HEADS WILL ROLL in this epic Pretty Little Liars finale, where Queen Jenna and King Noel declare all-out war against the pretty little liars. Who will win and who will get decapitated!?
Noooo! How…how can it end already!? What will I do with my days if I can’t watch Pretty Little Liars anymore!? On the bright side, this also means PLL has nothing to lose with these last few episodes. The show can go out with a bang and pull off some outrageous plot twists: shocking deaths, shocking pregnancies, shocking maternity test results, anything goes! If you ever wanted to see a pregnant Aria kill Ezra because she found out they were both Mary’s long lost children, it could actually happen zomg!!!
Hanna and Noel make a snuff film
Hanna: *cracks the whip* ADMIT IT, BITCH! ADMIT YOU ARE EYYYDEEE!!!
Um, holy shit? Like sure, I expected these antics from a mob boss such as Mona or Jenna, but it’s rather unsettling to see Hanna take such a drastically dark turn all of a sudden. Up until now, what sets the liars apart from the villains is that they don’t do crazy evil shit like this. Dumb shit? Yes, of course. Cheating shit? All the time. But evil shit? No, you’re supposed to be the good guys! Don’t get me wrong tho, I’m totally rooting for Hanna and think her badass actions are long overdue, but at the same time she’s also kinda *lolpsycho*.
Hanna: Fine. We’ll do it MY way.
When Noel doesn’t respond back, probably because he’s still hemorrhaging in the brain right now, Hanna takes out a knife and threatens to: stab him, scar his beautiful face, cut off his fingers, slash his wrists, dissect his abdomen, carve out his eyeballs, slice off his flesh, wait for the pain to brew for a couple of hours before finally plunging the blade straight through his heart. And afterwards, she can even peel some apple pieces to nibble on as a post-mortem snack. Watch out, Noel! The wrath of Hanna Marin is just beginning, mwhahaha!
For me, the scariest part is when Hanna held the knife against Noel’s throat, pausing for a moment of hesitation as if she actually contemplated about whether to end his life right here and now. After offing Archer earlier this season, it appears that Hanna has a thirst for zee blood and now her first impulse is to kill, kill, kill ’em all! Murder is so easy, why didn’t I do it a lot sooner! Hehehe!
To my disappointment, Hanna merely grazes the knife blade across Noel’s leg and gives him a tiny little boo-boo on his knee. Afterwards, she stares at the blood-stained knife and we suddenly hear maniacal laughter howling in the background! Not from Hanna, but from me. YAS YAS YAS I WANT MOAR BLOODSHED IN THIS PLL FINALE! DON’T STOP UNTIL I SEE A WATERFALL OF BLOOD!!!
Imagine if Hanna hands over this footage to the police as evidence against Noel, only to get arrested herself because all they see is a psycho girl who tied up an unconscious victim and threatened him with a knife. This is just a friendly public service announcement to all you future kidnappers out there: don’t record yourself committing the crime.
Of course, the one and only time that the pretty little liars do call the police, it turns out one of their own is the perpetrator instead. I love how A’s bajillion crimes go unreported over the years, but as soon as Hanna commits her first deliberate crime, her friends immediately send the police hounds to go after her ass. *lol*
Spencer: And we risk the police finding out about Archer…
Caleb: You mean finding out that Hanna ran him over and you buried him like a dog!
Alison: To quote my dead husband, karma’s a bitch.
LMAO. I love Alison’s unapologetically sassy attitude towards his gruesome death. He died, he was an abusive asshole, he deserved it! Also, I can’t imagine a context where *TO QUOTE MY DEAD HUSBAND* isn’t hilarious and she needs to use this coin of phrase way more often in all her conversations.
At times like these, it makes me really miss the Tannersaurus because you know that badass bitch won’t stand for this hanky-panky bullshit. Yeah, try making out with me Spencer, I dare you! [/Lt. Tanner]
Speaking of Detective Furey, I don’t have anything against him, but I find his character so extra and so unnecessary. Do we really need a new love interest introduced in the final season? He’s merely a consolation prize for Spencer just because she can’t get with Caleb or Toby. Except you know Spoby is happening, so this new romance feels like a big waste of time. (Altho how hilarious would it be if Sparco *is* the real endgame? lol make it happen!)
Marco: Toby, I know you and Spencer are old friends, but I promise you nothing is gonna happen to those women on my watch. If I don’t see you later, thank you for your services. *handshake*
Am I interpreting the scene wrong or was this a very special moment where Marco accepted the ~invisible relationship baton~ from Toby? Don’t worry bro, I vow to take care of your ex-girlfriend in sickness and in health! Thank you for your services!
Haleb: SEX ON YOUR KNEES
…and meanwhile, Hanna is in her safehouse sharpening a knife as she pinpoints which arteries to cut on Noel’s unconscious body. *lol*
Hanna: I’m sorry to rope you in like this, but when I saw the news, I didn’t know who else to call.
Mona: Well, next time, call me before you abduct someone and go on the run. It just makes my life a little easier.
IKR? What made Hanna think she can carry out this plan on her own? Actually, the better question would be what made her think she can carry out this plan *at all*. GURL KNOW UR LIMITS.
This can’t be said enough, BUT THANK GOD FOR MONA. Like jesus eff christ, I don’t even know how the bitch does it again and again, but she has saved Hanna from sabotaging her own life more times than I can count. Is there a Nobel Peace Prize award for criminal humanitarianism that we can grant Mona, because this bitch seriously deserves recognition for her work!
Mona: Hanna, you don’t need the test results. This is more than enough to put Noel behind bars! You can’t get any worse than the dollhouse!
Hanna: No! Busting Noel for the dollhouse is like busting a mob boss for tax evasion! I want Noel to be held accountable for everything he did! I’m gonna prove he’s A.D.!!!
GURL! WUT! NO! I DON’T UNDERSTAND, SCOOBY DOO! Can’t you hand over the USB to the police first and then you can investigate whatever you want afterwards? Is it really that important to solve this baby momma mystery just to satisfy Hanna’s curiosity and feel some sort of moral victory over A? Just lock him up and take down one of A’s minions while you still can!
Hanna: *gives fake police testimony* It looks bad, but I wanted to prove to my friends and to all of you that Noel is the person who has been tormenting us. I went to Holly Brook to find the girl he pushed down the stairs. If I could get her to talk, we’d have a credible witness. Unfortunately, I couldn’t track her down. I’m just so sorry that I worried everybody by disappearing like that.
Congratulations Hanna, you graduated from Mona Vanderwaal’s Academy for Aspiring Criminals! Here’s your diploma and certificate! CLAP CLAP CLAP!
…meanwhile, Spencer is literally sitting RIGHT THERE watching these two sluts with a face of thunder. *lolololol* Even Emily felt so much second-hand awkwardness that she cast a look of pity at Spencer afterwards. Like geez, Haleb, do you mind??? Can you please conduct your romantic reconciliation elsewhere away from Caleb’s ex-girlfriend? Or do the two of you get off on rubbing more salt onto your friend’s wounds?
OH MY GOD!!! Hanna eats fries in bed!? What a savage! Also, Caleb made some nauseating declaration of his eternal lurve, but I’m honestly so over Haleb at this point that my only response to them getting back together is a reluctant groan. Am I the only one disgusted that Caleb could say shit like *YOU WON’T ADMIT THAT WE’RE MEANT TO SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER* even though he was wiping snot from his nose and desperately pleading for Spencer to take him back a few episodes ago? His gross behaviour is just…ugh, gurl, talk to the hand.
The result is an annoying compromise where Hanna takes off her bra and goes topless in this scene, and PLL is like *ooh we’re such an EDGY and SEXY tv show*, but of course they cut away before we get to see the nips. Look, either show us her boobs or don’t show us any sex at all, nobody likes a cocktease!
Caleb and Hanna are officially back together again…or at least until he cheats on her cuz a leopard doesn’t change its spots. What infuriates me is not just how these two betrayed Spencer, but also the way they kept *denying their feelings* and *buying fake engagement rings* and *begging Spencer for a second chance only to hook up with Hanna as soon as she’s available*. Their overwrought romantic saga has been a tragic hot mess and it ruined Haleb as a couple forever. In fact, the only way Caleb can redeem himself in my eyes is if he cheats on Hanna with Mama Marin because the epicness would actually overshadow his awfulness.
It’s baffling because Hanna would go to jail if she got caught, yet she still didn’t think it was important enough to keep a watchful eye over her captive. As if it wasn’t bad enough that she left Noel alone, but she also left him alone WITH MONA. Okay, real talk, can we all agree the demon imp is responsible for freeing Noel and helping him run off with the incriminating footage? I don’t have proof, but you know if Mona gets any opportunity to troll the liars, she’s totally gonna screw them over. *lol so obvious*
The Second Coming of Nicole, Our Homewrecking Messiah
Ezra: I get why you deleted the call. No one should have to mourn someone twice…
Aria: Soooooo, do you wanna eat pork ribs or steak?
During their convo, there’s a noticeable contrast between Ezra still mourning in grief and Aria barely containing her glee. Why the long face, Ezra? That bitch is dead and now we shall feast, hooray!
Ezra mentioned there’s one last search party to look for Nicole, which should’ve set off immediate alarm bells for Aria. If this filler storyline still hasn’t been resolved by the finale, then you must realize there’s gonna be a !!PLOT TWIST!! Little does Aria know that her celebration will be short-lived and there’s a homewrecking tornado heading her way!
One: Call the government and beg them to cancel the search party. Please, please, please don’t rescue her!
Two: Take a leaf from Hanna’s book and pretend to be kidnapped, in hopes that Ezra will prioritize her abduction over Nicole’s.
Three: Fly over to Colombia and find Nicole first, so that she can choke the life outta the bitch with her bare hands! If those radical terrorists didn’t kill you already, THEN I WILL END YOU MYSELF!!!
Aria: His plane landed hours ago! I’m just asking you to tell me if he got on the flight! Don’t you understand!? He’s not answering his phone! He could be lying in a ditch somewhere! I AM HIS FIANCÉE!!!
Wow Aria, calm your tits. Yelling at a random stranger over the phone isn’t gonna bring him back to you. Besides, you know the airline employee is rolling her eyes on the other end and reading some generic response off the company handbook. Also, “lying in a ditch somewhere” is a tad melodramatic, no? Ezra is late for a few hours = HE’S DEAD OMFG!!!
What must be going through Aria’s mind right now as her whole world comes crashing down? You thought you were gonna marry Ezra, you thought you had no more competition, you thought you were gonna cry tears of joy when you found out Nicole isn’t alive… WELL, YOU THOUGHT WRONG BITCH!!! NICOLE LIVES!!! HA HA, SUCK ON IT, ARIA!!!
From a moral standpoint, there has gotta be no friggin’ way Aria can come in between Ezra and Nicole now, right? If she has any principles whatsoever, Aria should step aside, take off her engagement ring, and hand it over to Nicole because it’s rightfully hers to keep. C’mon, you can’t compete with her and you shouldn’t compete either. Just think, the only thing keeping the poor girl alive in the past three years is a tiny glimmer of hope that she can reunite with Ezra again. Are you gonna stoop so low and get in the way of their love story? Just quit, Aria! Forfeit! Surrender! It’s the right thing to do!
Theory One: Ezra never kissed Nicole! Aria only hallucinated them kissing because she’s an insecure jealous dingbat, but it was all in her imagination.
Theory Two: Ezra did kiss Nicole! Aria didn’t see it the second time because she was in so much denial and mentally blocked that horrible memory from her head forever. The image of Ezra and Nicole kissing must’ve shocked Aria so much that she developed post-traumatic amnesia immediately afterwards.
In fact, I hope Nicole gets offered a lucrative book deal to write about her experiences, and Ezra seizes the opportunity to fulfill his journalistic ambitions by co-writing a bestselling memoir with his new lover. The two of them will go on book tours, talk show appearances, followed by a televised wedding where Nicole announces she’s pregnant with his baby! The final scene of Pretty Little Liars will feature Aria as one of the wedding guests seated in the back row, as she quietly sobs over the perfect life that Nicole has stolen from her.
In fact, the only reason why Ezra hasn’t phoned Aria yet is because he’s too busy calling his publisher to secure the exclusive rights for Nicole’s story. I love you Nicole, especially if you’re gonna make me a world-famous writer!
I’m pregnant with your stolen eggs, Emily
Alison: Ugh, it’s hard enough going through this without being gawked at!
Emily: You mean Paige? I invited her.
Alison: Why? She has nothing to do with this. I just think it’s a little PATHETIC that she’s using us to get close to you.
Bwhahaha! Alison’s inner bitch may have remained dormant for the past couple of seasons, but all it takes is Paige being Paige and that’s enough to bring an entire volcano of bitchery into eruption. Grrr, who does Pathetic Paige think she is!? Dat beeyotch got no class!
Emily: Well, things with Sabrina are kind of on a pause…
To be fair, I don’t think even Emily knows that she’s dating someone considering how little she thinks about Sabrina. Can you pause a relationship when it hasn’t started at all? What I don’t understand is after going through all that trouble to win over Sabrina, it seems like Emily lost all interest in her girlfriend from the moment they started dating. Good for you if your milkshake brings all the lezzies to the yard, but please don’t string along the second-tier and third-tier love interests if you aren’t gonna make any effort with them.
LMAO. PAILY MAKES ME NAUSEATED! Okay, so I actually like Alison when she pretends to be a teary-eyed & sympathetic goody-two-shoes. But of course, I prefer her much better when she lets loose and behaves like a demonic raving bitch! It was a pleasure watching Alison at the top of her game during this scene, because her bitchery is truly sublime and second to none. Watching her insult Paige, it’s like watching an expert gunsman fire a round of bullets and hitting bullseye exactly every single time. Don’t stop, Ali! Say more bitchy things about Pigskin, yay!
Alison: At first, I thought I was just stressed. I mean, like before, but it was a false alarm. Oh my god, I can’t believe this is happening!
OMG! I can’t believe it’s happening either! This comes as a complete shock to me! Out of all the pretty little liars, I had Hanna and Aria pegged as the type of gals most likely to go for unprotected sex (Caleb: “I forgot a condom.” Hanna: “Oh well!”) I always figured we’d see a Haleb baby or an Ezria abortion as our very first PLL pregnancy.
One might think Alison’s best option is to make a nip-and-tuck appointment at the local abortionist, but I highly doubt PLL would abort such a juicy soap opera storyline in the final season. My prediction is that she’ll go through with the pregnancy despite a lot of waffling back and forth. Now, I don’t wanna give too much spoilers for the Pretty Little Liars reboot that’s happening in ten years, but Alison will give birth to twin girls, and Jessica DiLaurentis Jr. will try to drown Mary DiLaurentis Jr. in a bathtub during their troubled adolescences.
Alison: Of course! Who else would it be!?
Do you even have to ask whose baby it is? You guys, I’m calling it right now, Alison is totally pregnant with Emily’s stolen eggs from Season 6. I dunno the specifics, but A must’ve found a way to inject dem omelettes into Alison’s ovarian chutes back when she was unconscious. Um, how does that type of reproduction work, you ask? WHO CARES. We won’t let science or human biology get in the way of a future Emison baby! Just imagine Emily and Alison raising their mutant baby together as a happily married couple. OMG IT MUST HAPPEN.
Emily: No, you’re not alone! I’m here, okay? Whatever you decide to do.
1.) I love how Alison is incapable of expressing a nice sentiment about her mom without dissing her right afterwards. *lol* Excuse me, I’ll have you know Mama Di dispenses great advice, such as what type of fertilizer to use when burying your undead child.
2.) As you watch these Emison scenes, doesn’t it make you wish you can find somebody who loves you as much as Emily loves Alison? This type of unconditional love is so sacred and so precious. Ali, you’re not alone! I vow to attend every pregnancy yoga class with you! Let’s raise this baby together and start a happily dysfunctional lesbian family like The Fosters!
Emily: Ali, you’re really vulnerable right now…
Alison: That’s not why, I promise. *BIG WET SLOBBERING KISS*
Can Alison also promise that she isn’t kissing Emily as a way of manipulating her to get one over Paige? It strikes me as odd that Ali didn’t act on her feelings for Em until she saw Paige making a move first. The way I see it, this kiss was approximately *90% retaliation tactics* and *10% bicurious lust*. Sure I’ll kiss you Emily…as long as it stops you from kissing Psycho Paige!
Anyway, I’m just glad that Emily got rewarded with some nookie. In the past few seasons, she had so many of these *lemme stay over at ur place tonite* sleepovers with Alison, which never led to anywhere. After all this time of waiting and hoping for the right moment to come, Emily’s perseverance finally pays off and she gets to wake up on a sofa with Alison nuzzling against her boob!
Paige: Please, I just have to drop something off for my girlfriend!
Paige = LOL MESS. Oh honey, I don’t know what reality you must be living in, but YOU. ARE. NOT. DATING. EMILY. Her delusions are kinda funny, but it’s mostly just sad and pathetic watching Paige describe herself as *the official girlfriend* when she’s not even the *back-up girlfriend*. Bitch, you’re merely #3 to the throne! Know your place and take a goddamn seat!
Emily: Look, Ali is going through something and she needs me right now!
Paige: Unbelievable! Nothing has changed, has it Em!? She saw us getting close again and now she’s trying to drive a wedge in between us!
Okay, those are some strong words coming from the same chick who planned to drive a wedge in between Emily and Sabrina after seeing them together last episode. Hate on Alison all you want, but don’t hate her just because she took your exact same strategy and beat you at your own game.
Emily: No, that’s not what’s happening!
Paige: You know what!? Call me when you finally decide to cut the strings!
Not that Emily would ever admit it, but lol yeah Paige is serving some #truthtea and she’s basically right about everything. In fact, Emily is so under the influence that Alison doesn’t need to lift a single finger and could control her puppet through telekinesis. Kiss me, Emily! *yes master* Get rid of Paige! *yes master* Say you aren’t controlled by me! *yes master*
If I must choose between Emison and Paily (…we can rule out Sabrina at this point, right?), then I’d obviously buy Paige a one-way ticket to Ravenswood and tell her to disappear forever. However, I want some better closure for her character, because I don’t like seeing Paige still get bullied by the popular mean girl seven seasons later. Let’s hope she comes back in 7B with a bitter vengeance. I want Psycho Paige to reach her Super Saiyan mode and fight Alison to the death! Put these two bitches in a colosseum arena, let them duke it out in a gruelling battle, and may the best woman emerge victorious holding their opponent’s head on a stick!
Spencer gives Toby the KISS OF DEATH
Furey: I personally placed an officer on every one of your doorsteps. I’m taking the night shift. Eating dinner alone in the squad car is kinda depressing, so I got extra hoping you can join me.
Let me get this straight. His subordinates are all outside working, while Detective Casanova over here is too busy chatting up Spencer and asking her out for dinner. Just so you know, your hard-earned tax dollars are paying for this guy’s salary and funding his love life.
Spencer: That’s actually my favourite. How did you know that?
Furey: One of your friends might have helped me out.
Spencer: Was it Toby???
Furey: I don’t snitch on my informants.
Toby! What are you doing!? You’re supposed to get back together with Spencer, not playing cupid matchmaker between your bro and your ex! Despite his best efforts to set the two of them up, it only reminded Spencer that she’s settling for Detective Furey’s pasta carbonara when she could have Toby’s spaghetti bolognese instead. In other words, why are you still drinking plain old soda when you can easily snatch that delicious cherry soda right from Yvonne’s hands!?
Spencer: I’m really, really happy for you, Toby. You deserve love. You deserve that kind of great, big, beautiful love more than anyone else I know.
Toby: Thank you. I hope you find the same.
“You deserve love” is just another way of saying “I love you” to somebody, right? This is basically a love confession without the exact words. Spencer is dancing right on the edge here, one more euphemism and she can effectively be charged in homewrecking court.
Besides, even if Toby did understand the language, what made Spencer think that he would enjoy reading poems in his leisure time? I’m sorry, but Mr. Cavanaugh doesn’t strike me as the type to wax lyrical over Dr. Seuss and his mad rhymes. He wouldn’t read poetry even if it was in English, let alone in French. The only use Toby would ever have for this book of poems is if he was squatting over the crapper and just happened to run out of toilet paper.
Spencer: Toby, can I kiss you? Just one last time? Just to say goodbye?
Holy lol, I can’t believe she actually said that? TIME IS RUNNING OUT FOR SPOBY, LET’S KISS ALREADY! Kudos for being honest with your feelings, but most of us just keep our lecherous thoughts inside our heads. And kudos for going after what you want, but umm…he’s engaged? Also, you have a boyfriend? Remember Detective Furey? Remember Yvonne? Most importantly, do you remember you still have ethics, Spencer Hastings???
You might think Spencer would be more sensitive to poaching somebody else’s man after what happened between Hanna and Caleb, but apparently the one important lesson she took from that experience is how CHEATERS ALWAYS WIN. Wow Spencer, you of all people should know better than to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Just because Caleb cheated on you doesn’t make it okay for you and Toby to cheat too. Tsk tsk, Miss Hastings! I am seriously TSK-TSKING at you, gurl!
The first time you kiss somebody’s fiancé, it gives you a bad reputation. But the second time you kiss somebody’s fiancé, it gives you an iconic legacy. Now I’m rooting for Spencer to go on a massive slut rampage and tongue down every engaged man she encounters. Better lock up your fiancé, Aria! Spencer Hastings is coming for your Ezra!
Toby: *texts Spencer* Heading out soon. And I just wanted to say… *whispers* I love you.
NO TOBY! Put that phone away! Ugh, searching for a decent, trustworthy romantic partner in PLL is like chasing a mythical unicorn. Just when you come close to finding one, he whips out his phone and starts sexting his mistress (“miss u babe! see attached dick pic xoxo”) behind his fiancée’s back. Oh Toby, how very Anthony Weiner of you.
On the surface, this seems like a simple car accident…or is it? If Spencer was here, she’d definitely describe it as a **FIRST-DEGREE MURDER**. We’ll have to wait for the investigation reports to see if the brakes were cut or the airbags were rigged, but my theory is that the Spoby fans were involved in this diabolical assassination plot. Noooo, our plan backfired! We only wanted to kill Yvonne, not both of them!
Yvonne, on the other hand, is totally DEAD DEAD DEAD. This bitch is meeting her maker, 100% guaranteed. Her death certificate is already signed, her body is already cremated, her ashes are already spread across the sea. You must realize PLL didn’t pull off this car accident stunt just so Toby and Yvonne can both climb out of the wreckage, holding hands, and carry on their merry way. This is the most obvious ploy for her character to die so that Spoby can live.
Personally, I’m indifferent to Yvonne and couldn’t care less whether she lives or dies. My only reservation is that I can’t believe yet another black chick is gonna die on this show!? Maya, Shana, and now Yvonne. Um hello, Pretty Little Liars? Ever heard of BLACK LIVES MATTER? I don’t care if Yvonne’s character is some disposable, useless, pitiful excuse for a love interest, her puny insignificant life still matters! *raises empowering fist*
Welcome to Queen Jenna’s castle of hell!
Hanna: Is there any way that you made a mistake? There’s no way that you dropped ketchup from your hot dog or one of the hairs from your beard fell in there?
Only in Hanna’s world would a scientist get a blood sample and a splotch of ketchup confused. Does she think this is a laboratory or a hot dog stand? It’s not like they do the blood test in one hand and eat fries with the other hand.
The pretty little liars sneak out at night, but first they record a fake conversation of themselves and trick the police into thinking they’re still inside the house. This leads to a comical situation where the entire police force is standing guard around an empty building. Just think, Detective Furey is currently outside pounding on Spencer’s door, trying to ask her out on a second date, but ends up getting stood up in the most humiliating way. “Spencer, I can hear you in there! If you don’t wanna go on a date with me, then just come out and say it to my face! ”
Spencer: Did you remember to tie him up???
Girls, have some more confidence in your friend! I’m sure Hanna knows exactly what she’s do- OH SHIT NOEL IS GONE!!! I should also point out Mona’s inconspicuous absence, even though she had promised to take care of the hostage situation on her friend’s behalf. Oh surrrre, Hanna, go run off to have sex with Caleb while I stay here and keep watch over the mess that you made! As soon as Hanna stepped out of the room, Mona had already cut him loose and sent him away with a suitcase because that’s what you get for trusting the demon imp.
Hanna: He took the camera! He can make it look like I kidnapped him!
Alison: You did kidnap him, Hanna!
LOL. Oh Hanna. If only she had the foresight to take the camcorder with her, Noel wouldn’t have anything to blackmail her with right now. And as an added bonus, she’d also have a juicy sex tape with Caleb for a keepsake!
Mona: I’m here to make an offer. Stop looking for Noel and leave those girls alone.
Jenna: And why would I do that?
Mona: Because, Bonnie, Clyde’s gonna be in police custody real soon. And my hunch is, he’s gonna sing like a canary.
Lemme translate their exchange: MONA LAUNCHES AN AIR STRIKE! JENNA RETALIATES BACK WITH A CANNON EXPLOSION! DANGER DANGER, PEARL HARBOUR IS DOWN!!!
Then again, an alliance between two forces so deadly and so powerful is never meant to last for long. It’s impossible for Queen Mona and Queen Jenna to co-exist in the same space without a massive power struggle between them. This is what happens when there’re two queens vying for one throne. They may be able to negotiate temporary ceasefires and peace treaties, but it’s inevitable that one of their kingdoms will declare all-out war against the other sooner or later.
How embarrassing that some of us can’t even do this properly while seated in front of a mirror using both hands (how many of you have been told: “oh sweetie, you got lipstick on your teeth…” during your lifetime?), whereas this blind girl is schooling everybody and showing us how it’s done. *putting on mah jungle red lipstick* And that’s why they call me queen!
The only explanation: SEASON OF MALEB. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, but Mona x Caleb gotta be endgame. Can you imagine how Hanna might react if they get together? Abducting and assaulting Noel will seem like minor crimes considering what she’d do to the two of them!
Okay, I’ll just say what everybody is thinking right now, but who dis bitch??? For a moment, I thought this was some production member who stumbled onto set to touch up Mona’s eyeliner. Apparently this is Sydney, one of Jenna’s henchmen who managed to stay alive over the years. Her only purpose is to stand in for her master, like a neglected understudy, whenever Jenna can’t be bothered to show up during a scene.
How spooky is it that an established school with over 100+ years of history immediately shut down after Jenna’s arrival? Coincidence? I think not. Our queen must not have been satisfied with the accommodations here, so she had the staff exiled and the school itself burned to the ground.
Jenna: I DIDN’T LOSE MY SIGHT, YOU TOOK IT FROM ME!!!
Unable to contain her fury towards those bitches, Jenna’s voice blasts out through the intercom all of a sudden, giving the pretty little liars quite a fright. When I die and go to hell, I expect to hear this terrifying voice speak down to me in the same omnipresent manner.
Um okay, did the USB grow legs and walk away on its own? Otherwise, how could it just vanish into the air like that within a split second? The only logical explanation is that Jenna must’ve turned into a bat and swooped down to grab the USB while nobody was looking.
THIS IS WAR: Jenna & Noel vs. Pretty Little Liars
Personally, I wouldn’t take the risk of staying inside this creepy haunted school for one second longer than necessary. Just leave now and buy a new phone, gurl! Unfortunately, Emily still has two years left in her cell phone provider plan, so she insists on going back to find her Samsung Galaxy. The liars decide to split up and Hanna joins her friend on this adventure quest. Hey, what could go wrong? It’d only take a few secs to grab your phone, right? It’s not like Noel and Jenna are waiting upstairs with axes and handguns in an all-out ambush, riiiight?
AND BOOM! That was the sound of a cannon shot, because war has been declared between Jenna’s Army and the pretty little liars! Before we begin, lemme give you the background on this guerilla organization known as Jenna’s Army. Queen Jenna Marshall, a well-respected leader known for her cunning mind and her merciless warfare tactics, spent the past decade assembling a group of loyal henchmen and training them into militant soldiers. Together, they form a dangerous rebel faction with one mission in mind: KILL ALL LIARS.
Commander Noel Kahn is the finest lieutenant in Jenna’s Army. He’s known for his sociopathic tendencies and his insatiable bloodthirst. Queen Jenna put him in the frontlines of this war, fully confident that Noel can annihilate her enemies and bring five dead bodies back to her!
Noel: You can run, but you can’t hide! You bitches never understood me, I always get what I want. I taught Jenna a lot, but one thing she taught Charlotte and me was how to smell fear.
Noel was just wandering around with an axe and reciting these horror movie lines like a lunatic madman. The scariest part isn’t even the axe in his hands, but rather his complete descent into insanity. WHAT A FUCKING PSYCHO.
Sure, Queen Jenna carrying the gun is awesome and she looks badass as hell, but you’d think it might be a smarter allocation of resources to give the firearm to Noel instead. Also, I don’t understand why Jenna and Noel decided to split up. All the tactical strategists know that the war commander and the military lieutenant should be navigating the battlefield together!
Jenna: Alison? Is that you!? You’ve been the bitch. The missing girl. The dead girl. Tonight, you get to be me!
I got chills, y’all! How glorious was it to watch Jenna bitch out Alison while standing on top of a staircase and waving a gun in her face! This magnificent showdown was everything that I ever wanted out of life! YAAAAAS KWEEN!!!
Both of them take a swing at the same time and Noel’s axe falls into the floor on impact. He uses his fists to strike the girls, only for Emily to dodge his attack and deliver an awesome knuckle sandwich into his face! Noel falls down… directly… ON THE AXE!!! What a great tag team effort from our two ladies, with Hanna providing the assist and Emily scoring the touchdown. Congrats Emily Fields, your kill count just increased from *ONE* to *TWO*!
I guess that’s the end of Noel Kahn, huh? Unless they can use superglue to put the decapitated head back with the rest of the body, his character is pretty much dead. It’s sad to mourn the loss of a legendary warrior from Jenna’s Army, but at least he went out in a fucking spectacular way. We salute you, Commander Kahn, and you can rest in peace knowing that your head will be placed on a mantle in the Jenna’s Army Hall of Fame.
Spencer, before you die, I am your mother
Jenna: You’re like scared little rats! And you should be!!!
Goddamn, Jenna is soooo effing hardcore! Every five seconds, she’s either cackling evilly or taunting her enemies with epic death threats. Needless to say, I’m obviously cheering on for our queen. DIE, BITCHES, DIE! YOU PRETTY LITTLE LIARS ARE *NOTHING* AND QUEEN JENNA IS *EVERYTHING*!!!
For those of you who ever doubted Jenna’s gunslinger abilities, she actually managed to hit bullseye. *lol boss* The bullet hit Spencer straight in the chest and caused her boobs to leak with blood. Okay, I don’t think it’s a mere coincidence that Toby and Spencer are both dying in the same episode after they kissed. This is definitely the work of a higher power, delivering karmic justice to those two cheating heffas. #KissOfDeath
Jenna: Is that you, Spencer? Hiding in the corner? I smell your blood!
Luckily, Mary’s ghostly spirit appears at that exact moment and comes out of nowhere to save Spencer’s life! Or she saved whatever remains of Spencer’s life, which I’m guessing is about thirty seconds left until she bleeds to death. Why didn’t Mary come out of hiding before Jenna fired the gun? Gurl, if you were here all along, we could’ve really used your help ten minutes ago!
Her gunshot wound looks quite serious and the medical pedigree that I obtained from watching years of Grey’s Anatomy has taught me she should be very much dead. However, just remember this is television, this is Pretty Little Liars, and this is the same show that rescued Ezra in spite of a bullet puncturing his vital organs. Just watch, they’ll reveal that Spencer was wearing two bulletproof vests & an iron armour underneath her clothes when PLL gotta explain how she miraculously survived the injury during the 7B premiere.
Mary: Spencer, I would never hurt you! I’m your mother!
Spencer: Oh, what the fu- *dies*
In the final fleeting moments of Spencer’s dwindling life, Mary decides this is the perfect time to drop a massive truth bomb! *SURPRISE! I’M YOUR MOMMA!* Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt this lovely mother-daughter reunion, but Spencer is kinda dying right now? Maybe not the best time to tell your child that her whole life has been a lie right before she dies?
My next question is: “Who’s the baby daddy?” OMG, can you imagine if it was Peter, after he banged the twin sisters and got both of them knocked up with a love child? Bwhahaha, that would be the most fucked up scenario ever, so of course Pretty Little Liars definitely needs to *go there*!
Jenna: Who are you!? Did you shoot Spencer!? *gasps* You’re A.D.!
Um Jenna, you shot Spencer. You were there and pulled the trigger, remember? Why dis bitch playing dumb and using A as a scapegoat for her own crime? *lol* Anyway, I’m super excited to see these two god-tiered villains cross paths with each other. We welcome you to Jenna’s Army, A.D.! Let’s work together, conquer the world, and most importantly…KILL THOSE BITCHES!!!