Season 1, Episode 11 – Formality, Teen Wolf Recap

Scott tries to protect Allison at the school dance; Derek gets emotionally tortured by Kate.

Last week on Teen Wolf…oh, who the fuck cares! Just look at that screenshot right there! JUST LOOK AT THAT ARMPIT PORN. The show has reached a point where we have to exploit Derek’s body by each individual part, starting from the hairy armpits and hopefully moving downwards to the navel & pelvic area in future episodes.

At the end of the season, I’m pretty sure every Teen Wolf viewer will have a diploma in the study of Tyler Hoechlin’s body.

Allison is ~blindsided~ by the revelation that her nutjob family hunts werewolves for sport. When Allison said she wanted to learn self-defence, I think she meant carrying a can of pepper spray or taking a few lessons in taekwondo, so finding out about this dark family secret was definitely a ~shocker~.

Allison has a good girly cry afterwards, but then realizes that she really has no good reason to be upset. There are worse things in life than discovering you’re the daughter of a badass werewolf hunter. Allison quickly pulls her shit together and embraces her newfound power.

This is what Derek Hale would look like if he had Botox!

The veterinarian nurses a heavily injured Scott back to optimal health. He’s apparently one of the good guys, but uh…let’s just say his medical treatment is very *hands-on* and almost borderline *something else*.

Scott: Gurl, my body is not a genie lamp! You ain’t gonna get three wishes even if you keep rubbing yo hands all over mah chest!
Vet: But your skin is sooooo smooth! It makes me wanna leave a permanent handprint on your pecs.

Peter Hale tracks down Scott at the animal clinic. According to the Werewolf Law on this show, they’re weak against a special type of wood made by Mountain Ash trees. Therefore, the vet and Scott are protected within their wooden fortress.

The alpha is like IMMA BREAK A CHAIR DIRECTLY AT YOU TO EXPRESS MAH RAGE, while the vet is like “Dear god, I hope the insurance in my acting contract covers this safety and injury clause.”

Melissa McCall must be really desperate. She calls Peter in hopes of scoring a second date, but leaves a very embarrassing message on his answering machine.

Melissa: It’s me, Melissa McCall, giving you a call. Heh heh, that’s funny because I used a bad pun. Anyway, I was wondering if you’re interested in eating dinner together. Or maybe you’d like to eat something else off my body, eh? I just want an excuse to see you again, because I’m kinda scraping the bottom of the barrel at my age, and oh…OH GAWD. I WANNA GET LAID ONCE MORE BEFORE I HIT 50. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK!? *starts crying*

In her torture dungeon, Kate wants to find out the real identity of the Alpha. Her prisoner is keeping tight-lipped out of spite. So Kate responds with, “You don’t wanna talk? OK, I believe we’ve a solution for that. IT’S SEXUAL INTERROGATION TIME!”

The scene gets pretty kinky when Kate starts licking Derek’s abs!!!

As her tongue slides up his six-pack, put it on the record that I am officially jealous of this bitch. I wanna trade places with her!

Then again, I’m also jealous of those handcuffs, the balance beams, and that weird white patch of wires connected to his body. I wanna trade places with them too!

JUST LOOK AT THIS ARMPIT PORN. LOOK AT THE WAY HIS ARMPITS ARE FLAWLESSLY SHAPED. I WANNA REACH MY HAND OUT AND COMB THROUGH HIS ARMPIT HAIR. I BET IT FEELS AS WARM AND COZY AS PETTING A UNICORN’S MANE.

If it seems like Kate has a sick kinky obsession with Derek, now we know there’s some history behind their pent-up sexual tension. The two of them used to be in a romantic relationship together, or so he thought anyway. Young Derek didn’t know he was boning one of the deadliest werewolf hunters until it was too late. Hooking up with Kate led to the fire that killed nearly his entire family.

Derek is like, “I’m feeling so emotionally wounded and vulnerable right now. Oh, how I wish someone is there to comfort me by caressing my manly armpits!”

Coach: McCall, you’re failing my class and two others. They told me to cut you from the team. I told them I’d sooner cut off my last remaining testicle than cut my best player.

Since Scott is such a big dumbass, he isn’t allowed to go to the school dance. Coach Cupcake threatens bodily violence upon Scott if he catches him attending the event.

Scott is worried about Allison’s safety at the dance. He enlists the help of Jackson as a human bodyguard. Except Jackson is like nothx, since he only flirted with her to mess with Scott’s head. The two teenagers bicker back and forth about this, but Jackson still doesn’t want to commit himself as Allison’s date.

Just when nothing can top the ridiculousness of Jackson’s “I’M A PORSCHE” insult last episode, he’s the gift that keeps on giving. This week, he gives us a sassy comeback that reveals quite a bit about his ~sexual fantasies~.

Jackson: *directed at Scott* Screw you. *points at Stiles* You know what? Screw you too. In fact, screw each other. *cocks eyebrow suggestively* Please?

Sadly, the only screwing that happens is Teen Wolf screwing the viewers’ heads with all the homoerotic teasing. In the end, Jackson doesn’t agree to help out because he’s worried about his own safety, just as Stiles had predicted.

Stiles: Well, I shouldn’t say I told you so…because it’s not strong enough. How about I’m always right and you should listen to whatever I have to say and never disagree ever, EVER for the sake of your wolflihood?

In Scott’s defence, he tried to ask nicely at first. He really did try…

…but sometimes, bullying is just much more effective than diplomacy!

After getting his ass kicked, Jackson comes running straight to Allison with his scared little tail tucked in between his legs. He’s taking her to the dance after all against his will.

Allison: OK Lydia. I’ll forgive you for making out with my ex-boyfriend, but only under the condition that you pair up with Stiles at the dance. Initially, you’ll be turned off by his dorky behaviour because he doesn’t match up to your perception of social standards. But then, you’ll be pleasantly surprised that the guy you’ve ignored all along has a ~heart of gold~ and he makes you happy in ways that a popular boy never could. See? That’s my intention for putting you two together!

Lydia: …or you’re just a vengeful bitch. There’s always that.

Wipe off that bitchface, Lydia! Don’t even pretend that Stiles isn’t completely adorkable!

Peter comes out of nowhere and suddenly volunteers to be Allison’s personal shopper / fashion stylist. After calling her a pasty white bitch and acting all kinds of inappropriateness around her, Allison escapes the creepy encounter thanks to Scott’s meddling. Peter warns him that he can’t keep rescuing his loved ones every single time.

Scott confesses he’s so madly in love with Allison that there aren’t any other girls in the world except for her. Mama McCall encourages her son to tap dat ass, and teaches him how to flatter his girlfriend with insincere words.

Melissa: I’m going to let you in a secret that most guys don’t even have a clue about. Right? You ready? Women love words. You need to tell her how you feel. Just say it. Say it again. Say it differently. Learn how to say it better. Learn how to sing it. Just write it in a poem or a letter and attach it with flowers. Carve it in a tree and on a sidewalk with cement. Tattoo it on your arm. Just tell her the truth. Tell her anything and everything you want.

PART-EH TIME! Guess who’s still a big creeper?

Jackson’s idea of having a good time at the party is getting himself drunk around a few gay dudes. By the way, is this guy supposed to be Danny’s date? Because he looks old enough to be Danny’s chaperone!

Allison didn’t get the memo that Jackson is no longer interested in her, but she detects his hostility soon enough.

Allison: Thanks for coming to the dance with me! Even if we’re just friends, I really appreciate it!
Jackson: UGH.
Allison: We’re gonna have so much fun!
Jackson: UGH UGH UGH! *rolls eyes* UGH! *checks watch* UGH! *big gulp of alcohol* UGH UGH UGH!

Allison: So…you wanna dance with me?
Jackson: Oh heffa, stop trying so hard. I don’t go for ~*basic*~ bitches like you. I’m more of a Hugo Boss man. And you? You don’t even deserve a brand name. You’re like the garbage bag where they put the leftover clothing after an outlet sale.

Meanwhile, Lydia doesn’t want to be seen on the dance floor with Stiles. She’s like, “Dance? Together? With you? Pass! No way! Over my dead body! I’d rather sit in this chair and speak in my squeaky voice as I come up with different ways to reject you.”

Stiles: Lydia, get up! You’re going to dance with me! I don’t care that you made out with my best friend for some weird power thing, I dunno. Lydia, I’ve had a crush on you since the third grade. And I know somewhere in that cold lifeless exterior, there’s an actual human soul!

Okay, well…it’s certainly not a pick-up line that you hear a lot, so you have to give him some credit for creativity.

Stiles: And I’m also pretty sure that I’m the only one who knows how smart you are, uh-huh. And once you’re done pretending being a nitwit, you’ll eventually go off and write you some insane mathematical theorem that wins you the Nobel Prize.
Lydia: There’s no Nobel Prize for mathematics. The Fields Medal is the one I’ll be winning.

Strangely enough, giving her a small compliment laced with many insults seemed to do the trick. Lydia is impressed by his little speech and agrees to dance with Stiles…mostly out of pity, but a pity dance is still a dance!

PANIC AT THE DISCO!!! Scott manages to sneak into the school dance. However, he gets busted by his coach who’s gonna kick him out!

So, Scott thinks fast on his feet. He uses Danny as a way to get out of trouble. Scott drapes his arms over Danny’s shoulders, acting as if the two of them have been slow dancing until the coach interrupted them in front of everyone!

And Scott is like, “Do you have a problem, sir? Forbidding perfectly behaved gay teenagers from their high school dances is so ~2010~, but prejudice and bigotry have never ever been ~in~. By the way, did you know we can now get married in New York? We’re also legal in Canada and Iceland. HOORAY FOR GAY PRIDE.”

After causing such a public stir, it’s impossible to kick Scott out of the dance now. The humiliated coach is forced to back off and leave his star player alone. Poor Danny is probably thinking to himself, “First Stiles and now Scott. Why am I such a magnet for all these annoying straight guys?”

At last, Scott and Allison are ~*happily reunited*~ as they share an intimate dance with each other.

However, Scott is like “Sorry bb, as much as you try to smack your nose against my cheek, I still sensed more chemistry between Danny and me tbh.”

Meanwhile, the drunken Jackson spills the beans about everything and throws Scott under the bus! Papa Argent promises to “take care” of the teenage werewolf after learning his real identity.

For a girl who’s supposed to be a super genius, Lydia acts stupidly when she runs outside all by herself, even though the school campus is notoriously dangerous in the past several months. She’s looking for Jackson, but ends up encountering a big bad wolf instead…

HOLY CLOSE-UP OF FAKE PHOTOSHOPPED TEETH, WOLVERINE! It’s like the show doesn’t even bother doing a passable job in their graphics department anymore. You can practically see the pixels around his mouth. *lol*

Peter is like COME TO MY MOUF MISSY and Lydia is like *dies*.

Stiles is relieved that Lydia still has a pulse, but Peter threatens to finish her off unless he reveals Derek’s current whereabouts. Stiles has no fucking clue, but he thinks that they can track down Derek using the GPS coordinates on his cell phone. Either that or they can just follow the trail of armpits fetishists lining up outside Kate’s S&M torture dungeon.

Why must Scott and Allison insist on using school buses as a romantic backdrop? I’m sorry, but there’s NOTHING SEXY ABOUT YELLOW SCHOOL BUSES! Not that Allison’s libido cares about her location at the moment. She’s so ready to pop her boyfriend’s cherry and sex it up on the bus.

BAM! Papa Argent cockblocks his daughter yet again, but this time he’s determined to end their relationship for good.

That’s because as far as Papa Argent is concerned, Scott McCall’s life is about to end tonight!!!

Allison watches in horror as her dad tries to run over Scott with the car…

…Scott jumps for his dear life at the most critical moment…

…but he loses restraint and reveals his transformation in the process!

Allison: *permanent :-O expression*

(Hopefully, Allison will be able to close her dropped jaw before the season finale next week!)

16 Responses

  1. Default avatar Charlotte August 10th, 2011 / Wednesday

    I was disappointed to see the whole Kate/Derek relationship thing because it was so expected. Why couldn't she JUST be a crazy bitch?
    Anyways, I about died laughing reading your recap.
    I must agree, the armpits were the main star of this episode. Put them in a room with Stiles, and we will see who the real scene stealer is. ;)

    Keep up the hilarity.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      Yeah, they've gone the predictable route between Kate/Derek, but I guess it's the easiest way to explain all the backstory before the finale. Kate was more awesome when she was torturing Derek just for the lulz. I also feel like she didn't get rough with him enough, although the abs tasting scene was a bit omgkinky~

  2. Default avatar Anonymous August 10th, 2011 / Wednesday

    This episode was easily my favorite of this season and your recap made it even better!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      I really liked this episode too. Every time I think Teen Wolf reached its peak, the next episode surpasses my expectation. Thank you for commenting! :)

  3. Default avatar Lan Avis August 10th, 2011 / Wednesday

    Was waiting for this since I saw the episode! And yes they really don't even bother to use good CGI anymore. But the blatant homoeroticism and fanservice more than makes up for it. Plus, Allison needs to calm down! Is it just me or is the major one who keeps trying to jump Scott's bone and not the other way around?

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      The CGI actually scared me in a different way because of how bad it was. It kind of look like the entrance to a haunted mansion ride in an amusement park, you know? They should have just made him wear prop fangs or something.

  4. Default avatar Anonymous August 12th, 2011 / Friday

    Loved the recap, but why does no-one react to the fact that Derek would've been 14 – 15 years old when he had sex with Kate? Or, if we listen to Stiles who said the Hale house burned down 10 years ago, Derek would've been 10 -11(!)
    Kate's not only a psycho arsonist bitch, she's a child molester as well.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      Yikes. That would be icky. D:

      I guess an argument can be made if Derek is older than he looks – maybe 26 or 27…and I guess Kate could pass for the verge of 28 years old. That would make them at an acceptable high school age ten years ago, and still sorta fit in with the show's timeline.

      I wouldn't be surprised if Kate is a child molester though. She's collecting human indecencies like badges on a scout's uniform.

  5. Default avatar Anonymous August 14th, 2011 / Sunday

    Please send your resume to MTV and get a job writing for this show! ~ Your recaps are brilliant. I watch the show wondering if you are laughing at the same things I am – when not scratching and sniffing Derek's porn pits on my flatscreen.

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 4th, 2012 / Saturday

      Thank you! If I had my way with this show, not a single shirt will have the misfortune of meeting Derek Hale's body.

  6. Default avatar Anonymous February 11th, 2012 / Saturday

    LOL it looks like Peter's floating in midair in the scene with the vet! Anywho, you're awesome!

    • Default avatar Recap Everything February 12th, 2012 / Sunday

      That IS weird. I've never noticed it in the screenshot before! O_O

  7. Default avatar Candi February 16th, 2013 / Saturday

    Actually, if you read the teen wolf book, Derek was in his sophmore or junior year. He was a swimmer and Kate took on the job as lifeguard to get close to him. She took him home, got him drunk and spiked his drink with wolfsbane, had sex with him, and then used him. It mentions that she was inapropriatly older than Derek, who was 16. Derek currently on the show is supposed to be 24, said in season 2 and in the book.

    • Default avatar Anon July 28th, 2013 / Sunday

      WAIT WHAT THERE’S A BOOK OMG

  8. Default avatar Anon July 28th, 2013 / Sunday

    I was watching the episode online, and it FROZE. Apparently slapping the computer screen doesn’t help or something (whatever) so I am so glad I found this. Thanks for posting! I love how you go over pretty much all the scenes so I don’t miss any details! And I was like drooling all over my keyboard during the Derek part.

  9. Default avatar Anonymous April 17th, 2016 / Sunday

    Who writes these recaps omg theyre so funny

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