What are the chances of Mary driving in the middle of nowhere and then stumbling upon Hanna as soon as Caleb & Mona stopped doing surveillance on her? Don’t forget that the original abduction happened at Mary’s motel. Are we supposed to believe this has been a big coincidence and that bitch was just in the *right place* at the *right time*? I dunno what her agenda is and I dunno why she rescued her own captive, but MARY I KNOW UR SHADY BOO!!!
Hanna: I have to talk to my friends before I do anything!
Hanna is so baller that she doesn’t have to go to the police, see a doctor, or even cry home to mommy after being captured and tortured for over 24 hours. No biggie, I get abducted all the time, this is just a typical Saturday routine for me! Hanna also didn’t express any gratitude to the woman who kinda just saved her life. Okay, granted, Mary was most likely the one who kidnapped you in the first place, but you can still thank the bitch for not killing you on the spot!
Mary: Family is a very complicated thing, Hanna. *intense glare* Many families have secrets. *forlorn sigh* Most families, really. *voice cracks* And sometimes, those secrets are actual people… *contemplative pause* IMAGINE THAT. *evil smirk*
Mary made little sense as she rambled on about ALL DEM FAMILY SEKRITS, but I still relished every moment of her smirking and glaring and even her voice was quivering as she described her hardships. She could be reading the nutritional info from the back of a cereal box and I’d still feel chills listening to her, that’s how phenomenal our queen is.
Caleb is a gross cheating dirtbag.
Sadly, it didn’t take long before Caleb was all over his ex-girlfriend while completely ignoring his real girlfriend in the background. He exchanged intimacies with Hanna as openly as possible, almost as if Spencer wasn’t in the room watching them and her heart didn’t break with every glance. Dude, can you have the decency to find a dinky motel room instead of cheating on your girlfriend right in front of her!?
Even though Caleb made it clear which bachelorette gets his final rose, Hanna doesn’t wanna get back together with him! It’s perplexing how somebody can go from “I never stopped loving you!” to “I changed my mind about you three seconds ago!”, but Haleb is a no-go because apparently Hanna wants to play hard to get? That bitch babbled on and on trying to justify her actions, finally admitting that she used him for his body and only hooked up with her ex because she felt horny. But there’s simply no endgame romance between them, sorry!
Emily: Hey, are you okay?
Spencer: *sniffling* Yeah, I’m fine…uh, I just wanted to be by myself for a minute.
Look, I feel really bad for her, but Spencer’s biggest problem is that she has too much damn sportsmanship. This chick is so concerned about being a good friend to Hanna that she won’t speak up, she won’t vocalize her concerns, and she won’t call out those bitches. No, no, no! If you got a problem with your bf cheating on you with your bff, then say something! Do something! Go slash his tires! Leak his nudes! Make him suffer! It’ll make you feel better!
Ugh, can we seriously not go through this pity party of one? If Spencer is gonna lose Caleb to Hanna, then I wanna see her lose this fight with dignity and not mope around like some long-suffering girlfriend silently agonizing over her internalized angst. It’s not fun watching Haleb walk all over Spencer, I want her to stand up and clap back! Take your claws out, swing your hook punch, drop some much needed home truths on your scumbag boyfriend and his side piece! You need to fight, Spencer Hastings! FIGHT FOR YOUR SELF-RESPECT!!!
Spencer: I GOT FIRED! By text! *reading* You have abused the generosity of this organization and chosen to pursue partisan interests over the greater good.
Considering the bitch never did a single minute of work in her so-called job anyway, this is no big loss. If there’s any consolation, Spencer can continue working for her mom as some sort of maidservant and keep getting a weekly allowance from her!
The answer is no, in case you were wondering if Caleb has any shame whatsoever. Ugh, I just can’t deal with how this dirtbag can kiss Spencer so casually after he put his filthy ass lips on another woman. Get your hands off her, you two-timing piece of trash! Caleb is such a gross fecal being and his behaviour has been savage as fuck. In conclusion: DIS MOFO SUX.
Caleb: No! No, we didn’t. Whatever we did wasn’t a mistake. It was real.
Spencer: So, why are you talking about it in the past tense?
Oh man, this is brutal to watch. Brutal, as in brutally boring that is. Pretty Little Liars seems to think they crafted a compelling, heartbreaking piece of relationship melodrama, but omg watching this tedious love triangle has AGED me. We already know Spaleb’s relationship is OFFICIALLY DEAD in the past tense, the present tense & the future tense, so can we please not waste time overanalyzing it anymore!? Unless Spencer literally castrates Caleb after finding out he cheated on her, there’s nothing left in this storyline that could interest me at all.
Liam’s EPIC SMACKDOWN of Ezra!!!
That means no more filler scenes about a bunch of insignificant characters whose lives don’t matter, hooray! Unfortunately, it also means we have to sit through *one* more episode featuring these nobodies as we wrap up their storylines as half-assedly as possible. Ugh, make dis shit quick, nobody currs.
Aria: It’s just coming home and seeing my friends and everything that Ali is going through… I realize I have a lot of unresolved things in my life and it wouldn’t be fair to you!
Liam: I think you want me to say ‘thank you’, but I’m not going to.
SORRY LIAM. IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME. She didn’t use those exact words, but let’s just keep the bullshit excuses short and sweet. Nobody asked for your life story, Aria. Just an adequate explanation about why you’re such an awful girlfriend, preferably in five words or less.
Liam: Apparently, one of us saw it before the other…
Really, Liam? You didn’t see it coming after she turned down fifty phone calls every day, deleted your voicemails, ignored your texts, blocked your number, and changed her permanent address just to avoid having this conversation with you? Liam is such a schmuck that the poor thing looked like he was about to CRY after getting dumped. It’s kinda sad but also kinda funny to see him take this relationship so seriously, especially since Aria’s reaction to the whole ordeal has been like DON’T H8 THE PLAYA, H8 THE GAME~ *lol*
Liam: You worked hard for this. I’d like to see you get something you always wanted. And hey, at least we can cross the finish line together.
Instead, Liam takes the high road and promises to keep a professional working relationship. Being the sweet, sensitive, kind-hearted earth angel that he is, Liam bears no ill will towards his ex-girlfriend and wants her to succeed. Wow, what a classy dude. It’s your loss, Aria. The truth is Liam can do sooooo much better than dis cheating heffa, so I’m not that sad for him and I give him my best wishes on the happy Aria-free life that he deserves in the future.
Does Aria have buyer’s remorse? Why does this bitch sound like she wouldn’t have dumped him if she knew he was still working on the book? Imagine if Liam had told her the news beforehand. Well, it would be too *complicated* to break up with my publisher now, so…let’s just keep sneaking around and cheating on him until I finish my book lulz~ Given the choice, I think Aria would be totally open to keeping Liam as a back-up boyfriend like a spare set of batteries. I won’t use him often, but just in case I need him for emergencies!
Anyway, Liam is seething because while he doesn’t mind being dumped by Aria, it does bother him that he got dumped…FOR EZRA. Wouldn’t you be pissed off too if you lost to that moral degenerate on any sort of fundamental level? This transcends beyond any good vs. evil comparisons. This is an important issue of HUMAN VERSUS BEAST and us humankind must root for our species to triumph over Ezra’s!
Liam: And there’s a problem with his backstory…
Ezra: What sort of problem?
Liam: The predatory nature of his actions.
I’m sorry, but please allow me to convey my thoughts through this enormous emoji:
Ezra: You think he comes across as predatory?
Liam: I understand the impulse. The Lolita myth, not the Nabokov original, but the whole ‘older man inappropriately young girl’ idea that’s been trashed by lesser writers.
OMFG. First he calls out Ezra for being predatory, and then he makes a snide dig about Ezra being a trashy lesser writer! To his face! Oh snap! LIAM IS A MAN AFTER MY OWN HEART. I AGREE WITH HIM 100% ON EVERY SINGLE SYLLABLE OF WORD. HE IS THE ANTI-EZRA CHRIST!!!
Liam: Well, at least Sparks understands what a reader can tolerate and what makes their skin crawl.
PFFFFFT. CHOKING ON MY OWN SPIT. King Liam is going innnnn on Ezra with no mercy, attacking his moral character with the most precisely barbed insult. How long have we waited for someone to finally drop all these hard-hitting home truths on Ezra? Holy shit, Liam is my fucking hero! (P.S. Leave it to the two bookworm weirdos to throw in all these literary references during their verbal spar. Then again, Liam wouldn’t be Liam if he didn’t behave like such an adorkable nerd. )
OH FUCK OFF, EZRA!!! Is that how this skeevy mofo justifies the morally depraved relationship in his head? “Age is just an arbitrary number that drifts in and out through the rhythms of life…” BULL-FUCKIN’-SHIT, OKAY!? You were a predatory adult, she was a teenage jailbait, and what happened between the two of you is a whole lotta statutory rape! I wish I had a little trouble UNSEEING your shit-stained romance, but you put it inside her and now you gotta face the consequences of your horrifying sexual offense!
Liam: That’s because he’s your hero. You’re invested in justifying his actions. You’re too close to see him for what he really is.
A+ for some top-notch lit crit! For those of us who feel frustrated that PLL constantly romanticizes Ezra’s character as a hero, Liam finally represents a voice for the voiceless. He articulates our criticisms of a show that always defends Ezra’s actions and never punishes his mistakes just because he’s the protagonist in a popular romance. Somebody needs to print out Liam’s words and send them to Marlene King in a holiday card because that homeboy SPEAKS SO MUCH TRUTH.
Ezra: You mean Aria’s character…?
Liam: …Yeah. *stares* Her character.
At one point, Liam got so worked up that he dropped all pretenses and forgot he was supposed to be dissing Ezra in “code”. Oh right, we were definitely talking about the predatory nature of the fictional character in a book, as opposed to the predatory nature of the former high school teacher who banged his student. No offense intended if I touched a nerve, hehe!
Ezra: *scoffs* Protect them from what!?
Liam: *gestures to Ezra* A loss of perspective. Poor judgment. Avoidable bad choices.
Every fucking word out of Liam’s mouth is like twisting a knife in Ezra’s heart, bwhahaha! His epic character assassination is easily Liam’s crowning achievement on the show. Before this scene, the guy known as Aria’s four-eyed boyfriend was just an inconsequential love interest dismissed by the entire PLL fanbase. All of a sudden, he had a serious upgrade in badassery and unleashed a whole tornado of righteousness that took everyone by surprise. I’m so glad to have witnessed his god-tiered transformation before my eyes and now I shall be on TEAM LIAM FOREVER!!!
Ezra: What I gotten wasn’t criticism. It was anger.
Aria: Anger at what?
Ezra: At me! I promise to keep my side clean, but if every note session is gonna be a ten-round bout, I don’t know what’s gonna be left of this book! Or any of us!
If Liam actually manages to take down both Ezra AND his satanic spellbook, then give that man a Nobel Peace Prize award right now because he just destroyed one of the evillest horcruxes in this world. Do it, King Liam! We’re all rooting for you to take Ezria down!!!
Aria: You said that we could work together! That we could all be adults!
Liam: I meant it when I said it… I dunno, reading his pages again and sitting there listening to him while he was talking… He has a way with words. I used to admire that.
Aria: And you don’t anymore?
Liam: No, now I’m suspicious!
I love how Liam used to be such a big Ezra fan until actually meeting him in person and now he’s completely repulsed by that monster. Five minutes alone with him and yup, creep alert!
Aria: ………that’s not how it happened.
Yeah Liam, you’re totally in the wrong! She seduced him first! *lol* No, Liam’s on-point assessment is EXACTLY how it happened between Aria and Ezra no matter how much she tries to deny history. Please, Miss Montgomery, tell us what happened in the fantasy version of the fairytale love story in your head. Were there castles, princesses, rainbows, dragons, and a speaking animal companion on your shoulder? We must hear about the real origins of Ezria!
Sorry for interrupting your moving speech, Martin Luther King, but where can I find this magical button that you’re talking about? I’ll gladly press it a hundred times and help you delete your account, gurl.
What *A LOT OF WORDS* just to come to the obvious conclusion that you’re a *WALKING HUMAN DISASTER*. Yes, Aria, we’ve already established that fact without your vagina monologues. If all that misguided, deluded, pitiful nonsense is how the bitch wanna justify hooking up with her high school teacher, then that’s her prerogative. Just save your breath and repeat those words again in your character testimony when Liam finally reports your predatory boyfriend to the police!
Goodbye Jordan, my sweet mannequin prince.
Just because they’re still together doesn’t mean Hanna cares about Jordan or even likes him very much. (Theory: “I didn’t lose my engagement ring, Caleb! I threw it away on my own!”) At first, she ignored her fiancé as usual, keeping him out of sight and out of mind. Hanna only thought about him as she was going through some boring paperwork, and then she got so bored reading the documents that it must’ve reminded her of how she felt about Jordan. *lol*
Quick, emergency writers’ meeting! Is there a way to make anybody care about Hanna’s mannequin fiancé before we kick him off the show? Umm, why don’t we insert a last-minute flashback to give Jordan’s character a backstory and some semblance of personality? Okay, well, I guess achieving one out of two goals isn’t so bad…
Hanna: Suppose I’m meeting someone?
Jordan: You’re not. You ordered a second drink. If you were meeting someone, you would’ve nursed your first drink.
Hanna: Have you been counting my drinks?
Jordan: I notice details.
Yes, that’s the full Jordanna love saga covered in the span of approximately 45 seconds, which is sadly still the most screentime they’ve spent on Jordan since his character was introduced.
In a last ditch attempt to save this relationship, Hanna gets all dolled up, puts on a banging hot red dress, and flaunts her sexy stripper heels in front of Jordan. Hello fiancé, I’m here to seduce ya~ If you can’t excite a man with your natural personality or your emotional bond, then surely you can excite him with YOUR LUSCIOUS LEGS. Hope you enjoyed the view, I shaved this morning just for you!
Jordan: Of what?
Hanna: OF YOU.
I dunno how anyone can stay calm with such a hot babe straddling your lap, but leave it to Jordan to look bored and comatose during the sexy seduction scene. You’d think he should be kissing his gorgeous fiancée or touching his hands all over her body. Instead, this mannequin would rather have a boring relationship talk with her. Hello, Hanna is riding your dick right now? Can you please stop ruining the moment and act like you’re enjoying it a little?
Hanna: Do you remember the bar where we first met? Well, I wanna go back there and buy you a drink. I wanna go back there and flirt with you and start all over again. Is that something that would interest you?
Jordan? It’s your line now! Say something! Oh no, is his battery depleted? Can someone plug him into a power outlet so this android can be reanimated?
Hanna: This was important! I needed it to be here right where I left it! I was counting on it! I mean, Jordan, this is where we first met! And now we don’t have a beginning anymore because they tore it down!
And then Hanna starts FREAKING OUT because she blames the failure of her relationship on a construction site or something? This bar isn’t here so I can’t possibly love you anymore!
Hanna: They’ll just tear that down too! Don’t you get it!? I’m a one-woman demolition derby! I can’t do this to you! *takes off engagement ring* I’m so sorry!
…lol. What did I just watch? That scene escalated quickly and rather randomly. One moment they were heading to a bar…and then she dumped his ass in the middle of a construction zone. The bitch was improvising on the spot and made up any excuse to call off the engagement. At least Aria had the decency to say *it’s not you, it’s me* instead of *it’s not you, it’s because i’m a one-woman demolition derby*. Only in the perplexing mind of Hanna Marin does her break-up speech make any coherent sense.
With that said, I still kinda prefer Jordan over Caleb in the battle of the boyfriends. Given her limited options, I was actually rooting for Hanna to end up with her boring fiancé over her scumbag ex-boyfriend. Yes, I’m forced to champion Jordanna because that’s how much I think Caleb Rivers sucks. *lolsosad*
I’m giving you a million dollars for free, Hanna! Take it!
After seven seasons of pining after his high school crush, it’d be nice for Lucas to finally get the girl, but…I dunno, I just can’t picture it happening for real. Seeing Lucas and Hanna in a relationship would almost be like Pretty Little Liars getting renewed to Season 10. Technically not impossible, but will they be desperate enough to go there?
Hanna: Lucas, why are you doing this for me???
Lucas’ excuse is that he’s doing charity and that he sees an entrepreneurial spark in Hanna, but deep down we know it’s cuz he got the hots for her. I’m giving you a million dollars simply because of how blonde and how gorgeous you are, why do you question my motives!?
Lucas: The private spaceship market is a little overcrowded at the moment.
Some benefactors donate their money to charities or research facilities or impoverished third-world countries, and others donate their fortune to attractive prostitutes living in their playboy mansions. *lol* You gotta admit Hanna’s arrangement with her sugar daddy is super weird, right? He pays for her living expenses, pays for her fashion hobby, and pays for the two of them just to spend time together. How long before Lucas finally pays her to have sex with him? I bought you a yacht, now bend over for me! ~it’s only a matter of time~
Hanna: Lucas, I know you think I’m somebody you’re not. Everyone thinks I’m somebody I’m not. Somebody smarter, braver, sharper. But I’m not.
I love how this entire conversation consists of Lucas & Hanna doing a lot of backdoor bragging about themselves. Him being all *i’m such a nice guy paying you all this money and not expecting sex in return* and her being all *everyone keeps saying I’m soooo smart and soooo sharp*. Um, a raise of hands, who would actually describe Hanna Marin as ‘smart’? Whoever you are, please stop feeding into her delusions.
Unless the bitch is signing her life away, why do you need so many signatures anyway? Theory: who else thinks Lucas is trying to confuse Hanna and secretly included a hidden prostitution clause somewhere in the contract? SIGN HERE *VERY* CAREFULLY, HANNA.
C’mon, this decision was a no-brainer. Even if Hanna blew the entire million dollars on a single Louis Vuitton handbag, you know her sugar daddy (aka. “business partner”) is just gonna shell out another mil to keep his bought whore happy. C’mon girl, sign those papers and hook yourself up to that human ATM machine for life!
Mary Drake slays everybody (including unsuspecting babies?)
Lucas: Sooooo, how is Alison doing? I heard she’s in the hospital.
Lucas might sound like he’s asking an innocuous question, but his real intent was similar to a gossipy fishwife: *i heard dat bitch was in the nuthouse* *teeheehee* *spill the tea gurl*.
At one point, Alison managed to sneak off and made a phone call in the middle of the night: HELP ME I NEED HEL- only to be cut off by her own horrified screams and strangulation noises. On the other end, Emily remained blissfully oblivious and had the audacity to go like *ali, are you alright?*, even though she just heard her friend getting the life choked outta her. Do we have to play loud chainsaw sounds before she gets the hint that Alison is in grave danger!?
In Emily’s defense, she’s the only one who even made an attempt to save Alison from her impending doom. You’d think the pretty little liars might feel bad for throwing their friend under the bus and try harder to save her, but they’re carrying on with their day-to-day relationship drama like Ali’s life doesn’t matter. In fact, Spencer keeps disparaging Emily from going on a rescue mission. Oh, she’s fine! Oh, don’t worry! Oh, nothing we can do! Spencer’s agenda is very transparent: *KEEP DAT BITCH LOCKED IN THERE FOREVER*
Elliott: I know you’re her friends but I’m her husband and her doctor.
Spencer: Maybe that’s not the best combination. Meaning we’re not the only ones who need a little objectivity.
IRL, it would be preposterous for Alison’s evil husband to also serve as her evil doctor, but such laws do not exist in the backwards third-world society of Pretty Little Liars.
Hilariously enough, Elliott CLAPS BACK with an on-point zinger. She fires a bullet at him, he fires two bullets right back at her. You ain’t the only one who can say snarky shit, Spencer Hastings! In your face, beeyotch! *lol*
Aria: Is that the kind of diplomacy you learned in Washington?
Spencer: I’m sorry, Aria, I have a very low tolerance for condescension.
Hehehe, look at these bitches go~ Poor Emily was trying to keep the peace and going like “You guys are supposed to be snarking at Elliott, not at each other!”
“She’s mine now. No take backs. No do-overs.” – A.D.
The liars realize that since Elliott is Alison’s guardian and he’s the only one allowed to see her, stating *she’s mine now* means he incriminated himself lolpwnt. It’s a surprisingly astute observation, but the girls are so used to making up BS conspiracy theories that they don’t even know when one of their theories turns out to be correct lol.
Emily: You’ve been talking to Dr. Rollins, right?
Mary: OVER THE PHONE. ONCE.
Emily: And you’ve been satisfied with how he has been taking care of her so far?
Mary: OH YES. *shrugs* I SUPPOSE. *hand gesture* OVERALL. *nods head* I MEAN, HE’S VERY PROFESSIONAL.
lol dis lying bitch~ I love how Mary can only lie by blurting out a few disjointed words each time, as if the wheels in her head can’t spin fast enough to generate a full sentence. BAD LIAR… I SUPPOSE… OVERALL…
Mary: They believed Jessica. Everybody always believed Jessica. She was the warm one.
According to Mary, she got sent to Radley because everyone sided with her sister and pointed the finger at the evil twin. Interesting story, but I suspect Mary was LYING from the moment she described Jessica as “warm”. Excuse me, that woman was colder than a human iceberg!
We all noticed the eerie similarities between Mary’s and Charlotte’s life stories, right? Maybe the demon spawn lied and borrowed details from her mommy’s story, or maybe the murder gene got inherited and Mary personally taught her child all the best tricks of the trade. Instead of learning this nursery rhyme today, let’s study about gravity! *drops baby in bathtub*
Overall, Mary’s character exudes an air of mystery and there’s a certain indescribable je ne sais quoi quality to her words and actions. Is she good? Is she evil? What is she thinking about? What exactly does she know? Mary Drake is almost like the modern day Mona Lisa, a secretive yet fabulous diva that us mere mortals will never be able to comprehend.
Elliott might be TOO evil.
…EXCEPT ONE. Fortunately, Emily is on a heroic one-woman mission to rescue Alison from the depths of hell! Okay granted, she’s the one who escorted Ali to the asylum and caused her this much despair in the first place, but who cares about the little details when we are about to witness the power of Emison’s love shining a light on all the darkness!
Umm wtf, Emily went through all that trouble to see Alison and she won’t even bother rescuing her!? Does this bitch have to walk in on Elliott performing an open-brain surgery on Alison, literally plucking out her brains bit by bit, before Emily realizes what’s happening? This isn’t some sort of optional side quest you can skip to complete the game, YOU GOTTA SAVE HER ASAP!!!
Alison: Mommy? Why did you leave me? I woke up, and there was dirt all over me and you wouldn’t help! Why did you leave me in the ground?
What must be going through Alison’s mangled brain right now? Am I in hell? Is that why mommy is here? You’d think Emily and Mary might warn the mentally unstable nutjob before shocking her with a clone version of her dead mother. Um guys, I don’t think she’s in the right mindset for any surprise family reunions right now.
I don’t wanna knock Alison since she’s not in the right frame of mind, but you gotta wonder why she wasted all that time babbling all those words, instead of telling Emily that her husband is an evil son of a bitch trying to kill her. It should be the first item in her agenda: *EXPOSE DAT MOFO*.
Anyway, this has gotta be the most intense shadow puppet show ever. At one point, you almost expect to see a shadow outline of a knife stabbing into the shadow outline of Mary Drake’s face! I was legit scurred for her life omfg!
Mary: Well, neither is what you’re doing to that girl. You’ve gone too far.
Elliott: You got what you wanted. The money is yours.
Mary: Not yet it isn’t!
During the confrontation, Mary reveals that she’s only INIT4THEMONEY and doesn’t exactly see eye-to-eye with Elliott’s whole psycho killer plan of torturing her bedridden niece. Even though both of them might be partners in crime, it’s important to distinguish that they’re two very distinct types of villains. Mary is more of a *Martha Stewart embezzling money to maintain her business empire* type of evil whereas Elliott is more of a *Hannibal Lecter peeling off human skin to wear as a cape* type of evil.
Elliott: *raises index finger* Don’t.
The most telling moment about their power dynamic is when Elliott lifted a single index finger and Mary is immediately silenced. You can tell from the creepy gaze in his eyes and the pointed tone in his voice that the mofo is about to snap. He didn’t have to say anything explicitly threatening, but I can already sense the *dark aura* oozing outta his pores. Evil leaked out of him like the electron beams out of a space vortex. His evilness is so intense that you can ~feel it~ harming you even if you can’t ~see it~ with the naked eye.
With that said, I’ve high hopes of seeing this evil motherfucker go down in an epic blaze of glory. When he finally meets his demise, I expect villages to burn, islands to drown, and vicious thunderbolts to come raining from the skies. Elliott might be going down soon, but I’ve a feeling he’ll take all of us down with him!