Season 2 Episode 2, Shadowhunters Recap, A Door Into the Dark

Season 2 Episode 2, Shadowhunters Recap, A Door Into the Dark
In this Shadowhunters episode: Clary has an identity crisis over how much she sucks, Jace has too many evil daddy issues, Simon has a deathmatch with a firebreathing snake, and Alec has a mindblowing orgasm over Jace.
A

Loved it!
The reason why Clary is such a messy bitch sometimes is because she inherited the trainwreck gene from her mother.

Don’t trust that evil demon baby, Jocelyn!
Simon serves as the referee between Clary and Jocelyn's fight.
Look at Jocelyn's evil baby! It got no soul!
OHNOES. Baby Jace made a few flowers wilt with his evil telekinetic powers!
Jocelyn might have overreacted a little bit to Baby Jace killing the flowers in her garden.
Jocelyn was so much more tolerable back when she was in a permanent vegetative state last season.
Simon is talking so much trash against Jace in front of Clary.
No matter what you do, don't image search for champagn enema with safesearch off.
Alec bullies Clary and makes her cry. *lol*
Clary provokes Alec and triggers the incredible hulk rage in him.
 Alec rips Clary a new one and tells her how much he hates the bitch during an epic smackdown.
How dare Clary say that she wants Jace as much as Alec does? Bitch you can never.
Stop trying to become friends with Alec, Clary. He'll never like you, bitch.
Clary keeps craving for Alec's acceptance no matter how much he makes it perfectly clear about his disdain for her.
Alec basically bullied Clary into tears.
Forget Jace or Simon, I am shipping Clary with Izzy.
The way to make Shadowhunters a better show is if they put all of their characters in a gay relationship.
I shall commit seppuku before I tell you where Jace is!
Aldertree blames Lydia for the failure of this institute even though she just got fired last episode.
After Lydia was fired as the head of the institute, it seems like she's now working as Aldertree's secretary.
How did Clary not notice that every shadowhunter was absent because they were attending this meeting?
Nobody wants Clary as a part of their final fantasy combat team.
Alec and Izzy are the only two shadowhunters who must go on the mission, because nobody else actually does any work around here.
Izzy kicks some meathead's ass, including a swift kick in his balls!
Izzy is kicking some ass, as per usual on this show.
Valentine's minion commits suicide before he's willing to betray his beloved master! I'd rather die than tell you anything!
Valentine's minion died for nothing and has already been replaced. RIP MINION.
Simon vs. Snake: Deathmatch of the Century
The werewolves are still hating on Simon just because he's a vampire.
Raphael is being branded as a vampire criminal after Simon snitched on him!
Raphael tells Simon that they're gonna burn off the vampires' body parts one by one, starting with their manhood.
There was so much undeniable sexual tension between Raphael and Simon.
Raphael's character is such a tsundere who acts hot and cold with Simon, but cares a lot more about him than he likes to admit.
Simon purchases Magnus' warlock powers with a lock of his vampire hair.
Simon is not good at teleporting and feels nauseated every time he goes through a portal.
Holla! Magnus and Simon are currently in India!
Magnus takes back all of the stolen possessions that Camille looted from him.
Magnus and Camille has an awesome portrait of them dressed in Indian clothes. The parrot is a nice touch.
Simon calls himself a scrappy little nerd.
Simon's worst fears include elevators, snakes, clowns, and Raphael trying to burn his junk off.
Simon touches Camille's golden snake statue and accidentally summons a deadly serpent!
Raphael might not burn Simon's junk off, but this firebreathing snake surely will! GURL U IN DANJA!?
 Simon fails to cast another encanto spell. Did he not activate the verification code to his vampire powers?
Simon is finally able to cast his first encanto spell and fend off the firebreathing snake.
Simon's jubiliant celebration after he encantoed the snake was so adorkable.
Magnus tells Simon the firebreathing snake is his present to Camille. Well, don't put me on your Christmas list then!
That randomly important stick might be a part of Magnus' backstory in a future episode.
Magnus agrees to mentor Simon and teach him about the Downworld. Hooray for my new brotp.
OHNOES! Clary is a runaway teen!
Clary runs away from home because none of the shadowhunters at the institute gives her attention.any
Clary randomly shows up in an art school and randomly draws pictures there without anybody trying to stop her.
Clary is having an identity crisis in this episode and can't decide if she wants to be a shadowhunter or a normal art student.
I don't understand why Luke is still putting up with Jocelyn and her needy daughter when he can do so much better than her?
Jocelyn knew where Clary was all along, but just decides to waste all this time chit-chatting over nothing.
Luke was supposed to talk to Clary and convince her to go home, but Jocelyn turns this into an argument within three seconds.
Clary throws a lot of repressed teenage angst back at her mother.
Clary gets captured by Dot and dragged into a portal to meet Valentine.
Alec has a shirtless orgasm over Jace
OHNOES. Alec can't feel Jace as part of him anymore!
Alec has to show off his beautiful hairy chest if he wants to use the magical stone to find Jace.
A shirtless Alec was making cum faces in bed as he fantasizes about Jace.
What is the scientific explanation for all these shirtless Alec scenes? Is there even an explanation?
Alec says that he can't live without Jace. How will poor Magnus feel?
Alec was having a rapturous orgasm on the bed as he fantasized about Jace.
Alec had such a monstrous orgasm that he got a nosebleed and even fainted afterwards.
We demand freedom for Dot!
Dot is still alive! She helped Valentine capture Clary and brought her to his evil lair.
Dot may have had Clary's back, but Clary certainly didn't reciprocate the favour.
Oh dear. Should you really be standing that closely to your sister, Jace?
Valentine just isn't that compelling as a villain. This season needs a new villain.
Jace threatens to kill Gretel because Valentine tricked him into believing that she killed an innocent mundane.
Valentine tries to make Clary one of his puppets, but it totally backfired in his face.
Dot just saved Clary and Jace's lives by helping them escape. Clary better come back to rescue her friend!
I don't really care that Gretel died, because she was such a bitch to my Simon.
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