|Welcome to another clusterfuck season of True Blood. A lot of shit went down in the last season finale, but we’ll start with the revelation that Sookie is a faerie and she just got inducted into their special idyllic paradise.
Sookie: I have a faerie godmother? If your job is to look after me, can I just say you suck? Do you know how many times I could’ve used a fairy godmother?
|In the magical Faerie World, Sookie also runs into Barrie the Bell Boy from Season 2. He’s accompanied by his own fairy godmother Lloyd, who looks like he moonlights as a gay escort part-time.|
|Their surroundings seem swell at first, or at least until Sookie grows suspicious of the “light fruits” that everyone here keeps eating. Barry takes one bite out of the fruit and he can’t stop devouring it. He’s already addicted.|
|Sookie also meets up with her faerie grandfather, who doesn’t even recognize her at first. This was the first time she has seen him in over twenty years, although he doesn’t recall that so much time has passed by. He never thought about leaving this paradise, because everything here seems so…lovely.|
|Grandpa Stackhouse is played by Gary Cole BTW, who made a habit of spreading his awesomeness in a lot of different TV cameos over the past few years. I’m so glad we’re getting a whole season of him in True Blood!|
|Oh wait. Ten minutes later, he’s already dead. *lol*
(WTF SHOW, WORST USE OF A GARY COLE CAMEO EVER. YOU FAIL.)
|But I’m jumping ahead a little. It turns out that the faeries aren’t as perfect as they seem. In fact, they’re actually hideous troll-like creatures who have imprisoned all the other faeries in a place where time stands still. They’re also plotting to harvest human organs or some crazy diabolical shit.|
|The faeries are now trying to kill Sookie with their energy balls and terrible CGI, but one random fae decides to help her escape through a *magical* portal. Only humans who haven’t eaten the light fruits can go back though. Unfortunately for Grandpa Stackhouse, he fell into the portal anyway and died promptly afterwards.|
|Sookie goes home and has a good cry in the kitchen, because let’s face it – the grandpa who has gone missing for twenty years finally returned to her life…for all of ten minutes…before promptly dying right in front of her eyes. Yeah, that’s pretty messed up.|
|Jason Stackhouse, dressed in a stripperific cop uniform, is pretty emotional to see his sister again. Apparently, Sookie spent ten minutes at Faerie World, but she has been missing in the human world for over a year now. The whole town thought she was dead!|
|Bill is also really glad to see his Sookeh again, but she’s still pissed off that HE MANIPULATED HER TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM (*lol* what an awesome quote). Time skip or not, she’s not able to forgive him just yet.|
|Bumbling cop Andy also makes an appearance, but he gets angry at Sookie when she can’t provide him with an adequate explanation about her sudden disappearance. (The police all thought Bill had her killed or something.)
Andy: YOU OWE ME A PLAQUE!
|During the time skip, Andy also got addicted to vampire blood. Later in the episode, he would even harass Lafayette to supply him with some extra juice.|
|Speaking of Lafayette, his boyfriend Jesus keeps bringing him to these witch covens and cult meetings so that he’ll embrace his witchy side. Lafayette is reasonably hesitant to sit in a circle with the freak shows.|
|In particular, there’s this one crazy witch who takes her craft a little too seriously. She’s able to channel dead spirits, and even bring a bird back to life!|
|While we’re catching up with everyone else in the neighbourhood, Arlene finally has her demon spawn and she’s fully convinced this is an *evil* baby.|
|It doesn’t help that Mikey is already decapitating Barbie doll heads at such a young age. Like father, like son. Future serial killer in the making, anyone?|
|Tara, who was raped, tortured and nearly murdered multiple times last season, had relocated to New Orleans to start a new life as ‘Toni’. She’s working as a cage wrestler now, apparently.|
|Oh, and Tara/Toni also likes making out with chicks now, apparently? Um, okay? What’s the deal with the sudden sexuality change?|
|Tara hasn’t lost any of her sass, but it seems like she’s eager to leave behind her old life in Bon Temps. She doesn’t even care enough to visit or call Sookie after her return ;_;|
|Hey, remember how they spent all of last season trying to build Hoyt/Jessica as a lovey-dovey couple? Well yeah, it takes the writers about two minutes to completely annihilate this relationship. Having moved in together, Hoyt and Jessica are already fighting like a dysfunctional married couple who needs couples therapy.|
|To make up for their previous bickering, Hoyt takes Jessica to Fangtasia for a night out. Her slutty dancing draws the attention of a cute fangbanger, but she resists the throbbing urge to sink her fangs into his veins.|
|Pam doesn’t understand Jessica’s relationship with Hoyt. She does not think it’s natural for a vampire to be in a committed monogamous relationship with a human being, instead of hunting for new prey.|
|Jessica: I’m fine. Me and Hoyt, we moved in together.
Pam: That tree with the plaid shirt. It has a name?
|Twelve months later, the vampire community is still trying to do PR damage control after the Russell media massacre. Pam reluctantly got roped into doing a PSA and delivers her lines like every word out of her mouth is killing her soul (Soul? What soul?)
Anyway, Eric steps in and spares her the misery.
|Eric: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Eric Northman. I’m a tax-paying American and small business owner in the great state of Louisiana. I also happen to be a vampire. Now the past year, there has been a lot of inflammatory talk from politicians warning their constituents not to trust vampires. But think about it for a second. Who would you rather trust? A vampire or a politician?|
|Eric: The truth is vampires are as different from each other as humans are, because we were humans. And we ask only to be treated as such. We welcome you into our world as well. We’re always happy to serve humans here at Fangtasia. And I don’t mean for dinner.|
|Bill also does some politicking for the face of vampires, as he gives a few speeches and ribbon cutting around town.|
|Because guess what? He’s the new Vampire King of Louisiana and all the jazz! BOW DOWN BITCHES.|
|Everyone is happy to see Sookie again, except for Sam who’s acting kind of aggro because she made everyone worry about her for a year. He still offers her a job at the restaurant anyway.|
|Sam’s younger brother Tommy is still hanging around town after the time skip, and he’s now a reformed Jesus freak who hangs out with Hoyt’s mama.|
|Don’t worry Tommy fans. He’s still an annoying little shithead at the core. Let’s see how long this phony goody-two-shoes act lasts before his true colours emerge again.|
|While Sam is paying for Tommy’s physical therapy after shooting him in the leg, he’s also taking a casual anger management class on the side…|
|…which might actually be an orgy in disguise…|
|…but in reality, it is a cover-up for a shapeshifter meeting of awesome!!!|
|Jason remains the mayor of Panther Town, while his (ex?) girlfriend Crystal is MIA. He’s a lot more mature than the old Jason, and even seems to enjoy his newfound adult responsibilities.|
|Unfortunately for Jason, these dirty little panthers do not seem to be as welcoming towards him…|
|…because they *hit* him over the head with a shovel and then *lock* him in an empty freezer! WTF PANTHERS?|
|Well, for the first time in *seasons*, Sookie manages to make it through an entire True Blood episode as an INDEPENDENT woman without pining after a guy. But Eric pays her a special visit while she’s buck naked in the shower!|
|Sookie thinks this might be another vampire blood induced erotic dream, but Eric reassures her *salivates* that she is definitely not dreaming *licks lips*.|
|Since Jason sold the house during Sookie’s absence, she doesn’t technically live here anymore. And since Eric doesn’t do anything half-assed, he decides the best way to stalk Sookie is to buy this real estate property. This means, yeah, he can trespass Sookie’s house and walk into her showing *whenever* he likes.|
|Eric: Guess what, Sookie. I own your ass now MWHAHAHAHA.
And so ends the fourth season premiere of True Blood. I thought it was a decent episode, if not truly spectacular. The time skip was interesting, and it’s nice to catch up to everyone, but I think the next few episodes will be even more exciting as more events unravel. I give this premiere a solid B+.