Is it fair to say this might be THE best guilty pleasure currently on television? There aren’t many other shows with a combination of bad acting + bad writing + bad production values and still manages to win me over with its immense charm. Despite its faults and shortcomings, Shadowhunters is such a fun, likable show. It might not win any Golden Globe awards in the future, but I know I’ll get an hour of hilarity and enjoyment out of each episode, which is good enough for me!
Okay, can Valentine please stay dead?
Sorry Clary, you might think you’re the main protagonist, but the opening credits indicate that Simon is the real star and you’re just his second fiddle sidekick. If this was a music video, Simon would be *David Guetta* and Clary would be *featuring Sia*.
I think what happened was that badass head honcho Valentine finally obtained DA GOBLIN CUP, which gives him the magical powerz to clone more baddies and his evil army can take over the world. He also threatened to kill our motley crew of shadowhunters, but Jace pulled a Katniss Everdeen and volunteered as tribute so that his sister (& ex-girlfriend) Clary can live. I don’t have any recollections of these storylines happening last season EXCEPT for the hilarious incestuous romance between Clary & Jace. Rest assured that I definitely remembered about the incest lol.
Jace: I…killed him?
Uh, what just happened? Did Jace successfully kill Voldemort within the first two minutes of the season premiere? It’s not even time for the first commercial break yet and Valentine is already lolded. You’d think the biggest villain in the show might put up more of a resistance and has a health bar with more than 1 HP, but one little jab and the fucker immediately croaks.
Their fight consisted of numerous clang clang clang clang sound effects before Jace finally stabbed Valentine in the bellybutton. And then, I think Jace might have accidentally tripped on his shoelaces or something, because he stumbled forward, pushed Valentine over the ledge, and both of them fell off a towered platform. After being stabbed to death and falling to his death, you’d think Valentine won’t be able to survive this time. But can Jace stab him a couple more times just to make sure he stays dead?
It turns out Jace didn’t kill the real Valentine, but just some random minion wearing a Valentine disguise. One of the cool magic powers with da mortal cup is that you can use it to create and control many identical clones. So, Valentine could use the cup to raise an evil army with thousands of clones that look exactly like him. If I had my hands on the magic cup, I’d totally use it to reproduce a bunch of hot guys lol. Imagine a fantasy world filled with thousands of Harry Shum Jr clones. *sighs dreamily* It’d be my perfect utopia.
JACE IS A PART OF ME!!!
Alec: WHY HAVEN’T YOU FOUND JACE YET!?!?
Lydia: Don’t forget who you’re talking to! I’m still the head of this institute!
Alec: AND MY BROTHER IS STILL MISSING!!!
I’m just gonna say what we’re all thinking, but Alec is searingly hot when he’s acting so aggro and alpha. I love watching him get up on Lydia’s face and going all *AIN’T NOBODY GONNA COME BETWEEN ME & MY MAN, ESPECIALLY NOT YOU BITCH*.
With that said, I’m kinda happy Lydia’s character didn’t get written out of the show yet. One, call it the Chloe Sullivan effect, but I love it whenever a noncanonical character seamlessly fits into the show’s universe despite not being part of the source material. (Lydia is not quite there yet, but she has potential.) And two, Shadowhunters is a major sausagefest at times and could really use an extra dose of estrogen in the cast. You can count all the female protagonists with one hand, not to mention one of them is Clary oh my goodness. So yeah, I gladly welcome Lydia to provide us with some more diverse female representation on the show.
HOW DARE YOU ALEXANDER!!! I was with you when you snapped at Lydia because that outburst was funny, but there’s no excuse for turning against your precious Magnus! I get that you’re upset, but you need to calm your hairy tits and dial it down by a hundred notches. NOBODY SPURNS MAGNUS ON MY WATCH!
Magnus: I know what you’re going through, Alexander…
Alec: No, I don’t think you do! Jace is a part of me! Through our rune, we’re physically and emotionally connected! If he dies, a part of me dies too!
Okay, okay, we get it, you wanna fuck Jace. Put it in me so that you can become a part of me, Jace! We know the two of you are sexually connected, but you don’t have to spell it out so clearly to your boyfriend. Every time you profess your lust for Jace, a part of Magnus dies too!
Okay, unpopular opinion alert, I must admit that I was shipping Alec x Jace on the downlow last season…and I still secretly kinda want them to end up together. *lol shame* I love Magnus to bits, and would love nothing more than a 3P harem ending for everybody involved, but there’s just something about the intensity of Alec’s devotion to Jace that gives me the serious feels. No matter how much I want Malec to make gaybies together, I’m a greedy bitch and also want to see an epic Jalec romance happen at the same time. If Jace would drop that lump of Clary and go partially gay for Alec, I would ship it SO HARD jussayin’.
Magnus: I can’t help you with this. The last time you used the rune to track Jace, it almost killed you…
Alec: WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO THIS ONE THING!!! AFTER EVERYTHING I’VE DONE FOR YOU!!!
Alec stomps away like an angry neanderthal after his little tantrum, while Magnus has the funniest reaction because he was visibly in so much disbelief. You can easily translate every step of his thought process: *exsqueeze me!?* *after everything you’ve done for me!?* *oh you nasty bitch* *that is the biggest load of horseshit i’ve ever heard*
Magnus: You really don’t get it, do you? You didn’t risk anything for me. You did it for you.
Ooooh Magnus, clock dat ungrateful bitch! *you go gurl* I know Alec made that shitty remark in the heat of the moment, but there must be a part of him that believes Magnus owes him something just because Alec sacrificed his privileged heterosexual lifestyle for them to be together. Thankfully, Magnus was having NONE OF DAT and told Alec to KINDLY FUCK OFF. Take your emotional insecurities elsewhere because Magnus Bane ain’t having it, bitch!
According to Alec, the world gotta stop spinning and everyone in it gotta bend over backwards to help him find Jace. *rolls eyes* Ugh, it pains me to criticize Alec when he looks so damn hot in a feisty mood, but he’s being so terribly douchey right now. Just because Jace has gone missing doesn’t give you the right to fucking snap at anybody like that. Overbearing asshole is not a cute look on you. AND CAN ALEC STOP YELLING PLEASE!? WE KNOW YOU’RE UPSET, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO ALL-CAPS ON US ALL THE FRIGGING TIME!!!
Magnus was gonna say *shit* before Alec cut him off mid-sentence. You can totally see it in his enunciation, hehehehe. Okay, this is only funny because Freeform doesn’t broadcast profanities on their television network, but they should totes change that conservative policy and just let Magnus swear to his heart’s content. #LetMagnusSwear #LetHimSayShit
Magnus: *glares at him* At the moment? Nothing.
MY HEART IS BREAKINGGGGG. I just wanna give Magnus a hug and give Alec a slap. Nah, I wanna hug both of them because I don’t like it when my two baes fight! I’m so invested in their relationship and I need my gay love story to work out! My heart is too fragile! I can’t deal with all the drama! Unfortunately, I’m such an emotional mess right now and I think I need counselling. Do you guys think it’s weird for me to get couple counselling for a relationship that I’m not even a part of?
Victor Aldertree is the BIGGEST douche.
Maryse: Valentine now has the Mortal Cup, and one of our own has joined him. As a result, the Clave has declared a state of emergency at the Institute. Their first priority is to replace the current leadership, who they have deemed wholly ineffectual.
lol lydia, u just got dissed gurl. To be honest, I feel kinda bad for the chick. First she loses her fiancé to another guy, and now she loses her job in a coup d’état. Dear life, please stop shitting all over Lydia and cut this poor bitch some slack.
If justice can’t prevail in the real world, then at least let the Shadowhunters universe course correct itself and give Lydia her fucking job back. #ImWithHer
Simon: It’s almost dawn. I don’t have anywhere to go…
Victor: You’re a smart guy. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.
Translation: I don’t really care if you die, as long as you don’t die on my grounds. OMG FUCK YOU DOUCHE. WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU, VICTOR ALDERTREE!? *rolls up sleeves* Don’t hold me back, let me take a swing at ‘im!!!!
Victor: You had the impression that he was saving your lives by leaving with Valentine?
Clary: It’s more than an impression, it’s what actually happened. If he tried anything, the rest of us would have been killed.
Clary then reiterated his innocence again, in multiple languages including sign language, and even stood up to do an interpretative dance, but Aldertree’s final conclusion was still: *ah. so you confirm jace didn’t even try at all. how verrrry suspicious of him. CASE CLOSED.*
Clary: Aldertree said he wanted to rescue Jace!?
Victor: Actually, I said I wanted to find him. And you gave me the clue to do just that.
Alec: *glares bitchily at Clary* Ugh. What did you tell him?
lol @ Alec sassing her so hard. You’d think he might be more inclined to side with his fellow comrade over the tyrannical dictator, but Alec just refuses to support Clary even if they have the same goal and the same common enemy. How long before he starts yelling at her: IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO JACE, IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT CLARY!!!
(P.S. I’m betting the makeup artist who has to draw that stupid Z on Alec’s neck every episode must be wishing and praying so hard that his character gets deruned. You have to be so precise with that highly visible tattoo, or else OCD viewers like Recap Everything will nitpick and point out when you don’t do a consistent job. *lol*)
Why are the moms on this show so weird?
Alec: If you kill him, you kill a part of me!
Maryse: When you have a cancer, you cut it out before it destroys you.
Holy shit, did she just describe Jace as a cancer? *lmao* This bitch is confirmed SAVAGE AS FUCK. If Jace is cancer, then Mama Lightwood has gotta be a malign tumour at the very least.
Maryse: He’s not your brother. He’s not your blood.
Alec: He’s closer than blood! He’s my parabatai!
He’s not my blood, he’s my SOUL. Alec is soooo effing devoted to Jace that it’s almost a little disturbing. Is there anything he wouldn’t do for Jace? Let’s say his precious parabatai was feeling constipated, I’ve no doubt Alec would be right there cheering him on beside the toilet.
Maryse: We look like fools taking in Valentine’s son, caring for him like our own! It was a mistake! It put our family in danger!
Oh no, what will my book club buddies say if they find out I raised Valentine’s son! Think about the neighbours gossiping! Think about the looks I’ll get at the supermarket! Think about those bitches laughing behind my back at the hair salon! I can’t even show my face for Taco Tuesdays at Pizza Hut ever again! THIS SCANDAL WILL RUIN MY SOCIAL LIFE!
Clary and Jace’s mom might be a nice woman with a good heart, but she’s such a frigging human disaster. I feel like I’m forgetting a lot of her ridiculous antics last season, which include hiding her daughter’s awesome superpowers for 18 years instead of using that time to prepare her for the deadly supernatural world. I just think Jocelyn is a total oddball with a consistent record of making bad life decisions. Every time she is given two choices, a blatantly good choice versus an explicitly bad choice, rest assured this bitch will definitely pick the bad one.
Clary: I know, but I’m not a kid anymore. You don’t have to protect me.
Jocelyn: Yes, I do.
Clary: By telling me lies?
Jocelyn: I was scared.
Clary: Because you married a psychopath.
I thought Clary would be a little more emotional considering she spent all of last season crying over her mommy, but it turns out the only emotion she feels is SNARKY RAGE. Her tender family reunion lasted for maybe three seconds before she immediately bitched out Mama Fray. Mom, I’m so glad you came back to life BECAUSE I NEEDED TO TELL YOU ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU RUINED MINE!!!
Luckily, Izzy has an exit strategy! For some reason, she doesn’t just grab Clary in a dark corridor and whisper the entire plan to her outright. I mean, it would have literally taken three seconds and Clary could already be out there looking for Jace right now, but Izzy makes them go through a training exercise first before sharing the details of her plan. Izzy’s mentality: *hey clary, lemme kick your ass and humiliate you on the sparring floor first before I tell you how to look for jace!*
Izzy: Have you studied The Art of War?
Clary: It’s not on the reading list at art school.
Okay, let’s be real, just look at Clary. Her entire demeanour screams that she reads purely chick lit & YA fiction. Bitch may not have studied The Art of War, but she does know what Jane Austen has said about men, love, and relationships.
Izzy: To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
How would Sun-Tzu feel if he knew his words were being twisted to help a teenage girl find her missing boyfriend on a Freeform show? Anyway, the gist of the plan is for Clary to transform herself into Aldertree and waltz out of the institute pretending to be him. You’d think Clary might’ve figured out such a simple plan without assistance, but dumb protagonist is dumb. Thank god Izzy was here to think for Clary because I highly doubt our girl could think of anything on her own.
I dunno how I feel about the two of them together, since Victor is a douche and doesn’t seem worthy of Izzy’s greatness. Speaking of Izzy, she’s fabulous and I really like her personality, but sometimes I get the feeling that the show doesn’t know what to do with her character. The others get all the juicy storylines and she’s relegated to a supporting role most of the time. I wanna see more of her! Izzy could use a good story arc or a sexy love interest this season, so let’s hope Shadowhunters delivers on this front.
ENCANTO! ENCANTO!? ENCANTO???
When I started watching this show, Alberto Rosende was such a revelation to me and I was so taken by his natural charisma on screen. There’s something very authentic and very vulnerable about his acting even when he was saying the cheesiest lines. He reminds me of Dylan O’Brien (from Teen Wolf) in the sense that they’re both the clear standouts in their respective casts. I don’t wanna shit on the others too much, but during the first few episodes last season, I felt like I watching one good actor and four good looking models trying to act. *lol* It’s not often you find a strong actor in these teen shows who can do comedic scenes and dramatic scenes well, so Alberto Rosende needs to be appreciated because he’s a rare gem.
Luke was looking after his bro and kindly offered him a place to stay at the werewolf den, but the presiding mean girl clique was like HELL NO because they don’t want to hang out with some vampire dweeb. Simon didn’t even do anything to provoke them, but all these werewolves just came over with their pitchforks and told him *YOU CAN’T STAY HERE ROSA PARKS*. omg it’s 2017 and discrimination still thrives very much in our society, y’all.
Werewolf: What the hell are you doing!?
Simon: EN-CAN-TO!? It’s supposed to make you do whatever I tell you to.
lol this is so embarrassing. Every time Simon says ENCANTO, I cringe a little from second-hand embarrassment.
Aww, just seeing his wittle sad face in that canoe breaks my heart. It makes me wanna hold Simon in my arms and rock my poor baby to sleep.
Aldertree: Luke! I need your help!
Luke: What, we’re on a first name basis now!? Man, get off my docks!
And then Aldertree was like *lol sry* before Clary realized that she forgot to take off her disguise. She dropped by to ask for Luke’s help in locating Jace, and he was like *lol sry* but humoured her anyway and pretended to care. Luke is too nice to tell off Clary, though deep down he’s thinking: “bitch, i don’t got no time for yo silly teenage boy problems! lost your boyfriend? go find a NEW one.”
Simon: Do you think it’s true what they’re saying about Jace? He could come for Clary next. He’s totally hung up on her.
Luke: Are you worried about Jace…or maybe telling Clary how you feel?
I don’t deny the fact that Jace will be cumming for Clary, but Simon saying “he’s totally hung up on her” might be the biggest case of the pot calling the kettle black. Every Clary x Simon interaction can be summed up as Clary babbling about something mundane while Simon blushes, giggles, nods appreciatively, and agrees with whatever his goddess is saying while smelling a lock of her hair.
Simon: I’m bold! …adjacent.
It’s cute that Luke tells Simon to be bold, which is just a nicer way of saying that kid got no swag. The sad truth is if Simon wants to get with Clary, he doesn’t need to be bold… He needs to be Jace.
I was hoping these two horny teenagers would get their mack on, but Clary just spends most of her time complaining about how much she sux. “I dunno how to do this! I dunno how to find Jace! Wah, wah, wah!” Simon makes some kind of wise crack along the lines of “you think there’d be a handbook for the shadow world, like Shadowhunters for Dummies” which is a bit of a diss on Clary’s intelligence, but luckily she’s too much of a dummy to realize what he said about her. *lol*
Jocelyn: *immediately runs away and slams the door in your face lmao*
Simon: First rule of shadowhunting, don’t give anyone your phone or stele.
WTF JOCELYING STRIKES AGAIN! Jocelyn acts like she got some cool magic tricks to track down Jace, and initially I thought Mama Fray was being sincere because she had some secret powerful FindMyPhone app, but nope it turns out she was just trolling her daughter. TROLOLOLOL. omfg what kind of mother dupes their own daughter and locks her up? Her original intent is to protect Clary and stop her from finding Jace/Valentine, but surely there’s a better way to secure your child than to lock her up in a shipping container like she’s a piece of industrial cargo???
Or maybe Jocelyn’s intent is to lock Clary together with Simon so they can get more intimate with each other. I WON’T LET YOU TWO OUT UNTIL I GET GRANDCHILDREN! Simon admits he’s glad for the alone time with Clary, and they exchange fond childhood memories of them raiding the liquor cabinet in the tenth grade. Poor Simon was like *remember the time we both got crazy drunk and we still didn’t hook up with each other* and an oblivious Clary was just like *I only remember the killer hangover lolz*.
Unfortunately, Simon is cockblocked by the door going OPEN SESAME all of a sudden. He couldn’t finish the rest of his love confession because Clary already bolted outta there. Sorry Simon, imma let you finish, but I gotta go find Jace and confess my love to him! Even though Simon didn’t complete his words, you’d think Clary might be able to fill in the blanks and figure out he’s totally in love with her. The fact Clary didn’t react at all just goes to show she’s either playing dumb or she doesn’t listen to a single word Simon says during their conversations together. CLARY, I LOVE YOU! …erm, are you even listening to me?
Simon: *looks at phone* Your mom’s close.
Clary: Then run faster!
Simon: I’m a vampire. I’m running slow for you.
LOL. This is like Clary telling Usain Bolt that he gotta run faster in the Olympics. Maybe Simon should run on ahead and hail a cab for Clary so that slowpoke can catch up.
Shirtless Malec. Need I say more?
DAYUM. DAT BODY. It should be pretty self-explanatory without me pointing out how fine he looks, but I feel the need to reiterate how smoking hot he is because it can’t be said enough. I love every part of his body, head and shoulders, knees and toes. I dare you to look at this adonis and then honestly tell me you don’t wanna LICK him all over. *gurl i know u do*
Okay, lemme make this Shadowhunters recap as easy to understand as possible. Best part of the episode is Magnus taking off his clothes. Worst part of the episode is Magnus putting on his clothes. As soon as he got dressed again, I snapped out of my blissful daze and was like *damn i got to concentrate on the plot now*.
Alec: I’m not good at apologies, but I’m…I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. You were right. When I called off my wedding, that was for me.
Good. You better be sorry, ya punk. I’m glad that he acknowledged his *runaway bride* moment was more about Alec figuring his shit out and it had nothing to do with him making sacrifices for Magnus. Honey, you were the train conductor to that whole wedding debacle trainwreck and Magnus was just one of the passengers along for the ride.
Magnus: This may surprise you, but you’re new for me too.
Alec: Look, with Jace missing, it’s just like the ground has shifted and I can’t keep my bal-
Magnus: *storms off*
I love Magnus strutting away as soon as Alec starts his spiel about Jace. DON’T WANNA HEAR IT, BITCH. Yeah, we all know how much Jace rocks your world, but maybe downplay your feelings a little in front of the missus. Anyway, Alec grabs onto Magnus’ arm to stop him from leaving, and Magnus was fangirling inside because he might be mad at his bf but part of him is also like *omg he touched me*. Then, Alec uses this opportunity to hold hands with Magnus and now it’s my turn to fangirl inside because *omg swoon*. Alec may have behaved like an asshole this episode, but…but MY MALEC FEELS.
Magnus: You’re forgiven. Also, you’re great at apologies.
ALL IS FORGIVEN, MY DEAR! Now kiss and make up! Alec only had to flash those puppy dog eyes and a dainty little smile, and I would forgive him even if he committed murder. My favourite Malec moment wasn’t even that sweet and sincere apology, but rather that very special moment when Magnus fixed Alec’s collar as they lock eyes with each other. Oh my gosh, sorry if I sound like something that crawled out of Tumblr, but that gesture was PRECIOUS as hell. It was worth the heartbreak of seeing Malec argue earlier if only to see them all loved up like this afterwards.
Awww. Magnus’ inner beauty radiates just as much as his exterior beauty. In my opinion, Magnus is BOYFRIEND GOALS and Malec is RELATIONSHIP GOALS, but I’m obviously super biased because there’s nothing Recap Everything stans for more than a gay love story with two hot guys. Honestly, I feel like Shadowhunters hit the jackpot with these two actors & characters. Alec is a perfect ten and Magnus is also a perfect ten, so it’s only natural they have perfect ten chemistry in their perfect ten relationship.
I believe heaven exists on this earth and it is located deep within the magnificent nest of Alec’s hairy chest. Every shirtless scene of his feels like a divine treat, as if I did good in my previous life and God decided to reward me with this bountiful view. His body is a scenic landscape with the broad shoulders and the bulging biceps and the sculpted torso and the furry treasure trail. Best of all, his chest hair looks so lush and majestic, like a beautiful tropical rainforest that needs to be cautiously preserved. Alec’s chest should be classified as one of the world’s natural wonders as far as I’m concerned.
Is it just me or does this scene remind anybody of Titanic? I got a total DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS vibe after seeing Alec sprawled out on the sofa like a classy whore.
Jace is a demon prince!
Valentine: Get dressed.
Like all the other shirtless scenes, we’re provided with no reason why Jace had to strip down just to be tortured. Unfortunately, it’s difficult for Recap Everything to objectify him in a sexual manner when poor Jace was beaten with blood and possibly some guts spilling outta his mouth. He reminded me of a meat rack in a butcher shop. Like wtf, I thought these shirtless scenes were supposed to be sexy and not gross!? I DEMAND A REDO.
He missed unfortunately, but you gotta give him some points for trying. I just love how Jace has no qualms about killing his own father any time or anywhere, as evidenced by his dozens of failed murder attempts this episode. Even though we’ve established that Valentine is seemingly immortal, it hasn’t deterred Jace from trying again and again. Just imagine the hours of deleted footage on the cutting room floor with Jace throwing knives and pots and saucers and plates and even some of the spaghetti at Valentine. DIE MOFO DIE!!!
Valentine: Well, it made you stronger, didn’t it?
Jace: No! The Lightwoods made me stronger. They took me in. They trained me. If anyone’s my parents, they are!
Oh dear, I guess nobody informed Jace that Mama Lightwood disowned her adopted son and cut all ties with him. It gotta suck for Jace to speak so highly of the Lightwoods when Maryse literally compared him to a piece of CANCER. Ouch. Valentine might be an evil son of a bitch, but at least he wants Jace as part of his family. Can’t say the same about Maryse Lightwood, who has already photoshopped Jace’s face out of all their family photo albums.
Jace: You experimented on me!? Why!?
Valentine: To create the perfect weapon… The ideal marriage of good and evil… A shadowhunter with pure demon blood. I made you stronger. Faster. More lethal than any Shadowhunter.
I dunno why Jace is so upset and outraged. You’d think he might be a little more appreciative that Valentine made him harder, better, faster, stronger. Besides, who’d want to be a smelly shadowhunter when you can become an awesome kickass demon prince instead? Total upgrade in my opinion.
Valentine: A father with perspective!
Jace: If that blood is so evil, why did you put it in me!?
Valentine: To fight fire with fire.
lmao @ Valentine being so unapologetic about drugging his kid and even calling himself “a father with perspective”. You should be thanking me for making you so badass, you ungrateful son! Despite his father’s best intentions, Jace continues to pout and mope and complain incessantly about his situation. Ugh, over it. You’d think that since Valentine did genetic testing on his son, he’d be able to find a way and breed out the *whiny punk ass bitch* gene out of Jace, but evidently that experiment was not a successful one.
OMGLOL. Valentine was being so gross telling Jace that he has URGES and that’s why he’ll ALWAYS want to bone his sister. Okay Valentine, I know you’re a hardcore Jace x Clary shipper, but incest is still incest and we gotta fight those urges no matter how much Jace wants Clary!
Maria: A girl’s gotta eat.
Some of you may condemn Maria for her carnivorism, but I love her positive attitude to food and I gotta support her cause. HASHTAG TEAM MARIA.
Jace: You killed innocent mundanes! And now, you’re gonna die just like your friends!
Maria: You can’t kill me, I surrender to the authority of the Clave! *taunts* I know my rights. I might have broken the accords, but I know you won’t!
Um okay, that’s like a really stupid rule. Whodafuq invented these laws and left such an easily exploited legal loophole?
Clary arrives just in time to see her mother in the middle of killing her brother. Okay, this is turning into the most fucked up family reunion ever. WTF JOCELYN!? What are you doing, woman!? I thought you were supposed to be one of the good guys!? Somebody call child services and report this crazy bitch!