Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 5

Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 5
Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 5
Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 5
Are you ready to express your moral outrage against Ezria’s engagement? Let’s take our protests to the streets! This PLL recap also features: Alison is scammed out of her millionaire fortune, Emily flunks out of college yet again, and Jenna recruits a new lapdog!
Pretty Little Liars Recaps » Season 7 Episode 5 » Along Comes Mary
  • This is the episode where Ezra proposes to Aria.
  • Needless to say, I AM DISGUSTED.
  • Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 5 Review

    FAIL!

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    PLL Recap: Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 5

    This episode originally aired on July 19, 2016. The episode recap has 19 comments from the best readers ever.
    We cannot endorse Ezria's disgusting proposal no matter how devastatingly inevitable it might be.
    I’m giving this Pretty Little Liars episode a GIANT F as the review score. For the record, the letter grade isn’t a reflection of the quality per se, but any episode that features Ezria’s proposal needs to get an automatic F based on principle. We must take an ethical stand and not provide positive reinforcements for this exploitative lolita love affair.

    As horrified as I am about a high school teacher marrying his student (like seriously, WHAT THE FUCK), I can’t say I’m surprised we’ve reached this point. Ezria’s relationship is like a deadly meteorite that scientists have foreseen hitting the earth seven years ago, yet nothing could stop its path of destruction despite many attempts to deter its course. There’s no use denying the inevitable outcome anymore with doomsday fast approaching us. Ezra and Aria will marry each other before the series finale and then we’ll all be dead. THE END.

    Here comes the EZRIA ENGAGEMENT that nobody was waiting for.

    Aria pretends she was working on the Ezria book all along when she was slacking off this whole time.
    I guess we should start the PLL recap by discussing the high point of Ezria’s relationship, which occurs whenever the two of them aren’t in the same scene together. Ezra is gone wherever, while Aria is blissfully slacking off and reading the newspaper instead of working on her novel. As soon as she hears a rumble from the apartment door, this bitch immediately turns towards her tablet computer, pressing her fingers on random keys as if she was working hard all along. LOL DIS BITCH. Oh drop the act, Aria. We all know you haven’t written a single new word in your book since last season. 😐
    Aria fails when she tries to wink seductively at Ezra.
    Ezra came back, Aria greeted him, and the two of them have a boring conversation chatting about nothing. Okay, I think they were talking about Nicole, which is essentially the same thing as nothing. Apparently, Ezra went to visit Nicole’s parents, and then he patted himself on the back for being so honest with his girlfriend just because he told her about this *scandalous secret*. Yes Ezra, honesty is definitely one of the virtues you’re most known for.

    The only interesting part about the scene is when Aria tried to seduce Ezra by winking and wiggling her finger in a cutesy manner. Except she didn’t execute her wink properly, making it look like she had a weird eye twitch instead. *lol so sexay*

    Ezra leaves a note for Aria subtly reminding her to get some work done on their book.
    Aria’s work ethic has gotten so bad that even her boyfriend can’t ignore it anymore. Ezra is scared to tell her in-person, but he leaves messages around the apartment subtly reminding her to get some work done. Hey honey, here’s a pot of coffee I brewed for you, along with a friendly note which has me hoping, wishing, praying that you’d finally write more than one sentence.

    To be fair, Ezra is in no position to criticize Aria when he barely gets any work done himself. What is taking him so long to churn out a shitty novel? Dude, maybe you should spend less time running “errands” and more time on this mythical book that feels like you’ve been writing since forever. This novel is in progress for so long that if we can go back in time, we’ll see a group of holy men writing the first bible and then we’ll see Ezra next to them still working on his little fanfiction.

    Nicole calls Ezra's phone, but Aria immediately hangs up on her after fifteen seconds.
    All of a sudden, Ezra’s phone rings! Since Aria is a nosy bitch who likes to paw through her bf’s belongings, she answers the call only to discover NICOLE is on the other end! OMG! We hear a lot of ambient noise and there’s a Latin song in the background, but before Nicole has a chance to cry out for help, Aria immediately hangs up on her. Sorry bitch, you got the wrong number!

    Aria: *answers call* Hello? Nicole, is that you? Hello? *hangs up*

    The call lasted precisely 15 seconds before Aria realized Nicole is still alive and hangs up the phone in a desperate panic. Like geez, Ezra’s undead girlfriend who has been missing for three years gets the same treatment as an unsolicited telemarketing call. Oh, hello? I’m busy right now. Goodbye!

    Poor Nicole. Imagine you finally waiting for years to phone home for help, only for your lifeline to immediately hang up on you.
    Let’s imagine you’re Nicole for a moment. Imagine if you were imprisoned for years, tortured daily, living off scraps, and suffering in agony every waking moment. Imagine you waiting for a hopelessly small window of opportunity just to break free and phone a loved one for help. Imagine the call connecting, and you feel so overwhelmed with emotions that you can’t speak for a moment, and then you realize your lifeline has already hung up on you. The kidnapper returns, snatches the phone, breaks both your arms and legs, and now you’ll never be able to escape!

    You might think this story has a tragic ending, but this is actually the *ideal* scenario for Aria. Hey, who gave that Nicole bitch phone privileges!? She’s supposed to be a hostage! Do your job, kidnappers! Lock her up and never let her call again!

    Nicole is a ghost calling Ezra offering her invitation for him to join her in hell.
    The official excuse Aria will be using is that *NICOLE DIED* and she couldn’t possibly be calling from the afterlife. Okay sis, if that’s the story you wanna tell yourself to feel better about turning down a kidnapped victim’s call for help. If Nicole was indeed still alive, her chances at survival just diminished with no thanks to you. 😒

    Aria: There is no explanation I can think of for a ghost with an international calling plan!
    Emily: Nicole is dead. They had a funeral for her. The case is officially closed.

    As implausible as it may seem, let’s pretend Nicole is dead and she’s calling as a ghost. What reason does she have to phone Ezra other than offer him an invitation to join her in hell? Hello Ezra, this is your dead gf calling! Hurry up and die plz so we can be reunited at last!

    Who has been paying Nicole's phone bill all these years? Why is her phone number still working?
    This supernatural phone call from beyond the grave is inexplicable for many reasons. If Nicole had her phone all along, why did she wait until now before calling anybody? Also, why is her phone number still working and who has been paying the bill all these years?

    Imagine Nicole’s parents getting the shock of their lives, not because their daughter is alive, but that they received a phone bill charging them hundreds of dollars from a random overseas call. Hey Nicole, would you mind telling us you’re undead in an e-mail instead, because your long-distance calls cost us a fortune!

    Aria is gonna delete Nicole's call and her entire character from existence.!
    Emily: You obviously can’t tell Ezra about it. What good will it do?
    Aria: I’ll delete the call.
    Emily: I think it’s for the best.

    Not that Aria gives a fuck whether Nicole is still alive or on the verge of death, because she has already deleted the call history, erased the number, turned on the airplane mode, and dismantled the phone battery altogether. Aria ain’t taking any chances and risk this homewrecking ho coming back to steal her man. As far as she’s concerned, this phone call never happened. Not only is Aria deleting the call, but she shall delete Nicole’s entire being from existence. Delete dat bitch!

    Ezra asks Aria to marry him and I AM MORALLY OFFENDED.
    OMFG. Could Nicole please hurry the fuck up and rise from the dead already so that she can intervene with Ezria’s unholy matrimony? I don’t know how much longer I can stomach their lovey-dovey scenes, and the less said about their disgusting marriage proposal the better. Ezra gave a longwinded speech as he got down on one knee and pulled out a ring, but I won’t repeat a single word he said because I shall not publish SUCH FILTH in my recaps!

    The only interesting part about their proposal is learning Aria’s middle name: Aria Marie Montgomery! Too bad such a beautiful lyrical name is soon gonna be tarnished and replaced by Aria-Marie-FITZ, which sounds like one of those names you give to your daughter if you want her to marry a pedophile in the future. Oh wait. 🙊

    Ezria's engagement scene looks like
    Why did Ezra find it necessary to light a million candles in his apartment? He thought they’d help set the mood, but all I see is a potential fire hazard. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to hoping one of the candles would get knocked over, the room will catch on fire, and soon the whole place is engulfed in flames. The only way to make Ezria’s proposal bearable is if both of them perish in a fire before they tie the knot.

    Was I the only one who thought Ezria’s engagement scene had a visual resemblance to hell? It gave me chills to see Aria in a dark room, surrounded by hellish flames, as the human manifestation of Satan kneeled before her. I always thought Aria might end up in hell one day for all her teacher fucking sins, but it looks like she’s already there.

    Emily flunks college again!

    Emily and Sabrina had their first kiss! And most likely their last kiss too.
    Ugh, enough about Ezria. Let’s talk about another endgame couple, because Emily’s whirlwind romance with whatsherface is surely gonna go the distance and last until the end riiiight? For the sake of this recap, let’s just pretend for a few minutes that we aren’t cynical PLL viewers and try convincing ourselves this doomed romance might actually have a chance. 😍

    Now that Emily and Sabrina are an official couple, the two of them go through the motions with their first date, their first sleepover, and their first kiss. I know I just glossed over three major highlights in their relationship, but only because the show didn’t pay any attention to those moments. For comparison, power couples like Ezria, Haleb or Spoby got an entire episode dedicated to their first dates accompanied by fireworks and the string quartet, whereas Emily and Sabrina barely had five seconds to demonstrate their affections for each other on-screen.

    Emily must have a really bad kiss with Sabrina, because she immediately runs for the door afterwards.
    You might think Emily would cherish every precious second with Sabrina, but this bitch bolted outta there first thing in the morning after their one night-stand. G2G! Hope you enjoyed your stay here, please check out at the receptionist desk before 12PM!

    Dat awkward moment when you just had your first kiss, but your girlfriend immediately leaves in a hurry and runs for the emergency exit. Like geez, was Sabrina THAT bad of a kisser? Did she scare Emily away with her bad morning breath? How utterly humiliating for Sabrina, who was not only left forever alone, but she also had to tidy the place and lock up afterwards like the housekeeper.

    There's no need for Emily to retake her school test. You failed, bitch!
    Emily was so busy getting laid last night that she forgot about her school exam this morning. By the time she arrived on campus, her professor was already finished grading the test papers, so I think you might be a little late gurl! Emily started making a fuss, but the no-nonsense school lady told her to SHUSH, BITCH and gave her the finger. Look, I know you obviously can’t read the time on the clock, but surely you can read the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door?

    Poor Emily is now gonna fail college because she didn’t remember to take the final exam. If there’s any consolation, I don’t think it made a difference even if she showed up on time and took the test anyway. Considering how she didn’t do any studying at all, Emily would’ve handed in an empty answer sheet and gotten a big fat zero either way.

    How many times must Emily flunk out of college before she finally accepts she's not the academic type?
    If Emily knew she had a test on the next morning, maybe she should’ve been cramming in the course material instead of cramming in some chick’s tongue into her mouth. I don’t understand why Emily bothered going back to school if she won’t attend any classes, won’t study the textbooks, and won’t show up to take her final exam. Why not use her tuition money more productively and just buy a fake diploma online?

    Can you believe this bitch is gonna flunk out of college again? Except this time, she can’t even use her dead father as an excuse anymore. How many times must Emily fail at school before she finally realizes she isn’t the academic type? Girl, you gotta stop fronting and just accept your true calling as a bartender for life!

    Emily spends more time studying cocktail recipes than her lecture notes.
    No wonder Emily is failing everything when she spends her free time studying cocktail recipes instead of her lecture notes. You’d think she might work harder in school after already failing one exam, but this bitch seems more interested in getting drunk than getting a diploma.

    At this point, Emily might have to work as a bartender for the rest of her life simply because she’s incapable of doing anything else. What employer would want to hire a two-time college dropout with no education, no credentials, and no career skills aside from her ability to mix a mean margarita? Twenty years from now, Aria will be a bestselling author, Hanna will be a successful fashion entrepreneur, Spencer will be a beloved politician, and Emily will still be dispensing beverages to alcoholics behind a bar counter.

    A helps Emily cheat on her final exam and changes her final grade to a 92.
    ZOMG PLOT TWIST. A.D. suddenly changes Emily’s report card to a 92, along with a message that says: “Thank me later, ungrateful bitch.”

    1.) If you may recall, Mama Montgomery pulled a similar stunt back in Season 3 and cheated on a test for our pretty little flunkie. Either Ella is A (A.D. stands for Aria’s Divorced Mom) or the PLL writers ran out of ideas that they had to recycle filler storylines from prior seasons. 😒

    2.) Why was A so stingy with Emily’s grade? If you’re gonna cheat, why not go all the way and just give her a perfect mark? Hey A, I’m grateful for the 92… but I’d be a lot more grateful if you gave me a 100 instead! 😁

    Aria and Emily don't understand why A would help her cheat on her exam.
    Aria: Alright, can we day drink? Just a little?
    Emily: Right now, we’re thinking, not drinking. Why would A.D. do me any favours?
    Aria: I dunno, and I don’t even wanna think about what you’re gonna have to do to repay the debt!

    Originally, A hacked into the system and intended to sabotage Emily’s grades, only to realize there’s nothing to do when the dumb bitch already had zeroes across the board. Those grades are so pitiful that even A took sympathy and helped her pass the course. “Emily, please get better grades from now on so that I can sabotage you properly. – A.D.”

    Sabrina might not be important enough to be part of Emily's filler storyline.
    I guess there’s a possibility Sabrina hacked the grades, but I don’t think her character is significant enough to be part of this inconsequential filler storyline. Not that it stopped Sabrina from trying to forcefully insert herself into random encounters with Emily. I’m gonna make you share a scene with me whether you like it or not!

    Sabrina: I was just wondering how your test went.
    Emily: Uhhhhhh….it was good? Great?
    Sabrina: Ummmmmm……. Okay. I’m gonna go now.

    Holy awkfest. Is chatting with your girlfriend supposed to be this strained and stilted? The romantic chemistry between them felt so dead that I was afraid Sabrina would pull out a deck of conversation starter cards and start talking to Emily about the weather.

    Will Emily stop stringing Sabrina along and just break up with her already when she's clearly so not interested in her?
    You can only ignore somebody so many times before Sabrina got the hint that Emily saw her as a one night stand and not a serious girlfriend. It’s incredible how much her behaviour changed once this playa got what she wanted between Sabrina’s legs. Before getting laid, Emily was relentless in her courtship. After getting laid: *who are you?* & *why are you still here?*

    Sabrina felt so shitty that she suggested breaking up to spare herself any further humiliation. Strangely enough, Emily insists she’s still interested and asks Sabrina on a second date where they can have more awkward, platonic discomfort with each other off-screen. If this was The Bachelorette, Sabrina is like that candidate who gets no screentime yet inexplicably survives elimination each week just to fill the numbers. Emily is clearly stringing her along until she finds somebody better, but let’s keep dating and having casual sex anyway because why not?

    What kind of name is that name Archer Dunhill???

    Aria gives a strainger the phone number to Imperial Garden.
    This week’s investigation takes the pretty little liars to Elliott’s hidden burner apartment, which Aria & Emily were able to access after they bribed the superintendent with a $20 bill. Aria also used her *feminine wiles* to seal the deal, offering her (fake) phone number to the guy like she’s a hot piece of ass. Hey stud, call me when you’re feeling horny! 😘

    Emily: Do you think $20 was enough to keep the manager quiet?
    Aria: I slipped him a number too. Well, a number to Imperial Garden. I hope he likes moo-shu.

    I imagine Aria must be quite infamous at Imperial Garden, where she’s banned for life after sending so many unsolicited phone calls to their restaurant. Excuse me, we’re trying to run a legitimate business! Please stop giving our number to a bunch of perverted men you’ve rejected!

    If Aria is scared by a fake head, imagine how she'd feel after seeing a fake head tumble out of the bed.
    Aria and Emily break into Elliott’s apartment, where they proceed to leave their grubby fingerprints all over the place. Let’s touch this! Let’s touch that! Let’s touch this murphy bed and get startled when a bowling ball falls out! No, wait, not a ball… it’s a head! OMFG A HUMAN HEAD!!!

    Understandably, Aria had a total meltdown when she saw a goddamn head roll out of the bed. When Emily tried to investigate, you should’ve heard Aria shrieking WTF!? NO!!! PUT DAT HEAD DOWN, U PSYCHO! and she only calmed down after being reassured that it’s actually a fake prosthetic head. SPOILER ALERT: If Aria was already so scared by a *fake* decapitated head, she may want to watch the 7A finale with parental guidance because lol gurl you’re in for a treat!

    Elliott has a Detective Wilden shrine at the top of her bed.
    What’s even more shocking than a fake prosthetic head tumbling out of Elliott’s bed was the Detective Wilden love shrine on his wall. Imagine a teenage girl decorating her bedroom with posters of some cute celebrity heartthrob, except replace Shawn Mendes’ pictures with creepy close-ups of Detective Wilden’s face instead. Gurrrrl, I knew Elliott was impersonating Wilden, but I didn’t know he was obsessed to the point of creating a photo shrine for his idol! Every night before Rollins go to sleep, he stares lovingly into Wilden’s eyes on the top of his bed before drifting off to his sweet, erotic dreams.
    Why is Aria judging Emily for putting her hand in the sink when she's putting her butt on the bed?
    It’s tough to go digging for clues when Elliott’s dinky little apartment resembles an episode of Hoarders, but Emily rummages through the mess and even shoves her hand into the mucky sink water. There gotta be an important clue or a pool of bacterial germs somewhere in here!

    Aria: Are you putting your hands in there!?
    Emily: You’re the one sitting on the bed…

    Tell me what’s considered more unsanitary: Emily sticking her hand into a dirty sink with unwashed dishes, or Aria sticking her butt into a bed with stains and pheromones that can’t be washed off. Hey Aria, you’re an engaged woman now! It’s time to show some self-restraint and stop jumping into random strangers’ beds!

    Elliott Rollins' real name is actually Archer Dunhill!
    We discovered Elliott’s real identity! The former artist known as Elliott Rollins is actually called Archer Dunhill. Lemme start by apologizing to anybody out there (on the behalf of your parents) who has that name in real life, but lol wtf. There’s just something inherently off about “Archer Dunhill”, like a weird result that you’d get from a random name generator. Try saying it out loud. The syllables don’t sound coherent. Try spelling it in full. The letters don’t look right together. These are two unusual names with no rhyme nor rhythm that shouldn’t be put next to each other.

    I’d like to know what Mr. Dunhill and Mrs. Dunhill were thinking when they named their son. Were they doing a joke? No wonder Archie had to steal Elliott Rollins’ identity to pull off his heist on Alison. Imagine trying to go undercover with a name like “Archer Dunhill”. You’ll get busted as soon as you introduce yourself because no one is gonna believe that’s your real name.

    PLL is obsessed with introducing characters with the AD acronyms in their names.
    The origin of Archer’s name stems from PLL’s insistence on introducing new characters with the acronym A.D. in their names. First came Alison DiLaurentis, then came Archer Dunhill, and now I’ve read in the 7B casting spoilers there’ll be a new character called Addison Derringer. For the past six seasons, Alison was the only one with ‘AD’ as her initials, but suddenly it seems like half the population got a name change. Look at me, my initials are AYYDEE so I must be relevant!

    Is it just me or are these names getting more and more out there? Let’s just say if I saw “Archer Dunhill” and “Addison Derringer” on a name roster, I wouldn’t be 100% certain these are the names of actual earthlings. If Pretty Little Liars keeps coming up with these weird names, don’t be surprised that my future PLL recaps will contain a character named Apple Dragonfruit chatting with another character named Anchovy Deluxe.

    PLL is obsessed with introducing characters with the AD acronyms in their names.
    By the way, now is probably an appropriate time to make an important announcement to my readers at Recap Everything… I’m getting a name change! From now on, please refer to me as Arecap Deverything or my abbreviated nickname A.D. But that’s not all! I’m having my Oprah moment and I’m gonna give everybody a name change! For those of you who left a comment in this recap using your old pre-AD moniker, I’ve taken the liberty to update your names so that we can ALL refer to each other as A.D. forevermore.
    The pretty little liars found various clues among Archer's belongings.
    1.) The pretty little liars found various clues among Archer’s belongings, including his passports and his plane tickets. He was probably planning to run away with Charlotte. Too bad she croaked on her way to the wig store, or else we could’ve seen the magnificent return of Vivian Darkbloom with her bad French and her bad weave.

    2.) They also found his finances. Apparently, Archer made payments to Mary and Jenna every month. For Mary, it’s an employee’s salary since she does freelance evil work for him. For Jenna, it’s protection money like a mafia boss getting a share of the profits from her cronies.

    3.) They also found his Shakespeare! I know some of you will insist there’s a deeper meaning behind the highlighted passages. Overanalyzing clues has only worked out once or twice in the past seven seasons, not that it ever stopped obsessive PLL fans from doing it anyway.

    Toby caught the pretty little liars breaking and entering into Archer's apartment, not that he'll do anything about it.
    All of a sudden, the police arrived at the apartment! Sorry, I should correct myself… A real police officer would have these girls arrested for trespassing, but it was only Toby who showed up with his thumbs in his pockets and not giving a damn that he caught two criminals in the act.

    Toby: You wanna tell me why you’re here?
    Emily: Errrr, Alison found a slip of paper with this address on it in her house…
    Toby: Do you have that slip of paper?
    Aria: Errrr, we left it with her…

    Oh, we broke into Archer’s apartment based on an imaginary slip of paper that was magically gone with the wind! Shockingly, Toby just heard the least compelling lie in the world and still didn’t interrogate them. Uh-huh, there was a slip of paper, no further questions necessary!

    Why is Officer Toby giving away all the investigation details to his two civilian friends?
    Toby: You guys haven’t been anywhere near Malvern Station lately, have you?
    Emily: Errrr, no. Why?
    Toby: We found Rollins’ car. A receipt for six months advance rent on this place was in the glove box.

    I’ve never witnessed an interrogation where the criminals ask all the questions and the police officer is the one giving them the answers. Officer Cavanaugh, what the hell are you doing!? Why are you telling them any of this!? It puzzles me why Toby would go blabbing away every detail of the investigation to his two civilian friends. Did they not teach confidentiality at the police academy? Shut the fuck up, you’re sabotaging your own case!

    Caleb should stay missing forever.

    Caleb has gone missing and I don't care!
    Ugh, I hate discussing this next part of the episode, but we must trudge through a tedious subplot about Caleb (ugh) and how he had gone into hiding (ugh) and now Spencer is trying to locate him wherever (ugh). I don’t know where he is, and quite frankly I don’t care to find out. After all the drama in the past few episodes, I feel so exhausted by his character and need a break from him. I long for the days when Caleb was in Ravenswood where he disappeared into a spin-off show that I didn’t need to watch.
    Can we please not talk about Caleb Rivers? I'm so bored of his character.
    Caleb’s character is like this dark energy sucking the life out of the show. He drags Spencer and Hanna into a vortex of drama, where they circle back and forth in a tedious loop. I can barely watch their scenes anymore because the tension between them is so uncomfortable and so repetitive. It seems the only way to make this storyline enjoyable is if they talk to each other through doorways like last episode. Either film all of their scenes near a door, or else I’m not interested in watching.

    Spencer: Can we please not talk about Caleb?

    My thoughts exactly, girl. I watch this show for the pretty little liars, whereas Caleb is just some extra guy completely unnecessary to the grand scheme of things. I’d be perfectly fine if he falls into a pothole and we never see him again for the rest of the series.

    Spencer tells Hanna to sort out her own relationship first before meddling in hers.
    Hanna: Spence, I don’t wanna be the one who messed this up for either of you. What can I do? How can I fix this? 😟
    Spencer: Maybe you can start by figuring out why you’re wearing one guy’s ring when you might have feelings for another. 😒

    LOL AWKWARD. Hanna looked so uncomfortable afterwards, because she didn’t know how to respond politely when your friend accuses you of being a two-timing ho. As harsh as Spencer’s words may sound, Hanna really needed to hear some home truths about herself. Let’s start by figuring out why she’s still wearing a ring at all. Gurl, I know you got a good bargain with that flea market engagement ring, but what’s your endgame here? Was Hanna planning to hire a lookalike actor for her wedding and photoshop her honeymoon pictures too?

    I can't believe Hanna is working on her business plan. Really, I can't believe she has one.
    Not only is Hanna pretending to be engaged, but she also pretends to be a businesswoman too! Imagine my surprise when Hanna said she was working on her business plan that Lucas wants to see by tomorrow. Hanna has a business? Hanna has a plan? Hanna has a business plan??? I’m using so many question marks because I still can’t believe any of these statements are true???

    Besides, I didn’t think Hanna would have to do any *actual* work to get the million dollars. I always assumed Lucas was simply paying Hanna in exchange for her spending time with him. I thought they only referred to their arrangement as a ‘business’ because ‘prostitution’ doesn’t sound as pleasant. Can I look over this so-called business plan? Are we sure it isn’t just some Amazon wishlist containing the presents (‘business assets’) that Hanna wants Lucas to buy with his money?

    Help me, Toby-Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope!
    The search for Spencer’s missing boyfriend leads her to Toby, who does know where Caleb is hiding but won’t divulge his exact whereabouts. During their exchange, Spencer and Toby shared a cute moment together as they bonded over her adorkable Star Wars reference.

    Spencer: Help me, Toby-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!

    Hehe, Spencer is so precious. 😊 I’m kinda rooting for her to get back together with Toby, not because I’m a Spoby fan, but because I’m a Spencer Hastings fan and just want her character to feel happy again. Since we’re making Star Wars references, Spencer is obviously Princess Leia, Toby is her Han Solo, and Caleb is like…Jar Jar Binks.

    Dat awkward moment when Spencer realizes her one-night stand is Toby's new boss.
    And then Spencer met Toby’s new boss, who also happened to be the same guy that she banged in an elevator not so long ago. Of course she denies knowing him to avoid dat awkward conversation where you have to tell your ex-boyfriend about the graphic details of your one-night stand. No, I don’t know him! We never met before! His penis never met my butthole!

    Marco is confused by her behaviour, but he’s a good sport and plays along anyway. At least he is properly introduced to Spencer this time around. Detective Furey got very familiar with Spencer’s backside last episode, and now he gets to meet her front side too!

    Alison and Mary: 2 Broke Girls

    Even Aria remembered that Emily had an exam this morning.
    Since Welby is having a PR shitstorm after a fake doctor was caught torturing his patient, they opted to release Alison into the wild hoping that she wouldn’t sue. Only Aria bothered to show up for her friend’s release day, while the other liars were too busy *working on their business plan*, *lezzing it up* & *crying over Caleb* to make an appearance.

    Aria: *on the phone* Emily, hey, I thought you might want to stop by Ali’s on your way to Hollis. They’re releasing her this morning. And I look kinda conspicuous standing here alone.

    Hilariously enough, even Aria remembered that Emily was supposed to go to school this morning for her exam. Just imagine how bad of a student you gotta be when an outsider is more responsible about your studies than you are. *lol*

    Aria cooked Alison a casserole out of guilt.
    Aria is being a supportive friend out of guilt because she feels responsible for what happened to Alison over a false murder accusation. She even cooked a casserole for Ali, which is like the one piece of comfort food that nobody really wants. Be honest, if you’re feeling down, do you ever crave for a casserole? Bake me a pie, feed me some ice cream, just don’t give me some crappy casserole that I’ll be heating up in the trash bin.

    At least Aria made an effort to cook some food for Alison, unlike the rest of her family. It’s kinda harsh that Papa DiLaurentis and Jason didn’t even send a card or a fruit basket or a flower wreath (wait, do they only do that for funerals?) upon their loved one’s release. At least have the decency to e-mail Alison an online screenshot of a casserole if you don’t actually want to cook one.

    Mary Drake closes the door in a dramatic fashion.
    One of Alison’s release conditions is that she must live with her primary caretaker, Mary Drake, or as Ali likes to call her: ‘a demented den mother’. It’s easier to understand their living arrangement if you think of Mary as the Aunt Petunia to Alison’s Harry Potter. Don’t be surprised if Alison is forced to live in a cupboard under the stairs with the cobwebs and spiders.

    Personally, I wouldn’t mind having Mary Drake as a roommate because this bitch and her ridiculous antics always bring the lulz. Just look at her, only Mary is able to turn *closing a door* into a piece of performance art. There were more theatrics to Mary shutting a door than a Broadway play.

    Mary Drake backpedalled and denied any involvement in Alison's torture.
    Alison: What I don’t understand is how you can agree to help a stranger drive another person insane!?
    Mary: Rollins was clever. Manipulative. And I was so vulnerable…

    Alison’s first order of business is confronting her aunt for being such an evil bitch. Mary spent every second backpedalling and denying any involvement in Alison’s torture. The bullshit out of Mary’s mouth was so ridiculously phony that it almost made me laugh. Whaaaa? I simply had NO IDEA what my partner in crime was plotting all along! He manipulated me! If anything, I was just as much of a victim as you are, Alison! Let’s start a support group together!

    Mary doesn't care about justice for Charlotte, as long as she gets money in the bank!
    Mary: I didn’t know you, Alison. My experiences with your mother made it easy to believe you were cut from the same cloth.
    Alison: And that’s why you thought I deserved to die!?
    Mary: I never agreed to that. He told me Charlotte wanted me to have her money, and that for me was justice. But he wanted vengeance.

    I WANT JUSTICE 4 CHARLOTTE!!! And by that, I mean I want her bank account, her life savings, her pension, her stock portfolio, her hedge funds, her mutual funds, her coupons, her spare change, and her Monopoly money too. Unlike the other characters, Mary doesn’t care about avenging Charlotte’s death or finding the identity of her killer. You can kill whoever you want and torture whoever you like, as long as there’s a hefty cheque deposited to my bank account!

    Alison refuses to give Mary a glass of water.
    The best part about their confrontation is when Mary asked for a glass of water, and Alison poured the drink as requested, only to deliberately put the cup away from her aunt’s reach afterwards. It was a small bitchy gesture with no significance other than to troll Mary, yet this is the kind of passive aggressive behaviour that makes Recap Everything giggle like crazy. Hey bitch, no water for you! *lolololol*

    19 Comments

    1. Your recap of the #PLLProposal (ugh) was definitely better than the proposal itself! We all know that there’s no way PLL will end without an Ezria marriage, but at least we’ll get to see Nicole wreck things for a while before the series finale wedding! Since Ezria has to get married, all I ask is that Aria wears an insane wedding dress made of bird feathers!

      • I totally forgot about that obnoxious hashtag #PLLProposal. I’m already dreading #PLLWedding or #EzriaWedding or whatever cutesy tag they come up with in 7B. SHUDDER.

        My ideal wedding dress for Aria would be LEOPARD PRINT polka-dots with ruffles, ribbons, bird feathers, and oversized jewellery from head to toe.

    2. I love how after the OMG 5 YEARS FORWARD!! thing PLL just threw in all the adult things in their gossipy teen show. Kinky elevator sex, everybody drinking booze, the weird Haleb sex scene. It’s like, they are so excited they no longer have to pretend these girls are 17-18 so they’re just doing ALL. THE. THINGS.

      • IKR? Don’t forget all these countless engagements and weddings and pregnancies too. It’s so cray these girls are cramming their entire adulthoods into their early twenties. PLL is clearly overcompensating and they’re doing the most with these unnecessary storylines lol.

    3. I’m looking forward to the day you can find time to recap Season 1, when all was so different and kinda innocent

      • Moi aussi! I’m gonna save the Season 1 recaps for last because of the nostalgia factor. I do wonder whether anybody will still be reading these PLL recaps after this show is off-the-air, but I imagine there’ll be a couple of us diehards still discussing Pretty Little Liars in the year 2020 when the show aired a decade ago. *lol*

    4. Let me tell you that you legit had me in tears in the section about the initials A.D. Completely lost it at Arecap Deverything. Ily so much.

      • ILY2! I gotta thank PLL for being ridiculous as always and giving me so much material to work with.

    5. I haven’t even seen past 7×03 yet, think I may be continuing my unfortunate habit of getting to the last season of a show and not seeing it through… but even if I don’t get back into PLL I will keep checking back for all the recaps <3
      Also dying at the AD names for everyone hahahaha

      • Thank you for da support, Ms. DIneedalastname~ I will try my best to fill your PLL void with my recaps even if you don’t continue to watch it. <3

    6. Gurrrl. Where are thou? I laugh my sorry ass so much with this page I need you to keep doing these recaps. Plz??

    7. The only think making the Ezria proposal a little less unbearable is your recap of it. The fact that my friends are all die-hard Ezria shippers makes it so much worse and I have no one to discuss my hatred of the relationship to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    8. Gurl don’t leave us again! Your recaps have helped me get through this super long PLL hiatus :'(

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