|GUESS WHO’S GETTING LUCKY TONIGHT. Andrew might not have sex with his wife for months, but this guy sure knows how to make that moment feel ~*special*~. He decorated the house with white rose petals and scented candles everywhere. For a moment there, I thought he was going to bring out the blaring trumpets and a street parade as well. Talk about a guy who’s committed to getting laid. He even wore his SEXAY SUSPENDERS for this occasion!|
|After watching this episode, all the married women are like “Wow, I’m never gonna have sex with my husband again unless he romances me with candles and a trail of rose petals to my bedroom.” And all the married men are like searching for the nearest florist in the local area while cursing this Andrew douchebag in their heads.|
|Andrew gives her a gentle reminder that it’s their six-year anniversary tomorrow, but he wants to get a head start at all the hot passionate sex they’re gonna have tonight.
Andrew: Happy anniversary! Can you believe it has been six years? It feels like…
|Touched by his affectionate gesture, Bridget is like ILU! Andrew gets all teary-eyed and goes ILU2BB! And then they kiss and I’m like melted into a puddle of mushiness by now. The two of them are just so sweet and romantic and sexy and complicated and scandalous and so wrong yet so right and hot and passionate and magical and perfect and omg omg omg omg omg~~~|
|Does anyone get really nervous when people have sex inside a candlelit bedroom? I know it’s supposed to be romantic, but I’m just worried that someone will accidentally stretch out their leg, kick into a candle, and then the whole fucking place burns down!!!|
|There has been some discussion that Andrew might realize there’s something different about Bridget once they have sex together. And I’m like OH PLEASE, this is the same oblivious man who didn’t even notice his wife is missing a gigantic scar on her wrist! As if he’s going to pay any attention to her bedroom discrepancies while Bridget is fondling with his balls!|
|Meanwhile, Siobhan is trying to get into Tyler’s good graces after that last fiasco of a dinner. She spins some outrageous bullshit lie as damage control, but the pretty boy’s ego is too bruised and he just makes these *pouty* faces at her.
Tyler: Go away, Siobhan. *pouts* IF THAT IS EVEN YOUR REAL NAME. *pouts* I knew I should’ve just stuck to whacking off to hotel room porn instead of getting involved in a complicated relationship. Now I’m the mistress to my boss’ wife! *pouts* *pouts* *pouts*
|Speaking of bruises, Siobhan came prepared with one! In order to garner sympathy from Tyler, she made it seem like Andrew was some abusive wife beater and that he gave her a smacker straight in the eye!|
|Oh, you might look at her black eye at first and go “Oh Siobhan, that’s a pretty good make-up job you have going on.” But nope, that bruise is real. No kidding, the bitch ACTUALLY SLAMS HER HEAD INTO A MEDICAL CABINET to get that black eye!!!|
|WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT TO THEMSELVES!?!?!? *LMAO*
Oh Siobhan, you hilarious deranged bitch. Whatever the hell is wrong with you, please never change your crazy ways.
|Can you imagine if Siobhan nearly lost an eye just to tell a lie that Tyler doesn’t even believe in? *lol* She goes off on some tangent about ~*falling in love with him*~ during their time spent together. The bitch is clearly spewing bullshit, but Tyler has some weird hero complex and he kinda gets sucked back into her manipulative mind games once again.|
|Happy six week fake anniversary! Can you believe it has been six weeks since Bridget ran away from a mob boss, thought her twin sister committed suicide, hid a dead body, got bitchslapped, broke off her fake affair, lost a fake baby, had sex with her fake husband, and planted her fake handprints on a missing person investigation? Go on, Bridget. You earned that kiss.|
|Remember when Bridget used to put out just because Malcolm bought a cake for her? Well, now Miss Fancypants has to be wooed with *rose petals* and *candles*. Poor Malcolm, after all he has done for her, must be pretty chaffed that she already parked her wagon next to a wealthy Welsh stallion. He used to be her former love interest, but Bridget dropped him faster than she dropped her drug habit!|
|ADORABLE GEMMA PIXSPAM!!!
The cat is finally out of the bag. Malcolm and Bridget know that Charlie is holding Gemma captive after finding her cell phone inside his house. They try to call the cops on him, but it kinda backfires since they arrest Malcolm instead. Another wonderful demonstration of the competent police force on this show.
|BTW, these two generic police detectives keep popping up in the show, so I’m forced to acknowledge their existence in the episode recaps. I’m not sure what their names are and frankly I’m not too bothered about finding out. From now on, until further notice, they shall be addressed as Lady Cop and Other Cop.|
|The unintentionally funniest line of the episode goes to Lady Cop when she brings Malcolm in for police questioning.
Bridget: You think Malcolm is involved in this!?
Her words, not mine. Thanks for confirming what we already know though.
|Speaking of incompetent police duos, it breaks my heart that Agent Machado and his detective boyfriend are no longer partners after this episode. Like, I’m probably the only viewer who ships Machamper (ship captain, y’all) or even give a damn about these two. IDK maybe I’m just conditioned to think this way due to all the bromance cop shows I watch. But didn’t it seem like Machado was especially vulnerable in this episode and Jimmy was inches away from diving in for a kiss at some point? No? Just me on this lonely ship?|
|Long story short, Agent Machado discovers that Jimmy is a rogue cop working as a spy for Bodaway Macawi. Wait, now I’m confused. I thought he was in cahoots with Siobhan and Charlie? Or is he working for both parties at once? Or do Siobhan and Macawi have some coalition of evil going on?
WTF. This guy is not even a double agent anymore. He’s more like a quadruple agent with multiple allegiances to pretty much everyone. Who is this guy really working for???
|At least Jimmy got arrested, so we might get some more answers out of him in future episodes. And if you think this arrest will sink the Machamper ship, you can think again my friend. As if I’m not totally gonna write slash fanfiction about the good cop versus bad cop in the interrogation room. Oh please.|
|Oh and Amber Benson was on the show too, playing a secret confidante and a dead stripper friend of Bridget’s. She had one short scene and kinda got killed like five seconds into her introduction, so it was a rather anticlimactic cameo.
Tara: If you find Buffy, tell her that I miss her? *dies*
|Juliet is still hot for teacher in this increasingly annoying school storyline. Even Andrea, her random friend for the episode, thinks finding teachers attractive is kinda gross because they’re so old and they wear ties and ew ew ew.
Juliet: Ties are sexy and he’s only thirty. Besides, Bella married Edward when she’s only a teenager and he’s like four hundred.
OMG SHOCKER. I totally did not peg Juliet as a Twilight geek. She just seemed more like a Gossip Girl or The Vampire Diaries kind of stan, you know? I actually think a little less of her now, sorry to say.
|Juliet throws her tight teenage body at Mr. Carpenter, but he’s like EW GIRL COOTIES whenever they interact. It’s painstakingly obvious that he couldn’t want any less to do with her skanky ass.|
|Mr. Carpenter basically puts Juliet in her place and yells at the bitch that NO MEANS NO. But then, Mr. C kicks Andrea out of the classroom just so that he can have a ~*private chat*~ with Juliet…alone. Oh dear. Of all the terrible implications, what kind of teacher would publicly proposition a one-on-one with a flirtatious student behind locked doors?|
|Oh gee, I wonder what important and valuable life lesson that a teacher has to share with his young attractive student all alone in the classroom. Will Mr. C take out a Shakespeare textbook and show Juliet his Romeo, so to speak? *cringe* JUST LIKE THAT BAD PUN, THIS WON’T END WELL.|
|We don’t see the full exchange between Juliet and her teacher, but her version of the story is that they had sex in the classroom. Afterwards, Andrea is all like OOH YOU GO GET SOME, but then Juliet is like NO WAIT HE ACTUALLY RAPED ME. And Andrea is like OOH THERE YOU GO WITH YOUR KINKY FANTASIES, YOU TRIPPING GURL. But Juliet is like UM, I AM DEAD SERIOUS. And Andrea is like…THE FUCK!?|
|IDK. This is such an icky overdone storyline. It’s also hard to approach such a sensitive topic. Call me cynical, but I think Juliet is hiding an evil maniacal grin behind that hand. She’s probably lying her ass off to save face after getting rejected, or at least that’s what I’m led to believe. Then again, I’d feel like a bloody goddamn awful person if it turns out I was actually making fun of a rape victim. So, all I know is this student fucker storyline won’t end well for anyone.|
|Now that Charlie can finally drop the whole nice guy act, the evil bastard outright admits to kidnapping Gemma and he won’t let her go unless Bridget pays a ransom fee of $250,000. Bridget acts all shocked that he has done all this for *MONEY* because that almost seems too normal of a motivation to kidnap someone on this show. Where’s the crazy convoluted conspiracy, Charlie!?|
|Bridget and her GINORMOUS RING are very upset about the ransom request. She can’t call the cops because Gemma’s life is at stake. Finally, she breaks down in front of Andrew, because I think SMG is contractually required to cry these crocodile tears in every episode.|
|Bridget has raised $40,000 from her personal savings, but where else is she going to find the rest of the money??? But volia, Andrew presents his anniversary gift for her: a diamond ring that is conveniently priced at over two hundred thousand dollars, just enough to pay for Gemma’s ransom! *lol* Oh this show, I can’t even.|
|Eat your heart out, Malcolm. How can you ever compete with Andrew and his $200,000+ anniversary rings? A sobriety chip is nice, but diamonds are forever~~~|
|Oh my word, Henry! The seventies called, they want their look back. This guy made some questionable wardrobe choices in the past (remember that Matrix trench coat of doom?) but this takes the cake in terms of bizarreness. I’m not really sure what’s going on with those vintage sunglasses, the grey tweed blazer and that tight black turtleneck. Henry is dressed like he just came back after time travelling from several decades ago. Very WTF.|
|I’m also not sure what the situation is with HIS HAIR, which is normally flawless, but today it seems like he took a rolling pin and steamrolled it over his head. What is going on with Henry’s styling!? Is he supposed to look like such a hot trainwreck mess? If so, mission accomplished!|
|Since Henry wrongly suspects that Bridget has something to do with his wife’s disappearance, he asks Lady Cop to trail her on her way to pay off the ransom. OH NOW YOU WANNA CALL THE COPS, HUH HENRY? Unfortunately, Charlie gets spooked by the police and does not show up at the meeting place. Instead, he decides that killing off Gemma would be the much easier thing to do.
So well done, Henry! You and your meddling black turtleneck are the reason why Gemma will now be dead, dead, dead!
|Look, Original Gemma is back! For real, this time! None of that “let’s cover up your face with masking tape so the imposter’s identity is undistinguishable” crap from previous episodes! Too bad the real actress was basically brought back just to die a horrible on-death scene anyway. Let me get my trademark death haiku ready…|
|Oh wait, Gemma survived an on-point gunshot? How is she still alive? WTF!?
It turns out that Charlie has horrible aim (~*that’s what she said*~) even though he is an ex-cop who’s firing a gun, less than one foot away, at a static target inside his car trunk. WHAT THE FUCK??? HOW COULD ANYONE POSSIBLY MISS THAT SHOT!?!?!? Dude, I could stand there with my eyes closed, having never fired a gun before, and I’d STILL hit the target ten times out of ten. For shame, Charlie! For real shame!
|THAT’S FOR TRYING TO KILL ME, YOU WHOOOOORE.
Queen Gemma lives! Gemma escapes! Gemma sledgehammers her kidnapper and tells him that’s what he gets for trying to kill her ass! Gemma is back, baby! Gemma is alive and kicking so much ass!
|And then, Gemma is…shot dead again? *lol* WTF whiplash! Just when you thought she was in the clear, the stupid bitch was too busy finding the car keys instead of running away or doing something to stop her aggressor. Once Charlie regains consciousness, he quickly ends her life, but not without saying that Siobhan – and not Bridget – is the real mastermind behind her murder. And Gemma is like THANKS FOR ENDING MAH LIFE ON AN UNRESOLVED CLIFFHANGER, ASSHO- *shot to death*|
|And then Gemma is dead for real this time…I think. Can someone check her pulse just to make sure? Every time I declare her dead, the bitch keeps getting resurrected like a persevering cat with nine lives. I’m not fully convinced that she doesn’t have a bulletproof vest underneath her dress or something, considering the ridiculous plot-driven logic in this show.
Gemma may be dead
But her legacy lives on
Bitchslap queen for life!
|Just when Charlie is trying to clean up the dead body, guess who makes a surprise appearance! Siobhan is pissed off that he defied her instructions and killed her best friend, even though her direct orders were to keep Gemma alive.|
|Even with a gun pointed at his face, Charlie acts like a cocky son of a bitch and starts taunting Siobhan that she’s too cowardly to kill anyone for good. Couldn’t kill her twin sister. Couldn’t kill her best friend. Couldn’t even kill him.
Charlie: You’re not gonna kill me, Siobhan. You said so yourself, you need me.
|Charlie: Give it up, Siobhan. You may be a liar, an adulterer, a glorified prostitute, a manipulative ho, a control freak, a power hungry villain with an unholy god complex and a real bitch, but I know you are NOT a killer.
Siobhan: Oh, is that a challenge bb? *bang*
|BAM!!! And unlike a certain someone I know, Siobhan actually hits her target the first time around! With a bullet right through his skull, Charlie (or is it John?) is DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!
Ex-cop; hired hit man
Yet he couldn’t fire a gun
Aim better next time!
Meh. Charlie/John was such a beta villain anyway. He won’t be missed.
|Oh man, can you imagine having your fake friend’s murder coincide with the same day as your fake marriage anniversary? What a real mood killer! Guess Andrew and Bridget won’t be partaking in any candlelit bedroom celebrations tonight.|
|OOOH YESSSSS!!! I love this shit! The baby daddy drama is back on swinging in full force! Just as Bridget’s fake pregnancy storyline fizzled out over the last few episodes, we now have another male suitor who thinks he knocked up one of the twins.|
|Tyler found a surprise pregnancy test as he was clearing out Siobhan’s hotel room in Paris, and he automatically assumes that he spread his jam over her slices of bread. Gotta suck to be him. All that money earned from international investment banking, and he couldn’t even afford to buy some protection.|
|Tyler: SIOBHAN ARE YOU PREGNANT!?
Siobhan: ……yeah, I guess?
Tyler: OMG OMG OMG. *hyperventilating* IS IT MINE!?
Siobhan: Uh…sure, why not?
|Near the end of the episode, Bridget nearly breaks the fourth wall and begs the viewers to keep watching Ringer despite its abysmal ratings and likely cancellation. She’s pretty much like: “OMG YOU GUYS, WE STILL HAVE SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS! THE MYSTERY IS JUST BEGINNING! *concerned constipated face* PLEASE KEEP WATCHING OUR SHOW NEXT JANUARY!!!”|
|CUE EPIC ADELE EXIT SONG!
BTW I love these ~*dramatic*~ split screens and hope the editors continue to abuse them in the second half of the season.
BTWBTW If you need a reason to watch next episode, the online promo shows SMG naked in the shower AND she’s rocking a mean fringe. You gotta see it to believe it~
BTWBTWBTW I, of course, will be recapping this hilariously fun show until the bitter end. See you next January!