Spencer has a drug-induced dance hallucination; Alison gets into a catfight with a cop; Emily has a new tramp stamp; Lesli Stone is back and bitchier than ever!
C’mon, everyone get up and do the filler dance! Despite PLL’s best efforts to make this scene seem relevant to the plot, we all know this pointless dance sequence was merely to promote a young-and-coming dancer who has nothing to do with the show. You could have walked away at the start of this episode, prepared a light snack, and come back chewing on beef jerky without missing a damn thing.
My favourite part of Maddie’s dance has gotta be when she dropped down and gracefully squatted over the floor like she was taking a MASSIVE DUMP. *lolwutttt* As for the rest of her performance, I couldn’t tell whether she was having an epileptic seizure or if she was in the middle of a fiery demonic exorcism, but it was pure entertainment gold either way.
Say yes to drugs, Spencer!
Spencer: BUT DAT ROOM! DAT DANCE! AND DAT GIRL! OMFG!!!
Aria: …you’re giving me cramps.
Poor Aria. Just imagine how you’d feel if Spencer Hastings was aggressively haranguing you on the phone as she scrutinized over every detail of her acid trip. Listening to her crackpot theories is giving me cramps too!
Okay gurl, stop. She looks NOTHING like a young Alison. I’m not even sure if that creature is supposed to be human!? I know this show is eager to draw Alison DiLaurentis comparisons with any sentient creature, but this is just too much of a stretch. They don’t even look remotely similar, not unless Spencer thinks her friend looks like a black-haired, dead-eyed, pasty pale, raggedy ass sewage monster!!!
Mona: No, I think it must live in your head. hehehe~
OMG U GUISE. Have you seen that room with the drains and the tiles and the furniture!? lol @ describing basically every stinking old bathroom out there. In her desperation, Spencer turns to Mona for help, hoping her adversary is well-versed in crazy talk and can make some sense out of her madness. Even though Mona knows what is happening, she still plays dumb and acts like a deliberate troll, just because it’s much more fun to patronize Spencer and screw with her head some more. *trololololol*
I used to think doing drugs was bad for you until I saw the hours of endless entertainment that Spencer gets out of the experience. Wanna watch a fun dance number? *snorts some cocaine* Wanna watch a vintage black-and-white movie? *blows some meth* Doing drugs is like having a 24-hour entertainment channel right inside your head. Why get Netflix when you can just get high on dem cannabis instead?
Hanna: Okay, unless you’re texting me the answer, you’re rude!
You think she’s being rude right now, but just wait until Hanna actually sees the NSFW contents of Spencer’s text messages: “lemme taste ur 8 inches babe xoxoxoxxx ;)” which is followed by a dozen photos of Toby sprawled out on the bed in the nastiest positions.
Hanna: Wait for what?
Hanna: omg ew! keep it in ur pants gurl.
Bwhahaha, Spencer is killing me with DAT FACEEEEE. You may recognize it as the universal *I’M GETTING LAID TONITE~* facial expression. The lecherous look in her eyes, combined with that cheeky little sidesmile, should tell you more than enough about her barbaric sexual desires. When Toby comes back, they’re gonna do it caveman style, prison style, doggie style, froggy style, breaststrokes, backstrokes, freestrokes, anything and everything. You name it, they’re doing it. Bow chika wow wow~~~
ok thx for sharing gurl~ Apparently, it must be around that time of the month for Caleb, who’s getting all moody and emotional during his menstrual cycle, so his poor girlfriend is left rotting with a bone dry vagina. *clears the cobwebs* Keep hope alive, Hanna! One day, the drought will pass! One day, the Hoover Dam will reopen! One day, the rivers of passion will flow through your vaginal gates once more!
When Hanna tried to steal a quick bite, Spencer used her lightning fast reflexes to SMACK DAT BITCH away from her precious cookie. HIYAH, KARATE CHOPPPP! Spencer was probably planning to lick every single cookie crumb that fell on the ground, so she’s clearly not open to sharesies. Besides, Hanna was being a bit of a rude bitch. Um, get your own private stash of marijuana, okay!? KEEP UR GRUBBY PAWS OFF MAH COOKIE, FOOL!!!
It’s funny because in my head, I can totally picture Spencer making paperclip necklaces while humming to the melody of the Friends theme song. But to be honest, this bitch is being a bit *stingy* with her pot considering she got an entire kilogram of hash for free. Nobody likes a greedy pothead, Spencer! Besides, your poor friend hadn’t gotten laid in DAYS, so she deserves a little pick-me-up dontcha think?
Sheldon: EXCUSE ME!!! The refreshments are for AFTER the meeting!
Spencer: *mouth stuffed with food* Sowwy.
In fact, one of the recovering drug addicts was SO outraged by this blatant display of gluttony that he interrupted the meeting just to call out a bitch. Excuse me, the meeting for Overeaters Anonymous is next door!
Sheldon: I thought about blowing it off, but there’re only so many family dinners you can skip. So, I went. And the questions started. I told everyone I lost my job and I was actively looking for another. I came so close to raiding my sister’s medicine chest. Then I realized I already delivered the bad news. Nobody blinked. Putting it out there right away, it helped.
THANK YOU 4 SHARING YOUR INSPIRATIONAL JOURNEY, SHELDON! *clap clap clap* Sadly, this is the last we’ve heard of him, yet to this day I still wistfully wonder what happened to our dear old friend Sheldon. Is he still alive? Did he stay sober? Has he found a new job? Did his sister install a lock in her medicine cabinet? Is he finally happy? Wherever you are now, Sheldon, we’ll keep you in our prayers.
It’s too bad Spencer didn’t have a chance to tell her story during the meeting: “Hi, my name is Spencer and I am a drug addict. I relapsed because I recently escaped from three weeks of captivity in an underground chamber in addition to years of psychological abuse by a crazed killer.” Damn Sheldon, and you thought your life was shit, really puts things into perspective, doesn’t it? It’s bad enough that Spencer can’t take any pills to numb her pain, so at least let the poor abducted girl take a few extra brownies at the meeting!
Since Pretty Little Liars never casts an actor this hot without shoehorning him into a romantic subplot, it was very surprising when Dean x Spencer didn’t go ~all the way~ last time. Dean was brought back on the show to finish what he started, and he ain’t leaving this guest stint until he gets his mack on. First base and beyond!
At first, I thought Dean was here to show his support and guide Spencer through her difficult recovery from drug addiction…okay lmao, I can’t even type that with a straight face. Dean is here for one reason only: TAPPING DAT ASS. Holylol, this guy doesn’t do subtle, literally giving out his phone number and inviting Spencer over for a late night ~*booty call*~. Yeah gurl, call me any time when ur feeling horny~ ;D
Also, can we talk about the drug transaction that just took place? Imagine Spencer, sitting inside a dark vehicle in the middle of the night, handing over a bag of hard drugs like a total badass baller. AWWWW YEAHHH.
Alison x Lorenzo KISS!!!
Police #1: Y’know, with this little skank, I wouldn’t be surprised. *chuckles*
Police #2: Who’s protecting us from her?
Police #1: How many people has she put behind bars? I say they’d just chain her to the bed.
AWWWW HELLLL NO. *sassy finger snap* DEM BACKTALKING HOES MESSED WITH THE WRONG BITCH. I’m surprised Alison didn’t just strut out there and bitchslap those mofos! Oh wait, that would be considered police assault. Nonetheless, rest assured that Queen Ali will find a way to ELIMINATE those who slander her pristine good name.
Let’s not kid ourselves, thinking Toby wouldn’t stoop to that level. Have you seen the way his face twists and contorts every time someone mentions Alison? Who wants to bet Officer Cavanaugh is the biggest trash talker at the precinct? He’s probably the one who fostered all the animosity against Ali in the police force.
Kenneth: Well, I’d let it go. Alison, you have to OWN it. Bad behaviour has a way of catching up with you.
Wow, way to stand up for your daughter, asshole. Papa DiLaurentis brings up a pretty valid point though. Alison is finally getting a taste of her own ~bitter medicine~ and discovers that it isn’t so fun to be on the receiving end of malicious name-calling. Somewhere out there, Hermes and Pigskin and Loser Mona are all high-fiving each other while going like *lolkarma bitch*.
Once Papa DiLaurentis found out what his daughter did, he threw a massive hissy fit over her underhanded tactics. Naturally, Queen Ali showed zero remorse, going like *HATERS GONNA HATE* and making a thousand glorious bitchfaces in retort. As the old saying goes, sticks and stones may break my bones, but one complaint from me will put your job at risk and ensure you never appear in my sights again. Those police pissants got exactly what they deserved for messing with the queen bitch.
Lorenzo: Hello, sir. *immediately scoots away from Alison*
Kenneth: Is this your idea of a replacement!? Thought if you lodged a complaint about one cop, you could swap him out for someone closer to your own age?
Okay, was the other cop like a hundred years old from the Age of Imperialism? Otherwise, I have a hard time imagining a context where Lorenzo could be considered closer in age to Alison. I know the camera is supposed to add ten years or whatever, but legitimately speaking Uncle Lorenzo still looks closer to Kenneth’s age than he does to Alison’s age.
GURL PLZ. To quote Papa DiLaurentis in exact words, you have to OWN it. Own the fact that you got somebody sacked just because he made one snide comment behind your back. Own the fact that you just won a catty high school feud with a police officer and relish in your triumph. All your chess pieces have aligned exactly as you’d expect. Well-played, Miss DiLaurentis.
Also, imagine coming home after a hard day of work and you have to see THIS SHIT happening right there on your front porch. This is a public service announcement to Lorison and Ezria and all the other PLL relationships out there: Please keep your predatory, age-inappropriate, adult-on-teenager PDA inside a bedroom behind closed curtains, thank you.
As for the Instagram comment, the alleged defendant Mr. Winfrey posted a picture with the quote “You made me soup, Ali?” and then captioned it with “Now rub my back and I’m giving it up. ” To be honest, I didn’t even get it at first? I guess it’s a bit of a sleazy innuendo? The damage was already done though and the PLL mob on social media was out for his blood. Then, he made some disparaging comments about the type of fans this show attracts, so his days in PLL are obviously numbered, oops!
Emily has a new tattoo
Emily: Let’s go to the movies tonight! …if my mom comes with us.
Sara: Emily, I have gotta go home. I have to deal with my mom.
Emily: Or you could stop dealing with her altogether. Have you ever thought about getting legally emancipated?
First of all, lol @ how that conversation trajectory went from “let’s go see a movie!” to “let’s go get you emancipated!” Second of all, EMILY WHAT ARE YOU DOINGGGG!?!? GURL YOU ARE TEARING A FAMILY APART!!! Just let Sara go back to her rodent’s nest if that’s what she really wants!
Like holy shit, Mama Harvey is finally making an effort to ~connect~ with her only daughter after all this time, and here’s this nosy bitch who’s driving them apart while giggling about legal emancipation. Not only is Emily preventing a family reunion from taking place, but she’s also actively sabotaging and severing their family ties too!!! If this was a Lifetime movie, Emily’s character would be considered THE VILLAIN.
Caleb: Just go home and wait it out…
Emily: NO! She’s not waiting it out! She lost enough time! Every moment is precious!
You can tell Emily must be SOOOO THIRSTY for Sara’s fanny because every word coming from her mouth is spoken with desperation and urgency. Hurry up! Any second now Sara could be making out with me instead of worrying about her stupid family! Every moment is precious!
Sara’s application is actually in review right now so nothing is official yet, but you know the admin clerk was like: “Pfft, I ain’t gonna fill out all this work paperwork for some beyotch who’s gonna be legal age in a few months. Just do whatever you want, bye felicia!” I hardly care about Sara Harvey on a good day, and I certainly will never care about her emancipation application whatever. Since PLL never brings up the subject again in future episodes, let’s just erase this ridiculously stupid storyline from our minds forever.
But yes, totes omg, this scene was very similar to the one in Divergent where Tris got her first tattoo at the parlour! Except Tris got a classy and meaningful tattoo to symbolize her ~freedom~, whereas Sara got some cheap ass tramp stamp to symbolize her ~trashiness~ for an eternity.
Emily: What!? No!
Sara: Come on, I saw you eyeing that mermaid with the harpoon!
Emily: And if my mom ever found out I got a tattoo, she’d harpoon me!
At first, Emily was pulling a total Niall Horan and acted like *not me, i’m too cute & innocent to get a tattoo *, but Sara quickly corrupted her and lured our sweet chaste angel to the ~dark side~ . OMG EMILY UR SUCH A WILDCHILD!!! I’M TELLING YOUR MOTHER!!! That’s how it always starts. First, you get a small and simple tattoo… Next thing you know, your entire body is clad with ink from top to bottom and you’ll end up with a pair of big ass butterfly wings across your chest!
Tattoo Artist: That is the Japanese symbol for courage.
LOLWTF. Gurl, sorry to break it to you, but that’s not the Japanese symbol for courage. Emily thought she was so hipster and wanted to get some exotic azn characters tattooed to her body despite not knowing the meaning, which led to dat awkward moment when the tattoo artist got her translations mixed up and confused the Chinese characters for the Japanese ones. *lolwhoops* I guess that’s the quality of customer service you get when you enter into a dinky third-rate tattoo parlour across the street without doing your research. Now Emily will spend the rest of her life showing off her cool Japanese tattoo while everyone else just politely snickers about the mistake behind her back.
In the end, the tattoo was placed near her vadge (or ‘the good china’ as the tattoo artist called it), which is obscure and hidden away deep enough that the viewers won’t be able to see the damn thang. Now PLL’s make-up and wardrobe department can sigh in relief, knowing they’ll never have to worry about this imaginary tattoo ever again.
Hi Aria! I’m your new bestie!
Aria: How did you know I was here? O_O
Clark: Psychic! That, or you told me you’d be working at your dad’s office today.
Okay stalker dude, keep acting like you don’t have Aria’s daily schedule memorized by heart. It’s kinda bizarre seeing them so *chummy* considering the two of them only met because they were in the same room together just once, yet Aria gives out her personal address and schedules photography dates with a guy she barely knows. This ~dynamic duo~ is even going on wacky adventures at the junkyard. When did they become so buddy buddy with each other!? Hey Aria, look at me! I have a camera, so I’m your new best friend!
Aria: Ugh, Clark. That’s a really nice offer, but I can’t. I’m just not dating, not for a while.
1.) Considering Aria’s last relationship ended with her accusing the boyfriend of criminal misconduct, maybe it’s for the best that she hold onto the chastity belt for a lonnnng while.
2.) Now that their romantic subplot is a no-go, it’s surprising that Clark’s character hasn’t already disappeared in a puff of smoke. Why are you still here!? What the hell do you want!? You’re so creepy holding up your goddamn camera everywhere! If Aria wanted her every waking (and sleeping) moment captured on film, her beloved Ezra already has that ground covered!
Before she could get her grubby paws on the photograph, Aria goes through some sort of long overwrought ~*ethical dilemma*~ over stealing Clark’s pix? This is hilariously weird considering: 1.) um gurl, ur stealing his photo negatives, not his entire live savings & 2.) um gurl, you also committed murder in the past and you got over that pretty quickly, so one petty theft is hardly gonna tarnish your already corroded moral conscience by much more.
BUT OMFG TITTIES!!! I REPEAT, THERE IS BOOBAGE! The mystery has been solved, now we know that ‘A’ actually stands for ‘A-cup’. Naturally, the pretty little liars seem convinced this is irrefutable proof of A’s 100% womanhood, until they forget this major earth-shattering discovery several episodes later when they accuse Clark and some guy named Rhys of being A too. Um, remind me why there was so much hoopla over this damn picture again?
Sara: You’ve known all along, haven’t you!? About whoever has us down in that bunker!?
Emily: I’VE BEEN TRYING TO PROTECT YOU!
Sara: I thought we were connecting! How could you keep this from me!?
Oh my god, what is this evil bitch even talking about!?!?!? Despite behaving like an incoherent and nonsensical human disaster, Sara somehow gets away scot-free just because Emily is so blinded by lust and would gladly eat up all her bullshit with a fork. In her head, she’s probably thinking: “OMG! We just had our first fight! Are we gonna make out now???”
Mona is the ULTIMATE TROLL
Jenna’s absence fills my heart with such void that I actually looked up casting spoilers for 6B to see when our queen will make her triumphant return and rise again. Sadly, I don’t think it’s any time soon. THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT. BRING HER BACK ALREADY. I’d trade away all one hundred of Sara Harvey’s scenes just to get one epic Jenna scene in exchange.
Mona: The police might still press charges against me for being dead when I wasn’t. When there’s a full on investigation that cost the taxpayers more than our sewer system, it’s a crime!
Hanna: That’s not a crime. That’s just being stupid.
“Who woulda thunk it was actually illegal to frame an innocent person for your fake murder!?” – the world according to Hanna Marin, who thankfully is not Mona’s legal representation. It might be considered a felony to pull this shit in the real world, but not in the fantastical world of Pretty Little Liars where only the innocent civilians get imprisoned and the real criminals never face justice, so Mona has nothing to worry about.
Mona: I sent Alison to jail for months! There’s no way she’s not plotting some kind of revenge!
It’s funny to watch Mona obsessing over her archrival when the reality is that Alison hasn’t mentioned her name even once in the past couple of episodes. This just demonstrates their dynamic so well, doesn’t it? Here’s Mona and every single thought of hers is filled with: *omfg ali* *our rivalry continues!* *what will she do to me next!?* And here’s Alison, who doesn’t even acknowledge the bitch’s existence and her mind is only occupied with hopping on Lorenzo’s dick.
Mona: CHURCH!?!?!?!?!?!?!? ALISON!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
There are not enough exclamation marks ! or question marks ? in the world to capture Mona’s ridicule and disbelief. Haters gonna hate, but I do love watching Alison’s unexpected foray into the spiritual world. In the near future, don’t be surprised if we find her character living in a monastery with a shaved head and chanting ritualistic hymns. Clearly her strategy to combat Mona’s evil is to get into the good divine graces of God, Buddha, Allah, Zeus, and all the known deities.
*Spencer catches Mona fidgeting nervously with Alison’s mailbox*
Spencer: Mona!? What are you doing!?
Mona: It’s a card for Alison. I know it’s totally retro, but emails can be deleted and she’d never take my calls, so…
Okay, unless they started selling death threat greeting cards in Hallmark, I call bullshit on this alleged card that we never actually see. Quite frankly, I’m surprised we didn’t hear an ominous *tick…tick…tick…tick* sound coming from Alison’s mailbox. Hurry, someone call the bomb detonation experts before Mona’s mysterious parcel explodes!!!
Lesli: MONA!? YOU MADE ME AN ACCOMPLICE TO A CRIME. I MADE THE MISTAKE OF COMPLIMENTING A STRANGER ON HER DOLCE & GABANA STRETCH PANTS. AND NOW, EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE WORKED FOR, MY FELLOWSHIP, MY TEACHING POSITION, MY REPUTATION, THEY’RE ALL IN JEOPARDY BECAUSE I ACTUALLY SAW YOU AS THE VICTIM. YOU!!! YOU CONNIVING LITTLE BITCH!!!!!
Don’t stop! Don’t stop! Keep going! Keep ripping into that bitch! *claps like a seal* To be honest, I HAAAAATED this fake ass basic phony ho last season, but I feel like I finally ~get~ the appeal of Lesli Stone for the first time. It helps that she’s bitchier and crazier than ever, which always improves a character’s likability in my eyes.
Lesli: REALLY!?!? YOU THINK I ACTUALLY WANTED PERJURY ON MY RESUME!?!?
Hanna: I don’t know what that means, but I don’t really like your tone…
Lesli: WHO GIVES A CRAP WHAT YOU LIKE, YOU BAG OF HAIR!!!!!
SLAY GURL SLAYYYY. Ugh, don’t you just hate it when shitty characters like Lesli get such iconic quotes that you’re forced to root for them? Hate this bitch all you want, but you gotta admit that *you bag of hair!!!* is like a top ten sickest diss of all-time. It’s the perfect combination of words; it manages to sound SO hilariously bitchy without making ANY sense at all.
It turns out that dancing girl in Spencer’s drug-induced hallucination is indeed Maddie Ziegler, who must have the worst publicist in the world because her PR campaign consists of advertising on the walls of a mental hospital. *lol* Hi Radley patients, I’m Maddie! I invite you to see my next dance recital at the Royal Opera Hall!
Spencer: It’s a Resusci Annie!
Hanna: WHAT!? WHAT IS IT!? A BLOW-UP THINGY!?
False alarm! Turns out it was just a blow-up doll. What a shame that Aria wasn’t here with her camera, this would have been the perfect photo-op moment to add to her collection of creepy doll picture portfolio.
It must be pointed out that the pretty little liars would have never known about this information if it wasn’t for Mona who brought it to their attention. The demon imp tried to play coy and acted like she was hiding the file to protect her friend, but we know an obvious bitch move when we see one. *causes a loud ruckus to draw the liars’ attention* Oops, you caught me red-handed holding Lesli’s confidential file with lots of sensitive personal info that she doesn’t want anyone to know! Clumsy me!
Mona: I did everything I could, Lesli! I swear!
Lesli: MONA, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY!?!? WHAT, YOU ARE KIDDING ME!!! DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT!!! I ASKED YOU TO DO ONE THING, MONA! ONE FREAKING THING AND YOU SCREWED IT UP FOR ME!!! YOU ALWAYS SCREW EVERYTHING UP!!!!!
And then we see Lesli banging her fists against the steering wheel like some cartoonish villain lmfao~~~ The best part about her meltdown is watching Mona’s mocking sympathetic face when deep down she’s thinking *TROLOLOLOLOLLLL*.