It’s the PLL Season 7 premiere! With Hanna’s life on the line, will the pretty little liars manage to put aside their relationship drama and do something productive to save their friend? NOPE.
However, it appears that some of the main cast won’t return to the show after this season. *GASP* For the more ambitious starlets like Lucy Hale & Ashley Benson, they’re ready to ditch the show, put on their big girl wings, and fly out to the more lucrative opportunities out there in the horizon. While it’s possible there might be a Season 8, most of the important characters could be gone and we might be left with fan faves like Sara Harvey at the helm!
Hanna Marin is DEAD DEAD DEAD!!!
Spencer: Try to remember that it’s what she’d want!
Emily: I dunno if I can live with this. How can we bury… *SOB* There has to be another way!
Spencer: There is no other way, Emily! It was a well-thought-out plan. When it ends up like this, it’s called FIRST-DEGREE MURDER.
I love how Aria & Emily were freaking out while Spencer remained cool as a clam, holding it together, and behaving like a stone cold bitch. Somebody must have watched a lot of #HTGAWM and learned from Professor Keating because Spencer is a real pro at this. First-degree murder? Burying a dead body in the middle of the night? Like water off a duck’s back. *brushes shoulder* Can Aria and Emily stop being such crybabies about it and dig that grave a little faster please!?
Hey look, there’s a police station across from you! You’d think at least one of Snow White’s seven dwarves might have the common sense to go to the police for help, but NOPE. Um, they might as well write out Hanna’s eulogy right now because they’re doing absolutely NOTHING to save her.
Spencer: Wait, Toby, your job is on the line here…
Caleb: *stank face* Are you serious, Spencer!? Hanna’s life is on the line!
Oh my god, Caleb lashes out at Spencer for doing something as heinous as… expressing a concern? HOW DARE YOU SPENCER, DO YOU EVEN WANT HANNA TO LIVE!?!?
Like seriously, FUCK this cheating douchebag and FUCK the greasy pigpen that he crawled out from. I wouldn’t be so angry if it was just one douchey comment spoken in the heat of the moment, but Caleb’s asshole behaviour has been a repeated pattern throughout the premiere. He’s either ignoring Spencer or hurling abuse at her because she had the audacity to talk to him. Ugh, he’s just so awful and she deserves so much better. Fuck you to hell, Caleb Rivers!
Caleb: She knows where Hanna is! I will beat the truth out of her if I have to!
Wow, look who’s such a tough guy threatening bodily violence against a middle-age woman. *rolls eyes* You need to calm down, Chris Brown. Also, I’d like to see Caleb actually try and take on Zombie Jessica because I have no doubt that she’ll hand his scrawny punk ass back to him.
It’d be easy to call Mary the *evil twin* because duh, but let’s face it Mama DiLaurentis was already a pretty godawful human being as morally reprehensible as they come. Until Mary starts throwing away children into mental asylums, burying her alive daughter into the ground, and engaging in a streak of affairs with half the married men across town, she might actually be considered the *good twin* as far as I’m concerned lol.
The pretty little sheeple run into the church, only to look up in shock and see Hanna’s dead body hanging lifelessly on top of the bell tower! HOLY SHIT. HANNA MARIN IS DEAD. There was no pulse, no heartbeat, not a single sign of life in her. Everyone, please stop tweeting #SaveHanna because we were already too late to save her. Put a fork in it, because I can officially pronounce this bitch to be DEAD DEAD DEAD.
In fact, Recap Everything has a *100% GUARANTEE WARRANTY* that ensures Hanna won’t be able to die until she fulfilled all twenty episodes of her contractual obligations. She and the rest of the pretty little liars are basically IMMORTAL and INVINCIBLE until precisely the final ten seconds of the show.
Caleb: It isn’t Hanna!
Caleb: It’s a doll!
Everyone was distraught about Hanna’s death for five seconds before it’s revealed that PSYCH! DEAD BODY SWITCHEROO! It’s not an actual human body, just some rag doll wearing a Hanna mask. Ugh, worst plot twist ever? Unless Hanna’s real identity is that she has been secretly living as a reanimated doll all along for the past six seasons, just like one of those talking Barbies from Toy Story. In which case, best plot twist ever!
By the way, is this how PLL thinks they’ll be able to do Season 8 without the main cast? Just hire a bunch of nobody actors and then claim they’re the pretty little liars wearing the masks? BELIEVE ME U GUISE, I swear that fresh-faced actress is actually Shay Mitchell underneath her mask!
Alison, the tribe has spoken.
During this episode, there was a hilariously pointless countdown clock that’s supposed to indicate the hours leading to Hanna’s inevitable death. This might be interesting if Hanna was attached to a ticking time bomb or something, which she is not. What we got instead was a bunch of random numbers flashing across the screen every so often, signifying absolutely nothing to anyone. OMG, 11:22:34 until time’s up! OMG, 05:43:21 time remaining before doomsday! By the time the clock reached 00:00:00, guess what, nothing happened at all. *is completely shocked*
If they aren’t gonna get the details right, why bother having the timer at all? For all we know, Hanna could actually be dead right now and the clock would still say 23:32:23 time remaining. They might as well display the current Icelandic time on our TV screen instead, which is still more useful than this countdown clock!
Caleb: Yes, we will because we have to.
Mona: This is the first time we’ve all been working together. That’s what makes it different.
Whoops, looks like nobody told Mona that the other six *have* been working together all along, except she was never invited to the strategy sessions in their kewl kidz club until now. While Mona celebrates her story of acceptance for the very first time, you know the others are barely tolerating her presence right? It’s not like anybody wants her here, more like she forcibly inserted herself into their clique and they never had the energy to tell the demon imp that she’s not welcomed.
And with a majority of four votes… Alison, the tribe has spoken! *snuffs your torch* It’s time for you to leave this island and go to jail!
Mona & Spencer (1 vote each): Of course these two bitches would vote against each other lmao. Imagine the awkwardness if Mona did receive the majority of the votes at tribal council. Sorry gurl, but you’re gonna have to leave this kitchen island immediately!
No vote (1 vote): WHAT IS THIS ABSENTEE BALLOT BULLSHIT??? Emily was a total weak bitch sitting on the fence and refusing to vote. Like one of those #BernieOrBust supporters who’d rather skip the upcoming election than to vote for either Clinton or Trump.
Emily: Ali loved Charlotte! I mean, she stayed here and took care of her! Why would she do that just to kill her when she got out!? There’s no motive!
Exactly! Alison has been Charlotte’s biggest supporter, spending every day in the past five years visiting the asylum to worship her evil pseudo sister at the altar. This bitch has been chugging the kool-aid for so long that her tongue is dyed permanently blue. She’s the last possible person who could’ve killed her. And yet, here we are now, suspect number one!
Toby: She’s been on her best behavior since she got back, but we can’t pretend the Alison who blinded Jenna never existed.
MEOW. Ooh gurl, raise a hand and snap your fingers to go with that sass! BTW, this is the only time Toby would say anything nice about Jenna when he needs an excuse to justify his hatred towards Alison. Let’s not pretend that he actually cares about her well-being otherwise lol.
Naturally, Mona doesn’t need any prompting to talk smack about Alison. LOL, that bitch has some cheek when she’s the one who *DID* snap and even swung a warhammer against Bethany Young’s skull. It still baffles me how the others allow that demon imp to chime in like she’s part of their book club. Can anybody appreciate the irony of them sitting next to Mona who has MURDER on her rap sheet and asking her who the likeliest killer might be!? Newsflash: THAT EVIL BITCH IS RIGHT THERE.
Season 7 is the official season of Maleb.
Spencer: Oh, you’ve gotten a lot better at this!
Toby: Yeah, I took a tactical lock opening course at the academy.
FYI: Spencer also took the tactical lock opening course at the academy… She was the instructor, of course.
Toby: *reading a book title* FORK-UH-SHAT-CANNON, CONCEPT-TAA, AND-THE-SHARE-ME!
Toby thinks just because he impressed Spencer with his beginner’s French last episode, he’s suddenly multilingual in all other languages too. *smh* I would provide you with a direct translation of his words, except I’m not too sure if he’s speaking a known language to humankind? Maybe an alien from another galaxy watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix would be able to shed more light on what he actually said.
Spencer: I’m sort of obsessed with this language app where they reward you with a flag every time you reach the fluent level. Then your little emoji boards on a plane and it flies to the country.
Dat awkward moment when you spend an absurd amount of time looking for Spencer’s language app on your mobile device, only to realize that it’s completely fictional. WHY ISN’T THIS A REAL APP YET!? I WANNA SEND MY EMOJI TO DIFFERENT COUNTRIES TOO!!!
Spencer: French, Italian, German, and *this* close to flying to China.
NERRRRRD ALERRRRT. It should come as no surprise that Spencer would be playing the nerdiest gaming app to ever be created. While most of us are poring over our phones trying to match three jewels together, Spencer is figuring out how to conjugate French verbs into passé composé during her spare time. This is what constitutes as fun for me!
Spencer received the ultimate insult when the seven of them were pairing off and Caleb decided that he’d rather couple up with MONA instead of her. Can you fucking believe it!? This guy literally hates Spencer so much that he chooses to team up with his MORTAL NEMESIS rather than spend one more moment with his own girlfriend! *WTFFFF IS WRONG WITH YOU BRO!?!?*
Spencer: I was just wondering…
Caleb: FOOD IS THE LAST THING ON MY MIND, SPENCER!!!
Spencer: Erm okay, then I’m gonna go over the Mary Drake file again and…
Caleb: Alright, great. *hangs up abruptly*
KTHXBAI GURL! *hangs up* I’d laugh if I didn’t feel so bad for Spencer. Is she supposed to be some sort of punching bag and just take whatever emotional abuse that cheating asshole throws at her? It’s official: I want Spencer to dump Caleb and go back to Toby. I’m not a big Spoby fan either, but I’ll take Toby’s crappy German over Caleb’s crappy personality any day.
Out of all the reasons why Spencer needs to dump Caleb, his lack of personal hygiene surely tops the list. I can overlook the adultery, I can overlook the douchebag behaviour, but I can’t overlook those fleas!!!
Mona and Caleb would make a great couple because quite frankly scum deserves scum. *lol* Besides, the two of them always had this weird love-hate relationship between them. When I say love-hate, I meant that she’s kinda in love with him and he completely fucking hates her guts. This is the foundation of a beautiful sizzling hatemance waiting to happen, which PLL teased us with in the past, but they finally explored their hilarious dynamic during the season premiere. Needless to say, all of the Mona x Caleb interactions in the episode were PURE GOLD.
Caleb: I agree!
Mona: So, we’ll work together!
The best part is when Mona tries to create a ~moment~ and initiates eye contact with him, but Caleb instantly averts his gaze to avoid looking at her lolololol. You can’t stare into Medusa for too long or else you’ll turn into stone!
And you guys thought seeing him hook up with Spencer was bad, but just wait until he starts playing tonsil hockey with Mona and hatefucking together in a pit of vipers! That imagery alone is worthwhile enough to make this coupling happen. Recap Everything hereby announces Season 7 is the official season of Maleb. HAPPY MALEB DAY, EVERYONE!
Caleb: *spying* Bleach, charcoal, vinegar?
Mona: That’s everything you need to cover up a murder.
Caleb: What’s the charcoal for?
Mona: Absorbs the smell of death.
At times like these, you gotta appreciate Mona’s contributions to the group as a walking instruction manual for murderers. I know exactly what is in Mary’s murder toolkit because I have one myself!
Caleb: *continues spying on Mary* She’s gonna lead us to Hanna!
Mona: Yeah, because she’s on her way to kill her~
Whoops, was that a Freudian slip? *lol* Last season, Spencer might have experienced a moral dilemma over dating her best friend’s boyfriend, but Mona isn’t the type to mull around because dat bitch ain’t got a conscience. If Mona wants a man, she’s gonna go right in for the kill. And if that means literally killing Hanna along the way just to score a piece of the Caleb pie, then so be it!
Mona: And then what!? We waterboard her???
Wow, scariest couple ever? I gotta say, I don’t understand what’s wrong with Caleb and his repressed rage issues in this episode? For some reason, this mofo seems really eager to beat up a woman twice his age, because this is the second time he has expressed a violent sentiment about hurting Mary. First time you say this offhandedly, it makes you look like a douchenozzle. Second time you say this, do I have to call a women’s shelter because there is reason for concern???
Mona: Do you always have to be so direct?
Caleb: I was giving you a compliment.
Mona: Calling me names isn’t complimentary.
Is it just me or is it getting hot in here? BECAUSE CALEB & MONA’S CHEMISTRY TOGETHER IS ON FIRE!!! When watching their scenes, I can never tell whether I want them to kill each other or make out with each other, which is kinda the main appeal of this pairing? *lol* Either way, I wanna see Caleb and Mona interact a lot more this season. Note to PLL: please give us less tedious Haleb vs. Spaleb bullshit, and more eternal Maleb hatemance moments like these instead.
Mary Drake is an EPIC KWEEN.
Unfortunately, this news came at the expense of demoting Laura Leighton, which means we’ll be seeing even less of Mama Marin this season. NO KWEEN NO. Like wtf, I thought us PLL fans made it perfectly clear that we wanted more Wine Moms on the show and not less? If it were up to me, I would’ve made both women series regulars and totally cut out deadwood like *EZRA* from the main cast, sorry not sorry.
To put it in another way, Jessica is evil bitch you’d encounter in broad daylight, whereas Mary is the evil bitch you’d meet lurking in the dark late at night. Both twins are definitely evil bitches, but they have different flavours of evilness and bitchiness so don’t get them mixed up!
1.) During her early years, Mary has been an esteemed guest at the Radley asylum ever since a child died under her care while she was babysitting. Afterwards, the bitch was re-admitted several times until even the doctors working there were like *lol lost cause* and chucked her outta there 23 years ago.
2.) Since then, Mary plopped out Charlotte, abandoned her evil spawn, and went travelling around the world. According to Mary, she only moved away because her sister “turned everyone against me, my friends, my family, she poisoned them all against me”. I dunno how credible her witness statement is, but this does sound like a typical Jessica move. Chasing her sister away from the suburbs with a storm of self-righteous fury? Oh, that bitch would.
4.) After her sister’s death, Mary moved back to Rosewood and is now the owner of the Lost Woods Resort. We don’t find out what happened to the previous innkeeper, Harold the creepy school janitor, but the simplest conclusion is that Mary must have offed the basic bitch for getting in her way, sorry not sorry~
Mary: You and your sister look so much alike. Almost like twins!
“Almost like twins” – can we address the fact that none of those three words are even remotely true? I guess Melissa and Spencer look as if they could be almost like sisters, but calling them identical twins is almost like blind. Then again, Pretty Little Liars had already declared Alison and Charlotte were TWINS, Alison and Hanna were also TWINS, Aria and Ezra were TWINS OF THE SOUL. So, we’re almost at a point where any two characters on the show can be considered *twins* as long as they are of the human race.
And yet, seven seasons later and we’re still waiting for that precious occasion to arrive. Your sisterly bonding can happen any moment now, tick-tock bitches. Okay let’s be real, the only time when Spencer and Melissa experienced closeness was when they came close to strangling each other during one of their many intense bitchfeuds. *lol*
Mary’s best quality is how these bitchy insults come so naturally and effortlessly to her. She could lounge back on the sofa, make a cracking quip about you and your family, and then graciously take a sip of tea as she savours the aftertaste of her scintillating sass.
Mary: I was born first and she was born jealous. *sips tea*
LMAO. First of all, only Pretty Little Liars would get away with such a ridiculous line like that and still stay perfectly in context. Second of all, what an epic burn from an epic kween~ I mean, Recap Everything was already committed to loving this character as soon as the snarky bitch took her first sip of tea, but this masterful shade basically made me a MARY DRAKE FAN 4 LYFE. Third of all, some PLL characters are born perfect while others are born basic, it’s just a simple fact of life. *sips my tea*
Mary: You should lock this door. These days, you’re not safe anymore…
I love how Mary was so busy throwing shade that she forgot to threaten Spencer’s life until the bitch stepped out the door. Keep in mind that it has been one episode and her character is already delivering tenfold, so imagine all the bitchiness we can anticipate for the rest of the season. I don’t think it’s too early for me to get on my knee and present her with a porcelain teapot as a token of my love. MARRY ME, QUEEN MARY.
Kill Ezria, Elliott! They’re hiding in the closet!
Ezra: That’s a little weird…
Aria: Please don’t tell me you found a toy! It’s already bad enough that I’m going through Alison’s panty drawer!
A toy??? What type of evidence is Aria trying to find in Alison’s house? Unless Charlotte died from blunt force trauma after being struck by a giant dildo, I don’t think a toy is what you’re looking for!?
Um Aria, you’re supposed to be in hiding and not playing seven minutes in heaven, show a little self-restraint please. You’d think there might be an appropriate time and place to get frisky with your boyfriend, but a girl just can’t help herself and her impulses. How about a quickie in the closet while we’re waiting here, Ezra???
Um holy shit, was Elliott planning to cut, slice & dice Ezria’s bodies into a million little pieces? Or was he planning to trap them in the basement and slowly torture them with his delicate little toys!?
Unfortunately, our protagonists managed to flee from house of horrors just in time, robbing us of the horrifying Ezria death scenes that we deserve. Imagine Aria dying in a puddle of her own blood holding hands next to Ezra’s decrepit corpse. HOW ROMANTIC!!! Actually, if Elliott managed have his way with Ezra and Aria, I imagine what’s left of their body remains might simply be two fingers and possibly an earbud lulz.
At one point, Aria actually remembered that she has a friend named Hanna whose life is in danger, so she sighed a few times and pretended to be sad. Naturally, Ezra is by her ear with his soothing words: *you need sleep* *stay the night* *let’s go to bed* *we can relieve some stress* *it’ll only take a few minutes* *i promise to put just the tip*. Poor Hanna is literally dying as we speak and this is all dat perv Ezra cares about in his filthy one-track mind.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Aria: I’m looking for a guy…
Imagine walking into a bar and straight-up telling the bartender: I WANT A MAN. *feels second-hand embarrassment for you* Hey Aria, I know you’re thirsty, but they don’t serve that on the menu.
Aria: I don’t need to know what we are tonight. I just need to be with you.
Years from now, Aria will look back and recall all the special memories on this particular evening. Oh sob, oh sniffle, oh remember the night when my dear friend Hanna died under tragic circumstances? What was I doing again? OH YEAH, RIDING EZRA TO BANGTOWN ALL NIGHT LONG BABY!
You’d think the pretty little liars might try harder to rescue their friend considering there’s a 24-hour deadline on her life. Instead, they’re sipping tea with Mary, sucking face with Ezra, and wasting time to investigate god knows what. Never before have twenty four hours been wasted so frivolously and unproductively, and I would know since I spend my days watching and recapping Pretty Little Liars.
OMG, did you guys notice there was a strange puddle of water next to where Hanna slept? Yeah, I think we all know where that water came from, and let’s just say it didn’t leak out of the faucet. I don’t wanna be gross, but in the spirit of recapping everything, I’d like to point out there was a moment when Hanna got up, wandered around aimlessly, and then accidentally stepped into a puddle of her own piss. *lolawks* Poor Hanna.
WHY IS THE SCREEN SO GREEN THO??? Was there an equipment malfunction in the Freeform studio that caused the footage to come out radioactive green? Ain’t nobody wanna watch a wet t-shirt contest with Hanna looking like Princess Fiona from Shrek!
If you’re gonna do a torture sequence, I wanna enjoy it with natural lighting, sharp focus, zoom lenses, multiple camera angles, along with the full panoramic cinematic experience. Note to PLL: I want high-definition torture scenes, okay!?
Spencer: Something real is actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact! A dream is an experience and an experience is real!
lolwut. I’m sure that profound philosophy would’ve made more sense if it actually came from the real Spencer and not Hanna’s bastardized version of her. This must be how Hanna sees Spencer in her mind: a Yoda-like figure that’s always spewing off some vaguely intelligent yet completely incoherent crap.
Shockingly, Hanna didn’t dream about Caleb either! To be honest, I thought she’d be in the middle of hallucinating a 24-hour sex marathon with her boy toy. What a pleasant surprise to see that somewhere deep in her conscience, Hanna actually prioritizes her friendship with Spencer over her relationship with Caleb. Look at the two of them bonding together, omg precious friendship goals forever~ This scenario here is my ideal solution to the love triangle conundrum. Who’d want Haleb or Spaleb when we can have TEAM SPANNA instead?
Spencer: If there’s a way in, there’s a way out.
Thanks for the wise advice as always, Master Yoda! Hanna managed to escape by climbing through the air vent, which she never noticed until after 23.5 years hours into her captivity. I gotta say, A was being a sloppy bitch for not locking up Hanna in chains and putting more security measures around the perimeters. Somewhere deep in hell, Charlotte must be watching this scene with an exasperated sigh: “And that’s why you install an electric fence, amateur.”
Was that driver a Spaleb fan part of the #DontSaveHanna campaign? You’d think seeing a dishevelled half-naked girl chasing after your car and screaming for help would be enough to grab somebody’s attention, but that driver just stepped on the accelerator and continued on the road without giving a damn. *sees Hanna waving her arms in the rear view mirror* Yeah, whatever this bitch is doing, I’m not getting involved in it. *turns on the car radio instead*
Well, it’s been real and it’s been fun, but this has gotta be the end of the road for Hanna. The poor girl is already down to her last remaining HP and now she stumbled upon this LEVEL 999 DEADLY HELLBEAST. Sorry, game over, ain’t no way she gonna survive this wild encounter. We might as well prepare the coroner’s report right now. Victim’s name: Hanna Marin. Time of Death: 4AM. Cause of Death: ROADKILL.
Forgive me, Heavenly Father, for I killed Charlotte.
To nobody’s surprise, Alison’s crazy didn’t go away overnight and the bitch became even more apeshit than when she first checked in. It doesn’t help that her evil husband has been injecting all sorts of failed experimental drugs & horse tranquilizers into her body around-the-clock. Oh honey, it’s time for your two o’clock dosage of rat poison! Sit back and enjoy the toxins!
Emily: I need to know the truth about Charlotte! Did you do it!? Did you kill her!?
Alison: OH GOD HELP ME! OH PLEASE GOD FORGIVE ME!!!
Emily somehow interprets Alison’s outburst as a murder confession? As if asking God for forgiveness is the exact equivalent to admitting that you committed a homicide??? DAT LOGIC. Besides, it’s astonishing how anybody can take what Alison says seriously when she’s so hooked on the drugs. This bitch is so mentally baked that she wouldn’t know who God is even if Marlene King appeared before her right now.
IMHO, Sabrina’s character trajectory has been a massive anomaly. Most PLL love interests immediately start a relationship with one of the liars, until their whirlwind romances die off in several episodes and these characters are never to be seen again. Sabrina has been appearing since last season, but we still haven’t witnessed any hanky-panky from her. You gotta wonder if this bitch is ever gonna put out for Emily? Hey Sabs, Pretty Little Liars is almost finished, so you might wanna hurry up and get a good screw in before your universe ends forever!
Sabrina: Are you okay?
Emily: Yeah, I’m fine…
Sabrina: Again with the lies!
Emily: I’m so sorry!!!
Sabrina: …that was a joke? *lolawks*
This conversation is the equivalent of apologizing for saying “good morning” to somebody. I’m so sorry I lied, this morning really isn’t that good!
AND DAT KISS THO. PLL even included extended footage of Emison’s legendary kiss from Season 5. Just when you thought the girls finished devouring each other’s faces, they continued licking, biting, slurping, sucking all night long. Makes you wonder why this wasn’t in the original episode? Doesn’t PLL know they were sitting on a fanservice goldmine with this X-rated footage?
But wait, you ask, how can you be so sure that… NOPE. It has already been decided that Alison’s execution will proceed at 12 o’clock tomorrow. The defense may now adjourn.
Excuse me, do you have your receipts, because I’m pretty sure she did NOT say that. Just to summarize, Alison is accused of murder after Emily made up a fake testimony and found an unwashed piece of laundry in her room. THIS IS SOME SERIOUS BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE. Like wtf, Emily!? You were supposed to be the most loyal DiLaurentis disciple! I mean, friggin’ Alison went down on you like a deep water scuba driver, and in exchange she still couldn’t secure a little loyalty outta dis bitch.
Aria: It’s different, Em. Hanna is innocent. ALI IS NOT!
Toby: We don’t have time to debate this! Right now, Alison is safely locked up at Welby and Hanna’s life is on the line!
U GUISE!!! There’s no time to contemplate a serious murder allegation that puts Alison’s life at risk! We must seal her fate now! You’d think one of the pretty little sheeple might remember how this same scenario played out in Season 5, after they spent a whole season accusing Alison of murder. If at first you don’t succeed, accuse and accuse again until you finally prosecute your friend for a crime she didn’t commit!
Elliott: How are you feeling? Maybe a little crazy? Don’t worry, I’m going to take care of you. I’m gonna make sure you live a long life rotting away in here.
Elliott drops the loving husband act and lets his *inner evil* shine brightly from within~ Beneath his fake mask and his fake accent and his fake personality, this guy’s real identity is a twisted sociopath. I don’t wanna kill you outright, because imma keep you here as my braindead frankenstein pet, pumping you with drugs and watching you suffer for an eternity!
Alison’s life can be surmised in one word: KARMA. From the moment she first disappeared (karma!), to the moment she was buried alive by her mama (karma!), to the moment she was wrongfully imprisoned (karma!), to the moment her husband performed a lobotomy on her (karma!) Keep in mind that Alison was a bitch during her freshman year of high school, after which she had been constantly punished over the NEXT EIGHT YEARS, and she’s STILL being judged for her reputation as a teenager to this date.
Um, you guys, it’s not like she blew up Hiroshima? Exactly how much more karma does a bitch have to take before we cut her some slack???