Just think, we could’ve enjoyed an entire episode of shirtless Alec lying in bed with various close-up shots of his hairy chest. Alas, some bitch decided to be extra and covered him up: “oh golly gee, it’s getting chilly in here with the air conditioning, better put on a shirt!” as a million Shadowhunters fans scream with anguish. WHY! NOOO!! STOP!!! If only I was on set that day, I would’ve tackled the wardrobe manager to the ground and wrestled the bitch until I got hold of that goddamn shirt!
Alec & Jace: literally soulmates
Unfortunately, our sleeping beauty has fallen into an irreversible coma after the events of last episode. One moment, he was using a magical rock to travel through the fourth-dimensional world to find Jace’s whereabouts. Next moment, he experienced some sort of seismic orgasm over his parabatai, but with great orgasms come great consequences. Now, there’s a real possibility Alec climaxed to death and he may never regain consciousness ever again!
Wow, that sounds insane in the membrane. I don’t understand why anyone would sign up to become parabatais knowing the risks involved. The paratabai bond is the equivalent of some young loved-up couple getting a pair of matching tattoos of each other’s names on their ass cheeks, only to regret it when they look at their saggy bottoms in the mirror years later. The tattoo seemed like such a good idea at the time, but now you realize it’s the worst decision of your life.
Magnus: Parabatai bonds are like a tether that binds two souls. Jace and Alec share emotions, instincts, strength. It’s an angelic bond.
And here I thought “parabatai” was just a fancy terminology for describing the raw sexual chemistry between two best friends who have repressed lustful thoughts about each other. No, Recap Everything, you’re mistaken! It’s an angelic bond, not a homoerotic one! Ain’t nothing gay about holding your bro’s hand while expressing how much you love him, how much you think about him, and how much you can’t live without him.
Magnus: We may very well have the cure.
ZOMG ALEC AND JACE ARE LITERAL SOULMATES! You gotta laugh at the ridiculous melodrama where only Jace can rescue his lover’s life with a piece of his missing soul. I’m getting such a strong fanfic vibe from this storyline. The plot reminds me of something that I might read on Archive of Our Own, written by a fifteen-year-old fledgling teen author who just discovered slash fanfiction for the first time. In fact, the whole Shadowhunters series feels like a piece of bad fanfiction that came to life, which is probably why I enjoy the show so much. *lol*
Magnus: I think you’ve done enough. You were only trying to do what you always do, manipulate people into helping fix problems that you created. And now Alec is paying the price for it.
Magnus used a harsh tone, but I actually think he might be too soft on her considering how much Jocelyn is culpable for this whole mess. Keep in mind Alec wouldn’t be in critical condition right now if she hadn’t introduced that rock of death to him. Think of it this way, Alec = Snow White and Jocelyn = the evil witch who gave him the poisonous apple.
What happened next was almost comical because it occurred over the span of five seconds: a random jogger appeared, saw Jace kneeling over a dead body, freaked out & immediately called the cops because she witnessed a crime in progress! Hello 911? There’s a killer in front of me! You’d think Jace might want to clear up the misunderstanding and deny the murder accusations, but nope! He was like *g2g* without offering any explanations whatsoever. Running away from the crime scene in a frenzied panic is the surest way to prove my innocence!
If there’s any consolation, at least Jace got an awesome police sketch of himself outta his ordeal. One of the coolest perks to being a wanted criminal is definitely the fanart!
Aldertree: If you’re trying to protect your brother, lying to me is only gonna make it worse. I can guarantee Jace’s safety if you help me bring him in.
Clary: I would if I could…but I can’t help you what I don’t know. Dot must’ve wiped my memory.
Clary’s new strategy is to simply lie her ass off about everything. “What happened, girl?” I dunno! I don’t remember! I think I might have amnesia!
Clary: Yeah. But as soon as we hit the water, the tide was so strong, we lost each other. I looked everywhere, I couldn’t find him.
What I don’t understand is how Gretel’s body and Jace were found within inches of each other, yet Clary made it sound like she ended up on the opposite side of the Atlantic Ocean. I know there were a lot of tidal waves, but surely you were all travelling in a similar direction within proximity to each other? A more plausible theory is that Clary probably landed close to Jace, but only spent thirty seconds looking for him before giving up and going like *um yeah i’m gonna head home to take a hot shower first*.
After Dot made such heroic sacrifices in the last eppy, you’d expect Clary to feel indebted to her saviour. Like, I thought she was gonna rally all the shadowhunters together and lead a search party to rescue Dot. Instead, it was disturbing how Clary showed a complete lack of concern for her so-called “big sister”. No rescue missions, no emotional sentiments, no future plans to ensure Dot’s safety. As far as Clary was concerned, Dot could spend the rest of eternity rotting away in Valentine’s prison cell. Saving her friend’s life isn’t even on the list of priorities.
Izzy: Be there for your friend.
You know who else really needs your friendship right now? DOT IS CURRENTLY CHAINED AGAINST THE WALL CRYING OUT YOUR NAME. I could almost understand Clary being such a shitty friend if she had more urgent priorities at hand. Saving Alec or finding Jace might arguably take precedence over rescuing Dot. However, Clary spent most of this episode loitering in the streets with Simon to find his alcoholic mother, who was in no danger at all. Are you kidding me? This bitch won’t search for her actual friend, yet she’ll go around looking for Simon’s mommy? Yo Clary, I know you don’t value Dot’s life, but this is just INSULTING.
Come out of the coffin, Simon!
Clary: Maybe it’s worth telling her the truth.
Simon: Come out of the coffin!? Do you have any idea how she’d react?
Am I the only one who thinks the solution is so obvious? Simon should bite his mom and turn her into a vampire too. You don’t have to worry about coming out when she’s in the coffin right next to you!
Clary: Simon! Don’t forget this is the woman that put up with your endless band practices, your incurable hypochondria, who made you those gross mustard sandwiches when you refused to eat anything else. If she can accept you for all that, I’m pretty sure she can accept you for who you are.
Okay, does Simon care to explain that phase in his life where he refused to eat anything but mustard sandwiches? What a truly bizarre lifestyle choice. Was it a self-imposed diet, or did he just run out of ingredients in his house to make other sandwiches?
It’s kinda like baseball when the pitcher misses four times, as Simon slowly finds himself creeping onto first base through patience and perseverance. Now, the real question is how much longer does he have to wait before Clary finally kisses him on the lips? At the rate they’re going, we might see some hardcore hanky panky between them possibly in Season 25.
Raphael: Your mom will grow old while you stay the same, and eventually she’ll be gone. Sooner or later, even your memories of her will fade whether you want them to or not.
Simon: That won’t happen! Not to me!
Isn’t it reassuring to know that your mom’s alcoholism won’t matter when she dies and you outlive her and you won’t remember she existed after a century or two? Even if you’re feeling nostalgic three hundred years from now, your only memory of her will be *dat bitch with the drinking problem*.
Simon: If you spent the amount of time looking for Camille that you spend telling me to look for her, you’d probably have found her by now.
Raphael: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!
Raphael is acting more erratic than usual, but I can justify his behaviour with two words: BURNED JUNK. Raphael is obviously terrified that his nuts will get scorched if he loses his trial. Simon, you of all people should understand the gravity of his situation!
For the record, I don’t believe Simon reciprocates these feelings, but Raphael couldn’t make it any more obvious that he lusts after the little dweeb. I know my assessment of him is accurate. I can read a thirsty motherfucker when I see one because I *am* one.
It doesn’t help Saphael are often alone in some sort of dimly lit back alleyway, which only makes my imagination go wild with the possibilities. Every time they interact, I’m on the edge of my seat anticipating them to get physically intimate. Kiss, touch, grind, screw…I’m not picky, I don’t care what they do to each other in whatever motion or whichever direction that their desires take them.
Simon: I’m sorry, mom. My phone died. Among other things.
Mama Lewis made a new friend while her son was away. Turns out Raphael was one step ahead of Simon and already cozied up to his future mother-in-law. He even created a wild cover-up story where Simon is currently “on tour” with his band and Raphael roleplays as his “band manager”. Side note: the scenario where Simon and Raphael go touring together is the AU fanfic that needs to be written.
I’ve been saying Raphael is a secret softie deep down and this kinda confirms my suspicions about his character. I just hope that one day we’ll actually get to see this sweet & charming side he’s supposed to have lol.
Raphael: To your home? Well, that’s a lovely invitation.
All of a sudden, the background music INTENSIFIES because we’re supposed to worry that Simon’s mom invited a deadly vampire into her home. It’s implied that Raphael has the capacity to hurt her if Simon doesn’t obey his commands. But I dunno, I don’t really buy that he has sinister intentions. Is it naïve of me to think that Raphael genuinely wants to sit down with Elaine around the dining table and enjoy a nice homemade meal?
Simon: What the hell! You’re threatening my family!
Raphael: You’re threatening mine. The longer Camille is free, the more people she kills. My people.
Raphael wanted to scare Simon a little, but he wouldn’t hurt anyone. Even if he looks like the prince of darkness, I believe his character is one of the good guys! As long as you overlook all the death threats and the aggression and the bullying and the tormenting and… Okay, let’s stop here before I forget why I said he was good.
Simon: Trust me, he’s not. He sucks.
Y SO SALTY SIMON? It is my hope that one day he’ll make amends with Raphael, start seeing him in a romantic manner, and reciprocate the sucking on his knees. For the time being, Simon decides to move back home with his mom fearing her life might be in danger. To be honest, that’s what he should’ve done from the start, instead of living like a homeless hobo inside an industrial container. Sleeping in a comfy bed vs. sleeping in a crusty canoe, you’d think the choice should be obvious.
Meet Maia, your new worst enemy
The biggest challenge is finding a way for Alec and Jace to reunite. They’re supposed to meet at Magnus’ loft, but even arriving there safely is gonna be a pain in the ass. It doesn’t help that Jace is the target of multiple manhunts: the Clave wants him, Valentine’s army wants him, the police want him & the werewolves want him too. Never have I seen a more wanted criminal outlaw than Luffy from One Piece. When did Jace become so (un)popular and why does everyone want a slice of him!?
BITCH. FLIPPED. OUT. One moment, Maia was still exchanging pleasantries with Jace, la dee la. Next moment, she turned against him so fast and was braying for his blood, grrr grrr grrrrr! It was like somebody flicked a light switch on her character, which changed her personality upside down, going from cool & chill to cranky & crazy in a single flash.
Jace: Look, I don’t wanna hurt anyone, okay!?
Maia: Too bad! ‘Cause we do!
To make matters worse, Gretel’s goddamn godfather happened to be inside this exact same bar as well. Talk about wrong place, wrong time. Taito is one angry motherfucker with the distinction of being totally motherfucking crazy. He didn’t wait for the referee to blow the first whistle before lunging towards Jace, swinging both fists, and hammering his victim with his incredible HULK SMASH!
Maia: You can’t hide your scent, shadowhunter!!!
No matter where Jace tries to run or hide, Maia is always right there within striking distance to hound his ass. One of the disadvantages to having a werewolf opponent is that she can always sniff out your whereabouts. Every breath you take, every fart you make, Maia will be smelling you!
Um hello!? This random guy is running around the hospital and impersonating as a doctor? Can one of these background extras do their jobs and pretend to care a little?
NOPE. You should know that Maia Roberts is relentless, ruthless, and most of all, merciless. Once she corners Jace in a hospital hallway, we witness her bone-chilling transformation from human form into werewolf form. She was clawing off her skin, her body was bursting open, and you could actually hear her bones cracking during the transformation. Fucking hardcore, yo!
Jace: You have every reason to want me dead, but if you just let me explain, I…
Jace is given one last chance to beg for his life, but omfg can he stop being so diplomatic and cut to the chase? His best bet at survival is to yell out *I DIDN’T KILL GRETEL LEMME LIVE YOU CRAZY BITCH*. Not that it matters what Jace says anyway, since Maia is determined to go in for the kill. “If you just let me explain…” is gonna be some pretty unremarkable last words before he dies.
Jocelyn: Alec needs you. I’m here to help.
Jace: Like you did last time when you shot an arrow in my head? I love those maternal instincts, but I think I’ll pass.
lmao @ all the sass that he’s giving her. She just saved his life and he returned the favour with lots of snarky insults!
Jocelyn: I’m so sorry. What your father did to you. The choices I had to make.
Jace: Yeah, I guess we both drew the short straw. Life lesson, don’t fall in love with the devil.
Jocelyn: Just let me help you get back to Alec. Just let me do this one thing for my son.
Jace: Y’know, I made it this far on my own. I think I’ll keep it that way.
In the past two episodes, the vast majority of Jocelyn’s scenes have featured various characters hurling verbal abuse towards her. Can you believe we’re already on Ugly Confrontation #5, after Clary, Luke, Alec and Magnus have all given her a smackdown? Love her or hate her, this bitch brings in the drama!
Magnus gives Alec a true love’s kiss
Izzy: You’re just using Alec as bait to arrest Jace!
Aldertree: No, I’m working to capture the fugitive who put Alec in this position.
That’s exactly what Izzy said, but rephrased in a douchier manner. No matter how he tries to spin it, Aldertree is perfectly content to let Alec die if it’ll help him take down Jace. At least Alec & Jace can finally be reunited in the afterlife if Aldertree had his way and succeeded in killing them both.
Raj: I’m just following orders…
Izzy: SHUT UP RAJ!!
It’s funny because Raj only uttered one line since being introduced, but Izzy already told him to shut the fuck up. You spoke four words so far and that’s still four words too many. Stop depleting our oxygen, Raj!
Raj: I have direct orders. If you can’t help him, then you need to go.
Magnus: My magic is the only thing keeping Alec from completely slipping away. I won’t leave.
Raj: He’s clearly not waking up any time soon. So, you can leave now or I can remove you myself.
OMFG. How fucking dare you. Who is this little piece of shit and why does he think he’s allowed to talk back to Magnus!? Nobody cares what you have to say, Raj! Did you not hear Izzy earlier? SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Magnus: Oh hell no. *cast spell* DON’T COME FOR ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH.
Thank god Magnus showed him who’s boss and put this fucking twerp in his place. It was pretty awesome watching our badass warlock shoot some orange laser beam out of his middle finger. The laser attack silenced Raj immediately, knocking him down on his soggy butt. Damn right, nobody messes with Magnus Bane, especially not some douchey mouthbreather who talks out of his ass!
Magnus: I’ve tried everything… Except… *smooch*
LMAO. When Magnus planted a delicate little kiss on Alec’s lips, I laughed out loud so hard. I can’t believe he actually tried it! As ridiculous as it may sound, Magnus thinks he’s a fairytale prince and can lift Alec’s curse with the magic of true love’s kiss. It worked on Snow White! It worked on Sleeping Beauty! Hey, maybe it could work on Alec too! *kisses* Wake up, my dear! Your prince is here!
I hate to go there, but has anyone considered that Magnus’ kiss didn’t work because he isn’t Alec’s true love? Sorry bro, you’re not the predestined one. Now, imagine if it was Jace who gave him the kiss instead. The shock and delight would’ve been enough to jolt Alec wide awake. I bet you he’d snap out of his coma so fast before plunging into Jace’s lips again for even more kisses!
Alec and Jace have a gay wedding
During a flashback, we see the junior versions of Alec and Jace when they initially met. It was already love at first sight for these two kiddos. From the moment Jace Jr. flashed a smile at him, Alec Jr. was hopelessly smitten on the spot. “Hi, I’m Jace!” Oh, it’s very nice to meet you, my future husband!
Jace Jr.: It’s all about confidence. Once you believe you’re the best, you’ll be unstoppable.
Pfft. Easy for the kid who took drug injections since childbirth to say that they’re the very best. Now that we know Jace is only such a good shadowhunter because of his demon blood, is anybody less impressed with his capabilities? Jace is akin to an athlete who uses performance-enhancement drugs to win gold medals. Yeah, you’re the best, with a big fat asterisk mark next to your name.
From certain camera angles, I guess I can see the resemblance between all three of Alec’s actors. Teen Alec and Adult Alec don’t look that much alike though. Shadowhunters could’ve gotten away with using the adult actor to play the teenager in the flashbacks. As it stands now, it looks like Teen Alec had a massive growth spurt during puberty and grew into a brand new face.
Looking at Alec’s and Jace’s actors in the flashbacks, guess what I’m reminded of? The Sims. You know how the sims can grow into different life stages, right? Well, sometimes, the child sim grows up and looks nothing like the teen sim. And even the teen sim can look a little off when they transition into an adult sim. They might all have the same hair colour and skin colour, but that’s approximately where the similarities end.
Teen Jace: We make a great team!
Teen Alec: The best team!
Teen Jace: Once we get our parabatai runes, we’ll officially be brothers. Nothing can change that.
When Teen Jace said the dreaded B word, Teen Alec’s sad little face dropped instantly and you can hear his heart breaking into a million pieces. He might think of me as his bro, but I have so many unsavoury thoughts of bro-on-bro.
Teen Izzy: All these years of training and you’re just gonna call it off? Are you nuts!? Whatever happened between you two, why don’t you just kiss and make up?
I love that Teen Izzy (who looks NOTHING like the adult version lmao) was already a big Jalec stan at such a young age. Ironically, she was the one who convinced him to go through with the ceremony, not knowing that he’ll be on the brink of death due to his parabatai bond years later. Don’t encourage him, Izzy! You’re pushing your brother to his death!
Teen Alec: I hope you’re going somewhere with this.
Teen Izzy: But you’re also loyal and honest and a big old softie when you stop worrying about what people are thinking about you. One day, somebody is gonna love you, heart and soul.
First of all, that’s a really accurate assessment of Alec’s character, describing his strengths and weaknesses to a tee. Second of all, Izzy wins at sistering. OMG, those were some emotionally powerful words said by a gushing preteen. I need somebody to roleplay and deliver that exact same speech to me. The feels, the feels, the feels…
Teen Jace: Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee.
Teen Alec: For whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge.
Ah, it was such a beautiful gay wedding with our two grooms holding hands, gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes, and exchanging biblical vows about their unconditional love. I take thee to be my lawfully wedded parabatai, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, until death do us part! Congratulations, Alec and Jace are officially married!
As I celebrate Jalec’s nuptials, my heart pangs deeply for Magnus. Oh, our poor warlock has no idea that his budding romance with Alec is already doomed. He thought they were both single and unattached, but Magnus doesn’t know he was actually courting a married man. Alec pledged his soul to Jace a long time ago and nobody will be able to come between their parabatai marriage. Don’t cry Magnus, one day somebody is going to love you heart and soul, but that somebody is not gonna be Alec…
At last, Alec wakes up with true love’s…hug?
Jace: My brother is counting on me! You can kill me, just please let me get to him first!
Maia: …… *glares* …… *clicks tongue* …… I wish I could, but idgaf.
Does anybody else love Maia? Her vendetta might be misguided, but you gotta admire her ferocious tenacity and her steadfast refusal to show any mercy towards Jace. This bitch has fire burning in her eyes and ice running in her veins. What a badass, you go gurl!
Clary: STOP!!! Jace didn’t kill Gretel! It was Valentine! I’m telling you the truth, I swear!
Clary shows up outta nowhere just to make the most obvious statements ever. You guys are gonna be blown away by my truth bombs, but Jace is a good guy and Valentine is a bad guy! OMG! …and meanwhile, you know Maia must be wondering *who* the hell this random chick is and why she thinks her words have *any* impact whatsoever. A stranger tells me Jace is innocent, I gotta believe her!
Maia: Keep out of this, Luke!
Luke: I said… *flashes green eyes* STAND. DOWN.
Maia: *whimpers* …ok.
Maia doesn’t obey Luke’s orders at first, not until he puts on his green contact lenses and suddenly she’s like I SURRENDER TO MY MASTER LUKE. Wow, his green-eyed powers of persuasion were strangely effective. Who knew it’d be so easy to tame Maia with one cutting look? OMG, I’ll do whatever you say, just don’t gimme those scary green eyes!
Izzy had an impossible dilemma. She was in a situation where both her brothers could die at any given moment. If saving Alec’s life came at the expense of Jace’s freedom, then I think she made the right call and I don’t blame her for making a deal with the devil. Thanks to Izzy, her brother Alec now gets to live and her other brother Jace gets to live too… Live in prison, that is.
Sadly, Jace only used his mouth to recite his wedding vows to an unconscious Alec. He kneeled before his husband, clasping his hand and caressing his cheekbones. This might’ve been a romantic scene if it wasn’t for Clary & Magnus watching awkwardly in the background. We’re having a special Jalec moment here, but your presences are kinda ruining the vibe! Izzy can stay, but the other two non-Jalec fans need to leave the VIP area unless they got backstage passes!
If I had to identify a point in Shadowhunters where it’s possible for Alec & Jace to lock lips, this would be the perfect time. Emotions are high, desperation is in the air, I can see it happening. What makes it so special is that the Jalec opportunities don’t come very often, almost as rare as a blue moon in the sky. If Alec and Jace don’t kiss now, we might never get another chance again!
Clary: *bawling her eyes out* lol why is this bitch so emotional? Clary is crying even harder than Magnus or Izzy, which seems strange since she and Alec aren’t that close. Everyone else in the room has a relationship with him, but one of these things do not belong… and it’s you.
Magnus: *a single tear trickling down his cheek* Magnus had a more subdued reaction, but he still cried enough to mess up his eyeliner. Goddammit Alec, your death is ruining my makeup!
Izzy: *does not react* Izzy has a muted expression because she knows her brother is fine. Theory: Alec gained consciousness from the moment Jace entered the room, but he played dead to relish in Jace’s affections. Izzy knows Alec and can tell he’s totally faking it for the attention lol.
In fact, what if Alec was actually conscious for the entire episode? He has been playing everybody all along, only pretending to be asleep to steal kisses from Magnus and Jace, which worked on at least one of them. Best conspiracy theory ever, am I right?
Aldertree: Jace Wayland! You are hereby sentenced to the City of Bones to await trial for the charge of high treason and aiding Valentine in the war against the Clave.
Alec: Wait, what… What the hell is going on!?
Jace: It’s okay, Alec. All that matters is you’re back.
Bye bye forever, Jace! Hope you enjoy prison! At least Alec can visit you during your conjugal visits together, where the two of you can *hug* each other for as long as you want.