Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 3

In case you didn’t notice that big purple hardcover staring right at the camera, this is a promotion for Sara Shepard (aka. the fairy godmother of Pretty Little Liars) and her brand new book called The Amateurs, coming to a bookstore café near you in November 2016! Or if you don’t wanna read the book, you can just wait for the crappy TV adaptation that will definitely air on Freeform within a few years. OMG! What if the main PLL cast leaves the show after this season, only to reunite together again in another Freeform show based on a Sara Shepard book series? #amazingidea #makeithappen

About ‘The Amateurs’: 5 YEARS AGO! Some bitch named Helena Kelly disappeared from her backyard in Connecticut, never to be heard from again. OHNOES. Her family was left without answers about her death, but another bitch named Seneca Frazier wants to change that – after she changed her bizarre birth name that is. Seneca teams up with a bunch of online wannabe detectives to solve the case, one of whom is most likely revealed to be the real killer in the end. *lol so obvious* BUT PLOT TWIST! Is Seneca also hiding some DEEP DARK SEKRITS that might hinder the investigation? Is she the actual killer!? Dun, dun, dun…

Yup, it’s a rehash of Pretty Little Liars with absurdly named characters. Just watch Helena come back from the dead and start a lesbian romance with Seneca, I’m calling it right now.

I guess I wouldn’t have minded an Emily x Sabrina romance to happen last season since it’d go along with the rest of the filler romances. Now, we’ve less than 20 episodes before Pretty Little Liars ends forever and I don’t wanna put up with a drawn-out song and dance routine. Either put out for her or get out of this show, because ain’t nobody got time for a non-starter romance!

On top of being a massive vagtease, Sabrina is also kind of a sourpuss bitch? I’m sorry that Emily stole Ezra’s key a million years ago as part of some filler storyline last season, but it’s about time you forgive and forget your eternal lifetime grudges. I wanna see a lighthearted romance with a fun easy breezy love interest, and not with some nitpicking hag who still gripes over a trivial wrongdoing from eons ago. Sabrina’s character also leaves a bad taste in my mouth and it’s called SOUR BITTERNESS that I don’t want on my show.

Emily: I like you, Sabrina! And I know you must feel something for me too! If you didn’t, I wouldn’t be standing here making a fool out of myself. I just wished you wouldn’t judge me based on one stupid mistake. If you got to know me, you’ll realize that’s not who I am at all.

You can tell that someone as gorgeous as Emily has always gotten every girl she wanted, so that’s why she’s not coping well with this rejection. “I know you must feel something for me too!” Um no, she just described you as a bad taste? Can you take a hint?

WTF? Is it normal to kiss all of your ex-girlfriends on the lips with your tongues intertwined??? I think you meant to say “we’re just friends…with benefits”, Sabrina. Then again, her actions aren’t so surprising when Pretty Little Liars already demonstrated through Ezria and Haleb that making out with your exes is perfectly acceptable behaviour. I don’t see anything wrong with smooching my former lover? We’re buddies! A full tongue-on-tongue kiss is just our friendly way of saying hello to each other!

Sadly, Emily is so desperate for acceptance that she’ll take any piece of ass that comes her way, even though she’s essentially the *Liam* or the *Jordan* in this doomed love triangle relationship. In a few episodes’ time, don’t be surprised when poor Emily gets dumped at some scrappy construction site after Sabrina realized that she still has irrepressible feelings for her anonymous girlfriend. “We’re just friends…” MY ASS!!!

You’d think Emily might be more diligent on her first day of work, but she spends all of her time either on the phone or hitting on the customers at the bar. She’s lucky that Laura Leighton got removed as a series regular this season, or otherwise Mama Marin would appear right now and fire her lazy employee on the spot. *lol*

Oh Spaleb, what happened to you? As somebody who genuinely enjoyed their relationship since it started, I hate the way Pretty Little Liars took a sledgehammer and demolished what was a fun, natural rapport between two compatible characters. Last season, the Spencer x Caleb scenes were so hilarious to watch. And this season, they’re the worst part of the show. How many times do I have to hear the line “We need to talk about us…”!? Enough talking, end this shit already! If Aria can break up with Liam in under five seconds, so can you!

Spencer: You two were alone together that night. Did something happen?
Caleb: She was scared. I…I was comforting her.

Ok bro, if that’s what you wanna spin it: “Hanna was feeling scared so I gave her a little bit of tongue to calm down her nerves.” You know, there are many other ways to comfort somebody without exchanging taste buds. Besides, Hanna wasn’t even scared during that scene, unless she was scared of losing Caleb to Spencer that is. OMG Spaleb is so terrifying, can somebody kiss me so I’ll feel better!?

It’s obvious that Caleb would never confess to Spencer if she hadn’t continued prodding him about it, even though he had plenty of time to come clean, rue over his actions, and apologize for cheating. Notice how the mofo never said sorry to Spencer, most likely because he’s not sorry and would mack on Hanna all over again if given a second chance. I bet Caleb wanna go back into the time warp so he can relive the moment when he cheated with Hanna again and again and again and again…

Wrong answer, Caleb! *buzzer noise* You had your chance to apologize and explain yourself, but instead you waste that time depleting oxygen with your mouth dropped open. His silence tells us everything we need to know. Maybe Spencer has a higher tolerance for filthy cheating boyfriends than I do, but I’ve no idea why she doesn’t just kick him to the curb on the spot. You kissed Hanna!? Okay then, get out of my face and climb outta the doggie door you go!

Spencer: Caleb told me about what happened between you two at The Lost Woods. You really shouldn’t have told me that you were over him if you weren’t. 😒
Hanna: Spencer, I’m so sorry! I am over him! That was a huge mistake! 😩

I know some of you might insist that Spaleb shouldn’t have started in the first place, but I’m of the opinion that their relationship should have never ended. If I had my way, this love triangle drama wouldn’t exist since the two of them are still happily dating. We’ll ask Miss Marin to drive her car elsewhere because you lost your spot and this parking lot is full.

How…how can she say that with a straight face!? 🙈 For some ungodly reason, Hanna is still pretending to be engaged to her fiancé after she broke up with him. I don’t know why she’s lying, or what she’s planning to do with a fake engagement to a fake fiancé in a fake wedding she’s never gonna have. Maybe Hanna enjoyed the thrill of committing adultery so much that she wanna keep up the roleplaying fantasy when Caleb cheats with her again in the future?

Aria: Ezra and I, we spent a lot of time together these past few weeks and I just realized how much I missed having him in my life. We’re both lucky! I got Ezra, you got Jordan!

Between the two of them, I actually don’t know who is behaving worse. Hanna shouldn’t be telling such an outrageous lie, but at least it’s because she has a guilty conscience over her actions. As opposed to Aria, whose adultery is so second nature that she doesn’t bother with lying because the bitch feels no shame about flip-flopping between two men. *lolsad*

Caleb: I really think we need to talk about this morning…
Background noise: *BZZZZZZZZZZT*

Sidebar: did you guys catch that moment when Caleb was in the middle of saying a line and suddenly there was a strange text messaging alert noise in the background? Tyler Blackburn even broke character for a second to glare at the production member who must’ve forgotten to turn off their cell phone during filming. lol whoops!

It’s evident that Caleb must’ve rehearsed his script properly this time, because he finally knows the right lies to tell his girlfriend to keep her at ease. Fortunately, she can see through his bullshit and calls out the lying motherfucker. Let’s be real. If Hanna was ready to get back together with Caleb right now, he’d drop poor Spencer so fast that she’ll get permanent bruising on her buttocks!

Oh my god, not this shit again. *spits out drink* Spencer, are you serious girl? Do you need a thesaurus to look up another word to use in your vocabulary instead of ‘love’? As much as I am in Spencer’s corner 100%, please don’t go around dropping hardcore ILU bombs on your boyfriend of several weeks. At least wait until the 30-day trial period has passed before you finalize your undying love for him in your wedding vows.

And their relationship is donezo, thank fucking god! I feel like I did something wrong in my previous life to have to endure these past three episodes of relationship hell. In the process, they’ve annihilated Caleb’s character, ruined the friendship between Spanna, and wasted screentime that could be dedicated to more interesting plots instead. Now we have to sit through god knows how long before Haleb reconciles while shitting all over Spencer’s feelings, so we have that piece of riveting drama to look forward to. I can hardly wait. 😑😑😑

I will not waste any time discussing Toby and Yvonne’s romance, which is as interesting as watching the wallpaper fall in love with the carpet. Don’t worry though, their engagement won’t last. Queen Jenna didn’t even attend her stepbrother’s engagement party so this unholy romance clearly didn’t get the royal stamp of approval. Also, I must point out that the two of them held their party at a trailer park in some dinky part of the woods. lmao toby, get some class plz.

Either that, or his real identity is Wren wearing a secret mask because obvious plot twist is obvious, but shhh let’s not ruin the surprise until the 7A finale. Anyway, it’s a miracle how this imposter managed to get away with the sham for so long, but I guess not a single one of his employers knows how to use a computer and notice a discrepancy in his records lulz. Wow, you were alive back in 1958? You must have a lot of medical experience then, you’re hired!

Spencer: I asked you not to involve him!!!
Emily: Ali’s life trumps what you want, Spencer!!!

As if Spencer wasn’t busy enough fighting Hanna over Caleb and plotting against Yvonne over Toby, now she also picks a fight with Emily in another brewing bitchfeud over Alison. Leave it to Spencer to take on not one, not two, but THREE epic couple wars simultaneously. Datta girl, I wouldn’t expect anything less from this hardcore bitch. *lol*

Dr. Freedman: I wasn’t aware Dr. Rollins was treating Alison, but I assure you she’s in excellent hands!
Aria: We think he’s abusing Alison! And if you don’t go check up on her right now, we’ll file a complaint against Dr. Rollins! And you!
Dr. Freedman: Against me!? On what grounds!? 😟😟😟

Uh durrrr. Someone just accused your subordinate of abusing a patient and you were like “I didn’t even know I was liable!” Maybe Elliott slipped him some tainted medication too, because nobody can be THAT much of a bumbling fool!

Dr. Freedman: *reading Alison’s file* It says here she’s being treated with a Big Mac, a McChicken, and a medium Coca-Cola. Vital signs are stable, everything is clear. Good job as always, Dr. Rollins. Another promotion for you!

Forget about Dr. Rollins, he might be twisted but at least he’s competent. Can someone please file a complaint against Dr. Freedman ASAP because this clown shouldn’t be in a position of authority!? I’m more scared about this bozo’s stupidity than that mofo’s evilness!

Choking someone with an IV tube isn’t a typical maneuver you’d learn in a self-defence class, but it’s just as effective. Here’s the step-by-step combat strategy: first you crush his windpipes, then you break his neck, and finally you don’t stop until his whole head rolls off! YOU GO GURL, CHOKE DAT BITCH!!!

The irony here is that even if Alison succeeded in killing her husband, the chances of her escaping the asylum and not getting caught are virtually nil. Which means she’ll still end up being imprisoned, except this time it’s for murder. Her situation wouldn’t change at all, other than the sheer satisfaction she’ll get from killing Elliott in the flesh with her bare hands! 😁

I couldn’t even focus on the fight at hand because I was so distracted by the fake impostor. Oh my god, who’s this mysterious DiLaurentis twin sister and why do they look nothing alike!?

Also, is anybody extremely disturbed that he carries around poisonous syringes in his back pocket and creepy bondage gear in his man purse like these are perfectly common everyday items? WHAT. A. FUCKING. PSYCHO. And yet, I kinda secretly enjoy watching him? *lol* I fear and respect Dr. Rollins in equal measures. Yes, he might be completely psychotic, but this mofo is so good at being bad that he gives me spine-shivering chills yo. He’s like the deliciously evil villain in a horror movie, you gotta root for him to kill dem all!

Aria: No, no! Elliott would never hurt Alison! He loves her! I just keep thinking about the night that Alison and Elliott asked me to marry them. They seemed so in love…

LMAO. Oh Aria, why are you such a terrible judge of character? Leave it to this deluded fangirl to completely misread one of the most twisted mofos on the show and describe his evil actions as eternal affections. Aria might be the only bitch who’d watch a slasher flick like Freddy vs. Jason and boldly proclaim: “Oh, but this is a love story!”

Aria: I never should have agreed to marry them!
Hanna: Ali should have never agreed to marry him. They only dated for one week.

Says the girl who just broke off her engagement and is currently wearing a fake ring from the discount bin, so she has some cheek judging other people’s marriage choices. If Alison can talk through her mask right now, she’d be hitting back with a retort like: “Maybe Hanna should have never agreed to marry him. They only had three minutes of airtime together in the past twelve episodes.”

Aria: Hanna, you coming?
Hanna: Yeah, I’ll drive.

The gods of foreshadowing have spoken: maybe you’ll want to consider another mode of transportation for this episode, gurl. Because you’ve proven that steering wheel is NOT your friend, Hanna Marin. 😵

Hanna: Well, that was a waste of time!
Aria: Let’s go look at the furniture!

Great sleuthing as always, girls! *thumbs up* You may not have found any clues about Elliott, but at least you found a new vintage armchair to go with your living room!

Hanna is totes angsty because now she has these nasty burn scars on her back. Think of how much this limits her wardrobe choices in the next few episodes! No tank tops! No bikinis! No backwards V-necks! No strapless ballroom gowns! She might even have to wear a normal t-shirt instead of a sexy bustier! OMG SO TRAUMATIZING!!!

Excuse me, but what is this socially sheltered creature, which religious cult compound did she escape from, and why does she exist in the 21st Century? Eliza seems like something that belongs in a historic museum exhibit, next to the pilgrim wax figures and the heritage preservation of the Oregon Trail. I look at her and I think: “Oh, what type of backwards prehistoric orphanage were you raised in, you poor child?”

No, you’re prettier! No, you’re prettiest! Oh thanks, hehehehe! Okay okay, you’re both beauty queens, but where is this conversation going? Even though Eliza shows a sweet angelic disposition, Recap Everything isn’t easily fooled and I *know* she’s secretly an EVIL DEMON CHILD on the inside. In fact, I’m 100% certain she’s the one that tortured Hanna with the cattle prod. We already got the suspect, the location, the weapon, and now the motive is clear too. You’re pretty… TOO PRETTY. 😈

Eliza: You look like my dolls… *what dolls?* THE ONES THAT CHARLOTTE GAVE ME!!!

If you need more proof that Eliza is an evil devil child: Charlotte used to frequently visit her at the farm. I doubt that evil bitch took time out of her busy day just to play dolls with an innocent little girl. More like Charlotte was grooming her young protégé to torture the second generation of the pretty little liars after the original A retires in twenty years. Start them young, teach them well, and raise an up-and-coming psychopath in this youth recruitment camp!

It turns out this is actually Elliott’s murder inventory kit containing an assortment of scalpels, syringes & drugs. Don’t you love what a meticulous villain he is? Most killers just grab the nearest knife or gun to off their victims, but here’s this mofo carefully preparing each piece of equipment and brewing all these deadly concoctions as if he’s in Potions class with Professor Snape. And check out his scalpel collection: one for peeling your fingernails off, one for peeling your skin off, and a different one for scooping your eyeballs out!

Naturally, every single photo was taken with precision, technical perfection, and a meticulous attention to detail. An amateur photographer merely takes pictures, but the legendary, award-winning, master photography guru Aria Montgomery takes what is called art. Not only can her photos be submitted to the police as evidence, but they can also be published in the Art & Culture section of The New York Times. Watching her in action, I thought I caught a glimpse of the next Dorothea Lange of our generation. 😲

She would also take photos of the evidence one by one by one by one. Here’s a bottle! *snap* Here’s another bottle! *snap* And another! *snap* Zoom in! *snap* Zoom out! *snap* Lemme capture it in natural lighting! *snap* Oh no, that one had a lens flare, lemme pose it from a different angle! *snap*

As luck would have it, Elliott arrived back to his house at that exact moment (…why does he always seem to return home when she’s there? lol). Despite Spencer warning her *YOU’RE GONNA DIE IF YOU DON’T LEAVE NOW*, Aria can’t seem to pull herself away from this little nerdy photography haven. No, I need more time! I still need to take a crime scene selfie! And I haven’t even uploaded these pictures into Instagram yet!

It turns out Elliott was cooking up a yummy recipe to make LATEX MASKS. And here we thought A’s creepy lifelike masks were purchased at a Halloween costume shop, but they were actually homemade! Wow, Dr. Rollins should consider quitting his day job as a psychiatric doctor and seek work as a FX artist instead because he got a real gift for this line of work! No wonder they call him ~The Talented Mr. Rollins~. 😁

In fact, the investigation scenes in this episode are just the pretty little liars finally catching up by covering old ground. OMG Elliott is evil! OMG Alison isn’t insane! OMG Elliott and Charlotte hooked up! Sorry to rain on their parade, but this is all old news? At this rate, they aren’t gonna find out that Kelly Clarkson won American Idol until the Season 8 PLL premiere.

Spencer: *glances at photo* That’s a stimulant. To help you focus, to stay awake.

Spencer was looking sheepish because you can tell she definitely dabbled in this stimulant in the past. A drug that helps you focus and stay awake? Sounds like it’s right up her alley!

But unfortch, she didn’t hear me. Now Elliott is rumbled and knows Alison’s friends have been snooping through his jock straps. *smh* so much at Aria, you’re the worst spy ever gurl.

By the way, I’m fascinated with the man purse that Elliott carries around with him all the time. It’s like some portable murder kit with all these knives and needles and toxic drugs. Any one of these weapons would be enough to finish Alison’s life, but Elliott still carries around 100+ different supplies in his trusty man purse. Dude, why are you so overly prepared? You got only two hands to go with your twenty scalpels, how will you even use them all to kill Alison!?

Oh my god, Pretty Little Liars couldn’t get any campier than this scene even if it tried. I mean, the show has always been ridiculously over-the-top, but none more so than this moment right here with the evil husband twirling his fingers and whispering death threats to his bedridden wife. And hearing his thick British accent is like the juicy cherry on top of this sweet meringue pie!

You gotta give props to Alison’s super stealthy ninja skills for doing all of that secret espionage under her husband’s watchful eye. Then again, Elliott wasn’t really that careful with his captive considering he didn’t restrain her, or tie her up, or throw that bitch in the trunk. It’s funny how he brought a whole bag full of scalpels, needles & drugs, and yet this evil genius forgot to bring a rope. *lolwhoops*

Luckily, Alison struck first and waited for the right moment to catch him off guard before bashing his head against the steering wheel! BOOYAH! For a moment, I thought Alison might consider choking him to death with the seatbelt in her second murder attempt of the day, but she just got outta that car and started running for her life. And oh, how she ran~ Alison ran like she was Katniss Everdeen when the hunger games commenced and there’s a pack of District 1 Careers hounding her ass. You gotta keep running, bitch! Run until you find Peeta!

HOLY SHIT!!!!! SHE RAN THE MOTHERFUCKER DOWN!!!!! 🚨🚨🚨 His body slammed into the vehicle, his head cracked open, his blood spilled outrageously everywhere. And just like that, Elliott Rollins became instant roadkill. RIP gurl!

1.) THAT. WAS. FUCKING. AWESOME. 😝 Sorry for sounding like a psychopath, but this is exactly what the season needed to raise the stakes and inject some adrenaline into the show. Not only do we wanna see lots of characters die in the final season of Pretty Little Liars, we also want the deaths to be as bloody and gory as possible. The absolute best part about this scene was seeing Elliott’s bloody head smashed straight into the windshield, his eyes wide open, and there was even blood splurging out of his mouth. I nearly died from laughter when I saw blood coming out of his dead body like a juice fountain, omglawl.

3.) Remember when Mama Marin also hit Detective Wilden with her car back in Season 3? Like mother, like daughter. *alol* Ashley and Hanna must have some hidden nascar blood in their family genes, because these daredevils aren’t afraid to put the pedal to the metal and run those motherfuckers down! You don’t wanna get caught in between a Marin woman and her deadly racecar. As soon as they get behind that steering wheel, every street, road, highway, back alley & even dirt path becomes an OPEN KILL ZONE.

Do these girls realize they just turned a manslaughter into a hit-and-run crime? Not to mention this will be another scandalous sekrit that A uses as blackmail, because you know that evil mofo is lurking in the shadows and filming incriminating footage right now. Mark my words: this will *not* end well for those bitches!

BTW, I love this final image of him sprawled out on the vehicle, while she looks down at her husband’s dead body probably trying to suppress a chuckle. In her head, Alison must be thinking: VICTORY IS MINE!!! 🏆