|Meet Scott, an ordinary high school student until he got bit by a werewolf one fateful evening.|
|Vampires & zombies are invading our television shows left and right, so why leave the werewolves out of all the fun? MTV introduces a new summer guilty pleasure to our televisions called ‘Teen Wolf’. I’ve watched exactly one episode of this shitfest and I can already tell you this cult favourite show is going to be a CHEESY CLASSIC (the best kind of TV, really).|
|Scott McCall is our shirtless protagonist, played by the totally legal Tyler Posey (who kind of looks like the poor man’s version of Taylor Lautner). Anyway, Scott begins the show as an ordinary teenager but this state doesn’t last long…|
|Our story begins with a late night conversation between Scott and his awesome best friend Stiles, who (for no reason given) decides to hang upside down from the roof!|
|Stiles got intel from his dad that the police found *half* of a dead girl’s body in the forest. Being adventurous and reckless teenage boys, the two friends decide to investigate the crime scene.
Stiles: Two joggers found a dead body in the woods.
|One thing you need to know about ‘Teen Wolf’ is that this isn’t an earth-shattering, award-winning, unique and original TV program. The show does compensate for its shortcomings by being extremely (and perhaps intentionally) homoerotic, which I think is necessary for a campy summer show like this.|
|Stiles gets caught and taken home by his dad, thus leaving his friend Scott in the woods all by himself.|
|Here’s something you don’t see every night: RANDOM DEER RAMPAGE! The deer show up out of nowhere and knock Scott back on his ass!|
|Scott loses his asthma inhaler during the random deer assault, but guess what he finds on the ground instead!|
|And then all of a sudden, a shadowy creature leaps onto Scott and takes a big hungry bite out of him! Scott manages to escape by running for his life, but not necessarily unscathed.|
|Scott shows off his bite marks to Stiles the next day. He thinks a wolf bit him, but Stiles assures him that there haven’t been any wolves in California for the past 60 years.|
|It’s the first day of school and Scott is just going through the motions until he hears a cell phone RINGING VERY LOUDLY. No one in the classroom seems to react to the noise though…|
|…until Scott realizes that he’s listening to a girl’s phone conversation OUTSIDE of the classroom. Whoa, how trippy!|
|The girl turns out to be the new transfer student/Scott’s love interest, Allison. Scott impresses her right away by lending her a pen…even though she didn’t ask for one!|
|True to the laws of high school, gorgeous people flock together. Allison is immediately welcomed into Lydia’s popular clique. She also has smoking hot boyfriend, Jackson, who is the lacrosse team captain. The two of them invite Allison to a party this Friday, although she tries to brush it off with an excuse.|
|At the lacrosse team tryouts, Scott does surprisingly well by catching every shot that comes his way. Everyone, including Allison and Lydia, is impressed with his quick reflexes. That is everyone – except for team captain Jackson.|
|Scott confides in Stiles about his recent extraordinary abilities, such as the oversensitive hearing and his quick reflexes. Stiles jokes that Scott might be infected with lycanthropy, but neither of guys take this seriously as an option.|
|While looking for Scott’s inhaler, the two teenage boys are ambushed by a dark and ominous Goth who tells them to GTFO from private property. Stiles freaks out because this guy is Derek Hale, whose whole family died in a freak fire ten years ago. What’s he doing back here anyway?|
|Later that night, Scott discovers other strange symptoms with his body. Remember that big bite mark he got last night? It’s completely healed now!|
|Scott works at a part time pet clinic during night. He encounters an overemotional Allison, who’s freaking out after running over a dog.|
|The dog is naturally very frightened, but Scott gets it to calm down with his *voodoo* powers!|
|Scott: Hey Allison, I have an extra shirt in my bag.
Allison: No, I don’t wanna trouble you…
Scott: Don’t be silly. You should take off that wet shirt so you don’t catch a cold.
Allison: But I’m not wearing a bra…
Scott: OMFG TAKE IT OFF NOW OR YOU’LL DIE OF PNEUMONIA!!!!!
|Wow Scott, why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer!|
|Even the dog is like *lmao* AIN’T SOMEONE A VOYEURISTIC PERVERT?|
|Scott and Allison have a nice bonding moment in the pet clinic, so he asks her out to go to Lydia’s party with him. Allison admits that she totally lied to Lydia about family night on Friday, but she’ll go to the party with him anyway!|
|We get a pretty bizarre scene of Scott lying in bed, as soft music plays in the background, while he smiles in pure ecstasy. His hand is out of frame the entire time. Um, okay. I’m trying to keep my mind out of the gutter, but this scene pretty much writes itself.|
|And then BAM, he wakes up in the middle of the forest. He’s supposed to be sleepwalking, but we all know the real reason for this scene is to show off more gratuitous shirtlessness from the protagonist.|
|Lacrosse team captain Jackson confronts Scott in the school hallways, and accuses him of taking steroids to enhance his performance.
Jackson: Where are you getting your juice!?
|OH MY GAWD, ARE THEY GOING TO START MAKING OUT? Y/Y?|
|During the lacrosse team tryouts, Scott starts doing backflips, somersaults and pirouettes on the field while making everyone else look like fools. His coach enthusiastically tells Scott that he made the team!|
|After observing his friend’s amazing performance on the field, Stiles strongly suspects that Scott was bitten by a werewolf. Scott doesn’t buy into the bullshit theory and thinks Stiles is trying to sabotage his success.|
|Scott gets pissed off at Stiles’ paranoia and almost threatens to punch his friend in the face!|
|I *swear* I can’t be the only fangrrrl imagining this, but I thought Stiles got a little turned on by this physical alternation to be honest.|
|AWESOME MOM ALERT: Before Scott goes to the party, his mom warns him not to get no girl pregnant, mmmkay? Because she *refuses* to be on some reality television show with a pregnant sixteen-year-old!|
|Scott and Allison start mindlessly grinding against each other in the party, and all is going well between the two lovebirds.|
|Lydia also starts making sex eyes at Scott, because she’s a greedy bitch and can’t appreciate the hunk of man meat that’s sucking on her neck right now!|
|But then things start to get trippy, because Scott feels an intense amount of pain rushing through his body. He leaves Allison by herself and runs out of the house, while driving away without even a goodbye. RUDE!|
|While Scott runs off, Derek steps in to take his place. He introduces himself to Allison as “a friend of Scott’s”.|
|Scott manages to make it back into his bedroom (where’s his nosy mom?) and he immediately sees a full moon out the window! Uh oh!|
|As Scott grows sharp claws and even sharper fangs, he behaves rather appropriately in this situation: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME!?!?!?!?|
|Stiles wants to help Scott during his crisis, but Scott warns him there’s an even bigger emergency at hand. He deducts that Derek is the one who bit him, and he’s probably the one who killed that girl in the woods too. This might be a lot of trouble, because Derek had offered Allison a ride home.|
|But it’s too late, because Scott already transformed into this hideous half-human/half-werewolf creature thingy!|
|Derek comes out of fucking nowhere and starts wrestling with Scott. He tells Scott that his girlfriend is safe, but he needs to start running because the forest is not safe for either of them!|
|Scott has no idea what he’s babbling on about *until* he’s chased down by a bunch of hunters!|
|Derek manages to rescue Scott from the hunters, but one of them looks pretty damn determined this wouldn’t be their last encounter in the forest!|
|Scott starts bitching about how being a werewolf is a *curse*, but Derek tells him to STFU because having super hearing, super reflexes and super healing powers is pretty damn awesome. Whether he likes it or not, Scott will need Derek’s help to adapt being a werewolf.|
|Stiles comes to pick up Scott the next morning.
Scott: You know what actually worries me the most?
|Scott apologizes and manages to get a second chance from Allison. It seems like the episode is going to end on an optimistic note until he turns around…|
|…and Scott sees that Allison’s dad is the same hunter who tried to kill his ass last night!|
|Allison: Hey Scotty-pie, have you met my daddy!?|
|And so ends the first of (hopefully) many ‘Teen Wolf’ episodes. This isn’t a spectacular show by any means, but it’s just so cheesy and campy and homoerotic and has all the makings of a fun cult classic. At the very least, it’s an enjoyable summer guilty pleasure.|