Meet Duncan Albert, the generic himbo who used to be Alison’s secret summer fling. Last episode, Aria managed to score his digits by being a walking piece of jailbait in a red jacket. Since then, they have agreed to meet up with each other to discuss god-knows-what.

How weird is this? Imagine if some dude gave you his phone number after he mistakenly recognized you as an ex-girlfriend of his. (*STRIKE 1*) She hasn’t contacted him in over a year, yet he can’t seem to get over her. (*STRIKE 2*) Worst of all, he doesn’t have any idea that she’s already dead, dead, dead. (*STRIKE 3*) Would you still call up this mofo? Because it seems like he has a lotta issues!

Aria: I’ll call him.
Emily: Aria, you don’t have to. Any one of us could’ve been wearing that coat.
Aria: But it was me.

Leave it to Aria to come up with some mystic connection out of a circumstantial encounter. ZOMG I WAS WEARING THIS COAT & HE SAW ME, SO IT MUST BE DESTINY!!! Of course, this is the same girl who thinks destiny = intentionally staging a meeting with Ezra at a theatre show that he had already purchased tickets for, so this kind of *faux serendipity* horseshit is only applicable in Aria’s deluded mind.

Hanna: He was cute from the back. 😘
Aria: And so was his front. 😘

WILL YOU HOES SIMMER DOWN??? In case you don’t have a gutter mind and can’t read between the lines, the pretty little liars are talking in euphemisms for his ASS and his DIQ. Like Duncan hasn’t been in the show for two seconds and these girls are already objectifying every inch of his body. NOW BEND OVER DUNCAN, WE NEED TO SEE YOU FROM ~ALL THE ANGLES~.

Duncan turns out to be a big putz who didn’t even know Alison rolled over and died two seasons ago. We get a hilariously awkward scene where he goes like “How’s Vivian doing? Is she still wearing bad wigs and using fake aliases?” And Aria is like “Umm…she’s doing okay. And by ‘OK’, I mean she’s rotting away in the eternal depths of hell while her murderer runs loose around town.”

Duncan: You’re the one who kept the journals! The writer! Vivian talked about you.
Aria: She talked about us?

HOLD UP. In what world is Aria considered the *writer* of the group!? I don’t think we’ve seen her lift a pen to write a single word throughout the whole series. When did she have the time to write these imaginary journals? And no, nauseating break-up letters to Ezra do not make one a legitimate writer!

Aria basically knows NOTHING about Duncan, but still agrees to meet up with him in the middle of the night. When a stranger invites you to the airport in the dead of, you can expect either one of two things to happen:

1.) Congratulations, you’re about to experience the most memorable first date ever as he takes you to a romantic getaway overseas! 😍

2.) Uh-oh, your ass is about to get smuggled in some human trafficking, sex trade, and/or international slavery scheme! 😱

Aria: You and Ali came here?
Duncan: On the days I took her flying, yeah.
Aria: Flying!? In a plane!?

No Aria, he spreads out his wings and morphs into a bird. *rolls eyes* I don’t blame her for getting the wrong idea though, since Duncan’s character becomes more and more ridiculous with each passing scene development. It turns out he’s a PLANE PILOT who got his license since he was sixteen-years-old. Yes, we’re supposed to believe that while most teenagers were out there getting their ~driver’s license~, this flying teenage prodigy DUNCAN ALBERT is already soaring the skies and giving lessons to Amelia Earheart on how to fly a plane.

LO AND BEHOLD, ARIA IS FLYING A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!!! 😮😮😮

Hands down, this is the ~*strangest*~ scene in Pretty Little Liars history. Duncan decides to have a conversation with Aria inside his airplane of all places, except it’s obvious they’re inside some plane simulator apparatus thingy that rocks back and forth in the same motion. I guess we’re supposed to believe that he’s piloting the vehicle and the two of them are chillaxing in the skies??? Hey, look at the plane shaking! We must be going through some VERY REALISTIC turbulence in this VERY REALISTIC airplane!

What’s even more bizarre is that Duncan pretty much FORCES Aria to pilot the airplane at one point. *lolwtf* She declines as any regular person would, but he basically commands the poor girl to steer the plane while he babbles on about Alison. He also gives her zero instructions whatsoever, so Aria is literally winging it so to speak!

Was I the only one who watched this scene with some kind of wide-eyed bewilderment? I couldn’t believe this sequence was actually real, because everything that happened was just so BIZARRE! Poor Aria is being held hostage by a complete madman who refuses to fly his own plane. Can you imagine if you’re on a plane, and the pilot suddenly orders you to take over for him instead? OMFG. Who is this suicidal lunatic pilot and why is he forcing Aria to do this!?

Even more hilarious is the moment when Aria and Duncan stared into each other’s eyes for-fucking-ever. She was looking at him, and he was looking back at her, but there was nobody looking out at the sky! It’s like these two forgot they were supposed to be in a plane simulator and decided to hold an impromptu ~*staring contest*~ instead!

Aria: Can I ask you something else?
Duncan: Was I in love with her? I could have been.

Okay, first of all, nobody asked him that question. For all we know, Aria might have wanted to ask him if he passed his psych test or something. And second of all, Duncan met the bitch for ONE summer. He didn’t know her real name, he mistakenly recognized another person as her, and he didn’t have any idea that she was dead. So, I don’t know where this guy gets off claiming he’s in love with her?

I’m sorry, but this Duncan character is SO unrealistic and SO unbelievable in every sense. From the moment he was introduced, I couldn’t take this human absurdity seriously at all. I AM AN AIRPLANE PILOT! I WAS IN LOVE WITH ALISON! I…! okay whatever dude, just gtfo.

During their time together, Aria learns one shocking fact about the day of Alison’s disappearance. It turns out Duncan actually flew her back to town BY PLANE. Commercial airlines are for LOSERS, because real bosses have their own designated pilot that will fly them anywhere on a whim!

Most teenage girls would be overjoyed to find a boyfriend who can drive them to the mall, but this bitch is like “I have a chauffeur too… IN THE MOTHERFUCKING SKY!” Hey Duncan, I wanna go to the convenience store to buy a pack of gum! Take me away on your helicopter ASAP!

Mama Montgomery goes to Fitz’s office and tells him: “I just wanted to let you know I still don’t approve your relationship with my daughter” and Ezra is like “trololololol” as usual.

I don’t know who Ella is trying to fool though. It’s pretty obvious that she is practically heading the Ezria bandwagon at this point. You don’t really go to a child molester’s apartment, sit down for a nice cup of tea, and listen to him justify his relationship without taking some kind of implicit stance on the matter. 😒 “Maybe if I rationalize with him…” NO ELLA NO. Why is she having so many GODDAMN CONVERSATIONS with Ezra when the *only* conversation she should be having is the one with the police!? 👮

Later on, Papa Montgomery also shows up at Fitz’s office (Ezra spends more time with Aria’s parents than Aria herself these days) and tries BRIBING him with some ~overseas~ job offer. Of course, Ezra turns it down and continues trolling Aria’s parents: *imma continue BONING your daughter whether you like it or not. eat me, montgomery! oh wait, that’s what i said to aria last nite~~~*

Okay, Ezra didn’t really say that to Papa Montgomery, but it was very heavily implied. *nods solemnly* Now that his secret is out in the open, that villain Ezra doesn’t even pretend to have shame or decency anymore. He’s practically taunting Aria’s parents in every scene: I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW I SEXED YOUR DAUGHTER AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, NYAH NYAH NYAH.

Byron: Where do you get the nerve to talk to me this way!? After what you’ve done to my family!?
Ezra: I’m sorry about that…
Byron: Well, I don’t accept your apology! We could have resolved this, but apparently egos get in the way!
Ezra: Whose ego are we talking about here!?

Okay, it’s not even like I’m taking Byron’s side here or anything, but Ezra is SO CLEARLY in the wrong that it PISSES ME OFF he’s acting like he has the moral high ground here??? What kind of NERVE does Ezra have talking smack and getting sassy with Aria’s father!? In a just world, Ezra should be on the fucking ground, kneeling and grovelling and pleading for Papa Montgomery’s forgiveness as he asks for a lenient jail sentence.

Ugh, this conversation with such a remorseless villain is going nowhere. Can we please stop talking TO Ezra and just start physically assaulting him again? Where is Mike Montgomery to throw a hook punch when you need him?

Ella: I don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish by strong-arming him!
Byron: You come very close to defending.
Ella: It’s complicated!
Byron: Well, maybe we’re making it complicated when the answer is really simple and right in front of us.

Good grief, Mama Montgomery! You might as well hand over the wedding bands to your daughter. 😩 Ugh, this storyline is so fucking AGGRAVATING. I thought I would be excited after Aria’s parents found out about DA RELATIONSHIP, but I didn’t expect them to be on the *losing side* of the most clear-cut moral conundrum. It’s just so disheartening to see Ezra continue flaunting and taunting his child-loving ways, while Ella and Byron are too busy fighting between themselves to take down this motherfucker. 😔

In this episode, Jenna FINALLY gets that eye operation she mentioned in a bajillion episodes ago, but for some reason she only gets one eye done at a time. If there’s anything scarier than an evil blind witch, just imagine what an evil CYCLOPS witch is like! *eeeeeek*

By the way, Toby is back… after someone dunked his head into a bucket of hair gel, apparently. Since he has been away for so long, Spencer kinda forgets why she broke up with him in the first place, so she suggests that they should get back together again. HEY STUD HEY~ 😘

Spencer: Toby, I’ve been thinking a lot about us…

Oh bitch please. Don’t act like Spoby was anywhere on your mind while you were slipping your tongue in and out of Wren’s mouth just two episodes ago. Spencer really is gonna flip-flop between Toby and Wren every few episodes, huh? I’ll kiss you on odd-numbered episodes and I’ll kiss him on even-numbered episodes!

Jenna: Remember that movie with the blind lady who got her sight back? She filled her room with all the beautiful things she owned so that she can see them when she opens her eyes. I’m gonna do that. Before they take the bandages off, I’m going to fill my room with all the things I love. *grabs Toby’s hand* You’ll be there too.
Toby: DAT WOMAN IN THE MOVIE IS A MEAN OLD BITCH.

LOLLLL. I don’t even care about the context of the conversation, but just hearing the words *mean old bitch* escape from Toby’s mouth just makes me giggle like a schoolgirl. 😁

There was some subtle tension between Toby and Wren at the hospital, which Jenna OF COURSE picked up on like some bloodthirsty hound dog and immediately went in for the kill. Sensing that Toby is feeling a little *insecure* over Wren and Spencer’s budding romance this season, Jenna seizes the opportunity to STIR SHIT UP and provoke Toby’s jealousy further.

Jenna: Mmm. I bet even a lie would sound good in that accent. 😘😘😘

After dropping that one seemingly innocuous comment, Jenna just sat there smiling smugly to herself while Toby SEETHES silently beside her. TOBY IS TRIGGERED. *lol*

Meanwhile, Jason shows up at the school to track down his sister, and Spencer freaks out because she has no intentions of paying back the $2000 that she borrowed from him.

Jason: Yo. Whaddup sis?
Spencer: OMG LOAN SHARK!!!

Besides, it’s kinda awkawrd. How do you tell your half-brother that you wasted two grand to buy evidence that strongly implicates your sister’s involvement in the murder of his other sister? You coulda used that two thousand dollars to buy yourself a brand new iPhone with diamond-studded buttons, but you decided to invest it in THAT crap instead. 💰

TECHNICALLY, Spencer ~could~ get that money to payoff the debt since she has a $8000 payment currently parked in Toby’s driveway. Unfortunately for her, Toby is a greedy little bitch still holding onto that truck gifted by his sugar momma and he ain’t giving it back! In fact, Toby is actually trying to sell off the vehicle to Mona to make some extra cash.

Toby: The truck seating could easily fit two. Trust me, I’ve tested it out. Quite thoroughly, I may add. 😘

HOW GROTESQUE. You’re supposed to be describing the condition of your car, not how many times you did it with Spencer in the backseat of your sexmobile!

For some reason, Hanna decides to interject herself and meddle in Toby’s business, leading to a heated argument between the two sassy ladies.

Hanna: omg jenna is the evil, you need to stay away from her~
Toby: WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS SHUT UP!!!
Hanna: Did you forget everything Jenna did to you!?
Toby: No, did you forget what you did to her?

OH SNAP. I feel like every time the pretty little liars try to argue against Jenna and paint her as a ~bad person~, the opposing party only needs to state *BUT YOU BLINDED HER* and they’d automatically win the argument?

Maya is still missing, and the show plans to drag on this storyline until the end of the season, even though it’s blatantly obvious to all the viewers that Bianca Lawson has moved on to her next television project in another fictional high school.

Emily receives a short text message from her gf (ex-gf?), reassuring her that a Season 3 cameo is still possible. After receiving the text, Emily has a ditzy moment where she frantically turns her head left and right, acting as if Maya sent her the message right here in this school hallway. Um, I don’t think she’s hiding BEHIND you, Em. You gotta look for her a little harder than that. *lol*

Later, Emily receives another message from Maya via e-mail:

I’m fine. Don’t worry. I won’t take chances because I’m not as brave as you think I am. You’re the brave one. You know what else I love about you? You know how to be still. In the middle of everything, at a swim meet with all the craziness and pressure. I look at you, and you’re still. I wish I could do that. But I’m impatient. I can’t wait. I guess that’s why I can’t finish anything either. I shouldn’t have come back. I should have just left, all tragic and perfect and we’d always have had that instead of this mess. I guess good-byes are the only things we get. Don’t tell my folks. I’ll talk to them when I’m ready. Maya.

TOO LONG, DIDN’T READ. But it kinda sounds like Maya wrote this while high, no? Wherever she is, Maya must be smoking THE GOOD STUFF if she can write such a lengthy novella to Emily.

APPARENTLY, Maya found some of Alison’s sacred belongings in the house, which she didn’t bother returning (lol SO Maya) until now. Jason arrived to drop off this useless junk at Spencer’s house & we encounter an awkward exchange between him and the liars.

Aria: Hi Spencer!
Spencer: Hi Aria!
Aria: Hi Emily!
Emily: Hi Aria!
Aria: *completely ignores Jason’s presence*
Jason: *completely ignores Aria’s presence*

Umm okay? It was so weird seeing the two of them openly disregard each other’s existence? Did Aria and Jason have a falling out? What’s the beef? Why the snub???

Poor Jason isn’t very popular with the ladies this episode. First he gets snubbed by Aria, then Veronica comes storming in the house with a BITCHFACE OF THUNDER, takes one hard look at Jason, and he immediately recoils in fear. Veronica didn’t even have to say a single word during this scene. Her sheer ~aura of authority~ was enough to signal to Jason that he ain’t welcomed here and he BETTER get the fuck out. Ahem, we don’t allow YOUR KIND in our side of the neighbourhood!

Afterwards, Spencer bitches out her mom about being shady. Certain words were exchanged, but nothing really too important that we didn’t already know. The only new piece of information is that Veronica was the one who hired a private detective to keep Melissa’s crazy ass in check. If you ever wondered why Spencer seems so intent on investigating Alison’s death and implicating her own family of murder, now we know that she gets that accusatory gene from her momma!

UP NEXT! AN UNEXPECTED EXPLOSION!!! 💥💥💥

Sorry about the abrupt transition, but there really wasn’t much of a preamble to the next scene. The pretty little liars arrive at Jason’s home, only to find JENNA randomly trapped inside (appearing in a very lulzy jump scare) before she collapses in a house burning on fire???

Admittedly, Hanna *could’ve* just ran off alone and left Jenna there to die… But our pretty little action hero RISKS HER OWN LIFE, dashes into the house on fire, and rescues Jenna just in time before the whole house BLOWS THE FUCK UP. *wuuuuuut* And here we were making fun of Pretty Little Liars’ cheap low-budget production, and they just randomly threw in a legit house explosion in a random scene in the middle of a random episode? WTF!?

Who needs answers when you have explosions, amirite!? Hanna and Spencer arrive just in time to save Jenna’s unconscious ass right before the house goes a-explodin’. We don’t really know what’s going on here, but at least we figured out where the show blew most of its budget instead of investing in an actual airplane for a previous scene. 💰💰💰

The *official* version of the story is that *somebody* allegedly invited Jenna to Jason’s house, knocked her unconscious, and left her for dead inside the burning house of fiyah. It was a blatant assassination attempt on Jenna’s life, and she CERTAINLY would’ve died if Hanna didn’t run straight into an explosion to rescue her life. Like move over Jason Statham, we have a new badass action hero to worship now!

It must be chafing Jenna’s ass that her life will be forever indebted to the same girls who blinded her. At the hospital, she’s basically reduced to a blubbering mess with conflicting emotions. She was like *Y DID YOU SAVE ME!!! SOB SOB SOB* and Hanna was like *IDK? You caught me in a generous mood tonight, I’spose.* And I guess that’s the closest thing we’ll get to a truce between Jenna and the pretty little liars.

During the rescue mission, Spencer got a little booboo cut in her hand, which means she gets to share a touchy-feely scene with Dr. Wren. As always, the two of them were flirting up a storm and making a bunch of innuendos like crazy. PATCH ME UP, DOC! HEE HEE HEE! 😘

I don’t really know what’s going on with these two. Are they supposed to be together or not? Sometimes, it seems like they’re so intimate and affectionate with each other. But at other times, it’s like any progress they’ve made in their relationship has been completely reversed. I guess this inconsistency depends on the specific writer who is in charge of the script that week. The amount of Wrencer in any given episode correlates to how much of a Spoby fan the PLL writer is.

Honestly, Jason seemed pretty ~chilled out~ despite the fact that a girl almost died and his house practically blew up? Here he was, without a care in the world, making come-hither eyes at Aria as if nothing serious really happened.

Of course Jason’s version of the story is that he’ll play dumb and pretend he had ~no idea~ what’s going on (surrrrre, I wouldn’t admit anything either if I was him). As for the financial damages, the home insurance will cover up pretty much everything…but his creepy Aria photography shrine might never be replaced again. 😢

Also, that symmetrical fish dress Aria chose to wear is certainly…a choice. Girl, why do you look like a walking aquarium tank? I guess we don’t need to find Nemo or Dory anymore because evidently they’re both swimming along Aria’s hemlines lulz.

Since Aria rebuffed his romantic advances earlier, Jason has already moved on and tried flashing his come-hither eyes at Mama Hastings instead. 😘 Seriously, Jason is moving around in those hospital chairs and trying his pick-up lines on various women like it’s a Friday evening at the bar. Hey Veronica, I don’t have a bed for tonight, can I stay in yours instead? 😘😘😘

Throughout the episode, the pretty little liars have been rummaging through Alison’s belongings in hopes of finding some clues. Since the formula of the show dictates that they couldn’t make any major revelations until the final thirty seconds of the episode, Emily just happens to discover A VERY VITAL CLUE that they’ve all conveniently missed until now.

Oh my god, that must be the most half-assed clue discovery to date. I kid you not, the scene literally went like: “Welp, we couldn’t find any clues about Alison’s murder!” *one second later* “No wait, we just found a scrap piece of paper with an address that we could investigate for the next episode! Hooray for discovering a new lead!” *roll end credits*