This PLL episode features a Christian Grey wannabe; the pretty little liars’ nudes get leaked; Alison officially becomes Lorenzo’s wife; and there’s even a scandalous gay warehouse hookup!
I guess Pretty Little Liars wanted to pay tribute to the Fitty Chaise of Gay phenomenon and decided to cast a lookalike impersonator who vaguely resembles Mr. Grey. I imagine this actor originally auditioned for the actual 50 Shades movie, but the casting directors were like: “Sorry you didn’t get the starring role for our billion-dollar blockbuster, but hey, we know a third-rate, low-budget, cable TV show for prepubescent teenagers that’s looking for an actor just like you!” And then, the character of Rhys Matthews was born.
Fifty shades of A
Hanna: Y’know, I’ve always wondered about college credit. Is that like when you show up to class and they give you some money back? Because I could really be into that.
May I remind everyone this is the same girl who got accepted into multiple ivy league schools!?!? You guys, what’s a scholarship? Is that like when you fail a test and they make you ship some money back? Because I could really not be into that.
To be fair, Ashley is a little biased since she already eyed a couple of designer handbags and a 7-day vacation to the Bahamas with the extra $30,000 in her bank account. Fork it over, Hanna! I’m not paying for your college tuition just because you got ethics! Who cares if there are blood stains on the dollar bills as long as the benjamins are mine!?
I gotta ask, what is Hanna’s Plan B for paying her college tuition? Actually, Plan B was that beauty pageant debacle, but so what is her Plan C? Is she gonna plant a tree and hope money grows out of it? Or will God reward Hanna for her decency and drop a gold brick from the sky?
Hanna: Hey, you there! Bring me a bubbly water with three ice, no lime, and a swirly pink straw. Oh, also a light snack, but nothing too salty.
Spencer: Uh… No, she doesn’t want anything…
Hanna: That was really rude. I wasn’t actually thirsty, Spencer. I was just trying to make us look NORMAL.
Yep, nothing says normal than ordering drinks from the office receptionist like it’s happy hour at the bar. I’m surprised Hanna didn’t give a tip to go along with her order.
Hanna: WILL YOU STOP TOUCHING THINGS!?!?!?
At one point, Spencer even picked up a Magic 8 Ball and started shaking it for answers. TELL US WHO CHARLES DILAURENTIS IS, O MYTHICAL BALL!!! *shake shake shake* Wouldn’t it be fun if the pretty little liars carried around this little toy from now on? “Are we on the right track with our investigation this week?” Magic 8 Ball says… **ALL SIGNS POINT TO NO**
Hanna: Shhhh!!! *crumples a piece of paper as loudly as possible*
SHUT IT, SPENCER!!! You’re leaking confidential information! Insider sources tell me that Rhys is in the adjacent room, listening through a glass cup pressed against the wall! By the way, I love that Hanna thinks crumpling a piece of paper is an effective way to cover up a conversation from the hidden microphones. WHAT!? I can’t hear a single word you’re saying because I’m crumpling this sheet of paper VERY LOUDLY!
Hanna: My mom applied for the scholarships, but she didn’t know I had a few other options.
Rhys: Multiple scholarships offers? That certainly is impressive!
Let’s consider the possibility that Professor Hanna is the recipient of multiple scholarship offers, beating out countless others based on her exemplary academic performance and dire financial need. Tell me if I’m wrong, but this bitch is extremely lucky to get her high school diploma in the first place, let alone getting accepted into a good uni with even one $30,000 scholarship. Besides, I don’t know why there’s all this hoopla over Hanna’s post-secondary education when we all know she’s gonna drop out before the first semester ends. *lol*
Okay, this shit sounds pretty corrupt. In other words, it isn’t actually a ‘recommendation’ as much as it’s a bartering deal along the lines of *hi i’m jason dilaurentis, if you don’t give this woman’s daughter a $30,000 scholarship, my daddy won’t do business with you anymore*. Also, it makes you wonder how Ashley actually ‘applied’ for this scholarship when the details are so vague. She probably formed a VERY personal connection with her sponsor Jason with two hands clasped around his hairy balls.
Then again, the pretty little liars aren’t the most reliable eyewitnesses, since they also think Alison and CeCe look practically identical to each other??? I guess as long as you have fair white skin and rich blonde hair, you gotta be a DiLaurentis!
BTW, speaking of long lost DiLaurentis brothers, does anybody still remember the lost little lamb pictured in this screenshot? You may have seen his face on a milk carton somewhere. The original Jason 1.0 has gone missing since the first season and nobody bothered looking for him ever since. How will Jason 2.0 and Jason 3.0 react when they discover about their TRIPLET BROTHER that they never knew they had!?!?
Emily: Why do you have a photo of Jason on your phone???
Okay gurl, are you blind or are you serious? Even Jenna can look at this picture and point out that’s not Jason. I guess from Emily’s point of view, every single man looks exactly identical to her. What, another generic white guy on Pretty Little Liars, how am I supposed to keep track of them all!?
Emily, will you go to prom with me?
Unfortunately, Aria’s repressed psychopathic tendencies have been validated once she was chosen to compete in dat photography contest. Now, this bitch is going full throttle and she’s taking as many creepy doll photos as humanly possible. She has photos of dead doll corpses (pictured on the left) and photos of homicidal psycho dolls (also pictured on the left) and even photos of dolls performing autoerotic asphyxiation (NOT pictured on the left, you sicko!) Her entire portfolio can be surmised as OMFG ARIA, WHY ARE YOU SO DISTURBED!?!?
Mama Montgomery claims that she’s concerned about the safety at the art gallery, so that’s why they can’t go to the show. Deep down, we know the *real* reason is because Ella feels embarrassed by those creepy doll photos and doesn’t wanna be seen in public as the mother who raised such a psychotic daughter. Okay Aria, you can go to the art show as long as you put a paper bag over your head and not bring shame to our family name!
Lt. Tanner: I wouldn’t agree to it if there was risk involved. I would be more than happy to have officers stationed. We can even put them in unmarked cars if you don’t want undue attention.
Mama Montgomery gave such a hilariously elongated bitchgaze at Lt. Tanner afterwards. ORLY BITCH? Ella doubts every word and knows her daughter is walking into a death trap. You can put them in marked cars or unmarked cars, tricycles or unicycles, it won’t make a difference, A is gonna get those bitches!
Lt. Tanner: You have an eye for detail, Aria. Every one of these pictures is so… Declarative. Succinct.
Why does Lt. Tanner sound like she’s describing forensic photos of a crime scene? Based on the photographic evidence, I can *declare* this doll died between the *succinct* time of 3AM to 4AM! Good job Aria, I’m sending your photos over to the CSI lab!
I don’t think anybody is surprised that Aria ended up picking the ballerina dress instead. Of course she’s gonna go for the attention grabbing dress with the *omgwtfbitchwearing* print. Is there anything that screams DOWNTOWN ART SCENE more than having a hundred ballerinas performing the river dance on your bosom? This dress is SO Aria.
Okay, why does Aria sound like she’s giving out directions to navigate a hedge maze just to retrieve a jacket from her closet? *lol* To be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if her closet actually leads to a separate building specifically for storing all her clothes. You’ll need to have a map and leave a trail of bread crumbs if you wanna make your way through the thousands of dresses in Aria’s wardrobe!
Like geez, that was a bit of an unnecessary dig from Emily? *lol* I mean, it’s completely true tho. Her wardrobe is so loud that national security issued a statewide warning for civilians to shield their eyes with sunglasses because Aria put her ballerina dress on. The UV rays coming from this girl’s wardrobe might even be stronger than the sun.
Aria: The e-mail about side boob and backless gown? They send that out every year.
Emily: No, this was just sent to our parents.
No Aria, that e-mail is catered for just you guys every year, hehe~ Principal Hackett knows these girls *so* well that he gives them advanced warning not to show up to prom in their usual outrageous fashions. The part that gets me the most is how nobody else except for the pretty little liars receive this message about the dress code. It’s just a friendly reminder for all you heffas out there: no side boobs, no backless gowns, and remember to wear underwear!
Aria: Will you be my prom buddy? Two single ladies, we can buy each other those giant corsages and just go out and have stupid fun. Oh, I’ll even throw in a couple of slow dances.
Unfortunately, Emily is already TAKEN. Unless Aria is willing to throw in a couple of steamy kisses and some hanky panky beneath her dress, she’s gonna lose the prom bid to Sara who’s actually willing to put out that night. Sorry girl!
Emily: You’re okay with going solo? I mean, it’s not 1912. You can ask the guy.
Instead, let’s focus on how Aria is FOREVER ALONE. This single lady was perfectly happy putting her hands up in the air like Beyoncé instructed *until* she realized that all her other friends have arm candy at the prom. Now, Aria is freaking out because she’s gonna be the only LONELY SPINSTER in the group, ohnoes!
Aria: I’ll be fine. I’ll go unescorted. Not 1912.
Okay, what do these girls have against the year 1912!? It’s the same year when The Girl Scouts is founded by Juliette Gordon Low according to Wikipedia, so this is actually the year when feminism reached its peak!
Ezra, will you go to prom with me?
Clark’s creepy obsession over Aria is perplexing when you consider how she’s honestly not that interesting of a person. Am I wrong? I mean, I highly doubt we’ll find her name on Barbara Walters’ list of 10 Most Fascinating People at the end of the year. IDK why Clark is seemingly soooo curious about this boring human poodle?
Clark thought he was being so discrete with his casual sexual harassment, BUT I SEE YOU!!! STOP TOUCHING THE TEENAGER IN INAPPROPRIATE PLACES!!!
It feels like we’re watching some sort of Stalker vs. Stalker contest take place, with these two mofos competing against each other to see who can invade Aria’s privacy the most. But honestly though, wouldn’t it be better if they joined forces and worked together instead? The two of them can meet up, exchange notes, and collaborate a schedule so that their stalking wouldn’t overlap each other. You get the weekdays and early mornings, I’ll take the weekends and late night action!
Ezra: Was that Clark? I was hoping I’d get a chance to meet him.
Aria: Is that why you were eavesdropping?
Ezra: You just met the guy. He sure was asking a lot of questions.
Well, considering Ezra just met Aria at the bar in the first episode before immediately ravishing her in the restroom, I’m sorry that some of us take the time to get acquainted with the jailbait before banging her. Maybe Ezra should’ve asked some questions too when he first met Aria, starting with: “Are you over the age of consent?”
Ezra: Honestly, I’m suspicious of everyone these days.
Um… Does that include yourself, Ezra? You don’t get to call other people suspicious when you’re the one who acted SHADY AS FUQ towards your own girlfriend and installed FIFTY THOUSAND SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS to watch the pretty little liars’ every bowel movement on the toilet! And yet, he still has the nerve to act like Aria’s saviour, gently reassuring her there’re so many bad guys out there but she can still trust him. Ugh. Fuck you, Ezra. Fuck you sooooo much.
lolkay ezra~ Stop tooting your own horn just because you accidentally took one bullet for Aria that one time. Getting shot is not an actual skill and does not make you qualified bodyguard material. If Ezra actually became Aria’s personal bodyguard, he’d break the world record for having the shortest life span and the shortest time on the job. “Aria, I’ll pro- *takes six bullets and dies instantly*”
And then, Ezra exclaims YES, YES, YES A MILLION TIMES!!! and he picks up his beloved Aria in his big burly arms as he showers her with sweet delicate kisses. Confetti rains down on the happy couple while all the Ezria fans tearfully rejoice… Oh wait. None of that actually happened because he REJECTED her instead. *lol how embarrassing*
LOL Aria. Gurrrrrl. That was a glorious mess. Technically, Ezra didn’t say no, but Aria is already backpedalling so much when she has a rare self-aware moment and realizes what a human mess she is. Girl, you’re asking your former teacher to go to prom at the same high school where the two of you fucked during remedial lessons, what part of that made you think it was a good idea???
Soon, Aria is so desperate for a prom date that she’ll be forced to turn to all the former love interests that she had spurned in the past. Andrew, please forgive me! Karate Jake, take me back! Holden, remember me? Any takers!? ANYBODY!?!?
Of course in the ~*real world*~, it’s unthinkable for a high school teacher to go to prom with his former student no matter how much they convince the sentencing judge about their undying love for each other. SEVEN YEARS FOR STATUTORY RAPE, KTHXBYE.
Poor Aria has to witness all of this while that homewrecking ho Nicole smiles sweet as pie at her. Oh, she knows what she’s doing. Checkmate, bitch.
Poor, poor Aria is feeling so hopeless that she even initiated a conversation with Clark just to get away from Ezra & Nicole. OMG I GOTTA GO TALK 2 MY BUDDY CLARK! This must be the only time I’ve seen Aria act *happy* about seeing her creepy stalker friend, which goes to show you how **desperate** she must be feeling right now lmao~
Clark’s scandalous gay hookup!!!
Hilariously though, Aria goes on the offensive and begins asking Clark all sorts of random crap about his life. Have you won any awards!? How many contests have you been in!? Also, why do you ask so many questions!? It was funny watching Aria ~*turn the tables*~ on a completely bewildered Clark as the sudden-death Q&A continues. What’s your sexuality!? Are you circumcised or not!? Last but not least, how many inches???
Clark: No… They couldn’t make it…
Aria: WHAAAA??? They know how big of a deal this is, right? It’s not that far of a drive?
Clark: No, it’s not. I…I didn’t want them to feel obligated to come. In case I don’t win.
Aria: Aww! So there’s no one here for you?
Aria was being hilariously insensitive when Clark admitted that none of his friends & family came to support him at the gallery show. SOMEBODY IS EVEN MORE ALONE THAN I AM, TEEHEEHEE. Yes Aria, please rub it in his face some more about how much of a friendless orphan loner Clark is!
Eventually, Clark had to excuse himself in the middle of their conversation, presumably to go cry in one of the toilet stalls after Aria brought up some painful repressed memories about his family. “I…I thought I got over being estranged from my parents, but…but this bitch reminded me that every day is a STRUGGLE!!! ”
The pretty little liars believe Rhys and Clark were meeting up because they’re both evil henchmen of A, but bitches please. You actually stumbled upon a scandalous gay hookup between two secret gay lovers who are having steamy gay sex inside a warehouse. I know, it’s a weird place for a sexual encounter, but imagine doing it on a conveyor belt, on a crate of boxes, on the top shelf of a pallet rack. HOT, HOT, HOT!!!
To be honest, it’s not really that big of a deal if Rhys and Clark wanna bone each other at the back of some warehouse, yet the pretty little liars are SCANDALIZED by the clandestine gay hookup that rocked their worlds. Their first order of business is to immediately go tell Aria that she’s being used as a beard. Oh my god! Your friend… he is… oh, I can’t even say it out loud! CLARK IS A HOMOSEXUAL!!! *shocked faces all around*
NO SON LINDAS
This bigheaded bitch definitely thought she had the competition in the bag and her victory is a foregone conclusion, so Aria is gonna saunter towards the stage and take over the podium. “One of whom will leave here tonight with a summer internship…” The emcee announced as Aria marches forward confidently. Yup, that’s me! I’m ready to receive the award and give my acceptance speech now! I’d like to thank Ezra, God, my parents, my friends, and my adoring fans for this win!
The police has to shut down the gallery in order to do a full investigation. This probably spared Aria from the humiliation of receiving 2nd place in the contest after the judges decided that A is their new winner for having the superior set of photos. *lol*
Or at least that’s what the message originally said *until* Lt. Tanner throws in ten additional twists into the proceedings. All of a sudden, she claims it’s a play on words! And A uncovered personal details about her bilingual background! And this is an implicit death threat specifically for Lt. Tanner! Like wtf is this bitch going on about, reading so much subtext into three simple words on a card. Girl, you’re not translating Egyptian hieroglyphs! The message simply just means “they aren’t pretty” in Spanish!
Lt. Tanner: I still stand by that!
Ella: HE DID THIS TO THOSE GIRLS AND THEN HE PUT IT UP ON A WALL FOR EVERYONE TO SEE!!! HE WAS IN THIS BUILDING!!! WHEN ARE YOU GONNA FIND HIM!?!?
Whoa there. Somebody needs to shoot a tranquilizer dart into Ella’s neck and sedate this bitch. Mama Montgomery was RAGIN’ because the watchful surveillance of a hundred police officers on 24/7 duty offered no protection whatsoever. Naturally, Lt. Tanner refuses to accept any accountability and still insists that she had the gallery 100% locked down with no danger or threat at all. What seems to be the problem? Your daughter is still alive, right? You can thank me later, bitch.
Ella: The police are not doing enough! We have to protect our girls! We have to do something! But what can we do!?
Well, for starters, you can take a rock and throw it out the window in hopes of hitting that pesky spying bitch outside! Hurry, let’s crumple a piece of paper so that Red Coat can’t eavesdrop on this conversation!!!
Poor Aria, she didn’t even save any pictures on iCloud and her nudes still got leaked to the public. In case you didn’t know how traumatized Aria feels right now, she drones on and on during this really, really, really long-winded monologue, which is just a flimsy excuse for Ezra to cozy up and stroke her back like a feline cat. BTW, who thinks Ezra may have called the gallery afterwards and placed an anonymous bid to buy those nude photos? NO SON LINDAS, BUT YES SON EZRAS!
The worst part is that Ezra thinks he’s getting away with it, but I’m gonna be documenting every incident of his sexual harassment just in case we need to take this evidence to the lawyers!
Alison is the perfect waifu
Alison: The person they’re describing on the news… I mean, I don’t even know who that is!?
The revisionism has gotten so bad that Ali is even questioning the validity of the news reports. How dare they say such horrible things about him! That doesn’t sound like Charles at all! Um Alison, it’s the news, they’re only stating your brother is a deranged homicidal maniac because it’s a fucking well-known fact.
Alison: We had birthday cake that day at the arcade when Jason and I met him. Charles gave me his frosting…
Oh wow, what a touching story! Truly an emotional tale of everlasting familial love! All it takes is a little bit of cake frosting before Alison made up her mind about who the *REAL* Charles DiLaurentis is, despite what the news reports or his criminal record or the many dead bodies in his path of destruction may indicate. Nobody knows my brother better than I do! I believe in his innocence! Team Charles forever!
During this scene, she went on a glorious epic rampage, ripping apart Alison and her entire family to shreds. Not a single moment was wasted, since she was always delivering a bitchy one-liner or making some disgusted face at Ali. It was one of the finest bitch smackdowns I’ve witnessed in my lifetime. I think I had my fist raised in the air and just exclaimed YAAAAAAS KWEEEEEEN for three full minutes during the entirety of this scene. In short, Hanna is just the fucking best and her legacy has been been memorialized in her ~*greatest hits*~ below!
Spencer: Maybe the police could do one of those age progression sketches. We can finally put a face to the name.
Hanna: And maybe someone can put a fist to that face.
Alison: *furrows her brows while watching the news report*
Hanna: *staring straight at Alison, lips pursed and arms crossed, begins shaking her head in disapproval*
Spencer: Ali, you should ask your dad…
Hanna: Yeah, like he’d give a straight answer.
Emily: Ali’s mom was practically the only person who even knew Charles existed.
Hanna: And he used her to fertilize Spencer’s petunias!
Hanna: Charles is VICIOUS. We all know that. And now everyone else knows it too!
Alison: Charles gave me his frosting. How does that turn into vicious?
Hanna: You played skee ball ONCE. I wouldn’t call that FAMILY BONDING.
Spencer: I think what Hanna is saying is that it’s hard for us to imagine that A is your brother.
Hanna: NO. What’s hard to imagine is that you even feel the slightest bit of pity for Charles! He has been OUT FOR BLOOD! FOR ALL OF US!!!
Spencer: We hear you, but it’s unfair to Ali…
Hanna: WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SHUT ME UP, SPENCER!? I’M JUST SAYING WHAT YOU GUYS ARE THINKING!!! If you guys are too scared to be honest, then FINE. I’ll do it for you.
Hanna: I’m sorry, Alison. I know this must really suck for you, but I’m NOT GONNA sit here and help you give A the benefit of the doubt! I hope the police catch him, because there’s NOTHING they could do to him that is WORSE than what he did to us!!!
The two of them started dating a while ago, but it seems like Alison skipped the girlfriend phase and already upgraded herself as Lorenzo’s wife. She spends all her time at his apartment, prepares homemade meals for him, and cleans up after her man. Alison is also doing his laundry too. Okay, the only time a woman should be washing a man’s clothes is if you’re either his momma or his missus. Once you’ve washed the shit stains off a guy’s underwear, you’re no longer considered the girlfriend anymore, you are officially THE WIFE.
Their domestic bliss is kinda strange considering they haven’t even gone on a proper first date yet. Do you wanna go out and catch a movie tonight, Ali? No, I’d rather do more chores around the house instead!
Lorenzo: Would you grab me some water please?
I think you meant to say “yes, master” at the end of that statement, Ali. To be fair, Lorenzo does have an arm injury, which he’s milking for all it’s worth. Help! I can’t move my lazy ass and walk three steps to the fridge because of my arm injury! WATER PLZ!
Personally, I wouldn’t mind marrying Ali just so she can make soup for me every day. In fact, I’m getting down on one knee and proposing to her right now before somebody else does. Will you marry me, Alison DiLaurentis!? I promise to give you a lifetime of happiness and a lifetime of household chores!
(BTW, I was looking *VERY* carefully over Lorenzo’s access card and his police badge and any form of personal identification that displayed his birth year or his actual age, but that astronomical number was kept as confidential as possible. )
Alison heads down to the police station under the assumption that she’ll uncover the latest archaeological discovery about Charles DiLaurentis, which is LAUGHABLE because the po-po may know even less about A than the pretty little liars. Gurrrrl, if you’re gonna jeopardize your relationship, at least jeopardize it over actual pivotal information and not some useless police mumbo-jumbo. Naturally, she gets caught in the act three seconds later when Lt. Tanner bursts into the room and pounds on the bitch: “YOU CROSSED A LINE, YOUNG LADY!!! ”
Lt. Tanner was a hilarious villain as always, with one hand on her hip and wagging her index finger every chance she gets. She even claims that Alison had JEOPARDIZED the entire police investigation and now they’ll never be able to catch A solely because of her, thanks for nothing bitch! Notice how Lt. Tanner doesn’t kick Alison out of the room right away, allowing her to absorb the ~*sensitive information*~ everywhere until it all sinks in. Police confidentiality may be paramount, but calling out a bitch right here on the spot takes precedence first!
Alison: I didn’t touch anything…
Lt. Tanner: *points finger* I need you to put that down!
The most hilarious moment is when that compulsive lying bitch Alison claims she didn’t touch anything in the room when she’s LITERALLY holding a piece of evidence in her hands. *lmao* No touching the historic artefacts in this museum, ma’am!
Lt. Tanner: We’ll bring him to justice, with lethal force if need be. You may not want this for your brother, but it’s necessary for the PREDATOR who put six girls through absolute hell.
For a moment there, I thought the *PREDATOR* that Lt. Tanner was talking about was HERSELF. This bitch was goddamn scary during the confrontation and I almost feared that the Tannersaurus would have charged forward, flashed her fangs, and devoured Alison whole!
Lorenzo: You made me soup, you folded my laundry, you waited until I fell asleep…
Alison: I know how this looks…
Lorenzo: Then please don’t try to make it seem like something else! How the hell am I supposed to believe you!?
After this massive betrayal, there’s no way to salvage their relationship anymore. I WANT A DIVORCE, ALISON!!! But not before you help me turn on the light switch in my apartment, because I’m too goddamn lazy to do it myself, thank you ex-waifu.
Alison: You would’ve said no, and I would’ve done the same thing anyway.
LOL BOSS. Lorenzo is seriously stuck in 1912 mentality and thinks a woman needs a man’s permission just to leave the house, but thank god Alison DiLaurentis is a modern independent womyn who will do whatever the hell she wants. *you go sista* Anyway, I’m glad their relationship is FINALLY over, with Alison leaving that sucker Lorenzo after giving him a broken arm & a disciplinary hearing at his workplace. Bye bye for now Lorenzo, see you in divorce court!