Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 5

As horrified as I am about a high school teacher marrying his student (like seriously, WHAT THE FUCK), I can’t say I’m surprised we’ve reached this point. Ezria’s relationship is like a deadly meteorite that scientists have foreseen hitting the earth seven years ago, yet nothing could stop its path of destruction despite many attempts to deter its course. There’s no use denying the inevitable outcome anymore with doomsday fast approaching us. Ezra and Aria will marry each other before the series finale and then we’ll all be dead. THE END.

The only interesting part about the scene is when Aria tried to seduce Ezra by winking and wiggling her finger in a cutesy manner. Except she didn’t execute her wink properly, making it look like she had a weird eye twitch instead. *lol so sexay*

To be fair, Ezra is in no position to criticize Aria when he barely gets any work done himself. What is taking him so long to churn out a shitty novel? Dude, maybe you should spend less time running “errands” and more time on this mythical book that feels like you’ve been writing since forever. This novel is in progress for so long that if we can go back in time, we’ll see a group of holy men writing the first bible and then we’ll see Ezra next to them still working on his little fanfiction.

Aria: *answers call* Hello? Nicole, is that you? Hello? *hangs up*

The call lasted precisely 15 seconds before Aria realized Nicole is still alive and hangs up the phone in a desperate panic. Like geez, Ezra’s undead girlfriend who has been missing for three years gets the same treatment as an unsolicited telemarketing call. Oh, hello? I’m busy right now. Goodbye!

You might think this story has a tragic ending, but this is actually the *ideal* scenario for Aria. Hey, who gave that Nicole bitch phone privileges!? She’s supposed to be a hostage! Do your job, kidnappers! Lock her up and never let her call again!

Aria: There is no explanation I can think of for a ghost with an international calling plan!
Emily: Nicole is dead. They had a funeral for her. The case is officially closed.

As implausible as it may seem, let’s pretend Nicole is dead and she’s calling as a ghost. What reason does she have to phone Ezra other than offer him an invitation to join her in hell? Hello Ezra, this is your dead gf calling! Hurry up and die plz so we can be reunited at last!

Imagine Nicole’s parents getting the shock of their lives, not because their daughter is alive, but that they received a phone bill charging them hundreds of dollars from a random overseas call. Hey Nicole, would you mind telling us you’re undead in an e-mail instead, because your long-distance calls cost us a fortune!

Not that Aria gives a fuck whether Nicole is still alive or on the verge of death, because she has already deleted the call history, erased the number, turned on the airplane mode, and dismantled the phone battery altogether. Aria ain’t taking any chances and risk this homewrecking ho coming back to steal her man. As far as she’s concerned, this phone call never happened. Not only is Aria deleting the call, but she shall delete Nicole’s entire being from existence. Delete dat bitch!

The only interesting part about their proposal is learning Aria’s middle name: Aria Marie Montgomery! Too bad such a beautiful lyrical name is soon gonna be tarnished and replaced by Aria-Marie-FITZ, which sounds like one of those names you give to your daughter if you want her to marry a pedophile in the future. Oh wait. 🙊

Was I the only one who thought Ezria’s engagement scene had a visual resemblance to hell? It gave me chills to see Aria in a dark room, surrounded by hellish flames, as the human manifestation of Satan kneeled before her. I always thought Aria might end up in hell one day for all her teacher fucking sins, but it looks like she’s already there.

Now that Emily and Sabrina are an official couple, the two of them go through the motions with their first date, their first sleepover, and their first kiss. I know I just glossed over three major highlights in their relationship, but only because the show didn’t pay any attention to those moments. For comparison, power couples like Ezria, Haleb or Spoby got an entire episode dedicated to their first dates accompanied by fireworks and the string quartet, whereas Emily and Sabrina barely had five seconds to demonstrate their affections for each other on-screen.

Dat awkward moment when you just had your first kiss, but your girlfriend immediately leaves in a hurry and runs for the emergency exit. Like geez, was Sabrina THAT bad of a kisser? Did she scare Emily away with her bad morning breath? How utterly humiliating for Sabrina, who was not only left forever alone, but she also had to tidy the place and lock up afterwards like the housekeeper.

Poor Emily is now gonna fail college because she didn’t remember to take the final exam. If there’s any consolation, I don’t think it made a difference even if she showed up on time and took the test anyway. Considering how she didn’t do any studying at all, Emily would’ve handed in an empty answer sheet and gotten a big fat zero either way.

Can you believe this bitch is gonna flunk out of college again? Except this time, she can’t even use her dead father as an excuse anymore. How many times must Emily fail at school before she finally realizes she isn’t the academic type? Girl, you gotta stop fronting and just accept your true calling as a bartender for life!

At this point, Emily might have to work as a bartender for the rest of her life simply because she’s incapable of doing anything else. What employer would want to hire a two-time college dropout with no education, no credentials, and no career skills aside from her ability to mix a mean margarita? Twenty years from now, Aria will be a bestselling author, Hanna will be a successful fashion entrepreneur, Spencer will be a beloved politician, and Emily will still be dispensing beverages to alcoholics behind a bar counter.

1.) If you may recall, Mama Montgomery pulled a similar stunt back in Season 3 and cheated on a test for our pretty little flunkie. Either Ella is A (A.D. stands for Aria’s Divorced Mom) or the PLL writers ran out of ideas that they had to recycle filler storylines from prior seasons. 😒

2.) Why was A so stingy with Emily’s grade? If you’re gonna cheat, why not go all the way and just give her a perfect mark? Hey A, I’m grateful for the 92… but I’d be a lot more grateful if you gave me a 100 instead! 😁

Originally, A hacked into the system and intended to sabotage Emily’s grades, only to realize there’s nothing to do when the dumb bitch already had zeroes across the board. Those grades are so pitiful that even A took sympathy and helped her pass the course. “Emily, please get better grades from now on so that I can sabotage you properly. – A.D.”

Sabrina: I was just wondering how your test went.
Emily: Uhhhhhh….it was good? Great?
Sabrina: Ummmmmm……. Okay. I’m gonna go now.

Holy awkfest. Is chatting with your girlfriend supposed to be this strained and stilted? The romantic chemistry between them felt so dead that I was afraid Sabrina would pull out a deck of conversation starter cards and start talking to Emily about the weather.

Sabrina felt so shitty that she suggested breaking up to spare herself any further humiliation. Strangely enough, Emily insists she’s still interested and asks Sabrina on a second date where they can have more awkward, platonic discomfort with each other off-screen. If this was The Bachelorette, Sabrina is like that candidate who gets no screentime yet inexplicably survives elimination each week just to fill the numbers. Emily is clearly stringing her along until she finds somebody better, but let’s keep dating and having casual sex anyway because why not?

Emily: Do you think $20 was enough to keep the manager quiet?
Aria: I slipped him a number too. Well, a number to Imperial Garden. I hope he likes moo-shu.

I imagine Aria must be quite infamous at Imperial Garden, where she’s banned for life after sending so many unsolicited phone calls to their restaurant. Excuse me, we’re trying to run a legitimate business! Please stop giving our number to a bunch of perverted men you’ve rejected!

Understandably, Aria had a total meltdown when she saw a goddamn head roll out of the bed. When Emily tried to investigate, you should’ve heard Aria shrieking WTF!? NO!!! PUT DAT HEAD DOWN, U PSYCHO! and she only calmed down after being reassured that it’s actually a fake prosthetic head. SPOILER ALERT: If Aria was already so scared by a *fake* decapitated head, she may want to watch the 7A finale with parental guidance because lol gurl you’re in for a treat!

Aria: Are you putting your hands in there!?
Emily: You’re the one sitting on the bed…

Tell me what’s considered more unsanitary: Emily sticking her hand into a dirty sink with unwashed dishes, or Aria sticking her butt into a bed with stains and pheromones that can’t be washed off. Hey Aria, you’re an engaged woman now! It’s time to show some self-restraint and stop jumping into random strangers’ beds!

I’d like to know what Mr. Dunhill and Mrs. Dunhill were thinking when they named their son. Were they doing a joke? No wonder Archie had to steal Elliott Rollins’ identity to pull off his heist on Alison. Imagine trying to go undercover with a name like “Archer Dunhill”. You’ll get busted as soon as you introduce yourself because no one is gonna believe that’s your real name.

Is it just me or are these names getting more and more out there? Let’s just say if I saw “Archer Dunhill” and “Addison Derringer” on a name roster, I wouldn’t be 100% certain these are the names of actual earthlings. If Pretty Little Liars keeps coming up with these weird names, don’t be surprised that my future PLL recaps will contain a character named Apple Dragonfruit chatting with another character named Anchovy Deluxe.

2.) They also found his finances. Apparently, Archer made payments to Mary and Jenna every month. For Mary, it’s an employee’s salary since she does freelance evil work for him. For Jenna, it’s protection money like a mafia boss getting a share of the profits from her cronies.

3.) They also found his Shakespeare! I know some of you will insist there’s a deeper meaning behind the highlighted passages. Overanalyzing clues has only worked out once or twice in the past seven seasons, not that it ever stopped obsessive PLL fans from doing it anyway.

Toby: You wanna tell me why you’re here?
Emily: Errrr, Alison found a slip of paper with this address on it in her house…
Toby: Do you have that slip of paper?
Aria: Errrr, we left it with her…

Oh, we broke into Archer’s apartment based on an imaginary slip of paper that was magically gone with the wind! Shockingly, Toby just heard the least compelling lie in the world and still didn’t interrogate them. Uh-huh, there was a slip of paper, no further questions necessary!

I’ve never witnessed an interrogation where the criminals ask all the questions and the police officer is the one giving them the answers. Officer Cavanaugh, what the hell are you doing!? Why are you telling them any of this!? It puzzles me why Toby would go blabbing away every detail of the investigation to his two civilian friends. Did they not teach confidentiality at the police academy? Shut the fuck up, you’re sabotaging your own case!

Spencer: Can we please not talk about Caleb?

My thoughts exactly, girl. I watch this show for the pretty little liars, whereas Caleb is just some extra guy completely unnecessary to the grand scheme of things. I’d be perfectly fine if he falls into a pothole and we never see him again for the rest of the series.

LOL AWKWARD. Hanna looked so uncomfortable afterwards, because she didn’t know how to respond politely when your friend accuses you of being a two-timing ho. As harsh as Spencer’s words may sound, Hanna really needed to hear some home truths about herself. Let’s start by figuring out why she’s still wearing a ring at all. Gurl, I know you got a good bargain with that flea market engagement ring, but what’s your endgame here? Was Hanna planning to hire a lookalike actor for her wedding and photoshop her honeymoon pictures too?

Besides, I didn’t think Hanna would have to do any *actual* work to get the million dollars. I always assumed Lucas was simply paying Hanna in exchange for her spending time with him. I thought they only referred to their arrangement as a ‘business’ because ‘prostitution’ doesn’t sound as pleasant. Can I look over this so-called business plan? Are we sure it isn’t just some Amazon wishlist containing the presents (‘business assets’) that Hanna wants Lucas to buy with his money?

Spencer: Help me, Toby-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!

Hehe, Spencer is so precious. 😊 I’m kinda rooting for her to get back together with Toby, not because I’m a Spoby fan, but because I’m a Spencer Hastings fan and just want her character to feel happy again. Since we’re making Star Wars references, Spencer is obviously Princess Leia, Toby is her Han Solo, and Caleb is like…Jar Jar Binks.

Marco is confused by her behaviour, but he’s a good sport and plays along anyway. At least he is properly introduced to Spencer this time around. Detective Furey got very familiar with Spencer’s backside last episode, and now he gets to meet her front side too!

Aria: *on the phone* Emily, hey, I thought you might want to stop by Ali’s on your way to Hollis. They’re releasing her this morning. And I look kinda conspicuous standing here alone.

Hilariously enough, even Aria remembered that Emily was supposed to go to school this morning for her exam. Just imagine how bad of a student you gotta be when an outsider is more responsible about your studies than you are. *lol*

At least Aria made an effort to cook some food for Alison, unlike the rest of her family. It’s kinda harsh that Papa DiLaurentis and Jason didn’t even send a card or a fruit basket or a flower wreath (wait, do they only do that for funerals?) upon their loved one’s release. At least have the decency to e-mail Alison an online screenshot of a casserole if you don’t actually want to cook one.

Personally, I wouldn’t mind having Mary Drake as a roommate because this bitch and her ridiculous antics always bring the lulz. Just look at her, only Mary is able to turn *closing a door* into a piece of performance art. There were more theatrics to Mary shutting a door than a Broadway play.

Alison’s first order of business is confronting her aunt for being such an evil bitch. Mary spent every second backpedalling and denying any involvement in Alison’s torture. The bullshit out of Mary’s mouth was so ridiculously phony that it almost made me laugh. Whaaaa? I simply had NO IDEA what my partner in crime was plotting all along! He manipulated me! If anything, I was just as much of a victim as you are, Alison! Let’s start a support group together!

I WANT JUSTICE 4 CHARLOTTE!!! And by that, I mean I want her bank account, her life savings, her pension, her stock portfolio, her hedge funds, her mutual funds, her coupons, her spare change, and her Monopoly money too. Unlike the other characters, Mary doesn’t care about avenging Charlotte’s death or finding the identity of her killer. You can kill whoever you want and torture whoever you like, as long as there’s a hefty cheque deposited to my bank account!