It’s an epic episode of Pretty Little Liars featuring a tutorial on how to get away with (first-degree) murder. We also get sappy love triangle drama, steamy elevator sex, and most importantly Queen Jenna’s magnificent return from the underworld!
Um Spencer, it’s NOT first-degree murder?
The other explanation is obviously MAGIC. Yet, if the girls can magically poof these shovels into existence, they should be able to magically poof some gloves for themselves too. Let’s cover up a crime scene while leaving our grubby fingerprints & our muddy footprints over everywhere, yay!
Spencer: We’ve been over this, Aria! No one’s gonna believe us when we have every reason in the world to have wanted him dead!
Poor Aria. Imagine being a normal person with enough common sense to realize that you should call the cops instead of needlessly committing a felony, only to be treated by everybody else as if YOU are the irrational one. All the pretty little liars had to do was fill in paperwork at the collision centre, shed a few crocodile tears, and lawyer up before any manslaughter charges are inevitably dropped. Instead, they go around behaving like criminal masterminds when these bitches aren’t even capable of covering up a pimple, let alone a dead body.
Lemme assure you that nothing these bitches are doing would constitute as a “well thought-out plan” whatsoever lmao. And correct me if I’m wrong, but this isn’t first-degree murder? Elliott jumped in front of the car, Hanna couldn’t stop it in time, that’s simply a car accident as far as I’m concerned. It’s manslaughter yes, it’s premeditated no. You’d think Miss Hastings would know her legal jargon better since both her parents are lawyers, but leave it to Spencer to make up her own code of law. In her justice system: *accidentally steps on an ant* = *FIRST! DEGREE! MURDER!*
Spencer: Yeah, what truth is that!? The one where Hanna doesn’t know the right pedal from the left?
SHOTS FIRED, BEEYOTCH! You’d think Hanna might want to hear some reassuring words from her friends after such a traumatic experience, but Spencer does the exact opposite and delivers a super bitchy remark that hits below the belt. In case you were wondering, that hilarious burn was rude and unnecessary and TOTALLY INTENTIONAL. Don’t think for a moment Spencer didn’t say it out of spite. It’s no surprise Hanna can’t tell the difference between the right pedal from the left… we know she has a hard enough time distinguishing between my boyfriend and hers.
Just then, we see Alison sauntering towards Elliott’s grave like a zombie. She looked like the bride of the dead with her ghastly white make-up and her ragged hospital robe. All of a sudden, she drops down to her knees and leans into the burial mound! For a moment, I thought Ali had gone LEGIT MAD and she was gonna JUMP into the grave! It turns out she was just grabbing the access card from his dead corpse, but originally I expected the crazy bitch to dive in there going like “until death do us part, my beloved husband!” *bungee jumps*
Alison was smart to distance herself from their plotting so that she wouldn’t be incriminated. If these bitches go down for covering up a murder, her hands are clean of blood. In other words, Alison is just following Taylor Swift’s life mantra: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I never asked to be a part of.
Aria: For vehicular manslaughter.
1.) Imagine my surprise when Aria actually knew it was called vehicular manslaughter. Please share this knowledge with Spencer so that she won’t misuse *FIRST! DEGREE! MURDER!* as an all-encompassing term to describe every single death. Spencer’s logic: ZOMG! Hurricane Katrina committed first-degree murder!
2.) The irony is that Hanna wouldn’t have gone to jail for the manslaughter, but now she’s gonna get convicted for hit-and-run, falsifying evidence, tampering with the evidence & obstruction of justice, all of which could’ve been avoided if she just confessed in the first place. lolwhoops!
Spencer: You used to make fun of me for carrying these around, but now who’s an uptight nerd?
Emily: You! Still you!
In case you’re wondering what else Spencer keeps in her carry-on inventory: hand sanitizer, moist towelettes, baby wipes, scented soap, shampoo, toothpaste, mouthwash, and three rolls of toilet paper because you never know when you’ll need them!
This Spaleb scene is EPIC AF
Spencer: If Mr. Mizzari could see me right now, I would’ve gotten the part of Lady Macbeth.
I don’t think so, Spence. She’d get the part of Lady Macbeth at first, but then Hanna comes in to seduce Mr. Mizzari and steal the role from her, leaving Spencer as the understudy instead.
Hanna: Spencer, can we just please move forward!?
On the contrary, I think Spencer is moving forward considering she just helped Hanna bury a dead body because of the loyalty towards her friend. If she was being petty, Spencer could’ve easily called 911 and turned in Hanna to the police: “Hello, I’d like to report a hit-and-run driver and I’m ready to testify against her any time in court.” Spencer could take her personal vendetta in a whole different direction, so maybe Hanna should stfu and act more grateful m’kay?
OMFG. I hate having to eat my own words after I talked so much shit about the terrible storyline that is the HALEB VS. SPALEB love triangle, but this next scene is seriously EPIC as fuck. They couldn’t have put the three characters in a more compromising and more vulnerable position to maximize the drama. It almost makes up for all the agony from this awful love triangle subplot up until now. We had to sit through 99 boring scenes of Caleb waffling between Spencer and Hanna before we finally get one juicy scene that’s worth a damn.
1.) There’s Caleb banging furiously at the doorstep.
2.) His gf is on the other side preventing him from coming in.
3.) His ex stands two feet away hiding in a corner.
4.) Somewhere in between, there’s a trash can filled with forensic evidence of the first-degree murder they covered up.
None of these people should be anywhere near each other right now, yet here they all are in one confined room together. It’s like putting a box of matches next to a can of gasoline next to a house already on fire, where the drama just essentially writes itself.
Caleb: Can you let me in please!?
Spencer: *awks* I can’t really do this right now…
Naturally, there’s a sick part of me rooting for Caleb to come inside, because can you even imagine the drama!? I honestly wouldn’t know what to expect if Caleb forced his way into the room and saw his two lovers together after they’ve just buried a dead body. There could be tears, there could be arguments, there could be a bloodbath, there could be a threesome, there could be three-way murder-suicide pacts, anything goes in this free-for-all!
Spencer: Okay Caleb, I really can’t hear this right now!
The reason why Caleb came by is to salvage the Spaleb relationship yet again, except everything he’s saying to Spencer can be overheard by Hanna as well. *lolawks* If I was Spencer, this would be the perfect time to think strategically and force Caleb to confess truths that he’d never dare to admit to Hanna. Questions like “Hey Caleb, who’s better at oral? Me or Hanna?” would give her an advantage because you know Caleb would say anything just to appease his girlfriend. “Hey Caleb, say that you love me more than Hanna…IN A REALLY LOUD VOICE.”
Caleb: It was confusing, but that’s all it was. It was a moment of confusion.
Spencer: I’m begging you, just leeeeave!
I can understand if you were confused over solving a tricky math equation, but how can anybody get confused over whose lips to kiss? *lolwut* No wonder Spencer was begging him to leave, because Caleb made such a debacle out of his apology that even she felt second-hand embarrassment on his behalf.
k cool story, bro. What Caleb just described certainly sounds romantic enough, but why didn’t we get to see the scenes? We keep hearing about how Spaleb had a star-crossed, transatlantic romance where they supposedly fell in love, yet we never see it happening on-screen. I feel like I’m getting the abridged audiobook version of Spaleb’s romance when it’s the international cinematic release that I asked for instead.
What does everyone think about this particular comment? All I heard was a bunch of filler words followed by *CLEFT IN YOUR CHIN* in big bolded all-caps. I understand the intimacy behind the remark, but it was also very…cringey. I mean, did Caleb draw a complete blank when he was coming up with a list of physical features to describe Spencer? Personally, I don’t know that I’d feel flattered if my boyfriend talked about my cleft chin like a fingerlicking good piece of chicken from the KFC.
Spencer: Yeah, of course I remember that night. That was one of the best.
Caleb: Can you please just open the door so we can talk?
Spencer: Caleb, I really want to… But I need more time.
Caleb somehow won over Spencer with his clumsy, awkwardly phrased apology, but too bad there’s a major COCKBLOCK getting in the way of their reconciliation. Imagine in a parallel universe where Hanna was anywhere else but here, Spencer could open the door for Caleb, rip off his clothes, ravish him on the floor, and they’d be having the hottest make-up sex right now.
I didn’t think Pretty Little Liars was capable of producing such an emotionally gripping moment, but I gotta admit PLL knocked it out of the park with this iconic scene. While I can appreciate the gravitas of the emotional drama, I must confess that I was actually laughing my ass off during the whole time. Excuse me for being entertained by three whiny bitches with tear-streaked faces and snot dripping from their noses as they cry over their frivolous love triangle. Yeah baby, this is my favourite kind of entertainment! *chews on popcorn*
Hanna: Spencer, maybe you should…
Spencer: PLEASE. DON’T.
“Hey Spencer, maybe you should go after him! Hehehe!” Okay bitch, can you fucking not? First you macked on her boyfriend, then you cockblocked their reconciliation, now you gonna act like you’re Spaleb’s cheerleader with your phony ass encouragement. I mean, it’s just SO disingenuous for the homewrecking mistress to go up to the wronged wife and offer her a shoulder to cry on. Hanna Marin, you’ve already won the battle, you won the war, you won the man, you won every damn thing, so can you fucking leave Spencer alone and let her grieve in peace!?
Spencer Hastings is DOWN! TO! FUCK!
Spencer is sitting at the bar and waiting for the time to pass before her scheduled mission. Sitting and waiting. Eat some olives. Think about Spaleb. Eat more olives. Think more Spaleb. Still waiting. Still eating olives. Still thinking about Spaleb. Spaleb, Spaleb, Spaleb. Oh god, this is gonna be a long night.
Spencer: She kissed him, recently! I gave Hanna years to figure out if she wanted him back or not!
Silly Spencer, you thought it was okay to date him as long as you waited after Haleb’s expiration date and a certain amount of grace period, but you didn’t know that Hanna signed an eternal lease that secured her the rights to her high school boyfriend FOR LYFE. It doesn’t matter if Spencer waited ten years, twenty years, or one hundred years until now, Caleb is officially Hanna’s intellectual property and that means she gets first dibs on him forever.
Spencer: I don’t understand when people say that. What is timing? Timing is for figure skaters and comedians. You either love someone or you don’t.
TELL HA SIS! Emily sounded like such a Haleb apologist and I don’t even know what she was going on about with the “timing” excuse. I’m sorry, but is timing supposed to be an appropriate reason for committing adultery? Thank god Spencer was here to clock the nonsense out of the bitch, while simultaneously discrediting an overused romantic cliché in TV and movies. You know the former writers of The Good Wife must’ve heard this line and all lowered their heads in shame.
During Marco’s introduction, the most telling sign is when the background music sings out *UH-OH* in an ominous way. I swear, I heard the singer exclaim “uh-oh!” as the camera zooms into his face. It’s the perfect prologue to describe Marco’s character: he’s gonna be TROUBLE.
Spencer: I’m leaving.
Marco: Well, that’s a very unusual name.
Spencer: Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude. Thank you for the drink. I should really get going soon.
Marco: Soon is soon. It’s not the same as now, is it?
At first, Marco tried to buy Spencer a drink, which she turned down with a polite smile. But then, he charmed her with his silly wordplay (“how soon is soon, a curious mind pondereth”) and there’s nothing a giant nerd like Spencer appreciated more than some geeky intellectual stimulation. Dammit, she’ll stay for another drink, but only because Spencer needed to debate over the philosophical definitions of “soon” and “now” with this handsome stranger!
Unfortunately, we’ve seen what happened to Liam, we’ve seen what happened to Jordan, and we’ve seen what happened to all these nice gentlemen just two episodes ago. The pretty little liars will never go for the normal love interests, because they only pursue the messy love triangles where everybody ends up in misery and tears.
Spencer: *deadpan* Burying a dead body.
WTF!? You’re playing a very dangerous game with your words, Miss Hastings! Why go through all that trouble covering up your first-degree murder if you’re just gonna blab to the first random schmoe you meet in the bar? Thank god she delivered the line in such a deadpan manner that Marco’s reaction to her confession was *lol ur so funneh*. To be fair, this guy is so preoccupied with hitting on Spencer that she could describe to him about how Elliott died in graphic detail and he’d still react by giggling at every word she says.
Just to clarify, Spencer and Marco didn’t “make out”. Nor did they “have sex”. No, the proper term to describe their activities is that THEY FUCKED LONG AND HARD in the elevator. What they did to each other was savage, barbaric, and downright animalistic. It was rough, it was aggressive, and it was HAWT AS HELL!
You might be wondering if this elevator hook-up is considered okay since Spencer hasn’t broken up with her boyfriend yet, but I can assure you that Caleb Rivers is the last person on her mind right now. Who cares about Caleb when she’s so busy spreading those legs and presenting her vadge to… Mark? Erm, Marcus? Oh, it doesn’t matter what his name is, just put it in me mister!!!
Judging by her sex scenes in prior seasons, I didn’t have Spencer pegged as the adventurous type, but this signifies a fresh start for her character. New beginnings mean new sexual positions. As the Backstreet Boys would say, I want it that way!
Marco: What happened?
Spencer: I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I just can’t do it.
Unfortunately, the backdoor experience got too intense for Miss Hastings, who freaked out and called it quits all of a sudden. Our pretty little sodomite lost her sex drive and closed shop for the night. It’s alright, Spencer. You tried it and you didn’t like it, we understand. Anal isn’t for everybody. Next time, maybe you’ll enjoy the buttsecks more if Marco brings the lube.
Emily: How could you do this to yourself!? How could you do this to us!? This could’ve ruined everything! Why would you go and lose control on the one night when you needed it the most!?
Yeah seriously, Spencer, what’s more important to you? Losing your freedom or losing your butt virginity?
What a poignant and strangely coherent apology from somebody who has more booze than common sense in her body. Even if Spencer is sorry for what she did, it doesn’t change the fact this bitch’s reckless actions put her friends at risk and now they could go to jail for a failed cover-up. Thanks to Spencer, it seems that all of the pretty little liars got screwed pretty hard tonight.
Alison & Aria play hide-and-seek at the asylum
I have no scientific explanation, but my closest theory is that she must’ve put on an invisibility cloak. Now that Alison is part of the pretty little liars group, does she mind sharing the insider secrets to how she’s able to magically disappear? If she can teach her friends this teleportation trick, the liars might be able to defend themselves against A!
Aria: I know this is difficult, but no one is going to hurt you here. Rollins is gone. IF YOU DON’T GO BACK UP THERE!!! …it’s not just you and me, everyone is counting on us!
Alison is found crouched below the staircase, where she admits to feeling too traumatized to go into her room of doom. Oh, boo hoo hoo! Aria tried her best to act sympathetic and soothe Alison’s fears, but her intent was beyond transparent: BITCH I WILL DRAG YOU BY YOUR HAIR BACK INTO YOUR TORTURE CHAMBER CUZ I AIN’T GOING TO JAIL DUE TO YOUR WHINY PUNK ASS.
Alison: I married that monster. How stupid am I?
Aria: You’re not stupid. You were in love.
“You’re not stupid, you were in love” is such a classic Aria Montgomery quote that I imagine it can only come out of her character’s mouth. Of course she’d believe those two characteristics are mutually exclusive, as if being IN LUV is an appropriate defense for being STOOPID. This must be what Aria tells herself every so often when she contemplates about her relationship with Ezra. It’s okay, I’m not being exploited because I’M IN LOVE! *gurrrrl*
Aria: *awks* …did you? Did you kill her?
I love how Alison sounded genuinely confused that she was considered a suspect for Charlotte’s murder, only for Aria to give her some major sideeye. This leads to a très awkward encounter where Detective Montgomery tries to solicit a killer’s confession and Alison is simply like *bitch r u ferreal*. If we’re to compare the two of them side-by-side, Aria has the motive, the past criminal record, the surveillance footage, and even a witness (co-conspirator?) that puts her at the scene of the crime. All things considered, Alison should be the one asking “did you kill her???” instead.
Alison: We both cared about you. That’s what made Elliott and me close. We didn’t do it on purpose. There was just a point we couldn’t deny our connection.
Charlotte: I DON’T WANNA HEAR ANY OF THIS!!!
My thoughts exactly. Any time there are two women fighting over a guy on Pretty Little Liars, my default response is “I don’t wanna hear any of this!”
Aria: Are you sure???
Alison: Yeah, put it on.
OMFG. The most fucked up part came when Alison voluntarily asked to put on that hannibal mask bondage headgear. I understand she needs to prove Elliott had been torturing her, but surely there must be another way to reach the same conclusion without the most disturbing costume dress-up ever? Of course, if Alison was so committed to staying in character, she should also put on the blindfold, the handcuffs, the ball gag, the straitjacket and the mummy bandages too. Let’s go all the way and completely mummify this bitch!
Aria: I don’t think Alison had anything to do with Charlotte getting killed…
Hanna: Maybe she’s making it up. It is Alison we’re talking about.
Oh my god, what does Alison have to do to prove her innocence to these bitches when there’s nothing that indicates she killed Charlotte!? Besides, these accusations are rich coming from Miss Phony Engagement Ring who’s on her way to cover up the first-degree murder that she just committed. It takes one lying killer to know another.
How typical of Aria to do a wardrobe change in the middle of a school day. Also, I can’t imagine anyone wearing the same clothes as her. A loud leopard-print shirt with fringes, ribbons, sparkles, or whatever embellishments she adds to her outfits is an acquired taste only unique to Aria Montgomery.
Mona’s auto repair shop is open for service 24/7
Also, burning the car seems like a really messy solution to what is already a really messy crime. How long before the police discover an abandoned car burned to the ground, order their dogs to sniff out the perimeters, and eventually identify the area where the liars buried Elliott’s body. Instead of burning the car, the liars should just save themselves the trouble and put up a gigantic sign on the spot that says: *SEARCH FOR SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY HERE*.
Aria: We must be in the wrong place…
Hanna: No, I remember we’re covering it up and putting it by the tree.
Aria: The tree? Hanna, look around you. It’s all trees. We’re in a forest.
No Aria, I’m talking about THE tree! You know the one with the leaves and the branches and the tree bark!? It’s so uniquely distinguishable!
Oh dear, who wants to break the news to Hanna that the Keebler elves aren’t actually part of the woodland ecosystem IRL? Bless her heart, she looked so excited after solving the mystery of those little men with the ears who live in the trees. Maybe Hanna can call upon her elven friends to look around their place of residence and search for the missing car?
Aria: It gotta be here. We just hid it really, really well…
Hanna: WE LOST THE CAR! WE LOST THE DAMN CAR, ARIA!!!
Aria: Hanna, cars don’t just up and drive themselves!
It didn’t take long before Hanna had the most hilarious nervous breakdown and hyperventilated on the spot. OMFG WE LOST THE DAMN CAR! OMG! OMG! OMG! Oh calm down, Hanna. Take a breather, girl. Maybe one of the Keebler elves nearby can bake a batch of cookies to stabilize her blood sugar levels a little.
PLL must’ve figured the viewers would start bitching and poking holes at this murder cover-up, so they brought in Mona’s character to resolve any loose ends or plot holes with the storyline. I admit, I didn’t believe the liars would be able to pull off this crime on their own. But as soon as Mona got involved, I relaxed and took a sigh of relief because I instinctively knew everything was OK. Mona is like the Annalise Keating of the group. They’re totally gonna get away with murder now that she’s here to hold their hands and guide them every step along the way.
Aria: Okay, where did you get the windshield fixed?
Mona: At a place that won’t ask questions and doesn’t give answers.
Mona’s first order of business is to use her mafia mob connections to get Hanna’s car fixed, which she did a bang-up job making it look brand new again. It’s pretty incredible that she patched up the car in a few hours in the middle of the night. Mona must know an underground auto repair shop that provides 24/7 emergency services, where her magical elf mechanics worked overtime to restore the car. They won’t ask questions because their evil commander overlord Mona won’t allow them to speak.
I know this is Mona, who does so much crazy shit that we tend to give the bitch a lot of leeway, but can I point out she just admitted to stalking the girls, planting GPS trackers, and spying on everyone with her hidden surveillance systems? The other liars are so desensitized to Mona’s usual antics that they don’t seem fazed by her revelations, even though it’s almost a certainty that she planted GPS trackers in THEIR cars as well. Um hello, the demon imp admitted to the underhanded tactics that she uses, so you better take notes and take precautions!
Aria: So, do you make a habit of inserting yourself into other people’s homicides? Or just ours?
I’m sensing some hostility from Aria, which is uncalled for considering Mona went out of her way just to properly cover up their shitty cover-up crime. You should know these professional criminal consulting services do not come cheap, and the pretty little liars need to be more grateful that Mona is working pro-bono on their murder. Instead of snarking at her, Aria should actually thank Monalise Keating for her charitable help!
Hanna: What burner phone!?
Oh my god, the best part is watching Mona’s incredible facial expressions which told the entire story. There was shock, there was disgust, there was frustration, there was impatience, and finally there was a begrudging acceptance of their stupidity. She looked in so much disbelief when the pretty little liars didn’t know about the burner phone, reminding Mona once again that she’s dealing with AMATEUR HOUR over here. Mona is thinking: *oh you numbskull bitches, how you managed to survive seven seasons without my help is simply beyond me*.
Welcome to BRUNCH SMACKDOWN with Queen Jenna!
Aria: *glares at cameras* Do those record sound!? I’m sorry, but are we comfortable with those visuals? Us together, on tape? I just think we should…
Hanna: Aria, stop! Drink your mimosa!
Every few seconds, Aria would pipe up in an urgent whisper to remind the others about her paranoia over the security cameras. U GUISE! WE R BEING WATCHED! I’m not sure why she’s bugging out. You’d think Aria should be used to getting stalked by thousands of spycams especially with Ezra as a boyfriend.
Emily: Bottom line, we find the phone, we find Elliott’s accomplice.
Spencer: Guys! It’s Mary Drake! Seriously, who else could it possibly be!?
Spencer insists Mary Drake is the accomplice, though nobody takes her seriously. To be fair, she doesn’t have much credibility when Spencer looks like she’s wearing a painful hangover on her face. Girl, are you sure you don’t want some water instead of another glass of mimosa?
Alison: What are you doing here!?!?
Mary: No need to call for the nurse, dear. I’m in charge now.
Poor Alison. Just when she was finally free from Hannibal Lecter, only to realize Cersei Lannister is now her primary caretaker. Does Hanna happen to have another vehicle nearby? I’ve a feeling she might need to rev up the car engine once more just to save Alison again.
The entire sequence played out like a horror movie. There was also creepy dungeon music playing in the background as Jenna made her slow, solemn funeral march into the room. The vibe was so spooky that I couldn’t tell whether it was Jenna making an entrance or if it was Dracula rising from the dead. *lol* Just to be clear, our queen hasn’t spoken a single line at this point and I’m already petrified out of my mind.
In case you’re wondering what she has been doing during these past five years, Queen Jenna was guarding the gates of the underworld, feasting on lost souls, and studying for her Master’s degree in witchcraft. Oh, and she was also plotting the demises, downfalls & deaths of the pretty little liars, but this was more of an ongoing project that had started beyond the past five years.
Jenna’s chipper disposition was a stark contrast next to the grim expressions on everybody’s faces. You don’t need to be in the room to feel the heavy sense of dread that came with Jenna’s arrival. All of the liars talked to her through gritted teeth along with the most reluctant strained smiles that they could muster. If I had to draw a real-life comparison, think Michelle Obama greeting Melania Trump at the presidential inauguration: restrained, gracious, and yet still completely unable to conceal her disgust to the extreme horrors before her eyes.
Jenna: Oh, didn’t you hear? My house blew up.
LOL. Queen Jenna and her sassy one-liners FOR LYFE! Not only did she bless us with yet another iconic PLL quote, but it was also hilarious the way Jenna delivered the devastating words in such a casual tone of voice. Almost like they were discussing *the weather* and *the house bombing* within the same sentence.
1.) “Congratulations on your engagement, Hanna!” C’mon, this is Jenna at her trolling best. Bitch totally KNOWS Hanna broke off her engagement, but she’s rubbing the fake nuptials in her face.
2.) “Tell Ali I hope she feels better!” Gurl, who u tryin 2 fool? Jenna sending her best wishes to Alison might be THE most contrived bullshit I’ve ever heard her say. If anything, she’s probably the one brainstorming ideas with Elliott on the sadistic torture methods they can inflict upon Ali. “I hope she feels better!” = “I HOPE SHE FEELS LIKE UTTER SHIT.”
Jenna tried to make nice in order to score an invitation to her stepbrother’s wedding, but Toby knows better than to allow the grim reaper anywhere near his special occasion. She is strictly prohibited from attending his wedding, his funeral, his birthday party, his anniversary party, his dinner party, his family reunion, his high school reunion, his band reunion, his baptism ceremony, and his bar mitzvah.
What he discovered: ELLIOTT ROLLINS ISN’T WHO HE SAYS HE IS ZOMG! Yes, it should’ve been obvious from the moment he ripped off his mask and spoke in a thick British accent, but now we have official confirmation that “Elliott” is a fraud who stole a dead doctor’s identity. Never mind how he passed the background check, I wanna know how Dr. Faux Rollins managed to keep his psychiatry job for over five years when he should be completely unqualified for the position?
Toby: ……he’s been dead for 15 years.
Hey Toby, maybe you should’ve led with an explanation first instead of jumping straight to the conclusion? A story has a beginning, a middle, and an end, but this guy spoils the plot twist in the first sentence. The pretty little liars were so surprised at first, because they thought he actually deduced their crime. It turns out Toby was talking about a *different* Elliott Rollins and the confusion occurred because Officer Cavanaugh doesn’t know how to tell a coherent narrative.
Toby: We will find him!
Emily: *nods head* Good.
I love how Emily is bluffing Toby with her poker face, even though deep down she’s going like OHHH SHIIIT now that the police are closing in on their crime. Thank god Officer Cavanaugh is such a dunce that he doesn’t realize he’s leaking investigation details to the criminals he’s supposed to arrest. *lol*
Hello Archer? It’s your accomplice, Jenna.
Hanna: Are you going to stay mad at me forever?
Spencer: No, but I do need to be mad at you for just a little longer. If you want to be a good friend, just lemme be mad.
You may notice Spencer is on her eighth glass of morning mimosa by now. I wonder how many more drinks she must wolf down in order to get drunk enough to cope with this storyline.
What’s the deal with Caleb Rivers and his tendency to leave behind half-empty closets every time he breaks up with his girlfriends? Closet space should only be shared with faithful long-term boyfriends, not cheating loverats who inevitably change partners every few weeks. Considering his track record, you’d think Caleb might learn to put his clothes in a drawer or a bag instead, so that he doesn’t have to unhang everything whenever his relationships end.
Mona: And you don’t wanna be a factor. That’s noble.
Excuse me, I beg to differ! Um hello, she kissed Spencer’s boyfriend??? Let’s just say *noble* wouldn’t be the first word I’d use to describe Miss Marin. There’s some serious revisionism happening on Pretty Little Liars, where we’re supposed to believe Hanna is so selfless and so considerate for giving up the love of her life to another woman. Pretty soon, Spencer will be expected to thank Hanna just for returning her boyfriend back to her. THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME HAVE CALEB AGAIN, YOU ARE TOO GENEROUS!
Hanna: Spencer was right. There was to stop if I hadn’t gotten the pedals mixed up. I keep telling myself it was an accident, but when I saw Rollins… I just remembered being in a cold, dark room. So, was I confused? Or was I the least confused I’ve ever been in my life?
Spencer was right all along! It was indeed FIRST! DEGREE! MURDER! …okay, technically, it’s still not first-degree murder. Just some dumb bitch who stepped on the wrong pedal and then covered up her embarrassment by pretending that she intended to kill him all along.
To be honest, I didn’t even notice Hanna was wearing a bracelet? It would’ve been more interesting if she had lost something with more sentimental value, like her engagement ring instead. Imagine the hilarious irony of Hanna getting busted and going to jail all because of a knockoff engagement ring that she bought for $39.99.
Mona: THEY’RE NOT GOING TO.
THEY’RE NOT GOING TO!!! Mona delivered that line like a badass mafia boss, spoken with so much grit and steely determination that you’d expect from a seasoned criminal who knows exactly what she’s doing. Or maybe I’m confusing her grit with her annoyance? If I was Mona, I’d be so fed up having to clean after my friend’s messes all the frigging time. Just once, Hanna, can you commit a perfect crime without leaving hundreds of loose ends!? Or better yet, can you avoid committing crime altogether? Leave the criminal activities to the real professionals!
For the record, Hanna found her bracelet in between the car seats, but the more important takeaway is why did Mona find A CLUMP OF HAIR in Elliott’s car??? Whose hair is it? Where did it come from? Why is he keeping it in his car? Was Elliott wearing hair plugs? Did eating the candy bar cause him to lose his hair? I’m freaking out over all the unanswered questions with this startling discovery! I NEED ANSWERS!
Jenna: Hi Archer, can you hear me? It’s Jenna. Jenna Marshall.
First of all, “It’s Jenna. Jenna Marshall” is the PLL equivalent of “Bond. James Bond.” Second of all, LMAOOOO!!! Why am I not surprised Queen Jenna was in cahoots with Alison’s torturer all along? Of course they were secret accomplices conspiring together. I imagine their relationship was along the lines of: “Hello Archer, I hear that you’ve been abusing Alison DiLaurentis. Ah yes, I find your cause worthwhile and would like to make a donation please.”