Happy birthday, A! Your birthday present was supposed to be a bag of gummy bears with a kick of marijuana, but Officer Toby already ate them all. This episode also has more Sara Harvey drama & more Vandergomery drama, ugh.
When Sara Harvey was introduced in a filler subplot several seasons ago, who would’ve thought this bitch is gonna dominate so much airtime years later? Just to put things into perspective, her character appeared in every episode so far, which is significantly more than Caleb, Toby, Mona & even Alison. At this rate, Sara is gonna get main billing, she’s gonna replace Aria in the opening credits, and we’d be lucky to see five minutes of the pretty little liars before Sara’s never-ending drama takes over the entire show (and also the universe).
Can anybody name *one* Sara Harvey storyline that you actually found enjoyable this season? Okay, that’s a trick question because there aren’t *any* in existence. After putting up with her bullshit for seven episodes, I’m just really fed up with this unnecessary human being and her unnecessary scarecrow drama. Enough is enough, bitch. Quite honestly, I feel like it would be a better use of everybody’s time if they cut out all of Sara’s scenes and replace the missing footage with McDonald’s commercials instead.
Sara: Last night… I’m not sure if something happened or if I dreamed it…
Emily: Ohhhh, it happened~~~
Okay, technically, we didn’t see anything *happen* beyond these two lesbians kissing, but we can all use our imaginations to visualize the freak in between the sheets. Also, I love how Emily is literally grinning while she replies back, as if she’s fondly reminiscing the sweet caramel taste of Sara’s puss on the tip of her tongue.
Emily: There will be more~~~
lol @ Emily’s Freudian slip. Hey girl, there’s plenty more where that came from. She said it so matter-of-factly too, as if it’s such a definite certainty that the two of them will be exchanging spit in the near future. Somebody must be feeling quite confident, look at dat player with da swagger~ Hey Sara, last night was just the appetizer, you’ll get served the main course soon enough!
Emily: *clearly embarrassed* I mean, with other people! Erm, I mean…
Yes, there will be lots more kisses, but they certainly won’t come from me. *blockades legs* Okay girl, you should probably just stop talking now. Emily is the perfect example of why you should never try to converse with your romantic partner, because it always ends in verbal diarrhoea. If you can’t say it in under 140 characters, then don’t say anything at all. More kissing, less yapping please!
Now that we met Sara in-person though, does anybody feel more sympathetic towards Claire’s stance? You gotta admit, “I WISHED SHE WAS DEAD” isn’t an entirely wrong assessment about Sara Harvey. Claire reminds me of Cassandra from Greek mythology: the prophetic woman who warned us about the human tragedy known as Sara Harvey, yet nobody believed her until we witnessed the horror with our own eyes.
It was the same shit that Emily pulled when Alison came back to life. We all remembered how quickly she went from “OMFG ALISON USED ME I HATE HERRR!!! ” to “Kisses with Ali make the world go round~ ” I had Claire’s character pegged as a major lesbo from the moment she was introduced, so we should’ve guessed her hostility towards Sara actually stemmed from unresolved sexual tension. Notice how quickly Claire forgot she was supposed to hate Sara as soon as there’s an opportunity to play criss-cross with her friend’s legs, hmm…
You’d think this bitch may have the courtesy to excuse herself to go to the restroom or go make a fake phone call, but she just continued sitting there in awkward silence while the other two continued to ignore her. Hey Emily, get a hint? There’s an UNWANTED poster with your name on it.
Emily: SARA HAS A PLACE TO STAY -AND- POLICE PROTECTION AT MY HOUSE!!! I ALSO DON’T THINK LT. TANNER WANTS YOU OUTSIDE OF ROSEWOOD!!!
As soon as Claire suggested that Sara could sleep over at her house, Emily immediately shut that shit down with an iron fist. HOW DARE YOU, BITCH!?!? Sara is sleeping over in my coochie, not yours! At one point, Emily was so desperately reaching and grasping for straws that she even cited Lt. Tanner as a valid reason in her argument: “Lt. Tanner would want you to stay here with me, Sara! She ships the two of us together!”
Emily: Look, I didn’t wanna say anything, but I’ve met Claire once before. She didn’t have the nicest things to say about you…
Sara: Yeah, she told me. Honestly, Emily, I didn’t like me that much back then either.
Despite Emily’s best efforts to sabotage them, Sara and Claire rekindled their friendship in a calm, mature, rational manner…which is surprisingly uncommon for this show. PLL’s usual idea of conflict resolution involves these girls bitchslapping the shit out of each other, so who knew normal people could work out their differences simply by talking it out? *lol*
Emily: Are you sure about this??? You don’t look sure!
Oh my god, Emily, stop it! Just let her go home! As if it wasn’t bad enough this heartless bitch convinced Sara to abandon her mother, now she’s trying to cut off her only group of friends too. Does Emily genuinely believe she has legal custody over Sara? She’s being so possessive over her girlfriend that it’s beyond disturbing. It’s almost as if Sara was sold into sexual slavery as Emily’s royal concubine and must never leave her palace until the day she dies. Don’t you ever dare run away from your master, Sara Harvey!
Anyway, thank god we finally exterminated that musky rodent from Emily’s house! BYE BITCH BYE! Unfortunately, her character isn’t out of the picture yet, so don’t get your hopes up because we still have to put up with infinite more ridiculous Sara Harvey drama in the near future. *sighs and puts away the champagne bottle*
Mona x Mike are the *worst* couple
Not that I’m doubting Aria’s creative skillz, but are we sure this fellowship isn’t some kind of scam? Apparently, the contest winner gets $$$ as well as a summer internship at a prestigious magazine in Los Angeles. This mysterious magazine is *so* prestigious that it doesn’t even get named in the acceptance letter. For all we know, Aria could win and find herself working on the summer edition of the local high school newsletter.
Aria: You’re the one who said all my photos were creepy.
Mike: I mean creepy in a good way.
lol @ Aria just casually comparing herself to Picasso without any irony. Gurrrrl, you wish! I was just joking when I compared her to Van Gogh, but this bigheaded bitch literally thinks she’s hot shit and already considers herself as one of the greats. Picasso, Van Gogh, Warhol, Montgomery. Move over, Picasso! There’s only enough room in the National Museum to feature one of our artworks!
It has to be said, but Aria’s creepy doll obsession must be surely foreshadowing a future revelation that she is A, right??? Somebody look at that brutalized doll victim and tell me if that came from the twisted mind of an evil psychopath or not???
As individual characters, I obviously love Mona and I guess Mike is alright too. But as a couple, their scenes are just soooooo cringe, oh my gawd.
Mike: I haven’t talked to her or seen her since you guys were rescued. I left a hundred messages, I stopped by her house, I talked to her mom, she doesn’t wanna see me.
Oh sorry, let me bring out the world’s smallest violin for you. *rolls eyes* Are you fucking kidding me!? Get the fuck outta here, Mike! Take your juvenile middle school shit to some MTV show where it belongs, and please stop ruining Mona for the rest of us.
And Janel, she’s trying her best in these scenes, but she needs a better partner to bounce off and also a much better script to work with. After six seasons of PLL, we already know Mona is an evil bitch deep down and we love her for that. But in her scenes with Mike, they keep portraying her character as ~emotional~ and ~vulnerable~ even though that’s not her real personality. No, just no, I don’t buy this sympathetic version of Mona no matter how hard she tries to sell it. Bitch, stop pretending you have a soul! Just embrace your pure evil and own it!
Mike: What you did was incredibly stupid, and yeah I’m pissed as hell at you, but it doesn’t matter.
Mona: Yes, it does! It matters!
Mike: Not to me! Not now! All it matters is that you’re alive! LOOK AT ME, MONA!
OMFG STOP IT! This is like wrist-slitting levels of dialogue here! Ugh, I don’t even know wtf their storyline is about. I think it has something to do with Mona avoiding Mike because she’s embarrassed about faking her death or whatever? And then Mike was like *i still love you no matter what blah blah blah* Okay, kiss and end scene please.
Hanna wins a scholarship
This theme for this episode is that all your dreams will come true in the mail. First, Aria receives a letter of acceptance for her photography contest. Then, Hanna receives a cheque with a shitload of money. Who’s next? Hurry, Emily! Go over to your mailbox right now and maybe you’ll find Claire’s bloody severed head inside! YAY 4 ANOTHER MAIL MIRACLE!
Ashley: While you were gone, I applied to every scholarship I can find! It helped, planning for your future and believing you still had one. I can’t believe it, one of the applications actually paid off! Literally!
I guess the moral of the story is that if you send out enough spam, you’ll eventually be able to monetize off your daughter’s disappearance? Um good job, Ashley?
Ashley: They probably sponsored a hospital wing or something. Jason recommended it, he said his mom donated all the time.
Oh. *knowing look* As soon as she mentioned Jason’s name, I’m pretty sure we were all thinking the same thing, right? Let’s solve the mystery behind this so-called scholarship money. Folks, there is no scholarship, that’s just a smokescreen. This was a financial transaction between a man and his female escort. In other words, this cheque right here is actually PROSTITUTION MONEY. Jason must have enjoyed his one night of pleasure with Ashley so much that he paid her $30,000 as a service charge. Thank you for helping me live through my mother complex sexual fantasies that night, here’s a cheque for all your trouble.
After a little online sleuthing, Hanna discovers that her sponsor (aka. The Carissimi Group) is a shady investment company with a shady scholarship and even shadier connections to Radley. In other words, it’s A. Why is there even an investigation at this point? It’s always A.
Ashley: Hanna, listen to me. With everything that family has put you through, you deserve every last cent of that scholarship money, which is why I’ve already deposited the cheque. And believe me, that felt really great!
Ohohohohoho~ Wow, not that I’m surprised, but Ashley wasted no time taking that cheque to the bank and cashing out. Damn right I’m gonna use every last cent of that illegitimate DiLaurentis money! Mama gonna spend that thirty grand on a new car, a new wardrobe, some new boots and some new boobs!
A’s birthday party
“Dear Daddy, Coming home for my birthday. You should plan a party to die for. Just you.”
As soon as Papa D saw A’s birthday card, he immediately packed all his bags and skipped town in the middle of the night. WHAT A PUSSY, AMIRITE!? The pretty little liars must have received over 100+ death threats in their lifetimes and you don’t see those bitches running away at the drop of a hat. All Kenneth got was one measly little scary message and he was already like *g2g checking into the witness protection program*.
Alison: Dad, I know you’re trying to protect me, but we have to tell someone! We have to tell the police!
Weirdly enough, Alison has the audacity to talk smack and criticize her dad for running instead of talking to the po-po? Girl, you’re the poster child for running away like a panicked sewer rat, so idk where she gets off judging other people!
I can’t be the only one who thinks that they’d make a hot couple, right? Is it wrong that Lorenzo seriously has more chemistry with Jason in this one scene than he did with Ali in the entire season? You chose the wrong DiLaurentis sibling to mack on, bruh.
Alison: *whiny voice* BUT DADDDDD…
Kenneth: One more word from you and you’re off my zombie apocalypse team, missy!
At one point, Papa D got so aggro in his cartoonish rage that he even started wagging his index finger at Alison. UP YOURS, ALI!!! *flips u the bird*
Who needs A when Alison has sabotaged her father’s life so much already? I swear, if they find Kenneth’s dead body in the room next morning, I’m calling the cops so they can arrest Alison as an accessory to this crime!
Alison: Sleeping pills.
As Sun Tzu once said, know thy enemy. You know Mona is collecting intel right now and must be making a mental note to herself *not* to consume any food or beverages served by Alison in the future.
Dr. Hanna Marin, M.D.
Just don’t show this tracking gizmo to the love interests or it might give them ~ideas~. Ezra is looking at this beautiful invention and he gotta be thinking: “Oh damn, where can I buy one of dat!?” And later that night, Caleb is having sex with his girlfriend and he’ll be like: “Hanna, open wide so I can insert two fingers and a microchip!”
Spencer: We’re exactly where we were two months ago.
Hanna: Yeah, except now we have hardware in our necks. God, we’re like cyclops.
Hanna: *makes a face* I’m pretty sure it’s pronounced cyclops.
Once again, Spencer loses to Hanna in a battle of wits. Yeah, I’m pretty sure the right word is cyclops too. We need to trust Professor Hanna and her vast vocabulary knowledge. She knows what she’s talking about, she has a scholarship, y’know!
Would you trust Dr. Hanna Marin, M.D. to cut you open with a surgical knife and operate on your neck? I’m sorry, but no. Just no. I’ll take my chances, please leave my microchip and my blood vessels intact, thank you.
Kids, please do *not* try this at home. It might be educational to watch video tutorials on how to apply eyeshadow or put on make-up because that shit is tricky, but it’s NOT okay to go on YouTube and learn how to do an open heart surgery on your friends! You might think this is obvious, but after watching the episode, I feel that some common sense needs reiteration.
Hanna: What!? Where!?
Emily: What do you mean ‘where’!? When Dr. Amateur Hour cut your neck open!
Are we really supposed to believe that the pretty little liars cut each other open and removed the microchips from their necks? Um okay… *sweatdrop* Quite frankly, I’m surprised that none of them died from severe blood loss or become paralyzed from the neck down after botching some muscle nerves. Are we even sure that everything is screwed on properly? If one day, a pretty little liar turns around and her head comes falling off, they only have themselves to blame.
Toby gets high on gummy bears
Okay Aria, go make that call. We’d like to see you try. *hands on chin* What’s taking so long? We’re still waiting… *checks watch* The matter of fact is that we know these girls are too dense & too chickenshit to call the po-po. If they actually had the balls, they should’ve called the police for help since the first episode. So just put that phone away, sweetheart, we all know you ain’t gonna make that call.
Spencer: We’ll tell Toby. He’s got a badge and a gun. He can keep us safe.
He also got anger issues and a police stick to beat up adorable innocent nerds. Be real, would you trust the lazy, corrupt, and utterly incompetent Officer Cavanaugh with your life? Like fuck no, I’d turn around and run the other way!
Toby: Got it, Spencer. But if you try and follow me or go near Jason, she’s gonna be my first call.
1.) WHISSSSH!!! Do you hear that? It’s the sound of Toby being whipped by both his girlfriend and his boss. *lol* He’s like a pawn in their power games. “No, don’t tell Tanner!” Spencer warns, pulling a string attached to her boyfriend’s arm. “No, tell me everythingggg!” Lt. Tanner hisses as she yanks on the other string.
2.) Toby warning Spencer not to go near Jason = he knows romantic competition when he sees one. Better safe than sorry, it’s best to keep your girlfriend away from that alluring siren whenever possible.
There’s just one tiny problem. Err…how do I put this delicately? ITZ DRUGS, UR EATING RAW HARD DRUGS!!! Sabrina the Drug Dealer actually made a stash of gummy bears laced with *weed* and snuck it into Spencer’s bag as a *surprise* delivery. Surprise, you’re high! Except Spencer doesn’t know about this and Toby definitely doesn’t know about this, so he’s gobbling up all those marijuana gummies like a hungry, hungry hippo. *lolwhoops*
I’d like to say Officer Cavanaugh behaved differently after getting high on gummy bears, but he’s still acting like the same slack-jawed, ineffectual, bumbling cop as he usually is. *lol diss* “But Toby, we can’t leave our police post without letting our commander know! ” “Uh…no we don’t. Let’s go, I call shotgun! ” Not adhering to basic police protocol is something Toby would do whether he’s on-drugs or off-drugs, so I honestly can’t tell the difference.
Mona: I’m just glad I could help! I know I owe you more than just a car ride.
Alison: …… *starts playing with her phone*
Naturally, Alison saw through this transparent BS right away and she was simply having none of that shit. Her reaction was like *bitch please* and she flat out ignored that phony ass apology lololol~
Alison: I’M CALLING 911.
For a moment there, Mona genuinely panicked because she thought Alison might be calling the cops on her. *lol* Hello, 911!? I’m inside a vehicle with a dangerous deranged criminal, you gotta help me! See? You try to do a nice thing and offer your enemy a ride home, but she immediately turns around and gets you arrested. Yup, that’s karma for ya!
OH DAYUM SON. Bitch ain’t playin! Alison actually picked up the phone, called the police, and spilled all the beans! There’s none of Aria’s faux contemplative hesitation crap, this is how you pull off a real #ballermove. Of course, Alison is only brave enough to call the po-po after she hooked up with Lorenzo, and suddenly this bitch thinks she’s like the Chief of Police with all these officer minions under her command. But to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if the precinct hears the words “My name is Alison DiLaurentis…” and immediately hangs up the phone. Her name is probably on a police blacklist somewhere.
Second of all, it was nearly two decade ago since Jason and Charles last interacted with each other. What everlasting childhood memories could have possibly formed between them that lasted through into their adulthoods? Remember the time he almost drowned my sister in a bathtub!? I gotta meet this guy!
Sadly, Toby was even more hilariously inept than usual. The gummy drugs have kicked in, he’s like cross-eyed, dazed and confused, totally tripping balls all over the place. He’s holding a gun in one hand and a bag of gummy bears in the other. An entire year’s worth of professional police academy training and here’s this jokester slumped in the corner with drool coming out of his mouth. Good job, Officer Cavanaugh, you exemplify the very best in law enforcement!
Spencer: Jason, I’m sorry! *grabs his arm*
Jason: DON’T TOUCH ME!!!
Looks like someone is a lil touchy because they know they can’t fight their natural urges~ Dude, you’re the one riding your half-sister like your first pony, so idk why Jason got all aggro. Just think of poor Toby, who has to witness this sexual abomination on top of everything else he’s going through right now. “DON’T…GO…NEAR…JASON!” He clutched his chest and muttered with his last dying breath.
Spencer: I didn’t know she put those in my bag! I’m sure you’re only supposed to take one!
Toby: *mumbling* I need you to leave. I can’t have somebody come looking you and find… find… find… me like this.
Afterwards, there’s a melodramatic scene where Spencer is begging for forgiveness, but Toby has to turn his head away and tearfully ask his girlfriend to leave because he can’t have anybody see him like this! Go away, Spencer! Go away and bring me a change of underwear because I may or may not have just soiled myself!
Mike: I talked to Mona. We’re gonna try and talk things out.
Aria looked up at him in stunned silence, wondering if her little brother is actually trolling her. Are you fucking kidding me, Mike!? Your sister is crying her heart out in front of you, and you decide to cheer her up with the latest update on your grossmance with Mona!? Get the fuck outta here, Mike Montgomery! Nobody wanna hear that middle school shit!
Alison: He’s not worth ruining your life for! He’s not the person you remembered!
Jason: You don’t know I remembered, do you!? I was a kid when they took him! And every memory I did have, they tried to erase!
Oh no! I’m so sorry that all your precious ittle wittle childhood memories of going to McDonald’s with your brother have been erased! Cheer up, Jason! You need some good news! Did you know Mike and Mona hooked up again? Hooray, let’s drink to that!