In this Shadowhunters episode: Clary has an identity crisis over how much she sucks, Jace has too many evil daddy issues, Simon has a deathmatch with a firebreathing snake, and Alec has a mindblowing orgasm over Jace.
Can we all agree that Clary’s mom is a legit trainwreck? From marrying a psychopath to assassinating her son, this woman’s entire existence is just a series of self-destructive life choices. I’m starting to understand why Clary is such a disastrous human being sometimes because she clearly inherited it from her mother. The messy bitch gene must run in their family DNA.
Don’t trust that evil demon baby, Jocelyn!
Simon: Hey, maybe we should take a deep breath and relax…
Jocelyn: Simon, give us some space please.
Clary: No, no, you’re not going anywhere! You’re the only person I can trust right now!
Simon is scoring so hard with Clary in this scene. She may have made that remark in the heat of the moment, but you know it’s totally fuelling his deepest fangirl fantasies. Also, did anyone notice how Simon used this opportunity to put his grubby little hand on Clary’s back? Lemme comfort you and cop a feel at the same time!
Jocelyn: Valentine thought demon blood would make our child strong. And it did, but it also made him…evil. Clary, you had no idea how much I loved your brother. He was my baby boy. And I didn’t want to believe it until I saw what he was capable of.
Look at that goddamn evil baby! Y U GOT NO SOUL??? You can tell this diabolical mastermind was already plotting nefarious schemes along with the destruction of the world during his villainous infant years.
Um, okay? From the way that Mama Fray described her baby, I was expecting a soulless creature that can spit fire, shoot laser beams out of its eyes, and twist its head around in a slow 360-degree motion. If that flashback of him destroying a few flowers was the worst depiction she can conjure, than maybe this bitch needs to rethink her definition of *evil*.
Jocelyn: I went to one of Idris’ most powerful warlocks, Ragnor Fell. He warned me that in the future, your brother would only leave death and destruction in his wake!!!
Good grief, I can’t deal with this irrational bitch and all her dysfunctional melodrama. Does she have an off button somewhere? Mama Fray was so much more tolerable last season back when she was in a permanent vegetative state. Valentine was truly doing GOD’S WORK for putting the bitch in a coma and sparing us from her ridiculous drama. All is forgiven, bro! Now come back and save us from Jocelyn once more!
Clary: You’re saying my mom is right about this? That Jace is some kind of evil flower killing monster that deserves a death sentence?
Simon: No, no, that’s not what I’m saying…
No Clary, you’re mistaken. That’s not what he’s saying, it’s just what he’s thinking. *lol so obvious*
I think it says more about your sanity levels than hers that you’d even consider getting that tattoo? Also omg u guise, I made the very unfortunate decision to image search *champagne enema* with safesearch off, thinking naively that the internet will return me with pics or fanart of this fictional band. Let’s just say some visuals can never be unseen. I am disturbed, FOREVER DISTURBED.
Alec bullies Clary and makes her cry. *lol*
Clary: hi alec! wassup gurl!
Alec: PRETTY BOLD OF YOU TO SHOW YOUR FACE AROUND.
Alec: UNLESS YOUR EXPLANATION CAN BRING JACE BACK, SAVE IT.
Most people would respond to such hostility with a *fucku2* and simply walk away, but Clary kept pushing and prodding until Alec erupts into a FULL DIVA MELTDOWN. *snaps fingers*
YES SIS CLOCK HA. Our diva just completely annihilated that basic bitch and reduced her to nothing. We always knew Alec hated Clary, but we never knew exactly how much he loathed her fucking guts until now. Don’t hold back! Tell us how you really feel about dat bitch! AND DON’T STOP UNTIL YOU DESTROY HER.
Clary: Jace is my brother too! I want Jace back as much as you do!
Alec: You barely know him!!! I grew up with him! I fought by his side! He’s my brother! He’s my best friend!
Oh my god, Alec is so possessive over Jace that nobody else is even allowed to care about him as much as he does. Loving Jace *is* a competition and I GOTTA WIN. Who does this clary bitch think she is saying she wants Jace as much as I do, BITCH YOU CAN NEVER. Jace and I had our quinceañeras together, that sacred bond is IRREPLACABLE.
Clary: I’M SORRY. I’M SORRY.
Alec: When are you gonna realize you don’t belong here? You never have.
Look, I get that Clary is a needy bitch and it’s her thing to crave for everybody’s acceptance, but at some point she gotta realize it’s a lost cause with Alec. No matter how much she wants them to be bosom buddies, we gotta accept the fact that their relationship will never get better. Like she’s Lea Michele and he’s Naya Rivera, some bitches just aren’t meant to get along.
Clary: hai guise, i-
Alec: Did you not hear me before!? THERE’S NO PLACE FOR YOU HERE.
omg clary, this is getting so pathetic even by your standards. Just let it go, gurl! Alec will never accept your Facebook request no matter how much you pester him to be your friend! Now go make yourself useless elsewhere and stop being such a clingy embarrassment. BYE GURL.
Am I the only asshole who thinks it’s amazing that Alec bullied Clary into tears? WHAT A LEGEND. I didn’t think I’d enjoy watching a grown man make a little girl cry, but his epic smackdown gave me all kinds of pleasure. I admit Alec was being an ass, there’s brutal honesty and then there’s just being a dick. However, Clary has enough sycophants in her life who follow the bitch around telling her how special she is, so I appreciate Alec delivering some home truths about her. Don’t hate Alec just because he said what we’re all thinking and told Clary how much she sux.
Clary: I want to feel normal again… I want my old life back…
Izzy: You have a new life now. You have me. That’s not going to change.
Now kiss kiss to feel better? It must be noted Clary has so much more romantic chemistry with Izzy than she does with either Jace or Simon combined. Her character is only tolerable whenever she’s in a scene with Izzy, who kicks so much ass that I forget about Clary’s deficiencies in the awesomeness department. Yeah, I’d be 100% behind the two of them coupling up together!
1.) Izzy x Clary, because she’s the only one who can make Clary tolerable.
2.) Simon x Raphael, because hot gay latino vampire sex is a kink I never knew I had.
3.) Alec x Magnus x Jace, because Alec gets best of both worlds in this ménage a trois.
4.) Luke x Aldertree, because who doesn’t want a piece of this daddy-on-daddy action?
Result: the show is improved by a million times. Go all gay and all out, who agrees with me?
I shall commit seppuku before I tell you where Jace is!
Lydia: This wasn’t my fault, I know it!
Aldertree: You’re responsible for the actions of your institute, are you not!?
Oh, so it’s suddenly Lydia’s institute again now that something has gone wrong. *lol* Her new job position at the institute must be Official Scapegoat because whenever Aldertree fucks up a task, it gotta be her fault! *all fingers point towards Lydia*
Like geez, Lydia’s fall from grace is so humiliating to watch. How did someone go from sitting on the throne last season to sitting behind the receptionist desk this season???
Clary: When did the briefing start? Nobody told me.
Izzy: That wasn’t an accident.
The better question is how did Clary *not* know there was a meeting when literally every other person was in attendance. Gurl, where were you!? Were you too occupied on the toilet to notice that every person was gone from every room in the building?
Clary: Let me help!
Aldertree: Absolutely not. Your lack of training is a liability. Besides, you’re too close to this!
To be fair, Clary really doesn’t have any skills to bring to the table as a combat fighter or a magic healer or even just a support item user in your team. Gurl, you have no strength, stats, or skills to speak of. She’s destined to be one of those names that people bring up in their *most useless final fantasy character* discussions.
Meathead: I don’t fight girls.
Izzy: Then I guess it’s gonna be really one-sided.
And then Izzy proceeded to beat his ass down with three swift kicks to his balls, to his head, and to his face. *lol boss* I love how she didn’t hesitate and aimed straight for the groin during the first kick. I learned from my self-defence classes that’s where it hurts the most! Right in the crown jewels, BAM!!!
zomg talk about a total overreaction. Suicide just seems so…unnecessary. If you didn’t want to say anything, maybe try cutting off your tongue instead of cutting off your throat. Or maybe just try *not* talking at all. It may surprise you, but a lot of people manage to take a vow of silence and still keep their heads intact.
Valentine: …who are you again lol? *replaces you with a new minion*
At least this loyal minion died knowing that his death was for a great cause and it’ll be memorialized in the history books forever! *lolno* No, actually, he died in vain and his meaningless existence is already promptly forgotten by everyone, including Valentine. While you were dying, there were ten new minions waiting in the wings to replace you. Good job wasting your life for nothing, bye gurl bye!
Simon vs. Snake: Deathmatch of the Century
Gretel (the internet tells me her name is Gretel): Look at you, you’re an embarrassment to your own kind.
Like most mean girl cliques, there’s this one bitch who’s particularly aggro, while the rest of her vapid followers stand mutely behind her. Like, what’s her problem? Was she not loved enough as a child or something? Y R U SO MAD AT THE WORLD, SIS???
Simon: I can probably talk to Clary…
I love how Simon thinks talking to Clary will solve anything when she’s probably the LEAST powerful person among the shadowhunters. As we’ve witnessed, nobody listens to a damn word that bitch has to say. I think even the janitor scrubbing the toilets at the institute might have more authority and influence than Clary.
Simon: I’m not sure I wanna kn-
Raphael: They nail us to crosses, then let shafts of sunlight burn off our body parts, one at a time.
Simon: Which body part!? You know what, don’t answer that.
ALL the body parts, Simon, so say goodbye to your perky buttocks. After hearing that remark, Simon’s mind immediately went *there* and he could only focus on one particular body part that terrifies him the most. Not his heart… Not any of his vital organs… BUT THEY’RE GONNA BURN OFF MY BALLS BRO!!!
I’m reading too much into their interactions together, but ALL THE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN SIMON AND RAPHAEL THO. They might be the perfect match made in fangirl heaven. C’mon, two cute latino vampires sinking their fangs into each other? That’s the very definition of fan bait. It also helps that the actors have a great rapport and the characters have a fun dynamic, so I really like watching the two of them together. And you bet your ass I’ll be dissecting all their scenes for even the slightest whiffs of homoeroticism. *lol*
One, he’s a little hottie and he gets ten times hotter every time he randomly speaks Spanish on the show. Como estas, you fine stud.
Two, he gotta be the best dressed guy on the show, hands down. Who struts around in their finest, most expensive Armani suit in every scene? This stylish motherfucker, that’s who.
And three, his character is such a tsundere, to borrow an anime term. Here’s a guy who acts tough on the outside and constantly puts up an attitude, though deep down he’s just a big ole softie with a secret compassionate side. Raphael can act hot and cold with Simon all he wants, but we know he does care about his lil vampire bro more than he likes to admit. *nudge nudge*
I gotta ask the technical questions, but is vampire hair a legitimate form of currency in the Shadowhunters world? If so, what’s the hair-to-dollar exchange rate for each strand of hair? Let’s say if Simon plucked some of his armpit hairs, would he be able to use it and pay for a PS4 at his local Best Buy?
Simon: Portalling is not my thing. Is there like a YouTube tutorial that I can watch?
Sorry Simon, I had a video guide uploaded on my channel, but YouTube blocked it for copyright infringement. Good luck finding anything else out there. Nowadays, YouTube only consists of music videos, makeup tutorial videos, and let’s-play videos watched by people who don’t have money to buy the actual games.
Simon: Wait, are we in India!?
Magnus: Welcome to Agra!
Let’s play along anyway. Sure, Simon and Magnus are in “India” right now, and I’m currently typing this recap up in “Mars”.
Magnus: *sees vase* Hmm, I recognize that. Ming Dynasty. *moment of recognition* Of course I recognize it! IT’S MINE.
An indignant Mangus takes back his belongings one by one, except there was SO MUCH of his stolen trinkets among Camille’s that he had to use a bag just to put everything in. Camille’s house is like a second-hand thrift shop with lots of goodies, except every single item inside actually once belonged to you. *lol*
Magnus: *sighs at picture* Why do they always seem to get my bad side?
Shockingly, Magnus doesn’t take this artistic masterpiece back home with him, unless he’s planning to replicate the same picture with his current beau instead? OMG. Can you imagine if Malec did a portrait like this as a couple? MAKE IT HAPPEN. I think Alec would look good in that shade of green, don’t you?
Simon: Right, because why would you need a powerful warlock when you got a scrappy nerd from Brooklin!?
To demonstrate what a scrappy little nerd he is, Simon grabs a sword and flails his arms around as haplessly as possible. Some people have natural hand-eye coordination and others just look like they have a spastic arm. Erm, is this how Simon thinks you swing a sword? Why does it look like he’s cooking rice on a frying pan instead?
Simon: Where do I start!? Elevators! Snakes! Clowns! Raphael trying to burn my junk off!
Ooh boy, where do we start with Simon’s strange list of neuroses? *puts on psychiatrist hat* Firstly, there gotta be a story behind his random fear of elevators, right? Did he have a childhood trauma? Was he trapped in one of those giant metal killing chambers before? Secondly, Y U SO MAD AT DEM CLOWNS??? Thirdly, Raphael mentioned burning off other body parts too, but Simon seems so fixated on his peen for some reason. And finally, just imagine this is Simon’s worst fear in life: being trapped in an elevator with Raphael dressed like a clown, who’s holding a snake with one hand and a flamethrower with the other.
Poor Simon was screaming and panicking and may have possibly wetted his pants already. Maybe the serpent is friendly and not hostile… VICIOUS HISSSSS. Oh, nope, never mind. Within seconds, our poor boy is already backed into a corner and trying to scale the walls to escape. Hey Simon, look on the bright side, it could be much worse. At least Raphael isn’t in this room with some matches and a lighter!
Even though Simon desperately needed to cast this encanto spell to save his life, he still has performance anxiety and can’t get his flaccid powers to work. Okay, did Simon not activate the verification code to his supernatural abilities or something? At first, it was kinda funny, but now it’s getting sad and pathetic that Simon might be the most useless vampire ever. C’mon buddy, stop sucking so much and start kicking a little more ass!
The most surprising part is that Simon didn’t have to declare the word “ENCANTO” out loud for the spell to work. Turns out it’s actually possible to cast a magic spell without vocalizing the name of the spell first. This is a very confounding concept to me since I’m so used to the Harry Potter kids blurting out every syllable of every magical incantation. B-b…but how will the audience know what spell you’re casting if you don’t say the name out loud!? *suffers from mortified confusion*
Simon: Your baby?
Magnus: I created it for Camille ages ago. Best gift I ever gave!
Simon: Great. Well, then, maybe don’t include me on your Christmas list.
Magnus: He didn’t scare you, did he?
Simon: No, of course not! I encantoed him, no big!
Look at Simon putting on some major swagger just because he cast one successful spell after fifty failed attempts. *lol* Also, where can I sign up to be on Magnus’ Christmas list because his presents sound pretty amazing? Imagine if he was your Secret Santa and gave you a firebreathing snake as a present. BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.
Simon: *grabs random stick* Maybe I can pry it open…
Magnus: NO! Not with this! It’s too important!
Simon: You know what’s important? The parts Raphael wants to burn off me!
Despite Magnus stating the box had powerful defensive magic that even warlocks can’t break, I love how Simon thinks he can just pry it open with a random stick. Correction: it’s a randomly important stick because this might be a plot device for Magnus’ backstory in a future episode.
Simon: You’re gonna be like my Downworld sponsor! Cool!
Magnus: Let’s not get carried away. I said I’ll *try*. Even though I lived more centuries than I’d like to admit, it doesn’t mean I’m *patient*.
BROTP ALERT! Fortunately, Simon’s behaviour in this episode was just the right amounts of *lol pathetic* and *lol adorable* to get on Magnus’ good side, so our warlock agrees to mentor him or at least help this poor little lamb not get himself slaughtered. And just like that, a new beautiful bromance was created right before our eyes, hooray!
OHNOES! Clary is a runaway teen!
btw dat awkward moment when you’re walking in the opposite direction of everybody else on the street. Hey Clary, all the normal people are heading south, you sure you don’t wanna stop and ask for directions to make sure you aren’t going the wrong way?
What will Clary discover about herself after doodling a few sketches at the end of this afternoon special? Will she still want to be a shadowhunter? Or will the show drop its original premise and turn into the world’s most boring tv program about a first-year college student and her foray into art school? Stay tuned for Arthunters: The Mortal Instruments, coming to Freeform later this year!
Luke: Had you come clean with her, she might’ve understood. *I* might’ve understood. Jace’s demon blood? Valentine’s experiments? I mean, how can you not tell me that!? I tell you everything!
How did somebody as trainwrecky as Jocelyn manage to end up with somebody as well-adjusted as Luke? For her, he’s a massive trade-up from Valentine. But for him, I don’t understand why he’s putting up with this lying bitch and her needy daughter and their enormous pile of baggage. Surely Luke can greet any random stranger off the street and still manage to find a better romantic companion than Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: Clary didn’t activate her anti-tracking rune. I know where she is.
Luke: …then what do you need me for?
I love Luke’s delivery here because he was being so deadpan, as if he couldn’t believe she wasted his time over nothing. OMFG Jocelyn. If you knew where your daughter was all along, then why are we still standing around and talking about it? LET’S HURRY UP AND FIND THIS BITCH, YO.
Luke: You’re her mother…
Jocelyn: Exactly. She won’t listen to me, but she’ll listen to you.
The original plan was for Luke to talk with Clary in his soothing voice and convince the runaway teen to return home. Yet, he couldn’t mumble out two words before Jocelyn immediately butted in with guns blazing and kicked off a major argument. I DEMAND YOU TO COME HOME RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY. Uh, Jocelyn, gurrrrl. You had a plan, remember? In your own words: “she won’t listen to me”. Yeah, then why don’t you stfu and let Luke do all the talking instead? *lol*
ZOMG SO MUCH TEENAGE ANGST. I wish I could relate to what Clary is going through or at least feel a little more sympathy for her predicament, but I kinda don’t care. Hearing you whine about your awesome superpowers is like hearing Superman complain about having too much muscle or the Wonder Woman complain about having too much bust. I mean, we all have first-world problems, but let’s suck it up and make a productive use of our lives. For instance: if Clary just got off her lazy ass and took some actual training, then she wouldn’t be so useless as a shadowhunter. There, life crisis averted!
It was like watching somebody run past every single warning sign and then offer herself to the enemy on a platter. Oh my gawd. You’re completely hopeless, Clary Fray.
Alec has a shirtless orgasm over Jace
Izzy: Look, you know he’s not hurt. Otherwise, you would have felt something, right?
Alec: I don’t feel anything, Izzy. That’s what scares me.
Quick, somebody find one of Jace’s old socks or a used pair of his underwear so that Alec can sniff his parabatai’s scent and sense him again!!!
Needless to say, I love how determined Shadowhunters is to showcase Alec’s hairy chest in as many gratuitous shirtless scenes as possible. This show knows what its best assets are, covered in a luscious blanket of fur. I’ll never complain about seeing too much of shirtless Alec and I can stare into that magnificent black forest all season long. Next episode, we’ll hopefully see Alec try to find Jace while sliding down a stripper pole.
I don’t even think he was doing it intentionally, but some people have so much natural sex appeal that they simply can’t turn it off. Let’s just say if Alec ever wants to retire as a shadowhunter, rest assured that he has a very lucrative career in shadowporn waiting for him.
1.) Do his powers work like transmission waves and he’ll get better frequency reception from his hairy nipple antennas with no shirt on? *rubs nipples* I’m getting a signal! *gasps* I know where Jace is!
2.) Is it because Alec gets so hot & bothered thinking about Jace that sweat comes pouring out of his every pore and dampens any shirt he wears? Yeah, Alec probably does need a cold shower every time he finishes thinking about Jace.
Izzy: No, Alec! I’ve already lost both parents to Idris and a brother to Valentine. I’m not gonna lose you too.
Alec: He needs me, Iz! And I can’t… I can’t live without him.
Wow, that’s hardcore. All you Malec fans better start packing up and head on home because Alec and Jace already got a set of matching tombstones with each other. How can Magnus even begin to compete with that? Yeah, we might kiss and screw, but…I can live without him.
When your body moves like that and you’re thinking about your beloved Jace, that is classified as an *orgasm*. Not just any orgasm, but a RAPTUROUS ORGASM. What you see here isn’t excruciating pain, but Alec was actually in excruciating pleasure as he fantasized about his wildest sexual desires on the bed!
We demand freedom for Dot!
Anyway, the important news is that Dot came back to life after we thought she kicked the bucket last season. Welcome back, gurl! Love the new veins on your face, very chic! Dot is now working as one of Valentine’s minions who helped him capture Clary and imprison her in his evil lair. She doesn’t seem evil, but you can tell the poor woman has been through hell and is only following her master’s orders just to suffer a little less. Even though Dot feels bad about capturing Clary, she still did it anyway because her mentality is like *my survival over yours, gurl*.
Clary: Magnus couldn’t feel your magic anymore. We thought Valentine had killed you…
Dot: No, he just experimented on me.
Clary: You were like a big sister to me! Dot, you always had my back no matter what!
Okay, hold the phone. How many times has Clary actually mentioned her big sister Dot since her last appearance? Like…never, right? Okay, maybe a few times in passing reference, but I don’t recall any funerals or candlelit vigils or ten seconds of silence for her fallen comrade. Upon learning about her friend’s death last season, Clary was like *oh no, that really sucks for her!* before swiftly moving on with the rest of her life.
At first, Jace didn’t even believe this was the real Clary, nearly snapping her neck because he thought Valentine was playing mind games with him again. When he put her in a headlock, all I could think about was: *oh wow, they’re standing awfully close for brother and sister* *is he nibbling against her ear omfg* *who’s gonna initiate the first kiss*.
Gretel: No, I’ve never killed anyone, I swear! Please don’t kill me! I’ve obeyed the Accords! I’m part of Luke’s pack. We don’t hurt anyone. We’re not like that.
Valentine: She’ll say anything to go free! You let her live, son, and she will kill again!
Despite Valentine’s proven track record as a manipulative, deceptive scum of the earth villain, Jace still blindly trusts what his daddy says and threatens to kill this werewolf whose innocence couldn’t be more obvious. It should be common sense by now, but whenever Valentine tells you anything, you can guarantee 100% that the *opposite* is true.
Valentine: Ah Clarissa, what do you have to say to Jace? *WINK WINK*
Clary: lol yeah valentine is a totes evil beeeeyatch, kthxbye.
That plan backfired spectacularly in Valentine’s face, didn’t it? LMAO FAIL. He shoulda just left Clary outta this instead of acting like such a puppetmaster controlling everyone’s minds at once. Look at me, I’m controlling Dot to control Clary in order to get control over Jace! Stop it gurl, you’re doing too much.
Unfortunately, Dot had to keep the forcefield open and couldn’t run away herself, so Valentine threw that traitorous bitch back into his torture dungeon for more hellish suffering. Poor Dot, I feel so bad for her! CLARY BETTER COME BACK TO RESCUE DOT, I SWEAR TO GOD. After Dot risked everything just to save that bitch’s life again, the least Clary can do is to come back with a thank you card and a gift basket. And it better be one of those fancy baskets with expensive truffles and shit, because Dot deserves the best!
Besides, she was such a massive aggro bitch to Simon, I can’t help but feel the world is a better place without her bullying. At the end of the day, this is what happens to basic bitches who dare to pick on my Simon. U DESERVED TO DIE BITCH.