|Before we start this Ringer recap, can we just get all the pretences out of the way? This is not a quality show. If you are seeking a sophisticated film noir thriller, you better look elsewhere. On the contrary, if you don’t mind watching a cheaply produced campy soap opera that’s ultimately a guilty pleasure, then Ringer is gonna be a lot of fun. The premise of a twin leading a double life is plucked straight from a soap opera script, and I detect there to be so much trainwreck potential within the story!|
|At first, I was worried this show wouldn’t live up to its hype, especially with all the publicity over the return of *flashing neon sign* SARAH! MICHELLE! GELLAR! But the pilot episode didn’t disappoint at all. It was campy, deliciously bad, and still enjoyable at the same time. All things considered, I’m pretty sure Ringer will be my favourite new TV program of the season.|
|The story of Ringer features a dysfunctional woman named Bridget, a recovering addict who happens to be a key witness in a murder trial. Her testimony can indict some badass criminal lord, but Bridget is scared ~*shitless*~ that her life is in danger. When the bad guy’s name is Bodaway Macawi, he doesn’t seem like someone who will forgive and forget a squealer that put him in jail.|
|Bridget doesn’t trust the witness protection program at all, which is a reasonable concern, considering her security guy is TOTAL WEAKSAUCE. Seriously, the dude got overtaken by a strung out druggie! If a scrawny bitch like Bridget managed to beat up the police officer, can you imagine what a fucking criminal boss would do when he comes knocking at the door??? So yeah, Bridget was smart to escape from police captivity while she still can.|
|As Bridget goes into hiding, she makes contact with her estranged twin sister Siobhan, who appears to lead the perfect pristine life on the surface. The two sisters are quite different in every way – Bridget is a hot mess, whereas Siobhan resembles an ice queen.|
|If having one copy of Sarah Michelle Gellar isn’t enough for your fancy, does multiplying her by two mean that we get twice the awesomeness?|
|Ringer goes out of its way to show that Bridget and Siobhan are OMG TWO DISTINCT PEOPLE Y’ALL. Mind you, they did an okay job playing around with the reflections and camera angles, but they’re obviously trying *so* hard to prove these two characters aren’t the same person. In actuality, Siobhan is pretty much Bridget with her hair tied up and a perma-sneer expression.|
|In the first fifteen minutes of Ringer, the show tries to cram in as much plotlines as possible, including the fact that Bridget allegedly killed Siobhan’s baby son years ago. But I’m gonna fast forward through this recap, because none of this expository crap is actually important for the time being. I just wanna hurry up and get to my favourite part of the pilot…|
|OMG. The infamous boat scene is by far the most memorable part of the premiere, because this show ~*VIOLATED*~ the green screen in the most brutal way possible. Seriously, Ringer? I’ve seen better visual effects in a weather report during the evening news. For such a pivotal scene, the production values here were so laughably shoddy. It reminded me of those prize showcases on The Price Is Right, where they present the items in front of an obviously fake green screen background.|
|It’s like they park the boat in front of a green screen, rock the vehicle a couple of times, and then expect the viewers to believe that she’s actually stranded in the ocean.|
|I think I fell in love with Ringer at this exact moment. It makes me laugh every time I watch this. Can’t you just literally picture Sarah Michelle Gellar in front of a green screen, rocking up and down, with a wind machine blowing against her face? How can this not be funny?|
|*fabulous* HAI GURL HAI~~~|
|Anyway, the context for this scene is that Siobhan takes Bridget on a boat trip getaway. When Bridget wakes up, however, she’s alone on the boat. Her sister is nowhere to be seen.
It takes a pretty big leap of imagination to go from OMG MY SISTER IS MISSING to OMG MY SISTER MUST HAVE KILLED HERSELF. I’m not sure how an abandoned wedding ring constitutes as a suicide note. Never mind this is such a convoluted way for anyone to off themselves. Ever heard of a noose? But for the sake of maintaining the thinly veiled premise, let’s just go along with these crazy shenanigans.
|One thing you need to know about Bridget is that she’s kind of a dumb bitch. Oh, go ahead and look for your missing sister in the middle of the ocean! I’m sure Siobhan was just taking a cheeky skinny dip! She’ll surface any minute now!|
|Before her mysterious disappearance, Siobhan conveniently leaves behind all of her identification and possessions within her sister’s reach. Despite these very suspicious circumstances (*cough* her death is faker than that green screen), Bridget laps it up anyway. She sees this as an opportunity to adopt her sister’s identity and start a new life for herself.|
|I hope they don’t hammer in this mirror motif too much, because it’s already getting kinda old by the first episode. Okay, we get it! This is a thematic show about dual identities, double lives, and all that jazz! I’m dreading the future episode where Bridget stares into her reflection on a shattered mirror, because you know that type of cheesy camera shot is so gonna happen on this show.|
|Ew classless much, Siobhan? What kind of self-respecting ho will put her shoe collection right on top of her lingerie drawer?
Bridget stole a gun from the police officer and probably caused that poor sucker to be fired from his job. She hides it in a drawer at first, but has to relocate the weapon later on because of the plot direction.
|I’m not sure if Bridget has a game plan while masquerading as her sister, but she soon realizes that it’s quite difficult to behave like Siobhan. Her fake husband Andrew (Ioan Gruffudd) immediately detects something different about her, but he’s like “I would ask why you are acting so weirdly if I actually gave a damn about you, which I don’t. Goodnight!”|
|Her best friend Gemma doesn’t notice anything different about Bridget, but this bitch is too preoccupied whining about her failed marriage to anybody who would listen.
Gemma: Last time I saw Henry naked was right before the twins turned three last year. I think Henry is having an affair. I can’t stand to look at him, let alone sleep next to him. I’ll be fine. I’ll just hook up with one of the workmen. I’m sure contractors make more money than out-of-work novelists.
|Throughout the episode, Bridget notices that she’s being stalked by a handsome secret admirer, who is later revealed to be Gemma’s husband. Yep, just like a typical soap opera, Siobhan has been cheating on her best friend’s hubby. When you scratch away all the superficial film noir glossiness, you’ll realize that Ringer is essentially a soap drama about Sarah Michelle Gellar and her crew of boy toys, so of course the show includes plenty of *juicy adultery*!|
|Bridget starts freaking out that Siobhan’s marriage is a sham and her sister is secretly an adulterer. Henry (Kristoffer Polaha) might feel remorseless over their relationship, but Bridget has no desire to be the Leann Rimes to his Eddie Cibrian.|
|Kristopher Polaha is becoming like the heartthrob of The CW, isn’t he? This is like his third TV show on the network after his previous attempts failed over the past couple of years. The poor guy and his agent probably got their hopes up when Ringer was intended to be a CBS show, only for it to be passed down to its ugly stepsister channel instead.|
|Bridget tries to fix her fake marriage, but it appears to be beyond repair. Andrew doesn’t understand her motivations: WHY U SO HOT & COLD ALL OF A SUDDEN, WOMAN? He even accuses her of playing mind games by pretending to be nice to him.|
|Bridget: What if I don’t want to play games anymore?
Andrew: Well, that’ll be a first.
Bridget: I’m serious. Why can’t we just be nice to each other, for real?
Andrew: Who are you? *suspicious eyes* You’re just so different. Just relaxed and agreeable.
Bridget: And you don’t like it?
Andrew: No, I LOVE IT!!! *pause* I just don’t believe it.
|Siobhan is also the wicked stepmother to Andrew’s birth daughter, but make no mistake – Juliet is no sweet innocent Cinderella either. We’re introduced to her character as she plays a kinky sex game with some naked hottie. Recap Everything approves of her actions and encourages Juliet to continue being an oversexed teenage caricature, as long as she maintains this consistent quality in her bed companions.|
|Ringer is a show that deviates from the typical formula on The CW since most of the cast are adults (who all act like teenagers, but nonetheless). In order to retain their target demographic, Andrew’s daughter Juliet acts like a bratty annoying teenage cliché who does drugs, has lots of sex, and hates her parents. It wouldn’t be The CW without including a hot mess of a teenager, so Juliet is a welcomed addition to the show.|
|Victor Machado (played by Nestor Carbonell, most known for his mascara eyelashes) is a FBI agent who’s looking for Bridget. His search leads him to Siobhan’s life instead. Bridget lies through gritted teeth, but Agent Machado senses that the twin sister knows more than she’s letting on.
My prediction is that the cat and mouse game will continue throughout the season, and probably won’t reach a satisfying conclusion until near the finale.
|Bridget, you’re in danja gurl! Not only is the police force after her, but the mob gang is also hunting for their runaway witness. We don’t know anything about the bad guy Bodaway Macawi except for his badass name, but this guy has the makings to become the best ~*non-speaking*~ television villain ever.|
|This dude is actually my favourite character on the show so far. Just look at the intensity in his eyebrows! He’s so fierce!|
|*dramatic zoom-in* O YA I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP. DUN DUN DUN~~~|
|In other plot development news, the doctor is like WTF SIOBHAN IS PREGNANT? But Bridget is like WTF I’M PREGNANT? And Andrew is like WTF YOU’RE PREGNANT? Meanwhile, I’m just like *lol trainwreck*|
|Oy vey, another mirror. Okay we know you’ve aged very well in your cryogenic tube Sarah Michelle Gellar, but you can stop looking at yourself now.|
|The cast attends a fundraiser together, because rich people apparently spend their time standing around, sipping champagne, and gossiping about each other’s lives. Andrew and Gemma remain oblivious to Bridget’s pregnancy announcement, but Henry immediately knows that he’s the real baby daddy.|
|Henry insists that he was the one who planted the seeds inside Siobhan since they SLEPT TOGETHER A THOUSAND TIMES (his words, not mine). He wants them to go public together, but Bridget is like DO NOT WANT. In the end, Henry gives Bridget an ultimatum – either she leave her husband or this secret sordid affair is ~*over*~.|
|Henry: If you don’t leave him, we’re over. Make a choice. Him or me.
Bridget: um yea I choose him kthxbye *walks away*
Henry: …I kinda set myself up for that one. ;_;
|Near the end of the episode, Gemma tells Bridget that she knows the identity of her husband’s mistress. The two friends are supposed to meet at the loft for a late night bitchfest.|
|Unfortunately, Bridget finds a masked assassin at the loft instead, and he’s anything but friendly.|
|Poor Mr. Assassin Man, you fail so much. I wouldn’t quit my day job if I were you. Oh wait.
But hey, kudos to Bridget for kicking some serious ass! She might be oh so stupid, but this bitch already took down a police officer AND a professional hit man within one episode. Bridget got a little Buffy inside her after all.
|It turns out the hit was actually placed on Siobhan, and someone was hired to end her life, which means Bridget is not exactly safe in her new identity after all.|
|OMG SHOCKER!!! (no, not really)
At the end of the episode, we find out that Siobhan is actually alive. Someone informs her over the phone that there’s a “problem”, but then she hangs up on the call before he could say anything else. Like WTF? Who does that!? Rude much???
|And there we have it, the first episode of an amazingly campy series! I’ll be recapping Ringer on a regular basis, but let me just get this out of my system:
ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING MIRRORS ALREADY!!!