, and she’ll spend the rest of her life feeling traumatized over this attack.

Even though Alec might’ve been Lydia’s knight in shining armour, this doesn’t compensate for how much he has wronged her in the past. When you ditch your fiancée for a warlock on your goddamn wedding day, you automatically incur a lifetime of emotional debts towards her. As far as I’m concerned, Alec is gonna have to save Lydia’s life at least a dozen more times before he makes up for the whole wedding fiasco.

Hey Fray! Your momma is being deported! The shadowhunter higher-ups deem Jocelyn as too much of a hot mess, so they want her gone from the institute. She has been sent away to “Idris”, also known as the special mythical place in the sky that all the characters go when they’re being written off the show. Whenever somebody says they’re leaving for Idris, it’s basically code for “I won’t be on the show for a while, see you next season!”

Clary puts up a protest, shaking her fists and stomping her feet, how dare they take my mommy away from me! When Jocelyn suggests the two of them could move to Idris together, Clary changes her initial stance after remembering that she kinda can’t stand being around her mother 24/7. Erm, mom, let’s just keep in touch through Facebook and postcards. See ya!

Luke: When Valentine took you, I promised myself it was the last time I’d ever be without you.
Jocelyn: But you hate Idris. And what about your life here? Your work? The pack?
Luke: It’ll be hard to leave behind. But I’m a stubborn man, and I know what I want.

Your daughter might not love ya, but at least Luke does! Just to be clear, this guy was perfectly willing to quit his job, leave his home, and uproot his entire life in order to stay by her side. His dedication is kinda incredible because Luke didn’t even hesitate for a moment. When Jocelyn announces that she’s leaving for Idris out of the blue, his only concern is *ok lemme book two plane tickets so we can sit next to each other on the flight*. Jocelyn must’ve done a lot of good in her previous life to deserve a man like Luke, because his love for her is flawless.

Clary: My mom wants me to go with her. We went through so much to get her back but idk…
Izzy: At least you have a mom who wants to be with you, who thinks you’re smart and wonderful. I’m not saying she hasn’t done some pretty screwed up things, but all moms do. So maybe you should be glad you have one who wants to try and make things right.

Clary was simply asking her friend for advice, but Izzy turned it into a *worst mother competition* and randomly dragged her own mom through the mud. While it’s true that Mama Fray might be marginally better than Mama Lightwood, let’s remember Clary’s father is an evil megalomaniac with a mission to destroy the universe, so I still think she wins the worst parent contest overall.

Clary: You think I should go?
Izzy: Of course not. No one in Idris is gonna teach you how to fight in five-inch heels.

Is Izzy teaching classes on how to fight in five-inch heels? Because I wanna sign up! But first, she oughta hold a beginner’s class on how to walk in five-inch heels, followed by an intermediate class on how to walk up the stairs in five-inch heels, and then an advanced class on how to avoid getting sore feet in five-inch heels. In fact, she can design an entire college curriculum surrounding the complex study of wearing high heels.

In the end, Clary decides not to accompany her mom. One of her reasons is that she wanna be independent and enjoy some bizarro college experience living in the shadowhunter dormitories by herself. The other reason is that Clary knows she can’t sustain a long-distance romance with Jace if she moves away to Idris. Sorry, I gotta stay because brothers before mothers!

Clary: Mom, there’s a part of me that wants to come with you, but I have to learn to stand on my own. And there are people here that I can’t leave.

O RLY? Are the people here more important than your own mother? How sad that you raised your daughter for 18 years, changing her poopy diapers numerous times, yet this ungrateful little twerp won’t stand by your side after you’ve been exiled by your community. Jace might have demon blood inside him, but Clary is the real cold-blooded monster in her family.

AND THEN JOCELYN IS DEAD. I know this is an abrupt announcement, but her death really came out of frigging nowhere. We were given no warnings, no foreshadowing, no farewells. All of a sudden, there was Jocelyn lying on the ground with a humungous hole in her chest. Her heart was missing, her insides were spilling out, and her blood soaked the floors everywhere. Wait, about her missing heart…where did it go!? Did the demon rip it out and gobble it down!?!?

WTF!!! Seriously, what the fuck!? I can’t believe this bitch is dead! It took some guts to kill off Jocelyn, who was a pretty important supporting player with major connections to many of the characters. I keep thinking that they’ll find a way to bring her back to life, but I dunno… Nothing says *permanent death* more than a hole the size of a crater inside your chest.

OMG. Guess who offed the bitch? Alec Lightwood, this is the police! Hold your blood-stained arms where we can see them! We catch our murderer literally red-handed at the scene of the crime, because Alec’s hand was drenched in Jocelyn’s blood. Look closely and you can see his bloody footprint too. Imagine the horrifying amount of blood there gotta be in order to leave behind visible footprints on the floor, yikes!

Alec is still in shock from his classic possession hangover, trying his best to accept this new reality where he killed Jocelyn with his bare hands. I know he had some animosity and tension with Clary in the past, but surely there were other ways to resolve their differences without murdering her mother!?

Poor Clary stumbled onto the crime scene with the worst timing in her life. Well, I guess it could’ve been worse if she arrived a few moments earlier and watched Alec literally rip her mom’s heart out. *lolsad* Understandably, Clary was traumatized and her reaction to finding her mother’s dead body can be summarized through a series of OMG OMFG WTF OMG OMFG WTF OMG OMFG WTF!!!

I guess Clary must feel pretty shitty knowing that her last interaction with Mama Fray was essentially *GTFO MOM*. Now, the only way the two of them can visit Idris together is if Clary goes there with her mom in a coffin.

Afterwards, there was a hilariously awkward scene where Alec and Clary watch the surveillance footage of him killing her mother. His brutal murder was captured on camera and displayed on a gigantic screen for all to see. You’d think this might be a sensitive subject that requires solitude and privacy, so I don’t understand why the two of them watched it together as if it’s an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Like, you’re watching a snuff video, there’s no need for popcorn and a viewing party.

Alec: Oh my god… Clary, I…
Clary: *raises hand* I HAVE A DEMON TO KILL.

I love how Clary was like *TALK 2 DA HAND* when Alec tried to apologize for murdering her mother. Considering what just happened, Clary has earned the right to sass him as much as she wants during this time period. Besides, I’m not sure how Alec plans on apologizing to the poor girl. Is there a Hallmark card for the special occasion after you accidentally killed somebody’s mother? For starters, Alec might need to purchase all the sympathy & condolence cards in every single Hallmark store across the nation just to make it up to Clary.

The shadowhunters are so caught up in the demon drama that nobody remembered about Jace’s life imprisonment. The only person who tried to save him is Valentine, who launched a surprise ambush and killed all the prison guards in order to free his son. Ironically, these high-security prison cells can only be unlocked if the prison guard is still alive, leading to that awkward moment when Jace realized he’s trapped forever as the last guard drops dead in front of him. Guess we can cancel any parole hearings because he ain’t getting outta there lol.

Hodge: Grab his hand! The lock release on our cells can only be activated if he’s alive!

These are the weirdest and most unnecessary lock mechanisms, right? Hey shadowhunters, have you ever heard of a good old-fashioned key and lock?

Luckily, Valentine has a back-up key: Aldertree, who was only kept alive to open the door to Jace’s prison cell. Even though Valentine busted his balls orchestrating the prison break, Jace remains defiant and uncooperative. No, I don’t wanna be rescued! I would rather rot in this prison cell for the rest of my life dying in a puddle of my own piss than to join your evil army!

Valentine: You think it was easy breaking in here to rescue you!? It took effort. I set up a demon attack on the institute as a diversion.
Aldertree: YOU DID WHAT!?!?

I love how Aldertree was so shocked to hear that Valentine wiped out half his crew during his absence. If there’s any consolation, at least he can deflect all the blame onto Lydia as usual. I put you in charge for five minutes and you got everyone killed! This is totally your fault, Lydia!

Jace might be willing to rot away in jail as an act of defiance, but Hodge was like *are you fucking kidding me, get me outta here!* All of a sudden, he grabs Valentine through the jail bars and traps him in a chokehold! I’m not sure what the rest of his plan is, or whether he has one at all, but it quickly backfires after Valentine stabs a knife into his skull. What a horribly undignified death for Hodge, falling ass backwards with a blade poking out of his forehead, yet I couldn’t think of a more fitting end for his character. Bye bye Hodge, you won’t be missed!

At least Hodge didn’t die in vain… no wait, he totally did lol. But at least his death provided a momentary diversion, allowing Jace to break free from his prison cell. Valentine’s henchmen immediately attack him in swarms, but Jace manages to hold his ground despite being outnumbered. He even stores up enough combat points to execute a special combo move! In an awesome two-in-one kill, Jace takes the sword and stabs both opponents at once, one right through the other. As if he was making a shish kebab, except with human body parts!

Yay, Dot is here too! She’s still alive! Thank goodness! Unfortunately, it’s frustrating to see her working for Valentine again and protecting him in battle. I know she doesn’t have a lot of options being held captive against her will, but I just wish someone would rescue her already and cure this chick from her Stockholm Syndrome.

Valentine: *after Dot deflected Jace’s attacks* Thank you, Dorothea. At least someone here understands the meaning of the word loyalty.

What he meant to say was: “Thank you, Dorothea. Now you’re permitted to eat one meal per day instead of one meal every other day.” Only the loyal minions get to eat under Valentine’s tyranny!

Jace is so baller that he refuses to surrender even with a sword held against his neck. He stands up against Valentine, calling his bluff and encouraging him to murder his only son. “Go ahead and kill me, I dare ya!” is not exactly a very common response when you can feel the cold metal blade on your flesh.

Jace: Good, kill me like you killed my falcon. Prove what kind of father you really are. What are you waiting for? Do it!

Considering Jace also tried to stab himself a sword earlier, does anyone feel worried about his suicidal tendencies? It’s a cause for alarm the first time you try to kill yourself, which turns into an official crisis if you make a second attempt. Don’t do it, dude! Life is beautiful! Here’s the number to a suicide prevention hotline and let’s get you some help!

After failing to change his son’s mind yet again, Valentine got bored and decided to bounce. Jace contemplated chasing after him to retrieve a sword that Valentine stole, but he stayed behind to fight off the remaining baddies and save Aldertree’s life. After what happened, even Aldertree can’t misconstrue where Jace’s loyalties lie, although how funny would it be if he still got sent to jail anyway? Hey buddy, nobody said you could leave! Thanks for saving my life, now back into prison you go!

ZOMG! It’s another classic possession hangover! This time, the demon took possession over Izzy, so Alec and Clary have to be extra careful about not hurting her during their fight. When I say “Alec and Clary”, I only meant Alec was fighting Izzy because Clary literally got owned within the first three seconds. *lol*

It was kinda hilarious watching Demon Izzy grab Clary’s body and toss her aside like a raggedy doll. The poor girl got thrown all the way to the other side of the room and was instantly knocked unconscious. Welp, that was a big fail. Clary, I know you aren’t the strongest shadowhunter, but can you at least try a little harder and last longer than five seconds in a fight?

Even Alec is no match for Demon Izzy, who quickly knocks down her brother on his ass. She then crouched over his body like a vulture eyeing its prey, with a wicked smile flashing across her face. OMG, can you imagine how EPIC it would be if Izzy was the one who killed Alec!? I mean, I like his character and all, but I rooted for her to cannibalize him just to witness the insane meltdowns that would occur among the Shadowhunters fandom. *lol*

Izzy: Always the favourite child… I’m done living in your shadow!

Do it, Izzy! Kill him and you’ll become your parents’ favourite child, simply because you’re their only child left! Oh wait, I think there’s a third Lightwood sibling that never appears on screen, but I guess Izzy will just have to slay her other brother after she’s finished destroying this one!

And then, there was the funniest moment when we see Clary literally flying across the sky to jump on Demon Izzy’s back. I laughed when I saw it happening just because she looked so ridiculous in motion. Bitch thinks she’s some circus performer doing an aerobatic stunt. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s Clary flying through the air with her arms outstretched!

It’s weird that Clary felt the need to do a HIGH JUMP when she could’ve simply walked towards Izzy and sneaked up behind her without being noticed. I think the only reason she jumped is because it looks more dramatic. *lol*

I know I make fun of Clary a lot in my Shadowhunters recaps, but I must give her credit for saving the day. The element of surprise worked in Clary’s favour, as well as her determination to avenge her mother’s death, which led to her ambushing Demon Izzy and stabbing her in the spinal cord! OUCH. When the demon escaped Izzy’s body, Clary delivered a fatal blow by slashing the demonic spirit in half, effectively destroying it once and for all! K.O. VICTORY, BITCHEZ!!!

Wow, Clary won a fight? Sorry, I shouldn’t use the question mark, but I’m just kinda shocked that she kicked ass for once. That never happens on this show lol. Let’s give a round of applause to Clary. Our condolences about your mother’s death, but hey congratulations about winning your first fight! Whether Mama Fray is looking down from heaven or looking up from hell, she’s proud of you baby girl!

Clary can’t celebrate over her recent victory considering she’s still really fucked up over her dead mommy. As all the adrenaline leave her body, she’s left in a state of catatonic shock. Jace arrived just in time to comfort her with his brotherly platonic hugs …until Simon suddenly appeared behind him and shoved his opponent aside so that he could reach Clary first! Holy lol, before Jace could take another step, Simon almost body checked the guy just to push him out of the way!

Who knew there was such an intense competition to comfort Clary during her time of need? Simon tackled Jace so hard and ran forward so quickly that you’d think he was gonna score the winning play in a football match. TOUCHDOWN! I JUST SCORED TOUCHDOWN WITH CLARY! I WON THE SUPER BOWL!!!

Fucking Simon, yo. Look at this opportunistic mofo diving into an intimate hug with Clary under the pretense of consoling her. He must be scoring a lot of relationship points right now, especially since she’s so vulnerable that the lines become blurred between friendzone and romancezone. Yeah, get in there and nuzzle her neck, you smooth playa!

Simon might look like a harmless little dweeb on the outside, but don’t underestimate how ruthless and competitive he can get when it comes to winning Clary’s affections. He will shove Jace aside, walk straight past Izzy’s unconscious body without a glance, and even push over a frail old lady crossing the street if it can bring him closer to Clary. SIMON LEWIS IS IN IT TO WIN IT AND YOU BETTER NOT GET IN HIS WAY!!!

This episode ends with Simon and Clary embracing as Jace watches the two of them forlornly in the background. Wow, is it just me or can you taste the bitter jealousy in the air? Dude, I know you wanna hug Clary too, but you can’t touch her until you get rid of your erection!

This scene is not only sad because of what happened to Clary’s mother, but also sad in the context that Jace still lusts after his sister like a pathetic pervert. Somebody should give him the official guidebook on incest because he clearly needs to be reminded about the rules again. Rule one, repeat after me Jace… NO MASTURBATING OVER YOUR SISTER.