It’s the filler episode before the five-year time skip! Watch me write two thousand words about the two minutes of new footage in the new Pretty Little Liars special!
HOWEVER, I will write about the two brand new exclusive scenes included in this episode! One of which is a classic *Alison vs. Mona* showdown that must be documented online and analyzed thoroughly. I’m like a historian obliged to record every war and battle out there, except I only write about catfights and petty feuds between bitches.
Exclusive Scene #1!
Geez louise. How would the poor families of Detective Wilden and Bethany Young react when they discover their children’s murderer is currently living a life of luxurious imprisonment? There might have been a lot of problems with Radley, but at least that place looked like a human hellhole as opposed to this oasis paradise.
Has anyone considered that Charlotte is constantly told she’s a bad person because she IS a bad person? On a spectrum of good or bad, let’s just say she clearly leans one way more than the other. *lowers voice to a whisper* Oops, hopefully she didn’t hear what I just said about her, or I may have just added 20 more years of irreversible therapeutic treatment for our poor delicate flower Charlotte.
I thought it was gonna take years to ~reverse~ all the psychological damage, so it’s kinda strange seeing Charlotte this calm and subdued. I almost expected this crazy bitch to push Alison to the ground, throw the book in her face, and pound her chest while screaming out “A IS BACK, BITCHES!!!” Sadly, this unseen footage must have been cut out on the editing room floor.
Sorry for all the inappropriate incest jokes, but I simply cannot visualize any physical intimacy between Jason and Charlotte without sexualizing their interactions together. Once PLL crossed over the incestuous threshold, you just can’t suddenly turn a romantic relationship into a familial one instead. When I saw the two of them hugging, I honestly pictured Jason with a boner after touching his sister and sniffing her hair.
Exclusive Scene #2!
Alison: *bell rings* Alright, think about this over the weekend, because there WILL be an essay about it!
Why of course, Oscar Wilde is exactly the topic that every high school student wants to think about as they head into the weekend. “Cancel our plans immediately!” The football quarterback said to his cheerleader girlfriend, “We need to spend this Saturday and Sunday pondering over all the fascinating Wildean philosophies!”
Besides, what legitimate school would put dis bitch in charge of educating teenagers? What valuable knowledge does Alison possibly have that she can impart onto these young impressionable minds? Hello class, today’s lesson is on how to lie to the police about a fake abduction! I know Rosewood High set the bar as low as Mr. Fitzpedo, but it’s like they aren’t even trying to have standards with their teaching staff. At the very least, can someone please double check Alison’s college diploma to make sure it isn’t forged or bought online?
Mona was carrying a mysterious ~*gift box*~ in her hands. When I saw this, my first thought was: “HOLY SHEET IT’S A BOMB!!!” Can you blame me for thinking so? The demon imp exuded such an evil aura with her all black attire and that permanent smug smirk on her face. Turns out she brought cupcakes as a peace offering, but at this point I already pulled the fire alarm and instructed everyone to evacuate the school facilities immediately. THIS IS A REAL BOMB THREAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!
Mona: Alison DiLaurentis…never thought you’d be the one to stick around Rosewood.
Alison: After you ran me out of town with a pitchfork, I actually came to like this place.
Mona: And a teacher even!
Alison: Considering my limited high school experience, I have to say I missed it.
You’d think the pair of them would be less catty now that they’re supposed to be mature adult women, but their feud remains as juvenile as ever. In the next time skip fifty years from now, if Alison and Mona hadn’t killed each other by then, I fully expect these two grandmas to continue slinging schoolyard insults over the bridge table inside a retirement home.
Aria: Apparently, she’s writing fancy short stories and reading them to a crowd of bored onlookers at open mic nights. Yep, this sounds like such a nerdy literary activity that is right up Aria’s alley.
Spencer: She’s at the White House (Rose Garden), stalking the Obama family, and trying to recruit Malia to join the show as the next pretty little liar.
Hanna: According to Mona, she and Hanna went on a spring break vacation to Miami, where the two of them slutted it up at Matt Damon’s (sex) party.
Emily: Poor Em had a rough year. It must be around this time when she discovered her ~*one tru luv*~ Alison is getting hitched with some random dude. Feeling betrayed by that manipulative heartbreaking pseudolesbian temptress, Emily decided the best way to numb her Emison feels is to pack her bags to California, stalk her high school ex-girlfriend, and have lots of dysfunctional rebound sex with Paige. ALISON DITCHED ME FOR A GUY! TAKE ME BACK, PSYCHO PAIGE!!!
Alison: You’re not here to celebrate, you’re here for HER. You applied for a summer job at Welby and as Charlotte’s warden no less. Kind of an interesting choice for a poli sci major. Dr. Rollins didn’t recognize your name on the application but saw you leave, thought you looked familiar. *shrugs and smiles* We blocked your application, hehe!
The fact that Dr. Rollins could recognize her so easily just by looking at the bitch proves that Mona must have tried to infiltrate the asylum multiple times in the past. alol goddamn gurl u r doing the most.
Mona: Should Charlotte ever get cell phone privileges, what is she gonna post about us!? I’m about to start a career in the public eye! I need to know her intentions!
1.) When Mona says that she needs to know her intentions, that’s basically code for I NEED TO SILENCE THE BITCH WITH POISONOUS CYANIDE!!!
2.) Does anyone find it laughable but also a little scary that Mona is starting a career in *the public eye*? Doing exactly god knows what, but I shudder to think of her working as a satanic cult leader or possibly as an anchor on FOX News. ~*dark times are ahead of us*~
Mona: She was a master at playing the game, even better than me! You may trust her, but I don’t think I ever could. When can I see her!?
Alison: When she gets out, and I know she will. Charlotte has been working VERY hard.
Wow, Charlotte has been working so hard at behaving like a normal person who doesn’t go around threatening and killing people! She deserves a medal of excellence! And here I thought A would get maximum life imprisonment with no chance of parole, but I guess the rules are a little different when you’re screwing the doctor in charge of your sister’s diagnosis.
Marlene: You’ve become very protective of Charlotte. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s the whole DiLaurentis story, seeing how these sisters have survived. To me, that’s how I think you and Charlotte are alike. You’re both survivors.
Sasha: *nods in agreement* Success stories.
Am I the only one scratching my head at all this!? Survivors of what!? Did Charlotte survive her own psychotic breakdown and murderous impulses!? It’s really bizarre to me that PLL has gone down the sympathetic route with A, depicting her as some kind of tragic victim and barely acknowledging her guilt at all. Talk about whitewashing your evil villain! From the way they spoke of her, you’d almost expect Charlotte to be anointed into sainthood.