In this episode, we dive deeper into the Lesli Stone drama that nobody cares about. Also, Aria’s personal life is invaded by her stalkers; Hanna and Caleb get rough with make-up sex; Emily finally scores with Sara Harvey.
Dean the Drug Counsellor is back on Pretty Little Liars once again. He must be here to ~collect his reward~ after curing Spencer’s drug addiction last episode. Excuse me, I didn’t help you overcome your substance abuse just so I can go home empty-handed! I won’t be leaving my guest stint without a kiss! I want lots and lots of kisses in lots and lots of different places! Tongue necessary!
Does this scene sound familiar to anyone? That’s because I basically described every one of Spencer’s romantic rendezvous in the past six seasons. Once you crossed that sacred entryway, you know it’s only a matter of time before you drop trou in front of Miss Hastings. Welcome Dean, you’re the latest member in a very exclusive club of men! Step on up and put on your lip balm! Your turn is next!
I’m in love with you, Spencer!
I kid you not, Dean literally said the words *IN DA HOOD*, which must have been one of the cool urban lingo that he picked up from back in the days when he was shooting drugs in da streetz. And here I thought Rosewood consisted of a nice affluent suburban neighbourhood, but Dean clearly hailed from the part of town where he was raised in da ghetto, da hood n’ da projectz among pimps and gangstas.
The thing with Dean is that he’s SUPER HAWT but he’s also super one-note. His character is only good for helping Spencer get off drugs and helping Spencer get off on his hotness. He’s just not interesting in any other capacity, I don’t wanna watch him flirt awkwardly with Spencer and go like “wassup gurl~ talk 2 me~” Either make out with her, or just stfu and go cure some other teenage drug addicts, stop trying to have a storyline!
Simmer down, heffa. Just be grateful that you’re even allowed to graduate after playing hooky for the entire semester, let alone give such a prestigious speech at the ceremony. Besides, you and I both know that you snatched the valedictorian title from my bae Andrew with his 4.0 GPA and his 400 extracurricular activities, which gives him another reason to hate that know-nothing know-it-all. The pretty little liars are truly the toxic dumps of this town.
Dean: So? Don’t do it. Just say no.
JUST SAY NO, KIDS! I love how Dean can use his ~*drug counselling*~ lingo in any context. My advice is applicable for both doing drugs and doing valedictorian speeches! *lol*
Hanna: Dean? Drug-free Dean? Why was he giving you gifts?
Spencer: Because we’re friends?
Hanna: Wow, Toby better hurry back to Rosewood.
1.) LOL @ Hanna reading dat bitch. Unless Spencer is just playing dumb on purpose, I dunno how she can be this oblivious to Dean’s affections. When a guy shows up at your doorstep with more presents than Santa Claus, he more than likely wants to ~climb up your chimney~.
2.) Every time Toby goes away for a couple of episodes, it seems like Spencer’s other love interests always come out of the woodworks and bark up her tree. There are many and they are persistent, like flies hovering a fresh piece of fruit. Toby should consider investing in bug spray to repel any attractive man that comes within his girlfriend’s one-mile radius.
Dean: In my life, when someone doesn’t show up or answer the phone, there is a very real possibility that they’re lying in a gutter somewhere!
OMFG! AMBER ALERT! STATEWIDE EMERGENCY! SPENCER HASTINGS DIDN’T SHOW UP TO THE N.A. MEETING HELD TONIGHT! This definitely means she must have *relapsed* and *overdosed* in a ditch, right!? I can’t imagine any other reason why a young, socially active teenager like Spencer wouldn’t want to spend her evenings in a stuffy old room listening to a bunch of drug addicts whine about their lives.
Dean: Look, I just came by to make sure you’re okay, and you are. See ya.
Sorry, dad. Does Spencer need a curfew and a parental chaperone too? Even Papa Hastings isn’t freaking out over her daughter’s whereabouts, so I have no idea why Dean thinks it’s his business to monitor her activities all of a sudden. Besides, where was Dean during the past 100+ times when Spencer was put in actual life-threatening danger by a crazed maniac on the loose? It’s a little late to start keeping tabs on her exact location, dude.
Dean: I DON’T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT THE SPEECH!!!
Spencer gets a rude awakening when she discovers that neither Dean nor the viewers actually care about her valedictorian speech. It’s funny how a guy can smile at you, nod his head in agreement, and pretend to be interested in every mundane word that comes out of your mouth *UNTIL* the moment he realized that he doesn’t have a chance to score with you. And then, that’s when ~the honesty~ starts.
Dean: No, I need to stop seeing you. Because every time you’re near me, I just wanna grab you and kiss you! And the fact that you have a boyfriend isn’t the problem. The problem is I don’t care!
Unsurprisingly, his love confession sounded cringey as hell, which is what happens when a fully grown adult man speaks lines that only a teenage girl would say while scribbling in her secret diary. In real life, no guy would ever speak like this. The most gracious response you could expect is: “LOOK BITCH, DO YOU WANNA BANG OR NOT!? STOP TEASING MY COCK!!!”
Well, that was much ado about nothing. WUT!?!? THEY DIDN’T EVEN KISS IN THE END!?!? WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!!! I dunno why Spencer is suddenly so selective with her kissing partners when she was on a rampage making out with graffiti artists & foreign strangers last season. It’s a shame that poor hawt Dean didn’t even get a goodbye kiss out of this trifling ho. #injustice
In fact, there’s a very real possibility that Dean could have overdosed and be lying in a gutter somewhere… But I guess we’ll never know, because Spencer doesn’t return the same courtesy of waiting outside Dean’s doorstep in the middle of the night just to make sure he was okay. Thanks to dis bitch, the next time we see Dean’s character on this show could possibly be at his funeral. RIP!
Haleb has make-up sex
It has gotten to the point where she can’t even stand being in the same scene with him. As soon as Caleb comes swaggering into the room and goes like “hey babe~ “, Hanna was already like “no thank you~ ” and immediately gets up to leave the house. Um girl, maybe spend more than 3.68 seconds with your boyfriend before you accuse him of smothering you?
Ashley: *waves* Hey there~
Caleb: I SWEAR I WASN’T ACTUALLY READING THIS GIRLY SELF-HELP BOOK! DON’T JUDGE ME!!!
For a moment there, I thought we’ll get our second love confession this episode and Mama Marin was gonna complete that sentence with: “YOU NEED ME! ” Ashley was absolutely out of control in this scene, making all sorts of orgasmic faces at Caleb and undressing him with her eyes. Can someone please confirm if it’s normal to stare at your daughter’s boyfriend like you wanna dine all over his naked body!? You can look all you want, Ashley, but you can’t touch the forbidden fruit!
Ashley: After her dad and I split up, Hanna moved into my bedroom and we would watch movies late at night. She would laugh at the sad parts and she’d sob at the jokes.
Wow, sure sounds like a sociopath. I can just imagine Hanna laughing at the top of her lungs to a movie like Schindler’s List. “Oh my god, look at all those Holocaust victims!” And this is Hanna reacting: * BWHAHAHAHAHA THIS MOVIE WOULD ONLY BE FUNNIER IF IT HAD SETH ROGAN!!! *
Leaving the freezer door open is such a classic Hanna move. There she goes again, that’s the same food wastin’ bimbo that we all know and love! By the way, it’s so ingrained into my common sense that I can’t fathom why anyone wouldn’t close the fridge door. Did Hanna leave the door open because she’s a *lazy bitch* (“It take too much effort to shut the door!”) or is it because she’s a *forgetful bitch* (“I can’t remember if the fridge has automatic doors or not!”)? Help me understand how your beautiful mind works, Hanna Marin!
Dat smooth ass motherfucker doesn’t even bother conversing with Hanna. He was just like *FUCK ME HARD* *FUCK ME RAW* *FUCK ME RIGHT NOW ON THE SPOT!!!* I may have to check the tapes again, but I think he might have even yanked her hair and called her a nasty bitch once or twice. Caleb behaved like such an aggressive brute during this scene, but the thing is that it kinda turned Hanna on? She was definitely into the moment as much as he was. *lol*
Don’t you think it’s a little sad that Hanna only likes her boyfriend when he makes her feel like absolute trash? Caleb treats Hanna with consideration and sensitivity = *gets the cold shoulder* vs. Caleb treats Hanna with aggression and brute force = *gets hot steamy sex*. And this is why we can’t have nice things in life. As the old saying goes, nice guys finish last, but assholes finish with ejaculations and multiple orgasms that last throughout the night.
Aria & her entourage of stalkers
See, this would have never happened if Aria just tossed that crap into the corner of a room somewhere. Now she’s gonna have a permanent ~*criminal record*~ for stealing photo negatives of all things. PUT UR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE DEM, MA’AM! ARIA MONTGOMERY, U R UNDER ARREST FOR UNLAWFUL POSSESSION OF STOLEN PHOTOGRAPHIC GOODS! YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN THE SUPREME COURT OF JUSTICE!
Clark claims that he isn’t mad at Aria, but spends the rest of the episode making these hilariously passive aggressive jabs during every available opportunity: “go all klypto” (#1), “morning bandit” (#2), “just came back to take some new pictures…somebody stole mine this morning” (#3), “have you incinerated those negatives yet?” (#4). Okay, okay! She said she was sorry! This guy sure knows how to hold a grudge!
You can tell Aria is getting the major heebie-jeebies around this guy. Unfortunately, Emily has no problem ditching a friend and leaving her alone with the creepy stalker as soon as she gets a random booty call. OMG! That girl with the super hawt accent wants to meet with me! Lesbians before friendly homo sapiens, gotta go, ttyl! Poor Aria didn’t even have a chance to scream out *BROS BEFORE HOES* before Emily already dashed off at the speed of the light.
a.) I actually lurve her accent. She makes the boring dialogue sound adorable just due to her cute dialect.
b.) Her character’s mere existence makes all the Ezria fans erupt into hot boiling RAGE. They cannot speak about this Nicole woman without spitting on the ground and foaming at the mouth. Here’s a normal, attractive, age-appropriate, perfectly harmless woman who dares to come in between Ezra and Aria’s magical romantic union, and for that reason alone she must *DIE*. Their outrage is frankly hilarious to me so she can stay for a while just to piss them off. Ohohohohoho~
Clark: Sorry, I don’t mean to pry.
Aria: Uhhh…maybe we should just go.
Poor Aria is walking on eggshells around this guy because she forgot to bring her rape whistle. Oh my god, the mofo clearly graduated from stalker school with the highest honours, he just wouldn’t leave her alone!
Ezra: Hey, I was just gonna drop this off and then I saw your car in the driveway…
How convenient that Ezra also made sure Papa Montgomery’s car and Clark’s camera were not in the vicinity before inviting himself into Aria’s home. He must have kept close tabs on his hidden surveillance cameras and waited many hours for the perfect opportunity to stage this ~*chance encounter*~ at her house.
Let’s not kid ourselves, we know there’s a 100% probability that Ezra actually *stole* her application form while she wasn’t looking. Poor Aria has no privacy and every single thing in her life is like public property for her stalkers. Also, let’s take a moment to reflect on the irony of Aria having her photo competition application stolen right after she stole Clark’s photo negatives. Karma sure is a bitch, huh?
Aria: You used your creative writing skills! When did I have a solo exhibition at The Brew?
Ezra: I might have embellished slightly. But I do have your self-portrait hanging above my desk… *pauses* I did. I mean, I did.
It sounds slightly less romantic once you consider the possibility that Ezra also keeps her discarded toenails and a pair of her panties in his glorious ARIA SHRINE. Anyway, I wasted enough of my breath talking about these two bores. Hurry, someone put Nicole on a helicopter and airlift her into this scene, she simply cannot arrive quick enough to homewreck their relationship MWHAHAHAHA.
Aria lies and pretends that she designed the creepy voodoo doll, which spooks Ezra and definitely makes him think twice about stalking her in the future. DAMN RIGHT, YOU BETTER BE SCARED. IF YOU STALKERS DON’T LEAVE ARIA ALONE, YOU WILL GET A KNIFE IN YO EYE!!!
Spencer: Tell him what?
Aria: About everything! I hate lying to him!
Spencer: OK, but you guys aren’t even together anymore…
Aria: It’s just who do I turn to during times like these, who makes me feel safe…
Oh god, Aria. Stop dragging us into your EZRIA DRAMAAAA. Go turn to a bowl of chicken soup and a bucket of ice cream if you’re feeling so scurred. *mutes this bitch*
You may think this was particularly bad timing on Aria’s part, but thank god she didn’t arrive ten minutes *later* or she might have seen Ezra and Nicole in the middle of some hot steamy sex. Too bad, Aria! Shoulda jumped him in the previous scene while you still had the chance!
BITCH CHIPPED US!
So, how do you actually spell Lesli’s name!? Does it have an ‘E’ or not!? Or does Lesli Stone have a secret twin sister named Leslie Stone!? THESE ARE THE IMPORTANT PLOT QUESTIONS THAT WE WANT ANSWERS TO, PRETTY LITTLE LIARS!!!
I don’t get it? Did PLL run out of money to pay this actress to extend her guest stint into another episode? Or did they look at her ‘acting’ from last time and decided to contain the atrocity into one single episode? I dunno! THE MYSTERY THICKENS.
In a hilariously hokey scene, Hanna manages to steal Lesli’s car just because she flashed her bra strap to some horny parking valet. *holylol* Don’t ask me to recap the events leading up to this moment, because the sheer stupidity hurts my brain too much, but the gist of it is that Hanna pretended to misplace her car keys, asked the valet to identify Lesli’s car on her behalf, and then fondled her breasts a couple of times. Voila, free car! Now excuse me while I head down to the nearest auto dealership and try out this exact same trick for a free BMW.
Um, worst parking valet ever? Whatever, cut him some slack, he’s obviously getting sacked after this scene. Besides, you know seeing a glimpse of a hot teenager’s black bra strap must have been the highlight of his entire career. *hands over the keys to a brand new Lamborghini* TOTALLY WORTH IT, DUDE.
Hanna: God! This girl is such a slob!
Not only did the pot call the kettle black, but the pot also called out the stove, the microwave, and all the other kitchen appliances too. Said by the girl who doesn’t even close the freezer door! Like geez, Hanna, you should be the last person to call anybody else a slob. I’m sure Emily still has PTSD from cleaning up the atomic disaster that you left behind in her bedroom a few seasons ago.
1.) LOTS OF FAKE GLASSES! Yes, Lesli keeps a box of fake prescription glasses inside her car. *lolwtf* Weirdest quirk ever? I mean, it’s strange enough that you wear fake glasses, but it’s even stranger that you own a box of identical looking fake glasses that you keep inside your car. Somebody explain please.
2.) EXTRA LARGE ANIMAL CAGES! Spencer theorizes there’re exactly four cages, which means Lesli must be plotting to imprison the four pretty little liars as human slaves! Um, there are actually five of you now, so whoever shares the same cage as Alison is gonna feel a little packed.
I still can’t get over the fact that Lesli wears fake glasses? Surely there must be a reason behind this disguise? My conspiracy theory: Maybe the name ‘Leslie Stone’ isn’t a typo after all. Maybe Lesli is breeding an army of human clones in her secret scientific laboratory with each test subject named LesliA, LesliB, LesliC, LesliD, LesliE etc. Each fake clone would need to wear a pair of fake glasses, of course. Think about it, she only needs this many glasses and this many cages if she has this many human clones!
Hanna: Wait, why am I beeping!? I haven’t even stolen anything yet!
Girl, lemme remind you that you just STOLE A CAR. Also, now we know why the beeping noise is coming out of Aria’s neck too. *side eye at the photography thief*
Spencer: BITCH CHIPPED US!
Aria: SHE CHIPPED US!? SHE FREAKING CHIPPED US!?
Spencer: She chipped us in the bunker! That’s why we were drugged!
In case you’re not well-versed in PLL speak, “BITCH CHIPPED US” = A cut the girls open and planted a microchip inside their necks. And in case you’re not well-versed in psycho actions, that means A used the microchips in their bodies to stalk the pretty little liars’ every move. These naïve girls believe that A simply planted ONE microchip in their bodies when a closer estimate is ONE HUNDRED. That’s right, ladies, you got more chips than a can of Pringles. There’s a microchip planted in your neck, in your navel, in your veins, kidneys, livers, intestines, there’s even one up your ass crack. A has your entire body chipped and covered.
Spencer: HANNA WHAT ARE YOU DOINGGGGGGGG
Hanna: She doesn’t get to keep anybody in cages anymore! I’m letting them out!
Um okay, it probably seemed like a much better idea in her head as she released the animals from their cages. Maybe Hanna watched too many of those Disney movies and mistaken them as actual nature documentaries? She must think these are cute, cuddly, talking animals who sing songs and dance merrily as they make their way to Madagascar~ Run along now, my furry friends! Your next adventure awaits!
Raccoon: THX 4 HELPING WITH MY PRISON BREAK, HANNA! My gift for you is *RABIES*!
Can we talk about dis raccoon? Damn right, you’re looking at the VIP star of the episode! Look at this aspiring starlet constantly mugging for the cameras and easily stealing every scene. This raccoon can convey so many emotions & so much vulnerability with just ~its eyes~. Needless to say, it’s a more versatile actor than half the people who appear on this show.
Oh man, Lucy Hale better have received a nice juicy bonus in her next pay cheque for agreeing to do this little stunt, because you gotta give this girl her props. Let’s take a moment to reflect how the vermin probably nibbled on her hair and tried to stick its tail into her ear during many, many, many retakes. *eeeek* Just think of the sacrifices that you have to make as an actor to film a shoddy scene in a crappy episode for this shitty little show.
Liars: Cut the crap, Mona! We know you’re working for A! You and Lesli are going down!
Mona: I’m just trying to save you from yourselves.
By the way, did you notice how all the animals immediately cowered in fear and crawled back into their cages as soon as Mona entered the room? It’s because these animals have a natural survival instinct, they can sense danger and will go into hiding before a disaster strikes. Yup, even the animals are terrified of Mona and know better than to incur her deadly wrath!
The funniest thing about Charles being alive is Papa DiLaurentis literally grabbing a shovel and digging up his son’s grave just to see the receipts. The poor guy must be thinking WHY DO MY DEAD CHILDREN NEVER ACTUALLY STAY DEAD!?!?
Emily x Sara KISS!
Emily is clearly enjoying the view as she watches Sara undress right in front of her. It’s like having a private strip show for her eyes only. All that’s missing is a cigar in her mouth and a wad of dollar bills in her hands. Okay Sara, now shake your hips and twerk your bum, I’ll give you a nice big tip if you put on a good show!
Sara: What’s Kimye???
Caleb: Kim and Kanye! Oh right, you wouldn’t know…
The better question is why does Caleb know this shit? I don’t think Kim or Kanye were mainstream until the *five year time skip*, so Caleb must be really keeping up with the Kardashians if he can just rattle off details about his favourite obscure celebrity couple. At least we now know what Hanna and Caleb have in common, they must spend their evenings together poring over trashy tabloids and dishing over the latest celebrity gossip.
Another reason to love Nicole is how this brand new character just comes in and homewrecks all the despicable romances on the show in a single swoop. Aria, I’m stealing yer man! Sara, I’m stealing yer woman! Hopefully she manages to worm her way into Haleb and Spoby’s relationships too, because nobody is safe from Nicole!
Emily: There are moments when I’m with her and I completely forget. It’s like she’s helping me more than I’m helping her.
Nicole: Em…is Sara capable of returning her feelings?
Emily: What!? No, no, no, that’s not what I’m feeling.
Nicole doesn’t say anything, but gives such a long hard glance at Emily that you know she’s silently judging this bitch hardcore. *lol* Fine, don’t go to Thailand and don’t help those desperately in need just because you got a thing for that side piece at home.
Oh my god, the whole ordeal was so ridiculously melodramatic, extra emphasis on the *ridiculous* part. How can anybody take Sara’s character seriously and watch her nonsensical storyline with a straight face?
Not that it really matters, since Emily can’t think about anything else when she’s already knee deep into Sara’s vagina and busy chipping away at her bush. Who cares if this girl is actually a secret spy, fuck first and worry later! JUST SPREAD YOUR LEGS AND OPEN WIDE!