PLL: The Perfectionists Recap - The Perfectionists Season 1 Episode 1
Honestly? I enjoyed the episode and I think wary PLL fans would like it too. The Perfectionists premiere was a solid start and there's a lot of potential here.
PLL The Perfectionists Recap: The Perfectionists Premiere
Hey, did you hear about the new Pretty Little Liars show? Who would've thought we'd STILL be talking about PLL in the year 2019, but here we are today. Just when you thought Pretty Little Liars was an officially dead franchise, somebody dug up its grave, scavenged for any remaining body parts, and used the pieces to form the ultimate Frankenstein monster: a spin-off show called The Perfectionists.
As the biggest Pretty Little Liars fan, I obviously couldn't resist watching The Perfectionists. Going in, I knew nothing about the show other than the fact that Alison and Mona are in it, and there's apparently a gay storyline... 👀 (WHY is that one of the things I know? lmao) I dunno what to expect from The Perfectionists premiere episode, but I'm excited! Let's get this recap started, hoes!
Welcome to The Perfectionists University, where you must be perfect to SURVIVE!!!
The episode begins with REALLY loud orchestral background music as a narrator introduces us to Beacon Heights University:
Welcome to Beacon Heights University, where excellence is not an option; it's a requirement. Ranked as one of the most challenging programs in the U.S., students here are the best and the brightest. If you thought getting in was hard, keeping up is even harder. We'll do whatever it takes to stay on top. We thrive under pressure and strive for perfection. But nobody's perfect, and the pressure is building to a breaking point. And somebody is about to snap. And kill.
Who would want to attend Harvard when you could enroll in this EXTREME UNIVERSITY instead? Beacon Heights is such a prestigious school that even Felicity Huffman is bribing school officials for an acceptance letter as we speak. How much money do I have to pay you under the table before my kids can get into BHU!?
To demonstrate how PERFECT everyone is, there's a montage of random students doing hilariously ridiculous things in the middle of the night.
First, we see this super intense dude playing on the cello 🎶 and his finger begins to bleed. The logical thing would be to stop what you're doing, wipe off the blood & get some treatment for your finger. But nooo, THE SHOW MUST GO ON and the cellist simply refuses to stop practicing. Um okay, what's his deal? Hey Beethoven, I know playing the cello is very serious business, but surely you can put on a band-aid first.
But noooo, perfect people aren't allowed to bleed! I must keep playing the cello until every last drop of blood leaves my body! 😵
Then, we see this super intense girl jogging outside in the middle of the night. She checks her watch and it's literally 3:14 AM. Um okay, what's her deal? I've heard of people waking up early to do a morning run, but never at 3AM in the morning. PERFECT PEOPLE DON'T NEED TO SLEEP. WE RUN 24/7 NIGHTLY MARATHONS HERE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF PERFECTIONISTS!!!
Already, I'm laughing my ass off at these scenes because NOBODY in their right minds would think this behaviour is normal. You'd think the best and brightest students at Beacon Heights would have enough common sense to know that you shouldn't be running outside at 3AM. Go to bed, ya weirdo!
IT'S TIME FOR THE EXCITING NEW INTRO SONG! ...oh, never mind. It turns out The Perfectionists used the *exact* same theme song as the Pretty Little Liars intro. Oh sure, it was sung by another artist in a different (aka. worse) musical arrangement, but it's basically the same thing. Was this supposed to be a nostalgic callback or were the showrunners simply too cheap to license another song? Either way, this is a timeless bop and I'll never get tired of singing along~ 🎶 Two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead! 🎶
The only difference about the "new" intro is that nobody did the iconic finger-shush thing, which actually made me a little sad. Why keep the same song when you're gonna get rid of the best part about the original PLL intro? Give me my long-awaited Mona shush now! ☹
I feel like anyone watching The Perfectionists should already be an existing Pretty Little Liars fan, so I don't have to introduce Alison and explain who she is, right? Even if you haven't watched PLL, you should know about her historic legacy. Much like Harry Potter or Mickey Mouse, Alison DiLaurentis is a famous childhood mascot, an iconic pop culture phenomenon, and an universal household name. No introductions are necessary.
Anyway, the selling point of The Perfectionists is that Alison & Mona's original PLL characters are being parachuted into the new show. To be perfectly honest, I don't know if I would've watched The Perfectionists *if* Alison and Mona weren't in it, so their transparent ploy to hook in diehard PLL fans did work on me. Instead of treating this as a new show, I consider The Perfectionists as the unofficial eighth season of Pretty Little Liars. Don't bother correcting me, my world of denial where PLL never got cancelled is very blissful, thank you.
The most interesting part about Alison's inclusion in The Perfectionists is how they'll sort out her family situation. At the end of Pretty Little Liars, Alison was happily married to Emily and raising their two kids (twins!) together in a perfect suburban utopia. And then, the PLL spin-off got announced, yet Emily was NOT part of the cast, so I was verrry curious to see what the writers would do with their relationship. Let's see you try digging yourselves out of this hole, teehee~
Alison: Emily left me. She just can't get past the past.
Wow, I can't believe they brought back Pretty Little Liars just to KILL Emison within the first thirty seconds lmao. We went from Emily and Alison playing happy house in matrimonial bliss *to* Emily divorcing Alison and also kidnapping their kids just a few years later. This fairytale ending is DARKSIDED, man.
To be honest, I'm not sure if I buy Alison's excuse. Quite convenient that her wife is suddenly "out of the picture" if you ask me. Kinda reminds me of the fabricated stories that Scott Peterson or Chris Watts told the police before their missing wives were found murdered by their own husbands. We might have to check Alison's basement to see if Emily is currently locked up and chained to a chair, that's all I'm saying.
Speaking of eerie domestic abuse, did everyone catch Shay Mitchell's guest stint on the show You? I totally watched it just for her, and I also watched Lucy Hale in her now-cancelled show Life Sentence. The life of a devoted Pretty Little Liars fan means that I must watch every single TV show these actresses feature in. I don't know why, but I get a strange sense of obligation to support their other acting roles. And each time I watch one of their shows, I feel like I'm a PLL fan reporting for duty.
Anyway, Alison is now a single unattached woman after ditching the wife and dumping the kids in an orphanage, so it's time for a fresh start! She took a new teaching job at Beacon Heights University and moved all the way to Oregon, where she was immediately greeted by an unfriendly face.
Alison: *turns around* MONA!?!?!? What are you doing here!? 😱
Mona: *holding a knife* I brought pie. 😀 🔪 😀 🔪
Alison was asking about how her stalker broke into her new house, why is she holding a knife, and where is the nearest phone so I can call the cops on you. However, Mona interpreted the question slightly differently and told Alison that she works in the admissions office at BHU. In fact, she was the one who recruited Alison to this school. Basically, Mona was hired to recruit the best and brightest teachers...and instead, she did a half-assed job and just hired the people she knew back in high school lol.
Alison: I thought you were in...
Mona: France? Yeah, I was there for a while, but eventually the reasons I was there escaped me. So I came back to the States to devote something that suited my talents and passions: game design, for Hotchkiss. Then, ten months ago, I was hired to help refine their student and faculty selection process. And I did. I chose you.
Mona's career path is SO BIZARRE. She went from being a political campaign intern, to being a cafe owner in Paris, to being a video game designer, to being a university admissions officer. Like, none of these jobs are even remotely related to each other? Does she even have any of the required job qualifications? Or did Mona just resort to her old tricks and blackmail these companies into hiring her? Oh yeah, that's probably it lol.
Mona: How about I give you a tour tomorrow?
Alison: Don't you have work? 😒
LMAO. The gag here is that Mona just invents whatever job duties she feels like doing for the day. Apparently, it's part of Mona's "job" (I feel like I must use quotation marks) to show teachers around the campus. Alison sounded totally reluctant during the entire conversation, looking for any excuse to blow off Mona so that they don't have to spend the whole day together tomorrow. "Don't you have work?" was the equivalent of saying "Please Mona, don't you have somebody else to stalk???"
After Alison leaves the room, Mona looks into the mirror and proceeds to have a conversation...with her own reflection?
Mona: *to herself* Alison is as determined as she ever was, don't you think?
lol dis bitch is so cray. However, what's even crazier than Mona's conversation with herself is Mona's conversation with Alison, because I have NO IDEA why Alison is even talking to her lunatic stalker at 3:14 AM in the morning. Why are the two of you sitting around and catching up like old friends when y'all HATED each other in high school? I know The Perfectionists is supposed to be ~a fresh start~, but there's too much bad blood (and murder attempts!!!) between Alison and Mona. The only words Ali should say to Mona are "restraining order" and then she can talk to herself in the police precinct mirror all she likes.
During the campus tour, Mona gossips about the MEGA RICH family called The Hotchkisses, who's funding and running the school. However, TRAGEDY STRUCK when their billionaire heiress daughter Taylor Hotchkiss committed suicide last year.
Mona: Oh! You're living in her house. 😀
Alison: WHAT!? 😱
Mona: Don't worry, it's all new furniture. 😀
I love how Mona just dropped that massive bombshell and then casually carried on. No biggie, you're just sleeping in a house haunted by the ghost of a dead suicidal girl~ but good news, your bed is from IKEA!
Lit Crit 101 with Professor Alison DiLaurentis
At first, I thought Alison was hired as a legitimate professor @ BHU because she's like some incredible teaching prodigy. However, it turns out she's only the TA for some measly lit crit course. From the way they were hyping up Beacon Heights, I expected these intellectually gifted students to be reading hardcore books from 19th Century Russia, but Alison's first lesson was like *omg let's talk about our fave characters from sophie kinsella's shopaholic series!!!* and I realize this is the kind of fluff course that students take to boost their GPA.
Okay, I'm just kidding. Recap Everything doesn't discriminate against any book genre because I believe #AllBooksMatter. I actually think a university curriculum where you only read and analyze chick lit books would be AMAZING lol. I would ace that course so hard, oh my god.
Alison: Welcome back to school! Your summer assignment was to read a book by one of my favourite authors, Agatha Christie. And Then There Were None tackles many complex themes and I'm interested to see what you guys think! Who wants to go first?
Is Alison teaching a class or is she just hosting a book club? OMG U GUISE! SO MANY COMPLEX THEMES! WHAT R UR THOUGHTS? In case you don't know how these lectures work, the students just go online to see what other people say about the book, and then they present these same ideas in class as if it were their own unique thoughts. The TA just stands there, nodding a few times and smiling pleasantly, while mentally counting down the minutes until the end of class.
Okay, it's time to meet the Real Housewives of Beacon Heights! First up, we have Dylan Walker. This pretty little musician is actually quite the brainiac. Not only is he smart, but he's also the type of student who puts up his hand and answers the teacher's questions first (sorry, can't relate). From what we've seen so far, Dylan is talented, intelligent, dedicated, confident & exuding such a BIG DICK ENERGY that I want him to whip it out and slap me in the face with it.
Dylan: *gives a thoughtful answer in class*
Alison: *awkward* ......Incisive. I agree.
I'm starting to believe Alison didn't prepare any lecture notes and just looked up synonyms for different ways to agree with her students. Insightful, I see your point of view! Interesting, I like the way you think! Intuitive, I think you made a good point!
Next, we have Ava Jalali. She's the pretty little YouTuber of the group. Ava was totally using this lecture time to catch up on SparkNotes, but got caught off-guard when Alison called her out on the spot.
Ava: Well, there were some... And then there were none... So it's about the dichotomy between something and nothing.
Alison: Wow. Nice try.
When you haven't done the class assignment, you gotta make up something with the dichotomy between lying your ass off and spewing out a bullshit answer. Ava needs to learn from Alison on how to put up a massive front. Bitch hasn't read the book either, but here she is teaching the whole class about all the ~COMPLEX THEMES~ and ~INCISIVENESS~. See, this is how you pretend to know what you're talking about.
Ava: I spent the summer growing my YouTube channel. It's how I pay for tuition.
Alison: I get it, but you're gonna have to come to class more prepared.
Um, I don't get it??? I don't understand the dichotomy between Ava's tuition and Ava being too lazy to read a book for class. This girl acts like she was out on the streets with a bowl and begging for money, when the reality is that she was in front of a camera trying out different nail polish and getting paid for it. Ava basically spent the summer watching & uploading YouTube videos instead of taking a few hours out of her life to read a damn book. Am I supposed to feel sorry for this bitch? Because I don't.
Our next two students are Nolan Hotchkiss, the pretty little douchebag, along with his pretty little trophy girlfriend, Caitlin Lewis. I guess they're kinda like the power couple of the campus. He's the billionaire playboy from the most powerful family, while she's the perfect daughter of some big-shot senator. In other words, these are just two privileged rich kids enjoying their family fortune and status. Sorry, can't relate.
(Sidebar: Why does *politician's daughter* seem to be such a common character archetype in the PLL universe? I swear to god that they keep popping up lmao. There are so many senator daughters running around, more than I can count.)
Nolan is a stereotypical rich asshole, going out of his way to behave like the biggest douchenozzle on the planet. He carries himself with a natural swagger that says *I'm rich, I'm young, I'm hot, I've a jawline that can cut a bitch, I can do whatever the fuck I want*.
Nolan: Payback's a bitch. The characters got what they deserved. They did terrible things and they got terrible things done to them. I thought you would appreciate that world view, Ms. DiLaurentis.
You'd think Nolan might have a little more self-awareness before saying such a meta line like that. 🙈 You can tell Nolan's little jab really got under Alison's skin. Her whole mantra in The Perfectionists is that she's a reformed mean girl who has seen the light, so Alison doesn't like being reminded that she used to be the Nolan Hotchkiss of her pretty little liars group. I'm pretending to be a Good Person now, Nolan! Stop ruining my narrative!
How did Nolan find out about Alison's past? Well, Alison immediately sussed out that it must've been goddamn Mona talking mad shit about her around the school. For a moment, Alison forgot that she's a Good Person Now and unleashed her inner mafia boss with a hilarious DEATH GRIP on Mona's shoulder. 😠 HOW DARE YOU SMEAR MY PRISTINE GOOD NAME, I WILL DESTROY YOU MONA!!! 😠
Mona: I didn't tell anyone, especially Nolan! He's super smart, but he doesn't belong here. By my calculations, he can be...dangerous. Just try to stay away from him.
Of course, Mona plays dumb and acts like she hasn't been putting up picket signs around campus warning everyone about Alison. 🙊 However, even Mona seems a little intimidated by Nolan, insisting that he's a dangerous dude. I mean, she's not wrong. By my calculations, rich + powerful + sociopath is a very scary formula.
Meet my fake girlfriend. Now, meet my secret girlfriend.
OMG WE HAVE OUR FIRST SCANDAL!!! 👏 👏 👏 The students were asked to do a book report. However, Nolan has been blackmailing Dylan and bullies him into writing everyone's essays (except Caitlin's). At first, that phony bitch Ava was like "I feel SO bad about this! You don't have to do mine!" but then she dropped the act and simply went along with the extortion plan lol.
Dylan might be smart, but asking someone to write three term papers on the same topic is overwhelming. As a result, he got super sloppy with his copy-and-paste skills and became too obsessed with the word 'meticulous', using it very meticulously in all of their essays. It didn't take long before Alison clocked that shit and pulled up the school's plagiarism policy while grading their papers. *lol busted* Dylan, gurrrrl, I think you're in danger.
Okay, sidebar moment. We have to talk about how impossibly cute Alison looks in a pair of glasses. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yessss!!! WE LUV THIS LEWK. Oh my god, Alison grading college papers with her hair up like that and wearing those cutie-pie glasses is seriously such a mood.
In all these years, I was never once convinced that Alison could be considered a legitimate teacher *until* the moment she put on those glasses. I don't know why, but it transformed her entire demeanour and I'm finally a believer. I swear if Alison wore those glasses all the time, Emily wouldn't have been able to look at that adorable face and still ask for a divorce.
Caitlin is the only one who didn't get a free plagiarized essay, and she kinda expresses her concerns about this shitty blackmail arrangement.
Caitlin: Dylan, whatever Nolan has on you... If there's anything I can do to help...
Dylan: We're his fake friends, alright? We just hang out to make it look like he has the perfect posse.
Weirdly, Dylan lashes out at her even though Caitlin was just trying to be a nice person. BITCH WE AIN'T REAL FRIENDS!!! Um, okay? Well, excuse me for caring. My sympathy for Dylan only goes so far, and not if he keeps being a dick towards everyone. He's like a contestant on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, and Caitlin is the call-a-friend lifeline offering him the answer for the million dollar question, but Dylan just hangs up on her because they aren't actually that well-acquainted lolwhoops~
Not only is Dylan blackmailed into doing their essays, but Nolan and Ava are also dumping their entire course load onto him. Here's our history assignments, our sociology theses, our philosophy projects, an online customer service questionnaire, and some funky personality test that I downloaded from Teen Vogue. Please complete all of this homework within the next 24 hours, Dylan.
Andrew: Why do you keep doing all this work for Nolan and Ava???
Dylan: I was just helping some friends with their homework...
Andrew: That can get you expelled!
The recurring theme in this episode is that Dylan has such a good support system around him, and all these concerned people are like *HELP ME 2 HELP YOU*, but Dylan continues the downtrodden path on his own accord. Part of me feels like there's a masochistic side to Dylan who secretly enjoys being used. Yes Master Nolan, crack that whip a little harder please! 😍
Dylan is sickeningly sweet and lovey-dovey with his college boyfriend Andrew. They gush over each other with ridiculously cheesy lines like "Saying yes to you is the best thing that ever happened to me!" and "I never thought I would get serious with anyone until I met you!". Like maybe these lines are cute for a Disney princess to say at the end of their feature films, but it's slightly more cringeworthy coming from two grown adults IRL.
The fact that Dylan and Andrew are already so perfectly blissful in their first scene together means SHIT'S ABOUT TO HIT THE FAN in their relationship. The two of them are too happy, too united, too early, too soon. Those who bought advanced tickets to the Dylan x Andrew ship may want to wait on shore for a while before boarding. This gay rainbow is about to lose all its colours, my friends.
The life of a Beacon Heights student is so hardcore that you must cram in studying sessions at any given time, even immediately after having sex. Caitlin doesn't bother cleaning up or getting dressed before she's already poring over a textbook. Damn right, I'm just gonna lie in this bed, buck naked, tits out, booty up, bodily fluids still on my back, and recite Latin words like a proper intellectual. 📚
Who knew gratuitous nudity on television can be so tasteful and cerebral? This isn't some trashy HBO show where random breasts flap about in the wind, you're watching an elevated show where the naked females know how to pronounce. spell, and define the meaning of cunnilingus. Props to them, it's refreshing to see The Perfectionists take their pornography to a much higher, classier, more academic realm.
There must be a contractual clause where all the new actors and actresses must STRIP OFF during The Perfectionists premiere. We see a whole lotta skin from everyone in this episode, with their perfect size zero bodies, and perfect slender hips, and perfect broad shoulders, and perfect pecs so pronounced that you start wondering if these guys have to wear a sports bra.
At certain parts of the episode, it definitely felt like I was watching a nudist party happening up in this joint. WHY IS EVERYONE SO NAKED???
When Caitlin's boyfriend walked out shirtless, I *legit* thought this was Nolan's character and spent the next few minutes so confused over why she called him "Jeremy". Is that his middle name? I guess I was so mesmerized by his naked torso that I didn't even bother looking at him in his face or listening to his British accent. It took me a while before realizing this Jeremy was a completely different character from Nolan lol.
The plot twist is that Nolan and Caitlin aren't a real couple. He has been blackmailing her to act like his fake trophy girlfriend in public, just to impress his mother. In actuality, Caitlin is dating another dude, a "rocket scientist" (with that ridiculous body??? quotation marks must be used...) named Jeremy that she stashed away in her secret sex den.
Nolan has been blackmailing Caitlin with video footage of her senator mom... cheating on her other mom... with another man. *ooh juicy drama* If this video gets leaked, it will be the end of her mom's marriage and her political career. Considering Nolan could've used this blackmail to leverage for more money, more power & more kinky sex, it seems so juvenile that he settled for a fake girlfriend instead. It's like finding a genie's lamp and then wishing for a hamburger. Maybe dream a little bigger, Mr. Hotchkiss?
Caitlin believes her mom will become the president one day, so she agrees to Nolan's blackmail just to keep the sex scandal suppressed. I gotta say, a lesbian POC woman becoming president in Trump's America is so brazenly progressive that I *want* to live in such an optimistic reality. Yaaaas, Caitlin's mom 4 prez!!!
Caitlin might be his fake girlfriend in public, but Nolan is secretly dating that YouTube trollop Ava. They have to keep their romance on the DL because secret relationships are HAWT, and also because Nolan is a scared momma's boy who knows his mom wouldn't approve of Ava.
Nolan: I was born into this perfect family. I don't have a choice but to be the best at everything, or at least look like I am. But you... You're gonna be somebody. You're gonna do it on your own. I respect that.
Ava: I love that you believe in me~~~
The appeal of Nolan and Ava's romance is that they're both evil soulless demons who fall in love. Every time they kiss, just remember that Nolan blackmailed two innocent people, and Ava was knowingly complicit in letting him take advantage of them. It's like watching the love story unfold between Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. I guess it's kinda hot if you're into awful people discovering love with each other.
Remember when Ava said she was working soooo hard on growing her YouTube channel that she didn't even have the time to read a book? Here she is at work, lounging by the pool in a bikini, and figuring out ways to INFECT her YouTube subscribers' computers with POP-UP VIRUSES just so she can make more ad revenue.
Ava: I'm writing a script that enables pop-ups on my channel to bypass privacy blocks.
WOW, THIS BITCH IS EVIL!!!!! I shudder to think that some poor innocent 12-year-old girl watching Ava's make-up tutorial is gonna have her personal info leaked and sold to a bunch of corporate mofos. Remember to subscribe to ADVERT JALALI's YouTube channel, where there's a new pop-up virus infection updated every single day!
The scariest thing about Ava is that she *knows* what she's doing is wrong, and *pretends* to have some kind of internal moral dilemma, but then decides that she doesn't give enough fucks and continues her evildoing anyway.
Ava: I feel bad about Dylan doing my work. We're all under enough pressure as it is. ☹
If you feel so bad about blackmailing Dylan, maybe you should be doing your own homework right now instead of having wild poolside sexcapades with your douchebag billionaire boyfriend? *unhooking mah bikini top* I don't even understand why Ava is spending her YouTube revenue on tuition when she's so allergic to books and doesn't want to learn anything. It seems like she's only enrolled in this university to hook up with rich playboys.
Mama Hotchkiss is NOT a fan of Ava, partly because of her family's troubled background, and partly because she can see that gold-digging succubus hunting for her son's fortune from a mile away.
Claire: I met Miss Jalali on the way out. I didn't know you guys were friends. She's VERY attractive.
Nolan: She's just a friend...
Claire: Well, let's keep it that way. You do not need her family's drama. You're on the right track with Caitlin.
Despite the fact that I've been mercilessly dragging her throughout this recap, I'm actually Team Ava. Yes, I'm rooting for this seductive trollop to sink her claws into Nolan and swindle everything out of the Hotchkiss billionaire fortune. Sometimes you gotta fight evil with evil, and I want Ava to fuck over the fuckboy.
Nolan walks around with so much swagger and bravado that you wouldn't expect him to be so subservient towards his mother, but he strangely is. Even when he wants to defy her and quit the rowing team, Nolan's mom always ~gets her way~.
Nolan: I might not want to crew this fall.
Claire: But you worked so hard to become captain, why would you want to throw all of that away!?
Nolan: Because I'm taking on a full load of classes. I'd like some time for myself.
Claire: To do what???
LMAO. The way Mama Hotchkiss said the last part was SO condescending that I instantly became a fan. Who is Nolan trying to kid anyway, pretending that he's too busy with schoolwork? Gurrrl, stop fronting. We all know you never do anything productive with your time, so you might as well just do what your mommy says.
Once she's alone, Mama Hotchkiss is immediately on the walkie-talkie, ordering her lackeys to secretly spy on her son 24/7. I want video footage of his every movement, his every poop, and his every poolside sexcapade. Give me detailed and updated status reports down to his every last fart.
Claire: I want active surveillance on BH5.
Claire's Lackey: That's your son... Are you sure?
Claire: I'm ALWAYS sure.
Damn, you know you're hardcore when you have a designated code name for spying on your own son. I know it's early days, but I can already tell Spymaster Hotchkiss is gonna be one of my fave characters in The Perfectionists. This woman is absolutely BOSS. 😎
The Perfectionists? More like The Plagiarists, am I right?
I'm not sure why Alison didn't just report the plagiarism to the school authorities, get the students expelled, and call it a day. Instead, she goes on a campus witchhunt, cornering each student and trying to find out who cheated from whom.
Ava: I never had any kind of problem with my work before...
Alison: I don't think this is your work. This is an extremely layered and thoughtful paper, and in class you admitted you hadn't even read the book. So, who wrote it? Nolan or Dylan?
Did Alison call Ava into this meeting to interrogate her or to insult her? Because Ava just got dissed, y'all. Alison basically said this bitch was too shallow and dumb to come up with any interesting thought on her own. *lol* It's strange Alison had such a good read on Ava, but couldn't figure out if Nolan or Dylan was the original author. Oh gee, I wonder whether the insightful essays came from the billionaire jackass or the smart sensitive scholarship student. I think it could go 50/50 either way!
We learn about Ava's troubled family background, which involved her father getting caught in a money laundering scheme after he scammed his clients out of millions of dollars. Now her dad is on the run from the feds, and her mom decided to bounce, leaving Ava all alone to fend for herself.
I think I'm supposed to feel sorry for Ava, but my thoughts are *not really* and *bitch please*. I do feel bad for the people who lost their money because of her crooked father, but it's gonna be a tough sell asking me to sympathize with the criminal's daughter. Are we even sure that Ava doesn't have any personal involvement in her dad's money laundering? Knowing her, I feel like she would be right in the middle of this highly lucrative monetizing scheme. Can the FBI please examine Ava's YouTube account and check to see if it's linked to several fraudulent offshore accounts?
Ava: I have a party to go to. If you want to help, leave me and my friends alone and just let this go.
How on earth did this conversation end with "I HAVE A PARTY TO GO TO"??? This is supposed to be a serious conversation, where Alison has proof that Ava plagiarized her essay and can easily get her expelled from school. You'd think Ava would be on her knees and begging for mercy right now. Instead, this bitch's response is like *don't be tardy to the party, ho*. Does Ava not understand what's happening, or does she simply not give a damn? Expel me all you want, but just don't come between me and my party!
The party is some kind of social mixer hosted at the Hotchkiss mansion, where students and teachers can mingle with each other. All the main characters are in attendance. Of course Mona is there too, holding a clipboard and pretending to look busy.
Mona: Welcome to the welcome back party! Try the champagne, I picked it myself!
Alison: Is that part of your job too? 😏
LMAO. I love all the snide comments that Alison makes towards Mona's job. It's clear she doesn't think highly of this so-called admissions officer and whatever line of work she's supposed to do. By the way, Mona does appear several more times throughout this episode in the most conspicuous ways. She's either stalking Alison through a window or spying on Nolan from under a bridge. Y'know, just Mona doing usual Mona things.
During the party, Alison meets Claire Hotchkiss for the first time. I'm not sure what is Claire's role in this school. Is she like the dean? Queen of the university? Or just some billionaire rich lady who throws lavish parties? Either way, she seems to be a Very Important Person so you should probably suck up to her.
Claire: Your application really spoke to me. There were many reasons. Your academic record, your essay, but we were really impressed with your journey from mean girl to mentor.
Sure, let's pretend Alison got hired because of her credentials and not because of some deeper, darker plot that will be revealed over the season. It's quite impressive that Alison managed to fool the world and successfully rebranded herself as the spokesperson of anti-bullying. Like, I gotta laugh. Imagine if Alison was just a good person from the start, there wouldn't be an inspiring ~journey~ and she never would have gotten recruited by BHU.
Alison: I really hope that I can connect with these kids. I want to help them.
Claire: That's why my daughter became a teacher. You really remind me of her.
Alison: I'm really sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to outlive their child.
Wow, their conversation went from *pleasant small talk* to *lemme casually mention my dead suicidal daughter* in the bat of an eye. I love how Alison says no parent should outlive their child when she's THE poster girl of faking her own death and putting her family in agony for years. Somewhere in a cemetery far, far away, Jessica DiLaurentis is massively rolling over in her grave right now.
Their conversation ends with Queen Hotchkiss giving a thinly veiled threat that Alison BETTER not disappoint her...OR ELSE. The vibe I'm getting from Claire is *smiling assassin*. She plays the gracious hostess in public, but will then lean over and whisper into your ear about slipping untraceable poison into your champagne. Don't be fooled by her pristine smile or her poised composure, there's a motherfuckin' wolf hidden beneath that pearl necklace.
Claire: I know you won't disappoint me~~~ 😈 😈 😈
I love how Claire automatically assumes everyone is seeking for her approval, as if all these peasants only exist to serve and impress our royal highness. I know my opinion matters very much to a lowly commoner like you, Alison!
During the party, Dylan got insecure after seeing Nolan and Andrew mingle together, so he confronts his blackmailer to back off his man. ANDREW IS MINEEEEE!!! *shakes fist* I thought Nolan was gonna say something douchey in retaliation, but I did NOT expect this kind of response instead:
Nolan: Ooh! You're hot when you're angry. 😘
Up until this point, it was easy to hate on Nolan for being a jerk, but my resolve was suddenly tested when the possibility of a Nolan x Dylan ship floated before my eyes. Not gonna lie, my heart skipped a beat at this scene. I can't believe I felt nothing at Dylan & his official bf getting lovey-dovey, but then felt my pulse racing at Dylan getting tormented by his asshole abuser. Yes, I am the kind of trash who stans toxic gay relationships. OH LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH TO KEEP HATING NOLAN & NOT SHIP HIM WITH DYLAN!!!
IT'S TIME FOR A PARTY PHOTOSHOOT! Mama Hotchkiss gathers Nolan and his friends for a group picture at the party (this is such a MOM thing to do, no matter how old or how rich you are). For some bizarre reason, Ava decides this is the perfect time and place to hold hands with Nolan. You're in a very public setting, you're taking a photograph, and his mom is literally standing next to you, and this is the exact moment you play handsies with your secret boyfriend??? Hehe, no one will see us! Move your hand away Nolan, I wanna give your dick a squeeze! ✋
What the fuck, Ava!? This trollop must have an ulterior motive and wanted to out their secret romance for the dramaz. Nolan was NOT having it though and slinked his hand away, but it was too late and EVERYBODY saw. Can you believe he went through all that trouble to spy on Senator Lewis, blackmail Caitlin, and fake a relationship, only for Ava to blow his cover because she wanted to get frisky for a few secs? lol gurrrrrl.
Mama Hotchkiss saw exactly what happened and was internally screaming THIS FUCKING TROLLOP!!! in her head, but had to remain composed and smile for the photograph. Let me emphasize that holding Nolan's hand wasn't some spur-of-the-moment thing, it was definitely a calculated move on Ava's part. You see the steely determined dollar signs in her eyes and it's clear the bitch knew exactly what she was doing. This is a golddigger with a plan.
My guess is that Claire knew about their secret relationship eons ago and already tried fending off Ava, but the little hussy is like IDGAF and even flirts with Nolan just to provoke his mother. Maybe it's part of some long con where Ava hopes that Claire will give her a big cash payout to leave her son alone. I know everyone thinks Nolan is the baddie of the series, but Ava is actually the one to watch. This devious minx is up to no good and I'm LOVING all her villainous antics. 😈
Caitlin didn't even cheat on her damn essay, but that hasn't stopped Alison from pestering the poor girl in her ongoing Nancy Drew investigation. In fact, Alison looked into Caitlin's family background, reviewed her browser history, checked her banking accounts, rummaged through her garbage, and even ran a DNA test just to understand her student better. I know all about you, Caitlin Lewis, even better than you know yourself!
Alison's investigation seems like a serious breach of privacy for a student who didn't even plagiarize in the first place. At this point, it's obvious that Alison doesn't care about catching the plagiarist and this is more of an excuse to snoop into her students' personal lives. Alison isn't seeking for actual justice here. Girlfriend just wants some gossip!
Alison: Is your fantasy about Nolan? I saw the two of you arguing.
Caitlin: No, thank you ma'am.
Alison: Are you afraid of him? Because I can help.
Caitlin: No, thank you ma'am.
Alison: Are you pretending to be his girlfriend when he's actually interested in Ava?
Caitlin: No, thank you ma'am.
Imagine your university professor approaching you with "IS UR FANTASY ABOUT NOLAN??? 👀" holylol. Despite all of Caitlin's responses being *no no no no noooo*, Alison won't leave her alone and insists on rescuing this women's shelter victim from her abusive boyfriend. I WORK FOR THE PLAGIARISM POLICE! LEMME CHECK YOU INTO THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM!
Is Nolan Hotchkiss a top, a bottom, or versatile?
Detective Alison has solved the case! It was you, Dylan Walker! YOU ARE THE PLAGIARIST!!!
After taking way too long to solve the most obvious mystery ever, Alison has finally identified Dylan as the culprit behind the plagiarized essays. Apparently, Dylan was too good of a writer and probably should've used more three-lettered words to match Nolan and Ava's actual vocabularies. Dylan tried to deny the allegations at first, but quickly cracked under the pressure and already started spewing his sob story to seek refugee asylum. I WAS A SMALL TOWN GAY GUY! 😢 THEY ALL HATED ME! 😢 I CAN'T GO BACK TO MY WAR-TRODDEN HOMELAND! 😢 PLEASE DON'T EXPEL ME! 😭
Dylan's backstory is that he came to Beacon Heights University on a music scholarship. Growing up as a gay dude in a small town, let's just say there weren't a lot of pride flags around the rodeo. Music was Dylan's ticket outta there. Since attending BHU, Dylan scored himself a cute architect boyfriend and even has his sights set on getting a chair position in a big-city orchestra. Dylan's new life was going perfectly, until Alison was like *imma stop u right there* and showed him his deportation papers!
Coming from a fellow LGBTQ community member, you'd think Alison might have more sympathy towards Dylan's plight and give him a pass for this one time. BUT NOPE. He has precisely 24 hours to snitch or his rainbow ass is being chucked back over the border. Wow, Alison really *is* that ruthless to destroy a wonderful young man's life and crush his every single dream. Hey folks, we need to cancel the gay parade this year, because Alison just brought back homophobia in style for 2019.
What scandalous secret does Nolan have over Dylan that would cause him to risk his academic career? Let's find out, shall we? Cue the porn music please! It was night. Dylan and Nolan were alone in the dorm room. The crescent moon shone through the window. There was an intimate atmosphere in the air. The boys were working on a school assignment, but it doesn't really matter. This porno doesn't need a plot.
Nolan: You have Andrew. That's still a thing, right?
Me asking the exact same question after watching one episode of Dylan and Andrew together. Ugh, how is that still a thing? I don't have anything against Andrew, he's sweet and nice and whatever, but I'm already kinda bored of him. It's like gurl get out of the way and go be somebody else's boyfriend.
Dylan: Yeah, he's moving in next week. We are exclusive now.
Nolan: So, if you and I are gonna hook up, we should do it sooner rather than later, before he moves in.
ASDFASDFASDF!!! Sorry, that was Recap Everything malfunctioning at the sexual foreplay because I can't contain my excitement. Oh my god, you guys. I don't know if you understand how momentous this is for me. If only you knew the number of times I watched a TV show, saw two male characters, and thought "they should hook up lol~" and the crushing disappointment that follows when it never happens. Seeing one of my fantasy slash scenarios *actually* play out is such a milestone. It's real! It's happening! They're gonna hook up! I'm not crazy for once! It's not just in my head!
The juvenile fanfiction dialogue is killing me here in a good way. 😆 It's like I *know* none of this is good writing, but *why* do I find every single line so strangely erotic?
Dylan: I thought you and I were just...friends.
Nolan: I've seen the way you look at me when you think I'm not watching.
Dylan: You...you wanna finish this paper...?
Dylan: No. I want you to kiss me.
Dylan was being so timid in his responses, as if he can't believe this is really happening. Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine that hot straight guy he lusted after would be down for some sexually fluid adventures. Somebody needs to pinch Dylan's cheeks and let him know that he won the gay lottery. Gurl, you hit jackpot! Tonight, for one night only, you've been chosen to go to the fantasy suite!
Let me ask you a question. If Nolan Hotchkiss stood in front of you and said that he'd like to present you with his cock, do you have the willpower to resist him? 🍆🍆🍆
In Dylan's case, he was a little apprehensive going into the kiss, perhaps remembering that he's in a monogamous relationship with his boyfriend. (The irony of Dylan saying "We're exclusive!" literally thirty seconds ago lol.) But seriously, how much of a buzzkill would it be if they built up all this sexual tension, only for Dylan to back down, shake Nolan's hand, and thank him for his interest even if nothing can ever happen between them. Um, that shit would have SUCKED. Thankfully, Dylan did the right thing and traded Andrew away for some anal action instead.
I get why Dylan cheated. What I don't understand is why he let Nolan blackmail him for tapping dat ass. In Caitlin's case, the stakes were much higher, so it's understandable based on her circumstances. In Dylan's case, why didn't he just admit to being a shitty boyfriend than get blackmailed to the point of academic expulsion? The severity of the secret didn't match the magnitude of the blackmail IMO. No wonder he didn't accept Caitlin's help earlier because he knows his scandal is shit compared to hers. She would've been like "You got blackmailed just for THAT? wtf weaksauce~"
Just come clean, dude. And who knows? Maybe Andrew would be perfectly understanding and even open to the idea of a ménage à trois with three sausages on the barbecue grill.
Nolan and Dylan didn't just kiss once or twice. It was a whole barrage of passionate Hotchkisses, one following the next, until they were full-on making out against the wall. And we have to mention how surprisingly comfortable Nolan is with the guy-on-guy intimacy. No hesitation whatsoever. He isn't some bicurious newbie experimenting with men for the first time. Our sexually fluid king is VERY familiar with this neck of the woods.
Of course, Dylan must be enjoying every moment of his ultimate sex fantasy. He's living through so many gay porno scenarios all at once. Bedding a billionaire. Seducing a straight guy. Scoring with a college crush. Honestly, it might be worth losing a boyfriend and getting expelled just for achieving more sexual gratification in one evening than most people do in a lifetime.
The guys stripped off, pounced onto the bed, and...we cut back to reality right before the penetration scenes begin. Nooo, we were just getting to the good stuff! Somebody help! Will I be able to find the rest of the x-rated footage on PornHub instead!?
We see this flashback in the middle of Dylan's interrogation scene. This is kinda hilarious because it appears like he was ~drifting off~ and ~reminiscing~ about his sexual fantasy in broad daylight. While Alison rambled on about the school's plagiarism policy, all Dylan could think about was Nolan pounding him in bed. *lolololol* Coincidentally, my thoughts have drifted off to the exact same mental imagery. 👀
You have a new twin sister, Alison!
So, here's a random picture of the letter A in a blatant callback to Pretty Little Liars. It has no significance whatsoever, but just thought I'd point it out. One of the best parts about The Perfectionists is that we don't get spammed with an overabundant use of that damn letter A, because I am *still* recovering from that gimmick two years later. Please, no more letter As anymore. You had your fun for seven seasons, but it's time to move onto a new letter in the alphabet.
P.S. I feel like there are probably lots more hidden easter eggs in the premiere episode, but I must have missed them all because I'm such a bad PLL fan. 😟
Here we go again, Nolan is in bed with yet another trifling ho. This one doesn't even get a name or a tragic backstory. It's like we both know the routine, let's skip the introductions, and simply hop on for the joyride.
Nolan's sexual encounter with this random girl was just one of his many conquests, in a long line of anonymous hook-ups that consisted of models, social media personalities, and the occasional little gay twinks. Everyone wants to sleep with Nolan Hotchkiss, and this well-travelled whore is so in demand that future hook-ups must schedule their appointments weeks in advance. You wanna be the next sex object with low enough self-esteem to get used and disposed by Nolan? We'll pencil you in for a 15-minute session three months from now, see you then!
Ava was BLINDSIDED when she walked in on her boyfriend's raunchy romp with another woman. HOW DARE YOU! I THOUGHT IT WAS TRUE LUV! Gurrrrl. How did she not see this coming? If you're gonna hook up with a billionaire douchebag playboy, you gotta know your relationship has a finite shelf life. You have around 3 weeks until your expiration date before they take you off the girlfriend rack.
Ava: Why are you doing this!? We were good together!
Nolan: It was just about the sex for me and I'm BORED of you.
It's like hooking up with Hugh Hefner and expecting him to be your one and only prince charming. Soooo unrealistic. C'mon Ava Nicole Smith, you know the arrangement you signed up for. Get that dick, get that money, and then get out.
Ava's heartbreak stems from the fact that she saw all of Nolan's money slip away from her grasp. Losing your boyfriend is sad enough, but losing his billionaire family fortune must be absolutely SOUL-CRUSHING.
Ava: What are you talking about!? This isn't you! I can get past this! I can get past this if you just talk to me!
Why is Ava the one begging and grovelling here? It's sad watching this girl throw away any dignity just to keep her spousal inheritance. The bitch really thought she got the money locked down, and was banking on her payday after becoming the new Mrs. Hotchkiss. Sorry Ava, but you should've made Nolan sign a pre-nup while you had the chance. You missed the most crucial step in the golddigger's playbook and now you get nothing.
Nolan wasn't just promiscuous, but he was being straight-up cruel to Ava. It takes a special kind of asshole to cheat on your girlfriend in her own bedroom right before an important photoshoot for her career. This cheating turd couldn't have picked a worse time and place to hurt Ava as much as possible. I didn't just want to break up with you, I wanted to make sure you were emotionally scarred and traumatized for life!
Nolan: Get a grip, Ava. Desperate's not a good look on you.
YIKES. This is the one you choose to lie with, Ava??? Nolan Hotchkiss fucking sucks, and Ava should be thanking her lucky stars that she dodged a real bullet here. If there's any consolation, Ava may not have Nolan as a boyfriend anymore, but at least she'll always have his chlamydia.
Now that Detective Alison cracked the plagiarism case, she news a new piece of juicy gossip to sleuth through and obsess over. Hmm, whose family affairs should I expose next!? Alison sets her sights on the Hotchkiss family, and spends her entire evening after work scouring the Internet for their personal information like an obsessed fan. When are their birthdays!? What are their favourite colours!? How many cousins do they have!? I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING!
Oh my god, Alison seriously needs a new hobby. Somebody get her a Netflix account so that she has something else to do besides snooping in other people's lives. If Alison wants to be a stay-at-home detective so badly, there are plenty of TV mystery shows on The Hallmark Channel that are right up her alley.
ZOMG TWIN TWIST!!! You didn't think you'd go through a PLL spin-off without them trotting out some random blonde-hair, blue-eyed white girl as if she is Alison's exact physical clone. Taylor Hotchkiss is one of the many, many, many, many Alison DiLaurentis impostors introduced over the years. Basically, any blonde girl with resting bitch face is one of Alison's identical twin sisters separated at birth.
Sure, there is some resemblance between Alison and Taylor, but the showrunners take it up ten notches as usual and act like they are exact mirror copies of each other. Oh my god, is Alison looking into her own reflection!? I can't even tell the difference!!!
Even though we were told that Taylor committed suicide a year ago, the circumstances surrounding her death are kept very vague. We don't know how she died or why she killed herself, but luckily Detective Alison will crack the case wide open! I mean, there isn't even an official mystery or any investigation happening yet, but she's already snooping around and prying through these morbid details just for fun. An entertaining evening for Alison involves browsing funeral websites, reading the obituaries, and looking at pictures of dead girls.
When Alison tries searching online for information about Taylor's suicide, she got blocked by the Beacon Heights security network. THE BITCH GOT CENSORED. This was a security protocol imposed by the writers to stop the plot from progressing too far. Hey Alison, you need to slow down with your investigation, because we're only in the first episode and you can't solve all of our Season 1 mysteries during the premiere!
ZOMG SHE'S ALIVE!!! Turns out Taylor faked her own death and was living in some off-the-grid cabin all along. Taylor is so much of a doppelganger that she stole Alison's exact same storyline from PLL. Blonde girl pretends to be dead because somebody had been threatening her...hmm, where have I seen that before? It's one thing to draw parallels between the two characters, but this is practically identity theft. We should report Taylor and get her expelled too because this bitch plagiarized Alison's whole life.
I really thought The Perfectionists would've waited at least a season or two before using the *fake death* trope, but it hasn't even been one episode yet and the showrunners already pulled out all their oldest tricks from Pretty Little Liars. We only have one identical formula for all our TV series and we're gonna stick to it!
Nolan and Taylor are working on a super secret scheme to fight against the evil Beacon Heights security network, which has been spying on all the students in campus. Since the covert operation can be risky and dangerous, Nolan ended his relationship with Ava so that she wouldn't get hurt. I cheated on you only because I wanted to protect you, girl!
Nolan: I broke up with Ava. After what I did today, she'll never believe anything I say again.
Taylor: When this is over, I will talk to her.
Oh gawd. I hope they aren't gonna spin this in a way that makes Nolan look like a ~misunderstood hero~ for what he did. I had sex with another woman for your own safety, Ava! Pfft, what kind of fuckboy justification is this!? Lemme assure you there were PLENTY of other ways to break up with Ava that didn't involve putting your disco stick into the nearest hole.
I'm Julie Chen-Moonves, and this is Pretty Little Liars: Big Brother edition.
The truth behind the Beacon Heights is that there's a widespread surveillance network spying on every student and faculty member. When they first introduced the school's *security system*, I thought it was just gonna be one black-and-white computer screen with a bored minimum-wage employee playing on the phone during the shift. Little did I know there was a frigging state-of-the-art surveillance technology with hundreds of video feed monitors on a massive ass screen.
We aren't just talking about the odd surveillance camera in public spaces, but there are also spycams everywhere in the bedrooms, in the bathrooms, and even in the restroom stalls. Every time you pick your nose, every time you scratch your ass, every time you take a poop, just know Big Brother is watching you on the 24/7 live feeds.
Even Alison has hidden security cameras inside her house, which seems strange because her life is honestly SO boring that I can't imagine anyone interested in watching. Alison has so little happening in her day-to-day life that she was peeling the wallpaper in her house just for fun. Imagine the poor security guard assigned to monitor Alison's surveillance feeds. They must be dying of boredom right now. *lol*
To her surprise, Alison uncovered a hidden message scrawled on the walls: "THEY'RE WATCHING YOU 👀" The irony here is that *nobody* has been watching The Perfectionists if the show's dismal ratings are any indication. The viewing figures came out and they ain't great. There are approximately three people watching this PLL spin-off, and Alison should actually be begging for more people to watch her if she wants a second season.
You thought I was joking about the washroom stall cams, but they literally have the spy cameras set up in the women's restroom and uploading all the footage to fetish porn websites as we speak. 🙈
Of course, Mona knows all about the security network since she's employed as an undercover spy for Beacon Heights. Despite constantly reassuring Alison that she knows nothing shady about the school, Mona was secretly behind everything all along. When Mona talks to her own reflection in the mirror, she was actually conversing with the surveillance team operating behind the mirror. And here you thought the bitch was going crazy talking to her own mirror reflection...well, that statement still holds true, but at least we know the rationale behind her actions lol.
The funniest part about this scene is when some poor random girl was in the restroom and just trying to fix her hair, but Mona CUSSED OUT the bitch for getting in her way lmao.
Mona: GET OUT!!!
Restroom Girl: *ignores her*
GTFO! THIS IS *MY* WASHROOM! Okay, doesn't Mona have some secret chamber or underground lair where she can communicate with the surveillance team? Picking a smelly public restroom to be your covert spy headquarters is certainly a choice.
Meanwhile, Ava has gotten over her heartbreak to focus her energy on plotting revenge against her ex-boyfriend. She gathers Dylan and Caitlin for a late-night rendezvous, suggesting that they work together to get Nolan expelled. Notice how Ava didn't give a shit back when she was an accomplice profiting from her bf's blackmail schemes, but this conniving snake is now a perpetrator masquerading as one of the victims too. 🐍
Ava: I'm done with Nolan. And I want to stop him. Stop what he's doing to us.
Being an avid reality TV fan, I naturally love it when the women and gays form a strategic alliance to take down the cocky alpha male in the competition. Yaaaas, the three underdogs gotta use the power of veto and blindside his ass!
The coven of the three jilted exes brainstormed other ideas to get rid of Nolan, until their discussion turns to...MURDER. *sudden thunder roar*
Dylan: I wish he'd just drop dead. We could kill him.
Caitlin: I have to admit, I have thought about him dying in A LOT of different ways.
Ava: But that's just a fantasy...
Caitlin: BUT WHAT A FANTASY~~~
Okay sis, you need to chill and see a therapist. This isn't the first time Caitlin referred to her homicidal impulses as a fantasy. And for most normal people, it shouldn't be the first word that comes to mind when you discuss someone dying. But for Caitlin, she's getting an orgasm just thinking about Nolan's bloody demise. THE MORE BLOOD I SEE, THE MORE ECSTASY I FEEL!
Caitlin put a lot of thought into her elaborate murder manifesto, even outlining the psychological fear that Nolan experiences before he dies. *lol psycho*
Dylan: Drowning in that ostentatious pool of his...
Ava: Heart attack while he's hooking up with some dumbass bitch...
Caitlin: We push him off the roof. It gives him a second to think about dying before he's impaled on the spikes at the bottom.
The three of them laugh off the remarks as if they were just kidding ha ha ha ha ha, but then glance at each other with super shifty eyes. All of a sudden, murdering Nolan isn't a fantasy anymore - it's a competition. Oh bitches, the challenge is underway! Which one of these assassins will land the killing blow first!?
AND THEN NOLAN ACTUALLY DIED FOR REALSIES. He was murdered in the exact same way as Caitlin described earlier, after falling off a roof and getting impaled by the spiked fence. Nolan would've died from the fall alone, but the fact that he landed right on top of the spikes required some freaky logistics precision. The killer must've calculated that they needed to push Nolan at x-degrees with y-amount of force in order for his body to land in the precise marked spot. Damn, this murder is mathematically hardcore.
The most shocking part about Nolan's death is how blatantly obvious Caitlin implicated herself with the murder. You'd think she might change up a few details to throw the others off the scent, but this bitch is so baller that she goes and kills Nolan and be like ALL 👏 ACCORDING 👏 TO 👏 MY 👏 PLAN. 💯
Of course, Caitlin's guilt seems SO obvious that she's almost certainly a red herring. Maybe there's a possibility that Dylan or Ava may have plagiarized Caitlin's plan? It's also possible the killer either hasn't been introduced yet. Or it might be one of those seemingly peripheral love interests: Andrew or Jeremy...OR EVEN EMILY. Oh my god, imagine the long-awaited Emison reunion only for them to reveal that Emily is the killer. Plot twist goals.
There's no point in speculating who the murderer is though, because you know the showrunners will just change the killer's identity based on the most popular fan theories and then do the exact opposite. *lol we know ur tricks* If I have to pick one person, my guess would be Mona. Haven't you learned your lesson after seven seasons of Pretty Little Liars? When there's a murder, always bet on Mona.