ZOMG DRAMA IN DA SHADOW HOUSE. This episode begins with Clary throwing a ginormous bitch fit after Jocelyn tried to kill her own son. Shockingly, Mama Fray shows zero remorse over her callous murder attempt, other than the regret that she should’ve aimed better. She defends herself with hilarious excuses such as *YO BROTHER AIN’T WHO HE SAYS HE IS* and *I’M THE REAL VICTIM HERE*. Gurrrrl, playing the victim card right after you tried to publicly execute your child might not garner as much sympathy as you think.

Can we all agree that Clary’s mom is a legit trainwreck? From marrying a psychopath to assassinating her son, this woman’s entire existence is just a series of self-destructive life choices. I’m starting to understand why Clary is such a disastrous human being sometimes because she clearly inherited it from her mother. The messy bitch gene must run in their family DNA.

Simon got the front row seats during their heated family feud, and he would occasionally step into the fighting ring to serve as the referee.

Simon: Hey, maybe we should take a deep breath and relax…
Jocelyn: Simon, give us some space please.
Clary: No, no, you’re not going anywhere! You’re the only person I can trust right now!

Simon is scoring so hard with Clary in this scene. She may have made that remark in the heat of the moment, but you know it’s totally fuelling his deepest fangirl fantasies. Also, did anyone notice how Simon used this opportunity to put his grubby little hand on Clary’s back? Lemme comfort you and cop a feel at the same time!

Rest assured Jocelyn has a perfectly logical and sane reason for why she wants her son dead: I GOTTA KILL JACE CUZ HE’S THE SPAWN OF SATAN!!! Bitch believes she gave birth to Rosemary’s baby just because Valentine added a few drops of demon blood here and there.

Jocelyn: Valentine thought demon blood would make our child strong. And it did, but it also made him…evil. Clary, you had no idea how much I loved your brother. He was my baby boy. And I didn’t want to believe it until I saw what he was capable of.

Look at that goddamn evil baby! Y U GOT NO SOUL??? You can tell this diabolical mastermind was already plotting nefarious schemes along with the destruction of the world during his villainous infant years.

During a flashback, we finally see a glimpse of Baby Jace’s worst crimes against humanity. Viewer’s discretion is advised, because the following scene may contain cold-blooded violence unlike anything we’ve seen before. Are you ready? Deep breaths, don’t faint, but it turns out the evil baby used his telekinetic powers to make a couple of flowers wilt!

Um, okay? From the way that Mama Fray described her baby, I was expecting a soulless creature that can spit fire, shoot laser beams out of its eyes, and twist its head around in a slow 360-degree motion. If that flashback of him destroying a few flowers was the worst depiction she can conjure, than maybe this bitch needs to rethink her definition of *evil*.

After Baby Jace used his evil brainwaves to kill the flowers, Jocelyn reacted with so much dread and outrage that seemed highly disproportionate to the crime committed. OH THE HORROR!!! *clenches heart and begins to sob* Never have we suffered a more devastating loss in the universe than at the hands of this ruthless demonic child! His bloodlust is insatiable, his homicidal rage is unstoppable, and his malevolence is simply unthinkable. This monster must pay for the genocide committed in my garden!

According to Jocelyn’s logic, her son is irredeemably evil because he messed up her rose garden and that justifies why she oughta kill him. I don’t get it, I don’t understand what the big deal is. If your beastly baby killed a few of your petunias, then just grow some damn new ones.

Jocelyn: I went to one of Idris’ most powerful warlocks, Ragnor Fell. He warned me that in the future, your brother would only leave death and destruction in his wake!!!

Good grief, I can’t deal with this irrational bitch and all her dysfunctional melodrama. Does she have an off button somewhere? Mama Fray was so much more tolerable last season back when she was in a permanent vegetative state. Valentine was truly doing GOD’S WORK for putting the bitch in a coma and sparing us from her ridiculous drama. All is forgiven, bro! Now come back and save us from Jocelyn once more!

Clary doesn’t know what to think anymore (no surprises there) after hearing such scandalous truths about her brother-boyfriend. It doesn’t help that Simon is like a wasp constantly in her ear when this guy has an obvious agenda. He’s talking so much trash against Jace and will say anything to discredit his rival. He killed vampires! He ran off with Valentine! He’s such a bad guy! Give me your final rose instead, Clary!

Clary: You’re saying my mom is right about this? That Jace is some kind of evil flower killing monster that deserves a death sentence?
Simon: No, no, that’s not what I’m saying…

No Clary, you’re mistaken. That’s not what he’s saying, it’s just what he’s thinking. *lol so obvious*

Simon: Your mom is the sanest person I know. Remember when she told me it was a bad idea to get the Champagne Enema tattoo?

I think it says more about your sanity levels than hers that you’d even consider getting that tattoo? Also omg u guise, I made the very unfortunate decision to image search *champagne enema* with safesearch off, thinking naively that the internet will return me with pics or fanart of this fictional band. Let’s just say some visuals can never be unseen. I am disturbed, FOREVER DISTURBED.

Hooooly shit, u guise! There’s an epic catfight breaking out in aisle one! It all kicked off when Clary tried to be a nice person and asked Alec if he was feeling ok. How dare she, the nerve of that hussy! *shakes fist* It’s not really Clary’s fault, the simple fact that she entered his peripheral vision would’ve been enough to provoke Alec and triggered his angry hulk rage.

Clary: hi alec! wassup gurl!
Alec: PRETTY BOLD OF YOU TO SHOW YOUR FACE AROUND.
Clary i-
Alec: UNLESS YOUR EXPLANATION CAN BRING JACE BACK, SAVE IT.

Most people would respond to such hostility with a *fucku2* and simply walk away, but Clary kept pushing and prodding until Alec erupts into a FULL DIVA MELTDOWN. *snaps fingers*

Alec: How well do I even know you? I mean, you show up outta nowhere, you convince my brother, you convince me to search for your mother. The next thing I know, Jace is gone and your mother is the one trying to kill him. Since you’ve arrived, you’ve caused nothing but problems. My family lost their birthright, Izzy was almost deruned, and now Valentine has my parabatai. AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.

YES SIS CLOCK HA. Our diva just completely annihilated that basic bitch and reduced her to nothing. We always knew Alec hated Clary, but we never knew exactly how much he loathed her fucking guts until now. Don’t hold back! Tell us how you really feel about dat bitch! AND DON’T STOP UNTIL YOU DESTROY HER.

At one point, Clary tries to grab onto Alec’s arm in order to connect with him, but he instantly slaps that bitch’s hand away lol. Excuse me, this body is reserved for hot guys only. Please don’t touch the muscles on display, ma’am.

Clary: Jace is my brother too! I want Jace back as much as you do!
Alec: You barely know him!!! I grew up with him! I fought by his side! He’s my brother! He’s my best friend!

Oh my god, Alec is so possessive over Jace that nobody else is even allowed to care about him as much as he does. Loving Jace *is* a competition and I GOTTA WIN. Who does this clary bitch think she is saying she wants Jace as much as I do, BITCH YOU CAN NEVER. Jace and I had our quinceañeras together, that sacred bond is IRREPLACABLE.

We all know the reason why Alec despises Clary so much is because he stanned Jace for years with no reciprocal feelings, yet this nobody bitch showed up outta nowhere and already got into his pants. A lot of Alec’s anger towards her is overblown and misplaced, but wouldn’t you be pissed off too if some pesky ho got in the way of your OTP?

Clary: I’M SORRY. I’M SORRY.
Alec: When are you gonna realize you don’t belong here? You never have.

Look, I get that Clary is a needy bitch and it’s her thing to crave for everybody’s acceptance, but at some point she gotta realize it’s a lost cause with Alec. No matter how much she wants them to be bosom buddies, we gotta accept the fact that their relationship will never get better. Like she’s Lea Michele and he’s Naya Rivera, some bitches just aren’t meant to get along.

You’d think Clary might take a hint after Alec declared *I THINK YOU’RE TRASH* to her face point-blank, but this bitch won’t take no for an answer and insists on having these awkward social encounters with her nemesis.

Clary: hai guise, i-
Alec: Did you not hear me before!? THERE’S NO PLACE FOR YOU HERE.

omg clary, this is getting so pathetic even by your standards. Just let it go, gurl! Alec will never accept your Facebook request no matter how much you pester him to be your friend! Now go make yourself useless elsewhere and stop being such a clingy embarrassment. BYE GURL.

After Alec yelled at her for the umpteenth time, Clary went crawling into her room and started crying her eyes out. Oh my god, is this bitch ferreal? Clary is such a delicate little snowflake that she can’t stand the thought of somebody saying a few mean things about her. SOBBBBB.

Am I the only asshole who thinks it’s amazing that Alec bullied Clary into tears? WHAT A LEGEND. I didn’t think I’d enjoy watching a grown man make a little girl cry, but his epic smackdown gave me all kinds of pleasure. I admit Alec was being an ass, there’s brutal honesty and then there’s just being a dick. However, Clary has enough sycophants in her life who follow the bitch around telling her how special she is, so I appreciate Alec delivering some home truths about her. Don’t hate Alec just because he said what we’re all thinking and told Clary how much she sux.

Clary continues to throw a pity party and whine about her life. Wah wah, I hate being a shadowhunter! I hate having all these cool awesome superpowers! Ugh, can Alec please come in and shut this bitch down some more? Fortunately, Izzy was here to kneel beside Clary, look into her eyes, and give a *YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE* pep talk.

Clary: I want to feel normal again… I want my old life back…
Izzy: You have a new life now. You have me. That’s not going to change.

Now kiss kiss to feel better? It must be noted Clary has so much more romantic chemistry with Izzy than she does with either Jace or Simon combined. Her character is only tolerable whenever she’s in a scene with Izzy, who kicks so much ass that I forget about Clary’s deficiencies in the awesomeness department. Yeah, I’d be 100% behind the two of them coupling up together!

In fact, Shadowhunters needs to do the right thing and just put all of their characters in a same-sex romance. Think of how much more tolerable and watchable this show would be if these are the official ships:

1.) Izzy x Clary, because she’s the only one who can make Clary tolerable.
2.) Simon x Raphael, because hot gay latino vampire sex is a kink I never knew I had.
3.) Alec x Magnus x Jace, because Alec gets best of both worlds in this ménage a trois.
4.) Luke x Aldertree, because who doesn’t want a piece of this daddy-on-daddy action?

Result: the show is improved by a million times. Go all gay and all out, who agrees with me?

Back at HQ! The shadowhunter society is spazzing out because they let Valentine get away under their nose yet again. During a very strange confrontation, Aldertree had the audacity to blame Lydia for the failure of their mission. Um hello? You bitches fired her as the head of the institute last episode, remember? How is she responsible for anything when she ain’t the leader no more?

Lydia: This wasn’t my fault, I know it!
Aldertree: You’re responsible for the actions of your institute, are you not!?

Oh, so it’s suddenly Lydia’s institute again now that something has gone wrong. *lol* Her new job position at the institute must be Official Scapegoat because whenever Aldertree fucks up a task, it gotta be her fault! *all fingers point towards Lydia*

By the way, has Lydia been demoted so much that she’s working as the secretary now? She spends most of this episode listening to Aldertree bark orders at her, sets up his daily appointments, and struts around the institute fetching guests for him. After Lydia escorted Simon into Aldertree’s office for a meeting, I thought he was gonna turn towards her and ask, “Would you be a dear and make some coffee for us please?”

Like geez, Lydia’s fall from grace is so humiliating to watch. How did someone go from sitting on the throne last season to sitting behind the receptionist desk this season???

OMG EMERGENCY MEETING! Apparently, Valentine has been abducting various street fighters at dojos and karate clubs in order to recruit them into his evil army. The shadowhunters are gonna stop these abductions, which’ll hopefully lead them to Jace. Clary only showed up near the end of the meeting and was shocked nobody sent her a RSVP invitation. OMG, when did the meeting start!? I hope you guys saved the refreshments for me!

Clary: When did the briefing start? Nobody told me.
Izzy: That wasn’t an accident.

The better question is how did Clary *not* know there was a meeting when literally every other person was in attendance. Gurl, where were you!? Were you too occupied on the toilet to notice that every person was gone from every room in the building?

Clary missed the entire meeting and had no idea what the mission was about, but of course she still wanted to be a part of it anyway., Aldertree shut that shit down immediately with an iron fist: ABSOLUTELY NOT REASON BEING YOU SUCK TOO MUCH!

Clary: Let me help!
Aldertree: Absolutely not. Your lack of training is a liability. Besides, you’re too close to this!

To be fair, Clary really doesn’t have any skills to bring to the table as a combat fighter or a magic healer or even just a support item user in your team. Gurl, you have no strength, stats, or skills to speak of. She’s destined to be one of those names that people bring up in their *most useless final fantasy character* discussions.

Aldertree also suggests that Izzy and Alec should be removed from the mission because they’re too close to Jace. However, Lydia has to remind him that they’re *literally* the only two shadowhunters who can go on the mission, because everybody else are just nameless extras who stand around computer screens all day pretending to look busy. You might think this institute is packed with hundreds of shadowhunters, but no really it’s just Alec and Izzy who do all the work around here.

As part of their mission, Alec and Izzy arrive at a dojo to field out some potential Valentine recruits. One of the big burly meatheads immediately start to hit on Izzy, saying he wanna take her home and lay down some moves. Izzy’s response was like *oh i’m so gonna enjoy kicking your ass lol*.

Meathead: I don’t fight girls.
Izzy: Then I guess it’s gonna be really one-sided.

And then Izzy proceeded to beat his ass down with three swift kicks to his balls, to his head, and to his face. *lol boss* I love how she didn’t hesitate and aimed straight for the groin during the first kick. I learned from my self-defence classes that’s where it hurts the most! Right in the crown jewels, BAM!!!

I know this sort of thing is almost a daily occurrence, but I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of watching Izzy kick ass. After she finished emasculating this meathead, Izzy places her foot on top of his windpipe (!!!) just to lord it over her victim and prove she has the power to crush him to death. Izzy’s mentality: *not only do i wanna kick your ass, but i also want to make you beg for your life and cry for mercy teeheehee*. It was thrilling, in a really horrifying way, to watch her reduce a grown ass man into squirming like a little ant.

Izzy and Alec set up a trap where they impersonate the meathead and trick one of Valentine’s minions into capturing him/them. Their plan was to interrogate him for information, but Valentine trained his lapdogs well and installed a *this minion will self-destruct in five seconds* mode that automatically activates whenever they get captured. As a result, the minion commits suicide by slitting his own throat! YOU WILL NEVER GET ME TO BETRAY MY MASTER HEHEHEHE. *dies*

zomg talk about a total overreaction. Suicide just seems so…unnecessary. If you didn’t want to say anything, maybe try cutting off your tongue instead of cutting off your throat. Or maybe just try *not* talking at all. It may surprise you, but a lot of people manage to take a vow of silence and still keep their heads intact.

Dead Minion: I DEVOTE MY LIFE TO MY MASTER’S CAUSE YAAAAASSS.
Valentine: …who are you again lol? *replaces you with a new minion*

At least this loyal minion died knowing that his death was for a great cause and it’ll be memorialized in the history books forever! *lolno* No, actually, he died in vain and his meaningless existence is already promptly forgotten by everyone, including Valentine. While you were dying, there were ten new minions waiting in the wings to replace you. Good job wasting your life for nothing, bye gurl bye!

Poor Simon is still getting picked on by the werewolf supremacy clan. Considering Simon is so harmless and adorkable, you’d think anybody would be happy to have such a wacky neighbour living in their premises, but not these bigoted werewolves. It’s like watching them harass a homeless hobo living in a cardboard home under the bridge. Instead of offering to help this poor hobo, they’re throwing rocks at him and telling him to fuck off elsewhere.

Gretel (the internet tells me her name is Gretel): Look at you, you’re an embarrassment to your own kind.

Like most mean girl cliques, there’s this one bitch who’s particularly aggro, while the rest of her vapid followers stand mutely behind her. Like, what’s her problem? Was she not loved enough as a child or something? Y R U SO MAD AT THE WORLD, SIS???

Even Raphael is lashing out at Simon. After Simon agreed to be an informant for Aldertree, he said something along the lines of “I personally dunno anything, but maybe someone like Raphael would know more…”. Of course, Aldertree twisted and misconstrued facts until he invented a story where Raphael is connected to a network of human-feeding vampire dens across town. Now Raphael is branded as a criminal and he’s like WTF SIMON FIX DIS SHIT NAO.

Simon: I can probably talk to Clary…

I love how Simon thinks talking to Clary will solve anything when she’s probably the LEAST powerful person among the shadowhunters. As we’ve witnessed, nobody listens to a damn word that bitch has to say. I think even the janitor scrubbing the toilets at the institute might have more authority and influence than Clary.

Raphael: Do you have any idea what the Clave does to vampires who violate the Accords?
Simon: I’m not sure I wanna kn-
Raphael: They nail us to crosses, then let shafts of sunlight burn off our body parts, one at a time.
Simon: Which body part!? You know what, don’t answer that.

ALL the body parts, Simon, so say goodbye to your perky buttocks. After hearing that remark, Simon’s mind immediately went *there* and he could only focus on one particular body part that terrifies him the most. Not his heart… Not any of his vital organs… BUT THEY’RE GONNA BURN OFF MY BALLS BRO!!!

During their heated exchange, Raphael got a little rough with Simon, constantly pushing him against walls and tussling his clothes. I think his demeanour was supposed to be intimidating, but it came across as… flirtatious. Can I say that lol? Every time Raphael got physical with Simon, my heart skipped a beat faster not knowing whether to expect a punch in the face or a kiss on the lips. Oh who am I kidding, I was totally expecting a kiss.

I’m reading too much into their interactions together, but ALL THE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN SIMON AND RAPHAEL THO. They might be the perfect match made in fangirl heaven. C’mon, two cute latino vampires sinking their fangs into each other? That’s the very definition of fan bait. It also helps that the actors have a great rapport and the characters have a fun dynamic, so I really like watching the two of them together. And you bet your ass I’ll be dissecting all their scenes for even the slightest whiffs of homoeroticism. *lol*

There’re a couple of things I like about Raphael’s character:

One, he’s a little hottie and he gets ten times hotter every time he randomly speaks Spanish on the show. Como estas, you fine stud.

Two, he gotta be the best dressed guy on the show, hands down. Who struts around in their finest, most expensive Armani suit in every scene? This stylish motherfucker, that’s who.

And three, his character is such a tsundere, to borrow an anime term. Here’s a guy who acts tough on the outside and constantly puts up an attitude, though deep down he’s just a big ole softie with a secret compassionate side. Raphael can act hot and cold with Simon all he wants, but we know he does care about his lil vampire bro more than he likes to admit. *nudge nudge*

Raphael orders Simon to track down Camille and ask her to sort out this mess. Simon doesn’t have any ideas how to find her, but luckily Magnus Bane’s Holistic Detective Agency is here to offer its services! Our favourite warlock detective will magically teleport you to one of Camille’s vacation homes around the world, while offering his snarky commentary and lots of glam style along the way. All this and more for just a small price! No need to take out your wallet, simply a lock of your vampire hair will do! *plucks*

I gotta ask the technical questions, but is vampire hair a legitimate form of currency in the Shadowhunters world? If so, what’s the hair-to-dollar exchange rate for each strand of hair? Let’s say if Simon plucked some of his armpit hairs, would he be able to use it and pay for a PS4 at his local Best Buy?

Poor Simon is not used to teleporting and gets motion sickness every time he passes through a portal. It’s funny because all the other characters teleport everywhere just fine, and even Clary doesn’t experience any problems, but this wuss is like GIMME A BARF BAGGG… Oh whoops, too late. Cleanup on aisle one.

Simon: Portalling is not my thing. Is there like a YouTube tutorial that I can watch?

Sorry Simon, I had a video guide uploaded on my channel, but YouTube blocked it for copyright infringement. Good luck finding anything else out there. Nowadays, YouTube only consists of music videos, makeup tutorial videos, and let’s-play videos watched by people who don’t have money to buy the actual games.

Simon and Magnus arrive at “India”. I felt the need to type India in quotation marks because we gotta distinguish between the real country and the fake one depicted on this show. Bless their hearts, they tried their best to create an authentic backdrop (ooh look, the Taj Mahal!) and they even played some Indian tunes in the background. But then, you remember you’re watching a Freeform show with a shoestring budget and the illusion immediately falls apart. *lol gurl*

Simon: Wait, are we in India!?
Magnus: Welcome to Agra!

Let’s play along anyway. Sure, Simon and Magnus are in “India” right now, and I’m currently typing this recap up in “Mars”.

Once they enter Camille’s vacation house, Magnus proclaims in shock when he sees all the stolen possessions that she looted from him back when they were dating. This vase! These statues! Those Happy Meal toys! They were all mine!

Magnus: *sees vase* Hmm, I recognize that. Ming Dynasty. *moment of recognition* Of course I recognize it! IT’S MINE.

An indignant Mangus takes back his belongings one by one, except there was SO MUCH of his stolen trinkets among Camille’s that he had to use a bag just to put everything in. Camille’s house is like a second-hand thrift shop with lots of goodies, except every single item inside actually once belonged to you. *lol*

Magnus also encounters a hilariously awesome couple’s portrait of him and Camille dressed in their best evening wear. Think fancy headscarves, exposed midriffs, and that random parrot next to them was a nice touch.

Magnus: *sighs at picture* Why do they always seem to get my bad side?

Shockingly, Magnus doesn’t take this artistic masterpiece back home with him, unless he’s planning to replicate the same picture with his current beau instead? OMG. Can you imagine if Malec did a portrait like this as a couple? MAKE IT HAPPEN. I think Alec would look good in that shade of green, don’t you?

Magnus: I portalled you to India. The rest of your sire squabble is all on you. Find me when you’re ready to leave, preferably when you’re done with Camille.
Simon: Right, because why would you need a powerful warlock when you got a scrappy nerd from Brooklin!?

To demonstrate what a scrappy little nerd he is, Simon grabs a sword and flails his arms around as haplessly as possible. Some people have natural hand-eye coordination and others just look like they have a spastic arm. Erm, is this how Simon thinks you swing a sword? Why does it look like he’s cooking rice on a frying pan instead?

Magnus: What are you so afraid of?
Simon: Where do I start!? Elevators! Snakes! Clowns! Raphael trying to burn my junk off!

Ooh boy, where do we start with Simon’s strange list of neuroses? *puts on psychiatrist hat* Firstly, there gotta be a story behind his random fear of elevators, right? Did he have a childhood trauma? Was he trapped in one of those giant metal killing chambers before? Secondly, Y U SO MAD AT DEM CLOWNS??? Thirdly, Raphael mentioned burning off other body parts too, but Simon seems so fixated on his peen for some reason. And finally, just imagine this is Simon’s worst fear in life: being trapped in an elevator with Raphael dressed like a clown, who’s holding a snake with one hand and a flamethrower with the other.

Simon explores the rest of Camille’s house by himself. You’d think someone who has a fear of snakes would stay steer of the golden serpent statue in the middle of the room, but this effing kid starts petting it like he’s at a zoo. To his surprise, he unlocked a special contraption containing a mysterious box…and he also summoned a deadly serpent that was guarding the statue! *whoops*

Poor Simon was screaming and panicking and may have possibly wetted his pants already. Maybe the serpent is friendly and not hostile… VICIOUS HISSSSS. Oh, nope, never mind. Within seconds, our poor boy is already backed into a corner and trying to scale the walls to escape. Hey Simon, look on the bright side, it could be much worse. At least Raphael isn’t in this room with some matches and a lighter!

GURL U IN DANJA! To make matters worse for Simon, this is some sort of freaky firebreathing snake, which means it can also burn his junk off. I mean, you wouldn’t think having your nuts scorched can be such a common risk in everyday life, but it’s turning into more and more of a legitimate concern for poor Simon. *lmao* From now on, he might need to start wearing inflammable underwear for his own safety.

Simon: *flashes palm at snake* Encanto! *nothing happens* WHO AM I KIDDING!? I STILL SUCK AT ENCANTOS!!!

Even though Simon desperately needed to cast this encanto spell to save his life, he still has performance anxiety and can’t get his flaccid powers to work. Okay, did Simon not activate the verification code to his supernatural abilities or something? At first, it was kinda funny, but now it’s getting sad and pathetic that Simon might be the most useless vampire ever. C’mon buddy, stop sucking so much and start kicking a little more ass!

Fortunately, Simon transformed into a woke bae and got his shit together at last. Ahem, let’s try this again. *focuses mind* After putting on his best SRSBSN face, Simon used his newly awakened powers and cast a successful encanto spell to fend off the snake! omg hooray! WHAT A BADASS BOSS. Bow down to your new powerful vampire overlord, bitches!

The most surprising part is that Simon didn’t have to declare the word “ENCANTO” out loud for the spell to work. Turns out it’s actually possible to cast a magic spell without vocalizing the name of the spell first. This is a very confounding concept to me since I’m so used to the Harry Potter kids blurting out every syllable of every magical incantation. B-b…but how will the audience know what spell you’re casting if you don’t say the name out loud!? *suffers from mortified confusion*

Congratulations to our baby vampire for casting his first encanto spell! If you had any hopes that he’ll turn into a serious badass from now on, it’s safe to say this lifechanging encounter hasn’t changed Simon and may have made him into an even bigger dork. He launches into the most laughably jubilant celebration afterwards, just jumping up and down, pumping his fists, and hollering gibberish like a hooligan. Like geez, you’d think he won the World Cup after that type of celebration, but no this is just Simon being adorkable as always. *hehe*

Magnus: *magically appears* There you are. *sees snake* And there it is, my baby!
Simon: Your baby?
Magnus: I created it for Camille ages ago. Best gift I ever gave!
Simon: Great. Well, then, maybe don’t include me on your Christmas list.
Magnus: He didn’t scare you, did he?
Simon: No, of course not! I encantoed him, no big!

Look at Simon putting on some major swagger just because he cast one successful spell after fifty failed attempts. *lol* Also, where can I sign up to be on Magnus’ Christmas list because his presents sound pretty amazing? Imagine if he was your Secret Santa and gave you a firebreathing snake as a present. BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

Camille is gonna be so pissed when she returns to an empty house because Magnus and Simon looted everything inside. *lol* Simon also took that mystery box from her snake statue, hoping its contents will lure Camille back to file a stolen goods report.

Simon: *grabs random stick* Maybe I can pry it open…
Magnus: NO! Not with this! It’s too important!
Simon: You know what’s important? The parts Raphael wants to burn off me!

Despite Magnus stating the box had powerful defensive magic that even warlocks can’t break, I love how Simon thinks he can just pry it open with a random stick. Correction: it’s a randomly important stick because this might be a plot device for Magnus’ backstory in a future episode.

Magnus: When I was a boy discovering my powers, I had no one. I had to figure out the Downworld all on my own. It was awful. So, I vowed to myself that if I ever found someone in a similar situation, I’d try to make sure they didn’t have to go at it alone.
Simon: You’re gonna be like my Downworld sponsor! Cool!
Magnus: Let’s not get carried away. I said I’ll *try*. Even though I lived more centuries than I’d like to admit, it doesn’t mean I’m *patient*.

BROTP ALERT! Fortunately, Simon’s behaviour in this episode was just the right amounts of *lol pathetic* and *lol adorable* to get on Magnus’ good side, so our warlock agrees to mentor him or at least help this poor little lamb not get himself slaughtered. And just like that, a new beautiful bromance was created right before our eyes, hooray!

After coming to the realization that she’s totally useless, Clary decides to bounce from the institute and head back home. I don’t wanna be a shadowhunter anymore, I just wanna be a normal girl! Despite multiple warnings of *it’s not safe for you out there* *you have a target on your back* *don’t put yourself in danger gurl*, Clary still decides to leave on her own because that’s how this bitch rolls. I don’t think there could be a Shadowhunters episode without Clary doing something against her best interests, so her latest hijinks are typical for her character.

btw dat awkward moment when you’re walking in the opposite direction of everybody else on the street. Hey Clary, all the normal people are heading south, you sure you don’t wanna stop and ask for directions to make sure you aren’t going the wrong way?

Clary doesn’t have anywhere to go, so this little nerd decides to take refuge inside an art academy. OMG, it was so weird watching her just waltz into a random classroom and start sketching on one of the easels like she owns the place. Um, is she allowed to do that? I know Clary is admitted into this art school, but is it really okay for her to pop by any time and draw pictures anywhere she wants? Where are the teachers and security guards!? Somebody needs to stop this brazen bitch and kick her out for intruding on private property!

In case you haven’t noticed already, Clary is having an IDENTITY CRISIS right now and this scene is part of her bigger self-discovery journey to find her inner self. Here’s a lost little teenager forced to become a shitty shadowhunter when all she wants is to be a NORMAL girl who lives a NORMAL life and goes to NORMAL art school. “Why can’t I just be normal!?” Clary asks in a normal tone of voice with a normal level of frustration about her very normal problems.

What will Clary discover about herself after doodling a few sketches at the end of this afternoon special? Will she still want to be a shadowhunter? Or will the show drop its original premise and turn into the world’s most boring tv program about a first-year college student and her foray into art school? Stay tuned for Arthunters: The Mortal Instruments, coming to Freeform later this year!

Mama Fray is panicking because her daughter has gone missing! Luke will help her track down Clary, but first he gotta clock the bitch for JOCELYING to him.

Luke: Had you come clean with her, she might’ve understood. *I* might’ve understood. Jace’s demon blood? Valentine’s experiments? I mean, how can you not tell me that!? I tell you everything!

How did somebody as trainwrecky as Jocelyn manage to end up with somebody as well-adjusted as Luke? For her, he’s a massive trade-up from Valentine. But for him, I don’t understand why he’s putting up with this lying bitch and her needy daughter and their enormous pile of baggage. Surely Luke can greet any random stranger off the street and still manage to find a better romantic companion than Jocelyn.

Even though Luke got sassy with her, Jocelyn turns on the waterworks and he goes right back to eating outta her palm again. Luke is another character who’s just a big ole softie despite his tough exterior. He seems like one of those modern men not afraid to get a lil sensy and cry over Adele, so of course Luke would forgive Jocelyn and promise to love her unconditionally. *d’aww*

Jocelyn: Clary didn’t activate her anti-tracking rune. I know where she is.
Luke: …then what do you need me for?

I love Luke’s delivery here because he was being so deadpan, as if he couldn’t believe she wasted his time over nothing. OMFG Jocelyn. If you knew where your daughter was all along, then why are we still standing around and talking about it? LET’S HURRY UP AND FIND THIS BITCH, YO.

Jocelyn: Talk to her. Convince her she’s not safe in the mundane world.
Luke: You’re her mother…
Jocelyn: Exactly. She won’t listen to me, but she’ll listen to you.

The original plan was for Luke to talk with Clary in his soothing voice and convince the runaway teen to return home. Yet, he couldn’t mumble out two words before Jocelyn immediately butted in with guns blazing and kicked off a major argument. I DEMAND YOU TO COME HOME RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY. Uh, Jocelyn, gurrrrl. You had a plan, remember? In your own words: “she won’t listen to me”. Yeah, then why don’t you stfu and let Luke do all the talking instead? *lol*

Clary: For eighteen years, you made me believe that I could live a normal life. This life. But I can’t, can’t I? No, because I’m not a mundane. I’m not a shadowhunter. I’m not anything.

ZOMG SO MUCH TEENAGE ANGST. I wish I could relate to what Clary is going through or at least feel a little more sympathy for her predicament, but I kinda don’t care. Hearing you whine about your awesome superpowers is like hearing Superman complain about having too much muscle or the Wonder Woman complain about having too much bust. I mean, we all have first-world problems, but let’s suck it up and make a productive use of our lives. For instance: if Clary just got off her lazy ass and took some actual training, then she wouldn’t be so useless as a shadowhunter. There, life crisis averted!

After throwing another bratty teenage tantrum, Clary runs away from her mom again and inadvertently runs straight into one of Valentine’s traps. *lol fail* This comes after repeated warnings from everybody who keep telling her U IN DANJA GURL!!! …and she still lets her guard down, gets tricked by Valentine, and falls into his hands anyway.

It was like watching somebody run past every single warning sign and then offer herself to the enemy on a platter. Oh my gawd. You’re completely hopeless, Clary Fray.

Team Luke/Jocelyn joins forces with Team Izzy/Alec so that they can track down the missing Team Jace/Clary. At first, Alec was super bitchy as usual, asking why he would help Mama Fray find Jace when she’s just gonna assassinate him again. *lol tru dat* Sadly, Alec is so desperate without his soul husband that he’d try anything at this point, even if it means working with Jocelyn. His Jace cravings have gotten so bad to the point that Alec feels completely numb on the inside. You know it’s bad when he can’t even *feel* Jace inside his bowels anymore.

Izzy: Look, you know he’s not hurt. Otherwise, you would have felt something, right?
Alec: I don’t feel anything, Izzy. That’s what scares me.

Quick, somebody find one of Jace’s old socks or a used pair of his underwear so that Alec can sniff his parabatai’s scent and sense him again!!!

Luke reveals he has a magic stone, which he inherited from his mother, with super duper powers that allow parabatai partners to track down each other. However, this method isn’t guaranteed to work and there’re also some strange prerequisite requirements. One of the mandated rules is that Alec must take his shirt off and display his beautiful hairy chest in order for this magic stone to work. You gotta strip naked if you wanna find Jace! No nipples, no magic!

Needless to say, I love how determined Shadowhunters is to showcase Alec’s hairy chest in as many gratuitous shirtless scenes as possible. This show knows what its best assets are, covered in a luscious blanket of fur. I’ll never complain about seeing too much of shirtless Alec and I can stare into that magnificent black forest all season long. Next episode, we’ll hopefully see Alec try to find Jace while sliding down a stripper pole.

Last episode was a nice visual treat, but this episode almost felt borderline pornographic with a naked Alec lying on the bed making various cum faces (lol am I allowed to say that?) as he fantasizes about Jace. He had the same facial expressions as a pornographic performer right before the money shot.

I don’t even think he was doing it intentionally, but some people have so much natural sex appeal that they simply can’t turn it off. Let’s just say if Alec ever wants to retire as a shadowhunter, rest assured that he has a very lucrative career in shadowporn waiting for him.

Has anyone figured out a scientific explanation for why Alec gotta be shirtless whenever he exerts his parabatai powers? I have two theories:

1.) Do his powers work like transmission waves and he’ll get better frequency reception from his hairy nipple antennas with no shirt on? *rubs nipples* I’m getting a signal! *gasps* I know where Jace is!

2.) Is it because Alec gets so hot & bothered thinking about Jace that sweat comes pouring out of his every pore and dampens any shirt he wears? Yeah, Alec probably does need a cold shower every time he finishes thinking about Jace.

Izzy asks some questions about how this magic stone works, forcing Jocelyn to admit there’s a possible side effect: *oh btw, quick disclaimer, YOU MIGHT DIE*. Understandably, Izzy throws a bitch fit and forbids her brother from risking his life, but Alec already made up his mind and proclaims IMMA RIDE OR DIE 4 JACE.

Izzy: No, Alec! I’ve already lost both parents to Idris and a brother to Valentine. I’m not gonna lose you too.
Alec: He needs me, Iz! And I can’t… I can’t live without him.

Wow, that’s hardcore. All you Malec fans better start packing up and head on home because Alec and Jace already got a set of matching tombstones with each other. How can Magnus even begin to compete with that? Yeah, we might kiss and screw, but…I can live without him.

OMFG. What…is…happening? After the magic stone activated its powers, Alec’s body just erupted in bursts of sudden movements. His chest was thrusting forward, his hips were shaking sideways, and his groin moved as if it was gyrating in the air.

When your body moves like that and you’re thinking about your beloved Jace, that is classified as an *orgasm*. Not just any orgasm, but a RAPTUROUS ORGASM. What you see here isn’t excruciating pain, but Alec was actually in excruciating pleasure as he fantasized about his wildest sexual desires on the bed!

Alec ended up having such a mindblowing sexual experience that he got a nosebleed and fell unconscious afterwards. Wow, can you imagine having so much of an orgasm that you needed to be resuscitated after you were done? GODDAMN THAT IS ONE HELL OF AN ORGASM. *lmao*

ZOMG. DOT IS STILL ALIVE. You may remember her as Jocelyn’s…erm, live-in companion? Neighbour? Servant? Employee? Distant relative? Spiritual advisor? Life coach? Friend with benefits? Sister from another mister? To this day, I’m still not clear about Dot’s relationship with Clary and Jocelyn.

Anyway, the important news is that Dot came back to life after we thought she kicked the bucket last season. Welcome back, gurl! Love the new veins on your face, very chic! Dot is now working as one of Valentine’s minions who helped him capture Clary and imprison her in his evil lair. She doesn’t seem evil, but you can tell the poor woman has been through hell and is only following her master’s orders just to suffer a little less. Even though Dot feels bad about capturing Clary, she still did it anyway because her mentality is like *my survival over yours, gurl*.

Dot: Why did you stop looking for me!?
Clary: Magnus couldn’t feel your magic anymore. We thought Valentine had killed you…
Dot: No, he just experimented on me.
Clary: You were like a big sister to me! Dot, you always had my back no matter what!

Okay, hold the phone. How many times has Clary actually mentioned her big sister Dot since her last appearance? Like…never, right? Okay, maybe a few times in passing reference, but I don’t recall any funerals or candlelit vigils or ten seconds of silence for her fallen comrade. Upon learning about her friend’s death last season, Clary was like *oh no, that really sucks for her!* before swiftly moving on with the rest of her life.

The reason why Valentine captured Clary is to use her to manipulate his other captive Jace. Up until now, Jace has taken the moral high ground going against against Valentine’s notion of a pureblood utopia, but now our evil baddie has a new bargaining chip: Oh, I know I can’t force you to kill downworlders, Jace… but what if I force your beloved sister to do it instead!?

At first, Jace didn’t even believe this was the real Clary, nearly snapping her neck because he thought Valentine was playing mind games with him again. When he put her in a headlock, all I could think about was: *oh wow, they’re standing awfully close for brother and sister* *is he nibbling against her ear omfg* *who’s gonna initiate the first kiss*.

Speaking of Valentine, this mofo continues to spew his usual racist bile, something about how shadowhunters are the master race blah blah and all downworlders deserve to die blah blah. To be honest, Valentine is wearing thin on me, not because he’s so evil, but just because he’s so repetitive. I’ve heard him describe the same couple of talking points in his evil manifesto over and over again. Yes yes, we get it, you think you’re so superior. Now lemme hear something new.

Meet Valentine’s next victim! OMG, it’s that bitchy werewolf who had been bullying Simon! Valentine captured her with the *alleged* story that she broke da rules and killed an innocent mundane, so now bitch gotta be executed in the town square for her sins! Die, bitch, die!

Gretel: No, I’ve never killed anyone, I swear! Please don’t kill me! I’ve obeyed the Accords! I’m part of Luke’s pack. We don’t hurt anyone. We’re not like that.
Valentine: She’ll say anything to go free! You let her live, son, and she will kill again!

Despite Valentine’s proven track record as a manipulative, deceptive scum of the earth villain, Jace still blindly trusts what his daddy says and threatens to kill this werewolf whose innocence couldn’t be more obvious. It should be common sense by now, but whenever Valentine tells you anything, you can guarantee 100% that the *opposite* is true.

Unfortunately, Valentine overplayed his hand by bringing in Clary as one of his puppets. The original plan is for Dot to cast a brainwashing spell on Clary and get her to say some scripted racist shit, which’ll sway Jace to the dark side. Except Dot betrayed her master and helped Clary expose dat mofo. Oh em gee, breaking news, you’ll never believe it, but Valentine is a BAD GUY!

Valentine: Ah Clarissa, what do you have to say to Jace? *WINK WINK*
Clary: lol yeah valentine is a totes evil beeeeyatch, kthxbye.

That plan backfired spectacularly in Valentine’s face, didn’t it? LMAO FAIL. He shoulda just left Clary outta this instead of acting like such a puppetmaster controlling everyone’s minds at once. Look at me, I’m controlling Dot to control Clary in order to get control over Jace! Stop it gurl, you’re doing too much.

Jace and Clary try to run away together, but they’re blockaded by an invisible forcefield that Valentine set up around his premises. Fear not! Dot is here to the rescue! She cast an open sesame spell, allowing the two shadowhunters to escape freely before Valentine and his cronies can catch up. Hooray for Dot! Thanks for saving the day! You da bomb, girlfriend!

Unfortunately, Dot had to keep the forcefield open and couldn’t run away herself, so Valentine threw that traitorous bitch back into his torture dungeon for more hellish suffering. Poor Dot, I feel so bad for her! CLARY BETTER COME BACK TO RESCUE DOT, I SWEAR TO GOD. After Dot risked everything just to save that bitch’s life again, the least Clary can do is to come back with a thank you card and a gift basket. And it better be one of those fancy baskets with expensive truffles and shit, because Dot deserves the best!

As for the fate of this werewolf bitch, lol who cares? You’d think Valentine might get along with her in an alternate life, since she seems to be just as prejudiced against other downworlders as him, but he showed her no mercy and slayed the bitch anyway. Look, I totally believe she didn’t kill that innocent mundane, but I can’t feel arsed over some random nobody dying. *shrugs*

Besides, she was such a massive aggro bitch to Simon, I can’t help but feel the world is a better place without her bullying. At the end of the day, this is what happens to basic bitches who dare to pick on my Simon. U DESERVED TO DIE BITCH.