|The episode begins with Lydia and Jackson arguing over which movie to rent for the night. All the boyfriends in the world raise a triumphant fist in the air when Jackson declares: “I am not watching The Notebook again!” And the guys are like “Amen, brother!” And I’m like “Girl, I watched that sappy movie YEARS ago and I’m still crying about it in my sleep.”|
|It was a lost battle from the start, and Jackson goes into the video store looking for a copy of The Notebook. He immediately detects there’s something wrong with the video store, especially when he finds a dead body on the floor!|
|And judging from the saliva coming out of the werewolf’s mouth, it looks like Jackson might be the after meal snack!|
|With his body trapped under a video shelf, it seems like this is the end of Jackson as the wolf prepares to rip his throat out.
In an interesting twist, the wolf identifies the scratch marks on Jackson’s neck, which were left behind by Derek in the last episode. These marks apparently (?) signify Jackson is off-limits, so the wolf backs off and leaves the boy alive!
|Lydia, who was too busy playing with her mobile phone all this time, doesn’t even notice that her boyfriend almost got killed tonight. She only senses something is wrong when the werewolf JUMPS OUT THE FUCKING STORE WINDOW and dashes away from the crime scene.|
|You know how some people go through a traumatic event and then resolve to be a much nicer person afterwards? Well, that is definitely not the case with Jackson, who lashes out at the police for being incompetent and tells “minimum wage rent-a-cop” Papa Stiles to FUCK OFF.|
|There’s a large crowd of people outside the video store, and not one single person notices that Derek and Scott are just ~CHILLIN’~ on the rooftop. They don’t understand why this mysterious werewolf is killing humans, since their kind is normally able to restrain their predatory instincts.|
|Derek needs Scott’s help to locate the serial killing alpha wolf, but Scott has no time for these silly distractions because he’s FAILING CHEMISTRY and he needs to DO HIS HOMEWORK. Derek tells him to stop whining like a little bitch, and he better pull his shit together or else the alpha wolf will kill him.
He then breaks Scott’s arm and puts him through agonizing pain (though it heals quickly), just to demonstrate that pain makes him human, but we know he only did it because Derek is a dick. *lol*
|To make up for the horribly awkward CONDOMGATE the other night, Kate gives her niece a valuable family heirloom (a necklace) for her birthday present. Allison is like OOH SHINY STUFF and immediately forgives her aunt for being an overprotective hard ass bitch!|
|Allison hates celebrating her birthday because she’s actually 17 years old, which makes her one year older than the other students in her grade. She’s ashamed that she had to repeat a grade because her family moves around so much.
In the past, the other kids teased her for failing school, being stupid, and even getting pregnant because of her age. That’s why Allison doesn’t enjoy her birthday, but Scott is determined to ~*rock her world*~ today.
|Jackson returns to school after the attack, though his chemistry teacher is ~*worried*~ about his well-being. By the way, this teacher gives off an incredibly evil vibe whenever he’s on screen and is TOTALLY the Professor Quirrell of the Teen Wolf series.|
|Stiles tries to pry some gossip about what happened at the video store. Lydia stayed home to heal emotionally, while Jackson is so traumatized that he wouldn’t even tell his best friend Danny about what happened that night.
Stiles is also curious whether Danny finds him attractive or not, because what’s the point of having a gay character on the show if we can’t constantly make references to his sexuality, amirite?
|Scott convinces Allison to play hookie on her birthday so that the two of them can spend some quality time together.
So just to recap: Scott refuses to learn werewolf ninjutsu with Derek because he’s too busy doing homework, yet he’s willing to cut class so he can fuck around with Allison? Sounds fair enough. (By the way, maybe it isn’t the best idea to skip class on the day of your parent-teacher conference, where you’re failing most of your classes, Scott.)
|WHOA WHOA WHOA, TIME FOR YOUR WEEKLY DOSE OF TEEN WOLF FANSERVICE.
As we all know, Teen Wolf has no shame in whoring out their male characters and making them do the most ridiculous shirtless scenes whenever possible. Like I said before, the show knows its audience. *lol*
|The context of this scene is that Derek decides to pay Jackson a little visit…in the locker room…while he’s dressed in a skimpy little towel. I’m trying my best to refrain from pointing out the obvious homoerotic elephant in the room, but Jackson’s PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME GENTLY, SIR expression isn’t helping much.|
|What follows is an aggressive scuffle where Derek pins Jackson’s naked wet body against the locker (heyo! I swear I’m not reporting the facts sensationally).
Derek has come to ask about the alpha wolf, but Jackson insists that he didn’t see anything at the video store. Derek also examines the wounds on Jackson’s neck (which might have saved his life earlier), and remarks that he should get those injuries checked out.
|I can’t decide if this scene between Scott and Allison is kinda cute or sickeningly cheesy (maybe both?) so I’ll let you be the judge.
Scott: A totally hot girl asked me to skip the day with her, like I wouldn’t say no.
|Allison: What if I did this? *kisses Scott*
Scott: *grins* I’d scream for help.
Allison: And if I did this? *kisses him again*
Scott: I’d beg for mercy.
I know I should be rolling my eyes at this juvenile exchange, but I find Scott and Allison kinda sweet. They’re very natural with each other, and their teenage romance hasn’t been worn out to death yet.
|In contrast, they’re totally trying to make Stiles/Lydia happen and ugh this dynamic just isn’t working for me, sorry.
Stiles makes a house visit to Lydia, even though she has no idea who he is. Lydia is drugged up on medication though and barely speaks any sense. When she drapes an arm over his leg for support, Stiles kind of creams his pants!
|As if it’s not inappropriate enough that he’s in bed with an unconscious girl, Stiles swipes Lydia’s cell phone and starts going through her personal messages! Surprisingly, he finds a video that Lydia recorded on the night of the attack, which captured a still frame image of the werewolf!|
|Kate is under direct commands not to kill Derek Hale, but it doesn’t stop her from making a house visit anyway. She lures him out with provocative remarks like “Too bad your sister bit it before she had her first litter!” and “Too bad she howled like a bitch when we cut her in half!”|
|Kate knocks down Derek on his ass with some blue-energy technological gizmo. She acts like a sadistic, psychotic bitch who gets off torturing him, and saying awful lines like THIS ONE GREW UP IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES. My personal favourite is I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO KILL IT OR LICK IT.|
|The writers didn’t know how to write any more cheesy conversations between Scott and Allison, so they went FUCK IT, LAZY WRITING FTW. They churned out a musical montage of the two teens smiling, kissing, and spending their afternoon happily together.|
|It’s like if I “wrote” the rest of this recap and just showed you a bunch of pictures without any accompanying words!|
|*imagine loud annoying music blaring in the background*
Okay, okay. I kid, I kid. ;)
|Meanwhile, Stiles deletes the video so the truth will stay concealed and the world will never find out about werewolves.|
|We get a ~*kinky*~ exchange between Kate and Derek, as she physically tortures him and then fucks with his head. She tells Derek that they weren’t the ones who killed his sister – it was the alpha. The hunters are also trying to find this big bad wolf, but unfortunately Derek doesn’t know who he is either.|
|Derek manages to escape from his captivity. We get a very Twilight scene as he runs through the woods, across the sunset landscape, in a tight pair of jeans. I think the atmosphere was supposed to be emotional, but the actor playing Derek can only emote this :-( reaction.|
|Papa Stiles investigates the surveillance footage and observes that the “animal” at the video store can walk on two feet! He consults the veterinarian for assistance, but this shady motherfucker acts quite evasively and wouldn’t answer any questions. His suspicious behaviour makes you go *hmm*.|
|That evening, Allison thanks Scott for giving her the best birthday ever. They flirt a little in the car, but then Scott suddenly remembers he has to attend a parent-teacher conference tonight! He has terrible grades, so missing this mandatory meeting will reflect very poorly on him.|
|The parent-teacher conference meeting is by far my favourite part of this episode. We get a glimpse of each teen character’s family dynamics, and watch how the teacher’s feedback actually reflects the teenager’s current predicament. In short, these characters are all quite emotionally wrecked one way or another.
For Jackson, the teacher says: “Jackson is a highly motivated student. In fact, I’d describe him as unusually driven.”
|We learn that Jackson is an adopted child who has never met his biological parents, which might contribute to his overachieving nature and the desire to make someone proud.
The teacher adds: “Something certainly seems to have recalibrated his desire for achievement several notches higher. Not to be too blunt about it, but he seems almost obsessed.”
|At Lydia’s meeting, her divorced parents are squabbling so much that the teacher can barely edge in a word. They naturally assume her daughter is doing poorly in school.
Instead, the teacher says: “I wasn’t aware that there was a problem. Academically, Lydia is one of the finest students I ever have. Her A.P. class has pushed her GPA to above a 5.0. I’d actually like to have her IQ tested.”
|We watch Lydia wipe away her tears in front of a mirror. In the next shot, she’s putting on make-up and masking her emotions, as if nothing traumatic has happened to her.
The teacher’s voiceover continues: “Socially, she displays outstanding leadership qualities. I mean, she’s a real leader.”
|Stiles’ frazzled teacher and lacrosse team captain was confused about his student’s full name.
Teacher: I thought Stiles was his last name?
|The show never discloses Stiles’ real first name, but the teacher made it seem so horrible that it is LITERALLY ~*unspeakable*~.
Anyway, here is the teacher’s feedback: “Stiles, great kid, ZERO ability to focus. Super smart, never takes advantage of his talents. For his final question of his midterm exam, he detailed the entire history of the male circumcision.”
Poor Stiles, even his conference is comic relief.
|Scott didn’t show up for his parent-teacher conference after all, so the teacher took this chance to talk trash about him AND his mom’s parental skills.
Teacher: Lately, Scott’s mind has been somewhere else, as is his body. Personally, I think it may have something to do with his home situation. Specifically, the lack of a male authority figure…
|You can tell Scott’s mom was majorly offended by the teacher’s comment and want to SASS THE HELL out of him, but the teacher senses her hostility and quickly changes the topic. *lol*
The teacher adds: “He’s going through some difficult changes. He just needs a little extra attention, a guiding hand through this crucial stage of his development.”
|Allison’s conference starts off nicely, and the teacher describes her as a “sweet” girl who’s incredibly “well-adjusted” despite all the moving around. However, the teacher warns the parents to beware of her rebelliousness. Papa and Mama Argent are like NO WORRIES, OUR DAUGHTER IS AN ABSOLUTE ANGEL. And the passive aggressive teacher goes O RLY? IS THAT WHY SHE DIDN’T SHOW UP AT SCHOOL TODAY?|
|Papa Argent is obviously pissed off and his attitude turns worse once he runs into Scott’s mother. They have a heated confrontation outside. He accuses her son of being a bad influence, who also kidnapped his daughter for the day.|
|Allison and Scott arrive to an unwelcoming reception from their angry parents, but before Mama Scott could lash out at her irresponsible son, they all hear a piercing scream in the parking lot!!!|
|There’s an animal growling noisily in the dark, which freaks out everyone at the school parking lot. Papa Stiles tries to stop the situation, but ends up getting hit by a car and was like *epicfail*|
|In the end, it was Papa Argent who whips out a gun, fires the killing gunshot, and saves the day. Crisis averted.|
|But what they killed wasn’t a werewolf. It was an…errr, actually, I have no idea what the fuck this animal creature thingy is. I guess it could be a mountain lion?|
|Papa Scott: *polishes gun* BTW Scott, I hear that you kidnapped my daughter and convinced her to skip school with you…
Scott: …please don’t shoot me? *wets pants*