|Allison’s aunt comes to town; Scott has family dinner with Allison’s family.|
|The episode begins with a SWF (single white female) driving happily to an upbeat radio song in the middle of the night. If you watched enough crime procedurals or horror movies, you will know this bitch is gonna DIE, DIE, DIE before the title tag even appears. This scene certainly builds up in this fashion, as the SWF scoffs at the reported animal attacks around town. It doesn’t take long before she meets destiny’s end herself…|
|But fuck no, this is not a formulaic episode of CSI! This is Teen Wolf baby, and our SWF refuses to go down as the victim of the week. As soon as she’s under attack, the SWF pulls out a FUCKING BAZOOKA out of her ass, thus effectively reversing the roles of prey and predator!|
|Meet Kate Ardent, the beloved aunt of our teenage love interest Allison. Sex: Female. Age: Undisclosed. Occupation: Badass|
|Not merely satisfied that she stayed alive from a werewolf attack, Kate proactively hunts down the wolf herself! She secures the target, takes aim, and fires her best shot!|
|Unfortunately, our tortured werewolf Derek was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. ;_;|
|I guess being a werewolf doesn’t make you any smarter, because Scott just flunked a school test (while his dweeby best friend Stiles aced it). Coincidentally, Scott and Allison are meeting up to “study” together later today.|
|Stiles is like BAMF SUMONE IS GONNA SCORE THIS AFTERNOON, but Scott insists this is a chaste and innocent tutoring session.
Scott: We’re just studying.
|A badly injured Derek roams the school hallways, looking for Scott. He runs into Jackson instead, who’s like HEY DRUGGIE, STOP SELLING STEROIDS TO SCOTT DERP DERP DERP. And Derek quickly shows the mouthy twerp who the motherfucking boss is around here!|
|Derek got a little *too* aggressive and almost scratched out a neck artery. Jackson just gawks at his bloodied hand in horror.|
|Elsewhere in the school hallways, Lydia hears about the private tutoring session and is all like GEDDIT GURL!!! She preaches *safety first* to Allison and tells her to bring a condom. Allison thinks it’s a bit too early to have sex after just one date, but Lydia is like ‘SCUSE ME, IT IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY AS MTV’s STEREOTYPICAL TEENAGE CHARACTERS TO BE AS SEXUALLY ACTIVE AS POSSIBLE.|
|We get a hilarious moment where Derek eavesdrops into the girls’ conversation and seems absolutely fixated on their sex talk.
(I know he’s prying into their conversation to find out Scott’s whereabouts, but the way he’s listening so intently makes him seem like a big nosy pervert. *lol*)
|Succumbing to his injuries, Derek is all like *DRAMATIC COLLAPSE* in the parking lot right in front of Scott and Stiles. Derek orders Scott to help him retrieve a remedy from the Ardent family, while Stiles drives him away to safety.|
|Scott truly is dense as hell, because he believes he’s going to get any actual studying done in a girl’s bedroom with the door shut.
Allison: So Scott, let me show you around. This is my room. This is my bed. And this is my vadge.
|Things get hot and heavy between the two teens for 15 seconds, but then Scott made this =O face when he’s about to transform.
Allison: What’s wrong?
|Scott’s excuse is that he doesn’t want to pressure Allison into doing the nasty, but she’s all like I AM NYMPHO, GIVE ME SEX, SATISFY MY INSATIABLE TEENAGE HORMONES. However, Scott was cockblocked by an untimely phone call from Stiles.|
|While his best friend is about to get laid, Stiles has to nurse a dying werewolf in his truck. He’s getting fed up with Derek’s presence and threatens to kick him out of the truck.
Derek: Start the car or I’ll rip your throat out with my teeth.
|Scott and Allison end up going through some of the childhood belongings in her bedroom. Allison used to be a failed aspiring photographer, failed aspiring painter, and a failed aspiring poet.|
|Scott acts like a dick because he goes WOW YOU SUCK AT A LOT OF STUFF *lol*, but there is one thing Allison is good at (and will undoubtedly be a plot point later in the series): Archery!|
|Allison’s family sells firearms to law enforcement for a living. By now, you probably realize that the Ardents are a little more intense than the average family. You’d think someone with Scott’s condition would learn to stay away from the girl who has multiple giant red flags. However, our Scotty likes to live on the edge, and he is enchanted by her willingness to put out. He obviously has no sense of danger as he starts kissing her on the gun cabinet.|
|Papa Ardent walks in on them making out, which is kind of a massive mood killer. He breaks up the sex education tutoring sesh and sends Scott home.|
|Kate thinks her older brother is overreacting (“Really? They were making out in the garage, not shooting amateur porn”) and even invites Scott for dinner at their house!|
|Allison’s gun nut, ultra-conservative father begins to interrogate Scott with hardball questions during dinner. DO YOU DRINK BEER SCOTT? ARE YOU SMOKING POT? I HOPE YOU ARE STILL A VIRGIN BECAUSE I HAVE A GARAGE FULL OF SHOTGUNS.
And Kate’s like “WHOA CHILL OUT BROTHUH, my lack of shoulder pads means I’m loose, fun, and relaxed WOOOO!”
|The family dinner isn’t going well at all. Allison changes the topic to what a wonderful lacrosse player Scott is, but the stern Papa Argent remains rather unimpressed. This leaves Allison frustrated, because she wants her boyfriend to create a good impression on her hard-to-please family.|
|Scott might be a dumbass, but he’s still a sweet kid with well-meaning intentions. So he holds onto Allison’s hand to calm her down, and then uses humour to defuse the tension in the room. This actually seems to impress Allison’s family, and there was finally laughter around the dinner table for the first time. Well-played, Scott!|
|Derek is DYYYYYING and the only way he can be saved is if Scott steals a magic bullet from the Ardent household. This seems like a nearly impossible task, or as Scott puts it: “How am I supposed to find one bullet!? They have a million! This house is like the frickin’ Wal-Mart of guns!”|
|Derek: If you steal the magic bullet and give it to me at the end of this episode, I’ll treat you to a nice long scene of my shirtless torso ;)
Viewers: FIND THE FRICKIN’ BULLET SCOTT YOU IMBECILE!!!
|Scott’s search for the magic bullet immediately triggers an alarm in the house, so he plays stupid and pretends to be looking for the bathroom. Kate is suspicious, but directs him to the one in the guest bedroom anyway.|
|As luck would have it, all of Kate’s belongings are in the guest bedroom! Scott takes advantage of this extremely fortunate opportunity to find the magic bullet.|
|Oh Scott, go ahead and take one! I’m sure she won’t notice that one of her meticulously organized bullets has gone missing from her bag!|
|Scott tries to find out what kind of bullets these are with an online translator tool, which gives him the nonsensical response of “Nordic blue monkshood” LOLOLOL NEVER STOP FAILING SUCKY ONLINE TRANSLATORS!!!|
|Papa Argent continues to make pleasant dinner conversation such as “SCOTT, WHAT ARE YOUR VIEWS ON VICIOUS RABID DOGS THAT ATTACK PEOPLE?” and “DON’T YOU AGREE THAT WEREWOLVES SHOULD BE KILLED ON SIGHT?”|
|Scott manages to survive the night, and Allison apologizes for putting him through the worst family dinner ever. Scott decides to turn this into an awkward moment by stating that “No, I’m pretty sure the dinner where my parents got a divorce was worse” but they share a kiss anyway under her father’s watchful eye.|
|Just before Scott dashes out the front door in one piece, Kate stops him in his tracks. She finds out that her bag has been opened and accuses him of stealing something from her. Scott lies through his teeth and denies everything, but Kate still doesn’t believe him so she suggests STRIP SEARCH TIME!!!|
|Before that happens, Allison confesses she was the one who took something from her aunt’s bag…|
|And she shamelessly pulls out a condom in front of everyone, leaving Scott flabbergasted, Kate embarrassed, and Papa Argent might have burst a few blood veins or so.
Allison: MTV MADE ME DO IT!
|Feeling like the luckiest man in the world on so many levels, Scott leaves the house with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.|
|At the pet clinic, Derek’s pecs tell us that the infection will spread to his body and kill him, so Stiles needs to cut off his arm before that happens!|
|Derek is all CUT MY ARM OFF BITCH, and Stiles is like NO THX, NOT A BIG FAN OF DISMEMBERING BODY PARTS, and Derek snaps at him DO IT OR I WILL DISMEMBER YOUR HEAD, and Stiles is like WHY ME??? ;_;|
|Just before Stiles could cut off Derek’s arm and give us an awesome scene, Scott arrives at this exact moment and stops him just in time: “OUR SHOW DOESN’T HAVE THE MAKE-UP OR SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET FOR YOU TO CUT OFF A MAIN CHARACTER’S ARM, SO ACCEPT THIS DEUX EX MACHINA INSTEAD.”|
|But it was too late, and Derek does another *DRAMATIC COLLAPSE* before he could heal himself with the magic bullet. So, Stiles gives him a good ol’ punch in the face to wake him up.|
|What follows is a bizarre scene where Derek bites the bullet and uses its contents to heal his arm. Blue smoke comes out of the bullet, there’s a lot of grunting, and no explanation is given as to what the fuck he’s doing. The show assumes that the average viewer will just focus on Derek’s flawless Adonis body and ask no questions about the plot. And you know what, they’re absolutely right.|
|ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PLOT? NO I DIDN’T THINK SO.|
|The reward for saving Derek’s life is his BACKSTORY. He brings Scott to a nursing facility, where Derek’s uncle is currently in a comatose state. He was the only survivor of the fire that killed most of the Hale bloodline. Derek is convinced that the Ardent family started the fire, and they were ruthless in eradicating all the werewolves even if it meant killing innocent people as well.|
|Scott: *insensitive* Well, I’m sure they have a good reason for starting a fire that killed your entire family…
Derek: U SRS DUDE?
|This is what the Ardent family has done. This is what they are capable of doing to hurt werewolves. And this is what Allison will do to Scott if he continues his relationship with her.|
|Meanwhile, Allison has caught her family members lying on several occasions. She’s starting to suspect that they aren’t telling her the truth about their late night activities.|
|And Kate’s like: ENOUGH CHIT-CHAT. LET’S KILL SOME MORE WEREWOLVES! *psychobitchmode*|