|The Fifth Column tries to assassinate Anna; their attempt goes horribly awry.|
|The Fifth Column tries to assassinate Anna; their attempt goes horribly awry.|
|Heyo! It’s the season finale of sci-fi drama/soap opera V and we were promised plenty of deaths & action. Let’s get started!
The episode begins with a quick pan over the three items that define Erica’s life: a picture of her annoying son Tyler, her job as a FBI agent, and a glass of water to establish what a bland lead character she is.
|Erica wakes up and HOLY CRAP there’s Anna right there with the perfect case of bitchface. Five seconds into the show and it is already *ON*!!!|
|Anna: omg saving an entire species of lizard reptile is so hard!
Erica: WTF are you doing on my bed? GTFO!
Anna: You’re the only one who understands me.
Erica: WTF I’m nothing like you! GTFO!
Anna: Don’t deny it. You’re exactly like me, gurl.
|Erica wakes up and we see what triggered this traumatic nightmare – she’s sleeping with Hobbes (~*geddit girl!*~) and his perfectly manicured armpits.|
|FYI, the show is nearing cancellation, so the writers are trying to squeeze in as much gratuitous shirtlessness from Hobbes whenever they could.|
|And Hobbes is all like: HELLO DARLING, LET’S HAVE SOME LIZARD TAIL FOR BREAKFAST, SHALL WE?|
|At the mothership, Anna gives us some exposition about how Lisa is ready to *mate* with Tyler tonight. Marcus is concerned about the complications with the procedure, but Anna tells him to STFU because that’s how she rolls.|
|Anna: Amy, what is it? What’s wrong?
Amy: Mommy, why did I change ethnicity over the past few episodes?
|Amy tells Anna that she had a bad dream, but Anna comforts her bb girl and says that she’ll never leave her UNLIKE HER FATHER (oh sure, go ahead and portray the black man as the deadbeat dad).
Just then, Lisa sees the nice mother-daughter bonding session between Anna and Amy. They exchange silent but deadly glances with each other.
|HBIC Diana tells the Fifth Column that they need to destroy Anna right now because the show is going to get cancelled if they don’t start doing something. Chad is like WE NEED MORE TIME and the audience is all like STFU CHAD YOU GUYS HAVE TWO SEASONS TO PLAN THIS ATTACK.|
|The Fifth Column is ready to attack and break Diana out of her basement cell in the mothership. Ryan is going to *redeem* himself and lead the rescue mission.|
|Erica and her merry band of boy toys meet up with Lisa. They tell her that she must be the one to eliminate Anna once and for all. Lisa is in shock of course, because even though she has been a race traitor this season, will she be able to kill her own mother?|
|The plan is to trick Anna into believing that Lisa has been taken hostage, thus exposing Anna to risk and danger as she tries to rescue her bb girl.|
|Anna has to cooperate with the useless FBI team in order to save her daughter. Erica tries to pull the sympathy strings with Anna: OMG EVERY MOTHER MUST SACRIFICE HERSELF FOR THEIR CHILDREN’S SAFETY (even if they’re annoying shits like Tyler) Anna is forced to meet with Jack Landry under the kidnappers’ demands.|
|But Anna, being Anna, is not without a few tricks up her sleeves. After issuing a concerned statement to the adoring public, she secretly plans to turn this rescue mission into a publicity stunt!|
|Anna goes in the warehouse to rescue her precious daughter, while Lisa goes through with the plan to kill her own mother. When Anna has her back turned, Lisa pulls out the gun! Anna detects something is wrong and starts to feign human emotions. She talks about how much she can learn from the humans, so she can properly demonstrate her love for Lisa.|
|Lisa, being the emotional wreck with srs mommy issues, is fooled by this insincere display of emotions. As they embrace, that conniving bitch Anna relishes in how she managed to talk her way out of an assassination attempt!|
|Erica freaks out that the assassination attempt didn’t carry through, but the gullible Lisa is convinced that her mother is a ~*changed*~ woman. She also calls out Erica on being a merciless bitch for trying to get her to kill her own mother!|
|When Ryan and Joshua learn that the assassination has failed, they want Diana to go back to her cell for her own safety. But Diana, like any reasonable V who was imprisoned for 15+ years, is like HELL TO THE NO, I AM THE RIGHTFUL QUEEN. IMMA OVERTHROW MY DAUGHTER’S QUEENSHIP.|
|Diana calls a V meeting and is all like WADDUP BITCHES, I’M BACK! THAT’S RIGHT, WORSHIP ME. *smirk smirk awesome bitchface*
Back to her full HBIC status, Diana declares that she is their rightful queen and they need to embrace humanity under her new leadership…
|AND THEN BAM WHAM THANK YOU MA’AM! Diana gets a lizard tail straight through her chest! We also find out why she finally changed out of that red dress for the finale, because splattered blood looks better on white.|
|Anna: bitch plz, try harder next time, oopsies there won’t be a next time for you *lol*
Diana: YOU HAVE JUST DOOMED US ALL! *dies*
Anna: *turns to Lisa* And that’s how you kill your mother.
|After killing her mother and showing all the lizard drones who’s the head bitch around here, Anna has her own daughter locked away for treason!|
|While Joshua almost has a nervous meltdown at the shocking turn of events, Ryan is still determined to rescue his daughter with or without Diana’s help.|
|Ryan tries to convince his daughter to leave the ship with him, but Amy whips out her tail and is all like STFU LOSER. ANNA IS MY ONE AND ONLY PARENT NOW.|
|AND THEN SHE KILLS HER OWN FATHER!!!!!!
OMFG I CAN’T EVEN!!!
|Erica FINALLY tells her son about the nefarious Vs, but Tyler refuses to get off the ship, not just because he’s a dumbass POS, but he won’t believe his mother until he speaks with Lisa.|
|Meanwhile, these two FBI mofos monitored Erica’s phone call and detect that she is in the dark side.|
|Anna has decided that Lisa won’t be the next queen of their species. Instead, she’s putting all her faith into this alternative queen egg instead!|
|And oh boy, is she a beauty!|
|Anna’s master plan is to make her new baby lizard look EXACTLY like Lisa!|
|This finale is turning out to be the worst day ever for Erica, as she finds out that Hobbes is gone and has (presumably) ditched the resistance. As usual, she’s also a wreck about how much danger Tyler is in and boo hoo hoo.|
|Erica regrets being so ruthless in her tactics to stop Anna, and she commends Jack for being such a goody-goody-two-shoes who didn’t want to hurt a fly in order to save humanity. Jack comforts her and tells Erica that it’s not too late to join the good side again.|
|Marcus confesses that he has also betrayed Anna and deserves to die, but she forgives him because he’s only acting in the best interests of their species. Anna also admits that she shouldn’t shun away from human emotions, because it can be used as a powerful weapon.|
|Anna uses voice recognition technology (ooh hi-tech fancy stuff) and detects that Chad is one of the co-conspirators! She orders Marcus to fetch her that traitorous journalist right away.|
|Joshua has put Lisa’s skin on the new bb lizard, and Anna’s first command is to order her to mate with Tyler!|
|Meanwhile, Anna is keeping the *real* Lisa imprisoned in the cell. She asks to be killed, but Anna finally explains why she kept her mother locked away for fifteen years.
Anna: Not all human emotions are bad. This one is called vengeance. I want to see you suffer.
|The *fake* Lisa, in a sexy pink silk robe, immediately goes to seduce the hell out of Tyler. He, however, has some concerns about the Vs after listening to what his mother told him.
Lisa: What? Us evil? No way! I’m hungry. Let’s have sex! *disrobes*
|And then the entire audience has a collective orgasm as Lisa begins to *mate* with Tyler, because we know what this means!|
|But before we get the money shot, the show regretfully cuts back to show more of Erica’s BS drama. She is calling her son again, but suddenly someone puts a bag over her head. Erica has been abducted in her own home!|
|And as *fake* Lisa whips out her fangs, this is the moment we have all been waiting for!!!|
|OH YES! FINALLY! THANK THE V GODS! OH FUCK YES!!!!%r#r@!!! TYLER IS FINALLY DEAD!!!|
|MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This terrible show has completely redeemed itself. Tyler’s death scene is the HIGHLIGHT OF THE SERIES!|
|We also find out who abducted Erica…
Erica: Who are you?
|Lars introduces her to Project Aries, a super secret government sanctioned organization to take down Anna and the Vs. None of this juvenile Fifth Column bullshit that Erica is involved with – we’re playing with the big boys! This is humanity’s last and only hope for the future.|
|Oh, and useless Chad Decker continues to be useless. He gets brought to the V mothership or whatever.|
|Anna isn’t finished with her crazy shenanigans just yet, as she decides to tackle the duty of blissing all humankind!|
|But Anna isn’t strong enough and she’s going to die…|
|Then, Amy comes in and is like MOVE OVER BITCH LET ME SHOW YOU HOW BLISSING HUMANS IS DONE.|
|Erica comes out of her conveniently located government hideout, and finds out that all of humanity is under the spell. Even Father Jack is affected by the bliss.|
|And Erica is like NO NOT JACK DON’T GET BRAINWASHED, WE DIDN’T EVEN GET A KISS SCENE YET.|
|This awesome finale (srsly, it was pretty awesome – completely blew my low expectations) ends with Anna looking triumphant with her new bb daughter Amy.|
|WADDUP HUMANITY, WE ALL BELONG TO THE Vs NOW!!!
*show is then promptly cancelled lol*