In this episode, Spencer goes on a drug binge; Hanna goes grave robbing; Emily goes swimming with another ho; Aria goes to A’s beauty salon and gets her hair done.
OMFG. Can you believe dis crackhead is at it again!? We’ve been down this road before! Bitch, hand in your sobriety chip and drag your ass over to rehab!
Spencer has a drug problem
Spencer also has these insane flashbacks of her time in the dollhouse, usually triggered by the most random visual prompts. *sees reflection in the window* OMG FLASHBACK TIME! It’s hard to tell if the crazy shit that went down during the flashbacks really happened to Spencer, or if it’s simply because bitch crazy? Would you trust the memory of a drug addict who used to imagine her friends re-enacting a cheesy black-and-white movie?
Look, a girl doesn’t stop having her period just because she got abducted for three weeks! Spencer must have a particularly bad case of ~heavy flow~ with the stress from her abduction. Frankly, I’d be surprised if the pretty little liars even had a bucket to pee in, so I highly doubt A would have provided these girls with tampons and other feminine care products in their medicine cabinets.
Spencer: Hey Aria! U got any more of dem pills!? Huh? HUH HUH HUH?
Aria: Oh, I threw them all out… Are you okay?
Spencer: YEAHHH, YEAHHH, I’M FINNNNE. *starts catching imaginary stars with her hands*
How much lower can she go? Soon, we’ll see this strung out junkie crawling through the streets, examining the sidewalk cracks, and diving into sewage drains in search for more drugs. I almost wanna puke thinking about it, but I’m afraid Spencer might jump at the opportunity and dig through my vomit as well!
On the bright side, at least Spencer is being environmentally friendly in an unintentional way. She reminds me of those freegans who dig up garbage in the back alleys of supermarkets for discarded dinner boxes. Aria was being a wasteful wench throwing away a perfectly good bottle of prescription pills, so if anything Spencer deserves our admiration for learning how to ~*reuse*~ and ~*recycle*~.
SIDEBAR: Did you know Sabrina’s actress is actually Troian’s bestie IRL? She pulled some strings to get her friend a part on the show, omg! Cool story, bruh!
Sabrina: Yeah, like a blueberry muffin?
Spencer: POT. Maybe some brownies.
OMGLOL~ Spencer thinks this is Starbucks and she could just go up to the cashier to ask for a caramel macchiato with some pot on the side. Excuse me, miss! Please read the menu more carefully, but pot is not today’s afternoon special!
Just to clarify, Sabrina is ethically opposed to *selling* drugs to a teenager, but she’s perfectly content with *giving* away free samples at her place of employment. Soon, we’ll see her rolling up joints and passing them around to all the customers. It’s on the house! Free weed with every order!
Sabrina: *singing along to a parody version of the theme song*
Got a crack pipe~ Can you smoke it? Swear this gets you high~
Better put it in your pocket~ Before you OD to the grave~
If I gave you, then you won’t tell no cops what I sold~
‘Cause two can keep a secret if both of them are stoned~
It turns out Ezra may like school girls but he’s not a big fan of the high school girls, so he gives a patronizing speech and discourages her drug use. Wahhh wahhh, drugs are bad! Wahhh wahhh, I’m suddenly pretending to be a moral adult with strong ethics and principles! Ugh, why do I always want Ezra to stfu even when he’s technically in the right? I wish he’d cut the moralizing BS, take a broom from the supply closet, and just chase this fucking junkie outta his store!
Hilariously enough, Spencer ends up *owning* Ezra in this confrontation even though she’s technically the one who got caught red-handed doing an illegal drug deal in his store. Of course, Ezra immediately buckled like a little bitch as soon as Spencer raised her voice and yelled at him. Look at this fucking poseur pretending to be a bleeding heart liberal teacher who cares about his student’s well-being…except he doesn’t care nearly enough and just stands there like a marble statue as Spencer walks out the front door with a box of crystal meth. FUCK YOU EZRA.
Ezra: Are you alone?
Spencer: Yeah, my mom stepped out for a moment.
Ezra: Ah. *immediately sits down next to Spencer and scoots over*
LOL. This mofo is soooo transparent. I bet he uses the exact same pick-up lines on all his underage customers. Are you alone, miss? Do you have any parents, chaperones, supervising adults, or authority figures that I need to know about before I sit down next to you?
At first, I thought Ezra cozied up to Spencer simply because he wanted some teenage coochie. Now, it becomes evident that he was trying to pry information to help with his shitty book deal once again. I swear, this bastard is RELENTLESS. Every episode, he’s either up Aria’s tits or up Spencer’s ass coaxing them for more info about their mysterious abduction. Tell me what you know… Tell me every little detail… *ugh* Ezra truly represents the worst in journalistic scum!!!
Aria gets a haircut
In the end, Aria finally opens up about her feelings and cries on her daddy’s shoulder, boo hoo hoo! After this scene, I have no doubts that Papa Montgomery thinks he completed his parenting quota for the year and we won’t see his character again for the rest of the season.
Hey Aria, you know what will help you consolidate your feelings? Instead of taking pictures, why don’t you just write down everything and send your manuscript directly to my publisher’s e-mail address? [/Ezra] You know Ezra must be so pissed off that Aria is finally opening up, but she’s choosing to share her exclusive scoop with her absentee father instead of her desperate writer boyfriend. What the hell, I called dibs on your sob story first, Aria!!! [/Ezra]
Of course, Aria made life difficult for herself by rebelling against A and acting like she was too damn cool to dye her hair. No way, pink is not trendy this season! Meanwhile, poor Mona is screaming as she dunks her entire head into a scorching hot bucket of blonde bleach. Aria should consider herself lucky that all she had to do is put a stupid little pink streak in her hair.
Personally, I believe she should have stuck to her convictions and accepted A’s bluff. Yeah, go ahead, shave it all off! If Britney Spears can rock the look, then so can you! I would pay good money to see Aria Montgomery strut around with her new shiny bald head. NO HURR, DON’T CURR~~~
Aria: Did you see who went in there before me?
Clark: No. I was in the other room. But whoever it was put a wedge in the door. That’s why you got stuck.
Bitch, don’t play. Clark has got to be the only person in a ten-mile radius, yet this mofo is still pretending that he didn’t put the wedge in the door and locked her inside that darkroom. *lol so obvious* How long before he’s revealed to be one of A’s bajillion accomplices on a secret mission to sabotage the pretty little liars?
While I do not look forward to watching another flop romance that will ultimately go nowhere, I gotta commend the pretty little liars for finally ditching those boring white boys and go for some boring black guys instead. After six seasons, PLL finally starts casting more than one black actor on the show and it’s about damn time. Hopefully this trend of interracial dating continues and we’ll see Spencer/Hanna get an upgrade in their boyfriends too~
These scenes are about as subtle as a sledgehammer and I’m surprised that Aria doesn’t just walk around with ten cameras dangling around her neck. Do you think the viewers noticed how much she loves photography yet, or should we include ten additional scenes where she’s adjusting the lenses in her camera???
Clark: Now that is a haunting image. I love how it’s framed off centre like that. You have a great eye!
To be honest, Aria can put a thumb over the camera lens and she’d still be lauded as a photography genius because everyone is engrossed with her abduction story. THE DARKNESS IN MY PHOTOS REPRESENTS THE DARKNESS INSIDE MY SOUL. *rambunctious applause*
More unnecessary Shower Harvey scenes
Let’s keep this part of the recap short & sweet since I ran out of things to say about her character. Basically, Sara is a crazy bitch who takes a lot of showers and climbs on top of houses to look at the sunset. *lolwtf* That’s when Mama Fields realized it might be dangerous to let a mentally unstable stranger live at her house, especially since it’ll be her responsibility if bitch rolls off the roof and goes lolsplat~ It still perplexes me why Sara is allowed to live here in the first place. They feed her, they bathe her, they even groom her. It’s almost like they picked up a stray animal off the streets and now they’re turning her into a domesticated household pet.
Emily: What about Sara!?!?
Hanna: I don’t even know the girl.
Exactly! Hanna’s truth tea deserves repeating: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THE BITCH. May I implore Emily to run an investigative background check on Sara Harvey? Just type her name in any search engine and I bet the first result is gonna be a news headline that says: *Fraudulent Criminal Outlaw Posing As Missing Girl, Statewide Police Manhunt In Alert*
Emily: What do you wanna do?
Sara: Simple things. Take a walk on the beach. Swim in the ocean. I can’t get back the time I lost, but I don’t wanna waste any more of it sitting in a room having someone analyze me.
I love how Sara says that last line even though we’re literally watching a scene with her sitting in a room being analyzed by Emily. *lol irony* You heard the bitch, let’s stop wasting time with this storyline! If Sara is gonna be unmasked as the evil shady bitch that we know she is, can we hurry along the process and get to the good juicy scenes already???
Emily & Sara have a romantic first date as they go swimming during the night. It kinda bothered me because *swimming pools* are supposed to be Paige’s thing, y’know? These sacred waters are where she first met Emily, where she first developed feelings for Emily, and where she first drowned Emily. This special place BELONGS to Paily. Who does that counterfeit bitch Sara thinks she is, stealing other people’s romantic moments and hijacking into our sweet Paily memories? This pool ain’t big enough for three swimming lesbians! Fuck off, Sara!
Unfortunately, Sara ruined the romantic moment for everybody when she couldn’t stay underwater for more than five seconds without gasping for air. *lol flop bitch* I wanna go swimming in the ocean with you, Emily! Oh never mind, I don’t even know how to swim lol~
Emily: I…I didn’t do anything…
Sara: Nobody’s ever looked out for me before.
Okay bitch, stop. Just stop it. Stop being fake, stop playing the victim, and stop with your phony attempts to connect with Emily on an emotional level. I dunno what your agenda is, but I can see right through your act. “Nobody ever looked out for me before?” Um bitch, your real friends set up a memorial website, joined a missing person support group, and poor Avery overdosed on drugs because she was so heartbroken over your loss! I tried giving her the benefit of the doubt, but I’m now convinced this isn’t the real Sara Harvey introduced to us in Season 4. Bitch has gotta be either Bethany Young or some professional scam artist in the middle of an identity theft heist!
Stop protecting me, Caleb!
Oh gee, thx a lot. The power of a single text message will surely prevent all the bad guys from ever abducting your daughter again. [/sarcasm]
Caleb: There was a ten minute gap between the time the first squad car left and the other one showed up. A lot can happen in ten minutes. *stirs and stews* I’m gonna go talk to that cop. I wanna see if the other guy left early or if he showed up late.
Hanna: Caleb, when my mom invited you to spend the night, she meant to sleep.
Caleb thinks he’s guarding the White House and needs to obsessively pore over every miniscule security detail around the premises. Even when Hanna blatantly offers herself to him (i.e. “My mom invited you here so we can make babies together! Hint hint!”), he’s so preoccupied with the police surveillance that he doesn’t notice his girlfriend’s advances. It’s even funnier because Caleb is being SO ANAL and gets his panties tied up if he catches Police Officer A scratching his nose instead of keeping his hand on the gun holster. *a cop sneezes* ZOMG MAXIMUM SECURITY BREACH!!!
Hanna. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Oh geez, Caleb must be hanging around Ezra too much and picked up a few of his creepy voyeuristic tendencies. Hanna might be worried now, but just wait until she finds out that Caleb also planted a tracking microchip inside her body while she was asleep. *lolz* In his defence, it was necessary for him to behave like a stalker because the pretty little liars were being messy bitches as usual, running around on their dumbass secret missions and refusing to share their silly secrets about A. Apparently, they can’t tell him about Charles DiLaurentis because it’ll put Sara’s life at risk, which *ugh dumbest reason ever*. Sara is a fucking saboteur who’s getting in the way and ruining EVERYTHING. Just let her die already!
Hanna: You feel like you have to protect me now, but your constant need to keep tabs on me is making me feel like I’m still in that bunker. And that is not what I need right now.
Ugh, I’m being suffocated! Ugh, I need more space! Ugh, I hate that I’ve such an attentive boyfriend who cares so much about protecting me from a crazed psycho killer! Can you believe Hanna is actually complaining because her boyfriend wants to look out for her safety? Does she prefer to be a sitting target that gets ambushed and attacked at every opportunity? Like wtf is wrong with her. I HATE BEING PROTECTED! I HATE FEELING SAFE! …and this is why we can’t have nice things in our life.
Just to make it official, Recap Everything is firmly on the side of #teamcaleb and #teamlogic. When will Hanna realize that her boyfriend is NOT the enemy here? I swear Caleb has the patience of a saint to put up with her bullshit. If she continues to treat him like shit, don’t be surprised if he suddenly packs a suitcase one day and boards a plane to California just like Paige did. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
History of Charles DiLaurentis
Oh geez. Do real parents actually get to select which of their children they want to sacrifice, or is this a special tradition that only exists in the DiLaurentis clan? You’d think you can take your parents’ unconditional love for granted, but it turns out you’re lucky just to be guaranteed a permanent place in your own family. It’s almost like a competitive game show where some family members move on to the next round and others are eliminated from all blood ties.
Jason: Distraction!? Is that what you call your own son!?
You gotta wonder how many other children got deported just because they didn’t fit into Kenneth & Jessica’s image of the ideal American family. This baby cries too much! *abandons it at an orphanage* This kid is left-handed! *leaves behind in a shopping cart* They must have weeded out all the pesky distractions and put the faulty children into the reject pile until only Alison and Jason remain.
Jason said that line with the earnestness of a wide-eyed child who just discovered Santa Claus doesn’t climb down the chimney and puts presents underneath the Christmas tree. You’d think a functioning adult might realize there’re no such things as an imaginary friend, but poor Jason is so gullible that he’ll believe anything you tell him. Since this is a time of honesty, we might as well break the bad news to Jason and let him know that dragons, fairies, genies, ogres and the monsters under his bed weren’t real either.
Poor Jason was having such an ~*existential crisis*~ in this episode. He begins questioning everything in his existence because his puny brain cannot distinguish what’s real and what’s not. Charlie: real or not? Easter Bunny: real or not? Casper the Friendly Ghost: real or not? Did I see a living leprechaun with my own eyes or was that just a figment of my imagination!? I AM SO CONFUSED!!!
HOLY SHIT, DIS MOTHERFUCKER IS CRAZY!!!!! Not just regular cray cray, but I’m talking about evil demonic baby-killing type of crazy. It’s really no surprise when you consider the gene pool and the genetic make-up. The demon seed was left stirring and stewing inside Jessica’s womb for nine whole months, that fucker never stood a chance to turn out normal.
Remember when there was a time everybody thought Alison was the absolute pinnacle of evil? It turns out her petty insults and her bullying antics were considered child’s play compared to what her older brother is capable of~ Perhaps Charles was clairvoyant and foresaw that his sister will grow up to be an awful bully during high school, so he decided to do the world a favour and off the bitch before she could do harm. Kill the monster at its weakest stage!
The photoshop job was SO bad, you guys. It’s as if PLL asked the two actors to bring in a real childhood picture for the props department, so Mr. Van Acker brought his sophomore yearbook photo and Ms. Pieterse brought a photo taken at the MTV Teen Choice Awards from two years ago. This resulted in a ridiculously hokey picture where Jason and Alison aren’t even in the same hue of colour. No wonder they took away all the photos from the family album if this is the best material they can come up with lmao~
Hanna: He’s lying. No body, no grave, no proof.
Just to remind everyone, they had both a body AND a grave back when Alison was presumed to be dead, but this bitch is now skipping merrily across town. Honestly, it doesn’t matter if they find a corpse or a gravestone or an obituary or a death record, none of that so-called evidence means anything on this show. Let’s act like educated viewers and just drop the charade. We all know Charles DiLaurentis is still alive, this is a simple FACT.
Emily: Carol is Alison’s great aunt. She can’t help us because she died when we were in the tenth grade.
Thank god the pretty little liars have an official Alison DiLaurentis historian in their group at times like these. It’s amazing that Emily memorized her lover’s family ancestry by heart and can fact-check any random Ali trivia at the top of her head. She also knows every cousin, uncle and aunt from both sides of Alison’s family, and can even tell you their names, their birthdays, and their places of birth. Hey, if you’re the president of Ali’s fan club, you gotta know this type of information!
Hilariously enough, Jason is seen with one arm in a sling and he still manages to drive a car to his aunt’s house all by himself. He must have used his left foot to turn the steering wheel instead. *lol*
lololol mama d was being so jokes in this scene hiding all dem secrets~ Unfortunately, Charles must have all the brains in the family and Jason is only left with the beauty, so this gullible fool just trotted away without questioning why his mom is such a shady bitch. Nothing suspicious happening here, tra la la~
Hanna: We’ve been down this road before. Every time A thinks we’re onto him he does something to throw us off track. This headstone is fake. Planted here by Charles to make us think he’s dead.
My favourite part is how Hanna blatantly talks shit about Alison’s family right in front of her. At one point, Ali turned her head in seething outrage and goes like: “Excuse me, I’m standing right here!” but Hanna doesn’t stop her motor mouth and just continues talking smack. Yeah, I’ll insult you and your family straight to your face, that’s how I roll! *lol*