Yup, I’m recapping Shadowhunters! Freeform’s ridiculous supernatural teen drama has captured the heart of Recap Everything and I plan to recap the entire second season!

Is it fair to say this might be THE best guilty pleasure currently on television? There aren’t many other shows with a combination of bad acting + bad writing + bad production values and still manages to win me over with its immense charm. Despite its faults and shortcomings, Shadowhunters is such a fun, likable show. It might not win any Golden Globe awards in the future, but I know I’ll get an hour of hilarity and enjoyment out of each episode, which is good enough for me!

Let’s start the Shadowhunters recap by fangirling over that awesome new intro. Literally anything would be an improvement over the Windows Movie Maker montage they used for the first season, but the new intro actually looks pretty rad! SO MANY BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE AND SO MANY INTENSE EXPRESSIONS! With all the sexy eyefucking from the cast, I’m sure Tyra Banks would be proud of their photoshoot if she was still hosting ANTM. #fierce #werkit #smize

The biggest surprise about the intro is that SIMON was the first character to appear in the opening credits. Even Clary was relegated to second billing after him. Wow, you’d think they might reserve the prime position for whatsherface because she’s the lead of the show, but thankfully Shadowhunters recognized Simon’s star power and put him where he rightfully belongs.

Sorry Clary, you might think you’re the main protagonist, but the opening credits indicate that Simon is the real star and you’re just his second fiddle sidekick. If this was a music video, Simon would be *David Guetta* and Clary would be *featuring Sia*.

Previously on Shadowhunters! …umm, I actually don’t remember what happened last season because it was a year ago and I had to look up on Wikipedia just to find out what some of the characters were called. Forgive me if I get certain details wrong, I swear I’m a genuine Shadowhunters fan! *lol*

I think what happened was that badass head honcho Valentine finally obtained DA GOBLIN CUP, which gives him the magical powerz to clone more baddies and his evil army can take over the world. He also threatened to kill our motley crew of shadowhunters, but Jace pulled a Katniss Everdeen and volunteered as tribute so that his sister (& ex-girlfriend) Clary can live. I don’t have any recollections of these storylines happening last season EXCEPT for the hilarious incestuous romance between Clary & Jace. Rest assured that I definitely remembered about the incest lol.

Luckily for our heroes, the show was already renewed for a second season, so Valentine couldn’t just eradicate everybody on the spot and call it a day. Instead, he held Jace hostage and forced him to become his protégé. There was a whole lotta crying and screaming and bad acting involved, but none of that stopped Jace and he made up his mind to leave with Valentine. I’m off to team up with the evil mastermind! Smell ya later, losers!

Currently on Shadowhunters! Valentine is celebrating his triumph over good during his victory ceremony. All of a sudden, Clary teleports outta nowhere and magically appears! Before Jace could go *wtf*, Valentine already spotted the pesky bitch and made the motion to kill her. Jace strikes first and stabs his lightsaber into Valentine’s beer belly. Shockingly, this turns out to be a FATAL BLOW because Valentine keels over and drops dead!

Jace: I…killed him?

Uh, what just happened? Did Jace successfully kill Voldemort within the first two minutes of the season premiere? It’s not even time for the first commercial break yet and Valentine is already lolded. You’d think the biggest villain in the show might put up more of a resistance and has a health bar with more than 1 HP, but one little jab and the fucker immediately croaks.

ZOMG SHOCK TWIST! Valentine is still alive! Even though we literally saw him drop dead five second ago, oh look there’s his reanimated corpse walking out and about. Okay wtf, I didn’t even get over the initial shock that mofo just died, now I have to get over the shock that he comes back to life moments later!? Valentine must be like one of those annoying video game opponents that keeps respawning in front of you no matter how many times you kill it.

It’s round two for our streetfighters as Jace and Valentine 2.0 have a rematch. Last season, these silly sword duels were soooo frigging hilarious to watch, because the props were shite and everybody fought each other with their glow-in-the-dark plastic blades. This season, Shadowhunters has an increased production budget of more than $5, so they can afford realistic looking seraph blades that don’t resemble glow sticks in a nightclub.

Their fight consisted of numerous clang clang clang clang sound effects before Jace finally stabbed Valentine in the bellybutton. And then, I think Jace might have accidentally tripped on his shoelaces or something, because he stumbled forward, pushed Valentine over the ledge, and both of them fell off a towered platform. After being stabbed to death and falling to his death, you’d think Valentine won’t be able to survive this time. But can Jace stab him a couple more times just to make sure he stays dead?

Technically, Jace won the fight and Valentine 2.0 died once more, but we literally saw the exact same thing happen thirty seconds ago and I’m not falling for this dumb ploy again.

It turns out Jace didn’t kill the real Valentine, but just some random minion wearing a Valentine disguise. One of the cool magic powers with da mortal cup is that you can use it to create and control many identical clones. So, Valentine could use the cup to raise an evil army with thousands of clones that look exactly like him. If I had my hands on the magic cup, I’d totally use it to reproduce a bunch of hot guys lol. Imagine a fantasy world filled with thousands of Harry Shum Jr clones. *sighs dreamily* It’d be my perfect utopia.

Clary and Jace are hanging out and chilling around as they wait for the third reincarnation of Valentine 3.0… until Clary suddenly undergoes a physical transformation and morphs into Valentine! zomg another plot twist! Turns out Valentine was wearing a Clary disguise all along to catch Jace off-guard! It’s too bad his cover got blown though, or else he could have carried on being fauxclary for the rest of the season. Can you imagine if Jace hooked up with his girlfriend who is actually his sister who is actually his father!? LOL EPIC.

Back at HQ! Alec is seriously losing his shit after Jace’s capture. He’s normally a pretty calm and collected character, but take his precious Jace away from him and Alec turns into some kind of raging overprotective spouse who will move earth and heaven just to get back his man.

Alec: WHY HAVEN’T YOU FOUND JACE YET!?!?
Lydia: Don’t forget who you’re talking to! I’m still the head of this institute!
Alec: AND MY BROTHER IS STILL MISSING!!!

I’m just gonna say what we’re all thinking, but Alec is searingly hot when he’s acting so aggro and alpha. I love watching him get up on Lydia’s face and going all *AIN’T NOBODY GONNA COME BETWEEN ME & MY MAN, ESPECIALLY NOT YOU BITCH*.

BTW, is anybody surprised that Lydia is still hanging around the place? I thought her character was only introduced to the show to serve as Alec’s beard, so she definitely outlived her usefulness by now. Besides, if my fiancé left me at the altar and started kissing other dudes on our wedding day, I would climb into a hole and feel too embarrassed to face him ever again.

With that said, I’m kinda happy Lydia’s character didn’t get written out of the show yet. One, call it the Chloe Sullivan effect, but I love it whenever a noncanonical character seamlessly fits into the show’s universe despite not being part of the source material. (Lydia is not quite there yet, but she has potential.) And two, Shadowhunters is a major sausagefest at times and could really use an extra dose of estrogen in the cast. You can count all the female protagonists with one hand, not to mention one of them is Clary oh my goodness. So yeah, I gladly welcome Lydia to provide us with some more diverse female representation on the show.

Alec is so worked up over Jace that he kinda forgot he’s already dating a hot piece of ass. Poor Magnus has to put up with all of the *JACE AND I ARE ETERNAL SOULMATES* *JACE IS MY PARABATAI HUSBAND* *NO MAN MEANS MORE TO ME THAN JACE* bullshit from his boyfriend. At one point, Magnus tries to comfort him by grabbing his arm, but Alec hasn’t worked out some of his own internalized homophobia yet, so his natural reflex is to recoil and fling Magnus’ hand away!

HOW DARE YOU ALEXANDER!!! I was with you when you snapped at Lydia because that outburst was funny, but there’s no excuse for turning against your precious Magnus! I get that you’re upset, but you need to calm your hairy tits and dial it down by a hundred notches. NOBODY SPURNS MAGNUS ON MY WATCH!

In the next scene, Alec apologizes to Magnus for being a bit of a dick earlier. A simple ‘sorry’ would have sufficed, but then Alec launches into this melodramatic tirade about how much he loves, loves, lurrrrrves Jace right in front of his boyfriend.

Magnus: I know what you’re going through, Alexander…
Alec: No, I don’t think you do! Jace is a part of me! Through our rune, we’re physically and emotionally connected! If he dies, a part of me dies too!

Okay, okay, we get it, you wanna fuck Jace. Put it in me so that you can become a part of me, Jace! We know the two of you are sexually connected, but you don’t have to spell it out so clearly to your boyfriend. Every time you profess your lust for Jace, a part of Magnus dies too!

Alec: I know he’s out there! He’s in trouble and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it!

Okay, unpopular opinion alert, I must admit that I was shipping Alec x Jace on the downlow last season…and I still secretly kinda want them to end up together. *lol shame* I love Magnus to bits, and would love nothing more than a 3P harem ending for everybody involved, but there’s just something about the intensity of Alec’s devotion to Jace that gives me the serious feels. No matter how much I want Malec to make gaybies together, I’m a greedy bitch and also want to see an epic Jalec romance happen at the same time. If Jace would drop that lump of Clary and go partially gay for Alec, I would ship it SO HARD jussayin’.

Alec wants to use his spidey senses to track down Jace, but Magnus refuses to help him on the basis of *i don’t want you to die babe*. Sadly, showing concern for your boyfriend’s life is not a valid excuse. Alec has a total diva meltdown and just blows the fuck up.

Magnus: I can’t help you with this. The last time you used the rune to track Jace, it almost killed you…
Alec: WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO THIS ONE THING!!! AFTER EVERYTHING I’VE DONE FOR YOU!!!

Alec stomps away like an angry neanderthal after his little tantrum, while Magnus has the funniest reaction because he was visibly in so much disbelief. You can easily translate every step of his thought process: *exsqueeze me!?* *after everything you’ve done for me!?* *oh you nasty bitch* *that is the biggest load of horseshit i’ve ever heard*

Afterwards, Magnus decides to bounce and go back home to watch some Bravo instead of staying here and taking Alec’s emotional abuse. Of course, Alec was completely outraged that anybody would dare to leave during such a CRISIS!!!! but Magnus has a few choice words to put this little shit in his place.

Magnus: You really don’t get it, do you? You didn’t risk anything for me. You did it for you.

Ooooh Magnus, clock dat ungrateful bitch! *you go gurl* I know Alec made that shitty remark in the heat of the moment, but there must be a part of him that believes Magnus owes him something just because Alec sacrificed his privileged heterosexual lifestyle for them to be together. Thankfully, Magnus was having NONE OF DAT and told Alec to KINDLY FUCK OFF. Take your emotional insecurities elsewhere because Magnus Bane ain’t having it, bitch!

Alec: WHAT!?!? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THIS RIGHT NOW!? RIGHT NOW!?!?

According to Alec, the world gotta stop spinning and everyone in it gotta bend over backwards to help him find Jace. *rolls eyes* Ugh, it pains me to criticize Alec when he looks so damn hot in a feisty mood, but he’s being so terribly douchey right now. Just because Jace has gone missing doesn’t give you the right to fucking snap at anybody like that. Overbearing asshole is not a cute look on you. AND CAN ALEC STOP YELLING PLEASE!? WE KNOW YOU’RE UPSET, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO ALL-CAPS ON US ALL THE FRIGGING TIME!!!

Magnus: You know damn well I want to find Jace just as much as you do, but that’s no excuse to treat me like-

Magnus was gonna say *shit* before Alec cut him off mid-sentence. You can totally see it in his enunciation, hehehehe. Okay, this is only funny because Freeform doesn’t broadcast profanities on their television network, but they should totes change that conservative policy and just let Magnus swear to his heart’s content. #LetMagnusSwear #LetHimSayShit

Alec: *raging* WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?
Magnus: *glares at him* At the moment? Nothing.

MY HEART IS BREAKINGGGGG. I just wanna give Magnus a hug and give Alec a slap. Nah, I wanna hug both of them because I don’t like it when my two baes fight! I’m so invested in their relationship and I need my gay love story to work out! My heart is too fragile! I can’t deal with all the drama! Unfortunately, I’m such an emotional mess right now and I think I need counselling. Do you guys think it’s weird for me to get couple counselling for a relationship that I’m not even a part of?

Remember when Lydia called herself the head of the institute? Gurl, you may want to get your business cards reprinted after today. During an emergency shadowhunter meeting, it was announced that Valentine may have stolen da world cup, Jace may have gone missing, but our first order of business is to tell Lydia to her face exactly how much she sux!

Maryse: Valentine now has the Mortal Cup, and one of our own has joined him. As a result, the Clave has declared a state of emergency at the Institute. Their first priority is to replace the current leadership, who they have deemed wholly ineffectual.

lol lydia, u just got dissed gurl. To be honest, I feel kinda bad for the chick. First she loses her fiancé to another guy, and now she loses her job in a coup d’état. Dear life, please stop shitting all over Lydia and cut this poor bitch some slack.

The new replacement leader is Victor Aldertree, who already made a terrible first impression by acting like a complete and utter tool right off the bat. Some leaders exude natural charisma and others simply ooze corrupt dirtbag. I admit, I might be a little unfairly prejudiced against Aldertree, but I just CANNOT deal with watching yet another powerful feminist icon lose a political leadership position to some snake oil salesman douchenozzle after the year 2016.

If justice can’t prevail in the real world, then at least let the Shadowhunters universe course correct itself and give Lydia her fucking job back. #ImWithHer

One of the most offensive Aldertree moments was when he enforced an awful xenophobic policy at the institute and wouldn’t allow any vampire or werewolf refugees step foot in his pureblood headquarters. He targeted Simon specifically, telling him to gtfo asap even though it’s almost daytime outside. By kicking him out at this hour, he’s essentially sending our lovable vampire to his death.

Simon: It’s almost dawn. I don’t have anywhere to go…
Victor: You’re a smart guy. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.

Translation: I don’t really care if you die, as long as you don’t die on my grounds. OMG FUCK YOU DOUCHE. WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU, VICTOR ALDERTREE!? *rolls up sleeves* Don’t hold me back, let me take a swing at ‘im!!!!

Aldertree is also responsible for interrogating the shadowhunters regarding Jace’s capture. Hilariously enough, he claims that he has to record their conversation because this is *official business*, but then we see the joker film the whole thing on his goddamn mobile phone. Okay, if your stupid interrogation is so SRSBSN then maybe you should consider using real camera equipment instead of your shitty Nokia phone. *official business my ass, hmph!*

During the interrogation, Clary couldn’t have declared Jace’s innocence more clearly if she tried. Unfortunately, Aldertree already made up his mind and decided Jace was a filthy villainous traitor, despite Clary explicitly stating *JACE SAVED OUR LIVES* *THIS IS A NEWS BULLETIN: JACE SAVED OUR LIVES* *DO I NEED TO REPEAT JACE SAVED OUR LIVES* over and over again.

Victor: You had the impression that he was saving your lives by leaving with Valentine?
Clary: It’s more than an impression, it’s what actually happened. If he tried anything, the rest of us would have been killed.

Clary then reiterated his innocence again, in multiple languages including sign language, and even stood up to do an interpretative dance, but Aldertree’s final conclusion was still: *ah. so you confirm jace didn’t even try at all. how verrrry suspicious of him. CASE CLOSED.*

At one point, Clary said something as innocuous as *jace warned us about valentine* and Aldertree somehow made herculean leaps in logic that led him to conclude *if jace warned you, that meant he knew what valentine was plotting and still didn’t stop him. wow. true colours. CASE CLOSED.* and Clary had to clarify that was not what she meant at all, but by this point Aldertree was already doodling pictures and playing tic-tac-toe on his notebook.

Contrary to the first-person testimonies telling him what happened, Aldertree insists that Jace betrayed the shadowhunters by joining forces with Valentine. After doing five minutes of investigation, he announces Jace Wyland is a diabolical supervillain who must be killed!

Clary: Aldertree said he wanted to rescue Jace!?
Victor: Actually, I said I wanted to find him. And you gave me the clue to do just that.
Alec: *glares bitchily at Clary* Ugh. What did you tell him?

lol @ Alec sassing her so hard. You’d think he might be more inclined to side with his fellow comrade over the tyrannical dictator, but Alec just refuses to support Clary even if they have the same goal and the same common enemy. How long before he starts yelling at her: IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO JACE, IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT CLARY!!!

The shadowhunters protest against Jace’s execution order, but Aldertree threatens them with deruning if anybody challenges the authority of his dictatorship. *gasps* OHNOES. Don’t take away our precious tats! Sorry Jace, your life is very precious to me, but not as precious as this ginormous tattoo of the letter Z on my neck! It was nice knowing you though, buddy!

(P.S. I’m betting the makeup artist who has to draw that stupid Z on Alec’s neck every episode must be wishing and praying so hard that his character gets deruned. You have to be so precise with that highly visible tattoo, or else OCD viewers like Recap Everything will nitpick and point out when you don’t do a consistent job. *lol*)

Alec is still hellbent on rescuing Jace regardless of the consequences. Unfortunately, his mom has already disowned Jace and no longer considers her adopted son as part of their family. Not only did this cold-blooded bitch cut all ties, but she was more than content to let him die. Bitch, you raised this kid for so many years, don’t you have any emotional attachment? Does Mama Lightwood have a heart or is there just an indiscernible void inside her robotic vessel?

Alec: If you kill him, you kill a part of me!
Maryse: When you have a cancer, you cut it out before it destroys you.

Holy shit, did she just describe Jace as a cancer? *lmao* This bitch is confirmed SAVAGE AS FUCK. If Jace is cancer, then Mama Lightwood has gotta be a malign tumour at the very least.

Thankfully, Alec clocked his mom and gave her a couple of home truths. You gotta wonder where Alec learned to be so ferociously loyal because he certainly didn’t inherit it from his mother.

Maryse: He’s not your brother. He’s not your blood.
Alec: He’s closer than blood! He’s my parabatai!

He’s not my blood, he’s my SOUL. Alec is soooo effing devoted to Jace that it’s almost a little disturbing. Is there anything he wouldn’t do for Jace? Let’s say his precious parabatai was feeling constipated, I’ve no doubt Alec would be right there cheering him on beside the toilet.

You’d think Mama Lightwood might show a little parental love towards the adopted son that she raised for years, or at least understand him well enough to know he wouldn’t betray his own kind. Instead of worrying about her son who got captured by an evil criminal, Maryse seems more concerned about the *PR DISASTER* that will tarnish her precious family name.

Maryse: We look like fools taking in Valentine’s son, caring for him like our own! It was a mistake! It put our family in danger!

Oh no, what will my book club buddies say if they find out I raised Valentine’s son! Think about the neighbours gossiping! Think about the looks I’ll get at the supermarket! Think about those bitches laughing behind my back at the hair salon! I can’t even show my face for Taco Tuesdays at Pizza Hut ever again! THIS SCANDAL WILL RUIN MY SOCIAL LIFE!

Speaking of bad moms… we should talk about Jace’s birth mother Jocelyn, who has recently awakened from her Sleeping Beauty trance. Okay okay, it isn’t fair to compare Mama Lightwood and Mama Fray as if they’re both cut from the same cloth. In my opinion, Maryse is inherently a Bad Person with a bad personality and a bad heart, whereas Jocelyn is *not* actually a bad person, she’s just bad *at* being a person.

Clary and Jace’s mom might be a nice woman with a good heart, but she’s such a frigging human disaster. I feel like I’m forgetting a lot of her ridiculous antics last season, which include hiding her daughter’s awesome superpowers for 18 years instead of using that time to prepare her for the deadly supernatural world. I just think Jocelyn is a total oddball with a consistent record of making bad life decisions. Every time she is given two choices, a blatantly good choice versus an explicitly bad choice, rest assured this bitch will definitely pick the bad one.

Jocelyn: I never meant for any of this to happen. All I ever wanted to do was to protect you.
Clary: I know, but I’m not a kid anymore. You don’t have to protect me.
Jocelyn: Yes, I do.
Clary: By telling me lies?
Jocelyn: I was scared.
Clary: Because you married a psychopath.

I thought Clary would be a little more emotional considering she spent all of last season crying over her mommy, but it turns out the only emotion she feels is SNARKY RAGE. Her tender family reunion lasted for maybe three seconds before she immediately bitched out Mama Fray. Mom, I’m so glad you came back to life BECAUSE I NEEDED TO TELL YOU ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU RUINED MINE!!!

Clary spends the rest of her time helping her mom catch up on any recent news that she may have missed, including the election results, the celebrity deaths, and what on earth happened to Ryan Lochte at the Olympics (“wait, he said WHAT on the Today Show?”) Finally, Clary drops the dramatic revelation that Jocelyn’s dead son is ALIVE!!!!! but conveniently leaves out the part where she went to second base with him before finding out they’re related. *lolawks* Are you sure you don’t wanna tell your mom the part about the incest, Clary? I thought Jocelyn might like to know if she’s going to expect grandchildren.

Aldertree is putting Clary under house arrest so that she can’t leave the institute and get captured by Valentine. Normally, these types of rules are meant to be broken, but Clary is a bit of a passive goody-two-shoes so she only knows how to stay put and whine about her situation incessantly.

Luckily, Izzy has an exit strategy! For some reason, she doesn’t just grab Clary in a dark corridor and whisper the entire plan to her outright. I mean, it would have literally taken three seconds and Clary could already be out there looking for Jace right now, but Izzy makes them go through a training exercise first before sharing the details of her plan. Izzy’s mentality: *hey clary, lemme kick your ass and humiliate you on the sparring floor first before I tell you how to look for jace!*

The training scenes were hilarious to watch because it was essentially just a montage of Izzy being awesome and kicking some ass versus Clary sucking hard and falling down like humpty dumpty. As if the bitch wasn’t humiliated enough, Izzy starts taunting her opponent with these random Sun-Tzu quotes. She was saying shit like *my boi sun-tzu said u gotta move like the wind & attack like the fire* while Clary was getting permanent bruising on her buttocks.

Izzy: Have you studied The Art of War?
Clary: It’s not on the reading list at art school.

Okay, let’s be real, just look at Clary. Her entire demeanour screams that she reads purely chick lit & YA fiction. Bitch may not have studied The Art of War, but she does know what Jane Austen has said about men, love, and relationships.

After the satisfaction of breaking Clary’s several limbs and bones, Izzy finally talks about da plan, but first she gotta be cryptic and hide her message within the ultimate Sun-Tzu quote:

Izzy: To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

How would Sun-Tzu feel if he knew his words were being twisted to help a teenage girl find her missing boyfriend on a Freeform show? Anyway, the gist of the plan is for Clary to transform herself into Aldertree and waltz out of the institute pretending to be him. You’d think Clary might’ve figured out such a simple plan without assistance, but dumb protagonist is dumb. Thank god Izzy was here to think for Clary because I highly doubt our girl could think of anything on her own.

Here was Clary knocked down on her ass, and there was Izzy just standing there telling her how to leave the institute. All of a sudden, that pesky little bitch Clary takes a CHEAP SHOT and launches a strike against Izzy while she was momentarily caught off guard. *blows whistle immediately* omfg where’s the referee!? Hitting your opponent during a time-out is just bad sportsmanship! Clary needs to be fouled and sent off the field with a red card for pulling an underhanded move like that!

During the training exercise, Aldertree was totally perving and drooling over the hawt girls. Judging from the way he was smiling and shaking his head ever-so-slightly at Izzy, I can surmise that the two of them are gonna be fucking at some point in the future. This show isn’t particularly subtle, and I’m picking up signs that indicate there’s a saucy romance between the hot authority figure and the hot rebellious minx. *ooh la la*

I dunno how I feel about the two of them together, since Victor is a douche and doesn’t seem worthy of Izzy’s greatness. Speaking of Izzy, she’s fabulous and I really like her personality, but sometimes I get the feeling that the show doesn’t know what to do with her character. The others get all the juicy storylines and she’s relegated to a supporting role most of the time. I wanna see more of her! Izzy could use a good story arc or a sexy love interest this season, so let’s hope Shadowhunters delivers on this front.

Another character who could really use a good storyline is SIMON. Not because he’s underutilized, but just because the actor playing him is so terrific that he deserves better material to work with.

When I started watching this show, Alberto Rosende was such a revelation to me and I was so taken by his natural charisma on screen. There’s something very authentic and very vulnerable about his acting even when he was saying the cheesiest lines. He reminds me of Dylan O’Brien (from Teen Wolf) in the sense that they’re both the clear standouts in their respective casts. I don’t wanna shit on the others too much, but during the first few episodes last season, I felt like I watching one good actor and four good looking models trying to act. *lol* It’s not often you find a strong actor in these teen shows who can do comedic scenes and dramatic scenes well, so Alberto Rosende needs to be appreciated because he’s a rare gem.

Poor Simon doesn’t have a place to stay after Aldertree kicked him out and forced him to scramble for his life in the sunlight. Is it just me or does it seem like Aldertree might be specifically targeting Clary’s love interests and marking them for death? Hey Clary, lemme make this love triangle easier for you by killing both Simon and Jace at once!

Luke was looking after his bro and kindly offered him a place to stay at the werewolf den, but the presiding mean girl clique was like HELL NO because they don’t want to hang out with some vampire dweeb. Simon didn’t even do anything to provoke them, but all these werewolves just came over with their pitchforks and told him *YOU CAN’T STAY HERE ROSA PARKS*. omg it’s 2017 and discrimination still thrives very much in our society, y’all.

Simon uses his newfound vampiric powers to show these werewolves who’s boss. “ENCANTO!!!!” Simon shouts authoritatively as he waves his arms at his enemies …but nothing happens. “ENCANTO!?!?” Simon yells once more and makes more spastic arm movements …but nothing happens again. “ENCANTO????” Simon mumbles for a third time, but all the werewolves are already rolling their eyes at him. Are you finished casting your fail spells yet, little boy?

Werewolf: What the hell are you doing!?
Simon: EN-CAN-TO!? It’s supposed to make you do whatever I tell you to.

lol this is so embarrassing. Every time Simon says ENCANTO, I cringe a little from second-hand embarrassment.

Unfortunately, Simon has performance anxiety and can’t get the ENCANTO power to work. It was adorable watching him fail to cast the spell, especially since he seemed to be trying so hard to make it happen. The visual of Simon flailing his arms haplessly as if he expects powerful magic to come out of his fingertips just makes me giggle, hehehe~

After getting kicked out, Simon is forced to spend the night inside a musky shipping container. He ends up sleeping on a canoe, which sounds cool in theory, but it gotta give him major back pains. I just wish there was another place for Simon to go. You’d think there are homeless shelters for vampires like Simon, but evidently the supernatural community needs a much better social welfare program.

Aww, just seeing his wittle sad face in that canoe breaks my heart. It makes me wanna hold Simon in my arms and rock my poor baby to sleep.

Next morning! Aldertree visits the werewolf den, only to be massively cursed out by Luke for even daring to show his douche face around these parts.

Aldertree: Luke! I need your help!
Luke: What, we’re on a first name basis now!? Man, get off my docks!

And then Aldertree was like *lol sry* before Clary realized that she forgot to take off her disguise. She dropped by to ask for Luke’s help in locating Jace, and he was like *lol sry* but humoured her anyway and pretended to care. Luke is too nice to tell off Clary, though deep down he’s thinking: “bitch, i don’t got no time for yo silly teenage boy problems! lost your boyfriend? go find a NEW one.”

Besides, I doubt Luke will want Jace around when he’s such an unabashed Simon x Clary shipper, as evidenced by the below exchange:

Simon: Do you think it’s true what they’re saying about Jace? He could come for Clary next. He’s totally hung up on her.
Luke: Are you worried about Jace…or maybe telling Clary how you feel?

I don’t deny the fact that Jace will be cumming for Clary, but Simon saying “he’s totally hung up on her” might be the biggest case of the pot calling the kettle black. Every Clary x Simon interaction can be summed up as Clary babbling about something mundane while Simon blushes, giggles, nods appreciatively, and agrees with whatever his goddess is saying while smelling a lock of her hair.

Luke: Be bold, Simon.
Simon: I’m bold! …adjacent.

It’s cute that Luke tells Simon to be bold, which is just a nicer way of saying that kid got no swag. The sad truth is if Simon wants to get with Clary, he doesn’t need to be bold… He needs to be Jace.

Luke is such a good wingman that he sends Clary to visit Simon at his new digs. I’m sure there’s enough room to fit two inside that canoe, heyo~

I was hoping these two horny teenagers would get their mack on, but Clary just spends most of her time complaining about how much she sux. “I dunno how to do this! I dunno how to find Jace! Wah, wah, wah!” Simon makes some kind of wise crack along the lines of “you think there’d be a handbook for the shadow world, like Shadowhunters for Dummies” which is a bit of a diss on Clary’s intelligence, but luckily she’s too much of a dummy to realize what he said about her. *lol*

All of a sudden, Mama Fray makes a surprise cameo appearance to cockblock the two of them! Oh my god, I was SO bothered when Jocelyn entered Simon’s shipping container but this careless bitch doesn’t close the door behind her. Since it was daytime outside, I was on the edge of my seat worrying and fretting whether Simon would be affected by the sun rays. He didn’t seem to notice anything wrong, but I was still panicking and shouting at the tv screen for somebody to close the damn door before my Simon gets hurt. HELP! HELP! WE HAVE A DOOR EMERGENCY!

Jocelyn: Gimme your phone and stele.
Clary: Ok!
Jocelyn: *immediately runs away and slams the door in your face lmao*
Simon: First rule of shadowhunting, don’t give anyone your phone or stele.

WTF JOCELYING STRIKES AGAIN! Jocelyn acts like she got some cool magic tricks to track down Jace, and initially I thought Mama Fray was being sincere because she had some secret powerful FindMyPhone app, but nope it turns out she was just trolling her daughter. TROLOLOLOL. omfg what kind of mother dupes their own daughter and locks her up? Her original intent is to protect Clary and stop her from finding Jace/Valentine, but surely there’s a better way to secure your child than to lock her up in a shipping container like she’s a piece of industrial cargo???

After locking up her daughter, Jocelyn just abandons her there for the rest of the day. Mama Fray is so hardcore that she doesn’t release Clary or check upon her even when it’s nighttime. For all she knows, Clary could’ve died in there from starvation or a lack of oxygen, but Jocelyn must be too busy partying with Casey Anthony to really care.

Or maybe Jocelyn’s intent is to lock Clary together with Simon so they can get more intimate with each other. I WON’T LET YOU TWO OUT UNTIL I GET GRANDCHILDREN! Simon admits he’s glad for the alone time with Clary, and they exchange fond childhood memories of them raiding the liquor cabinet in the tenth grade. Poor Simon was like *remember the time we both got crazy drunk and we still didn’t hook up with each other* and an oblivious Clary was just like *I only remember the killer hangover lolz*.

Simon: It’s ridiculous how crazy our lives have gotten in the last few weeks. You kill demons now. I drink blood now. And it used to be that the biggest problem we had was that I was secretly and totally…

Unfortunately, Simon is cockblocked by the door going OPEN SESAME all of a sudden. He couldn’t finish the rest of his love confession because Clary already bolted outta there. Sorry Simon, imma let you finish, but I gotta go find Jace and confess my love to him! Even though Simon didn’t complete his words, you’d think Clary might be able to fill in the blanks and figure out he’s totally in love with her. The fact Clary didn’t react at all just goes to show she’s either playing dumb or she doesn’t listen to a single word Simon says during their conversations together. CLARY, I LOVE YOU! …erm, are you even listening to me?

Now that Clary is free, she gotta find her momma and ask the bitch what’s wrong with her. This turns into a hilariously elaborate game of family tag, which has Clary & Simon running after Clary’s mother who is currently running after Clary’s brother.

Simon: *looks at phone* Your mom’s close.
Clary: Then run faster!
Simon: I’m a vampire. I’m running slow for you.

LOL. This is like Clary telling Usain Bolt that he gotta run faster in the Olympics. Maybe Simon should run on ahead and hail a cab for Clary so that slowpoke can catch up.

Now comes the best part of the episode where everybody takes their clothes off! The show knows what its audience wants, which is a shirtless Magnus flexing his biceps and thrusting his pecs. Do you guys think he looks sweaty enough or should I volunteer to oil him up some more?

DAYUM. DAT BODY. It should be pretty self-explanatory without me pointing out how fine he looks, but I feel the need to reiterate how smoking hot he is because it can’t be said enough. I love every part of his body, head and shoulders, knees and toes. I dare you to look at this adonis and then honestly tell me you don’t wanna LICK him all over. *gurl i know u do*

This season, Shadowhunters is completely relishing in the fanservice and has instructed all the male cast members to get their tits out. You gotta appreciate a show that’s constantly stripping and disrobing all these hot guys without any context or explanation about their state of undress. Yeah, these scenes might be gratuitous as hell, but who are we to deny Harry Shum Jr. from showcasing his washboard abs on our television screens?

Okay, lemme make this Shadowhunters recap as easy to understand as possible. Best part of the episode is Magnus taking off his clothes. Worst part of the episode is Magnus putting on his clothes. As soon as he got dressed again, I snapped out of my blissful daze and was like *damn i got to concentrate on the plot now*.

A shirtless Magnus was practicing magical tai chi while controlling some sort of freaky energy orb with his hands. Just then, Alec shows up at his apartment after realizing what a jerk he has been and he’s finally ready to apologize to his boyfriend. Honey, here are some flowers and chocolates, please accept my apology!

Alec: I’m not good at apologies, but I’m…I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. You were right. When I called off my wedding, that was for me.

Good. You better be sorry, ya punk. I’m glad that he acknowledged his *runaway bride* moment was more about Alec figuring his shit out and it had nothing to do with him making sacrifices for Magnus. Honey, you were the train conductor to that whole wedding debacle trainwreck and Magnus was just one of the passengers along for the ride.

Alec: But this is all just… It’s very new.
Magnus: This may surprise you, but you’re new for me too.
Alec: Look, with Jace missing, it’s just like the ground has shifted and I can’t keep my bal-
Magnus: *storms off*

I love Magnus strutting away as soon as Alec starts his spiel about Jace. DON’T WANNA HEAR IT, BITCH. Yeah, we all know how much Jace rocks your world, but maybe downplay your feelings a little in front of the missus. Anyway, Alec grabs onto Magnus’ arm to stop him from leaving, and Magnus was fangirling inside because he might be mad at his bf but part of him is also like *omg he touched me*. Then, Alec uses this opportunity to hold hands with Magnus and now it’s my turn to fangirl inside because *omg swoon*. Alec may have behaved like an asshole this episode, but…but MY MALEC FEELS.

Alec: I didn’t mean to take it out on you. I’m sorry.
Magnus: You’re forgiven. Also, you’re great at apologies.

ALL IS FORGIVEN, MY DEAR! Now kiss and make up! Alec only had to flash those puppy dog eyes and a dainty little smile, and I would forgive him even if he committed murder. My favourite Malec moment wasn’t even that sweet and sincere apology, but rather that very special moment when Magnus fixed Alec’s collar as they lock eyes with each other. Oh my gosh, sorry if I sound like something that crawled out of Tumblr, but that gesture was PRECIOUS as hell. It was worth the heartbreak of seeing Malec argue earlier if only to see them all loved up like this afterwards.

Magnus: Here’s the thing, we’re always going to face challenges. So, when things get crazy, don’t push me away.

Awww. Magnus’ inner beauty radiates just as much as his exterior beauty. In my opinion, Magnus is BOYFRIEND GOALS and Malec is RELATIONSHIP GOALS, but I’m obviously super biased because there’s nothing Recap Everything stans for more than a gay love story with two hot guys. Honestly, I feel like Shadowhunters hit the jackpot with these two actors & characters. Alec is a perfect ten and Magnus is also a perfect ten, so it’s only natural they have perfect ten chemistry in their perfect ten relationship.

OH MY GOD. This scene. I…I’m at a loss for words. Please excuse my brevity, I’m typing this recap with my feet right now because my hands are currently very preoccupied.

I believe heaven exists on this earth and it is located deep within the magnificent nest of Alec’s hairy chest. Every shirtless scene of his feels like a divine treat, as if I did good in my previous life and God decided to reward me with this bountiful view. His body is a scenic landscape with the broad shoulders and the bulging biceps and the sculpted torso and the furry treasure trail. Best of all, his chest hair looks so lush and majestic, like a beautiful tropical rainforest that needs to be cautiously preserved. Alec’s chest should be classified as one of the world’s natural wonders as far as I’m concerned.

No offence to the others, but Alec got the best set of tits on the show. Matthew Daddario is such a babe and his chest hair is definitely the most mesmerizing part about him. If anybody dares to take a razor and shaves off that natural vegetation growing on his chest, it shall be considered the highest order of ecological terrorism and they’ll have a very angry Recap Everything to contend with.

Apparently, there’s a context to these shirtless scenes… I think Alec was trying to sense Jace’s whereabouts through their parabatai bond, while Magnus used his magic voodoo to alleviate his pain. In case you’re wondering, this scene looks just as ridiculous as it sounds, with a shirtless Alec lying on the sofa while Magnus hovers over him casting his cosmic power fields. lolwtf.

Is it just me or does this scene remind anybody of Titanic? I got a total DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS vibe after seeing Alec sprawled out on the sofa like a classy whore.

holylol @ the topless bonanza. In an attempt to break a world record of having the most shirtless scenes during a season premiere, Shadowhunters also stripped Jace down and tied him up in Valentine’s torture chamber. No wonder Alec wanted to find his parabatai husband so badly, it’s because he don’t wanna miss out on these sexy S&M festivities!

Valentine: Get dressed.

Like all the other shirtless scenes, we’re provided with no reason why Jace had to strip down just to be tortured. Unfortunately, it’s difficult for Recap Everything to objectify him in a sexual manner when poor Jace was beaten with blood and possibly some guts spilling outta his mouth. He reminded me of a meat rack in a butcher shop. Like wtf, I thought these shirtless scenes were supposed to be sexy and not gross!? I DEMAND A REDO.

In the next scene, Valentine was cooking spaghetti and showing Jace some secret family recipes around the kitchen. La dee la, let’s add some tomatoes here… Meanwhile, Jace doesn’t miss the first opportunity to grab a knife and aim it at Valentine’s throat! DIE MOFO DIE!!!

He missed unfortunately, but you gotta give him some points for trying. I just love how Jace has no qualms about killing his own father any time or anywhere, as evidenced by his dozens of failed murder attempts this episode. Even though we’ve established that Valentine is seemingly immortal, it hasn’t deterred Jace from trying again and again. Just imagine the hours of deleted footage on the cutting room floor with Jace throwing knives and pots and saucers and plates and even some of the spaghetti at Valentine. DIE MOFO DIE!!!

Jace: You made me an orphan! I spent my entire life mourning a father I thought died in front of my eyes!
Valentine: Well, it made you stronger, didn’t it?
Jace: No! The Lightwoods made me stronger. They took me in. They trained me. If anyone’s my parents, they are!

Oh dear, I guess nobody informed Jace that Mama Lightwood disowned her adopted son and cut all ties with him. It gotta suck for Jace to speak so highly of the Lightwoods when Maryse literally compared him to a piece of CANCER. Ouch. Valentine might be an evil son of a bitch, but at least he wants Jace as part of his family. Can’t say the same about Maryse Lightwood, who has already photoshopped Jace’s face out of all their family photo albums.

Valentine reveals that he treated his pregnant wife like a science lab and injected all kinds of sick drugs on Baby Jace to create the perfect pureblood child!

Jace: You experimented on me!? Why!?
Valentine: To create the perfect weapon… The ideal marriage of good and evil… A shadowhunter with pure demon blood. I made you stronger. Faster. More lethal than any Shadowhunter.

I dunno why Jace is so upset and outraged. You’d think he might be a little more appreciative that Valentine made him harder, better, faster, stronger. Besides, who’d want to be a smelly shadowhunter when you can become an awesome kickass demon prince instead? Total upgrade in my opinion.

Jace: What kind of father experiments on their own son!?
Valentine: A father with perspective!
Jace: If that blood is so evil, why did you put it in me!?
Valentine: To fight fire with fire.

lmao @ Valentine being so unapologetic about drugging his kid and even calling himself “a father with perspective”. You should be thanking me for making you so badass, you ungrateful son! Despite his father’s best intentions, Jace continues to pout and mope and complain incessantly about his situation. Ugh, over it. You’d think that since Valentine did genetic testing on his son, he’d be able to find a way and breed out the *whiny punk ass bitch* gene out of Jace, but evidently that experiment was not a successful one.

There was an awesome moment when Jace contemplated jumping off the ship to escape, but Valentine was like *I WOULDN’T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU LOL* and demonstrated by pushing one of his minions into invisible electric forcefield surrounding his ship. Let’s just say that poor fucker was fried like one of the crisps that they’d serve at KFC. Don’t jump, Jace! Clary can’t kiss you if you got no face!

Valentine: No matter how hard you fight it, demon blood will make you kill. It starts in a small way. Urges. See, that’s why you want Clary. And that is why you always will.

OMGLOL. Valentine was being so gross telling Jace that he has URGES and that’s why he’ll ALWAYS want to bone his sister. Okay Valentine, I know you’re a hardcore Jace x Clary shipper, but incest is still incest and we gotta fight those urges no matter how much Jace wants Clary!

Since Jace has *tainted demon blood* inside of him, Valentine wants to convince his protégé to embrace his inner baddie and give in to his killing impulses. To demonstrate his potential, Valentine introduces him to Maria and her coven of bloodthirsty vampires who feed on the flesh and blood of mundanes. Let’s ask Maria what she thinks about draining the lives out of all these innocent people who can’t defend themselves.

Maria: A girl’s gotta eat.

Some of you may condemn Maria for her carnivorism, but I love her positive attitude to food and I gotta support her cause. HASHTAG TEAM MARIA.

Jace throws a hissy fit because he thinks it’s soooo morally wrong to feast on human beings like an open buffet. However, he’s not allowed to kill her because Maria suddenly pledges allegiance to DA CLAVE, which gives her instant immunity and protection from the death penalty. Apparently, these baddies can slaughter thousands of innocent people, but they’ll get an instant hall pass as soon as they surrender and promise not to kill anymore.

Jace: You killed innocent mundanes! And now, you’re gonna die just like your friends!
Maria: You can’t kill me, I surrender to the authority of the Clave! *taunts* I know my rights. I might have broken the accords, but I know you won’t!

Um okay, that’s like a really stupid rule. Whodafuq invented these laws and left such an easily exploited legal loophole?

AND THEN JACE DECIDES TO KILL HER ANYWAY LOLWHOOPS. I think it might be considered self-defence because she technically attacked him first, but tsk tsk the moral police is not impressed! Meanwhile, Valentine is in the background smirking and looking all smug because he manipulated Jace into killing one measly vampire. zomg your killing impulses are outta control and you’re now a full-fledged psycho villain just like me!

All of a sudden, Mama Fray shows up outta nowhere and she attacks Jace with her crossbow! OMFG BITCH, THAT’S YOUR SON! Her first arrow was aimed straight towards Jace, but Valentine makes an uncharacteristically heroic sacrifice and takes the shot to protect his son. At this point, you can argue that maybe Jocelyn has bad accuracy and she didn’t really mean to kill her child, but this Robin Hood wannabe already starts to reload a second arrow because she’s on an unstoppable warpath! GET READY TO DIE, JACE!!!

Clary arrives just in time to see her mother in the middle of killing her brother. Okay, this is turning into the most fucked up family reunion ever. WTF JOCELYN!? What are you doing, woman!? I thought you were supposed to be one of the good guys!? Somebody call child services and report this crazy bitch!

Poor Jace! Our lost little orphan boy just wants to be part of a loving family, but it seems like there’s some unspoken competition for everybody to outdo each other as the worst parent ever. His adopted mom Maryse has already disowned him. His birth mother Jocelyn is desperately trying to kill him. His daddy Valentine wants to convert him into an evil serial killer. And the saddest part is that he might still be the best parent out of the three. *lolwtf*