This Pretty Little Liars episode recap features an imaginary friend, an imaginary torture, an imaginary plot, and an imaginary love triangle that only exists in Toby’s head.
Geez louise, Aria Montgomery. You would think after what happened to the girls last season, they might think twice before accusing somebody else of a heinous crime. Instead, they continue to run around like gibbering chickens and make mindless accusations against anyone unlucky enough to be in their phonebooks. Oh pretty little liars, never change~
Spencer: Well, Mona was stalking the halls when she was A. It didn’t exactly cramp her style.
Emily: Mona didn’t have someone caged up like an animal.
Spencer: I know. You can’t exactly ask for a hall pass to go feed your hostage.
I miss Mona so much already. She’d be the only one with some common sense and go against the groupthink. “Trust me, Andrew is NOT A. I know because I speak from plenty of first-hand experience~” For those of you wondering about the demon imp’s conspicuous absence, that bitch wasted no time hightailing out of town with Mama Vanderwaal. “Hurry up, mom! Forget about the suitcase!” Mona shouted anxiously as she rushed out the front door. “We need to get outta here before Mike Montgomery finds me and I’m forced to reunite with him. Très awkward!”
Aria is obsessed with Andrew
I kinda love that Andrew is such an overachieving little nerd, who actually managed to overachieve at overachieving. He might be the only student in history that needed an appendix at the back of the school yearbook just to include Part 2 and Part 3 of his extracurricular activities.
Ezra: Here’s a tip. If you don’t want somebody to know you’re hiding something from them, don’t hide it.
Um, fuck you? Hey Ezra, here’s a tip. Those who have thousands of hidden surveillance cameras and secret video footage should NOT throw stones.
At this rate, Aria won’t even be able to attend that podunk college next year when they see her failing grades and rescind her pity admission lolz. THEORY: Do you guys think Ezra is purposely trying to make Aria fail and repeat a grade? Then, she could stay as the perpetual high school student to satisfy his perverse fantasies forever~~~
Aria: No writing!
Ezra: You can NOT write. You can read, doodle, alphabetize the spice shelves.
OMFG!!! STOP IT, EZRA! What the hell is it with this skeevy mofo and him constantly insisting that Aria must ~*write down her feelings*~!? You know he has some kind of major book deal on the pretty little liars’ abduction plot and his publisher is pressuring him for some real juicy material in the first draft. Hey Aria, stop being so traumatized and just write about your most horrific experiences! My deadlines are approaching!
We didn’t learn anything new other than the fact that Andrew is an ~*adopted*~ child. Somehow, the pretty little liars are able to stretch their imaginations beyond belief and theorize this means Andrew might be *old* enough to be Jason’s twin brother. This totally explains the age difference zomg! It also explains why Andrew is so good at school, because he apparently had to repeat the first grade at least six times.
Aria: Look, I’m really glad you’re out.
Andrew: Really!? That’s not what I heard!!!
Aria: Erm, you have to understand…
Andrew: No, you have to understand! STAY AWAY FROM ME!
Andrew: I was looking for you! I was gonna be the hero! Instead I get arrested, thrown in jail, they investigate my parents, tear up my uncle’s farm, all because I wanted to help you. Because I didn’t believe what people said about you and your friends.
Guess Aria must feel like a bit of an asshole right now lolwhoops~
Andrew: DON’T! Just don’t! We graduate in three weeks, all you have to do is stay out of my way.
Hanna: You’ll graduate. Doesn’t mean the rest of us will.
Andrew: Oh, you’ll graduate! The school wants you gone as much as the rest of us! You’ll graduate with honours!
I thought I loved Andrew before, but I didn’t know the extent of my affection until I’ve heard him telling these bitches some home truths about themselves. Bwhahaha. His furious tirade on the pretty little liars is easily my favourite part of the episode. I fucking LOVED him hissing venom and spewing bitchy vitriol everywhere. After the way they jumped on the nearest bandwagon and completely turned against him, can you blame the guy for being so bitter? Screw the pretty little turncoats! GO ANDREW! READ THOSE BITCHES!
OH FUCKING BURN. That epic line definitely deserves to go into his infamous burn book! (Sidebar: I know A planted most of the evidence against him, but are we absolutely sure his bitchy journal isn’t handwritten by Andrew himself?) After dropping one final bomb of glorious righteousness on the pretty little liars, Andrew peaces out and walks off into the proverbial sunset. Oh my god, you guys! Is that not one of the best character exits in PLL history!? Wherever that righteous motherfucka is going, take me with you!
Stage 5 clinger Sara
Other shady things about Sara include: her teenage runaway story is probably a load of crock, the fact that she hadn’t returned home in days and nobody – not even the cops – seemed alarmed at her disappearance, how she’s just freeloading at Emily’s house like some musky rodent, and she takes 20 showers per day but still looks like a scraggly scarecrow. ALL SIGNS POINT TO SHADY BITCH.
Emily: I’m gonna go to school now~ You better be gone by the time I get home~
Sara: NOOOO NEVERRRR LEAVEEEE MEEEE BEHINDDDD! *drops to floor and clutches onto Emily’s leg*
Sara reminds me of a termite that has infested inside Emily’s home and even started nesting there. Someone better call pest control to spray away this pesky little roach!
You know somewhere out there, Mama Harvey is probably chuckling to herself and thinking: “Well, I may have thrown away all my daughter’s crap to make space for the 52″ widescreen HDTV in my newly renovated entertainment room, but at least I can hold my head high and say that I never attended a homophobic rally in my life. Et tu, Pam Fields?”
Some of you might be wondering why we haven’t see the rest of those pretty little knockoffs yet. Those girls were supposed to care about Sara so much that they even set up a fancy fansite after her disappearance. Then again, it’s questionable whether Sara’s friends had known her that well, considering they used the wrong picture of her on the homepage? HELP US FIND OUR MISSING FRIEND! *includes generic stock photo lolwhoops*
She said that line while practically foaming at the mouth. Um gurl, try looking into a mirror? At least Mama Fields had the decency to give her a sassy new haircut, which made her look less like a wounded animal and more like Miley Cyrus twerking at a punk rock concert – so basically, a different kind of feral. The Miley ‘do is the practically the only thing that I like about Sara’s character right now, so good job gurl?
Actually, don’t answer that. I don’t usually discourage character development, but I’d prefer if PLL simply gave up on the faux intrigue with Sara’s storyline and just have her ~hook up~ with Emily already. That’s why she got cast, right? Unfortunately, their romantic relationship seems to be moving at a snail’s pace, despite Sara prancing around in a teensy blue bathrobe for half the episode. Ugh, let’s fast forward to the parts where we see these two lesbians making out already! We don’t have all day here!
Toby’s imaginary love triangle
omglol @ Lorenzo referring to his teenage love interest as a *lady*. Not even *young lady*, but like *excuse me ma’am, please sign this permission form for your child’s field trip* type of lady. I know we’ve joked about Alison dressing like a middle-aged soccer mom, but I didn’t expect to see her literally show up at a children’s soccer game. All she’s missing is a snack pack & a baby stroller, and then Alison will fit right in with the rest of the suburban mothers!
Lorenzo: *peers down* You’ve got the moves~~~ I was talking about your kick.
It doesn’t help that Lorenzo’s dialogue is pervy as hell. I feel like I’ve heard his pick-up lines back in middle school health classes when they were teaching us about sexual harassment.
For those of us who don’t wanna get into Alison’s pants, you still gotta give a girl her props. I mean, kicking a soccer ball in those open toe platform shoes? NOTHING BUT RESPECT. Let’s see the pro players try to play ball in dem heels, I assure you Alison will whoop all their asses on the field!
Alison: I don’t think that’s a very good idea. Being a leader of girls, that hasn’t worked out for me. There are mothers in this town who wouldn’t appreciate me supervising their daughters.
First of all, I *love* the idea of Alison raising an army with young and easily impressionable church girls. That almost sounds like a religious cult leader, except she’d be even scarier and eviller and more corrupt with power. Second of all, I *love* the idea of Alison feuding with an angry mob of uppity soccer moms. “Don’t hate me because I’m younger and I can wear a knit cardigan better than you~” *other moms seethe with rage* Even as I’m typing out the words, I realize those scenes are exactly what I need from life right now. YES PLZ, ALISON 4 DA WORLD CUP!!!
Toby looked genuinely heartbroken when he saw the two of them flirting with each other. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if he’d start crying or even break into a jealous fit of rage. From the way he was seething on the inside, you can tell bitch was ready to drop his weave and scratch Alison’s eyes out. BITCH, BACK OFF MAH MAN!!!
From the way he was behaving, you’d think the three of them were involved in some complicated love triangle…except they’re not. Toby isn’t romantically linked with either Alison or Lorenzo, so I have NO IDEA why he thinks he has any say in their relationship? As far as I can tell, this is a story of boy meets girl, not boy meets girl meets random friend who’s jealously possessive over a relationship that he isn’t even a part of.
Toby: I need you to talk to Ali. About keeping away from Lorenzo. I saw them together!
Spencer: That’s his business, isn’t it? His and Ali’s?
OMFG. BUTT OUT OF IT, TOBY! This mofo obviously has too much time on his hands if he spends his days worrying and fretting about Alison’s feminine wiles. When did Toby become such a meddlesome housewife with a moral obligation to police other people’s romantic endeavours? Unless he recently transferred over to the ~*sex offenders crime unit*~ at the police department, *YOU* *HAVE* *NO* *BUSINESS* *MEDDLING* *IN* *THEIR* *AFFAIRS*!!!
Wow. Can you taste the bitterness dripping from every single word? I wanna go on the record stating that I don’t endorse Alison’s yuckmance with Lorenzo, but it kinda bothered me that Toby was acting like such a gossipy stank ho about their relationship. Other than that, I’m totally on board with his tireless crusade to sink the abhorrent Lorison ship before it even launches. You go, gurl~
Both of them are catty bitches sniping at each other, but Toby is easily the main culprit. Did anyone notice that his character has been acting like a real saucy bitch since this season started? He’s the biggest ~mean gurl~ on the show who beats up good guys and spits out vitriol in his wake of destruction. Even Regina George is looking at him and going like: “I may be the original mean girl, but you are NEXT LEVEL!”
Alison: I don’t want anybody else hating me!
WHO IS THIS MOPEY EMOTIONAL MESS OF A HUMAN BEING!? THAT IS NOT THE ALISON DILAURENTIS THAT *I* KNOW!!!
Alison is such a raging narcissist that she manages to milk sympathy out of a traumatic event that never even happened to her. Oh, poor me! Oh, pity me! Oh, it’s all because of me! ME ME ME ME ME. I know you got abducted, but imagine how *I* feel! One day, Alison will learn that she’s not the centre of the universe and she doesn’t have some kind of gravitational pull over everybody’s lives with her actions. *a volcano erupts* OH NO, IS IT MY FAULT!? *a tsunami crashes* DID I CAUSE THIS!? *an earthquake rumbles* HAVE I SINNED AGAIN!?
Spencer: God! No! Ali, it’s not like that!
Alison was being so melodramatic that I thought she was gonna nail herself to a cross and just hang there. JESUS CHRIST HAVE DIED FOR OUR SINS, AND SO HAVE I! Of course, this bitch cries a little bit of crocodile tears and the pretty little liars are eating up her bullshit with a spoon. Spencer spends the rest of the episode vehemently defending Alison’s honour. No, it’s not like that! We love you, Ali! People can change! You’re such a Good Person! Ugh Spencer, Alison’s asshole won’t get any cleaner no matter how hard you lick it. *waves doggie biscuit* But here’s a treat for being such an obedient little lapdog!
Spencer offers some wise relationship advice for her friend: “Hey Ali, we’re probably gonna die young from the way A is coming after our lives on a daily basis, so I strongly advise you to TAP DAT ASS while you still can~ ” YOLO MOMENT.
Dr. Sullivan FAIL
Who else was surprised that Hanna ended up being the BIGGEST NERD in the group? Ever since she got accepted into a few good universities, this phony bitch is putting on a massive front and pretending that she takes school soooo seriously now. Oh my, look at this studious student with her perfect attendance record! Now I understand why Hanna got accepted into Harvard and you didn’t, Spencer!
Poor Dr. Sullivan must have hit a rough patch in her career ever since Radley shut down at the beginning of the season, which means she doesn’t have any more crazy patients to scrutinize and misdiagnose. Now, bitch is desperate for a job, so she heads off to the next closest thing to a mental asylum around town… *HIGH SCHOOL*
Hanna: I think the thing that A hated the most is that we were friends. Aria, Spencer, Emily, and me. Like ruining that is the big win.
Dr. Sullivan: BORED NOW. *checks watch* Is it time for recess yet?
Did you notice the Sullivan bitch had nothing constructive to say during their first session in the classroom? Her only piece of advice is to schedule an in-depth appointment at her private office, which is Dr. Sullivan’s way of saying: “THERE WILL BE NO ACTUAL COUNSELLING UNTIL YOU PAY UP, BITCH!”
Hanna: Well, it can’t just be me! I mean, it has to be all four of us!
Dr. Sullivan: I can’t force the others into a group session…
Hanna: Well, you’re a doctor! Can’t you subpoena them!?
I love it whenever Hanna demonstrates her fancy encyclopaedic knowledge of law. Duh! Just subpoena their asses! I guess you tend to pick up a legal jargon or two when you spend the past few seasons going in and out of police stations, courtrooms and prisons. ^_^” Hanna might not have a subpoena, but she’s still bossing around her friends by sending them an angry shouty text message. IT’S WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS SO YOU KNOW IT MUST BE SRS BSNS. GET HERE!!! THIS IS A COURT ORDER!!!
Bitch please. I’m guessing there was no mystery caller and that urgent phone call had been nothing but a shabby excuse for Dr. Sullivan to slack off as always. What’s the probability of finding that bitch currently in her office, tapping her fingers on her mobile phone, as she clears the next level in her Tetris game?
Meet Jason’s imaginary friend!
As always, Spencer has been running around, doing the most, and sticking her nose into the DiLaurentis family to dig up more info about Charles. At first, she was pestering Alison once again. You’d think that bitch would know things about her own family, but she has been almost no help to this investigation, acting either blissfully ignorant (“I think the goblins did it? “) or woefully in denial (“How dare you accuse my daddy of lying! GTFO! “)
Jason and Charlie played together all the time, until one day the goblins came and his imaginary friend was magically gone. You’d think during his twentysomething years of existence, Jason would reminisce about his childhood memories and feel suspicious when he realizes there’re no such things as imaginary friends??? But I guess he just assumed Charlie must have disappeared along with the other mythical creatures who used to visit him all the time, like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
Hanna: Imaginary? Like Mr. Biscuit?
Hanna: Long story.
I love how the room immediately fell into a silence and the other three girls just stared at her going like *FERREALS???* Okay, whatever! At least Mr. Biscuit would never cross his arms and judge Hanna’s imagination with a look of disbelief in his face, proving that he’s still a better friend than any of these three bitches!
Unfortunately, they decide to tell Dr. Sullivan, who’s frankly the biggest non-entity in the grand scheme of things. Besides, she’s the last person that they should be sharing their secrets with. Remember when A tried to blackmail her and that bitch immediately threw all moral integrity out the window? Anyway, A doesn’t even bother with the blackmail this time and proceeded directly to making death threats against the pretty little liars. SHUT YER TRAPS OR DIE. *lolz*
Am I the only one who thinks the most obvious solution is that Sara must be implicit in the making of this video? Like, think about it. What has blonde hair, two thumbs, and can unlock Emily’s front door to let A waltz into that house? I mean, duh, that video is obviously staged and Sara is obviously in cahoots with A. The only mystery here is why the pretty little liars are such fools to trust dis shady bitch in sheep’s clothing.
Hanna: Leave Mr. Biscuit out of it!
OMG. What if Charlie DiLaurentis and Mr. Biscuit are the same person!?!? You laugh now, but let’s see who’s still laughing when A unmasks himself in the Season 7 finale and we scream in horror when Hanna’s long neglected best friend turns out to be the big bad once again!
Also, remember that one time when Dr. Sullivan forced Hanna to talk to an invisible person in an empty chair as a therapy technique? Well, it looks like her patient took the advice to heart and now the grasshopper has used the exact same trick on its master lolz~ LOOK AT ALL MY IMAGINARY PATIENTS!
Dr. Sullivan: I understand if you had an emergency, but you all had the same emergency?
Hanna: No, it was the same emergency! My mom fell in the shower! We think it was a soap.
S.O.S. CANCEL ALL YOUR FRIDAY NIGHT PLANS. MY MOM FELL IN THE SHOWER. GET HERE!!! Sounds legit, right?
U GUISE I AM SO DISAPPOINTED. No wonder we didn’t see the missing footage of the pretty little liars being tortured, because absolutely jack shit happened. What’s the point of abducting those bitches if you aren’t gonna torture the shit out of them!? TOTAL WEAKSAUCE.
AT LAST, A HIDDEN CLUE! Thanks to Detective Aria for solving the case. It turns out that she isn’t just good at *taking* pictures, but she’s also good at *finding* pictures that are hidden in completely obscure places undetectable to the naked eye. *points finger dramatically* MY PHOTOGRAPHER’S INTUITION TELLS ME THERE’S A PICTURE HIDDEN WITHIN THAT BUTTON JAR!!!
Okay, I know PLL takes place in the stone ages, but has Alison’s mom never heard of Facebook or Pinterest or Instagram or The Internet before? She could’ve saved herself a lot of time if she discovered the option to create a private photo album online, instead of hiding her scandalous pics in a button jar like she’s some Downton Abbey character.
Of course, PLL is a being MAJOR COCKTEASE and immediately kicks out the camera crew at the exact moment that the scene starts getting interesting. The only thing we see is Alison and Jason’s exaggerated reactions to their father’s words. Hopefully, we’ll find out the major revelation next episode, but my guess is something along the lines of “WHAT!? MY REAL NAME IS CHARLES DILAURENTIS BEFORE I GOT MY SEX OPERATION!? :O” so PLL better not disappoint~~~
Veronica: How was it? Going back to school?
Spencer: Don’t do that.
Veronica: Do what?
Spencer: *tears up* Don’t try to catch me in a lie! It’s humiliating!
What a utterly pointless fight, amirite? But you would never notice the banality because Troian brought some major acting props in the scene like she always does. I swear she could cry about one of her fingernails being chipped off and she’d still be able to deliver an amazing performance that instantly moves me to tears. “Oww, I stubbed my toe!” BAWLING MY EYES OUT.