Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 1

Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 1
Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 1
Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 1
It's the PLL Season 7 premiere! With Hanna's life on the line, will the pretty little liars manage to put aside their relationship drama and do something productive to save their friend? NOPE.
Pretty Little Liars Recaps » Season 7 Episode 1 »
  • This is the Season 7 premiere of Pretty Little Liars.
  • This is the episode where Mona coined the meme-worthy quote: "Maybe she snapped."
  • Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 1 Review

    Great start!

    PLL Recap: Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 1

    The episode recap has 31 comments from the best readers ever.
    ZOMG! Is Season 7 going to be the final season of Pretty Little Liars?
    Welcome to the final season of Pretty Little Liars! …or is it? After many conflicting reports, nobody quite knows whether this is truly the final final season, or if it’s more of a pray to god that Season 7 is popular with the fans so we don’t get cancelled type of final season. Recap Everything is not worried though. I remain confident that PLL will continue flogging a dead franchise for years to come, until we’re all in a retirement home watching the pretty little grandmas still accuse each other of murder.

    However, it appears that some of the main cast won’t return to the show after this season. *GASP* For the more ambitious starlets like Lucy Hale & Ashley Benson, they’re ready to ditch the show, put on their big girl wings, and fly out to the more lucrative opportunities out there in the horizon. While it’s possible there might be a Season 8, most of the important characters could be gone and we might be left with fan faves like Sara Harvey at the helm! 😬

    Hanna Marin is DEAD DEAD DEAD!!!

    OMG. The PLL Season 7 premiere opens with the pretty little liars burying a dead bitch!
    The Season 7 premiere begins with the pretty little liars crying, shrieking, and frantically digging a hole in the ground because they need to bury a dead body!!! OMFG. What happened!? Who died!? Where’s Hanna!? At this point, I still thought there’d be a perfectly innocent explanation to all this. Maybe the girls were doing a late night treasure hunt? Or maybe they were burying a time capsule! …until the words *first-degree murder* came out of Spencer’s mouth, and then that’s when I thought: OH SHIT ON A FISHSTICK, THEY WENT THERE.
    Aria and Emily are freaking out, but Spencer is as cool as a cucumber while she buries her friend's dead body.
    Aria: How could we let this happen!? Oh my god, poor Hanna!
    Spencer: Try to remember that it’s what she’d want!
    Emily: I dunno if I can live with this. How can we bury… *SOB* There has to be another way!
    Spencer: There is no other way, Emily! It was a well-thought-out plan. When it ends up like this, it’s called FIRST-DEGREE MURDER.

    I love how Aria & Emily were freaking out 😣😣😣 while Spencer remained cool as a clam, holding it together, and behaving like a stone cold bitch. 😎 Somebody must have watched a lot of #HTGAWM and learned from Professor Keating because Spencer is a real pro at this. First-degree murder? Burying a dead body in the middle of the night? Like water off a duck’s back. *brushes shoulder* Can Aria and Emily stop being such crybabies about it and dig that grave a little faster please!?

    The pretty little liars and company are doing absolutely nothing in order to save Hanna from captivity.
    Before we find out what happened that night, we suddenly time travel back to *4 DAYS EARLIER*, back to a past time period when everything was so much rosier and cozier… Oh wait, that’s not true, this timeline sucks too! We’re currently in a state of national crisis after A abducted Hanna in the 6B finale. Not that the pretty little liars or their loved ones are treating this as much of an emergency at all. Here they are, standing around, just chillin’. Does anyone have a plan? NOPE. Are you going to… NOPE.

    Hey look, there’s a police station across from you! You’d think at least one of Snow White’s seven dwarves might have the common sense to go to the police for help, but NOPE. Um, they might as well write out Hanna’s eulogy right now because they’re doing absolutely NOTHING to save her.

    Caleb lashes out at Spencer once again. How dare you, Spencer!? This is all your fault!
    Fear not! Who needs the cooperation or the resources from an entire police squad when we already have Officer Toby on our team!!! Surely his experience in law enforcement combined with his natural leadership skills will help us locate Hanna’s whereabouts! Okay, let’s just skip ahead and summarize Toby’s contributions by the end of this episode: *ZERO*.

    Spencer: Wait, Toby, your job is on the line here…
    Caleb: *stank face* Are you serious, Spencer!? Hanna’s life is on the line!

    Oh my god, Caleb lashes out at Spencer for doing something as heinous as… expressing a concern? HOW DARE YOU SPENCER, DO YOU EVEN WANT HANNA TO LIVE!?!? 😠😠😠

    Caleb Rivers is an obnoxious douchebag and the only fate he deserves is a slow and horribly painful death.
    This premiere made me realize that Caleb Rivers is trash. He’s not even the friendly recyclable type of trash, but just the bottom of the heap, scum of the earth, fucking despicable piece of trash. Nobody understands why Caleb is being such a dick to Spencer. Did she do something wrong? Did she cheat on him with her ex? Did she lash out at him due to the overwhelming guilt in her conscience? Oh wait. That was all you, Caleb. Bravo!

    Like seriously, FUCK this cheating douchebag and FUCK the greasy pigpen that he crawled out from. I wouldn’t be so angry if it was just one douchey comment spoken in the heat of the moment, but Caleb’s asshole behaviour has been a repeated pattern throughout the premiere. He’s either ignoring Spencer or hurling abuse at her because she had the audacity to talk to him. Ugh, he’s just so awful and she deserves so much better. Fuck you to hell, Caleb Rivers!

     Did Caleb just say that he'll threaten to beat a woman? Classy, bro.
    Even though they’re supposed to be saving Hanna’s life right now, the seven dwarves are quickly sidetracked by Zombie Jessica strutting around town like the walking dead. OMG, we must investigate her at once! Sorry Hanna, but your rescue mission is on hold until we complete this side quest and solve the mystery of whoever this reanimated corpse is!

    Caleb: She knows where Hanna is! I will beat the truth out of her if I have to!

    Wow, look who’s such a tough guy threatening bodily violence against a middle-age woman. *rolls eyes* You need to calm down, Chris Brown. Also, I’d like to see Caleb actually try and take on Zombie Jessica because I have no doubt that she’ll hand his scrawny punk ass back to him. 😦

    Zombie Jessica is actually Mama DiLaurentis' twin sister, Mary Drake.
    Not that I blame the pretty little liars for being curious about Zombie Jessica, whom you may know by her stage name Mary Drake. I’ve a lot of high hopes for this character just by looking at her resumé: twin sister of Jessica, mother of Charlotte, auntie of Alison. You know how they say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree? Well, Mary is basically like the orchard that comprises of all the crazy apple trees together. This bitch is gonna be a whole FOREST OF CRAZY.

    It’d be easy to call Mary the *evil twin* because duh, but let’s face it Mama DiLaurentis was already a pretty godawful human being as morally reprehensible as they come. Until Mary starts throwing away children into mental asylums, burying her alive daughter into the ground, and engaging in a streak of affairs with half the married men across town, she might actually be considered the *good twin* as far as I’m concerned lol.

    Toby is more heavily made up than any of the pretty little liars.
    OMG. Can we take a sidebar and talk about Toby’s makeup crisis in this scene? Like gurrrrl, what’s the sitch!? Would one of the girls please kindly take Mr. Cavanaugh aside and give him a few lessons on how to get his face done? Because right now, his face looks like it has more contoured layers than a gourmet cake and more misused bronzer than a Jersey Shore reunion show. Hey Toby, repeat this vow after me: *I solemnly swear to never leave the house looking like an amateur clown ever again*.
    Hanna Marin is officially DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!!
    At this rate, the pretty little liars are never gonna come close to rescuing Hanna and get anything accomplished. Even A is growing impatient and going like *omfg i don’t have all night waiting for these idiots* so beep-boop-beep, the new text message directs these dummies towards the church with the Google Maps directions and the exact GPS coordinates attached for reference.

    The pretty little sheeple run into the church, only to look up in shock and see Hanna’s dead body hanging lifelessly on top of the bell tower! HOLY SHIT. HANNA MARIN IS DEAD. There was no pulse, no heartbeat, not a single sign of life in her. Everyone, please stop tweeting #SaveHanna because we were already too late to save her. Put a fork in it, because I can officially pronounce this bitch to be DEAD DEAD DEAD. ☠

    If you think Hanna's character is gonna get killed off this easily, think again.
    Except not really? C’mon, it should be so obvious. Did you really think they were gonna kill off the bitch in the first episode of the season? Excuse me, but Miss Benson still has one more season left in her contract before she can leave behind this crapfest forever. You ain’t getting out of this so easily, missy~

    In fact, Recap Everything has a *100% GUARANTEE WARRANTY* that ensures Hanna won’t be able to die until she fulfilled all twenty episodes of her contractual obligations. She and the rest of the pretty little liars are basically IMMORTAL and INVINCIBLE until precisely the final ten seconds of the show.

    Caleb pulls off Hanna's mask and finds out she has been a blow-up doll along.
    Caleb: It’s a mask!
    Everyone: WUTTTTT.
    Caleb: It isn’t Hanna!
    Everyone: WUTTTTT.
    Caleb: It’s a doll!
    Everyone: WUTTTTT.

    Everyone was distraught about Hanna’s death for five seconds before it’s revealed that PSYCH! DEAD BODY SWITCHEROO! It’s not an actual human body, just some rag doll wearing a Hanna mask. Ugh, worst plot twist ever? Unless Hanna’s real identity is that she has been secretly living as a reanimated doll all along for the past six seasons, just like one of those talking Barbies from Toy Story. In which case, best plot twist ever!

    Okay, isn't it time for Pretty Little Liars to stop doing this mask shtick on the show? It's getting old.
    OMFG THIS IS SUCH A COP-OUT!!! Here we all were expecting Hanna’s dead body and what we got was some blow-up doll version of her instead! Also, who else thinks Pretty Little Liars might be going overboard with their whole MASK SCHTICK!? Last season, there was that masked old geezer, then the masked Detective Wilden, and now the masked doll switcheroo. I’m sorry, but this stupid masked magic trick stopped being cute a long time ago. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, okay now it’s getting old. 😒

    By the way, is this how PLL thinks they’ll be able to do Season 8 without the main cast? Just hire a bunch of nobody actors and then claim they’re the pretty little liars wearing the masks? BELIEVE ME U GUISE, I swear that fresh-faced actress is actually Shay Mitchell underneath her mask!

    Alison, the tribe has spoken.

    There's a meaningless countdown clock that indicates the hours remaining in Hanna's life.
    A warns the pretty little liars that they have 24 HOURS to find Charlotte’s killer or else Hanna dies for sure! Tick-tock, bitches! Considering they spent six seasons just to learn the real identity of Alison’s hitman, it’s probably a better use of those 24 hours if they started making funeral arrangements for Hanna in advance, because that bitch might as well be dead.

    During this episode, there was a hilariously pointless countdown clock that’s supposed to indicate the hours leading to Hanna’s inevitable death. This might be interesting if Hanna was attached to a ticking time bomb or something, which she is not. What we got instead was a bunch of random numbers flashing across the screen every so often, signifying absolutely nothing to anyone. OMG, 11:22:34 until time’s up! OMG, 05:43:21 time remaining before doomsday! By the time the clock reached 00:00:00, guess what, nothing happened at all. *is completely shocked*

    The doomsday clock doesn't even tell the accurate time remaining.
    The worst part about the doomsday clock is that it doesn’t even tell the accurate time!? A originally issued the 24-hour challenge at 4:01AM. In the next scene, the countdown clock says there’re 23 hours remaining, yet we see Spencer send out a text message at 7:12PM??? Like wutttt.

    If they aren’t gonna get the details right, why bother having the timer at all? For all we know, Hanna could actually be dead right now and the clock would still say 23:32:23 time remaining. They might as well display the current Icelandic time on our TV screen instead, which is still more useful than this countdown clock!

    Mona is so happy that she finally got accepted by the cool kids club.
    Ezra: Look, we’ve been trying to figure out who killed Charlotte since she died. Do we really think that we’re gonna solve the mystery in under 24 hours?
    Caleb: Yes, we will because we have to.
    Mona: This is the first time we’ve all been working together. That’s what makes it different.

    Whoops, looks like nobody told Mona that the other six *have* been working together all along, except she was never invited to the strategy sessions in their kewl kidz club until now. While Mona celebrates her story of acceptance for the very first time, you know the others are barely tolerating her presence right? It’s not like anybody wants her here, more like she forcibly inserted herself into their clique and they never had the energy to tell the demon imp that she’s not welcomed.

    The pretty little liars decide to have a dramatic tribal council. Alison, the tribe has spoken!
    With the seven of them working together, I thought we might finally get an intelligent roundtable where they share information, exchange ideas, and come to a logical conclusion about Charlotte’s killer. *lolno* Instead, the group thought the most intuitive way to approach a murder investigation is to do it Survivor style! Let’s hold a dramatic TRIBAL COUNCIL, where everyone cast an anonymous vote on who they think the killer is!

    And with a majority of four votes… Alison, the tribe has spoken! *snuffs your torch* It’s time for you to leave this island and go to jail!

    It's no surprise that the three awful guys have a douchey alliance and Aria is the fourth vote enabling them.
    Alison (4 votes): We find out that CALEB, EZRA & TOBY have formed some awful douchebro voting bloc and piled their votes against Alison! And of course Aria would be the fourth vote. If this was Survivor, she’d be the coattail riding chick that enables the douchey all-male alliance to dominate the game until they unceremoniously vote her out in the final four.

    Mona & Spencer (1 vote each): Of course these two bitches would vote against each other lmao. Imagine the awkwardness if Mona did receive the majority of the votes at tribal council. Sorry gurl, but you’re gonna have to leave this kitchen island immediately!

    No vote (1 vote): WHAT IS THIS ABSENTEE BALLOT BULLSHIT??? Emily was a total weak bitch sitting on the fence and refusing to vote. Like one of those #BernieOrBust supporters who’d rather skip the upcoming election than to vote for either Clinton or Trump.

    Emily is the only one defending Alison from her pre-emptive murder charges.
    In case you forgot, because the pretty little liars certainly have, catching a killer actually requires *evidence* and *motive* and not just because four bitter betties voted against you during an impromptu tribal council. Let me step up as Alison’s defense attorney and present a case about why she couldn’t have killed Charlotte: IT MAKES NO SENSE.

    Emily: Ali loved Charlotte! I mean, she stayed here and took care of her! Why would she do that just to kill her when she got out!? There’s no motive!

    Exactly! Alison has been Charlotte’s biggest supporter, spending every day in the past five years visiting the asylum to worship her evil pseudo sister at the altar. This bitch has been chugging the kool-aid for so long that her tongue is dyed permanently blue. She’s the last possible person who could’ve killed her. And yet, here we are now, suspect number one!

    Toby's petty schoolgirl feud with Alison is still going strong.
    Not that the pretty little liars are as concerned about finding the real killer as they are about pointing the finger at somebody to blame. Alison’s only crime is that she lost a popularity vote, yet that’s enough proof to indict her in front of the judge and jury. It doesn’t help when we have vindictive bitches like Toby, whose petty schoolgirl feud with Alison is still as catty as ever.

    Toby: She’s been on her best behavior since she got back, but we can’t pretend the Alison who blinded Jenna never existed. 😦

    MEOW. Ooh gurl, raise a hand and snap your fingers to go with that sass! BTW, this is the only time Toby would say anything nice about Jenna when he needs an excuse to justify his hatred towards Alison. Let’s not pretend that he actually cares about her well-being otherwise lol.

    How is Mona not the likeliest suspect of every crime committed?
    Mona: Maybe her goody-two-shoes act became too much for her to handle. Maybe she snapped.

    Naturally, Mona doesn’t need any prompting to talk smack about Alison. LOL, that bitch has some cheek when she’s the one who *DID* snap and even swung a warhammer against Bethany Young’s skull. It still baffles me how the others allow that demon imp to chime in like she’s part of their book club. Can anybody appreciate the irony of them sitting next to Mona who has 🚨 MURDER 🚨 on her rap sheet and asking her who the likeliest killer might be!? Newsflash: THAT EVIL BITCH IS RIGHT THERE.

    Season 7 is the official season of Maleb.

    Officer Toby has no problems picking locks and breaking into houses.
    Since we’ve some time to kill before Hanna dies in 24 hours, let’s launch an investigation on Mary Drake! And by *investigation*, I mean the pretty little liars are gonna break into her house, snoop through her belongings, and eavesdrop in her private phone conversations. Shockingly, nobody is concerned about breaking the law on multiple criminal charges, not even Officer Cavanaugh who’s the one doing the lock-picking! WTF Toby? I thought the police were supposed to be fighting crime instead of joining their ranks???

    Spencer: Oh, you’ve gotten a lot better at this!
    Toby: Yeah, I took a tactical lock opening course at the academy.

    FYI: Spencer also took the tactical lock opening course at the academy… She was the instructor, of course.

    Toby tries to speak German, but butchers the language pretty badly.
    What Toby evidently did not learn in the academy are the language courses, as we watch him butcher the German language pretty badly in the next scene.

    Toby: *reading a book title* FORK-UH-SHAT-CANNON, CONCEPT-TAA, AND-THE-SHARE-ME!
    Spencer: 😵😵😵

    Toby thinks just because he impressed Spencer with his beginner’s French last episode, he’s suddenly multilingual in all other languages too. *smh* I would provide you with a direct translation of his words, except I’m not too sure if he’s speaking a known language to humankind? Maybe an alien from another galaxy watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix would be able to shed more light on what he actually said.

    Spencer learned the German language based on a mobile app.
    When Spoby go on their honeymoon tour to Germany in the future, I guess Spencer will be the one to do all the talking for him. According to her, she has already mastered the language based on her extremely legitimate qualifications…on a mobile app? Spencer is so good that she can understand Toby’s German even when he speaks absolute alien gibberish. *lol*

    Spencer: I’m sort of obsessed with this language app where they reward you with a flag every time you reach the fluent level. Then your little emoji boards on a plane and it flies to the country.

    Dat awkward moment when you spend an absurd amount of time looking for Spencer’s language app on your mobile device, only to realize that it’s completely fictional. WHY ISN’T THIS A REAL APP YET!? I WANNA SEND MY EMOJI TO DIFFERENT COUNTRIES TOO!!!

    Learning different languages on a mobile app is what constitutes as fun for Spencer Hastings.
    Toby: Sort of obsessed? How many flags do you have?
    Spencer: French, Italian, German, and *this* close to flying to China.

    NERRRRRD ALERRRRT. It should come as no surprise that Spencer would be playing the nerdiest gaming app to ever be created. While most of us are poring over our phones trying to match three jewels together, Spencer is figuring out how to conjugate French verbs into passé composé during her spare time. This is what constitutes as fun for me!

    Caleb actually chose to team up with Mona over Spencer!?!?
    You must think it’s weird that Spencer spends more alone time with her ex-boyfriend than her current boyfriend, but Caleb is the one who filed a restraining order and wants nothing to do with her. Keep in mind this mofo was whispering about ~moist panties~ in her ear just last episode, but it’s as if somebody flicked a switch and Spaleb’s relationship suddenly deteriorated overnight. Now, Caleb is basically like: GO AWAY SPENCER, NOBODY LOVES YOU!!! 😠

    Spencer received the ultimate insult when the seven of them were pairing off and Caleb decided that he’d rather couple up with MONA instead of her. Can you fucking believe it!? This guy literally hates Spencer so much that he chooses to team up with his MORTAL NEMESIS rather than spend one more moment with his own girlfriend! *WTFFFF IS WRONG WITH YOU BRO!?!?*

    Caleb hangs up in the middle of a phone conversation with Spencer. Stay classy, bro.
    Later, Spencer was simply asking Caleb if he was hungry and wanted her to make him a sammich, which led to this hilariously sad phone conversation:

    Spencer: I was just wondering…
    Caleb: FOOD IS THE LAST THING ON MY MIND, SPENCER!!!
    Spencer: Erm okay, then I’m gonna go over the Mary Drake file again and…
    Caleb: Alright, great. *hangs up abruptly*

    KTHXBAI GURL! *hangs up* I’d laugh if I didn’t feel so bad for Spencer. 😞 Is she supposed to be some sort of punching bag and just take whatever emotional abuse that cheating asshole throws at her? It’s official: I want Spencer to dump Caleb and go back to Toby. I’m not a big Spoby fan either, but I’ll take Toby’s crappy German over Caleb’s crappy personality any day.

    Caleb looks like he seriously smells. Take a shower, bro!
    Instead of giving him food, maybe Spencer should consider bringing over a bottle of shampoo or at least some deodorant for her boyfriend. Just look at the state of his hair and also the way he’s scratching his head… Okay, how long has it been since this mofo bathed? Dude, I know you only have 24 hours to save the love of your life, but surely you can take two minutes out of your busy day to hop into the shower?

    Out of all the reasons why Spencer needs to dump Caleb, his lack of personal hygiene surely tops the list. I can overlook the adultery, I can overlook the douchebag behaviour, but I can’t overlook those fleas!!!

    Sorry Haleb fans, but Mona x Caleb are definitely endgame material!
    At this rate, I’m starting to think both Spencer and Hanna are too good for that smelly loser Caleb Rivers. He isn’t worthy of those girls and shouldn’t end up with either of them. I think he deserves a life of crippling loneliness and crippling crabs. Or better yet, he deserves a life of eternal damnation in the depths of hell chained next to MONA VANDEVIL! 😈

    Mona and Caleb would make a great couple because quite frankly scum deserves scum. *lol* Besides, the two of them always had this weird love-hate relationship between them. When I say love-hate, I meant that she’s kinda in love with him and he completely fucking hates her guts. This is the foundation of a beautiful sizzling hatemance waiting to happen, which PLL teased us with in the past, but they finally explored their hilarious dynamic during the season premiere. Needless to say, all of the Mona x Caleb interactions in the episode were PURE GOLD.

    Caleb and Mona always had a hilarious love-hate relationship that is definitely worth exploring in Pretty Little Liars.
    Mona: I think Mary Drake is our fastest route to Hanna.
    Caleb: I agree!
    Mona: So, we’ll work together! 😉

    The best part is when Mona tries to create a ~moment~ and initiates eye contact with him, but Caleb instantly averts his gaze to avoid looking at her lolololol. You can’t stare into Medusa for too long or else you’ll turn into stone!

    Recap Everything has a new crack ship and it's called MALEB.
    DOWN WITH SPALEB, LONG LIVE MALEB!!! Yup, it’s a brand new PLL season and us fans need a new crack ship to pledge our eternal support. I strongly encourage you to get behind the passionate love story between Mona x Caleb. Imagine the hilarity of the Haleb fans smiling through tears and sighing in relief now that their Spaleb nightmares are finally over, only for Caleb to go cheating on his OTP with Mona instead. *lmao*

    And you guys thought seeing him hook up with Spencer was bad, but just wait until he starts playing tonsil hockey with Mona and hatefucking together in a pit of vipers! That imagery alone is worthwhile enough to make this coupling happen. Recap Everything hereby announces Season 7 is the official season of Maleb. HAPPY MALEB DAY, EVERYONE!

    Mona is like an instruction manual for murder.
    Mona and Caleb work together to stalk Mary Drake across town. You may call this a stakeout, but I consider it Maleb’s first date~ 😉 Anyway, they notice that Mary is purchasing all the necessary supplies and materials to build the next atomic bomb or sumthin’.

    Caleb: *spying* Bleach, charcoal, vinegar?
    Mona: That’s everything you need to cover up a murder.
    Caleb: What’s the charcoal for?
    Mona: Absorbs the smell of death.

    At times like these, you gotta appreciate Mona’s contributions to the group as a walking instruction manual for murderers. I know exactly what is in Mary’s murder toolkit because I have one myself!

    Deep down, I think Mona actually wants Hanna to die just so she can score Caleb.
    The best part about Mona having the hots for Caleb is that you know the bitch won’t play fair when she goes and snags Hanna’s man. Deep down, the demon imp is secretly wishing and even plotting her friend’s death to get her hands on Caleb’s tainted meat.

    Caleb: *continues spying on Mary* She’s gonna lead us to Hanna!
    Mona: Yeah, because she’s on her way to kill her~ 😦

    Whoops, was that a Freudian slip? *lol* Last season, Spencer might have experienced a moral dilemma over dating her best friend’s boyfriend, but Mona isn’t the type to mull around because dat bitch ain’t got a conscience. If Mona wants a man, she’s gonna go right in for the kill. And if that means literally killing Hanna along the way just to score a piece of the Caleb pie, then so be it!

    Caleb talks about beating up women all the time in this episode.
    Caleb: *still spying on Mary* Y’know, she’s in there alone, we can take her!
    Mona: And then what!? We waterboard her???

    Wow, scariest couple ever? I gotta say, I don’t understand what’s wrong with Caleb and his repressed rage issues in this episode? For some reason, this mofo seems really eager to beat up a woman twice his age, because this is the second time he has expressed a violent sentiment about hurting Mary. First time you say this offhandedly, it makes you look like a douchenozzle. Second time you say this, do I have to call a women’s shelter because there is reason for concern???

    Mona and Caleb's love-hate romance is my new PLL obsession.
    Caleb: Y’know, I can actually appreciate your skillset, but do you always have to be such a smartass?
    Mona: Do you always have to be so direct?
    Caleb: I was giving you a compliment.
    Mona: Calling me names isn’t complimentary.

    Is it just me or is it getting hot in here? BECAUSE CALEB & MONA’S CHEMISTRY TOGETHER IS ON FIRE!!! When watching their scenes, I can never tell whether I want them to kill each other or make out with each other, which is kinda the main appeal of this pairing? *lol* Either way, I wanna see Caleb and Mona interact a lot more this season. Note to PLL: please give us less tedious Haleb vs. Spaleb bullshit, and more eternal Maleb hatemance moments like these instead. 😍😍😍

    Mary Drake is an EPIC KWEEN.

    Andrea Parker is now a series regular in Season 7 of Pretty Little Liars!
    One of the best news to happen in Season 7 is that the fabulous Andrea Parker got promoted to a series regular! Whether she’s playing Mary Drake or Jessica DiLaurentis or one of the other six octuplet twins yet to be revealed on the show, it’s always a pleasure to watch such a divine actress grace our TV screens. YAS KWEEN YAS. 😊

    Unfortunately, this news came at the expense of demoting Laura Leighton, which means we’ll be seeing even less of Mama Marin this season. NO KWEEN NO. 😞 Like wtf, I thought us PLL fans made it perfectly clear that we wanted more Wine Moms on the show and not less? If it were up to me, I would’ve made both women series regulars and totally cut out deadwood like *EZRA* from the main cast, sorry not sorry.

    Let me tell you the difference between the two twin sisters, Mary Drake and Jessica DiLaurentis.
    Even though it’s the same actress playing the two roles, Jessica DiLaurentis and Mary Drake are distinctively different characters. Jessica was more of an uptight suburban bitch, the type who would show up to a neighbourhood block party and silently gloat because her casserole was cooked better than yours. On the other hand, Mary is more of a scary psycho bitch, the type who lives alone in the forest and lures unsuspecting children to her candy-crusted house before shoving them into the oven.

    To put it in another way, Jessica is evil bitch you’d encounter in broad daylight, whereas Mary is the evil bitch you’d meet lurking in the dark late at night. Both twins are definitely evil bitches, but they have different flavours of evilness and bitchiness so don’t get them mixed up!

    Mary Drake's childhood is filled with turmoil, heartache, and many visits to Radley.
    Here’s all the scoop about the new bitch on the block, Mary Drake:

    1.) During her early years, Mary has been an esteemed guest at the Radley asylum ever since a child died under her care while she was babysitting. Afterwards, the bitch was re-admitted several times until even the doctors working there were like *lol lost cause* and chucked her outta there 23 years ago.

    2.) Since then, Mary plopped out Charlotte, abandoned her evil spawn, and went travelling around the world. According to Mary, she only moved away because her sister “turned everyone against me, my friends, my family, she poisoned them all against me”. I dunno how credible her witness statement is, but this does sound like a typical Jessica move. Chasing her sister away from the suburbs with a storm of self-righteous fury? Oh, that bitch would.

    Mary Drake is kind of a badass boss bitch, sorry not sorry.
    3.) While Spoby were snooping through Mary’s room, they discover she’s a self-taught hack0r who read a lot of computer books and learned how to hack, phish, spam, troll and actively engaged in bitcoin and 4chan and other scary internet proclivities. You know that adware virus you’ve just installed into your computer? Yeah, Mary probably coded and programmed that piece of malware, sorry not sorry~

    4.) After her sister’s death, Mary moved back to Rosewood and is now the owner of the Lost Woods Resort. We don’t find out what happened to the previous innkeeper, Harold the creepy school janitor, but the simplest conclusion is that Mary must have offed the basic bitch for getting in her way, sorry not sorry~

    Melissa and Spencer look so much alike they were almost like twins! Uh-huh, keep nodding your head and agree as if it's even remotely true.
    5.) If Mary Drake has one kryptonite, it must be her terrible eyesight because she saw a photograph of the two Hastings sisters and said the following quote about them:

    Mary: You and your sister look so much alike. Almost like twins!

    “Almost like twins” – can we address the fact that none of those three words are even remotely true? I guess Melissa and Spencer look as if they could be almost like sisters, but calling them identical twins is almost like blind. Then again, Pretty Little Liars had already declared Alison and Charlotte were TWINS, Alison and Hanna were also TWINS, Aria and Ezra were TWINS OF THE SOUL. So, we’re almost at a point where any two characters on the show can be considered *twins* as long as they are of the human race.

    In what world are Melissa and Spencer considered almost like twins or almost like close?
    Mary: Are you and your sister close?
    Spencer: Occasionally.

    And yet, seven seasons later and we’re still waiting for that precious occasion to arrive. Your sisterly bonding can happen any moment now, tick-tock bitches. Okay let’s be real, the only time when Spencer and Melissa experienced closeness was when they came close to strangling each other during one of their many intense bitchfeuds. *lol*

     Mary is a master of the backhanded shade, insulting to your face but disguising it as a thinly veiled compliment
    Mary Drake is also a refined connoisseur of throwing shade, so masterful in her art that she could insult you to your face yet disguise the malicious intent within a thinly veiled compliment. During her conversation with Spencer, Mama Drake was slyly dishing out backhanded digs like “You certainly are inquisitive.” (translation: you’re a nosy lil bitch, aren’t ya?) and “I know your family well enough to know that they’re excellent secret keepers.” (translation: so many crooked liars in your family, whoops!)

    Mary’s best quality is how these bitchy insults come so naturally and effortlessly to her. She could lounge back on the sofa, make a cracking quip about you and your family, and then graciously take a sip of tea ☕ as she savours the aftertaste of her scintillating sass.

    Mary Drake's epic burn: I was born first, she was born jealous.
    Mary: My sister and I didn’t get along…
    Spencer: Why?
    Mary: I was born first and she was born jealous. *sips tea* ☕

    LMAO. First of all, only Pretty Little Liars would get away with such a ridiculous line like that and still stay perfectly in context. Second of all, what an epic burn from an epic kween~ I mean, Recap Everything was already committed to loving this character as soon as the snarky bitch took her first sip of tea, but this masterful shade basically made me a MARY DRAKE FAN 4 LYFE. Third of all, some PLL characters are born perfect while others are born basic, it’s just a simple fact of life. *sips my tea*

    Is Mary Drake going to be the best PLL character in Season 7? Um, obviously.
    Queen Mary makes her departure, but not before she takes one last swipe at Spencer: “I can’t seem to be friends with any of my ex-lovers…” (translation: ok just admit it, u still thirst 4 toby’s diq) And just when you thought she finally left the building, that sneaky bitch pops her head back in the doorway because she can’t resist being a hellbeast even after the curtains fall!

    Mary: You should lock this door. These days, you’re not safe anymore…

    I love how Mary was so busy throwing shade that she forgot to threaten Spencer’s life until the bitch stepped out the door. Keep in mind that it has been one episode and her character is already delivering tenfold, so imagine all the bitchiness we can anticipate for the rest of the season. I don’t think it’s too early for me to get on my knee and present her with a porcelain teapot as a token of my love. MARRY ME, QUEEN MARY.

    Kill Ezria, Elliott! They are hiding in the closet!

    Aria is going through Alison's panty drawer and hoping to find a toy.
    Meanwhile, Aria and Ezra are snooping for incriminating evidence in Alison’s house, starting with her underwear drawer! I don’t know about you, but that’s exactly where most criminals would hide their murder weapons, wrapped around a pair of baby blue lace panties. OMG, what’s this, is that the victim’s blood!? No, erm… that’s a… different type of blood.

    Ezra: That’s a little weird…
    Aria: Please don’t tell me you found a toy! It’s already bad enough that I’m going through Alison’s panty drawer!

    A toy??? What type of evidence is Aria trying to find in Alison’s house? 😵 Unless Charlotte died from blunt force trauma after being struck by a giant dildo, I don’t think a toy is what you’re looking for!? 😟

    Ezra must regret that he wasn't the one rummaging through Alison's panty drawer instead.
    Also, how much do you think Ezra is kicking himself for searching on the wrong side of the bedroom? Dude, if only you picked the right hand side, you could be going through Alison’s panty drawer right now and sniffing each pair one by one! What a lost opportunity for Ezra. Maybe Aria missed a spot and he should make up some excuse to double check that drawer just in case?
    Ezria hold hands while they're hiding inside a closet together.
    Before Ezra had a chance to raid the panty drawer, Elliott suddenly arrives home and almost catches Ezria in the act! The two of them hide inside the closet until the coast was clear, but it didn’t take long before Aria got a little horny and started grabbing at her boyfriend’s hand. Oh Ezra, hold me! 😍 Hold me tightly! 😍 I wanna touch you, baby! 😍

    Um Aria, you’re supposed to be in hiding and not playing seven minutes in heaven, show a little self-restraint please. You’d think there might be an appropriate time and place to get frisky with your boyfriend, but a girl just can’t help herself and her impulses. How about a quickie in the closet while we’re waiting here, Ezra???

    Elliott has an entire MURDER TOOLKIT filled with knives and blades and swords and chainsaws.
    At first, I wasn’t sure if Elliott knew there were two people fornicating in his closet or if that scary expression was just his resting bitch face, until he left the room and came back with his MURDER TOOLKIT ZOMG. The evil mofo has brought out an entire toolbox full of knives and blades and swords and chainsaws! The only reason why anyone would be equipped with this much weaponry in their inventory is if you’re a storekeeper in a video game, otherwise WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK!?!?

    Um holy shit, was Elliott planning to cut, slice & dice Ezria’s bodies into a million little pieces? Or was he planning to trap them in the basement and slowly torture them with his delicate little toys!? 😧😧😧

    Ezra and Aria managed to escape before Elliott could catch them and cut the couple into a million little pieces.
    I know Dr. Rollins might be a cold and calculating psycho, but is it wrong to admit that I was totally rooting for him during this scene? I was literally pointing my finger at the screen, jumping up and down, shouting: “There’s Ezria! They’re hiding over there! Don’t let them get away! I’ll hold them down until you get here! Hurry!!!”

    Unfortunately, our protagonists managed to flee from house of horrors just in time, robbing us of the horrifying Ezria death scenes that we deserve. Imagine Aria dying in a puddle of her own blood holding hands next to Ezra’s decrepit corpse. HOW ROMANTIC!!! Actually, if Elliott managed have his way with Ezra and Aria, I imagine what’s left of their body remains might simply be two fingers and possibly an earbud lulz.

    Aria and Ezra don't care about Hanna's life, all they care about is their boring relationship drama.
    Afterwards, we’re subjected to our millionth Ezria scene where the two of them yak yak yak and rehash their tedious drama some more. There’s no new material here, other than the fact that Aria crudely referred to their relationship as a ‘slip’, as if he accidentally slipped his dong inside her ding. lolkay aria, say whatever you want to justify yourself, gurl~

    At one point, Aria actually remembered that she has a friend named Hanna whose life is in danger, so she sighed a few times and pretended to be sad. Naturally, Ezra is by her ear with his soothing words: *you need sleep* *stay the night* *let’s go to bed* *we can relieve some stress* *it’ll only take a few minutes* *i promise to put just the tip*. Poor Hanna is literally dying as we speak and this is all dat perv Ezra cares about in his filthy one-track mind. 😔

    Aria tells the bartender that she's looking for a man...aren't we all, sister..
    Instead of spending the night with Ezra, we get a hilarious scene where Aria heads down to the bar and goes cruising for men. Okay, I think she was supposed to be looking for a British guy linked to Mary Drake…but that’s not how her demeanour came across?

    Bartender: What can I get you?
    Aria: I’m looking for a guy…

    Imagine walking into a bar and straight-up telling the bartender: I WANT A MAN. *feels second-hand embarrassment for you* Hey Aria, I know you’re thirsty, but they don’t serve that on the menu.

    Aria is at the bar cruising for some hot guys to pick up.
    Aria was given the task to collect intel at the bar. Y’know, talk to some patrons, ask a few relevant questions, blend in and find out who Mary Drake’s mystery man is. Leave it to Aria to put in zero effort, sitting there by herself and chugging away a beer. From time to time, she’d scan the room and leer lewdly at any hot Brits that pass by her. If I didn’t know better, I’d honestly assume this bitch was just here looking for a one-night stand. Hey mate, lemme buy you a pint! You over there, wanna hook up?
    Aria is still not answering any of her boyfriend's phone calls, as if Liam is some sort of telemarketer.
    If Aria was so intent on finding a man, you’d think she might be a little more appreciative of her actual boyfriend Liam. Yeah, remember him? The poor guy has been calling her again and again, but she keeps declining his calls like he’s some sort of telemarketer. GEEZ LOUISE ARIA. How long is this bitch gonna drag out their inevitable break-up!? You can’t terminate your relationship with Liam just by clicking that red button on your phone! You actually have to take his call, blurt out *I QUIT*, and then hang up on him forever!
    Ezra and Aria reunite and make love for the millionth time on Pretty Little Liars.
    I guess there weren’t any available hotties at the bar, so Aria had to settle for the night and went back home to Ezra. They kiss, embrace, hump, declare their love for each other, whatever.

    Aria: I don’t need to know what we are tonight. I just need to be with you.

    Years from now, Aria will look back and recall all the special memories on this particular evening. Oh sob, oh sniffle, oh remember the night when my dear friend Hanna died under tragic circumstances? What was I doing again? OH YEAH, RIDING EZRA TO BANGTOWN ALL NIGHT LONG BABY! 😄😄😄

    #DontSaveHanna

    Are the pretty little liars even taking Hanna's life seriously? Why aren't they trying harder to rescue her?
    Speaking of Hanna…oh geez, rough night? The poor girl is still in captivity and it doesn’t look like she’s getting the five-star treatment at The Ritz. But hey, at least she can take comfort knowing that her friends are working tirelessly every minute and doing everything in their power to #SaveHanna! …oh wait. *lolnvm*

    You’d think the pretty little liars might try harder to rescue their friend considering there’s a 24-hour deadline on her life. Instead, they’re sipping tea with Mary, sucking face with Ezra, and wasting time to investigate god knows what. Never before have twenty four hours been wasted so frivolously and unproductively, and I would know since I spend my days watching and recapping Pretty Little Liars.

    Hanna is sleeping next to a puddle of her own piss.
    Hanna is held captive inside a dark abandoned shack in the middle of nowhere. This place is stripped almost as completely bare as Hanna herself. And you guys thought Charlotte was awful for abducting the girls in an underground bunker, but at least that evil bitch had an eye for interior design. Would it kill Uber A to put up some wallpaper and carpeting in this joint?

    OMG, did you guys notice there was a strange puddle of water next to where Hanna slept? Yeah, I think we all know where that water came from, and let’s just say it didn’t leak out of the faucet. I don’t wanna be gross, but in the spirit of recapping everything, I’d like to point out there was a moment when Hanna got up, wandered around aimlessly, and then accidentally stepped into a puddle of her own piss. *lolawks* Poor Hanna. 😞

    Uber A tortures Hanna with a wild and sexy wet t-shirt contest!
    Mwhahaha, now it’s time to torture the bitch! I’m using the word ‘torture’ quite loosely here, unless you consider getting sprayed down with a garden hose as a very traumatizing experience. Am I the only one who thought this scene looked more erotic than it was scary? Here’s Hanna Marin, stripped naked and dripping wet, bow chicka bow wow. Replace her horrific screams and cries for help with a porno soundtrack, and this footage can be used in the next Girls Gone Wild video.

    WHY IS THE SCREEN SO GREEN THO??? Was there an equipment malfunction in the Freeform studio that caused the footage to come out radioactive green? Ain’t nobody wanna watch a wet t-shirt contest with Hanna looking like Princess Fiona from Shrek!

    I wanna see Hanna get tortured in high-definition!
    Let me know if I interpreted this scene correctly or not, but I think A drenched Hanna with water and then electrocuted her afterwards. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening tho because everything is so damn grainy and green. Whatever effect they were trying to achieve with this radioactive instagram filter, I’m totally not down for it.

    If you’re gonna do a torture sequence, I wanna enjoy it with natural lighting, sharp focus, zoom lenses, multiple camera angles, along with the full panoramic cinematic experience. Note to PLL: I want high-definition torture scenes, okay!?

    Hanna sees a delirious hallucination of Spencer before she dies.
    In the final moments of her diminishing life, Hanna becomes totes delirious and sees a hallucination of Spencer appearing before her like Jesus. This holy apparition gives her some much needed motivation and encouragement. You go gurl, don’t die on us yet!

    Spencer: Something real is actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact! A dream is an experience and an experience is real!

    lolwut. I’m sure that profound philosophy would’ve made more sense if it actually came from the real Spencer and not Hanna’s bastardized version of her. This must be how Hanna sees Spencer in her mind: a Yoda-like figure that’s always spewing off some vaguely intelligent yet completely incoherent crap.

    Hanna doesn't see Spencer with any bangs in her hallucination.
    Hilariously enough, Hanna made it very clear where she stood on the controversial BANGS VS. NO BANGS debate, after she blatantly changed her friend’s current hairstyle back to the original ~*continuity be damned*~. Sorry Spencer, but you and your tragic looking bangs have no place in my canon! I imagine if Aria was here instead, Hanna would also envision her with a silly pink streak in her hair because #OneTrueHairstyle forever.
    Notice how Hanna doesn't apologize to Spencer for kissing Caleb... That's because she's not sorry.
    Out of all her friends, Hanna only picked Spencer to appear in her spiritual dream. Aria & Emily would’ve just cried and freaked out and made the situation worse, so it’s probably for the best they were left out of the scene. In other words, Spencer is the type of friend you need in a *real* emergency, whereas Aria/Emily are the friends you need only when you want a second opinion on your blouse.

    Shockingly, Hanna didn’t dream about Caleb either! To be honest, I thought she’d be in the middle of hallucinating a 24-hour sex marathon with her boy toy. 😋 What a pleasant surprise to see that somewhere deep in her conscience, Hanna actually prioritizes her friendship with Spencer over her relationship with Caleb. Look at the two of them bonding together, omg precious friendship goals forever~ This scenario here is my ideal solution to the love triangle conundrum. Who’d want Haleb or Spaleb when we can have TEAM SPANNA instead?

    Hanna makes her escape through the air vent.
    It took a spiritual visit from Spencer before Hanna finally reached the most obvious conclusion ever: um lol, maybe you should start looking for an exit?

    Spencer: If there’s a way in, there’s a way out.

    Thanks for the wise advice as always, Master Yoda! Hanna managed to escape by climbing through the air vent, which she never noticed until after 23.5 years hours into her captivity. I gotta say, A was being a sloppy bitch for not locking up Hanna in chains and putting more security measures around the perimeters. Somewhere deep in hell, Charlotte must be watching this scene with an exasperated sigh: “And that’s why you install an electric fence, amateur.”

    Run, Hanna! Run for your life!
    RUN, HANNA, RUN!!! Once our pretty little captive broke free, this bitch put on her nikes and ran for her life until she came upon an open road. As luck would have it, there’s a car! …which promptly drove past Hanna without giving her a second glance. *lolpwnt*

    Was that driver a Spaleb fan part of the #DontSaveHanna campaign? You’d think seeing a dishevelled half-naked girl chasing after your car and screaming for help would be enough to grab somebody’s attention, but that driver just stepped on the accelerator and continued on the road without giving a damn. *sees Hanna waving her arms in the rear view mirror* Yeah, whatever this bitch is doing, I’m not getting involved in it. *turns on the car radio instead*

    Hanna's saviour is... Mary Drake? lol gurl u in danja
    Fortunately, there’s a second car to the rescue! Just when Hanna thinks her saviour has arrived at last, she sees who the driver is: MARY DRAKE. *awwww hell no*

    Well, it’s been real and it’s been fun, but this has gotta be the end of the road for Hanna. The poor girl is already down to her last remaining HP and now she stumbled upon this LEVEL 999 DEADLY HELLBEAST. Sorry, game over, ain’t no way she gonna survive this wild encounter. We might as well prepare the coroner’s report right now. Victim’s name: Hanna Marin. Time of Death: 4AM. Cause of Death: ROADKILL.

    Forgive me, Heavenly Father, for I killed Charlotte.

    Dr. Rollins is injecting all sorts of horse tranquilizers into Alison around-the-clock.
    Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Alison checked into a mental asylum under the assumption that her crazy nutmeg ass will be cured. It’s nice to see that she has such high hopes for a rehabilitation process that did wonders for Charlotte, Bethany & Mona, all of whom are the poster children for perfect mental health.

    To nobody’s surprise, Alison’s crazy didn’t go away overnight and the bitch became even more apeshit than when she first checked in. It doesn’t help that her evil husband has been injecting all sorts of failed experimental drugs & horse tranquilizers into her body around-the-clock. Oh honey, it’s time for your two o’clock dosage of rat poison! Sit back and enjoy the toxins! 😊

    Emily, do you really think this is the right time to interrogate Alison about her sister's murder?
    Naturally, Emily thinks this is the perfect time to interrogate her friend about Charlotte’s death, even though Alison is drugged, disoriented, and has the mental clarity of a washcloth.

    Emily: I need to know the truth about Charlotte! Did you do it!? Did you kill her!?
    Alison: OH GOD HELP ME! OH PLEASE GOD FORGIVE ME!!!

    Emily somehow interprets Alison’s outburst as a murder confession? As if asking God for forgiveness is the exact equivalent to admitting that you committed a homicide??? DAT LOGIC. Besides, it’s astonishing how anybody can take what Alison says seriously when she’s so hooked on the drugs. This bitch is so mentally baked that she wouldn’t know who God is even if Marlene King appeared before her right now.

    Is Sabrina gonna hurry up and screw Emily already?
    Just to be clear, Alison might be barely lucid, but she never admitted to being a murderoo. Not that it stopped Emily from completely fabricating the scandalous melodrama in her head. *sob sob sob* Since Alison confessed (she didn’t) to killing Charlotte (she didn’t), I guess it’s for the best that Emily moves on to a new love interest this season… ENTER SABRINA.

    IMHO, Sabrina’s character trajectory has been a massive anomaly. Most PLL love interests immediately start a relationship with one of the liars, until their whirlwind romances die off in several episodes and these characters are never to be seen again. Sabrina has been appearing since last season, but we still haven’t witnessed any hanky-panky from her. You gotta wonder if this bitch is ever gonna put out for Emily? Hey Sabs, Pretty Little Liars is almost finished, so you might wanna hurry up and get a good screw in before your universe ends forever!

    Sabrina gives Emily some snark, hehehe.
    Emily and Sabrina picked up where they left off last season, which is casually flirting with each other, but there’s no material worth mentioning. However, I did enjoy a funny moment when Sabrina *tried* to be a snarky bitch, which totes *backfired* on her instead.

    Sabrina: Are you okay?
    Emily: Yeah, I’m fine…
    Sabrina: Again with the lies! 😒
    Emily: I’m so sorry!!! 😭😭😭
    Sabrina: …that was a joke? *lolawks*

    This conversation is the equivalent of apologizing for saying “good morning” to somebody. I’m so sorry I lied, this morning really isn’t that good!

    That Emison montage was a blatant piece of fanservice. Still epic as hell though.
    Emily’s relationship with Sabrina doesn’t matter, because it’ll never amount to anything. Especially since EMISON is so gonna be ULTIMATE ENDGAME. It’s no secret that Pretty Little Liars has been blatantly pandering to this fan base, going as far as to create an Emison love montage consisting of old clips from the past episodes. Holylol, dat montage made me feel like I was watching some sort of fan-made tribute video on YouTube. The fanservice on display was so shameless in its gratuitousness, I can’t help but laugh~

    AND DAT KISS THO. PLL even included extended footage of Emison’s legendary kiss from Season 5. Just when you thought the girls finished devouring each other’s faces, they continued licking, biting, slurping, sucking all night long. Makes you wonder why this wasn’t in the original episode? Doesn’t PLL know they were sitting on a fanservice goldmine with this X-rated footage?

    The red sweater definitely proves Alison killed Charlotte! Somehow, something!?
    Later, Emily was snooping through Alison’s house and rifling in her panty drawer to find a memorabilia, until she stumbled upon the red sweater. 😲😲😲 ZOMG TOTAL GAME CHANGER!!! This is inexplicably the irrefutable piece of evidence that proves Alison killed Charlotte, containing so much DNA evidence that they could just skip the court trials and send her directly to the electric chair for the death penalty.

    But wait, you ask, how can you be so sure that… NOPE. It has already been decided that Alison’s execution will proceed at 12 o’clock tomorrow. The defense may now adjourn.

    Emily betrays Alison and falsely accuses of murder YET AGAIN.
    Emily: I did see Ali…and I’m pretty sure she confessed to killing Charlotte.

    Excuse me, do you have your receipts, because I’m pretty sure she did NOT say that. Just to summarize, Alison is accused of murder after Emily made up a fake testimony and found an unwashed piece of laundry in her room. 🚨 THIS IS SOME SERIOUS BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE. 🚨 Like wtf, Emily!? You were supposed to be the most loyal DiLaurentis disciple! I mean, friggin’ Alison went down on you like a deep water scuba driver, and in exchange she still couldn’t secure a little loyalty outta dis bitch. 😒

    Aria and Toby are desperate to send Alison down for a murder that she didn't commit.
    Emily: Can we please go over this one more time? I love Hanna just as much as you all do, but we’re about to hand over one of our own for another!
    Aria: It’s different, Em. Hanna is innocent. ALI IS NOT!
    Toby: We don’t have time to debate this! Right now, Alison is safely locked up at Welby and Hanna’s life is on the line!

    U GUISE!!! There’s no time to contemplate a serious murder allegation that puts Alison’s life at risk! We must seal her fate now! You’d think one of the pretty little sheeple might remember how this same scenario played out in Season 5, after they spent a whole season accusing Alison of murder. If at first you don’t succeed, accuse and accuse again until you finally prosecute your friend for a crime she didn’t commit!

    Evil Elliott is such an evil mofo omfg.
    After throwing their friend under the bus, the pretty little liars can sleep happily at night knowing that they just saved Hanna’s life in exchange of dooming Alison’s. On the bright side, at least her devoted husband will always stay by her side and protect her! 😊 ……oh. 😞

    Elliott: How are you feeling? Maybe a little crazy? Don’t worry, I’m going to take care of you. I’m gonna make sure you live a long life rotting away in here. 😈

    Elliott drops the loving husband act and lets his *inner evil* shine brightly from within~ Beneath his fake mask and his fake accent and his fake personality, this guy’s real identity is a twisted sociopath. I don’t wanna kill you outright, because imma keep you here as my braindead frankenstein pet, pumping you with drugs and watching you suffer for an eternity!

    Poor Alison, is it too late to get a divorce from your evil husband?
    Elliott: I KNOW YOU KILLED CHARLOTTE. And just like you, Alison, karma can be such a bitch. 😈

    Alison’s life can be surmised in one word: KARMA. From the moment she first disappeared (karma!), to the moment she was buried alive by her mama (karma!), to the moment she was wrongfully imprisoned (karma!), to the moment her husband performed a lobotomy on her (karma!) Keep in mind that Alison was a bitch during her freshman year of high school, after which she had been constantly punished over the NEXT EIGHT YEARS, and she’s STILL being judged for her reputation as a teenager to this date.

    Um, you guys, it’s not like she blew up Hiroshima? Exactly how much more karma does a bitch have to take before we cut her some slack??? 😭

    31 Comments

    1. OMG, Love all the survivor reference in the recap. Amazing. <333

      I stopped watching since 6×10, but I'm still reading your recap! Plz keep going! <33333

      • Recap Everything used to be a huge Survivor fan, so these dorky reality TV references always have a special place in my heart. <3

        Don't worry if you quit hate-watching PLL, Recap Everything will take one for the team and keep watching until the bitter end, just so you'll continue to know how ridiculous this show is after you've stopped watching.

    2. Yay! You’re doing season 7! I can’t wait for Psycho Paige to return. Maybe she’ll try and drown Ali for old times sake seeing as this is supposed to be the final season of PLL.

      • Yes, Psycho Paige’s return is among one of my most anticipated character returns this season. We need to come up with a *drown list* so she’ll know exactly who to throw into the pool: Alison, Sabrina, and Sara Harvey too. <3

      • No, I think Sara Harvey is unkillable, unfortunately. There is no way to eradicate that cancer. :'(

      • So happy my Pokemon roster is complete, although I may update Hanna and Emily’s pictures at some point. I was actually worried that I wouldn’t be able to find a good avatar of Toby since he’s not the most expressive guy (aka. he’s a block of wood) but then I saw his overdone makeup and I knew that would be his legacy forever.

      • The Toby/Trump comparison gives me ~*chills*~ and now it can never been unseen. x_x

    3. OMG U r damn funny!! Than this episode..lol.The moment when the liars chose the best way to find d killer is by voting with a paper?!Really? #Dumbestideaever when Hanna is going through hell somewhere else!!!!
      I Really hate how Caleb is reacting to Spencer,He is cool with everyone else INCLUDING MONA?! But not to spencer..I mean he is complementing Mona but ignoring Spencer!?
      I want SPOBY now..

      • I laughed when I realize they were gonna vote for who the killer is~ Imagine if they did it IRL? Instead of voting for the next American Idol, we’d all be voting for who should be convicted of murder instead. #bestideaever

        The way Caleb treats Spencer is soooo gross. He has been a really gross human being in the past few episodes and I kinda hate him now,

        I want Spoby now x2

    4. Am loving this recap! Hope Hanna can survive ten years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take these idiots to find her with all their little side quests. Aria even dyed her hair darker in that 24 hour span! (Or PLL is just bad at continuity lol…who are we kidding of course they are)

      • I’m glad Hanna ended up rescuing herself because there was no way her friends were ever gonna find her lol. Lemme sit my ass in a car following Mary Drake around for 24 hours, that will surely save Hanna’s life! (P.S. lol @ Mary immediately finding Hanna as soon as Caleb/Mona stopped following her. That’s not ~suspicious~ at all.)

    5. Im pretty sure the only criteria Pretty Little Liars look for on people looking like siblings is them having the same hair color. Lol

      • Do you have two eyes, two ears, a nose, and a mouth? WE’RE TWINS!!! #PLLlogic

    6. Awesome recap. I actually stopped watching around 6×12 but your amazing recaps are giving me false hope that it’s stopped being like a soap opera. (That was a compliment btw, i can be confusing). I mean, has anyone noticed the ridiculous transition effects they use? It’s looking more like a MovieMaker project with every passing episode. Or maybe it’s just me…

      • I watch PLL precisely for the fact that it’s such a ridiculous soap opera disguised as a teen mystery drama. <3

        It's very hard *NOT* to notice those transition effects in the episodes. They were going overboard with it in the 6B previouslies, but I think they toned it down a little this season.

        Can't wait to see the checkerboard transition effect in action lulz.

    7. OMG your recaps give me life!! Also I completely agree that Caleb is an asshole and does not deserve any of Spencer’s nerdy greatness (I spent half an hour on the app store trying to find the “flag language“ app.) Neither does he deserve Hanna. Nor Mona.

      • Ugh, I know, Caleb keeps getting worse and worse this season. He definitely doesn’t deserve Spencer. Not Hanna either. And the only reason why I want to see him end up with Mona is because I know she’ll constantly cut him at the knees and make him suffer for life. ^_^

        Seriously though, why is Spencer’s app not a real thing yet? Where is the Kickstarter page to get this project started???

    8. Hey what if we discover there is a triplet to Jessica DiLaurentis and this one is the real A.D and who was Mona under a mask all along

      • OR…what if Jessica’s triplet takes off her mask and reveals herself to be Mona, only for their QUADRUPLET to appear and reveal herself as Mona’s twin. I will do anything to see two Jessica clones to square off against two Mona clones. :O :O :O

    9. Did anyone notice the same blue jacket spencer has in the vision of Hannah…the girl in the bar has on looking at Aria? Could’ve been that girl pretending to be Spencer. Or I don’t know…

    10. ¿ como me has encotrado ? buenos, no solo nos parecemos tambien pensamos similar – te arriesgastes mucho viniendo aqui. – no tenia otra opcion. Alison, me pediste ayuda en Raveswood ahora yo necesito la tuya ¿ estas seguro de que esto funcionara ? debe hacerlo no tengo tengo otra eleccion deberiamos estar bien si lo hacemos hoy. la policia todavia esta buscando en filadelfia – ¿ te lo estas repensado ? . no. solo acabo de darme cuenta de que esta puedes ser la ultimas vez que te vea. no sean tan dramatica Alison ya nos conoces siempre encontramos la manera de volver a reunirnos ¿ esta es la parte donde se besan ? teniar que preguntar. sera mejor te vaya Gracias TU HARIAS LO MISMO POR MI

    11. PAGINA 1 – ¿ pronto ? no pronto no me sirve. ¿ entiendes ? pronto era en el momento en el que el cheque fue cobrado mira, si no tengo las pruebas antes de que acabe la semana. llamare a la policia escuchar, tu . – has estado evitandome – ¿ te sorprende ? – no no realmente – ¿ que es lo que quieres ? solo quiera saber como te va estaba preocupada por ti todo por lo que has pasado estos ultimos dos años – ¿ Eso es todo ? ¿ que quieres decir – ¿ no estas aqui buscando un disculpa ? – claro que no tu estabas de luto Alison y yo sabiamos como encontrar – problemas entiendo por que pensabas que tal vez la habria ayudado a huir nadie que ella estaba – puedes decirlo -MUERTA

    12. – si, bueno,, no ayudo que rompieras conmigo al dia siquiente – tuve mis razones – ¿ te importaria explicarte ? – no creo que quieras que haga eso – tu y Alison siempre jugando con las personas nosotras estabas echas la una para la otra, ¿ sabias no te importo a quien herite, ¿ verdad ? en el momentos en el que te conocio se alejo de nosotros ¿ que quieres decir ? – estoy diciendo que ella era una NIÑA jugando a juegos infantiles hasta que tu llegaste y la ayudaste a subir al siquiente nivel – Ok. eso es graciaoso viniendo de ti – ¿ perdona ? – ¿ crees que no sabia lo que tu y tus amiguitos hacias ? no JUEGUES a la victima inocente. conmigo jason

    13. no podia confiar en nadie despues de lo de bethany asi encontre una manera de escapar de radley sin irme nunca toc toc mama traigo unas noticas fantasticas. ¿ me van a dejar salir ? bueno algo asi o estoy encerrada aqui o no no hay una manera de ser solo medio parciente en radley la justa te ha concedido el permiso para asistir a clases, en la universidad de pennsylvania ¿ como lo has hecho ? ¿ como ? tu lo hecho charlotte enseñandoles lo inteligente que eres no, no no llores estoy muy osgrullosa de ti ” pense que ir a clases seria divertido pero ya sabia la mayoria de cosas que estaba enseñando un dia, las clases se cancelaron. vale, llame con la amenaza de bomba sabia que era un riesgo

    14. pero necesitaba ver a mi familia ¿ te mataria si sonrieses ? ¿ y a ti importa ? ¿ un poco qusero ? lo siento ¿ que ? ¿ podemos volver a empezar ? soy jason jason dilaurentis sequiente, por favor ¿ fuiste lncluso a la escuela aqui ? no pero apuesto a que hubiera sido la chica mas guapa del anuario no me has dicho tu nombre tiene razon no te lo he dicho me llamo cece drake se lo que van a decir es de locos que saliese con mi hermano – ¿ que ? – vale eso es de enfermos, Alison como te dicho, se mi hermano ¿ por que crees que siempre estaba tan enfadado ? estaba muy frustrado. ¿ y a quien podia culpar ? mirame no puedo creer que mama estuviera de acuerdo con esto mama no sabia que cece era charlotte hasta el dia que nos fuimos a cape May

    15. ¿ como has podido arresgar todo por lo que hasta trabajado tan duro mama ¿ puedes bajar de voz, por favor jaosn y Alison estan dentro si se enteraran. me matarian ¿ asi que todo este tiempo has estado fingiendo ir a clases mientras estabas por Rosewood con mis hijos yo tambien soy tu hija solo queria estar con mi familia. jason pidio tu padre si podia traser a su novia a cape, esta de camino a casa para ir a buscarte ¿ que pasaria si me descubrese ? mama. ¿ que pasaria si me descubrese ? cree que esta muerta ¿ le dijiste que esa tumba era real ? todo este tiempo pense que lo hiciste por mi pero lo hiciste por ti lo hiciste para protegerte ¿ QUE ?

    16. no solo enterraste a charles sino me enterraste tu sucio secretos le mentir que finalmenete tu pudieses ser tu misma nunca lo habria permitido vale se que me estoy llevando muchas cosas ahora no. Alison ! mama ! no sabia que estabas en casa esta es cece estaba en el porche cuando he aparcado es un encanto. jason – hola – hola deber ser cece soy el Sr dilaurentis es un placer conocerle.. pero veo que estas listos para iros asi que vos voy a dejar a nuestro aire pero pensaba que verias con nosotros ¿ en serio ? oh dios este a ser el mejor verano de mi vida se que pasaste por mucho ese verano pero tambien nos divertimos mocho Alison cada vez que me acuerdo de algo tengo que verlo de una forma diferente ahora

    17. ¿ quieres descansar un poco. ? no. chico, esta trabajando sin parar no tenemos que acabarla hoy ¿ tiene otro trabajo al que ir a que ? o que ? no. supongo que la gente aqui. todavia te lo hacer pasar mal. ¿ no. ? solo para que conste. toby nunca crei que fuese clupable de algo excepto, quiza de estar en el lugar. equivocado en el momento equivocado. he pasando por eso. ¿ quien es ? ¿ melissa ? me hola soy Spencer. ¿ por que pensarias que era melissa ¿ estuvo viendo mucho por aqui ? un par de veces el cartero sique dandole el ustedes mis cosas. voy a ir a por una bebida ¿ quieres algo. toby. ? estoy bien ¿ tu ? – no. gracias chico, le invitaria dentro pero el lugar parece de locos ? me corte.

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