Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 11
The endgame is near! Pretty Little Liars wants you to know the main theme of Season 7B is Endgame. Did I mention about endgame yet? Endgame, endgame, endgame. Repeat it with me one more time: ENDGAME.
PLL Recap: Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 11
Is everybody here? I know there aren't many of us left, but we might be the last group of survivors who are still watching Pretty Little Liars seven years later. All the other PLL fans dropped like flies, but we're the only ones to persevere and make it to the end. Along the way, there were a lot of tears, a lot of relationship drama, and a whole lot of boring filler, but we're still here and there're only ten more episodes left to go. Alright bitches, don't give up on the show now. Let's pinky swear and promise to watch this shit together until the end, okay?
Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like Spencer will be joining us for the final stretch of episodes, because this bitch is gonna be dead. There's no way she'd survive the fatal gunshot wound from the midseason finale, right? Even if her major organs stayed intact, she must've slowly bled to death by now. Hey ambulance driver, turn around because we aren't going to the hospital anymore. Let's just save ourselves the extra trip and go directly to the morgue.
Spencer, why are you wearing a fake arm sling?
Currently, Spencer is being carted off at the back of an ambulance with a paramedic, whose hardcore beard takes up 50% of the land mass on his face.
Random paramedic: Tell me your last name, Spencer! What's your mom's name!? Who's your mom!?!?
WTF??? Who's this random dude and why is he so bizarrely interested in Spencer's mother? There's a girl dying in front of him, but this aggressive paramedic only seems interested in harassing his victim with these personal questions. TELL ME WHO YO MOMMA IS BEFORE YOU DIE!!! Excuse me, Spencer is kinda too busy dying from her gunshot wound, so I don't think she has time right now to draw out a family tree for you.
After dropping such a large bombshell and confessing to being Spencer's mother, you'd think Mary Drake might stick around for her estranged daughter dying in the hospital. Instead, she has mysteriously vanished in the aftermath of the gunshot drama. This is no surprise considering Mary's extensive history in abandoning her children. If this bitch wasn't here for Spencer during those past twentysomething years, why start now? "I gave you up precisely because I don't give a fuck. Girl bye!"
Mary's whole routine is that she plops out the babies and then immediately chucks them away in the nearest disposal bin. In the animal kingdom, Mary Drake would be like a sea turtle that lays her eggs, buries them underground, and never returns to her nest ever again.
As for Jenna's whereabouts, I believe Hanna has the perfect explanation.
Aria: Where did Jenna go?
Hanna: Ugh. She probably walked into a closet. 😐
Heehee. Sadly for us, Jenna has gone into stealth mode after her shootout and we don't see a lot of her character this episode, other than a delicious cameo appearance near the end. I know I should probably recap the episode in chronological order, but fuck it I love this bitch too much and can't wait until the end to mention her. I'd also like to mention the promo for next week's episode, which is completely Jenna-centric, and I can already tell it's gonna be legendary. Mark my words and mark your calendar, watch the next episode because Jenna is gonna own everybody!
Wow, what an incredibly busy day at the local hospital! Toby was also brought in on a stretcher after he got into a freak car accident. At first, we all thought A must've tampered with the brakes, but it turns out Toby was just a shitty driver who got sideswiped by a deer in the middle of the road. Hey Hanna, looks like you've some company when the two of you take remedial driving lessons together lolz.
Just for extra emphasis: TOBY. GOT. KILLED. BY. A. FUCKING. DEER. *lmao* Okay, I know people do get killed from hitting deer IRL and I shouldn't make light of this issue, but omg death by deer is such a Toby way to die and I hope it's engraved in the epitaph on his tombstone.
When the PLL fans said they wanted Spencer and Toby back together, I don't think this is quite the Spoby reunion that they wished for. Poor Spencer is gonna die from her injuries, but at least she can take comfort in knowing that her beloved Toby will die at the exact same time in the emergency room next to hers. That's pretty romantic, right?
It's kinda like the modern day Romeo and Juliet where our two star-crossed lovers are finally reunited... Reunited on their deathbeds, that is. Even though our favourite couple couldn't be together when they were still alive, just know Spoby will rest in peace with their souls bound forever in the afterlife! *sobs* 😭
AND THEN ONE WEEK LATER! Spencer and Toby have made a full miraculous physical recovery. One moment ago, we saw them on the verge of death as they were being rushed into the ICU. In the next scene, they were perfectly alive, walking out and about, freely waving their arms and legs. You'd expect them to go through weeks of physiotherapy, but they were practically throwing footballs and doing ballerina twirls as if they weren't even injured at all.
Is there a technology in the PLL universe that allows the hospital patients to rapidly regenerate their broken body parts? They made Spencer's gunshot wound and Toby's car accident look so damn serious last episode, yet these were just gimmicky finale cliffhangers with no repercussions for our main characters. If a meteorite literally crashed the earth, all PLL would need to do is show a "One Week Later" time skip, where we'll see everybody trotting along fine and dandy.
The worst part is... (when I say 'the worst part', you should know it's actually the best part and also the funniest part lol) Spencer wearing that goddamn stupid sling around her right arm. My first question is what? My second question is why? And my third question is how? Okay, I thought she got shot in the chest? If so, then wtf is she doing with a broken arm? I swear I saw the bullet enter right there smack in the middle, but evidently there was some kind of seismic shift in the earth, causing the bullet to do a sudden u-turn at the last second and hit her arm instead.
After a while, Spencer didn't bother to keep up appearances anymore. She just took off her arm sling and threw it aside. Um okay, if she can remove it so easily, then why did dis bitch even feel the need to wear one in the first place? Was the arm sling just an optional fashion accessory? I swear, Spencer was even worse than Sara Harvey with her phony hand injuries. At least Sara kept up the charade for some time and wore the gloves everywhere she went. Spencer couldn't even make it through half the episode before dropping the faux disability act.
Spencer's fake arm sling is almost like Hanna wearing a fake engagement ring after she broke up with Jordan. Both of these accessories are completely unnecessary and nobody can figure out why the girls insisted on wearing them. Soon, we'll see Aria wearing a sombrero hat and Emily wearing Madonna's cone bra, which will make just as much sense as the arm sling or the engagement ring.
According to the police, the bullet that shot Spencer didn't belong to Jenna's gun, meaning she was actually being gunned down by TWO different firearms at the same time. *lol epic af* My first instinct tells me both gunshots came from Jenna, who must've been packing some heat and brought her entire gun collection just to kill the pretty little liars. I'm reminded of those shooter video games where your character can carry a weapon in the left hand, a different weapon in the right hand, and then you can switch between the two by simply clicking a button.
However, the more likely scenario is there were two different gunmen operating that night. And yup, both of them were trying to kill Spencer. This poor girl is like an open field shooting range and everyone can step up to fire a shot at her. Just stand in line, wait your turn, and you'll eventually get your chance to shoot at Spencer Hastings too.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot to talk about that Yvonne girl. Y'know, Toby's thingamajig or whoever she's supposed to be. In case anyone actually cares about her character, she survived the car accident but now the bitch is like comatose or whatever. The show calls it a medically-induced coma, but you and I both know it's totally plot-induced lmao.
It's really bizarre that Toby and Yvonne were inside the exact same vehicle and in the exact same car accident, yet he's strutting around with just a small scrape on his forehead while she's in critical condition hanging onto the last legs of her life support. Like how does that even work? Do the airbags in Pretty Little Liars only function properly for the main characters and not for the inconsequential nobody love interests?
Shockingly, nobody from the Hastings family visited Spencer even though she was shot and hospitalized a week ago. In fact, Spencer's parents decided they would finish off their two-week cruise vacation 🌴 before coming back to check up on their daughter. *lolwtf* Oh Spencer, sweetie, we're so sorry about what happened to you, but...you do know these cruise tickets don't come cheap. Just try not to die from your injuries and we promise to bring you a cool souvenir when we come back!
If it was my child who got shot, I'd immediately jump off the cruise, swim to shore, and then board the first flight back home no matter wherever the hell I was or whatever the hell I was doing before. Evidently, Papa and Mama Hastings had other priorities in mind. I thought Mary Drake was supposed to be a bad mother, but these folks are certainly in the running for the *worst parents ever* competition.
Veronica: Honey, what happened?
Spencer: Uh, Alison's husband wasn't a real doctor. Turns out he was a crook and took all her money. Noel Kahn kidnapped Hanna. She got away. Noel Kahn is now dead. Jenna Marshall shot me. Probably. Toby and Yvonne were in a car crash. You want a glass of wine?
That was the best Previously on Pretty Little Liars segment ever. I enjoyed listening to Spencer describe all the ridiculous storylines like a news reporter speaking in short, succinct sentences. It was also great how she casually lied about Noel kidnapping Hanna, so I guess that's the version of truth we're sticking with now. And oh btw, yes I would like a glass of wine please, thank you very much.🍷
Eventually, Spencer spilled the truth tea and confronted Mama Hastings about Mary Drake's confession. OMG WHO IS MY REAL MOMMY? YOU OR HER???
Spencer: She said you're not my mother, my birth mother, that she is.
Veronica: *stunned silence*
Spencer: Okay, now would be the time to make a strong statement of denial.
Veronica: MARY DRAKE IS CLINICALLY INSANE!!!
Spencer: That's not a denial.
Are we sure Veronica used to be a practicing lawyer because she kinda got murdered in the cross-examination by her own daughter? *DON'T LISTEN TO DAT HEFFA CUZ SHE'S CRAY* isn't exactly in the highest calibre of thoughtful and eloquent rebuttals.
Okay everybody, please grab some light snacks at the refreshments table and make yourself comfortable, because now it's time for STORY HOUR with Veronica Hastings.
Veronica: I was sitting in this room, working. And Jessica knocked on the door. I hadn't said five words to her since Jason was born. And there she was, like any neighbour. Come to borrow a lawnmower. Or a husband.
When Veronica first greeted her next door neighbours with "mi casa es tu casa", Jessica must've interpreted the translation as "my husband is your husband". To be fair, this could've worked both ways. I'm sure Jessica wouldn't have minded if Veronica exchanged the neighbourly favour and got it on with Papa DiLaurentis as well. You cheat with my husband and I cheat with yours!
Veronica: She started telling me she had a sister. A twin sister. A sister I never heard of. And then she told me Mary was pregnant. And I got this terrible, cold feeling in my stomach. She told me it happened before, but this time they know who the father was. Apparently, your father was in a restaurant when Jessica walked in. Or who he thought was Jessica.
LMAOHHHHH. Peter Hastings is confirmed messy as fuck. Not only is this pussy hound clueless about which twin he's sleeping with, but he's also clueless about birth control. You'd think he might learn to use protection after having one bastard child, but this mofo continues spraying his sperm over every woman and their sextuplet sisters too. While it might be funny that Peter is impregnating everybody with his super fertile sperm, with great sperm comes great responsibility. If you can't keep in yo pants, then you should have yo penis privileges taken away from you.
Spencer: Dad did this to you!? He did this to you AGAIN!?
Veronica: Some people have a great capacity for repeating mistakes...
That’s a very diplomatic way of saying PETER HASTINGS IS A WHORE. Let’s make it clear that Spencer’s father is a total PIECE. OF. SHIT. for being unfaithful to his long-suffering wife. Seriously, I don’t understand why he’d cheat on her. Your wife is Veronica Hastings, kween of the highest order, a smart, strong, successful woman that anybody would be lucky to marry. You have this amazing catch in your life, but then you go cheat on her with those two crazy basic bitches next door!? Fuck you & fuck your awful tastes, Peter Hastings.
Spencer: And you let him!? You were a part of it! And after all that!? You stayed with him! How could you do that!?
Ermmm... I don't quite understand why Spencer is placing the blame on Veronica of all people. Is she angry because Veronica was compassionate enough to adopt a stray child instead of sending Spencer to the orphanage? Is she angry because Veronica overlooked her husband's infidelity to provide a stable upbringing for her children? Or is she angry because Veronica lied about Spencer's past to shield her from the humiliating scandal? If only Mama Hastings knew that Spencer would repay her kindness with all this BACKTALK, maybe she shouldn't have bothered and just left that baby in the dumpster bin behind the mental asylum where she belonged.
OMG. I didn't think we would see the moment when Mama Hastings first adopted Spencer, but they actually filmed a flashback and it was frigging hilarious. You'd expect an ordinary adoption process with Spencer's parents picking up the baby at the hospital nursery. Instead, we get a very melodramatic segment where a 1940s gangster (!?!?) carries the baby in the heavy rain and speechlessly delivers it to Veronica waiting at the back of a car. LOL WUT IS HAPPENING. Did Veronica used to live in a different time era where she was a mafia boss who ordered her gangster henchmen to kidnap babies for her???
Of course, Baby Hastings 👶 completely stole the show by looking super duper adorable. There was a moment when the baby yawned and it was the cutest thing ever. *awww* After a few seconds, however, you can see the visible confusion and bewilderment start sinking into the baby's expression. WHERE AM I? WHO IS THIS WOMAN HOLDING ME? WHY ARE THERE ALL THESE CAMERAS? HELP!!!
Veronica: You were in this world for five minutes before I first held you. And I've been holding onto you ever since.
Spencer: Yeah, but you're not my mother!
Veronica: I am your mother! You know that!
Spencer: I don't know anything!
Okay, can somebody slap some sense into this petulant little brat? Spencer just said one of the shittiest things you could say to your adoptive mother. Excuse me, Mama Drake may have been the one who pushed you out of her vadge, but Mama Hastings was the one who raised you for the past twenty years. In my books, Mary is just the vessel and Veronica is your real momma whether you like it or not. Finding out you were adopted doesn't change anything. As America's Sweetheart Simone Biles once said: "My parents are my parents and that's it."
Nobody will stop the Ezria wedding! Not even you, Nicole!
Last episode, Ezra's ex-girlfriend was brought back from the dead as humanity's last hope to stop the Ezria wedding abomination. You have one mission, Nicole. I don't care what underhanded tactics you use to homewreck their relationship, whether it's laying a guilt trip on Ezra with your tragic sob story, or that you're suddenly pregnant with Ezra's miracle baby, or that you knock Ezra unconscious and chain him up in your basement. Girl, you gotta do what you gotta do, as long as you stop this wedding from happening. We're all counting on you!
In a rare moment of self-awareness, Aria knew she shouldn't compete against Nicole for Ezra's affections, so she quietly packed her bags and decided to leave his apartment. Good! Close the door behind you and never come back! Unfortunately, Ezra coaxed her into staying. Hey Aria, keep living here because I need a free housekeeper to tidy up while I'm gone spending all my time with Nicole in New York!
Aria: Was she hurt? Nicole?
Ezra: She broke a few bones when she was abducted. They didn't heal properly, so they have to break and reset them.
How can Aria hear what happened to Nicole and still think it's OK for her to call dibs on Ezra? If she has one ounce of charity in her body, she'd instantly forfeit her fiancé to Nicole. This whole storyline feels like I'm watching Aria occupy a disability parking spot or steal a seat on the bus from the elderly. I don't enjoy seeing the overprivileged take away from the underprivileged. How does Aria sleep at night trying to compete against a physically abused & emotionally traumatized victim!? Gurl, just give your concession speech and walk away with some dignity!
There wouldn't be so much drama if Ezra could simply commit to one of these girls, but he's being really wishy-washy and kinda stringing along both of them. His current dilemma would be interesting if I was actually invested in these relationships, but I hate Ezria and I barely know Nicole, so I'm just bored by this storyline as they drag it on and on until the inevitable conclusion. My feelings are that I don't care if Ezra chooses the Big Mac or the Quarter Pounder, just order something from the menu and let's all move on with our lives.
Hanna encourages Aria to go ahead and plan her wedding anyway. It doesn't matter if Ezra is helping Nicole recover in rehab right now, just trample over that bitch's feelings and give her even more trauma to stew over. Now's your chance, Aria! Kick your rival while she's still down!
Hanna: Did Ezra say he wanted to postpone the wedding?
Aria: We didn't talk about it...
Hanna: Then proceed with Plan A. Aria, you're gonna plan this wedding and it's gonna be waiting for him while he says goodbye to Nicole. *smugly* And trust me, he will say goodbye to her.
Hanna's advice sounds a lot like the same strategy she used against Spencer. As long as you steamroll ahead and act like a ruthless bitch, you'll get your man in the end. And trust me, he *will* say goodbye to her. [/Machiavellian laugh]
OMG. The biggest plot twist of the episode happened when Holden made a cameo appearance and showed up as Aria's wedding planner. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he returned or the fact that I still remembered who his character was. It was just so random that such an irrelevant nobody from Season 2 suddenly appeared in an episode years later. Holden disappeared off the face of the earth one day, like a missing person who got raptured on The Leftovers, but now he miraculously fell outta the sky again!
Seeing Holden gives me hope that we'll see more random nobodies from the ghost of PLL's past. I've a list of which minor characters should return: that bitchy girl from Mona's French club, that cute waiter from Alison's prom, some guy called Eddie Lamb, and who can forget Jackie, Ezra's ex-girlfriend before there was a Nicole. I remember all of these PLL superstars!
The other plot twist of the episode is that Holden came out as a homosexual. Okay, he didn't officially publish a cover story with an I'M GAY announcement on People magazine, but my gaydar was pinging so much during his scenes. Based on their interactions so far, I get the feeling Aria will think Holden is hitting on her, only to be left humiliated when she finds out he bats for the other team. This sounds like such a typical Aria Montgomery storyline, right? *lol gurl*
Remember the time when Marlene King confirmed there'll be a gay guy on PLL? Ever since then, I've been on the lookout sniffing for any traces of the rainbow in the new male characters they introduced. A ton of dudes came and went, and I've almost quit looking after chalking it up as another one of Marlene's BS lies, until Holden burst into the scene and exclaimed effervescently, "Aria Montgomery!" And from that moment on, I knew we've finally found our gay unicorn.
Holden: So, who's the lucky guy?
Aria: That would be...Ezra.
Holden: No kidding! And they say high school romances don't last.
LOL. I'm enjoying the low-key sass that Holden is serving. Obviously, he couldn't outright insult one of his potential customers, but his backhanded compliment must've hit a sensitive spot for Aria and she had to smile through her cringe. However, if Aria thought Holden's comment was cringeworthy, then just wait until she puts together her wedding guest list and realize it comprises of all the students Ezra taught in his classes. Somebody call off the high school reunion, because it's already being held at Ezria's wedding! I wonder if Principal Hackett gets an invite? *lolawks*
Holden: So, what type of bride do you envision yourself? Spring? Autumn? Or half-price November through March bride?
Um holy crap, did Holden just say Aria was half-price!? *lmao* Like, did I hear it wrong or did he basically just call her a cheap bitch to her face? No wonder Holden has to offer his services at half the price because this is the quality of customer service you can expect from him. Good thing Aria was dozing off and barely paying any attention to her filler storyline or else she would've realized she just got dissed.
Aria can't answer Holden's wedding questions because she hasn't discussed anything with her fiancé. Have they picked a date? IDK. What is their budget like? IDK. Where will their venue be? IDK. Common sense dictates that since Aria is so unprepared, not to mention Ezra is so preoccupied, she should perhaps put the brakes on her wedding and wait for a better time. Despite all the evident red lights and stop signs, Aria still insists on going FULL STEAM AHEAD WITH MY ROYAL WEDDING!!! No, I don't have my whole life ahead of me to get married! I must marry Ezra right this instant!
Who else thinks Aria's urgency stems from her insecurities over Nicole? The longer she holds off this wedding, the more opportunities she gives that homewrecker to strike. That's why Aria is in such a rush to reach the altar. Getting married to Ezra is like an Olympic race and she must beat Nicole to the finish line!
Unfortunately, Ezra's ex-girlfriend seems to be winning the race for his attention so far, because he'll drop everything and run off to see her in a moment's notice. I'm not even clear why she needs him by her side all the time, but I applaud Nicole for abusing whatever dark powers she has over Ezra and making him beckon to her every command. Just watch it be Ezria's wedding day, and he'll pause in the middle of saying his vows, simply because Nicole called and needed him there to hold her hand during a scary movie. Sorry Aria, but I can't ignore my Batman signal, I gotta go!
Holden: Who's Nicole?
LOL. Does anybody appreciate the irony of Holden asking this question? Like, here's a total nobody asking about another fellow nobody. It's especially funny when most of the PLL viewers are looking at this guy and asking: "Erm...who's Holden?" I mean, I'm forced to know who Nicole is because they keep mentioning that bitch's name every episode for the past two seasons, but who the frick is Holden!?
Meet the future fashion superstar, Hanna Marin.
To this day, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that Lucas gave Hanna a million dollars just because he got the hots for her. All she had done was wear a couple of tight dresses around him, which was enough to arouse Lucas and he made her into a millionaire. *lolwut*
It's even more mind-boggling to know that he gave her a free apartment to live in, an apartment that she has been sexing it up with Caleb every single day and night. Just think, Lucas paid for this place, that bed, and those sheets for Haleb to fornicate on. How does he put up with this living arrangement? Is he not even a little bit jealous? Dude, you've been giving money to Hanna so that she and her boyfriend can spread their STDs over your residence. It's like Lucas paid for this playboy mansion, yet Caleb is the one reaping all the sexual benefits.
One thing I can say about Hanna is that she seems grateful for the opportunity and has put some effort into starting her fashion line. It's nice to see that she does give a damn about her work, considering the bitch could've easily spent her line of credit on hookers and blow instead.
Caleb: There was a time you wanted this so badly that it broke us up.
Hanna: I would never let that happen again.
Did anyone catch that moment when Caleb low-key blamed Hanna for the failure of their relationship? GURL BYE. *side eye* I wanna emphasize how Lucas offered his financial support because he believed in Hanna and wanted her to fulfill her dreams, whereas this fucking greasy loser is talking her down and disparaging her ambition. Haleb's relationship has gotten so toxic that I pray for Hanna every night to start loving herself because girl you deserve better. ☹
I also wanna point out how badly Caleb is mooching off Hanna. Here's this unemployed bum squatting at her apartment and living off her million dollars. "Hey, I've a rich girlfriend! I don't need to work!" seems to be his new mentality. We often see Caleb doing nothing in the middle of the day. His daily activities include laying around in bed, not shaving his chest, browsing porn on his laptop, and occasionally sweettalking Hanna so that she'll give him a weekly stipend.
Again, I feel the need to compare him to Lucas, because here's this self-made millionaire and here's this self-made welfare mooching rat. I continue to be amazed that Hanna is given two apples, one good and one bad, yet she insists on eating the rotten one when there's a perfectly pristine and perfectly rich apple right next to her.
Going to fashion school paid off for Hanna, who cultivated an artistic talent that I never knew she had. In this episode, I was pleasantly surprised to see Hanna doodling and colouring in some really pretty fashion sketches. Everyone thinks Aria is the artsy fartsy one of the group, but it turns out Hanna is quite good at this crap too. I think I'm more shocked than anything that Hanna has a practical skill she's actually good at. I mean, that is if you consider drawing pictures of cute dresses as an essential life skill, which I TOTALLY do.
Even though Hanna is a virtually unknown fashion designer, Mona knows some people in High Places and can pull a few strings to help her friend launch a career in fashion. Lemme make a call to my homegirl Malia Obama and see if she'd be interested in wearing your dress for a gala!
Mona: I have a scathingly brilliant idea. Do you trust me?
Hanna: *mistrustful look* …sometimes.
Mona: Make this one of those times.
Mona asking Hanna if she trusts her was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek rhetorical question, right? I would hope the demon imp has enough self-awareness to know, gurl, that ship has sailed and sunk a long time ago.
I also wanna point out Mona's hilariously flippant reaction towards Noel's death. Imagine her say the following line with the biggest shit-eating grin, of course.
Mona: It's too bad about Noel! Noooo. Not really. 😀😀😀
Seeing Mona smirk with so much self-satisfaction over somebody's brutal death only makes me love her character more. I imagine this is exactly the same way she'd react had Spoby also perished during the episode. "Oh, it's too bad that Toby and Spencer died one after another! Noooo, not really." And as her enemies fall down one by one in front of her, Mona Vanderwaal smiles fiendishly and claps her hands in delight.
Before meeting with a prospective client, there was a cute moment when Mona tried to fix Hanna's hair, who slapped her friend's hand away, and the two of them ended up in a mini tug-of-war tussling over her locks. Mona reminds me of a pageant mom fussing over her kid's appearance before meeting with the judges: "Child, comb your hair! Don't embarrass me in public!"
Imagine my surprise when Hanna showed up to the meeting wearing a frumpy grey sweatshirt. Normally, she wears these extravagant ball gowns or the skimpiest cocktail dresses on any given day with no special occasion. On the one day that she needed to dazzle Chelsea Clinton about her fashion skills, Hanna decided to wear the plainest, homeliest outfit in her closet. The lack of effort was like her saying, "I don't need to impress the client, the client needs to impress me!"
Mona couldn't bag a meeting with her girls Malia or Chelsea, but she did manage to hook Hanna up with the daughter of a New York senator, Katherine Daly, who would love to wear her dresses. Okay, is this supposed to be Mona's official job? She befriends the daughters of famous politicians and helps them coordinate their fashion ensembles? What's her job title supposed to be? Political fashion coordinator?
It's a rather unconventional career, but I must admit that it's not the worst job in the world to help famous girls find pretty dresses to wear. I might be interested in this line of work. Does anyone know if I need a political degree to apply?
Katherine arrives at Hanna's studio (aka. her home) for a wardrobe fitting. I was slightly confused about this scene, because is she just trying out clothes from Hanna's closet or are we supposed to believe these are all dresses designed by Hanna? Considering we've never seen her near a sketchbook or a sewing machine until this episode, I've a difficult time believing she pulled off a whole rack of dresses out of her ass.
Did Hanna really design this shit herself, or did she knock off a few letters from Vera Wang and try to pass off those dresses as her own? Let's say if I look for the clothes in a PLL fashion blog, will I actually find the dresses under Hanna Marin's name or will the truth be exposed and I find them attached to another designer's name instead??? 😒
At first, Hanna was delighted when Katherine agreed to wear her dress for the ribbon cutting ceremony at the local convenience store or wherever. That was until she found out Mona had told a little white lie and tried to pass off this fashion label as her own. *lmao* As for Hanna? Oh, she's just some devoted little intern working for Mona, never mind her!
Hanna: Did you tell her this was your business!?!?
Mona: No. Never. It must be my natural aura of authority and knowledge.
I love how Mona managed to both lie and brag about herself in the same breath. Also, Hanna really should've known better than to trust the demon imp. Because whenever the devil does a favour for you, just know there's bound to be a catch.
Hanna: I just want my life back! I wanna make something beautiful. No more snarfing, no more shovels. I mean, this is the first time in my life when I thought I was doing something important.
Gurl wut. I think Hanna was being deadly serious and genuinely believed she's doing some important GOD'S WORK with her silly frivolous fashion designs. We have medical researchers working to cure malaria and humanitarian volunteers travelling to third-world countries to stop global famine, yet Hanna's fashion job ranks right up there in terms of importance. Oh, look at that visionary Hanna Marin, she's making an impact in the world with her craft and saving human lives one dress at a time!
Mona: There's no other motive, I promise. I was just excited for us to finally work together. You know, on something other than kidnapping my ex-boyfriend.
Hanna: CALL. KATHERINE.
Oh man, did anyone notice how Hanna's closest friends are all starting to change now that she has a million dollars? There's Caleb mooching off her fortune, there's Mona leeching off her success... It's only a matter of time before the pretty little liars sniff around the bank vault too. Soon, we'll be hearing dialogue like: "Hey Hanna, you mind covering the expenses for my wedding?" or "Hey Hanna, I'm suing you for the emotional trauma after you cheated with my boyfriend! Pay up!" All it takes is a little money in the bank and everybody's true colours are exposed. ☹
Alison vs. Paige: WORLD WAR THREE!!!
Let's offer our congratulations to Emily, who has a new job as the varsity swim coach at Rosewood High! I guess we should also congratulate Paige, who didn't get the coaching job, but the school hired her as the *athletic department supervisor* which is kinda like a pity consolation prize. Evidently, anybody can get a job at this school as long as they applied, and they'll even make up a job for you if nothing else fits. Other job positions available for Paige include: Hall Monitor, Washroom Attendant, and Cafeteria Line Supervisor.
Alison: Athletic supervisor? That's new. *sneers* Did they invent that job just for Paige?
LOL. My thoughts exactly, although it's a little rich coming from the unqualified teacher with the fake college diploma. Hey Alison, I don't think you should be the one talking shit when it comes to inventing imaginary jobs for totally undeserving candidates.
The drama began when Alison and Paige both signed up for the same school committee. As soon as Emily saw the registration sheet, the bitch was already doing damage control and tried to shut this shit down immediately. SOS! ALL UNITS ON STANDBY! WE HAVE A CRISIS!!!
Emily: Umm, I noticed you have Paige McCullers and Alison DiLaurentis on the same committee. I'm not sure that's going to be the most productive mix…
Not only is Emily the swim coach, but she also has a second job working as the diplomatic ambassador for the two warring powers that are Alison versus Paige. Forget what's happening between the US and North Korea, because some real nuclear shit is about to go down right here inside this staff lounge and poor, poor Emily is trying to defuse any tensions before a war erupts. Please put down your missiles, Alison! 😭 War is never the solution, Paige! 😭
Paige believed she could have a civil relationship with Alison. Obviously, nobody expected them to get along and share lunchboxes with each other, but at least they could behave like adults and rise above any petty personal drama. Alison's redemption arc for the past three seasons must've surely meant something and transformed her into a better person. Not even a much better person, just a tiny little bit better person than that horrible bitch at the start of the series.
As Paige extended the olive branch to her mortal nemesis, Alison snatched that branch, snapped it in half, threw it into her face, then charged forward and viciously headbutted her enemy to the ground. HAHAHA! LETTING YOUR GUARD DOWN IS A ROOKIE'S MISTAKE, PSYCHO PAIGE!!!
Let's take a moment to discuss about May Horowitz, the teacher who put Alison and Paige on the same committee together. She's a very important figure because history will remember her as the infamous woman who started WORLD WAR THREE. *omfg*
You might think Mrs. Horowitz is some harmless old woman unaware of the workplace politics around her, but she's the biggest shit-stirrer in the whole frigging school. Look at this evil mastermind who pitted Alison and Paige against each other in a confined environment where they're forced to interact. This bitch wanted conflict and she fucking got it. When the war breaks out and the death toll begins to rise, just know there is blood on your hands, Horowitz!!!
Okay, here we go. Let me just check if I've equipped my helmet and bulletproof vest properly, because I'm about to become a war correspondent and give a play-by-play analysis on the Alison vs. Paige battle. Wish me luck and that I will return from the war zone safely!
At the start of the committee meeting, Paige said a few words before Alison interjected with some veiled sarcasm, "I just wanted to say how great that Paige is taking the lead!" Paige was taken by surprise and feeling a little cautious, but she thanked her for the compliment. At this point, Emily was still oblivious and even smiling because her two girls were getting along. She hadn't detected that tone, those words, or the steely determination in Ali's eyes. Alison concealed her hostility so tactfully that nobody knew she launched the first strike against Paige. Her missile was already flying dangerously in mid-air and everyone was still looking at ground level, y'know?
Alison: Seriously though, it's such a step forward for you! You're really pushing your personal comfort zone!
Paige: It's not that big a deal...
Alison: Oh, don't be modest. Some of us remember what you used to be like. Don't we, Emily?
I love watching Emily's expression darken when it finally dawned upon her that Alison is attacking Paige, but it's too late for any of them to evacuate. OH NO, THE MISSILE IS GONNA DETONATE BUT THE BOMB SHELTER IS TOO FAR AWAY!!! LORD HAVE MERCY, WE'RE ALL GONNA GET HIT!!!
Alison: I mean, May, you remember when she was a student? I always wondered where all that aggression came from, stuff that made her such a great competitor.
BOOM. And just like that, we all died from Alison's stealthy bitch attack. I was left critically injured because Ali is such a humungous bitch that even innocent spectators are struck by the shockwaves of her intense bitchiness. The scariest part is that she's only getting warmed up. Once Alison launched her initial ambush, she's just gonna continue and keep firing all these shots at Paige. I hope you recovered from the first strike, because Alison is about to fly her bomber jets and drop a dozen more bombs your way!
May: I remembered she had a lot of team spirit.
Alison: Yeah, but it was more than that. Right, Emily?
It's not enough for Alison to lash out at Paige and belittle her for no reason, but she also seeks reinforcements to back up her bitchiness. She kept asking for validation from Emily and even Mrs. Horowitz (ohhh, I bet that bitch is loving all this drama, isn't she? 😎) as a blatant attempt to turn them against Paige. There's strength in numbers and Alison is trying to recruit as many allies as she could in the battlefield. Her mean girl tactics are so fucking ruthless that even Sun Tzu is rolling in his grave because he knows he can't compete with the great war commander, Alison DiLaurentis
Remember when Paige said she'll behave like an adult and promised there'd be no conflict? LOL FUQ DAT. Alison might be hitting below the belt, but Paige knows how to hit back just as hard!
Paige: I bet Mrs. Horowitz remembered you too, Alison. You're pretty unforgettable.
Alison: Thank you.
Paige: It wasn't a compliment.
What started out as a boring school committee meeting escalated into an epic bitchfight with Alison and Paige exchanging hilarious verbal blows at each other. When the news spreads around school about what transpired between these two bitches, everyone is gonna be begging to join Mrs. Horowitz's committee because they all want front row seats to the next MMA cagefight.
May: Why don't we take a five-minute break?
Alison: Sure, if Paige thinks she needs a break. I understand her feeling a little overwhelmed.
Emily: STAHP IT!!!! 😠
During the fight, Emily remained completely silent and didn't wanna pick a side, but Alison was behaving like such a supreme bitch that her most loyal lapdog can't pretend to stay neutral anymore. SHUT UR WHORE MOUTH, ALISON! WE GET IT, YOU HATE PAIGE, NOW ENUFF IS ENUFF! Alison just batted her eyelashes and looked innocent in response. She hasn't even touched her best material yet, but I guess she'll save all the *PIGSKIN!!!* insults for another episode instead.
Emily: What was that all about!?!? We were in a teacher's lounge, not the cafeteria before homeroom!
Bullying Paige wasn't a cute look during Alison's teenage years, but it looks even less cute when they're both supposed to be adults. On one hand, I enjoy Alison when she behaves like a raging bitch, because that girl has a honed craft and her shit is glorious to watch. On the other hand, I'm disappointed because I thought her character experienced personal growth. The past few seasons have been one long hypothesis proving Alison *is* capable of empathy, and just when we were so close to declaring she has a soul, this bitch undid all her years of goodwill with one scene proving she never changed. Gurl, I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you! 😭
Emily: See, this is the part of you that I HATE. When somebody gets close, it makes you itch. So, you swat people away like they're bugs.
Alison: Please. *makes a face* Just go away.
Emily: That's what you want me to do. God, Ali, why do we have to keep showing you we love you?
Emily was all over the place, telling Alison that she hated her in one moment and then professing her eternal love right afterwards. See, this is the part of you that I HATE: *points to Alison's heart... or where it's supposed to be if she actually had one* But see, this is the part of you that I LOVE: *points to Alison's fanny* The problem is that Emily hates Alison's personality parts, but loves the rest of her lady parts, which makes it tough to lust after her without being reminded of what a horrible person she is.
Emily: Ali, that other night you kissed me, is it because you wanted to or is it because you didn't want me to leave?
Alison: I don't know...
Emily: Please don't kiss me again. *pauses* Not until you know.
I love how Emily made such a bold statement about never kissing Alison again, but then realized she's screwing over herself with this arrangement, so she quickly backtracked and threw in a disclaimer to cover her bases. You can't kiss me again, not until it's a birthday, a holiday, an anniversary, a weekend, a weekday, or a weeknight!
Spoby gotta be endgame, bitches. – A.D.
ZOMG IT'S A BOARD GAME! A's latest twisted scheme involves an elaborate board game titled Liars' Lament. The board itself is a map of Rosewood, which is intricately designed with a miniature model of the town. I wish Hasbro or whoever would actually produce this board game in real life, because I kinda wanna play it with my pretty little friends too (with or without the sadistic torture and murdering parts...we'll see.)
Emily: It wants us to play...
Hanna: No, Em. It wants to play with us.
Unfortunately, A created such an awesome kickass board game but the liars are too freaked out to even touch the pieces. What's wrong with you girls!? This looks like so much fun! Let's all grab a bowl of popcorn, turn on some music, and call it a board game night!
Oh my god, let's talk about the pretty little liars and their board game counterparts! There's the Hanna game piece with the shoplifting lulz, there's the Aria piece with the pink hair and the leopard print jacket lmao, there's the Alison piece with the bright yellow frock, there's the Emily piece with the swim team uniform, and then there's the Spencer piece... Okay, her game piece is the only one I didn't understand. Is she smoking a cigar? Eating a chocolate bar? I can't figure out what she's supposed to be holding in her hand??? #unsolvedmystery #weneedanswersmarlene
Did I mention this was a fancy high-tech multifunctioning board game with sound effects, houses that light up, and an electronic gizmo remote control that always displays the appropriate messages with the most precise timing? It also knows after you completed a task in the game and can even print out envelopes from its dispensary slot. What the hell is this technological device that comes with so many different features with the extraordinary ability to sense what you're thinking at all times!?
Am I the only one who thinks the board game might be sentient??? Like R2D2 except trapped in the body of an evil psychotic board game. Holy hell, I remember the good old days when board games only required you to move the pieces up the ladder or down the chute, but why is A's game so damn futuristic and complex!?
*A.D. flashes an electronic message that says ENDGAME...BITCHES.*
Spencer: Fin de partie... Endgame. It means there're only a few pieces left to play and it's all over.
ARRÊT! Okay, Spencer Hastings needs an intervention. I've let it slide by a couple of times in the past, but I've had it with this bitch and her unusual tendency to go Francophone all of a sudden. Girl, what's your deal? Why do you parle en français at random times? It used to be that Spencer would only speak French when she's trying to flirt with Toby, but now this bitch has gotten outta control and she's just leaking out words in a different language for no reason. Is there a faulty translation microchip inside Spencer's robotic mind or something? Je ne comprends pas toi!
FYI, I've a premonition the word "endgame" is gonna be the most obnoxiously overused word in Season 7B. It's only the first episode and I'm already getting sick of hearing it everywhere. We hear the word in English, we hear the word in French, we even hear the word in Braille believe it or not. Endgame this, endgame that, endgame endgame endgame. Hearing the word ENDGAME one more time will be the END OF ME, I can assure you that. 😣
When A finally tempted Spencer into playing the game, I was quite excited to see how the rules would work. Let's see what dark evil twisted plans A has in store for the liars! Unfortunately, this whole elaborate set-up was just a fancy cover for a simple game of Truth or Dare. Yes, A took a very classic party game, added a bunch of intricate details and innovative technology, but at the end of the day it's still just *truth or dare* no matter how much you try to dress it up.
Truth or dare, fine, whatever, I'll go along with it. At least this game has potential to get juicy, or so I thought until I saw Spencer's first dare: "Visit Toby." OK WHAT IS THIS CRAP. I thought A's whole purpose is to torture the pretty little liars and make them as miserable as possible!? I didn't have A.D. pegged as a hardcore Spoby shipper trying to set them up together. WTF I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS MATCHMAKING SHITE. THIS GAME SUX.
Nothing interesting happened during Spencer's visit with Toby, other than the two of them doing a lot of whining about their lives and feeling sorry for themselves. Toby feels guilty about killing his fiancée because of his shitty driving skills, but it's only Yvonne so who gives a fuck. Honestly, even if she died in her coma right now, nothing of value will have been lost to this world.
The only memorable moment was when Toby put on his glasses and looked cute as hell. He has a bit of that *shy guy studying in the campus library* kind of look, which I likey-likey. Long-time readers will be familiar with Recap Everything's weird glasses fetish, so I will admit in my safe space that Toby + 👓 = YAS I WOULD. And judging by the way Spencer is staring at him, evidently she would too.
So, how long before Spoby get back together again? Does Yvonne have to die first, then Toby has to go through a grieving period, and Spencer must keep a modest distance for some time before she can hook up with him? Or will Spencer just dive right in, tap that hot grieving widower ass, and the two of them make passionate love next to his comatose wife's bedside?
Just look at the two of them. Spencer and Toby aren't being particularly subtle with their flirting. He's caressing her back, copping a feel, and completely forgetting that his unconscious fiancée is on life support. It makes me wonder why we're even going through this charade. Why wait for Yvonne to die, or wake up from her coma, or get murdered by Spencer with a pillow? Dead or alive, let's just put that bitch in a body bag, shove her into a morgue somewhere, and let Spoby be together again. Happy ending for everyone! ☺
As a reward for finishing her task, Spencer was given a letter written by Mama Drake addressed to her abandoned child. Her letter was very TL;DR, but here's the basic recap: Spencer was conceived because Mary wanted to play a cruel prank on her sister, but then realized that's a really fucked up way to bring a child into this world. Since it was too late for an abortion, here you are Spencer!
Mary: I'm sorry that you'll be a baby born in a madhouse, like a mysterious orphan in an old book. A book filled with calamity and misfortune, but perhaps a happy ending.
Yeah, it's a nice letter, but this one letter isn't gonna offset all the grotesque things that Mary Drake has done in the past. Am I supposed to feel sorry for this bitch? CUZ I DON'T.
Mama Hastings is currently on probation for not being a good enough mom to Spencer. Knowing that she had to step up her parenting game, she sneaked into her daughter's room and tucked her into bed. Awww! It was a sweet gesture, but it also felt very deliberate, as if she was only doing this to say *see what I did, I AM a good parent, don't replace me with another mom!* Veronica reminded me of a failing student trying to do some extra credit work to overcompensate for her shortcomings in the past.
Why is Veronica trying so hard to be a good parent? Is it because she loves Spencer, or is it because she just wanna save face? Imagine how bad you oughta look if your child prefers Mary Drake as her real mother over you. *lol gurl* What Spencer should do is: ask Veronica to pen a letter to her as well, describing in 300 words or less about why she deserves to be her mom. Whoever writes the winning letter will get to become Spencer's FINAL MOTHA.
Hanna Marin has an idea! Don't get scared, it's actually a valid one. She asks why the pretty little liars are playing by A.D.'s rules when they should just break open the board game and retrieve all the goodies inside. Turns out the fastest way to endgame is to simply end the game by demolishing it. Or in Hanna's case, LET'S STAB IT WITH A KNIFE!!!
Unfortunately, this board game is a sacred artefact and cannot be destroyed because it's the only plot device in Season 7B. The PLL writers can't come up with any more storylines for their dying show, so they're hedging all their bets on this board game to carry the entire season. We won't let you destroy our precious game, Hanna! Or else we'll have no story left for the next nine episodes!
In the end, A.D. resorts to blackmailing the girls with one of the million videos out there that captures them committing a crime. Play my game or these videos will leak faster than the ones of those Teen Wolf boys!
This time, it's the footage of the pretty little liars digging up Archer’s body, although A could’ve easily used all the other footage in existence. One must wonder why A even bothered recording these new videos when there’re so many old videos to choose from. A already has enough incriminating footage of the liars to start their own Netflix library, y’know?