Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 20
Wow. Just wow. That was, without a doubt, the best Pretty Little Liars finale I’ve ever seen. It was not the #PLLFinale that I expected, but it was definitely the finale we deserved. I couldn’t have asked for a more loltastic ending to this hilarious show.
PLL Recap: Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 20
Before we start the PLL finale recap, I want everybody to dig deep into their family ancestry and make sure that you don't have an evil twin somewhere out there. Let's learn from Spencer's mistakes. Are you absolutely certain that you don't have a secret twin sister, separated at birth, who will come back twenty years later to steal your life whilst speaking in a tragic accent?
Wow, the show went there. I always dismissed those crackpot Twincer fan theories because I thought they were simply too bizarre, but PLL took those crazy Tumblr ramblings, turned the ridiculous dial to a 1000x, and even threw in a cockney accent for good measure. As soon as Twincer blurted out *EYE AHM EYY DEE!*, I burst out laughing so hard. From that moment on, I fully embraced whatever hijinks PLL prepared for the finale. OH BABY I'M READY. Take me to your crazy place, Pretty Little Liars!
Going into the finale, Melissa was the runaway favourite for A.D.'s identity. Almost everybody had this bitch pegged as A before the season even aired. It was like watching Hillary Clinton at the election all over again. All the polls say it was her. All the media outlets say it was her. All the tea leaf readings say it was her. But then comes the big night and suddenly some fucking asshole took over centre stage instead. What happened!? Melissa, you were supposed to be the frontrunner!
When I first read the Melissa theories, I was amazed at how the fans came up with a perfect explanation that made so much sense, tied in with the plot, and resolved multiple loose ends. Melissa being A.D. would've been a very tidy solution, but of course Pretty Little Liars is all about the messiness. We don't wanna be remembered as the show that went out with plot consistency! WE WANNA BE REMEMBERED FOR EVUL TWINZ!
And oddly enough, I'm at peace with this finale. Maybe I'm so used to having zero expectations, but I actually thought this was a great ending for the show. I can understand why some fans would be outraged over the farcical twin twist. I'm also totally aware of all the plot holes. And yet...I dunno, the ending worked for me. It was messy, it was nonsensical & it was ridiculous in every way, but that kinda describes why I still love Pretty Little Liars to this day. This episode was a perfect capsule of what makes PLL so watchable for me all these years.
The bottom line is the Pretty Little Liars finale was a beautiful mess, and I wouldn't want this show to end in any other way. 💕
Conquistador Jenna galloping through the night.
First things first. Let's talk about THE FINAL INTRO EVER ZOMG. PLL pulled out all the stops and even changed up the last shot so that the liars were shushing us together side-by-side. It was a cute concept, but I just wished it didn't look so...erm, tacky? When only one of the liars shushes you, the imagery looks very secretive and iconic. But when all five of them raise their hands together at the same time in perfect robotic synchronization, they look like a creepy cult.
Also, the girls look kinda weird standing behind the coffin like that. Don't they remind you of a judging panel in X-Factor or something? We could've ended the show with the classic Aria shush (it was HER TURN goddammit) and it would've been a nice throwback to the intro in the first few seasons, but instead they gave us the pretty little judges panel. Oh, Pretty Little Liars, why must you ruin everything beautiful?
The episode begins with the pretty little liars having an intellectually stimulating roundtable discussion about ice panties of all things.
Spencer: Ugh, so hot. I'm shoving an ice pack down my panties.
Hanna: You know you can actually buy those?
Aria: Ice panties!?!?!? 😀😀😀
Okay, Aria sounded way too enthusiastic when she heard about the possibility of ice panties. Don't know why she's interested, maybe Ezra will be getting a kinky honeymoon surprise, but not here to judge.
Hanna: No, Aria. Iced panty liners.
Emily: I'm looking that up...
Oh my gawd, Emily. Must you be so brazen at announcing your intent to browse for fetish porn out here in public? Please have some decorum and save your ice panties search history in the privacy of your own home. You can bookmark all those websites when you're alone, okay? For the record, I also looked up ice panties out of sheer curiosity. I couldn't find what they were talking about, but I did see many, many, many images of crotches and ass cracks, so thank you for leading me down this rabbit hole, Pretty Little Liars.
All of a sudden, we see Lucas dressed in a white tuxedo with a fedora hat, and he was tapdancing very loudly in the background. He busted a few moves, the liars barely acknowledged him, and then he just waltzed off the premises. *dot dot dot dot dot...*
To be honest, I didn't think anything seemed out of the ordinary at first. I thought Lucas was dressed up like that and dancing like this just because he was being his usual weirdo self. I dunno, maybe he was going to a cosplaying convention or something, and his tapdancing is like the nerdy version of swagger. It didn't even occur to me this was supposed to be a fantasy sequence, I just assumed this was how Lucas normally behaved in a typical scene lol.
AND THEN HER MAJESTY HAS ARRIVED.
Okay, I know I use the word *EPIC* way too liberally in all my recaps, but seriously EPIC AFFFF. What blind girl do you know can ride a horse through the city streets in the middle of the night? How many of them look like the Dark Rider, ready to steal your human soul and ride off triumphantly into the underworld? I CAN'T EVEN @ THIS MOTHERFUCKING BITCH. WHEN WILL YOUR FAVES???
There are many qualities I love about Jenna, but her dramatic entrances might be my favourite part. If you look back at the past 7 seasons, you'll notice her character always arrives in one memorable way or another. This bitch knows how to make an entrance, whether it's by tapping her walking cane obnoxiously on the ground, or she's escorted by her entourage of lapdogs like some VIP celebrity. Every time Jenna enters a room, time stops, the air tightens, and your soul begins to shrivel. You can feel her presence and arrival even if you don't know where she is.
Thank god PLL is ending after this episode, because I don't think they'll be able to come up with a better entrance than Jenna galloping on a horse in the middle of the night. The only way they can top this ultimate entrance is if Jenna literally arrives inside The Trojan Horse followed by an army of her thousand men.
In all our commotion over Jenna's horse, I feel that we've neglected to mention her equally absurd outfit. Was she wearing some kind of sexy jockey lingerie? *lol* She had this red corset with a matching red jacket, plus black fishnet leggings, black ankle boots, black sunglasses, and there were feathers on top of her head. As I said before, there are many qualities I love about Jenna... but her fashion sense is not one of them. Bitch looked like a Spanish conquistador had an identity crisis and suddenly became a flamenco dancer.
Just as I was getting excited about an enlightened PLL universe that featured Jenna channelling her dark magic and transforming into a centaur, we find out this opening sequence was a hallucination from Mona's overactive imagination. In other words, none of it was real and you wasted two minutes of your life you'll never get back.
When PLL said they were gonna do a two-hour finale, you might think they'd use the extra time wisely to pace the plot and explain their story in more detail. Instead, they gave us TAP DANCING & HORSEBACK RIDING LOL U MAD. Before you start hating the episode, please note this opening sequence isn't even the most egregious misuse of time in the finale. When we're watching Ezria pork each other later on, just know we could've been using that precious screentime to witness AU Jenna competing in a horse race instead.
Speaking of alternate universes, here's a funny one where Wren is finally revealed as A. You don't get to see his face right now, but this is Wren in a black hoodie about to kill Mona in her hospital room. You PLL fans got what you wanted, except it came a season too late. Now he's part of the A Team and nobody cares anymore.
Mona: I never would've guessed it was you, ha! 😉 *oh wait* 😱 Are you here to kill me?
I love how Mona's first reaction was starstruck joy at finding out A's identity. The realization that A came here to kill her was only a secondary priority.
BOYCOTT the Ezria blockbuster.
We time travel to one year later, where Aria seems to have misplaced her pants. I love how Ezra is covered up in long sleeves and multiple layers, while Aria is like FLAUNTING MAH SEXY LEGS.
In an ideal timeline, we'd flashforward to a year later to find Aria dabbing her tears with a handkerchief at Ezra's gravestone. Sadly, he's still alive, they're still engaged, and their royal wedding is still happening at the end of the episode. We're also subjected to some annoying cutesy banter between the two of them, i.e. "UR SUCH AN UGLY CRIER LOL JK!!!" Ugh, these Ezria scenes. I get my hopes up during every time skip thinking there's gonna be some kind of time travel ripple that causes certain characters to never exist. Can we please fast forward to an X number of years later until we arrive at a timeline when Ezra is finally dead?
Ezra and Aria are acting smug because their shitty book is being adapted into an even shittier film. OMFG WHAT IS DIS GARBAGE! I urge all of us to stand together with your most hateful picket signs and let's protest this Ezria summer blockbuster! #BoycottEzriaMovie
Seriously, what the fuck? Why is Ezra so damn successful!? It infuriates me that his novels are only so popular because of Nicole's disappearance. If it wasn't for her, nobody would buy his shoddily written tragedy porn. I just don't understand how anybody could support an author who monetized his ex-girlfriend's trauma, yet abandoned her during her time of need so he could marry the high school student that he preyed on. C'mon, Twilight readers. C'mon, 50 Shades readers. You're better than Ezra Fitz. I fucking hope Rotten Tomatoes gives his movie a 0% score when it's released to empty cinemas across the world.
Aria: Can we just take a second to appreciate this Robert Redford, Barbra Streisand, The Way We Were moment?
Ezra: Didn't they break up in that movie?
Aria: Oh, yeah, but in my head the new wife dies and they just get back together.
Ezra started guffawing because Aria expressed that callous remark so casually. I thought she was joking as well, until Aria turned around and asked: "What? What's so funny?" in a completely earnest tone. OMG, that's when I realized Aria is lacking so much in empathy that she doesn't realize wishing death upon somebody is considered inappropriate. This bitch and her psychopathic behaviour kinda scare me sometimes. "What? I don't like her, so I want her dead. What's wrong with that?"
OMG. And then the WEIRDEST MOMENT happened when Ezria started kissing and a whole cart of people just drove past to take pictures of them smooching. WTFFFFFFF!? Good god, these crazy Ezria fans have taken their fandom to the next level. They're going mobile, sneaking into the studio set, and downright stalking their favourite couple from two feet away.
The scene felt so surreal that I thought Mona was still trolling us and this was part of her hallucination too lol. It was just so weird to see a bunch of random civilians hold up their phones and camcorders as if Ezra and Aria were like some tourist attraction at Universal Studios. Any moment now, you can hear the tour guide announcing on the speaker phone: "Please, no flash photography, and remember not to feed the animals."
How hilarious would it be if these tourists were actually a recurring thing throughout the episode? Okay, I would have LOVED that. I wanted the tour bus to drive past this Spoby reunion and the fans can take a million pictures of them too. Smile! Say cheese! Do a pose! Next stop: SPOBY. Please be patient, Emison and Haleb fans, your stops are coming soon!
During the time skip, Toby humblebrags that he had spent the past year doing humanitarian work with Jason in Africa. Oh, I just finished building a well for an impoverished village in Karambe, but enough about me, what have you been doing with your life Spencer?
Sadly, we don't get to see Jason during the finale, but it was nice to hear second-hand tales of our Jesus Christ spreading his joy and goodness across the world. And in the beginning of Genesis, Jesus DiLaurentis said "Let there be water in Africa!" and a magical vault between the waters sprang forth to His creation.
Spencer has been a busy bee in the last year. Besides going to law school, working as a paralegal, and running an inn, she also developed a BFFmance with her horse. Spencer thinks very highly of her animal husbandry skills and claims she’s the official horse whisperer. Stand back! Don’t touch it! Only she and she alone can tame Bashful the Antisocial Horse!
Naturally, Toby comes over, forms an immediate connection with the horse, and Bashful is already broing it up with him in less than five seconds. Hey Spencer, do you mind leaving me and my new BFF alone? Nobody likes a third wheel.
Like a totally obsessed ex-girlfriend, Spencer ended up buying Toby's old truck off eBay. *omg who even does that* Or so we thought it was Toby's truck, until Recap Everything did some forensic investigation and spotted the differences between the two vehicles. The mirrors! The wheels! The slightly different colours! GASP U GUISE, I don't think this is Toby's car at all, but this is actually ITS EVIL TWIN!!! 🚙🚙
That's right, Pretty Little Liars is so damn obsessed with twin twists that even the car has an evil lookalike counterpart. WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE ORIGINAL TRUCK, A.D.!?!? WHERE ARE YOU HOLDING IT HOSTAGE!?!? 😱
Going into the finale, Spencer and Toby were the only pair who still hasn't coupled up yet, leading to a lot of will-they-or-won't-they moments between them. And by that I mean *will they* or *won't they* hook up before the first commercial break, because you know the inevitable Spoby reunion is happening no matter what. At first, the two of them were coyly flirting with each other. Toby was making casual conversation like "nice weather huh?", until Spencer dropped all pretences and just hit on him with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.
Spencer: You wanna take me back to your room?
I spat out my drink, y'all. This bitch is SO FORWARD. I do love a woman who knows what she wants. She wants that diq and she wants it nao. Geddit gurl!
Hilariously enough, Toby only took Spencer to his room so that they could play Scrabble together. *lol nerrrrds* Anyway, it was a cute little Spoby moment until Spencer laid down some tiles and that neanderthal Toby was like *durrrr me caveman me dunno words*.
Spencer: It's the leaves of a shrub that you chew like tobacco.
Toby: Oh, okay. Still reading the dictionary for fun, I see.
OMG Toby is such a sore loser at this game lmao. This guy feels intellectually inferior, so he resorts to making snide digs to cover up his bruised ego. Dude, don't hate on Spencer just because she knows the word QAT and you only know the word CAT.
I thought the sexy Scrabble foreplay was gonna lead to a steamy Spoby romp, but in the next scene Toby was passed out and snoring away on his bed. Dude, what are you doing!? You could've gotten laid tonight! Spencer is literally in your motel room, sitting on your bed, making come-hither eyes at you...and the dude was like *ugh spending time with spencer is such a snoozefest, lemme go to sleep*. Can you believe the Spoby shippers were robbed of a sex scene just because Toby was too bored and decided to take a nap???
Poor Spencer didn't get any action tonight because her love interest was such a dud. Feeling sexually frustrated, she had to use the Scrabble tiles to spell out a coded message just so Toby would get the hint. How many points do you get from spelling out *BRING A CONDOM* in Scrabble?
Will you be my lawfully wedded spinoff co-star, Emily?
Alright, let's talk about Emison even though I don't have a lot to say about them. Disclaimer alert, I've been stanning these two since forever, but their perfect domestic bliss is total snoozeville. While I'm glad to see representation of two lesbian parents with their adorable baby daughters (Grace and Lily DiLaurentis), I just find their whole Stepford lifestyle completely devoid of drama. The other PLL couples aren't that much interesting either, but at least they have conflict and tension in their storylines. The only drama that Emily & Alison have is *who's gonna pick up the twins from daycare*.
We all know there's definitely gonna be an Emison spinoff coming soon, but I pray to god they find an angle to make this couple interesting to watch. I wanna see the evil demonic twins biting off Alison's hand during breastfeeding. See, that kind of drama I can get behind.
I guess there was some manufactured storyline about Emily feeling suspicious because Alison and Mama Fields were keeping SEKRITS from her. At first, I thought the big secret was that Pam had a terminal illness just because of the weirdly worded dialogue. Remember when everyone thought Emily was sick in Season 6B? I got déjà vu vibes with Pam all over again. Ever since Papa Fields died, there's a subconscious part of me that believes Emily and her mom might have health problems as well, so cancer is always my go-to storyline for them lol.
But then, we see Pam & Ali giggling while holding hands, at which point my suspicions darkened. And then it hit me. I put two and two together to realize the scandalous truth: Pam and Alison were having a SECRET AFFAIR ZOMG. 🔪💕👭
Oh my goodness. Can you imagine if Alison and Emily's mom were actually an item!? Pam would've gone from being a homophobic parent in the first season to becoming a secret lesbian mistress in the final season. Talk about an epic character arc for the ages. If it had happened, this would've been the first time all PLL fans are blindsided by a plot twist. The more I think about it, the more I want this forbidden romance to be real. As the charter founder of this incredible crack ship, I officially declare PAMISON is a far superior couple than EMISON.
Emily threw a massive bitch fit over all the SEKRITS, until Alison confessed her secret was actually a surprise engagement ring for Emily. My first reaction was *OMFG NOT ANOTHER DAMN WEDDING*. Having one marriage is a special occasion, having two marriages is a boring cliché, but having three marriages is just an excessive overload. Actually, it's a total of four marriages if you include Yvonne's, but lol when has dat bitch been included in anything?
Enough is enough, Pretty Little Liars! Why are they all getting married at the same time!? I understand your show is ending, but it doesn't mean every single couple has to rush to the altar before the end of the world. Hurry, you must put a wedding ring around my finger or we won't be able to live happily ever after!
The only person who might be excited about the matrimonial orgies is Holden, who had the foresight to go into this profitable industry. Can you imagine how much money this guy is making off the pretty little bridezillas? Every time one of the liars gets engaged, Holden happily adds another zero to the end of his bank statement.
Alison: When I was at my most lonely, unhappy, angry place, you loved me. When I was an ugly human being, you saw a beautiful soul. You make the world a better place because you saw the good in it. And you made a better woman because you searched for one. Do you promise to do that everyday for the rest of our lives?
Yeah, I'm genuinely happy for Emison, but I just wish the occasion felt more special. When you've already seen fifty other engagements this season, it's hard to get excited over another one. In all fairness, at least this was a more sentimental proposal than *let's get hitched so we don't go to jail* and *please marry me before you croak* and *i have loved you from the moment i laid eyes upon your teenage breasts in my classroom*.
Emison may have given birth to twins, but did you know they have a *third* love child separated at birth? Meet Emerson, introduced to us as one of Alison's students, whose most notable feature is how similar his name sounds to Emison. He has the type of name you'd expect to find in an Emison fanfic. "Hi, we're Emison and this is our child Emerson!" Okay, look me in the eye and tell me that statement didn't make you giggle.
I guess *Lily* and *Grace* and okay names, but they don't exactly match with Emily and Alison. That's why I believe Emison should abandon their existing babies and adopt Emerson instead, thus forming the super fandom family with the perfectly aligned names.
Unfortunately, I'm sorry to report that Emerson is being bullied in school, and the perpetrator of such bullying is done by none other than Alison DiLaurentis.
Alison: *asks her students a question*
Emerson: *raises his arm to answer* 🙋🙋🙋
Alison: Emerson, maybe you should give somebody else a chance?
Stop picking on nerds, Alison! I, for one, am outraged to watch her humiliate and silence Emerson for displaying an intellectual spirit. This moment reminded me of how she used to bully Loser Mona, and it goes to show you Ali is still the same *mean girl* after all these years. Wait until the school board administrators hear about you bullying your own students, tsk tsk.
Besides bullying her students, Alison is also poisoning their minds by including Ezria's trash book into the school curriculum. Even years later, Ezra still finds a way to creep into classrooms and violate innocent teenagers.
Addison: Isn't your friend the reason the book doesn't have a happy ending? She stole Ezra from Nicole. They were hooking up while she was rotting away...
Alison: That's enough, Addison!
Alison might try to censor the truth in her totalitarian classroom, but you can't change the reality that Aria held Ezra at gunpoint and forced him to pick her over Nicole. The reason why Ezria's book doesn't have a happy ending is because Prince Charming rescued Snow White only to immediately cast that bitch aside to marry the wicked witch instead.
Okay, real talk. Nicole Gordon might seriously be the MOST TRAGIC CHARACTER in PLL history, right? I know the show likes to pretend that *Charlotte* and *Mary* have these sympathetic sob stories, but those evil bitches kinda deserve the misfortune in their lives?
On the other hand, Nicole was a genuinely good person (she participated in humanitarian efforts before Jason and Toby started doing it to be cool) who had to endure through some devastating circumstances. She was kidnapped and tortured for years, only to return to a world where her One True Love had betrayed her for a wily temptress. The fact that Ezria's book doesn't have a happy ending is a chilling indicator that Nicole still hasn't recovered psychologically after Ezra left her for Aria. Holy shit, this chick's life is DARK AS HELL. Stay strong, Nicole! Recap Everything will stay by your side even if Ezra won't! 😢
Just because Addison came to Nicole's defense doesn't mean she's suddenly a righteous force of good. She's still the same vile, witless, foul-mouthed piece of fecal stain with an air of homophobia in all her remarks. When Alison calls out this bitch in the classroom, it didn't take long before Addison had to resort to her shitty schoolyard insults: *OMG SHUDDUP LESBO HEHEHEHE*. Umm okay. Thank you for your input, Miss Derringer.
I could go on an explosive rant describing how much Addison sux, but all my feelings about dat flop bitch can be summed up into one concise eyeroll from Emerson. OMG, did anyone catch this legend rolling his eyes after Addison called Ali a lesbo? My thoughts exactly, Emerson. This is how I feel every time Addison has a scene in PLL: *insert Emerson's face here*
Alison: *grabby hands* You may think you're winning the battle, but I'll win the war.
Addison: Careful, Ali. You don't wanna leave a bruise. I can bury you with that. But then again, it wouldn't be the first time somebody buried you.
Okay, is Alison supposed to be a teacher or is she some kind of gangster thug? Like, I totally understand the impulse to smack the awful bitch, but Ali is an adult stooping to a teenager's level in a petty high school feud. Why does she even bother with Addison? Just send the bitch to the principal's office and don't let her occupy your mind. Addison is a COMPLETE NOBODY. I feel INSULTED that I must waste time writing about her. STOP acknowledging her existence.
Alison: Between the two of us, we have to know someone who knows someone who can take care of her.
LMAO. On one hand, I think it's utterly *ridiculous* Alison feels so shook by a high school student that she's threatening bodily harm upon her. On the other hand, I think it's utterly *hilarious* to hear about Alison's underground mafia connections that will put a hit on Addison and make her sleep with the fishes. Pssst, Recap Everything knows a guy who knows a guy who can dispose a dead body for no additional fee. Here's the business card... Her name is Mona, duh.
I think I'm supposed to care about Addison, or her bitchy friends, or some random girl they're bullying. These pretty little wannabes look so blandly generic that I can't tell which one is which. One of them wears glasses! One of them is Maya's niece! One of them is called Ava! One of them never speaks!
Word on the street is that they might be connected to the new The Perfectionists show from Marlene King. Does the world really need another TV series about a clique of bitchy teenage girls doing a lot of bitchy teenage things? I wonder if this is gonna happen every seven years, and they're just gonna reboot the cast each time with the exact same premise. Fifty years from now, we'll be on our eighth reiteration of Pretty Little Liars, featuring another descendant from Maya's dynasty who must solve the disappearance of her bitchy friend Afroson.
Addison's only purpose in life is to get repeatedly owned by superior characters. ENTER JENNA, who's randomly a teacher at this high school. Addison behaved like an asshole as usual and mocked her teacher's disability: *hehehe i'm waving my hand but you can't see me*, only for Jenna to grab her arm and snatch her wig with one mere sentence.
Jenna: I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO SEE, BUT I CAN *SMELL* *THE* *BITCH* FROM A MILE AWAY!!!
LMAOOOO. With her lightning reflexes and her psychic sense of smell, our blind martial artist queen can conquer her enemies and put each pesky little bitch in their place. What we witnessed was Jenna ENDING Addison in every sense of the word. Her whole life, her philosophical being, and even her atomic structure have been destroyed by Your Majesty, Queen Jenna.
As if it wasn't enough that she already eviscerated the bitch, Jenna went the extra mile and contacted Veronica because she's gonna SUE Addison as well. I don't even know what is the basis of this lawsuit, unless it's actually possible to sue somebody for being too big of a bitch???
In any case, I fully support Jenna's motion to exploit whichever legal loophole that will bankrupt Addison's family and maximize any jail time she deserves. Where do I sign the petition? In fact, I'm next in line to file a cease and desist on Addison's entire existence.
BTW, Jenna working as a life skills teacher at the high school was a very *inspired* storytelling decision. Professor Jenna found her true calling in life, teaching young recruits about the joys of communist education. Can you imagine what her classes are like? Hundreds of students sit around a large cauldron, all dressed in the mandatory uniform, reading in monotone as they recite the passages of Jenna's legacy from their textbooks. Say no more, where do I register to be a student?
Pretty Little Liars missed a trick by not hiring Jenna as a schoolteacher earlier in the season. Let's fantasize about a high school terrorized by Alison, Jenna, and Psycho Paige (and Emily too, I guess). Each teacher will train their own army of students to infiltrate and attack the other empires. Oh man, the ratings would've skyrocketed once PLL switched genres from a silly teen soap opera into an intense historic war epic.
Sorry Hanna, but my hatred for Mona surpasses my love for you.
So far, this finale has been way too lovey-dovey with all the happy couples getting along and singing kumbaya around the campfire. There was a very real possibility that the final Pretty Little Liars episode would solely consist of relationship scenes and sex montages for two hours straight.
Ezra: Aria knows I'm more excited for the honeymoon than the wedding... 😜
Ugh, so gross. Nobody wanna hear whatever freaky sexcapades you two weirdos have planned. Out of all the couples, Ezria gotta be the most insufferable flaunting and bragging about their wedding in every scene, not to mention the bajillion parties thrown in their honour. OMFG, this episode TRIED me with the endless parade of Ezria celebrations. It was like my worst nightmare, how many more Ezria moments must I endure before I'm finally driven insane?
After the marching band, the parade floats and the fireworks ceremony, the ongoing Ezria wedding festivities continued with a joint bachelor-bachelorette party. At the party, the group hears a loud ruckus in the background, which prompted this following exchange:
Aria: What was that!?
Alison: There's a church camp across the lake...
Spencer: Noisy Christians.
lol @ PLL throwing random shade out of nowhere. I see you, Marlene, and I see what you did with that subtle jab at the basket of deplorables. *teehee*
During the party, Hanna was extra touchy listening to Ezria’s smug wedding stories. Since Caleb was too much of a cheapskate, the two of them never did anything special after they eloped. Now, Hanna is full of regrets because she missed the opportunity to have the full bridezilla experience. It could’ve been me picking out ugly bridesmaid dresses for my friends to wear, not Aria!
Oh my gawd, Haleb's exchanges were soooo awkward. Hanna would say shit like "We never had a honeymoon!" or "You only married me to escape jail!", while Caleb just rolled his eyes and gulped down an entire bottle of chardonnay. You can tell there was tension between them, but everyone just swapped nervous glances and didn't wanna get involved. Except Spencer, who sat back and almost suppressed a smirk. Serves you right, that's what you get for choosing a high-maintenance wife over me!
Spencer: What's going on? I'm not trying to take Caleb's side here, but...
Hanna: Then don't!
Does anyone feel like Spencer has NO business sticking her nose into Haleb's relationship? Why is this bitch giving out advice when she should be the last person to get involved in their love life? Normally, most people learn to stay away from their exes after breaking up, but Spencer is the exact opposite and considers herself the honorary third member of Haleb. "Hey, I hooked up with Caleb before, so I get a say in his other romances too!" No, Spencer, no. Please respect your restraining order and keep your distance from Haleb's relationship outside of a twenty-mile radius.
Hanna and Caleb have been arguing a lot lately, especially over Mona. Hanna wanna support her friend after being released from the mental institute and Caleb is like *released from the mental institute!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?* It's incredible that Mona murdered two people in cold blood and they still allowed her to return to civilization. And here I thought she'd get locked away for life, but apparently you get three strikes before you suffer any consequences.
Mona took a page from Charlotte's handbook by pleading insanity and then pretending she's a reformed goody-two-shoes who would never hurt a fly. But even Charlotte had to wait five years before they released her crazy psychotic ass, whereas Mona only went in there for a few hours, got her nails done, and then came back out again.
Can you blame Caleb for throwing a hissy fit when Hanna suggested that Mona should live with them? Bitch thinks they're some wacky Three's Company sitcom living arrangement, where a laugh track plays every time Mona accidentally kills somebody. Caleb is worried because this fucker knows he's on the top of Mona's hit list. She tried to kill Alison. She already offed Charlotte. She's targeting her enemies systematically one by one and Caleb's assassination attempt is next.
Hanna: Hey, where's Mona?
Caleb: I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN! I'M CALLING THE COPS! 👮
Mona goes missing for two seconds, and Caleb is freaking out so much that he's on the phone calling the SWAT team to rescue his life. Turns out Mona was just taking a shower, but Caleb is already screaming for help and running for the emergency exit.
Caleb: Hanna, we need to talk about this!
Hanna: Fine. Talk. But can you do it at a low volume? You're scaring my ovaries.
As if it wasn't stressful enough having a murderer live in the room next to yours, Hanna and Caleb are also trying to get preggers. Hanna's fertility ritual involves lying on the bed with her feet up against the wall so that the Haleb babies will slide down into her ovaries. And if that doesn't work, I'm sure Emily has a few spare eggs lying around somewhere, so let's put them into Hanna's kitchen and make some omelettes.
Caleb: Hanna, I'm a passenger in our marriage! With Sylvia Plath as our new roommate, and even my sex drive is dictated by your ovulation app!
Now we know why the two of them are so cranky all the time, it's because they aren't getting laid. Do you know what Haleb's fertility struggles remind me of? I don't know if any of you watched The Handmaid's Tale on Hulu, but the similarities between the two shows are uncanny. Mona is one of the poor handmaids who must live with the evil childless couple and they're gonna use her to get pregnant. It's no coincidence that Ofcaleb showed up at their doorstep dressed in red. Praise be, Commander Rivers, it is my life duty to bring the fruits of childbirth into your household.
Hanna is so supportive of Mona that she even brought her friend to attend Aria's rehearsal dinner. Hey Aria, you know what will really spice up your boring wedding? A KILLER ON THE LOOSE. As Hanna blabbed away trying to justify her social faux pas, Caleb and Ashley were having the most brilliant conversation on the side. The two of them communicated speechlessly through their eyes, but still managed to convey all their thoughts via knowing looks and suppressed eyerolls.
Hanna: Let's give Mona a second chance blah blah blah...
Ashley: *angry glare* *concerned glance* *side eye*
Caleb: *deadpan stare* *eyeroll* *defeated look*
Ashley: *empathetic gaze* *raised eyebrow* *flirtatious wink*
Ashley: Hanna, what were you thinking...
Alison: ARE YOU NUTS!?!?!?!?
Ashley: Ah, I'll let you take over from here.
Mama Marin tried to take a diplomatic approach to reprimand her daughter, but Alison just blurted out what everybody was thinking. Then again, this bitch is in no position to judge when she herself spent five years seducing a fraudulent doctor to get her psycho sister released. Um Ali, you're the trendsetter, remember? I want to remind everyone back when Charlotte was freed, Alison was like "OMFG RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE AT LAAAAST!" and Hanna was the one yelling *ARE YOU NUTS* at her.
Speaking of R U NUTZ, I totally forgot to mention about Alison's bangs earlier in the recap, but are you nuts indeed. When Alison debuted her new hairstyle at the start of the episode, I chalked it up as another weird fantasy element in Mona's hallucination, like Jenna with the weird horse except it's Ali with the weird hair. But oh my god, imagine my surprise to see Alison's bangs were actually part of the canon universe. WHY GURL WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF.
I eventually grew accustomed to Spencer's bangs, but Alison's were a little too intense for my faint heart. Why is it that every time they do a time skip on PLL, there's always somebody who ends up with unexpected bangs? Next time we fast forward in time, I expect to see Mona with bangs so long that she looks like the girl from The Ring.
Aria: Why would you bring her here!?!? WHY... WOULD... *YOU*... BRING... *HER*... TO… *MY*... REHEARSAL… DINNER!!! 😠😠😠
Aria has been pretty good at keeping her inner bridezilla under wraps so far, but oh my goodness she lost all control in this moment. Bitch was shooting dagger eyes, her body was trembling, and several blood veins may have burst. Even her voice lowered to an inhumanly octave as she chewed Hanna out. Gurl, chill out! It's not even the real dinner, but Aria is already losing her mind because of a tiny crisis. I pray for us all when the official day comes and somebody ruins her wedding by sneezing during her vows, this bridezilla is gonna FLIP. THE. FUCK. OUT.
Despite being confronted by every character with the exact same warning, Hanna continues to defy common sense and still believes there's some invisible, imaginary, inner goodness within Mona. Everybody deserves a second chance, even if we've been giving second chances to the demon imp for the eighteenth time already.
Emily: Hanna, the last time we saw Mona, she tried to push you off the bell tower.
Hanna: Yeah, and she feels bad about that!
GURRRRRL. I know she's your ride or die, but you seriously need to start setting some boundaries about the *dying* part. 😟
Originally, I wanted to commend Hanna for standing her ground and supporting Mona. She felt responsible for taking care of her friend, who didn't have anybody and was all alone in this world. (Sidebar: Where is Mama Vanderwaal? Probably locked up in an asylum herself, let's be honest lol.) As misguided as Hanna's actions were, I understood her sisterhood solidarity and I can respect that. I stand by you, gurl. Team Mona all the way.
Or that was until this traitorous bitch changed her mind halfway through the episode and turned her back on Mona. Caleb had given his wife an ultimatum: PICK *HER* OR *ME*, and Hanna chose to kick her friend's ass to the curb. Wow, I haven't seen this kind of betrayal since Anderson Cooper knocked over hordes of Trump supporters to be the first person to condemn Kathy Griffin for her controversy. Dayum gurl, she was your friend! Where your loyalty at!?
Queen Fitzgerald would never serve cocktail wieners, HOW DARE YOU!
It isn't enough Ezria got the dream wedding with white doves and rose petals, but all the characters must sing their praises and proclaim their love for the couple too. Even Aria's dad has to overlook his teenage daughter's sexual exploitation to join the Ezria celebrations.
Ezra: I never asked for your blessing. I never really felt you and Ella truly accepted me.
Byron: Instead of trying to make us happy, you've focused on making Aria happy. And she is. So yeah, you get my blessing. You had it for a while now.
STFU. Byron was being so goddamn extra sucking up to Ezra. Doesn't it feel like he's the one asking for Ezra's blessing rather than the other way around? I'm not surprised Byron became some last-minute Ezria fan because trash will always stan trash. 💩
Ezria's wedding festivities were boring the life out of me, but I was resurrected by the magnificent arrival of Queen Fitzgerald. Ezra's mom was easily the best part of the PLL finale and stole every scene she was in. Granted, she only appeared in a total of two scenes lol, but this legend still made more of an impact in thirty seconds than most characters do in their lifetimes.
Ezra: *on the phone* So, that was my mom. She's about to kill the party planner.
Throughout the episode, we hear these hilarious anecdotes of Dianne's epic meltdowns over the Ezria wedding. Such as how she'd verbally eviscerate some poor party planner for using paper plates instead of fine china. The way they described her, she sounded like an absolute nightmare from hell ...which only made me MORE hyped about meeting her again. *hehe*
Aria: Things definitely got a little tense when our mothers started discussing the seating chart.
Ezra: My mother almost threw a centrepiece at Ella's head.
Aria: Dianne said she knocked it across the room BY ACCIDENT. And I, for one, believe her.
Why do I find these horror stories of Dianne inciting violent rage towards Ella so hilarious? I can just picture her lifting a gigantic centrepiece, hurling it halfway across the room, and aiming at Ella's head with malicious intent. Damn, what a baller move. Even JFK's assassin didn't go around throwing projectile weapons with this much grit and conviction!
A horrifying scandal broke out at the rehearsal dinner, where Dianne was falsely accused of serving her guests cocktail wieners as an entrée. I AM OUTRAGED. Who would spread such HURTFUL LIES to slander Queen Fitzgerald's prestigious reputation!?
Dianne: I would never serve my guests cocktail wieners! Those are foie gras nuggets!
After overcoming the initial shock and disgust, Dianne consulted her lawyers, hired a crisis management firm, and scheduled a press conference to clarify that she would never serve commoner food at her event. What an insult to Dianne's gourmet palette of oysters and caviar cooked by the most acclaimed five-star chefs around the world. Seriously, cocktail wieners? Leave that shit food for the children's parties that you peasants throw at McDonald's, hmph!