I’m gonna try my best to recap the entire season in a single (long ass) post, skipping all the boring scenes (looking at u grace), and just highlighting the most insane moments in each episode. Please be warned this Scream Queens recap probably won’t make any sense. It’ll just be a collection of hilarious quotes, which…to be fair, is basically what this show is all about. Let’s accept Scream Queens for what it is: a bunch of funny one-liners and pop culture references with several other scenes in between.
Episode 1: Pilot
At this point, if you’re already thinking: “WTF!? This isn’t how normal human beings behave!? What is this!? What show am I watching!?”, it’s safe to say Scream Queens may not be the right show for ya, so you should quit while you’re ahead. Did I not tell you to turn your brain off? An empty mind is critical to enjoying Scream Queens. On the other hand, if you simply *lmao* at all the ridiculousness, then come over and hang with me because we’re on the ~*same level*~ babe.
It’s easy to blame these three bitches for the bathtub girl’s death, but if you thiiiiink about it, maybe they wouldn’t have gone off to dance *if* TLC weren’t such an awesome band and produced such a catchy song in the first place. In many ways, maybe TLC were the REAL KILLERS that inadvertently caused this tragic turn of events.
In these types of shows, it’s always the most normal character that turns out to be the baddest, craziest, evillest mofo in the end. Unsurprisingly, there’s a very strong possibility that Amy raised the babies and later trained them to be evil merciless assassins for twenty years, so even the ~normal girl~ is a bit batshit insane on this show. *lol*
Ooh boy, how do you begin to describe Chanel? Imagine the nastiest, evillest, most stereotypical queen bee rich bitch mean girl that you’ve ever encountered. Now, bleach it with blonde hair, dress it in designer clothes and accessories, add a sprinkle of racism, homophobia and casual bigotry in the mix. Then, put it in an acidic cauldron to brew for around twenty years, and that’s what you get with Chanel #1. I can’t sugar-coat it, she is a BAD human being. Naturally, every amazing zinger and every hilariously awful quote on the show comes from her character, so you better get used to this bitch.
These are my minions. I don’t know their names. I don’t want to know their names. They’re known as Chanel #2, Chanel #3, Chanel #5. I’m Chanel #1, obvi.
There was a Chanel #4, but she got meningitis. She was like, “I’m sick! I have to go home!” And I was like, “No. Stay.” But she went home anyway, and then she died. So another thing I was right about.
Read all of that, but imagine it being said in the most stuck-up bitchy voice ever. I’ve seen Emma Roberts in American Horror Story before, and I swear this girl manages to nail the bitch character perfectly. This may sound like a backhanded compliment, but she’s a natural at being a bitch. Her characters always exude the perfect amount of sass & vitriol, and I absolutely love it.
Barista: Welcome to The Grind! What can I get for you?
Bitch: I’ll have a Trenta, no-foam, five-shot, half-caf, no foam, pumpkin spice latte with no foam at 210 degrees.
Barista: First of all, that’s really hot. That’s two degrees below boiling.
Bitch: I’m sorry, did I enter a wormhole to a universe where this coffeehouse does not possess the technology to heat my favorite autumnal tradition to 210 degrees!? I like my pumpkin spice lattes extra hot, so please comply with my request.
Barista: But extra hot is 170 degrees…
Bitch: I’m sorry, does your job description entail arguing with your customers, thereby delaying the moment at which they receive the irresistible nutmeggy sweetness of the extra hot, no foam, pumpkin spice latte they’ve been thinking about all day? I mean, God!
Barista: Right. One 210-degree, Trenta, five-shot, no foam, pumpkin spice, half-caf, no foam latte for Chanel.
Bitch: Thank you, coffee donkey. *takes a sip* UGHHH!!! You burned the milk! *throws it to the floor* Learn to make a pumpkin spice latte, you psychopath!
Going into Scream Queens, I knew I was expecting some solid performances from Emma Roberts & Jamie Lee Curtis, but this Glen Powell guy was a bit of a pleasant surprise! (Also, I’d hit it. ) The actor exudes so much enthusiasm and charisma in his role that I’m totes willing to ignore how he doesn’t look like a college-aged student at all. *lol he oldddd*
Let’s hear Chanel #1’s assessment of each sorority newbie:
Neckbrace: “Real name, Hester Ulrich. History major. She smells like hot dog water and probably sprained her neck giving blumpkins down at the local bowling alley.”
Deaf Taylor Swift: “Real name, Tiffany Something. And like all deaf people, she has horrible halitosis.”
Predatory Lez: “Real name, Mac or Butch or something. Two days ago, I caught her staring at my ass on the quad. All that girl’s after is a whole lot of bikini burger.”
Sadly, two of them are just gag characters not long for this show (#killyourminorities), but yes that is indeed Rachel Barry in a neckbrace! Aha, you thought you’d get a break from seeing Lea Michele on TV after six seasons of Glee were put to a merciful end, but Ryan Murphy will continue trotting out his prize pony in every show he produces. Just wait until Scream Queens has been cancelled, then get ready to see Lea Michele in the cast list for the next season of American Horror Story: Summer Camp.
Jennifer: You guys, I love this one! I got it at Bath & Body Works, half-off. I call it the Nancy Meyers experience, because when you burn it, it smells like creamy couches and menopause. You know, like a Nancy Meyers movie, four stars. *sniffs the candle*
Nice review, Jennifer, but I’d like to hear more about the texture and longevity of the candle wick so I can make an informed assessment. Ironically, being a candle vlogger might be uncool BEFORE Scream Queens introduce it to the mainstream. Now, expect all the hipsters and YouTube stars to start doing these reviews ironically and everyone will be hopping on this candle vlogging phenomenon.
I mean, Zayday is alright, but the other one is seriously so *vanilla*. Apparently, Grace is supposed to be the main protagonist and her character has an actual storyline that takes up half of the episode every week, but no1curr about dis bland ho. Don’t worry, I’ll refrain from mentioning Grace & her boring bs in this recap unless absolutely necessary.
In case you didn’t catch on, a lot of ppl are gonna die on Scream Queens! As you’d expect from a campy little show, these deaths are always senseless, gratuitous, and done in a hilariously absurd manner. Here at Recap Everything, our judges will commiserate each death by assigning a score based on the artistic merit. Marks are rewarded for both brutality AND creativity. For instance, stabbing someone with a knife will get you one devil face, but making the effort to stab someone in the eyeball with a poisoned chalice will net you two devil faces.
The events leading up to her death are absolutely RIDIC, but I mean that in the best way possible. The killer marches into her room, stands in front of the girl, and sends her a death threat via a text message: “I’m gonna kill you now.” Chanel #2 looks up, momentarily alarmed, and then immediately replies back to the text: “Wait whaaaaaat???!” She ends up getting stabbed in the neck by the Red Devil.
As if her death wasn’t already so bizarre, Chanel #2 uses her final moments to type out one last tweet to her loyal online followers: “I’M DYINGGGG HELPPPP MEEEEE.” She seemingly dies, but comes back to life because she forgot to hit the ‘Send’ button, and then she dies again. *trolololololol*
VICTIM: RIP Chanel #2 (real name: Ariana something)
BRUTALITY: (knife to the neck)
CREATIVITY: (+1 for the text message)
VICTIM: RIP Deaf Taylor Swift (now known as Dead Taylor Swift)
BRUTALITY: (lawnmower to the head)
CREATIVITY: (+1 for the Taylor Swift song)
VICTIM: RIP Ms. Bean (now known as Ms. Deep Fried Beans)
BRUTALITY: (deep fryer to the face)
CREATIVITY: (+1 for the successful prank)
Chantel #1: She’s dead!!!
Grace: WELL OF COURSE SHE’S DEAD! YOU JUST BURNED HER FACE OFF!!!!!
Chantel #1: Shut up! You don’t die from getting your face burned off!
Zayday: YES YOU DO!!!
At first, Grace huffs and puffs in undignified anger, threatening to report this incident to the police right away. Somehow, Chantel #1 managed to turn the tables against her, bribing and blackmailing everyone else in the sorority to pin the murder on that tattletale Grace instead. *lolpwnt*
Grace: You’re an AWFUL person.
Chantel #1: Maybe. But I’m rich and I’m pretty, so it doesn’t really matter.
Afterwards, the sorority sisters made a pact to keep Ms. Bean’s death as a secret between them. You gotta love how Chantel managed to convince eight other girls to cover up HER felony. As for the deep fried corpse, they simply shoved it into some random meat locker for safekeeping. *lolololol dis show*
Episode 2: Hell Week
Denise: ♪ Denise is my name, security is my game, I gotta watch these white girls so I can get paid. ♪ *finger snap*
Originally hired to protect the sorority girls after a string of murders, Denise is supposed to be a street-smart security guard who talks a big game. She may not have a gun, but she is equipped with a nightstick, pepper spray, and a walkie-talkie that she can use to call the police who do have guns.
Chanel #1: What good are you!? We can call the police ourselves!
Denise: Well, with Denise Hemphill on the scene, you’re not gonna have to!
STEP 1: If you’re in danger, scream Denise Hemphill’s name real loud and she’ll come a-runnin’.
STEP 2: If Denise doesn’t come a-runnin’, call 1-866-KLJ-0199. She’ll be notified on her walkie-talkie immediately and come a-runnin’. (She’d give you her number, but her cell phone is off right now.)
STEP 3: If you can’t get through the call because of the long wait times, then GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE. Run away real fast, get outta there, scram! Once you get to a place that you deem to be safe, then call 1-866-KLJ-0199.
Denise: You think the serial killer is still up there!?!?
Dumb Bitches: Yeah! Let’s go!
Denise: GO WHERE!?
Dumb Bitches: Upstairs to get the killer before he gets away!
Denise: AWWW AWWW AWWW HELLLLL NOOOOOO!!!!! You just said that you think the killer is up there and that’s where you wanna go!? That’s INSANE!!! What you need to do is run out this door! *watches the girls run upstairs anyway* YOU DUMB GIRLS ARE SO STUPID! Y’ALL GONNA GET YOURSELVES KILLED!!!
Bless you, Denise. Every horror movie needs to have a character like her. AWWW HELL NAWWW.
SHONDELL WHY YOU GOT A KNIFE IN YO THROAT!?!?!?
At this point, I was keeled over wiping tears from my face and dying of laughter. I can’t help it, just seeing the look of panic in her face and hearing the sheer terror in her voice, on top of listening to those ridiculous words “WHY YOU GOT A KNIFE IN YO THROAT” uttered out loud. Everything about this scene was perfection.
VICTIM: RIP Shondell (WHY YOU GOT A KNIFE IN YO THROAT)
BRUTALITY: (knife to the throat)
CREATIVITY: (+1 for Shondell’s tongue-in-cheek reference to the Serial podcast: “Ain’t nuthin’ going on at no Best Buy parking lot! Name one bad thing that ever happened at a Best Buy parking lot!” *guffaws* *gets stabbed*)
Boone: Hey Chad? I’m really scared. You know with a serial killer on the loose, I was having trouble sleeping. You know, it’d really help me feel better if I can just, like, crawl into bed with you?
In recent years, Nick Jonas has been deliberately seeking out gay acting roles (he also plays a gae on that boxing show or whatever). He’s also very eager to ~reach out~ to the LGBT community to promote his love for the gays and also to promote his new album btw. Some would say that Mr. Jonas is a career-savvy celebrity that surmised his fan base is of a certain demographic and clearly tries to pander towards them. Some might even call it gay-baiting. I, for one, will never tire of seeing Nick Jonas go gay so I hope he continues playing into this niche for a very long time. :3
Boone: I said I was sorry! It was a one-time thing.
Fess up, how many of you have touched your best friend’s weiner before? Despite his protests, Chad still invites Boone into his bed and lets him be the big spoon to his little spoon. You can try to fight it all you want, but at the end of the day, who wouldn’t want to cuddle next to Nick Jonas in their beds?
Chad: This is not what it looks like!
Chanel: HE HAS A HUGE BONER! *points at Boone* I can’t believe this, you’re gay!?
Chad: Uh, no. Boone was scared, so I let him crawl into bed with me cuz he’s my bro.
Chanel: He’s your GAY bro who has a big boner for you. Why don’t you go in there and ogle his big old BRONER!?
Chad: I’m sorry that everyone wants to have sex with me, I can’t help that. Newsflash, Chanel, I’m hot. Everyone wants to get with this. Women, men, animals in the zoo, plants probably.
BRONER is the word of the day and I encourage everyone to obnoxiously include it into your everyday conversation as much as possible.
In fact, I’m not sure if such raw, unadulterated eroticism can be described in words, but try I must. Imagine Nick Jonas, shirtless obviously. He is hot and sweaty, flexing and grunting, kissing his biceps and making all sorts of orgasm faces. Now imagine you watching the show, mesmerized obviously. You are wet and moisty, drooling and salivating, reaching your hands downwards and grabbing a box of tissues.
When the Dicky Dollar Scholars (the golfing fraternity on campus) discover Boone’s body, all five guys burst into the most hilariously outlandish screams ever. Think sissy screams and wringed wrists and crossed legs and gaping O faces. Y’know, this show may not have the strongest actors, but everyone in the cast can give a damn good *scream face*.
In case you’re sceptical about how Boone managed to stop his breathing and his heartbeat so much that he even fooled a professional coroner, the show actually addresses this in a much later episode, believe it or not. Whether the explanation seems plausible is a whole different story though. Nevertheless, congratulations on covering your illogical plot holes with even more illogical solutions, Scream Queens!
However, there was one particular scene that piqued my interest when Pete took off his clothes and stripped down to his underwear. ;D He looked v. sexy despite doing dorky things like *sniffing his armpits* and *caressing his hair*. Pete was obviously hoping to get some tail, but unfortunately Grace is a bit of a boring prude so there’ll be no hanky panky between them until they catch the serial killer. Nude Pete is literally the only reason why I’ve any desire to watch their boring ass investigation and now Grace wants to take that prospect away from me too. “Umm…can you put some clothes on?” Grace winced uncomfortably during this scene. Like wtf girl, stop talking, you’re the worst.