Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 6 Episode 13

Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 6 Episode 13
Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 6 Episode 13
Pretty Little Liars Recap - Pretty Little Liars Season 6 Episode 13
ARE YOU READY FOR SPALEB SEX??? Their hilariously pornographic love saga continues. Also: Ezra has a LOLPSYCHO meltdown, Lucas is now a rich nerd, and Emily is selling her scrambled eggs.
Pretty Little Liars Recaps » Season 6 Episode 13 »
  • This is the episode where Pam finds out Emily is a college flunkie.
  • This is the episode where we find out Emily's deep dark secret after the time skip.
  • P.S. Emily's awful storyline in Season 6B is leaving me EGGS-HAUSTED.
  • This is the episode where Lucas returns after the time skip.
  • This is the episode where Spencer and Caleb first hooked up.
  • Pretty Little Liars Season 6 Episode 13 Review

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    PLL Recap: Pretty Little Liars Season 6 Episode 13

    The episode recap has 16 comments from the best readers ever.
    The episode begins with the pretty little liars wearing fluffy white robes and big cucumber slices over their eyes.
    One of my favourite things to do after an episode of Pretty Little Liars is to browse through the fashion blogs to find out exactly how expensive these bitches’ clothes are. Here’s a typical reaction: “The retail price for Aria’s humungous alien dreamcatcher earrings are HOW MANY digits!?!?” So, imagine my surprise when I discover that none of these so-called renowned PLL fashion bloggers mention the best ensemble in the history of the show. Why are none of you talking about these fluffy white robes and those big cucumber slices over the eyes!?

    Don’t worry, fashionistas! Recap Everything will pick up the slack and tell you where to find the exact outfit that the pretty little liars wore in this scene! Robe: Head to your bathroom and find one in your laundry basket. Cucumber Slices: Comes free of charge with every salad ordered at Applebee’s. Also purchasable in your nearest supermarket.

    This will not end well for you, Hanna Marin.

    The pretty little liars are bitching about Ezra and Aria, which is arguably a pretty relaxing activity.
    This episode begins with the pretty little liars relaxing at a spa retreat, where they spend most of the session bitching endlessly and talking mad smack about EZRIA (which is arguably a pretty relaxing activity, if I do say so myself~ 😁)

    Spencer: The police didn’t ask us to stick around to exfoliate. There’re gonna be questions!
    Emily: Aria doesn’t know where Ezra went after she left him.
    Spencer: Yeah, but she knows he was in a ~dark place~.
    Emily: Just cuz you’re ~depressed~ doesn’t mean you ~pick up a weapon~.
    Spencer: Okay, guys. We’re here to chill, not spill.

    That’s totally gonna be my new life mantra from now on: *less spill, more chill*. Along with my other new life mantra: *less encumber, more cucumber please*!

    Spencer was hating on Ezra and Aria so much so fast during this scene. It was GLORIOUS.
    Ezra is currently the new murder suspect du jour. The pretty little liars are convinced that he killed Charlotte and Aria must have helped him to cover it up. Spencer has a particularly hilarious hate-on for them, making so many snide digs and petty remarks towards Ezria that her burning hatred warmed my cold heart. ❤️

    Spencer: Why lie!? Why not just say ‘I snuck out to go meet Ezra’!? It’s just SO twisted. She hasn’t even spoken to Fitz in like five years! And now, if he did this for her, they’re gonna be bound together forever!

    Leave it to Pretty Little Liars to somehow twist a cold-blooded murder into yet another Ezria moment. Oh em gee, Ezra only killed to protect Aria! And now they’re bound together forever! That’s so gosh darn romantic!

    Spencer and Emily's cucumber slices fall off when they find out that Hanna deleted all of the security footage around the time of Charlotte's murder.
    All of a sudden, Hanna drops a bombshell on her friends and casually tells them that she deleted the hotel security footage. Not all the videos though, just the ones that would’ve given the liars a concrete alibi around the time of Charlotte’s death. Upon hearing this, Spencer and Emily jumped up so fast that their cucumber slices fell off! EXCUSE ME BITCH, YOU DID WHAT!?!?
    Why is Hanna such a dumb bitch every single time!?!?
    Both of them are so flabbergasted that they don’t even have the energy to clock Hanna, who remains blissfully ignorant about the consequences of her actions. Hey, remember when she buried a gun behind the sorority house? Or the time when she wanted to confess to a murder that she didn’t commit? Or the time she led the police to a storage facility with Mona’s body remains? All of Hanna’s mastermind schemes always end up going so well in her favour!

    I say this every single time, but HANNA MARIN IS THE DUMBEST BITCH EVER. *sighs* Sometimes, I’m curious about what does the inside of her brain look like. Evidently, it must be a vast empty space with lettuce, cucumber slices, salad dressing, and not much else.

    Ashley has to resort to her old tricks in order to clear her daughter's name from this crime.
    Unfortunately for Hanna, the police are already onto her and have noticed that the hotel security footage was conspicuously wiped clean. As a result, Mama Marin comes under fire for her daughter’s colossal fuck-ups once again.

    Lorenzo: We have an IT specialist determining whether there’s a malfunction with the device or…
    Ashley: Or what?
    Lorenzo: Or it was deleted.
    Ashley: W-what are you implying!?

    Oh Ashley, we’ve been down this road before. You know exactly what Detective Lorenzo is implying. Your daughter did it and there’s only one way out of this. Better get on your knees and start sucking, missy!

    Lorenzo looks exactly like Scooby Doo.
    SIDEBAR: I wanna point out how perfectly apt it is that Lorenzo does detective work and solves mysteries, considering how much he looks like Scooby Doo. C’mon, am I seriously the only one who sees the comparison? I think it’s because they both have that earnest expression whenever they get confused over something. This unexpected twin twist is kinda distracting me, because every time Lorenzo appears on the show, I keep waiting for the rest of the Scooby Doo gang to appear too. *lol*
    Hanna continues to lie to her mom even though her stupid lie got her into trouble with the police.
    Hanna is such a dumbass that she doesn’t even understand why the police are bringing in Mama Marin for further questioning. What, I’m so shocked! Why would they suspect my mom for the missing footage when she’s only the manager of the hotel and oversees all the operations at this business establishment!? It’s unthinkable!

    Hanna: Why do they have to speak with you?
    Ashley: THEY’RE INVESTIGATING A MURDER, HANNA! I have a daughter who is staying here and who was once tortured by the victim! Don’t look so surprised!

    The worst part is how Hanna continues to lie to her mom about deleting the footage. No, I didn’t do it! No, wasn’t me! Um bitch, if you’re gonna commit a felony, at least tell your mom the truth so that she can prepare in advance and help you clean up your mess. 😒

    Sara Harvey is like a cancer cell.

    Guess who else was just chilling and relaxing at the spa? Damn right, it’s Sara Harvey and her kentucky fried hands! Y’know, I didn’t think it was possible for Sara to become any more of an annoying parasite, but dis bitch has evolved into some kind of nasty malaria plague that infected Emily and won’t leave her alone. Seriously, she is EVERYWHERE with her robot arms and her freaky 90-degree head turns. Emily can’t even go to the washroom in peace without Sara appearing inside the toilet bowl and climbing up her grill!
    How does Sara have so much free time to stalk Emily and follow her everywhere she goes???
    Emily: SARA!? How long have you been there!? Why are you following me!? First the cemetery and now here!? Why did you even come to Rosewood!? ANSWER ME!!!!
    Sara: Last time I checked, this was the quiet room~ 🙊

    Every time Emily tries to ask Sara why she is behaving like such a creepy stalker, she always gets some kind of LOLTROLL response. I’m genuinely confused about how Sara has that much free time in her schedule to follow Emily around 24/7. What does she do with her days!? Does she have a life!? Where are her friends and family!? Besides, doesn’t she have to work? How does this bitch even make enough money to live in a swanky hotel? Last time I checked, full-time stalking isn’t exactly a job that pays the rent!

    Sara Harvey is basically like a cancer cell. She exists solely to scare you and be evil.
    It’s best to think of Sara Harvey as a cancer cell. There’s no good explanation about why she exists. Her only purpose on this earth is to scare you and be evil. You can try your best to ignore her, but you can’t get rid of her forever. The cancer cell known as Sara Harvey will eventually grow and grow into some kind of malignant tumour, until the day she finally turns her head towards you and declare: “YOU’RE DEAHHHHD.”
    Emily's mom is sooooo annoying and it's no wonder Emily can't spend three seconds with her mother before making a prompt exit.
    Poor Emily already has enough on her plate without worrying about Sara’s pesky ass. Mama Fields is constantly on her daughter’s case, sticking her nose in where it doesn’t belong. I know Pam means well, but good god woman please give it a rest! Go turn on the TV and watch a daytime soap instead of micromanaging and interfering with your daughter’s life all the time!

    It has gotten to a point where Emily can’t even spend three seconds with her mom before bolting it outta there. She’d rather be stalked outside by Sara Harvey than to be nagged to death at home by her own mother. That’s how annoying you are, Mama Fields! 😩

    Pam actually believes that Emily wants to get into a grad school when she didn't even graduate college.
    Pam’s latest project is to help Emily get into a good grad school, because she genuinely believes that her brilliant scholar daughter wants to further her education after graduating at the top of her class with honours! My child is such an ambitious overachiever! *lolno*

    To be honest, it’s amazing how Emily managed to pull the wool over her mom’s eyes and maintain this incredibly unbelievable lie for YEARS. You’d think she might have a hard enough time lying about her nonexistent bachelor’s degree and her nonexistent scientific career already, but this bitch went ahead and lied to her mom about her nonexistent grad school ambitions too. Unless they start offering graduate degrees in bartending, I don’t think that’s gonna be happening any time soon hun.

    Pam reads Emily's mail and finds out that her daughter actually dropped out of school, lolwhoops!
    Unfortunately, Emily’s lie is soon EXPOSED when Mama Fields sees her flunked report card in the mail! I love how much Pam didn’t give a shit when she saw her daughter’s name on the envelope and proceeded to read the confidential letter without a moment of hesitation. Snooping through her child’s mail is such a Pam thing to do, y’know?

    I wish we actually got to see the contents of the letter. I imagine it’s some kind of legal document from Pepperdine University stating: “Emily Fields, we are issuing you a formal warning to stop telling people that you graduated from our prestigious school! You’re making us look bad!”

    Pam confronts her daughter over being a lying college dropout.
    Pam: Was it all just lies!? I mean, all the details!? I must’ve looked like an idiot, sending you care packages because you didn’t like the food in the cafeteria! When did you drop out!?

    Can we just skip to the part where Mama Fields finishes her angry tirade and files legal emancipation to disown her daughter? I thought I’d be more excited to watch the dramatic fallout from this storyline, but then I remember that I’ll need to hear Pam’s shrill voice on full blast. 😩 Hilariously enough, Emily got kinda bored at this point and already blocked out her nagging mother’s voice like Charlie Brown does with the adults. *lol*

    Sara is now stalking Emily from a bench. Of course she would be there in her wannabe biker get-up.
    Of course that stalking scarecrow Sara would be needlessly there, watching all the drama unfold from her front row seat. Back when A was around, Charlotte did most of her stalking stealthily and inconspicuously, lurking in dark shadows and hiding behind creepy masks. Unlike Sara Harvey, who has no qualms about indulging in her voyeuristic fetishes out in the open in broad daylight. Like bitch, do you mind? If you gotta stalk, then can you at least do it outta my sight!?

    To be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about Shower Harvey anymore. She perplexes me as a human being. At first, her stalking felt annoying. Then it became creepy. But now she has been so persistent that it’s kinda funny? I guess I appreciate her character in the same way I appreciate this season of Pretty Little Liars. Each episode is hilariously pointless, but I still feel a touch of fondness mixed with disdain.

    Emily donned on a Halloween costume from Shana's costume shop in order to take her graduation photo.
    After her initial outburst, Pam calmed down and had a reasonable conversation with Emily, telling her daughter how disappointed she is blah blah blah. I’m actually not that invested in this college flunkie storyline, because I absolutely DO NOT believe for a second that Emily could get away with such an outrageous lie for so freaking long. Evidently, Papa Fields must have all the brains in the family, but did Pam seriously not suspect a thing? Not even when she missed her own daughter’s graduation ceremony? You gotta be bullshitting me. COME ON.

    Pam: *points to Emily’s graduation photo* Did you get that at a costume shop?

    On second thought, I’ll overlook all the plot holes in this storyline if only to validate that legendary zinger. LOLOLOLOL~

    Why isn't Pam upset that her daughter lied to her for four years about dropping out of college?
    Near the end of the episode, there’s a terribly rushed conclusion where Pam experiences an off-screen epiphany, comes to terms with her daughter’s deceit, and decides to forgive her for fucking up her education. Umm, okay? What’s the point of this entire after school special if they’re just gonna neatly resolve everything in less than a minute?

    I WANT SOME DRAMA. I don’t understand why Pam isn’t more furious? Bitch, you should be FUMING! You paid FOUR YEARS of tuition money just for a crappy photo of Emily playing dress-up in Shana’s costume shop! C’mon, your lying daughter deserves A SLAP!

    Emily and Pam promise to tell each other all their secrets from now on. *awks*
    Pam: I want you to promise me something. I never want you to go through something alone. We can go through it together. Promise?

    Aww, what a sweet bonding moment between mother and daughter! No more lies! We can go through it together! After this poignant ~*character building*~ experience, I’m sure Emily will definitely tell her mom everything happening in her life from now on… EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE SHE’S PUTTING HER OVARIES ON SALE!!!

    Emily bitches out Sara Harvey for being a stalker bitch once again.
    Before we talk about Emily’s black market eggs (oh, we’ll get there~), let’s spend some more time on Sara Harvey as if you aren’t sick to death talking about her already! Emily is fed up with this parasite rash of a human being, so she marches up to the bitch and cusses her out.

    Emily: I want an answer! Why are you here!? If Charlotte was as horrible as you told the judge she was, why did you go to her funeral? Did you lie in court? Was it all an act so you could walk out like a victim?

    During these past few years, it seems like Sara has served time either at prison or in some alien containment facility, but the judge reduced her sentence due to her Stockholm Syndrome (or “Swedish Syndrome” as Hanna would say) and also because she betrayed Charlotte in court. Long story short: UGH NOBODY CARES ABOUT SARA HARVEY’S BACKSTORY. JUST GO AWAY.

    Am I supposed to feel bad that Sara can't use her hands? BECAUSE I DON'T.
    Ever since Season 6B started, Pretty Little Liars has been teasing us about Sara’s mysterious accident that left her hands permanently disfigured and her face perpetually stuck on stank mode. So now she walks around wearing various assortments of gloves or prosthetic robot arms or whatever. I feel bad for saying this, but the way Sara struts around town taunting the liars with her gloved hands is such a BLATANT ATTENTION-GRABBING PLOY that she gives people with real disabilities a bad name. 😠
    Sara burned her hands on some electrical wires during the confrontation at Radley
    In a flashback, we finally find out whatever happened to Sara Harvey five years ago! It turns out they retconned the Season 6A finale (sidebar: while they’re at it, could they retcon A’s identity too?) and inserted an extra scene after Emily punched the daylights out of her at Radley. Sara tried to get up from the floor, but she accidentally misplaced her hands on some leaky electrical wires and the bitch zapped herself to death! Erm, well, unfortunately she didn’t die, but she did paralyze her pair of hands forever!

    When I first saw this happening, my initial reaction was BWHAHAHAHA. SARA HARVEY IS SUCH A STUPID CLUMSY BITCH. 😆😆😆 The funniest part is after she finished zapping her right hand, this genius decided to put her left hand on the frying pan too! My only regret is that I wish Sara placed her entire head on the electrical fryer, that would’ve capped off the perfect scene. 😆

    Sara Harvey electrocuted herself! Stop passing the buck!
    Am I being too callous to Sara for injuring herself in an accidental safety hazard? Possibly, but let’s be clear that she did this to herself. For the past three episodes, we were subjected to countless scenes of the liars going paranoid and whispering lines like “ZOMG WHAT IF SARA TOLD THE POLICE WHAT WE DID TO HER!!!111” which was exhausting as hell. What I don’t understand is why the liars made it sound like *they* were the ones who paralyzed her when the reality is that *Sara* electrocuted herself.

    Not that it stopped Sara from misconstruing the events and blaming the pretty little liars for causing her injury. Um no, that’s not what happened? Before Emily punched her, 🚨 SARA HARVEY WAS GONNA BLOW UP THE PLACE. 🚨 Were the others supposed to stand idly by and do nothing? The bottom line is that Sara would still have full function over her hands if only she wasn’t such an evil bitch. Sorry gurl, but that’s on you.

    Can Emily punch Sara in the face again? Pretty please?
    Sara: I don’t know about the others…but I know you feel guilty, Emily.
    Emily: Guilty!? I’ve nothing to feel guilty about!
    Sara: Should I take my gloves off???

    OMFG STFU SARA HARVEY!!! Ugh, why is this bitch acting so smug when she’s basically in the wrong about EVERYTHING!? I give Emily full permission to do us all a favour and punch Sara in the fucking face again. Bitch, you deserved it!!!

    Move over, Shakespeare. Ezra is better than you.

    The famous Pigtunia makes a cameo appearance once again!
    Aria and Liam are trying to make their long-distance relationship work with their cutesy little webcam dates. I think this is supposed to be some kind of online work conference, but both of them were like lol fuq dat let’s talk about what’s inside Aria’s bedroom!

    Liam: Is that a stuffed pig behind you?
    Aria: Yeah, that’s Pigtunia.
    Liam: Wait, is there a picture of Justin Timberlake on one of those walls?

    No way, I can’t see Aria as a JT fangirl during her heydays. Not her style. Going by her choices in men, she’d probably be into someone like…Nick Lachey. Actually, knowing Aria, she’ll say that she’s into Nick Lachey but then goes and cheats on him with Nick Carter in her teenage boy band fantasies. *lol*

    Liam is only on Pretty Little Liars to provide Aria and the viewers with updates on Ezra's book.
    Liam is pretty adorable, right? Too bad he’s a totally pointless and irrelevant character whose only purpose is to provide the occasional update on Ezra’s book. Every so often, he’ll pipe up like a fifth grader giving a school book report: *UPDATE: Ezra is struggling on the second chapter* *UPDATE: Jillian is not happy with the lack of progress* *UPDATE: Ezra needs to submit his pages by tomorrow*. I mean, Liam is basically like a talking version of a progress bar.

    Despite his inherent uselessness, I still really like Liam! It’s just too bad that the only outcome to his character’s fate is for Aria to rip his heart out, stomp on it, spit a few times, turn around and make out with Ezra, before turning back to deliver one final blow to his remains. I keep telling myself not to get attached to this filler character, because the more I like Liam, the more brutal his exit will feel. 😭

    Liam's webcam striptease was awkward as hell to watch.
    OMG. Dat awkward striptease tho. I can only watch it by peeking through my fingers, cringe cringe cringe. Pretty Little Liars needs to understand that Liam’s appeal is his bookish charm and that he looks cute in a pair of glasses, and not… *motions hand towards the screen* …not whatever this is.

    The shirtless scene made me uncomfortable because it just felt so forced and unnatural. Pretty Little Liars is akin to the lecherous old pervert telling Liam’s virginal character that the only way to get the fans to like you is to take off your shirt. He reminds me of a *webcam girl* undressing in front of the cameras against his will, and he’s only doing this because his nude photos will be leaked to the internet unless he does what the cameraman says.

    Liam, just wanted to let you know that you're stripping for a public audience. Carry on.
    Liam thought he was putting on a private strip show for his girlfriend, but nope you have a public audience! When he started unbuttoning his shirt, Aria quickly adjusted the web camera towards her friends so that they can get a full frontal view of da goods. Liam was a good sport about it, but the scene still made me feel like I’m part of some sleazy webcam fetish community. Any moment now, I expect Aria to ask her boyfriend to wear a Princess Valhalla Hawkwind costume and sit on some cakes for the live streaming audience to see.
    How can Aria tell a bold-faced lie about missing Liam when she already slept with Ezra?
    Liam: I miss you. 😘
    Aria: I miss you too. 😘
    Emily & Hanna: *exchange a knowing look*

    The funniest moment is when Liam and Aria were saying goodbye to each other with their cutesy “I miss you”, and then we see Hanna and Emily turn to each other to exchange A LOOK in the background. Hey Aria, I think you’re being judged. *lol* You gotta admit, this two-timing ho has some cheek telling Liam she missed him when she was just caught sneaking around with Ezra. The worst part is that poor Liam doesn’t know he’s actually considered *the other woman* even though he’s the one in a *legitimate relationship* with Aria. 🙈

    Aria spends all of her time with Ezra instead of Liam anyway. Why are they still dating?
    RHETORICAL QUESTION: Is it still considered a love triangle when Aria spends all of her time talking to Ezra, working with Ezra, flirting with Ezra, sleeping with Ezra, and doing none of that with Liam? This love triangle has been such a colossal waste of everyone’s time because it’s so fucking obvious Aria would pick Ezra over Liam from the start. It’s not even considered a competition. Liam is just some flannel shirt in a pair of glasses that Aria occasionally shares a scene with before she goes running back to her Ezwah again.

    Aria and Ezra are spending all this alone time together because of their book. Ah yes, the fabled Ezria book. Where do we begin with this literary masterpiece? Shall I read the first passage? CHAPTER ONE: Once upon a time, there was a horny high school teacher who banged his teenage student in a bar…

    I know in my heart of hearts that Ezra is a terrible crappy writer no matter how much Aria tries to convince us otherwise.
    Ezra: There, that’s what I have. I started the first chapter in Colombia and was about halfway through the second when Nicole… Look, it’s crap. It’s crap.

    Even though Ezra outright admits that his own writing is SHITE, Aria throws heaps of effervescent praise upon the bestest writer in this lifetime… no, in this decade… no, in the history of this world! Honestly, Ezra could drop trou and take a steaming load on a sheet of paper, and it wouldn’t matter because Aria still gobbles up the imaginary words like gold. That’s how smitten she is with his crappy ass writing.

    Aria leaves over-the-top biased reviews about Ezra's crappy unfinished book.
    Aria: It’s really good, Ezra! REALLY good! Look, forget who I work for. I don’t give a damn about what anyone else thinks. This is ME talking. You need to FINISH this book! I want the entire world to know who you really are!

    Oh my fucking godddddd. 💩💩💩💩 Aria is so far up Ezra’s ass that you need a construction forklift to yank her out of her sacred temple. The funniest part is how she acts like she’s such an impartial critic. Forget who I work for! Forget what anyone else says! Yes, because Aria is known for being a beacon of neutrality. Every time Aria compliments Ezra’s book to high heavens, she might as well have the words *BIASED BITCH* tattooed on her forehead.

    Aria describes Ezra as compassionate, sensitive, and kind. Those are not the three words I would've used.
    Aria: You are compassionate. Sensitive. You’re kind.
    Ezra: Maybe I’m not?

    Okay, are we still talking about Ezra’s writing? Also, are we even talking about the same person? Those are not the first three words in my vocabulary that I would use to describe him. Let me use Ezra’s own words for a more accurate depiction of his character: “Look, it’s crap. It’s crap.”

    Emily can't appreciate the classic masterpiece written by the greatest writer of our time, Ezra Fitz.
    Aria: *reading* And still there they were stars reeling overhead the earth barely moving beneath them. He knew in that moment whether they made it through this night or not he finally found his match. *SOBBING* Okay, is it just me or is this amazing!? 😭
    Emily: …is he writing about you? 😑

    What’s wrong with you, Emily Fields!? How can you not appreciate such literary perfection from the greatest writer known to humanity? The words! The man! The sheer artistry! Oh my god, I just experienced an orgasmic rupture after letting those beautiful, poignant passages sink into my soul! Centuries from now, society will still admire and analyze this timeless masterpiece for both education and recreation. Ezra Fitzgerald’s writing truly contains the key to life!!!

    Aria rips into Emily when she offers a second opinion on Ezra's writing.
    Aria: What are you talking about!? No, this book is about him and Nicole.
    Emily: Well, I’m just saying the description…
    Aria: She was small. Like me. Big deal. Ezra likes small women. GET A GRIP.

    Wow, Aria sucks at lit crit. It’s like she can’t accept the fact that another reader might have a second interpretation over the writing and immediately shoots down Emily’s point of view. Are we talking about the same book? Because the story can only be interpreted in one way! How can anyone have such a wrong opinion? Do you even know how to read, Emily!? GET A GRIP.

    Aria refuses to listen any time someone criticizes how creepy it is that she has a relationship with her high school teacher.
    Aria: Why would you say that!?
    Emily: Aria, you guys went through a lot together!
    Aria: That was high school!
    Emily: Not for him!

    LMAO DEAD. 😆😆😆 I love how Aria’s friends normally pretend they’re so supportive of this teacher-student romance, but when push comes to shove, their true feelings about Ezria always come tumbling out of the closet. Emily proceeds to take another hilariously underhanded swipe at Ezra (“We’re reading an unfinished book from someone who may have killed…” 😁) before Aria put a finger in both her ears and shouted LALALALALA~ THINK HAPPY EZRIA THOUGHTS~ in order to end this argument.

    Aria's boss calls Ezra a fraud and says he's two months away from teaching creative writing on a cruise ship.
    Unfortunately, Ezra’s creativity has run dry after pooping out the first chapter and now he’s stuck with perpetual writer’s block. No matter how much Aria tries to inspire her literary legend to keep writing, he can’t be arsed to work on his book. I’m not sure why Aria doesn’t just publish the first chapter as a bestselling novel since she claims it’s sooooo perfect already, but apparently you need more than ten words on a page before your book can go into print.

    Liam: Jillian said if she doesn’t have something from Fitz tomorrow, she’s moving on. She left me this long message about how he was a fraud and two months away from teaching creative writing on a cruise ship.

    LMAO. That was a pretty sick burn. Can we please cut out a few of the Ezria scenes in this episode and hear the full uncensored version of Jillian’s glorious rant instead?

    Ezra says his collection of necrophilic images are for research. Erm, okay.
    Ezra might actually be able to work on his book if he wasn’t too busy obsessing over his dead girlfriend and jerking off to the creepy corpse p0rn on his thumb drive.

    Aria: So, um, I looked at that thumb drive that I took from your place…
    Ezra: It’s just research.
    Aria: Ezra, there’re some horrifying images! Is there anything on there other than research?

    First of all, I love how they’re calling it “research”. Researching what? How to identify if a corpse is decaying or not? Second of all, WHAT COULD BE ON THERE THAT IS WORSE THAN EZRA’S CREEPY NECROPHILIC PORN COLLECTION!? 😱 Oh wait, do I even wanna know the answer? 😱

    Ezra has a LOLPSYCHO meltdown.

    Ezra broke a chair at the hotel like a frigging psycho.
    OMG. Ezra was also involved in a past SCANDAL that caused the hotel to BAN him from being served alcohol forever. When your only defense is “erm, nobody broke a chair~”, lol gurl you know you’re a real repressed psycho.

    Ashley: Please, this is awkward…
    Ezra: Look, Ashley, nobody broke a chair!
    Ashley: It was an *incident*.

    If only we got to the full uncensored version of Ezra’s rager because it sounds absolutely amazing. Ugh, who keeps removing all this interesting footage from the show? Was it you, Hanna!?

    A picture of Aria's angry angelfish face says a thousand words.
    If Ezra is able to break a chair, then he’s definitely capable of breaking Charlotte’s neck before throwing her from the bell tower! Is that too much of a stretch? Well, it’s still a more logical murder accusation than whatever incoherent nonsense the pretty little liars came up with against him. The girls seem to think Ezra must be the killer because…I dunno, eenie meenie miney moe?

    Oh no, even Aria thinks her beloved Ezra must have done the deed! The angry little goblin was so livid that she barged into his apartment and MADE. DAT. FACE. *omfg* I will definitely see that angry angelfish face in my nightmares tonight. *shivers*

    Aria is willing to lie and cover-up for murderer just to protect her beloved Ezra!
    Aria: Look, Ezra, I know you’re lost right now! I know you’re filled with anger and you’re full of despair…
    Ezra: What the hell are you talking about?
    Aria: CHARLOTTE. For God’s sake, don’t make me say it, Ezra! Look, I know why you did what you did! And I will do whatever it takes to help you! I swear, if you want me to lie for you, I will! I know you did this to protect me!!!

    WOW. And just like that, Aria’s moral conscience goes out the window! I can’t say I’m surprised, but I’m still kinda shocked she’d go this far to cover up for her evil killer boyfriend. In her twisted mind, Aria must think it’s super romantic for the two of them to commit a crime together. Don’t worry, my love! I will be the Bonnie to your Clyde! I will be the Amanda Knox to your Raffaele Sollecito! I will be the Harley Quinn to your Joker!

    Aria's hilariously animated facial expressions crack my shit up.
    I don’t know what’s scarier, Aria’s lack of ethical principles or her hilariously animated expressions during this scene. GRRRR LOOK AT ME AND MAH ANGRY GOBLIN FACE! One of these days, somebody out there needs to create a set of custom emojis containing the hundreds of RIDICULOUS ARIA FACES throughout the course of this show. (lol who am i kidding, it’s gonna be me~)

    Angry Aria!
    Angrier Aria!
    Angriest Aria!
    ANGRRRRRY ARRRRRRIA!

    The Anti-Ezra Brigade has finally assembled in front of his doorstep!
    Soon enough, the other townsfolk storm into Ezra’s apartment with torches, pitchforks, and baseless murder accusations. BURN THE WITCH! BURN HIM AT THE STAKE! Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just pouring more kerosene around the bonfire. 😁😁😁

    Poor Ezra thought it was just gonna be a quiet Friday evening as he downloads the latest videos from SexyCorpses.com, so imagine his surprise when he’s thrown into a confrontation with three raging aggro bitches at his doorstep. Oh, dat motherfucker won’t know what hit him, chuckle chuckle chuckle. I waited six years for this day to finally happen, but I’m so glad the Anti-Ezra Brigade has finally assembled. TEAR HIM A NEW ONE, LADIES!!!

    I wish the pretty little liars actually made some sense when they were attacking Ezra for all the shit he didn't do.
    As much as I love the idea of three shrieking harpies giving Ezra hell in a handbasket, it was more fun ~in theory~ than ~in practice~. The pretty little liars are attacking him for the wrong reasons. He didn’t kill Charlotte and they don’t have a case against him, but these girls are still screaming and yelling and polluting the air with their nonsense.

    Hanna: You didn’t protect Aria! I protected Aria! And we’re not gonna go down for this because you thought you would slay the dragon! My mom may go down for this too! He needs to own up to what he did!!!

    How is any of this Ezra’s fault? Hanna, you kinda sabotaged yourself? As you may know, I rarely take Ezra’s side in any argument because he’s always ethically wrong by default, but this witch hunt is so fucking ridiculous that I can’t even root against him properly!

    Spencer is so frigging obsessed with her criminology crime and she's desperate to tie it to the murder investigation.
    Spencer: You might already have that plan in your head! That paper that I wrote, “Texas vs. Kellner”, you read it the summer before I published it! 😲
    Ezra: …okay, I think it’s time for you to leave now. 😑

    Oh my god, what’s the deal with Spencer and why is she flogging that criminology essay like it’s the step-by-step instruction manual for Charlotte’s murder!? GURL IT’S JUST AN ESSAY. GET A GRIP. According to her logic, we’ll need to bring in Ezra for further police questioning, along with her university professor, the teaching assistant, her classmates, the lawyers involved in the case, and the original culprit who committed the crime. Whoops, I just accidentally glimpsed at the essay, so now I’m a suspect too!

    Ezra fucking snapped and yelled at the girls to GET THE FUCK OUT!!!
    The pretty little liars prodded and poked and invented a hundred other imaginary reasons about how Ezra killed Charlotte, and then came the moment when that motherfucker FINALLY. FUCKING. SNAPPED.

    Ezra: It’s time to go… NAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

    OH MY GAWD. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!? 😱😱😱😱😱 *jaw drops* Basically, Ezra had an epic meltdown and exploded all over the pretty little liars. He bellowed GTFO so loudly that I think the sheer resonance of his voice may have created landslides, tsunamis and earthquakes in various parts around the world. Like wtf, volume control please! Learn to use your quiet indoor voice like a civilized human being instead of your repressed psycho shouty voice!

    Ironically, Ezra wasn't considered a real suspect in Charlotte's murder until he had that LOLPSYCHO meltdown, and now yeah definitely suspect number one.
    Ezra: How long have you known me!? Who do you think I am!? Hmm!?
    Aria: I don’t know. You’re not the same person I said goodbye in front of The Brew that summer.
    Ezra: You’re right, and I’m not going to pretend I’m sorry that the person who made your life a living hell, who tormented you for five years later, I’m not gonna say I’m sorry they’re dead because I AM NOT.

    I’ll take “Things That A Psycho Would Say” for $500, Alex! Look, I actually agree with Ezra’s opinion about Charlotte, but it’s hard to side with a guy who just had a very public mental breakdown literally ten seconds ago. His voice is still ringing in my eardrums right now. Let me just offer three pieces of advice for the mentally disturbed Ezra Fitz: 1.) get therapy, 2.) get anger management classes, and 3.) get the fuck away from me!!!

    Aria is ghostwriting Ezra's book for him. I'm not looking forward to this storyline at all.
    BTW, I should probably mention that Aria is now writing Ezra’s book for him, but the less said about that piece of shit the better. (I was referring to the book, but y’know, whatever applies too.) My only thought on the matter is that I never supported book burning before, but this EPIC EZRIA TALE OF LOVE & WOE COMING TO A BOOKSTORE NEAR YOU is seriously making me consider otherwise. Gimme a match and a lighter right now, because we need to get rid of this monster before it grows! 😣

    Lucas is richer and nerdier than ever.

    Lucas is now a filthy rich gaming mogul and self-made millionaire five years later.
    ZOMG IT’S LUCAS. Hey ladies, he’s back and more importantly he’s now FILTHY RICH. 💰💰💰 I always thought there was a fifty-fifty chance that Lucas would either be on the Forbes’ 30 Under 30 list or the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s sexual offenders list, so I’m glad that Mr. Moneybags ended up on the right side of the tracks.

    These past five years have been a roaring success for Mr. Gottesman, who built a gaming empire in Silicon Valley and made millions of dollars from monetizing off video game nerds like himself. It’s no surprise that Lucas emerged from the time skip totally winning in life. He fulfilled one of the most well-known prophecies from folklore: don’t hate on the high school nerd, because they will end up as your boss in the future.

    Lucas definitely has Hanna's attention now that he is so rich.
    Now that Lucas is such a baller, the first item on his to-do list is to rub it in Hanna’s face about how she chose that greasy loser Caleb over him. Guess who just earned his first billion dollars and guess who’s currently bumming around penniless in Spencer’s barn!

    I gotta point out the obvious, but did anyone notice that Hanna is actually giving Lucas the time of day *after* she found out how wealthy he is? Back in high school, their interactions consisted of Lucas babbling in her ear while Hanna looked mildly disinterested as she filed her nails or something. Nowadays, she’s his most captivated audience with her smile growing wider every time he tells her about his rich and luxurious lifestyle. I wonder if Hanna could even see anything with all those $$$ dollar signs $$$ flashing in her eyes.

    Hanna asks Lucas, a self-proclaimed millionaire, if he still lives with mommy and daddy.
    Lucas has been flaunting his wealth and bragging about his bling nonstop. Oh, don’t mind me and my silver jag, or my castle in Palo Alto and my mansion in Hong Kong, and did I forget to mention that I sold my multibillion tech company to a space colony in Mars? Okay Mark Zuckerberg, we know you’re successful so dial it down a notch. Despite all his bravado, it only takes one cutting remark from Hanna before Lucas is knocked back into the insecure high school nerd that we used to know.

    Hanna: Do you still live with your folks? 😀

    Lucas can boast about his fancy cars and his property investments all he wants, but in Hanna’s eyes, he’ll always be that awkward dweeb with the action figures who sleeps in a bunk bed at his parents’ house. *lol*

    Lucas lives alone in his apartment loft with his dead hamster.
    Later, Lucas is showing off his swanky bachelor bad to Hanna. Once again, she goes for the jugular and asks him the one question that he’d feel the most insecure about.

    Hanna: Do you live here alone? 😀
    Lucas: And a hamster! But I’m out of town all the time, so he…

    Newsflash, she’s asking about your love life, not your dead hamster. Doesn’t it make you laugh when the beautiful girl asks the self-made millionaire, “I know you’re rich, but are you still a virgin?” After crying a little on the inside, Lucas is forced to admit that yes he lives alone, yes he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and yes he sleeps with a blow-up doll in this big lonely apartment. Good job, Hanna, for reducing Lucas back to zero again.

    Hanna wants Lucas to lie about spending a night at the hotel to provide her with an alibi.
    The reason why Hanna came to Lucas is because she needs an alibi on the night of Charlotte’s murder. Naturally, she went to the one person with no social prospects who would definitely be alone and available that night…or any other night lol.

    Hanna: I was thinking maybe you could say that you came up to my room and you brought me take-out and we talked until the sun came up.

    I think she may have inadvertently described one of his sexual fantasies? Hey stud, wanna come up to my hotel room and [finger quote] “talk” [/finger] all night? Lucas is in heaven listening to Hanna describe this roleplaying scenario. Can you say it again in a sultry voice? Also, can you describe what you were wearing that night, particularly your undergarments? I’m only asking because we need to make sure our alibis match!

    Lucas is willing to lie to the police and cover up for his high school crush Hanna.
    Lucas: You need me. I’m there for you.

    Since this fake alibi is probably the most action that Lucas ever got in his lifetime, it’s no surprise that he’d agree to lie for Hanna. Besides, he’s benefiting from this arrangement too. He’ll be sure to share this story with his tech friends for years to come, about how he spent an imaginary evening with this imaginary girl having these imaginary conversations all night long. They will be soooo jealous of him!

    Who wants to buy Emily’s eggs?

    Hanna is eating frozen orange juice concentrate with a spoon.
    Poor Hanna is under a lot of stress from the police investigation, which wouldn’t be a problem for her if she wasn’t stoopid enough to delete the hotel security footage. 😒 I mean, Aria is the one who actually left the hotel that night, but you don’t see her freaking out over this and she’s even in the mood to write some Ezria fanfiction on the side, so Hanna only has herself to blame for this mess.

    Hanna is so stressed out that she’s even eating (drinking?) some frozen orange juice concentrate straight from the can. “Uhh…do you wanna mix that with water?” Aria asks her friend as she watches in horror. Later, Hanna throws away the unfinished can in Aria’s bedroom, but gets scolded for littering, so she literally picks it up from the garbage bin and shoves another spoonful into her mouth. *lololololol gross*

    Why didn't Emily close the bathroom door when she was taking her needle injections?
    As Hanna makes her way towards the kitchen, she stumbles upon Emily taking care of some lady business in the bathroom. The door is slightly ajar, and we see her sticking a big ass needle into her thigh! Ouch!

    I thought she was trying to keep these needle injections a secret, so you gotta wonder why the bitch didn’t shut the bathroom door when she was doing her thang? If you want privacy, close the damn door! But I guess if you got a pair of sexy legs like Emily’s, you’re accustomed to flaunting them as much as possible. God didn’t give you those thighs just to cover them up behind closed doors!

    Hey Emily, I saw you in the bathroom! Erm, did I just admit that out loud?
    Hanna confronts her friend over this unseemly sight, leading to the unintentionally funniest quote of the episode:

    Hanna: Emily, I saw you in the bathroom.

    Okay, that was definitely not the best choice of phrase. Not unless you wanna admit that you’re a peeping john who spies on your friends while urinating. At least Hanna had the decency to wait until her friend left the bathroom before confronting her. Imagine if she barged right in there on the spot and scream out *I SEE YOU* while Emily had her pants down on the crapper!

    Emily's big dark unspeakable secret in Season 6 is that she's selling her eggs!
    Emily finally confesses her dark unspeakable secret: SHE IS SELLING HER EGGS. *lolwuttttt* Yes, that’s right, she’s laying out all dem chicken eggs and then putting them on sale in the supermarket at aisle one. Would you like a carton of Emily’s eggs with some milk for a discount price of $9.99? In case you’re still in disbelief, let me confirm this is indeed Emily’s big secret, she’s cooking up some ovarian omelettes and putting them on the breakfast menu for you to purchase.

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, IS THIS THE DUMBEST SECRET EVERRRR? All along, we thought the bitch was terminally ill and dying of cancer, but it turns out she was only putting her vagina up for sale. Why is this even a secret!? If you wanna sell your scrambled eggs for cash so badly, then just come out and say it already! I almost wished Emily had cancer instead, because at least her secret wouldn’t have been so stupid!

    Emily believes she's doing a good deed by donating her eggs to families in need.
    Hanna: Em, you don’t have to do this. I’ll lend you the money…
    Emily: No, it’s okay, I want to. For the first time in forever, I actually feel good about a choice I’ve made. I’m going to help two people start a family!

    Emily pretends like she’s doing this charitable deed out of the goodness of her heart, but you know she’s doing it mostly for the moolah. *lol* Look, Emily can do whatever she wants, it’s her body, her choice. If she believes her life ambition is to turn her vagina into a henhouse and harvest dem eggs through her ovary chutes, then more power to her. You go gurl!

    What was Pretty Little Liars thinking when they turned Emily's eggs into an ongoing plot this season?
    Emily donating her eggs is a good thing, but it’s not necessarily something I wanna watch play out in painstaking detail on my TV show. Do you know what I mean? If Pretty Little Liars had stopped the storyline here, I’d be okay about a feel-good moment with Emily quietly donating her eggs to some family and then she can move on to bigger, better plots this season.

    Unfortunately, PLL decided to make this an ongoing plot that eventually turns into some bizarre conspiracy thriller featuring Emily’s eggs. *lolwtf* I hope you guys are ready for this journey, because there will be many bad egg jokes 🍳 and eggscellent puns 🍳 in my recaps for the rest of this season.

    I will be your sugar daddy, Hanna!

    The police doesn't believe that Lucas would be able to spend a night with Hanna in the hotel room.
    Hanna and Lucas are hoping to fool the police with their fake rehearsed alibi. However, they’re quickly rumbled because nobody in their right mind would believe that Lucas actually managed to score and spend the night anywhere near a woman. *lol*

    Lorenzo: Why were you so eager to drop off food in the middle of the night?
    Lucas: Hanna called. And I was happy to hear her voice. Annnnd she sounded a little tipsy, so I thought maybe we could have a little bit of fun.

    At one point, Lucas went off script and blurted out his real intentions with Hanna like a gigantic creep. You’d think he might be a little more careful about sounding like a future rapist when talking to the police. Are we sure Lucas is not on the sexual offenders list? Can you double check please, Lorenzo?

    Lucas can't get any action with Hanna even in a fake police testimony.
    Hanna: Talking! He means talking! We talked until the sun came up!

    Ah yes, we had such lively discussions about world politics that it kept us engaged through the night! Bitch please, nobody stays up that late at a hotel just to chit-chat. If you’re gonna lie, at least make it sound believable and admit to having an affair. I guess Hanna can’t get it past herself and say that she slept with Lucas because ew, gross, she has standards. It goes to show you that even in a totally fabricated lie, the poor guy still can’t get any action! 😞

    Hanna thinks it's socially acceptable to strut around in public wearing her kimono night robe.
    OMG. Can we talk about what Hanna wore at the police precinct? GURRRRL DID YOU FORGET TO GET DRESSED!?!? Here she is, casually strutting around town, wearing this flimsy little kimono night robe. WTF WOMAN, YOU ARE IN PUBLIC, PUT SOMETHING ELSE ON!!!

    When Hanna wore this back at Aria’s house, I didn’t say anything because I thought she was in the middle of getting changed. But no, it turns out the bitch actually believes she can wear this outfit for any public occasion. Only in the bizarre world of PLL fashion would this kimono night robe be considered as casual street clothing. Let this be a rule of thumb: if it looks like you wore the clothes when you go to bed, then you probably shouldn’t wear the same thing when you go outside!

    Holy shit, did Lucas just give away one of his apartments to Hanna?
    After fucking up the police alibi, Lucas makes it up to Hanna by giving her his apartment! 😲 He didn’t even hesitate for a moment, gifting away one of his spare flats like it’s some loose change lying around. Take the keys! It’s your new digs! You’re now the homeowner! Is it normal for millionaires to give away free apartments as a charitable act? Here’s a free house for you, a free house for this hobo, and a free house for that stray dog too!

    The best part is that she doesn’t have to pay rent, she doesn’t have to sign a contract, she doesn’t even have to do chores like some live-in housekeeper. Hanna literally got an entire apartment free of charge for no reason other than the fact that Lucas got the hots for her!

    Lucas will definitely be spying on Hanna in her new apartment.
    Um, holy shit? This whole living arrangement is weird, right? The only circumstances where a guy would give an apartment to a girl is if they’re in a relationship or if he’s a sugar daddy paying her to be a live-in prostitute. Otherwise, I don’t understand what’s happening between Lucas and Hanna when they aren’t even a couple. To put things into perspective, not even Hanna’s *fiancé* bought her an apartment yet, so Jordan better step it up and purchase some real estate for her pronto!

    But of course, there’s a catch. If I were to move in, the first thing I’d check is for any hidden cameras behind the mirrors because gurrrrl there’re no free lunches in this world. Even though Lucas claims he’ll go away on business trips, we all know the only business he’ll be doing is to watch the bathroom surveillance footage every single day and night.

    Hanna just grabbed the apartment keys without hesitation. Free stuff, yay!
    Lucas: I’ve to go off to San Jose tomorrow. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want.
    Hanna: *snatches keys* DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON YOUR WAY OUT, OKAY BYEEEE.

    Hanna didn’t even do that fake modesty thing and pretended to decline such a generous gift that she did nothing to deserve. She didn’t thank Lucas either. Bitch just snatched the apartment keys from his hands going like DON’T MIND IF I DO~ *lol*

    Lucas just lied to the police, gifted away a free apartment, and now he's cooking dinner, but Hanna still won't give him the time of day.
    Near the end of the episode, we see Lucas cooking dinner for Hanna while that lazy bitch just lounges on the sofa in her skimpy kimono (sidebar: she’s also staring at pictures of Caleb on the computer lol). You’d think it might be the other way around and she should be the one feeding food to him, considering he just lied to the police for her and also gifted away an entire apartment for free. I’m not asking her to bend over for him, but a little more gratitude would be nice, Hanna!

    And Lucas, oh my god! Where’s your dignity!? Most guys wouldn’t do any of this for their girlfriends on an anniversary, yet here he is slaving away for some chick who won’t even give him a handjob in return. How much more does Lucas have to do before Hanna finally repays his affections? Oh wait, the answer is never, it will never ever happen. *lol so sad*

    RAW, NASTY, STEAMING HOT SPALEB SEX!!!

    Okay, nobody cares about Damian the scumbag journalist or whoever.
    Let’s quickly mention there’s a subplot where some scummy journalist interviewed the Hastings sisters and tried to stir up a news scandal before the upcoming election. (I think the reporter’s name was Damian? It honestly doesn’t matter.) Okay, we’ve acknowledged its existence, let’s move on.

    The one noteworthy detail about this filler plot is how the journalist riled up Melissa so much and sent her into a batshit crazy downward spiral. As we know, you can drop a pin on the floor and that nutty bitch will set off like a fire alarm, but it’s still funny watching her get into a frenzy over *DA LEAKED TAPE ZOMG*. There’re so many incriminating videos in existence that it’s hard to tell which sex tape is which. Melissa is worried about the tape where she confessed to killing Alisonbethany, which… maybe you shoulda considered that before recording yourself on a camera? *lol dumb*

    Melissa delivers an epic line, Cause I know how you like to shop out of other people's carts. LMAO.
    The main attraction of this episode is, of course, the ongoing pornographic love saga known as SPALEB. The two of them have been flirting coyly with each other, but let’s call them out on their bullshit just like Queen Melissa did in the most glorious way possible.

    Melissa: *raises eyebrow* When did that happen?
    Spencer: What? Caleb? We’re friends.
    Melissa: Really? ‘Cause I know how you like to shop out of other people’s carts. 😏

    Everyone, get on your knees and repeat after me: I BOW BEFORE THEE, THE QUEEN OF SHADE. WE ARE NOT WORTHY OF YOUR LEGENDARY WIT. Seriously, is this the wittiest insult in the history of Pretty Little Liars? Melissa delivered that line with pitch-perfect bitchiness, majestic condescension, and a healthy dose of shade. She absolutely slayed it! I love you, queen! 😍

    Hanna is so obviously not over Caleb. Why is she giving him away to Spencer?
    Conflicted over her feelings, Spencer consulted the Handbook of Girl Code and studied the guidelines on what to do when you covet your best friend’s ex-boyfriend. This leads to an awkward dance of words between Hanna and Spencer, where the two of them go over the safety rules such as *red light means stop* but *green light means you can go ahead and get your mack on*.

    Spencer: So, um, is it weird now for you to see Caleb?
    Hanna: No! I’m getting married, Spencer! God, why does everyone keep asking me about Caleb!?

    Because it’s so obvious you’re not over him and will make a big stink once Spencer poaches your man? Hanna’s problem is that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Not only that, this greedy bitch wanna have TWO cakes and won’t let anybody else take a slice.

     Spencer really respected her friend's feelings and didn't make a move on Caleb until Hanna gave permission.
    Hanna: Do you have feelings for…
    Spencer: *duh face*
    Hanna: When you guys met up in Spain, did you…
    Spencer: No, no! I would never do that to you! I’d…no.

    I gotta give Spencer her props. She handled this very delicate situation with as much dignity as possible, demonstrating a lot of tact, maturity, and consideration towards her friend. She kept circling around Caleb outside the perimeters of the yellow caution tape, never once intruding until she got Hanna’s permission. Spencer honestly deserves an award for fair play, because she could’ve easily bedded Caleb a long time ago, but didn’t make a move because she had too much respect for her friend. *pounds chest* I SALUTE YOU, SISTAH.

    SPALEB is good to go! Hanna gave affirmation over this relationship! Go ahead and take my boyfriend!
    Spencer: I don’t even know if he feels the same way.
    Hanna: Well, then… I think that you should find out.

    OMG OMG OMG. THERE IT IS. SHE ISSUED THE A-OK. Hello, Spaleb HQ? Prepare for takeoff! I’m gonna get Hanna’s words printed out and laminated on a billboard, because the world needs to be informed that *she* was the one who gave the all-clear to her friend to proceed with this relationship. Spencer passed the border patrol, the immigration inspections, the homeland security, the metal detectors, and the grand jury of twelve. She passed everything, so Spaleb is officially good to go!

    The more PLL fans hate Spaleb, the more I love them together.
    And yet, despite doing everything right according to the playbook, Spencer still got blamed and hated by the fans for “stealing” Caleb away from Hanna. Never mind the fact that she followed all the rules. Never mind the fact that she got her friend’s permission. Never mind the fact that Caleb reciprocated her feelings. Hanna may have said it was okay during her temporary bout of madness…BUT THE HALEB FANS NEVER GAVE THE ALL-CLEAR YOU HOMEWRECKAH!!! 😠😠😠

    In addition, there’s a very vocal majority of the PLL fanbase that hates, ABSOLUTELY HATES (sorry, but I need to emphasize the hatred in capital letters) SPALEB. Of course the more the collective universe hated this couple, the more Recap Everything actually loved the two of them together. *lol* All the bitter vitriol and online abuse aimed towards Spaleb only makes their romance even more effin’ epic. ❤️

    Caleb pretends to read a book to impress Spencer.
    Spencer returns to her love nest later that night, and we see Caleb immediately grabbing the nearest book so that he can pretend he was reading instead of eating a midnight snack. *lmao* I dunno why he did what he did, maybe he was trying to impress her with his intellectual prowess? It was just a small adorable moment, made even funnier when Caleb realized that he was reading a book called “The Gardener’s Desk Reference”, whoops. 😀
    OMFG. SPALEB IS COMING.
    Spencer and Caleb sit down to have an intimate HEART2HEART by the fireplace. Their conversation turns to what happened to Sara Harvey and I dunno about you, but talking about her really gets me ~in the mood~.

    Spencer: Thank you for not judging me.
    Caleb: I just wish you hadn’t judged yourself.
    Spencer: There’s…um, there’s something else that I’ve been judging myself for…

    SHE LOOKS INTO HIS EYES. AND HE LOOKS BACK. SHE INCHES CLOSER TO HIM. HE MOVES HIS HAND TOWARDS HERS. THEY TOUCH. CARESS EACH OTHER. SLOWLY. SENSUALLY. SEXUALLY. I AM TALKING LIKE THIS BECAUSE I AM PANTING AND OUT OF BREATH FROM THE UNBEARABLE SEXUAL TENSION. OMG IT’S COMING!!! OMG I’M COMING!!! OMG SPALEB IS COMING!!!

    The Spaleb sex scene was shot in such a dark, eerie way.
    You know how the sex scenes on Pretty Little Liars are usually filmed in the same way? They follow a generic formula with almost the same elements: soft lighting, soothing voices, romantic poses, flattering camera angles, wind machines trotted out, confetti falling from the sky, and there’s some sort of triumphant music playing in the background. These scenes are supposed to be very dreamy and picturesque for the teenage fans to coo over, right?

    What we got with Spaleb was the exact opposite. The moment when the two of them kissed, it was almost shot like something out of a horror movie!? *lol* There was a slow, eerie version of “Ring of Fire” playing in the background, which really set the dark, unsettling tone in this scene. As you watch Spencer and Caleb’s bodies intertwine, you get the sinking feeling that something bad is happening… And it’s only gonna get worse… As if evil conquered over good. The entire sequence was kinda sexy, kinda brooding, and just kinda frigging hilarious.

    Spaleb sex almost feels satanic?
    Two closing thoughts on the SPALEB SEX SCENE:

    1.) Their sex scene is as close to *softcore porn* as Pretty Little Liars is gonna get. Caleb was grinding his body on top of Spencer while her legs waved in the air orgasmically. I mean, just look at these two barbaric animals devouring each other. Thank god the background music was so loud or we might have heard them roaring in ecstasy or something.

    2.) If I have to use one word to summarize the Spaleb sex, it’d be…satanic? *lol* This scene feels like something we’d see in hell… HALEB HELL THAT IS. 😈

    16 Comments

    1. Keep up the great recaps, RE! I’ve been a fan of yours for a while now and it’s so good to see that your recaps get funnier and funnier <3

      • THANK YOU FOR THE WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT. It’s always so nice to hear from a longtime reader who still stood by me through heavy rain and thunderous storms. <3 <3 <3

    2. You’re back!!!!!!!!
      I loved the Spaleb sex! Spaleb are hilarious. And Spencer did everything right. I still maintain that Hanna doesn’t get to call eternal dibs on Caleb even though she is engaged to marry someone else.

      Oh, and I really don’t think Lorenzo of all people should be in charge of the sexual predator unit. The only person less suitable for that job would be Ezra.

      • SPALEB cracks me up, they feel ~so wrong~ yet ~so right~. Spencer really did do everything right in this scenario, but if only Hanna had shown her the same courtesy before stealing her boyfriend back.

        Dat awkward moment when Lorenzo goes through the sexual offenders list only to realize that he himself is on it.

    3. I’m so glad you’re back for season 7!! Hopefully it’ll be better than season 6. But your recaps keep getting better, no matter how good or bad PLL is! Aria and Ezra were both hilarious and terrible together this season! I’m looking forward to your opinion on Aria getting ordained, and her weird vision/reanctment of Ezra and Nicole’s break up. (Nicole is totally coming back either tonight in the premiere or in the summer finale, right??!!) I don’t agree with you about Spaleb though, but not because I’m an angry Haleb shipper. I just think that Caleb kind of ruins Spencer’s character, and we haven’t gotten to see her usual insanity and humor. Normally, Spencer is accusing everyone of murder and making inappropriate jokes. But this season, she’s just wearing a ton of lingerie and acting like a clingy girlfriend. I want to see our STRONG INDEPENDENT SPENCER!! But her character wasn’t the only problem with 6B- I think the time jump was just too rushed, and should have started either at the beginning of season 6 or 7 so the writers had more time to plan it. Because I’m even more angry about Alison’s character, who used to be an amazing badass bitch, but now she’s just being used as a plot device :(

      • The recaps definitely keep getting better! I guess I’m actually hoping for the show to get worse so the recaps can be even more hilarious. Is that wrong?

      • Yes, I’m back for Season 7~~~ *party balloon*

        My theory about Season 6 is that the pretty little liars should’ve just stayed in the dollhouse ALL SEASON LONG. Imagine if they did the five year time skip in the middle of the season and these girls are STILL in the dollhouse. That would’ve been epic and probably leagues better than what Season 6 ended up being.

        EZRIA is so hilariously terrible together and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry about their collaborative fanfiction. I don’t think Nicole is even *important* enough to return in a premiere or a finale episode lol. She’ll probably come back in some random episode before, do a little bit of homewrecking, let Aria revel in her favourite Ezria drama for a few episodes, before disappearing from the show forever again.

        OMG, Spencer’s lingerie during her Spaleb scenes is truly ~inspired~ lol. I’m already over Spaleb by the end of this season and is ready for either Caleb/Ashley or Caleb/Mona to take place in Season 7.

      • I usually have the most material in my recaps when an episode is either REALLY good (which is admittedly rare) or REALLY bad, so either way works for me lol~

    4. Yaaaaay, you’re back!!! I’m glad I read this recap AFTER I saw sneak peak from 7×02. I don’t wanna spoil anything so I’ll just say Aria’s words about Ezra’s book about how the world will see the REAL him is so much funnier now.

      I’m so glad you’re doing recaps again. I felt like Chandler when he had cigarette after years of not smoking lol. I literally read the most recent recaps (7×01, 6×12 and 6×13) at 1AM, drinking energy drink to make sure my brain will enjoy every single word of them lol. I’m such and RE junkie…

      • YAYYYYY!!! I just finished watching 7×02 and I gotta say Liam’s smackdown of Ezra is truly INSPIRED. What a hero.

        If there’s any consolation, I pull multiple all-nighters whenever I work on these monstrous recaps, so I was probably also awake with an energy drink while you were binge-reading late at night. <3

      • Thank you! Finally, I get some recognition as a cucumber artist! Make sure you check out my upcoming art exhibition, coming to a salad bar near you.

    5. quiza una de nosotras deberia llamar a su madre no creo que su madre quiera tener algo mas que ver con Wilden esto no es sobre robos te lo digo yo se gana mucho con una buena compra soy solo yo o eso sono mucho como Alison ¿ algo va mal ? no lo sentimos vaya, suenas mucho como una de nuestras amigas espero que sea brillante -¿ como se llamar ? – Alison dilaurentis era la las amigas de Alison – yo tambien soy cece Spencer la hermana pequeña de mellissa hastings Alison hablo a ti hablo de todas ustedes mucho – ¿ de que conoces a Alison ? – antes de mudarme a l a nuestra familias alquilaron cosas de verano en el CAMO MAY pasamos por un par de semanas intensas juntas yo salir con su hermano jason – ¿ nunca le menociono mi nombre chicas ? no bueno. fue intenso para mi estaba pasamos por un mal momentos como un muñecas rota ¿ y como que has vuelto a Rosewood ? escuchen, odio tener que correr. pero ya llego tarde y mi es muy nervioso y agresivamenete sobrio venga a verme a la nueva boutique al otros lado de la calle y si alqunas vez te apetece hacer algo de compra libre – estrare feliz por mirar hacia otro lado – creo que estas pensamos de hanna ella no esta aqui de acuerdo no fui yo sola, ¿ verdad ? es decir esa, chicas es extrañamente parecida Alison ¿ O era Alison extrañamente parecida a ella es decir una cadera hacia afuera y la cabeza ladeada. mirandote directamente a traves como si supiera todo tus secretos

    6. ¿ cece ? ¿ A donde vas ? A cualquier parte. rapido ¿ esto es sobre widen ? ¿ tu crees ? Emily, pense que podias guadar un secreto. ¿ hay alquien en esta cuidad a quien no es lo contraras ? vi una fotos de ti wilden y Alison en un barco de vela. si. ella penso que era lindo, asi que le pregunto si nos llevaria llevaria a dar una vuelta – ¿ entonces por que mentime ? – ! no tengo tiempo para hablar de esto ! no eres la unica que esta asustada. ¿ de acuerdo ? por favor. si hay algo mas que necesite saber.. pense que wilden dejo embarazada Alison y la mato para mantenerlo en secreto – ¿ entonces es verdad ? – no es que es verdad. seguro que wilden se salio de su camino para negarlo. y si habia algo que Alison sabia hacer es decir una buena mentira. SI PIENSA QUE EL LA MATO ¿ POR QUE NO TENREGARLE ?

    7. ¿ A quien ? ¿ A alguno de sus amiguitos de la fuerza ? no sabia en quien podia confiar jason digo que te vio en su casa la noche que Alison desaparecio ¿ el te digo eso ? dios, esto es un desartre ¿ por que estaba alli Alison me llamo estaba alucinando por unos videos todos los querias la hermana mayor de Spencer mas que nadie cuando apareci. me rogo que hablase con Alison asi que lo hice. despues Alison se fue a buscarlos al dia siguiente… estaba desaparecida ¿ quien tomo esa fotos de ustedes tres en el barco ¿ quien la tomo MELISSA HASTINGS

    8. tenia que no llegara a terminarlo a tiempo para el memorial. ¿ y eso la mas alquien de la galeria de tu mama ? corretas ¿ donde estas tu mama ? hay un departanmento arriba de la gateria. asi que se este quedando de ahi por ahora eso es un poco raro. ¿ no ? que tu mama se mude si. como que ni mi papa deberianiaberse ido. eso es lo que tu esperanrias Aria. lo siento mis quise decirte de esa manera toda la si situracion rapesta lo es ¿ alquien llamo a Shlly. leenard ? listo. y le dije que si tocaba algo deprimente, le pateare su violoncelo. ¿ y el programa. casi listo, pero dederiamos terminarlo… – antes de que lleque el hermano de Alison ¿ cuando es ese ? esta noche. y quieres vamos mañana a la mañana ¿ sabes ? Apenas recuerdos a jason nunca lo conocimos el solo era… el hermano mayor de Alison al final del pasilo detras de una puerta cerrada. con su musica hacedoce punk que hacia temblar el piso. ¿ como consiquio entrar. a una universidad de la ligar lvy ? no lo se. dede haber sido una disericriminacion positiva hacia los geticion y emos. es hermoso el pedesstal ya esta alli al lado del banco esto seria colocado el viernes por la mañana ¿ creen que a jason le gustaria ? por supuesto que le gustaria y dentro de unos año, la gente vera este memorial. y… y eso es todo lo que sabrian sobre Alison ella sera la chicas a la que le dedicaron al banco y nosotras ya no estamos pero. Alison todavia recordad

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