Season 2 Episode 3, Shadowhunters Recap, Parabatai Lost

Season 2 Episode 3, Shadowhunters Recap
Season 2 Episode 3, Shadowhunters Recap
Season 2 Episode 3, Shadowhunters Recap
This Shadowhunters episode introduces Maia, the new werewolf on the block! She seems like a cool chick, but she’ll turn into a beastly bloodthirsty badass killer if you cross her! Also, this episode has lots of gay kisses, gay weddings & gay parabatai bonding.

  • This is the episode where we get childhood flashbacks of Jace and Alec.
😁

Loved it!

 Alec Lightwood: soulless but not shirtless anymore.
OMFG. STOP THIS RECAP. WE HAVE A WARDROBE EMERGENCY. Which one of you did this!? Who gave Alec a shirt to wear!? This Shadowhunters episode is off to a terrible start when I saw that someone had dressed our half-naked stud. Um, he wasn’t wearing anything last week? Why is he clothed now? Talk about doing something completely unnecessary that nobody asked for.

Just think, we could’ve enjoyed an entire episode of shirtless Alec lying in bed with various close-up shots of his hairy chest. Alas, some bitch decided to be extra and covered him up: “oh golly gee, it’s getting chilly in here with the air conditioning, better put on a shirt!” as a million Shadowhunters fans scream with anguish. WHY! NOOO!! STOP!!! If only I was on set that day, I would’ve tackled the wardrobe manager to the ground and wrestled the bitch until I got hold of that goddamn shirt!

Alec x Jace: literally soulmates

Alec is a sleeping beauty currently in an irreversible coma after last episode.
Hey Alec, rise and shine! It’s time to wake up now, sleepyhead!

Unfortunately, our sleeping beauty has fallen into an irreversible coma after the events of last episode. One moment, he was using a magical rock to travel through the fourth-dimensional world to find Jace’s whereabouts. Next moment, he experienced some sort of seismic orgasm over his parabatai, but with great orgasms come great consequences. Now, there’s a real possibility Alec climaxed to death and he may never regain consciousness ever again!

A parabatai bond is like a getting a matching couple's tattoo that you'll regret later in life.
Magnus: It appears that when Alec called out to Jace, part of his soul never returned. Now he’s stuck, lost somewhere between himself and his parabatai.

Wow, that sounds insane in the membrane. I don’t understand why anyone would sign up to become parabatais knowing the risks involved. The paratabai bond is the equivalent of some young loved-up couple getting a pair of matching tattoos of each other’s names on their ass cheeks, only to regret it when they look at their saggy bottoms in the mirror years later. The tattoo seemed like such a good idea at the time, but now you realize it’s the worst decision of your life.

Parabatai bonds are supposed to be angelic! There's nothing gay or homoerotic about two parabatais bondings!
To be honest, I still have a difficult time wrapping my puny brain around the concept of a parabatai bond, but apparently it’s supposed to be very SRSBSN.

Magnus: Parabatai bonds are like a tether that binds two souls. Jace and Alec share emotions, instincts, strength. It’s an angelic bond.

And here I thought “parabatai” was just a fancy terminology for describing the raw sexual chemistry between two best friends who have repressed lustful thoughts about each other. No, Recap Everything, you’re mistaken! It’s an angelic bond, not a homoerotic one! Ain’t nothing gay about holding your bro’s hand while expressing how much you love him, how much you think about him, and how much you can’t live without him.

Shadowhunters sometimes reminds me of a bad fanfiction that came to life.
Izzy: If Jace brought back that missing piece of his soul…
Magnus: We may very well have the cure.

ZOMG ALEC AND JACE ARE LITERAL SOULMATES! You gotta laugh at the ridiculous melodrama where only Jace can rescue his lover’s life with a piece of his missing soul. I’m getting such a strong fanfic vibe from this storyline. The plot reminds me of something that I might read on Archive of Our Own, written by a fifteen-year-old fledgling teen author who just discovered slash fanfiction for the first time. In fact, the whole Shadowhunters series feels like a piece of bad fanfiction that came to life, which is probably why I enjoy the show so much. *lol*

Magnus accuses Jocelyn for being a manipulative bitch who killed Alec.
Mama Fray visits Alec’s deathbed to offer her sincerest condolences, but Magnus served her major tude along the lines of *OH BITCH PLZ, UR NOT WELCOME* accompanied by many death glares and sassy finger snaps.

Magnus: I think you’ve done enough. You were only trying to do what you always do, manipulate people into helping fix problems that you created. And now Alec is paying the price for it.

Magnus used a harsh tone, but I actually think he might be too soft on her considering how much Jocelyn is culpable for this whole mess. Keep in mind Alec wouldn’t be in critical condition right now if she hadn’t introduced that rock of death to him. Think of it this way, Alec = Snow White and Jocelyn = the evil witch who gave him the poisonous apple.

Some random jogger saw Jace with Gretel's body and automatically accused him of murder.
And here’s our prince charming, washed up on some beach shoreline after his prison break last episode. To his surprise, Jace finds there’s a dead corpse next to him! But don’t worry, it’s just dat bitchy werewolf Gretel, a character so insignificant that I typed out her entire eulogy and all her life accomplishments with this one sentence.

What happened next was almost comical because it occurred over the span of five seconds: a random jogger appeared, saw Jace kneeling over a dead body, freaked out & immediately called the cops because she witnessed a crime in progress! Hello 911? There’s a killer in front of me! You’d think Jace might want to clear up the misunderstanding and deny the murder accusations, but nope! He was like *g2g* without offering any explanations whatsoever. Running away from the crime scene in a frenzied panic is the surest way to prove my innocence!

Jace might be a wanted criminal, but at least he got this cool police sketch of himself.
Poor Jace is now the prime suspect for a homicide that he didn’t commit. This is such an astonishing turn of events, considering Jace stumbled upon the dead body just moments ago and now he became a police fugitive in the blink of an eye. All because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

If there’s any consolation, at least Jace got an awesome police sketch of himself outta his ordeal. One of the coolest perks to being a wanted criminal is definitely the fanart!

Clary lies to Aldertree during their interrogation together.
Clary made it back home safely, even though she was separated from Jace during their escape. Aldertree tried to interrogate her for intel, but Clary learned her lesson the first time after that mofo twisted her testimony into a pretzel during their last interrogation together. The only thing you can trust Aldertree with is the 100% guarantee that he will screw you over.

Aldertree: If you’re trying to protect your brother, lying to me is only gonna make it worse. I can guarantee Jace’s safety if you help me bring him in.
Clary: I would if I could…but I can’t help you what I don’t know. Dot must’ve wiped my memory.

Clary’s new strategy is to simply lie her ass off about everything. “What happened, girl?” I dunno! I don’t remember! I think I might have amnesia!

Ckary claimed she couldn't find Jace anywhere in the ocean. Did she look hard enough?
Izzy: You two jumped off the ship together?
Clary: Yeah. But as soon as we hit the water, the tide was so strong, we lost each other. I looked everywhere, I couldn’t find him.

What I don’t understand is how Gretel’s body and Jace were found within inches of each other, yet Clary made it sound like she ended up on the opposite side of the Atlantic Ocean. I know there were a lot of tidal waves, but surely you were all travelling in a similar direction within proximity to each other? A more plausible theory is that Clary probably landed close to Jace, but only spent thirty seconds looking for him before giving up and going like *um yeah i’m gonna head home to take a hot shower first*.

Why isn't Clary out there looking for her friend Dot?
Forget about looking for Jace…WHAT ABOUT DOT!? Now that you know your friend is alive and being tortured by Valentine, why are you still sitting on your ass and doing nothing to save her!? Dot is SUFFERING because of YOU! Go out there and HELP her!

After Dot made such heroic sacrifices in the last eppy, you’d expect Clary to feel indebted to her saviour. Like, I thought she was gonna rally all the shadowhunters together and lead a search party to rescue Dot. Instead, it was disturbing how Clary showed a complete lack of concern for her so-called “big sister”. No rescue missions, no emotional sentiments, no future plans to ensure Dot’s safety. As far as Clary was concerned, Dot could spend the rest of eternity rotting away in Valentine’s prison cell. Saving her friend’s life isn’t even on the list of priorities.

Dot could really use a friend right now, Clary! Do you even remember her!?
Clary: Izzy, Simon needs me…
Izzy: Be there for your friend.

You know who else really needs your friendship right now? DOT IS CURRENTLY CHAINED AGAINST THE WALL CRYING OUT YOUR NAME. I could almost understand Clary being such a shitty friend if she had more urgent priorities at hand. Saving Alec or finding Jace might arguably take precedence over rescuing Dot. However, Clary spent most of this episode loitering in the streets with Simon to find his alcoholic mother, who was in no danger at all. Are you kidding me? This bitch won’t search for her actual friend, yet she’ll go around looking for Simon’s mommy? Yo Clary, I know you don’t value Dot’s life, but this is just INSULTING.

Come out of the coffin, Simon!

Simon's mom is a former alcoholic who relapsed because she knows her son doesn't love her!
Poor Simon is feeling homesick. For the past while, he tried ignoring his mother to avoid the awkward I-am-a-vampire conversations. However, she has been calling him all the time, leaving behind these increasingly desperate voicemails, and just outright begging her son to make contact. One of her voicemail messages got so desperate that it almost sounded like *E.T. phone home! E.T. phone home!*

Simon's mom is a former alcoholic who relapsed because she knows her son doesn't love her!
When Simon finally returns home, he finds a vacant house in disarray along with a half-empty vodka bottle in his mother’s bedroom. This discovery freaks out Simon because his mom is a former alchie with a serious capital-letter Drinking Problem, so she must be in deep doodoo to break years of sobriety. Now we understand why she left him so many voicemail messages, Simon’s mom must’ve been drunk dialing her own son.
Clary encourages Simon to come out of the coffin and tell his mom that he's a vampire.
Simon’s dilemma is that he doesn’t know how to act around his mom. Avoid her too much and she’ll turn to the bottle, but get too close to her and she might find out he’s a vampire. That’s when Clary suggests he should just tell his mom about his secret identity. What’s the worst that could happen? She’ll start drinking again? *lol too late*

Clary: Maybe it’s worth telling her the truth.
Simon: Come out of the coffin!? Do you have any idea how she’d react?

Am I the only one who thinks the solution is so obvious? Simon should bite his mom and turn her into a vampire too. You don’t have to worry about coming out when she’s in the coffin right next to you!

Clary gives a romcom monologue about how much she loves Simon.
And then, Clary launched into this huge romcom monologue. It was one of those grandstanding speeches that the heroine would deliver to her love interest at the end of the movie. You have this personality flaw and that personality quirk, but I still love you anyway!

Clary: Simon! Don’t forget this is the woman that put up with your endless band practices, your incurable hypochondria, who made you those gross mustard sandwiches when you refused to eat anything else. If she can accept you for all that, I’m pretty sure she can accept you for who you are.

Okay, does Simon care to explain that phase in his life where he refused to eat anything but mustard sandwiches? What a truly bizarre lifestyle choice. Was it a self-imposed diet, or did he just run out of ingredients in his house to make other sandwiches?

Clary kisses Simon on the cheek for good luck!
By the way, Clary actually kissed Simon in this episode. You go gurl, get some action! I didn’t mind the kiss between them, but it felt a little odd given the circumstances. Here Simon is worrying about his alcoholic mother who may have relapsed, and there Clary is sticking out her wet slobbery tongue against his face. I’m not sure if kissing is on his mind right now. I dunno, this just felt like a *let’s hug* moment more than a *let’s kiss* moment.
How long do we have to wait before we get a Climon kiss on the lips?
Anyway, the important part is that Clary and Simon kissed! Granted, it was just a tiny peck on the cheek, but that still counts as half a kiss. If you may recall, she also kissed him on the cheek last season, so the mathematical equation is half a kiss + half a kiss = one full kiss.

It’s kinda like baseball when the pitcher misses four times, as Simon slowly finds himself creeping onto first base through patience and perseverance. Now, the real question is how much longer does he have to wait before Clary finally kisses him on the lips? At the rate they’re going, we might see some hardcore hanky panky between them possibly in Season 25.

Raphael tells Simon that his mom's alcoholism doesn't matter because he won't even remember about her in one hundred years or so.
While Simon frets over his mommy, Raphael shows up to offer his brand of supportive encouragement. Hey Simon, lemme cheer you up with a couple of yo momma jokes!

Raphael: Your mom will grow old while you stay the same, and eventually she’ll be gone. Sooner or later, even your memories of her will fade whether you want them to or not.
Simon: That won’t happen! Not to me!

Isn’t it reassuring to know that your mom’s alcoholism won’t matter when she dies and you outlive her and you won’t remember she existed after a century or two? Even if you’re feeling nostalgic three hundred years from now, your only memory of her will be *dat bitch with the drinking problem*.

Simon needs to help Raphael find Camille so that his junk won't get burned off.
Raphael still can’t find Camille anywhere. His last hope is Simon, the only vampire left with a connection to Camille that hasn’t already joined her side. However, Simon doesn’t wanna help the guy who torments & threatens him all the time, so his efforts have been very half-assed. Sure, I’ll go look for Camille… *looks over shoulder* Nope, don’t see her. Guess she’s not around!

Simon: If you spent the amount of time looking for Camille that you spend telling me to look for her, you’d probably have found her by now.
Raphael: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!

Raphael is acting more erratic than usual, but I can justify his behaviour with two words: BURNED JUNK. Raphael is obviously terrified that his nuts will get scorched if he loses his trial. Simon, you of all people should understand the gravity of his situation!

I want Simon and Raphael to get physically intimate with each other. Saphael forever, baby!
Excuse me while I’m off having a fangirl wank, but why does it always feel like Raphael wants to ravish Simon at any given moment? It all adds up: his smouldering gaze, his intense expression, his sultry voice, his intimate body language. Even when he’s harassing Simon, it comes across as sexual harassment more than anything.

For the record, I don’t believe Simon reciprocates these feelings, but Raphael couldn’t make it any more obvious that he lusts after the little dweeb. I know my assessment of him is accurate. I can read a thirsty motherfucker when I see one because I *am* one.

I thought I was above an abusive dom/sub relationship, but my heart can't resist that I think Raphael and Simon look hot together.
From an objective point of view, Raphael is actually quite hostile towards Simon and I shouldn’t endorse his predatory behaviour. But from a fangirl point of view, I dunno why my knees get weak whenever Raphael manhandles Simon, grabs his shoulders, and pushes him into the fence. Sorry, I thought I was better than stanning for an abusive dom/sub relationship, but you can’t put two cute vampires tussling at each other in front of me and expect my heart to resist.

It doesn’t help Saphael are often alone in some sort of dimly lit back alleyway, which only makes my imagination go wild with the possibilities. Every time they interact, I’m on the edge of my seat anticipating them to get physically intimate. Kiss, touch, grind, screw…I’m not picky, I don’t care what they do to each other in whatever motion or whichever direction that their desires take them.

Raphael already met with Simon's mother and made up a cover-up story where he is Simon's band manager.
Despite Raphael threatening his livelihood, Simon paid no attention to him and continued looking for his mom anyway. When Simon eventually reunited with his Mama Lewis, he had the perfect excuse to explain his prolonged absence:

Simon: I’m sorry, mom. My phone died. Among other things.

Mama Lewis made a new friend while her son was away. Turns out Raphael was one step ahead of Simon and already cozied up to his future mother-in-law. He even created a wild cover-up story where Simon is currently “on tour” with his band and Raphael roleplays as his “band manager”. Side note: the scenario where Simon and Raphael go touring together is the AU fanfic that needs to be written.

Raphael behaved like the perfect gentleman in front of Simon and his mother.
What’s more incredible than Raphael the Band Manager was the fact that Mama Lewis used the words *kind* and *sweet* to describe her new acquaintance. Shockingly, he turned on the charm and behaved like the perfect gentleman in front of her. In fact, he made such a good impression that she even invites him over for dinner. Wow, I never had Raphael pegged as the type of boyfriend that you can bring home to meet your parents, but who knew he could be such a mother pleaser?

I’ve been saying Raphael is a secret softie deep down and this kinda confirms my suspicions about his character. I just hope that one day we’ll actually get to see this sweet & charming side he’s supposed to have lol.

Simon's mom invites Raphael over to her house for dinner.
Elaine: You are welcome at my house anytime.
Raphael: To your home? Well, that’s a lovely invitation.

All of a sudden, the background music INTENSIFIES because we’re supposed to worry that Simon’s mom invited a deadly vampire into her home. It’s implied that Raphael has the capacity to hurt her if Simon doesn’t obey his commands. But I dunno, I don’t really buy that he has sinister intentions. Is it naïve of me to think that Raphael genuinely wants to sit down with Elaine around the dining table and enjoy a nice homemade meal?

Sorry, I don't think Raphael is evil. I still think he's one of the good guys.
Personally, I thought Raphael met with Elaine to ease her concerns, so Simon can concentrate on finding Camille & not worry about his mom. However, Simon only focused on the parts where Raphael made implicit (and explicit) death threats. Geez, it’s not like he’s an evil asswipe who threatened to break into your house and hurt your mother… oh wait, ya he did lmao.

Simon: What the hell! You’re threatening my family!
Raphael: You’re threatening mine. The longer Camille is free, the more people she kills. My people.

Raphael wanted to scare Simon a little, but he wouldn’t hurt anyone. Even if he looks like the prince of darkness, I believe his character is one of the good guys! As long as you overlook all the death threats and the aggression and the bullying and the tormenting and… Okay, let’s stop here before I forget why I said he was good.

Simon decides to move back home with his mommy.
Elaine: Your band manager seems nice!
Simon: Trust me, he’s not. He sucks.

Y SO SALTY SIMON? It is my hope that one day he’ll make amends with Raphael, start seeing him in a romantic manner, and reciprocate the sucking on his knees. For the time being, Simon decides to move back home with his mom fearing her life might be in danger. To be honest, that’s what he should’ve done from the start, instead of living like a homeless hobo inside an industrial container. Sleeping in a comfy bed vs. sleeping in a crusty canoe, you’d think the choice should be obvious.

Meet Maia, your new worst enemy

Jace is a wanted criminal outlaw who's being hunted by the Clave, Valentine, the police and the werewolves.
Jace is still on the run after being accidentally branded as a murderer. For now, he managed to evade capture and found a safe place to hide. Jace phoned home, inquiring about Clary’s safety, only to be startled that Alec is the one in life-threatening danger instead. SOS! YOUR HUSBAND IS DYING! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE ASAP!

The biggest challenge is finding a way for Alec and Jace to reunite. They’re supposed to meet at Magnus’ loft, but even arriving there safely is gonna be a pain in the ass. It doesn’t help that Jace is the target of multiple manhunts: the Clave wants him, Valentine’s army wants him, the police want him & the werewolves want him too. Never have I seen a more wanted criminal outlaw than Luffy from One Piece. When did Jace become so (un)popular and why does everyone want a slice of him!?

Meet Maia, a new Shadowhunters character and the new werewolf around the block!
Jace found some random old bar and stumbled inside to borrow their phone. It was there he met a bartender named Maia, the brand new werewolf on the block. I try my best to avoid most Shadowhunters spoilers, but Maia’s cast announcement is the one piece of news that kept showing up in my timelines for the past few weeks. I always saw these article headlines like *omg meet the actress playing maia!* *omg maia is gonna be in next episode!* *omg who else is excited for maia!* I didn’t even know a single damn thing about Maia and I was already so hyped about her character’s arrival lol.
Maia transformed from a nice girl to a mean badass in the bat of an eye.
Maia seemed like a cool chick at first. She was incredibly nice to Jace at the beginning, greeting him with so much hospitality and good humour. I remember feeling relieved that he found a new ally on his side. But then, two minutes later…ooh boy! Let’s just say Jace will regret entering this random bar rather than that convenience store around the street corner!

BITCH. FLIPPED. OUT. One moment, Maia was still exchanging pleasantries with Jace, la dee la. Next moment, she turned against him so fast and was braying for his blood, grrr grrr grrrrr! It was like somebody flicked a light switch on her character, which changed her personality upside down, going from cool & chill to cranky & crazy in a single flash.

Gretel's godfather Taito is one angry motherfucker who wants to kill Jace and avenge Gretel.
Maia must’ve checked her Twitter feed, where she learned that her friend Gretel had been murdered and Jace was named the prime suspect. This was her thought process leading up to her meltdown: *gretel is dead!* *you killed her!!* *your death is payback, bitch!!!*

Jace: Look, I don’t wanna hurt anyone, okay!?
Maia: Too bad! ‘Cause we do!

To make matters worse, Gretel’s goddamn godfather happened to be inside this exact same bar as well. Talk about wrong place, wrong time. Taito is one angry motherfucker with the distinction of being totally motherfucking crazy. He didn’t wait for the referee to blow the first whistle before lunging towards Jace, swinging both fists, and hammering his victim with his incredible HULK SMASH!

The werewolf slammed Jace's head and used him to wipe the bar counter like a dirty rag.
OMFG. The fight was so fucking intense! I thought it’d be a simple bar brawl with a couple of fists thrown here and there. What I got instead was absolute chaos with everyone cracking glasses and mugs against each other’s skulls. At one point, the werewolf slammed Jace’s head and used him to wipe the bar counter like a dirty rag! It was so fucking violent and too fucking awesome!
Maia is relentless in her pursuit and won't stop until she kills Jace.
Jace escapes before the werewolf could pummel him to death. You’d think this marks the end of his troubles and he can go back to hiding in peace, right? Unfortunately, Maia is relentless in her pursuit. There’s no stopping this bitch as she chases Jace through busy streets and narrow roads and dark alleyways. Simply put, Maia is OUT FOR BLOOD and won’t give up UNTIL YOU’RE DEAD!

Maia: You can’t hide your scent, shadowhunter!!!

No matter where Jace tries to run or hide, Maia is always right there within striking distance to hound his ass. One of the disadvantages to having a werewolf opponent is that she can always sniff out your whereabouts. Every breath you take, every fart you make, Maia will be smelling you!

Jace is impersonating as a doctor, but none of the real doctors seem to care.
Their cat-and-mouse chase leads Maia and Jace to the hospital, where we see the unintentionally funniest scene of the episode. Since he’s trying to hide from her, Jace decides to put on a lab coat and stand by the lockers with his back turned to throw Maia off the scent. Hilariously enough, there were two real doctors standing next to him, but they don’t seem alarmed about the IMPOSTER pulling such a blatant trick in front of them! *lolwtf*

Um hello!? This random guy is running around the hospital and impersonating as a doctor? Can one of these background extras do their jobs and pretend to care a little?

Maia transforms into a werewolf in the hospital right in front of Jace.
By now, Jace is already covered in scratches, cuts, bruises, gaping wounds, not to mention the poor bastard suffers from major blood loss. Hey Maia, it looks like your victim suffered enough as it is. Maybe you should show Jace some mercy and give him some breathing space? How about a five-minute timeout for everyone?

NOPE. You should know that Maia Roberts is relentless, ruthless, and most of all, merciless. Once she corners Jace in a hospital hallway, we witness her bone-chilling transformation from human form into werewolf form. She was clawing off her skin, her body was bursting open, and you could actually hear her bones cracking during the transformation. Fucking hardcore, yo!

Maia fully transforms into her werewolf form.
Here’s Maia transformed fully into a werewolf! Pretty little doggie, isn’t she? It’s a testament to how fucking scary Maia is that she looks slightly less intimidating in her werewolf form than she does in her human form.

Jace: You have every reason to want me dead, but if you just let me explain, I…
Maia: GRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Jace is given one last chance to beg for his life, but omfg can he stop being so diplomatic and cut to the chase? His best bet at survival is to yell out *I DIDN’T KILL GRETEL LEMME LIVE YOU CRAZY BITCH*. Not that it matters what Jace says anyway, since Maia is determined to go in for the kill. “If you just let me explain…” is gonna be some pretty unremarkable last words before he dies.

Jocelyn saved Jace's life. He returns the favour with lots of snarky comments.
In the end, Jace got a reprieve when Mama Fray showed up and rescued his ass. I know it’s weird that she saved his life after trying to kill him just two fortnights ago, but Jocelyn’s character is a big walking contradiction and her actions never make sense.

Jocelyn: Alec needs you. I’m here to help.
Jace: Like you did last time when you shot an arrow in my head? I love those maternal instincts, but I think I’ll pass.

lmao @ all the sass that he’s giving her. She just saved his life and he returned the favour with lots of snarky insults!

Jocelyn keeps getting into ugly confrontations with most of the characters on the show.
Jocelyn continues her apology tour by begging her son for forgiveness. Even though she seems genuinely remorseful, he still refuses her help and wants nothing to do with this messy bitch.

Jocelyn: I’m so sorry. What your father did to you. The choices I had to make.
Jace: Yeah, I guess we both drew the short straw. Life lesson, don’t fall in love with the devil.
Jocelyn: Just let me help you get back to Alec. Just let me do this one thing for my son.
Jace: Y’know, I made it this far on my own. I think I’ll keep it that way.

In the past two episodes, the vast majority of Jocelyn’s scenes have featured various characters hurling verbal abuse towards her. Can you believe we’re already on Ugly Confrontation #5, after Clary, Luke, Alec and Magnus have all given her a smackdown? Love her or hate her, this bitch brings in the drama!

Magnus gives Alec a TRU LUV kiss

Aldertree is happy to let Alec die as long as it'll help him take down Jace..
Alec is still in a deep coma. Izzy and Magnus know the only way to save their loved one is to bring him to Jace. Unfortunately, Aldertree is being such a dick and won’t cooperate with them at all. No, you can’t move Alec out of this institute! No, warlocks aren’t allowed on my pureblood compound! No, Jace is a dangerous criminal and he should be shot on sight!

Izzy: You’re just using Alec as bait to arrest Jace!
Aldertree: No, I’m working to capture the fugitive who put Alec in this position.

That’s exactly what Izzy said, but rephrased in a douchier manner. No matter how he tries to spin it, Aldertree is perfectly content to let Alec die if it’ll help him take down Jace. At least Alec & Jace can finally be reunited in the afterlife if Aldertree had his way and succeeded in killing them both.

Izzy tells Raj to shut the fuck up.
Aldertree instructs one of his henchmen to keep watch over Izzy and Magnus. Meet Raj, you don’t need to know anything about this loyal lackey other than that he’s awful. No surprise, anybody affiliated with Aldertree gotta be a douchebag by association.

Raj: I’m just following orders…
Izzy: SHUT UP RAJ!!

It’s funny because Raj only uttered one line since being introduced, but Izzy already told him to shut the fuck up. You spoke four words so far and that’s still four words too many. Stop depleting our oxygen, Raj!

Why does this Raj person think he's entitled to an opinion? Shut the fuck up!
It didn’t take long before Raj started mouthing off and showing his ass in the most annoying way. Somebody takes their lackey job too seriously and thinks he’s entitled to an actual opinion.

Raj: I have direct orders. If you can’t help him, then you need to go.
Magnus: My magic is the only thing keeping Alec from completely slipping away. I won’t leave.
Raj: He’s clearly not waking up any time soon. So, you can leave now or I can remove you myself.

OMFG. How fucking dare you. Who is this little piece of shit and why does he think he’s allowed to talk back to Magnus!? Nobody cares what you have to say, Raj! Did you not hear Izzy earlier? SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Magnus showed Raj who's boss by shooting orange laser beams out of his middle finger.
Raj: I know you’re old, but I didn’t realize you were hard of hearing.
Magnus: Oh hell no. *cast spell* DON’T COME FOR ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH.

Thank god Magnus showed him who’s boss and put this fucking twerp in his place. It was pretty awesome watching our badass warlock shoot some orange laser beam out of his middle finger. The laser attack silenced Raj immediately, knocking him down on his soggy butt. Damn right, nobody messes with Magnus Bane, especially not some douchey mouthbreather who talks out of his ass!

Magnus tries to wake Alec up with a magical true love's kiss.
Even though Magnus was able to teleport Alec’s body into his apartment, he still doesn’t have a cure. No matter what type of warlock magic he uses, nothing seems to work. Magnus is all out of tricks and he can’t think of any other way to revive Alec… except for a magical kiss! *blushes*

Magnus: I’ve tried everything… Except… *smooch*

LMAO. When Magnus planted a delicate little kiss on Alec’s lips, I laughed out loud so hard. I can’t believe he actually tried it! As ridiculous as it may sound, Magnus thinks he’s a fairytale prince and can lift Alec’s curse with the magic of true love’s kiss. It worked on Snow White! It worked on Sleeping Beauty! Hey, maybe it could work on Alec too! *kisses* Wake up, my dear! Your prince is here!

Sorry Magnus, but I bet true love's kiss would work if Jace was the one who kissed Alec instead.
If Alec actually woke up because of the kiss, that would’ve been both incredible and hilarious at the same time. Unfortunately, Shadowhunters doesn’t take place in the same universe as Once Upon a Time where true love’s kiss can break any curse, so Alec remains unaffected by the magical mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

I hate to go there, but has anyone considered that Magnus’ kiss didn’t work because he isn’t Alec’s true love? Sorry bro, you’re not the predestined one. Now, imagine if it was Jace who gave him the kiss instead. The shock and delight would’ve been enough to jolt Alec wide awake. I bet you he’d snap out of his coma so fast before plunging into Jace’s lips again for even more kisses!

Alec spends the entire episode lying in bed with his eyes closed.
BTW, Matthew Daddario had the easiest job filming this episode. Alec’s character spends nearly the entire time lying in bed with his eyes closed. He might mumble a few incoherent words on some occasions, but that’s the extent of his entire workload. Just go to sleep and get kissed, that’s it. What a chill way to earn your paycheque, right? I imagine the rest of the cast look on with envy wondering if their characters could be written into a coma for an episode or two.

Alec and Jace have a gay wedding

In a flashback, we see the child versions of Alec and Jace when they were kids.
It must be tough for Magnus to come between Alec and Jace considering they’ve ten years of history with each other. You’re going up against a *childhood best friend* who was also a *first crush* as well as an *unrequited love*. Good luck getting Alec to drop even one of the baggage, let alone all three. Besides, how can you compete with two besties who’ve gone through the Pokemon era & the Harry Potter era & the Super Smash Brothers era & The Office era together? Magnus, gurrrrl, I don’t fancy your chances.

During a flashback, we see the junior versions of Alec and Jace when they initially met. It was already love at first sight for these two kiddos. From the moment Jace Jr. flashed a smile at him, Alec Jr. was hopelessly smitten on the spot. “Hi, I’m Jace!” Oh, it’s very nice to meet you, my future husband!

Jace is only the best shadowhunter because he took drugs.
One of the reasons why Alec fell in love with Jace is his swagger. We all fancy a certain type, and Alec has a particular fondness for arrogant little punks who like to show off their shadowhunting skills. When Jace Jr. threw a seraph blade and hit bullseye on the target, his secret admirer was like *zomg so cute so talented so perfect*

Jace Jr.: It’s all about confidence. Once you believe you’re the best, you’ll be unstoppable.

Pfft. Easy for the kid who took drug injections since childbirth to say that they’re the very best. Now that we know Jace is only such a good shadowhunter because of his demon blood, is anybody less impressed with his capabilities? Jace is akin to an athlete who uses performance-enhancement drugs to win gold medals. Yeah, you’re the best, with a big fat asterisk mark next to your name.

Meet the child actor and teen actor playing Alec in the flashbacks!
I know we all have thoughts on the child actors and teen actors that they’ve selected to portray Alec and Jace’s adolescent selves. Let me start by saying that I don’t envy the casting director for having to find different versions of these characters. I mean, just look at Daddario. It was already a divine miracle that God even created one specimen of impeccable physical perfection, now imagine trying to find three genies in a bottle.

From certain camera angles, I guess I can see the resemblance between all three of Alec’s actors. Teen Alec and Adult Alec don’t look that much alike though. Shadowhunters could’ve gotten away with using the adult actor to play the teenager in the flashbacks. As it stands now, it looks like Teen Alec had a massive growth spurt during puberty and grew into a brand new face.

Meet the child actor and teen actor playing Jace in the flashbacks!
As for Jace’s actors, the three of them don’t look alike and hardly resemble the same person. For a while, I thought Teen Jace might actually grow up to become Adult Ryan Gosling instead.

Looking at Alec’s and Jace’s actors in the flashbacks, guess what I’m reminded of? The Sims. You know how the sims can grow into different life stages, right? Well, sometimes, the child sim grows up and looks nothing like the teen sim. And even the teen sim can look a little off when they transition into an adult sim. They might all have the same hair colour and skin colour, but that’s approximately where the similarities end.

Jace was very touchy-feely with Alec during their teenage years, constantly giving him these manly hugs.
During their teenage years, Alec’s romantic feelings continued to deepen. It definitely didn’t help that Teen Jace was so damn affectionate, patting his shoulder and grabbing his arm and squeezing him in manly hugs. Tell me, how is a gay guy supposed to react when your best bro hugs you so hard that your groins are touching?

Teen Jace: We make a great team!
Teen Alec: The best team!
Teen Jace: Once we get our parabatai runes, we’ll officially be brothers. Nothing can change that.

When Teen Jace said the dreaded B word, Teen Alec’s sad little face dropped instantly and you can hear his heart breaking into a million pieces. He might think of me as his bro, but I have so many unsavoury thoughts of bro-on-bro.

Teen Izzy looks nothing like the adult version.
Teen Alec felt so sexually frustrated that he got cold feet and called off their parabatai ceremony. OMFG. Why does this commitment-phobe always run away right before a big life moment? If only somebody had warned his former fiancée Lydia about Alec’s track record in the past, she could’ve adjusted her expectations and stayed home on their wedding day.

Teen Izzy: All these years of training and you’re just gonna call it off? Are you nuts!? Whatever happened between you two, why don’t you just kiss and make up?

I love that Teen Izzy (who looks NOTHING like the adult version lmao) was already a big Jalec stan at such a young age. Ironically, she was the one who convinced him to go through with the ceremony, not knowing that he’ll be on the brink of death due to his parabatai bond years later. Don’t encourage him, Izzy! You’re pushing your brother to his death!

Izzy gives some great advice to snap Alec out of his funk.
Teen Izzy: I know you’re obnoxious and stubborn…
Teen Alec: I hope you’re going somewhere with this.
Teen Izzy: But you’re also loyal and honest and a big old softie when you stop worrying about what people are thinking about you. One day, somebody is gonna love you, heart and soul.

First of all, that’s a really accurate assessment of Alec’s character, describing his strengths and weaknesses to a tee. Second of all, Izzy wins at sistering. OMG, those were some emotionally powerful words said by a gushing preteen. I need somebody to roleplay and deliver that exact same speech to me. The feels, the feels, the feels…

Alec and Jace have a gay wedding ceremony to celebrate their parabatai love for each other.
And now it’s time for Jalec’s wedding ceremony! Okay, the show technically calls it a “runing” ceremony or whatever cutesy term they use. But let’s not kid ourselves here, this is totally the gayest wedding ever. *lol*

Teen Jace: Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee.
Teen Alec: For whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge.

Ah, it was such a beautiful gay wedding with our two grooms holding hands, gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes, and exchanging biblical vows about their unconditional love. I take thee to be my lawfully wedded parabatai, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, until death do us part! Congratulations, Alec and Jace are officially married!

Magnus doesn't know that Alec was married to Jace a long time ago.
Even though we don’t get to see what happened after their wedding vows, I imagine Alec and Jace exchanged rings followed by an intimate kiss. YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE.

As I celebrate Jalec’s nuptials, my heart pangs deeply for Magnus. Oh, our poor warlock has no idea that his budding romance with Alec is already doomed. He thought they were both single and unattached, but Magnus doesn’t know he was actually courting a married man. Alec pledged his soul to Jace a long time ago and nobody will be able to come between their parabatai marriage. Don’t cry Magnus, one day somebody is going to love you heart and soul, but that somebody is not gonna be Alec…

At last, Alec wakes up with a TRU LUV hug?

Maia is determined to kill Jace and will show him no mercy.
GOTCHYA! Maia finally catches up to Jace and has him cornered. He makes an emotional appeal with a sob story about his dying brother, and Maia is so genuinely touched by his remarks that she breaks down, forgives him, and the two of them cry on each other’s shoulders! …lol jk! I’m just bullshitting ya, of course Maia doesn’t give a fuck. TIME TO DIE JACE!!!

Jace: My brother is counting on me! You can kill me, just please let me get to him first!
Maia: …… *glares* …… *clicks tongue* …… I wish I could, but idgaf.

Does anybody else love Maia? Her vendetta might be misguided, but you gotta admire her ferocious tenacity and her steadfast refusal to show any mercy towards Jace. This bitch has fire burning in her eyes and ice running in her veins. What a badass, you go gurl!

Clary announces that Valentine killed Gretel and Jace is innocent.
Fear not, the reinforcements are here! Let’s welcome the justice squad who have arrived just in time to save Jace’s life! *trumpets please*

Clary: STOP!!! Jace didn’t kill Gretel! It was Valentine! I’m telling you the truth, I swear!

Clary shows up outta nowhere just to make the most obvious statements ever. You guys are gonna be blown away by my truth bombs, but Jace is a good guy and Valentine is a bad guy! OMG! …and meanwhile, you know Maia must be wondering *who* the hell this random chick is and why she thinks her words have *any* impact whatsoever. A stranger tells me Jace is innocent, I gotta believe her!

Luke uses his green contact lenses to summon authority over Maia.
Luke: Stand down!
Maia: Keep out of this, Luke!
Luke: I said… *flashes green eyes* STAND. DOWN.
Maia: *whimpers* …ok.

Maia doesn’t obey Luke’s orders at first, not until he puts on his green contact lenses and suddenly she’s like I SURRENDER TO MY MASTER LUKE. Wow, his green-eyed powers of persuasion were strangely effective. Who knew it’d be so easy to tame Maia with one cutting look? OMG, I’ll do whatever you say, just don’t gimme those scary green eyes!

Izzy made a deal with Aldertree by exchanging Jace's freedom for Alec's life.
Just when Jace thought he got saved from a pack of wolves, little does he know that he’s thrown into an even more vicious pack of monsters instead. That’s because his rescue came at a special price. Earlier, Izzy was feeling desperate about Alec’s condition, so she negotiated a deal with Alderdouche: he’ll help her reunite Jalec together… if she agrees to hand over Jace to the shadowpolice. You can save one brother, but you gotta sacrifice the other!

Izzy had an impossible dilemma. She was in a situation where both her brothers could die at any given moment. If saving Alec’s life came at the expense of Jace’s freedom, then I think she made the right call and I don’t blame her for making a deal with the devil. Thanks to Izzy, her brother Alec now gets to live and her other brother Jace gets to live too… Live in prison, that is.

Jace holds an unconscious Alec in his arms, clasping his hand, caressing his face.
When Jalec reunited together, I was curious to see exactly how Jace planned on saving Alec’s soul. I expected something along the lines of *magical CPR*, which would allow him to resurrect his parabatai through mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I don’t need to know all the technical details, but my only requirement is that it gotta involve mouth-to-mouth!

Sadly, Jace only used his mouth to recite his wedding vows to an unconscious Alec. He kneeled before his husband, clasping his hand and caressing his cheekbones. This might’ve been a romantic scene if it wasn’t for Clary & Magnus watching awkwardly in the background. We’re having a special Jalec moment here, but your presences are kinda ruining the vibe! Izzy can stay, but the other two non-Jalec fans need to leave the VIP area unless they got backstage passes!

Jace hugs Alec and cries at the prospect of losing his parabatai forever.
No matter how sweet Jace was with his hubby, Alec just won’t wake up. There was even a fear that his life might be slipping away. Jace began to sob at the thought of losing his parabatai and gave him an intimate embrace. Don’t die on me, honey! You promised until death do us part! Since I’m such Jalec trash, of course I was lapping up these scenes and crying right along with my homies. You can’t die yet, Alec! Not when we’re this close to getting a Jalec kiss!

If I had to identify a point in Shadowhunters where it’s possible for Alec & Jace to lock lips, this would be the perfect time. Emotions are high, desperation is in the air, I can see it happening. What makes it so special is that the Jalec opportunities don’t come very often, almost as rare as a blue moon in the sky. If Alec and Jace don’t kiss now, we might never get another chance again!

Izzy knows Alec is faking his condition just to get attention from Jace.
Let’s check in with the audience members to see how they react to Alec’s death!

Clary: *bawling her eyes out* lol why is this bitch so emotional? Clary is crying even harder than Magnus or Izzy, which seems strange since she and Alec aren’t that close. Everyone else in the room has a relationship with him, but one of these things do not belong… and it’s you.

Magnus: *a single tear trickling down his cheek* Magnus had a more subdued reaction, but he still cried enough to mess up his eyeliner. Goddammit Alec, your death is ruining my makeup!

Izzy: *does not react* Izzy has a muted expression because she knows her brother is fine. Theory: Alec gained consciousness from the moment Jace entered the room, but he played dead to relish in Jace’s affections. Izzy knows Alec and can tell he’s totally faking it for the attention lol.

I swear I heard Alec snoring at one point during the scene.!
Did anyone hear Alec’s snoring? I swear I heard him snore at one point during this scene and that’s when I knew he was conscious. Okay Alec, the jig is up. We know you’ve been awake for the past few minutes, but only kept your eyes closed in hopes of waiting for Jace to make the moves on you. Nice try, you sly dog!

In fact, what if Alec was actually conscious for the entire episode? He has been playing everybody all along, only pretending to be asleep to steal kisses from Magnus and Jace, which worked on at least one of them. Best conspiracy theory ever, am I right?

 Alec wakes up after Jace gives him a true love's hug !
After toying with our emotions for the whole episode, it seems like such an anticlimactic finish for Alec to wake up because of true love’s hug. Okay, this is some serious bullshit. I’m not asking for a full makeout session between them, but at least give us a small peck on the cheek to symbolize their so-called parabatai bond. By the way, all our fairy tale stories need to be rewritten, now that we know Snow White and Sleeping Beauty can wake up with just a friendly brotherly hug from Prince Charming.
Jace gets arrested after saving Alec's life.
At least this fairy tale has a happy ending with Jace being hauled off to jail immediately afterwards! Poor Alec didn’t even have the time to enjoy more than a few seconds of true love’s embrace, before Aldertree and his cronies dragged Jace away for lifetime imprisonment.

Aldertree: Jace Wayland! You are hereby sentenced to the City of Bones to await trial for the charge of high treason and aiding Valentine in the war against the Clave.
Alec: Wait, what… What the hell is going on!?
Jace: It’s okay, Alec. All that matters is you’re back.

Bye bye forever, Jace! Hope you enjoy prison! At least Alec can visit you during your conjugal visits together, where the two of you can *hug* each other for as long as you want.

3 Comments

  1. Hiya
    I’ve just discovered this page very recently, searching about PLL. Y’see, I have recently started watching (downloading to be precise) the series from the beginning and I found your recaps. I laugh so hard that people give me funny looks ¬_¬ so I want to give you a big thank you to make me laugh my arse out so much, I soo much needed this
    I was relieved to see that I’m not the only Ezria hater. Boy, I used to skip their scenes together and go for more interesting stuff elsewhere on the episode. I’m currently starting season 3 ( Ikr, sorry just found about the series recently)
    I loved your recaps of The Walking Dead pilot and some of American Horror Story, any plans to continue with them? Do you watch The 100? (a recap would be great)
    sorry for writing randomly here but since this is your latest recap, I assume you’ll read this sooner than if I wrote on PLL season 3 amongst the 2012 comments ¬¬
    see ya

    • HIYA! :D Thank you for all dem nice words! My blog is a safe haven for all us Ezria haters and it still amazes me that their wretched relationship keeps hitting *new lows* season after season.

      Unfortunately, no plans to recap TWD or AHS. I *may* recap the TWD finale if it ever ends just for the lulz but I really haven’t watched the show in a while, other than glimpsing here and there to see which character is still alive. I wanted to watch The 100 back when I heard there was a sizzling lezmance that got a lot of buzz, but then I found out what happened so I was like nvm.

      Right now, my priorities are Shadowhunters and PLL recaps. I need to get back to recapping Season 7 of Pretty Little Liars because it has been four months since I last worked on a new one. >_< I do read every single comment even though I don't *always* reply back right away. Feel free to comment any time! See ya!

  2. Thx for your reply ^_^ I’m currently on a PLL marathon so I will be enjoying all your recaps on that. It’ll be some time ’till I hit S07 but I’m kinda hooked on this fucking series so it won’t be any big amount of time

    <3

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