It’s a game changing episode of Shadowhunters as characters fall left and right after Valentine infiltrated the institute and turned the shadowhunters against one another. You’re dead! You’re dead too! Oops I didn’t mean to kill you, but you’re dead anyway! WHO SHALL SURVIVE THE SHADOWHUNTAH MASSACRE???
Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that the rules on incest aren’t clear enough, so we need to establish some boundaries. Jace, you cannot, cannot, CANNOT have romantic feelings for your biological sister. Once the two of you came out of the same vagina, it’s an automatic red light signal for life. That means no physical intimacy. No kissing. No touching. No longing gazes. No sexual urges. No dirty thoughts. And absolutely NO BONERS.
Do you love Clary the way a brother loves his sister?
Clary: What can I do to help? Please tell me, I’ll do anything!
Jace: You can stay away from me. There is no together for you and me, Clary. There never can be.
Wow, Clary throws out all inhibitions and is literally offering SEXUAL FAVOURS on the table. I’ll do anything, even butt stuff! Yet, Jace still turns her down anyway. If he wanted to do butt stuff with a sibling, he’d go to Alec first kthx.
Jace: I am Valentine’s weapon. He knows that you’re my weakness.
I enjoyed the refreshing lack of Clary x Jace scenes this season…until now. Oh, we were doing so well with our Clace cleanse. Easily the worst part of the show is their overwrought romantic drama that nobody cares about. You know your relationship is bad when even INCEST can’t make a storyline interesting, nuff said.
Jace: Why can’t you understand!? You being near me and reminding me every second of every day what I want, but I can’t have!
I know this is just a dream, but there gotta be some deep Freudian dream analysis that explains these words are his real thoughts. Why does Jace speak as if he was describing a piece of chocolate cake? I want that last slice of cake, but I can’t have it! JACE, YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR SISTER, YOU CAN’T WANT HER *OR* HAVE HER.
Hodge finally grew a conscience during his lifetime imprisonment and realized he should’ve never given the cup to Valentine. Thanks to you, the blood of countless downworlders and innocent mundanes are now on your hands! Erm, or just one of your hands, considering Jace sliced off the other in last season’s finale. *lolpwnt*
Would it kill them to install a few ceiling lights? Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb for a reason. Please let there be light so that the viewers can see!
Aldertree: You have a great love for your sister, don’t you?
Jace: Leave Clary out of this!
Aldertree: You two were involved in a romantic relationship. Is that true?
Jace: I wanna exercise my fifth amendment rights.
The best part about these probing questions is how they have ZERO RELEVANCE to the case, but Aldertree only asked them because he’s such an evil and sadistic troll. I’m gonna get you to confess to being a sisterfucker while under oath, bwahaha! *lol*
Jace: I’ve tried to fight it…
Aldertree: A simple yes or no. Do you love Clary the way a brother loves his sister?
Jace: No… It’s more than that.
LMAO. Aldertree is savage as fuck. I may not like his methods, but I gotta respect his style. The way he hounded Jace into a snivelling tearful confession was an epic masterpiece, and this could possibly be his character’s crowning moment of awesome. BTW, if I have to hear the phrase “the way a brother loves his sister” one more time, my soul might DIE completely on the inside.
Aldertree: Final question. Can you pledge your unconditional loyalty to the Clave?
The other questions were just pointless filler, because the whole trial was decided by that one final question in which you cannot have 0.0001% doubt even under extraordinary circumstances or else you’ve committed high treason! Before Jace could ask “But what if…”, Aldertree jumped on him going like “omfg i said unconditional so u just gave ur admission of guilt”. THE DEFENDANT IS FOUND GUILTY OF ALL CHARGES. *slams judge’s gavel*
After such a gross display of corruption and injustice, Jace tries to take his own life with the lie detector sword, but is stopped by Aldertree and the prison guards who won’t give him the merciful reprieve of death. Why let him die when it’s much more sadistic to keep the guy imprisoned for the next fifty years and watch him get tortured by erotic wet nightmares about fucking-then-killing his own sister every single day?
Magnus: How is Jace?
Alec: He won’t be gone long. Once his hand touches the Soul Sword, the truth will come out and prove that he has never been on Valentine’s side.
Alec is under the naïve assumption that we live in a just world where the truth will come out and Jace would be a free man. In reality, Aldertree can put an innocent man behind bars for life simply because he answered one question incorrectly. *lolwtf*
Alec: All for trying to save my life. Jace may have been the one who pulled me out, but I did feel you there. And it did make a difference, so thank you.
Magnus: Thank you for not dying on me.
Thank goodness Alec calmed down after the last few episodes and went back to being a sweet, attentive boyfriend again. While I enjoyed watching an increasingly unhinged Alec stomping around and sassing everyone, I still prefer this sweetie pie who’s awkwardly navigating through his first romance. Whenever he acts coy and shyly mumbles his lines to Magnus, that’s when I find his character the most appealing.
Magnus: Go on that first date we never had?
Alec: Right! Yes!
Magnus: I know a place in SoHo…or we can portal to Marrakesh. You hungry?
You guys should look at me now, I have both hands clasped around my cheeks trying not to giggle at all the cuteness. I dunno what I enjoyed more, Alec trying to ask his bf on a first date or Magnus’ wittle face beaming with delight when he realizes what is happening. Watching two adult men play out a middle school romance shouldn’t be this adorable, but it strangely is.
Aldertree burns Raphael’s junk off
Aldertree: Fourteen mundanes drained. Three of them children.
Raphael: Camille at work. She always had a thing for kids. It has nothing to do with my clan.
OMFG. #disturbed I get why Aldertree wants to stop the massacres, but it doesn’t give him the right to accuse Raphael simply cuz he’s the closest vampire in proximity. Why blame Gilnda the Good Witch for the evildoings just because the Wicked Witch of the West has gone into hiding?
Aldertree: Something new from the Clave R&D department to convince our vampire friends to cooperate.
I love that Aldertree invented a hidden device which only works through a series of improbable coincidences, requiring his victim to sit down in a specific body position. The chair has less than a 5% chance of working properly, yet it still managed to trick Raphael. *lol*
The beam missed hitting Rapahel’s jock, just barely. This might be the one time to feel thankful that you don’t have a well-endowed manhood, or else you’d be missing *just the tip*.
Aldertree: We’re aware of our restrictions on torture. We call this motivation.
Oh my god, I’m dying @ what an evil POS Aldertree is. Dude, you literally invented a torture device just to torture the poor guy. No matter how much you try to spin it, what you’re doing is the very definition of torture. Calling it ‘motivation’ is like calling Guantanamo Bay a self-discovery retreat with life coaches and meditation classes.
Lawful Good: Luke
Neutral Good: Clary
Chaotic Good: Jace
Lawful Neutral: Raphael
True Neutral: Dot
Chaotic Neutral: Jocelyn
Lawful Evil: Aldertree
Neutral Evil: Valentine
Chaotic Evil: Camille
What do you guys think? Other than the fact that I’m a huge nerd that is lol.
Raphael: I had nowhere else to go…
Magnus: Oh Ra-vi-elle! My poor boy, everything is gonna be alright. I’m going to take care of you.
Don’t worry, Ravielle! Magnus will patch you right up! Our first order of business is to give you a facial. I guarantee your botched face will be as smooth as a baby’s bottom after you put on a couple of Sephora face masks!
Raphael: He’s looking for Camille…
Magnus: And punishing me at the same time.
I love that Magnus is such a fierce mama bear who takes all these lost and confused vampire misfits under his wing. He reminds me of Miss Peregrine running a home for peculiar children. Beautiful souls like Magnus have always been so inspirational to me and I think he deserves an award for his humanitarian efforts. And btw, his relationship with Raphael is too sweet. I love the two of them are so close that Magnus refers to him as a ‘son’. Imagine if Raphael returns the favour and starts addressing Magnus as ‘papa’, that would be goals lol.
The sad and sometimes suicidal history of Magnus Bane
Raphael: So, you’ll help me deliver Camille to the Clave?
Magnus: *sighs* Rarfield…
Rarfield? Who dat? I’m loving Magnus’ utter inability to pronounce Raphael’s name correctly for some reason. What seems to be the problem? It’s a three-syllable name, not a tongue twister.
Raphael: Aldertree did this to me because of you!
Simon: Yeah, you look like crap! Bring it on, scarface! *shoves*
Simon behaved very out-of-character in this scene, provoking Raphael and even starting a fight with him. I know Simon got pushed around many times in the past, but it was still a bitch move when he shoved Raphael’s chest after his opponent went through a gruelling day of torture. It was kinda like pushing over a sick kid on crutches. Not cool, dude!
Luckily, that random box just happens to contain Camille’s grave dirt, which can be used to summon her from anywhere. Wait, you mean Simon could’ve found her two episodes ago and saved Raphael from being unnecessarily tortured, yet he didn’t disclose this discovery until now? Any explanations, Simon? Umm… erm… lolno. Simon is like that student who finishes the school project and then forgets to hand in his work to the teacher.
Simon: If you’re feeling guilty about handing her over to the Clave, I can show you phone shots of the den she created. It’s messed up. Plus, she killed me too. So, there’s that.
I can understand why Simon wouldn’t be Camille’s biggest fan. Here’s proof that she’s an evil bitch: *points to self*
OMG. I wished I was alive back in the early 1870s just to give Magnus a big hug. My poor baby and his past suicidal tendencies! If only they had Twitter two centuries ago so that the Shadowhunters fans can tweet #ItGetsBetter at him. There’re so many people who love you, Magnus! DON’T JUMP!!!
As soon as they’re gone, Magnus implements his *real* plan by having a one-on-one chat with Camille. He simply snaps his fingers, summoning her on the spot, and locks her up in a cage when she got caught off-guard. His actions are so effortless that it’s almost hilarious how he takes no precautions with her. Three seconds later and one of the deadliest vampires known to mankind had already been captured by him. Fear the power of Magnus Bane, bitchez!
Magnus: You crossed the line. I won’t let Ralphyal suffer for your bad deeds. You’ve sired hundreds of vampires. Your children. But as a warlock, I can have none. The downworlders I take under my wing, they’re my children. My family. I’m sorry, Camille. I’ll do whatever it takes to protect him.
Yas kween! Magnus is the fiercest mama bear out of all the mama bears in the animal kingdom! His parental love for Raphael is incredible! However, I gotta laugh at Camille’s insinuation about Magnus and his boy toys. Between Simon and Raphael, why do the children that Magnus take under his wing always seem to be the hot twinks? *lol*
Camille: The fear of loneliness has always been your Achilles’ heel. You don’t do well losing those you love, do you? I’m the only one you can count on to be here for you forever. You know that. That’s why you love me. And you always will. Choose me.
Camille thinks the two of them are eternal soulmates like Brangelina circa 2006. In reality, they’re like Brangelina circa 2016 with the words “IT’S OVER” plastered on the covers of In Touch Weekly.
Yeah, the revelation that Camille fed on children was just too dark and too predatory for my faint heart. After learning what she did, I wished Aldertree got his hands on her, because for once I would’ve agreed with his sadistic methods. Hey Camille, why don’t you sit down on this chair and place your hands right here… because I’m gonna burn you like I burn carbs on an elliptical!
Hey Lydia, you in danger girl!
Clary: Wait… You want me on your team!?
Oh my god, this gotta be one of the saddest lines I’ve ever heard Clary say. She’s like the sad lonely kid who never gets picked to play on a dodgeball team, only to be overjoyed when someone finally takes pity on her this one time. You actually want me on your team! Somebody really, really wants me on their team! *tears up*
HEY FRAY!!! Here’s a line that Alec thought sounded better in his head, but then he said it out loud, and it sounded even MORE ICONIC than he could’ve ever imagined. “Hey, Fray!” is like the Shadowhunters equivalent of calling out “Hey, bro!” or “Hey, gurl!”. It’s smooth, it’s effortless, it rolls off your tongue. I implore all the fans to greet each other in this manner from now on. Hey Fray, watch the newest episode yet!?
1.) Heat temperature! Alec drew a rune on Clary’s hand, giving her the power to identify demons based on their thermal temperature. How it works is that if you see a cluster of colours near the Burger King and no colours surrounding the KFC, you go to the latter place because the line is shorter there.
2.) Classic possession hangover! Valentine’s latest scheme is to use demonic spirits to infiltrate somebody, take over their minds, and make them forget what they did afterwards. During the twenty seconds when you thought you had a brain fart, Valentine actually controlled you to go on a mass killing spree! Oops @ you unknowingly slaughtering hundreds of innocent lives!
Clary: *looks at corpse* Classic possession hangover.
I love how Clary spoke with so much wisdom and authority even though she just learned about that new terminology five minutes ago. *lol* Does she even know what it means? Or is she just showing off about that fancy fun fact she learned in her shadowhunter classes today?
SIMPLE TRANSLATION: Security breached. Demon inside. YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!
Raj: Wow, that guy’s heart is obliterated! And I thought I was having a rough weekend.
Lydia: Show some respect for the dead! Y’know, you might want to cut back on the smartass after getting manhandled by a warlock.
Raj is awful for sure, but don’t you think the others are so mean to him even when he’s on his best behaviour? His character feels like Jerry from Parks and Recreation. He solely exists as a punching bag in the office, where everybody shouts hilarious verbal abuse towards him for no reason at all.
Lydia: *rolls eyes* Day just keeps getting better.
Lydia doesn’t try to hide her contempt around Raj, making it clear that she thinks he’s a piece of dog shit stuck on the bottom of her shoe. Why does she hate him so much? I mean, Lydia is perfectly civil with Alec, who left her at the altar lol, but Raj is somehow her sworn nemesis and she has a lifelong grudge against a character who only existed five seconds ago.
Lydia: If you’re trying to make up for your incompetence, don’t bother.
I don’t need an explanation to why Lydia is so bitchy towards him. All I know is that I friggin’ enjoy watching her emasculate whiny punk ass bitches like Raj and put him in his place.
Lydia must be pretty butthurt over her recent demotion, which explains why she’s so desperately vying for power in any meaningless way she can get it. Aldertree might be the new boss, but Lydia is like the jealous understudy waiting anxiously backstage to take over his position at any moment. As soon as he’s gone, she nearly trips over herself running towards his throne. YAAAS I HAVE RECLAIMED MY KINGDOM AT LAST!!!
Raj: Wow, no wonder Alec ditched you for a warlock!
OH SNAP. For the record, I’m on Team Lydia all the way, but I’m secretly giggling into my hand because Raj’s low blow was savage as fuck. Poor Lydia will never get to live this one down, forever known as the humiliated bride whose wedding was upstaged by a gay pride demonstration.
Lydia: You want a piece of this!? Come and get it!!!
Lydia, gurrrrl! You know you should only taunt your opponent when you’re actually winning the fight, right? As a wise woman once said, you might wanna cut back on the smartass after getting manhandled by a demon.
I screamed again when Raj twisted Lydia’s arm so hard that you could hear her bones snapping. Almost like he’s cracking a turkey wishbone at Thanksgiving dinner… EXCEPT IT’S HER ARM.
Even though Alec might’ve been Lydia’s knight in shining armour, this doesn’t compensate for how much he has wronged her in the past. When you ditch your fiancée for a warlock on your goddamn wedding day, you automatically incur a lifetime of emotional debts towards her. As far as I’m concerned, Alec is gonna have to save Lydia’s life at least a dozen more times before he makes up for the whole wedding fiasco.
How I Killed Your Mother: an Alec Lightwood story
Hey Fray! Your momma is being deported! The shadowhunter higher-ups deem Jocelyn as too much of a hot mess, so they want her gone from the institute. She has been sent away to “Idris”, also known as the special mythical place in the sky that all the characters go when they’re being written off the show. Whenever somebody says they’re leaving for Idris, it’s basically code for “I won’t be on the show for a while, see you next season!”
Clary puts up a protest, shaking her fists and stomping her feet, how dare they take my mommy away from me! When Jocelyn suggests the two of them could move to Idris together, Clary changes her initial stance after remembering that she kinda can’t stand being around her mother 24/7. Erm, mom, let’s just keep in touch through Facebook and postcards. See ya!
Jocelyn: But you hate Idris. And what about your life here? Your work? The pack?
Luke: It’ll be hard to leave behind. But I’m a stubborn man, and I know what I want.
Your daughter might not love ya, but at least Luke does! Just to be clear, this guy was perfectly willing to quit his job, leave his home, and uproot his entire life in order to stay by her side. His dedication is kinda incredible because Luke didn’t even hesitate for a moment. When Jocelyn announces that she’s leaving for Idris out of the blue, his only concern is *ok lemme book two plane tickets so we can sit next to each other on the flight*. Jocelyn must’ve done a lot of good in her previous life to deserve a man like Luke, because his love for her is flawless.
Izzy: At least you have a mom who wants to be with you, who thinks you’re smart and wonderful. I’m not saying she hasn’t done some pretty screwed up things, but all moms do. So maybe you should be glad you have one who wants to try and make things right.
Clary was simply asking her friend for advice, but Izzy turned it into a *worst mother competition* and randomly dragged her own mom through the mud. While it’s true that Mama Fray might be marginally better than Mama Lightwood, let’s remember Clary’s father is an evil megalomaniac with a mission to destroy the universe, so I still think she wins the worst parent contest overall.
Izzy: Of course not. No one in Idris is gonna teach you how to fight in five-inch heels.
Is Izzy teaching classes on how to fight in five-inch heels? Because I wanna sign up! But first, she oughta hold a beginner’s class on how to walk in five-inch heels, followed by an intermediate class on how to walk up the stairs in five-inch heels, and then an advanced class on how to avoid getting sore feet in five-inch heels. In fact, she can design an entire college curriculum surrounding the complex study of wearing high heels.
Clary: Mom, there’s a part of me that wants to come with you, but I have to learn to stand on my own. And there are people here that I can’t leave.
O RLY? Are the people here more important than your own mother? How sad that you raised your daughter for 18 years, changing her poopy diapers numerous times, yet this ungrateful little twerp won’t stand by your side after you’ve been exiled by your community. Jace might have demon blood inside him, but Clary is the real cold-blooded monster in her family.
WTF!!! Seriously, what the fuck!? I can’t believe this bitch is dead! It took some guts to kill off Jocelyn, who was a pretty important supporting player with major connections to many of the characters. I keep thinking that they’ll find a way to bring her back to life, but I dunno… Nothing says *permanent death* more than a hole the size of a crater inside your chest.
Alec is still in shock from his classic possession hangover, trying his best to accept this new reality where he killed Jocelyn with his bare hands. I know he had some animosity and tension with Clary in the past, but surely there were other ways to resolve their differences without murdering her mother!?
I guess Clary must feel pretty shitty knowing that her last interaction with Mama Fray was essentially *GTFO MOM*. Now, the only way the two of them can visit Idris together is if Clary goes there with her mom in a coffin.
Clary: *raises hand* I HAVE A DEMON TO KILL.
I love how Clary was like *TALK 2 DA HAND* when Alec tried to apologize for murdering her mother. Considering what just happened, Clary has earned the right to sass him as much as she wants during this time period. Besides, I’m not sure how Alec plans on apologizing to the poor girl. Is there a Hallmark card for the special occasion after you accidentally killed somebody’s mother? For starters, Alec might need to purchase all the sympathy & condolence cards in every single Hallmark store across the nation just to make it up to Clary.
Jace attempts a prison break
Hodge: Grab his hand! The lock release on our cells can only be activated if he’s alive!
These are the weirdest and most unnecessary lock mechanisms, right? Hey shadowhunters, have you ever heard of a good old-fashioned key and lock?
Valentine: You think it was easy breaking in here to rescue you!? It took effort. I set up a demon attack on the institute as a diversion.
Aldertree: YOU DID WHAT!?!?
I love how Aldertree was so shocked to hear that Valentine wiped out half his crew during his absence. If there’s any consolation, at least he can deflect all the blame onto Lydia as usual. I put you in charge for five minutes and you got everyone killed! This is totally your fault, Lydia!
Valentine: *after Dot deflected Jace’s attacks* Thank you, Dorothea. At least someone here understands the meaning of the word loyalty.
What he meant to say was: “Thank you, Dorothea. Now you’re permitted to eat one meal per day instead of one meal every other day.” Only the loyal minions get to eat under Valentine’s tyranny!
Jace: Good, kill me like you killed my falcon. Prove what kind of father you really are. What are you waiting for? Do it!
Considering Jace also tried to stab himself a sword earlier, does anyone feel worried about his suicidal tendencies? It’s a cause for alarm the first time you try to kill yourself, which turns into an official crisis if you make a second attempt. Don’t do it, dude! Life is beautiful! Here’s the number to a suicide prevention hotline and let’s get you some help!
Demon Izzy is the FINAL BOSS!
It was kinda hilarious watching Demon Izzy grab Clary’s body and toss her aside like a raggedy doll. The poor girl got thrown all the way to the other side of the room and was instantly knocked unconscious. Welp, that was a big fail. Clary, I know you aren’t the strongest shadowhunter, but can you at least try a little harder and last longer than five seconds in a fight?
Izzy: Always the favourite child… I’m done living in your shadow!
Do it, Izzy! Kill him and you’ll become your parents’ favourite child, simply because you’re their only child left! Oh wait, I think there’s a third Lightwood sibling that never appears on screen, but I guess Izzy will just have to slay her other brother after she’s finished destroying this one!
It’s weird that Clary felt the need to do a HIGH JUMP when she could’ve simply walked towards Izzy and sneaked up behind her without being noticed. I think the only reason she jumped is because it looks more dramatic. *lol*
Wow, Clary won a fight? Sorry, I shouldn’t use the question mark, but I’m just kinda shocked that she kicked ass for once. That never happens on this show lol. Let’s give a round of applause to Clary. Our condolences about your mother’s death, but hey congratulations about winning your first fight! Whether Mama Fray is looking down from heaven or looking up from hell, she’s proud of you baby girl!
Who knew there was such an intense competition to comfort Clary during her time of need? Simon tackled Jace so hard and ran forward so quickly that you’d think he was gonna score the winning play in a football match. TOUCHDOWN! I JUST SCORED TOUCHDOWN WITH CLARY! I WON THE SUPER BOWL!!!
Simon might look like a harmless little dweeb on the outside, but don’t underestimate how ruthless and competitive he can get when it comes to winning Clary’s affections. He will shove Jace aside, walk straight past Izzy’s unconscious body without a glance, and even push over a frail old lady crossing the street if it can bring him closer to Clary. SIMON LEWIS IS IN IT TO WIN IT AND YOU BETTER NOT GET IN HIS WAY!!!
This scene is not only sad because of what happened to Clary’s mother, but also sad in the context that Jace still lusts after his sister like a pathetic pervert. Somebody should give him the official guidebook on incest because he clearly needs to be reminded about the rules again. Rule one, repeat after me Jace… NO MASTURBATING OVER YOUR SISTER.