This PLL recap features Ella Montgomery’s Proverb of the Day: “Pretty Little Liars, you are very ridiculous, but please remember you are also very absurd.”
Unfortunately, the police didn’t get the memo that Andrew is just the scapegoat of the week. He became the prime suspect after they found shitloads of incriminating evidence, including a stolen vehicle, surveillance equipment, weapons of mass destruction, crystal meth, the seven horcruxes, an ISIS pamphlet, and even some Nazi memorabilia amongst his possessions. Sure, there’s always the possibility that A planted the evidence just like the past fifty other times…but it’s much more convenient to blame Andrew instead for every crime under the sun!
Toby’s five minutes of police brutality
If this sudden development comes as a shock to anyone, you are not alone. What happened to the adorable nerd who quoted Winston Churchill and studied seven hours for his biology exam? Are we really supposed to go against everything we know about his character and just believe that he turned evil overnight? If Andrew is a bad guy, then what does that make the rest of us!?!?
Okay gurl, stop. First of all, hating on Mona has never been a crime and if anything it only proves his innocence even more. Second of all, I lurve hearing details about Andrew’s infamous burn book and I wanna read the full transcripts of him talking smack about those bitches. The contents are getting more hilariously disturbed (“the feminization of society” alolwut?) which only increases its appeal to me. I would pay good money to get my hands on a copy of this ~*forbidden literature*~.
WHAT THE HELL, TOBY!? YOU GOTS TO GET A GRIP BITCH! I can only hope that one day #justice will be served and Andrew is proven innocent, while Toby gets stripped of his police badge before they throw his sorry ass in the slammer where he rightfully belongs!
Toby: *foaming at the mouth* GIMME FIVE MINUTES WITH HIMMMM!!!
It was mortifying to watch Toby act all *tough* and *stern* as he barks out lines like “Gimme five minutes!” and “Walk away! Just walk away!” when his colleague tried to talk some sense into him. Ugh, can Toby start acting more like a legit police officer and less like a neanderthal entering into a cage fight? This little punk must have thought he was some sort of BADASS, but he just came across looking like a total ASSHOLE. I seriously hated his character a little after this episode. Die, Toby, die.
Lt. Tanner: I’m very proud of you, Officer Cavanaugh. You exemplify the brutal violence, the thriving corruption, and the constant abuse of power that makes up the essence of a true police officer. Well done!
Wait, what!? *lol* Yes, I totally blame Lt. Tanner for rubbing off her bad influence all over Toby. She finally succeeded and trained him into a senseless, bloodthirsty, morally bankrupt police hound that will do her evil bidding. ANOTHER TANNERSAURUS VICTORY!
…and then, we get to the next scene between Mama Hastings and Spencer, and all sentimentality stops here. *alol*
Ella: I feel blessed that you’re back home with me!
Ashley: I’ll never lose you again!
Veronica: I SPOKE TO THE PROSECUTOR’S OFFICE TODAY. LAWSUITS! ARRESTS! CRIMINAL CHARGES! COURTROOM BAILIFFS! These are just some of the things that I care more about than my own daughter.
Holy shit, somebody needs to go and check if Veronica’s heart is made out of stone because that was a seriously COLD reception. I understand that some people have natural maternal instincts and others just have ice running through their veins, but can Mama Hastings be any more aloof and distant? She was talking to her own daughter like a prison warden issuing orders to an inmate.
A demonstration of Veronica’s parenting: Am I supposed to feel emotional over my daughter’s return? Did you girls escape from a terrorist attack in a Syrian war zone? I don’t think so! You bitches shouldn’t have been dumb enough to get kidnapped in the first place. Now go back to your room, Spencer! You’re lucky that I don’t ground your ass for causing us this much trouble!
Spencer: I CAN’T SLEEP! I AM DYING! I NEED PILLS!
Veronica: TOO BAD! TOUGH LUCK! I DON’T CAYUR!
FIGHT, BITCHES, FIGHT! It took around sixty seconds before Spencer’s family reunion deteriorated into a heated screaming match. Is this a new record? You might think Veronica would go a little easier on her daughter considering she just escaped from a hellish torture dungeon, but always SAY NO TO DRUGS and definitely SAY NO TO PARENTAL LOVE.
See? Mama Hastings does care about her daughter’s well-being, even though she just expresses her concern often in the most frigid and callous way possible. Think of it this way, Veronica wouldn’t need to behave like such an unsympathetic hard bitch if her daughter wasn’t such a strung out cokehead addict, y’know? Why is she considered a bad mother just because she doesn’t want to find her daughter’s lifeless body sprawled out on the ground after a drug overdose?
While I loved Spencer’s hilarious addiction storyline back in Season 4, I’m not exactly thrilled to watch them rehash the same old shit again. Can PLL mix it up a little bit? Popping pills, been there, done that, yawn~ Spencer needs to step it up and start experimenting with more drugs! I wanna see needles and joints and bongs and hookahs and marijuana farms and exploding meth labs!
Stop eyefucking Caleb, mom!
In fact, there’s too much angst in the episode and Hanna was easily the worst offender. She goes through a ~slow~ and ~introspective~ suffering process, so the moody bitch is always shown as *lost in thought* *detached and despondent* *bored out of my mind*. Sorry, that last part wasn’t describing her, it was about me. At one point, we even see Hanna slowly, slowly, slowly peeling off the wallpaper in her bedroom. OMFG. Sorry, I know Hanna is hurting from PTSD or whatever, but can she suffer in a bitchier and more entertaining way?
Ashley: I’m not leaving you alone!
*one second later, Ashley immediately turns around and skedaddles away, leaving Hanna alone in the room by herself*
There’s nothing wrong with the line, it’s just that the *timing* is all wrong. Did Ashley have some urgent business to attend to that she couldn’t have stayed with her daughter for a few more moments after saying that line? OK HANNA I’LL NEVER LEAVE YOU BUT I GOTZ 2 GO NAO! KTHXBAI!
At first, I thought Hanna was just gonna move a few cushions around and that would be the end of her existential crisis, but she really took the renovation to heart and tore apart everything. Wallpaper, rip it off! Furniture, chuck it out! Even the bed, throw it away! Somebody better call Ty Pennington, because Hanna’s room is about to get an XTREME HOME MAKEOVER!
Hey Hanna, why not just take a bulldozer and demolish your entire house while you’re at it!? Not that I blame her for wanting to change her bedroom and get rid of everything. Would you wanna look at the same tacky wallpaper that keeps reminding you of your dark abusive trauma? If I was her, I’d take it a step further and change rooms, change houses, change neighbourhoods, change countries, and even change galaxies just to get a fresh start!
Hanna: I HAVE TRAUMA! I HAVE ISSUES! I HAVE ANGST! WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN TO ME! WAH WAH WAHHHHH!!!
Ashley: *thinking* OMFG! My daughter lost her mind! I mean…I still love her, but bitch is legit CRAZY. What do I do!? *darting eyes at Caleb* HELP ME!!!
Hanna: STOP LOOKING AT HIM! AND STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE I’M SOME CRAZY PERSON!!!
Ashley: *shifty eyes* Okay dear…? *sideeye* Whatever you want…? *eyeballs practically leering to the edge of her eye sockets* Caleb, your thoughts?
Caleb: Have I ever told you that you’re the bravest person I ever met?
Hanna: It’s not true, but I like the sound of it.
Caleb: It is true and you’re gonna get through this.
I was not championing Haleb’s relationship before this, but he won me over just on the virtue of being such a sweet and lovely boyfriend. Hanna is a lucky bitch to have him in her life~ :)
To be honest, I’m surprised that Ashley didn’t get down on one knee and propose to Caleb on her daughter’s behalf. I think she might be just as smitten with him as Hanna is. If Haleb’s relationship doesn’t work out and they break up in the future, you better believe Ashley will pounce on Caleb immediately and snag this hunk of meat all to herself!
Emily is a badass gunslinger
Hanna: A just played games with us. Truth or dare. Who do you love more? Me or her? Who deserves water today? You decide, or you lose your turn and somebody else gets to pick. Lots and lots of games.
LMAOOOO. Oh sorry, was that not the appropriate emotional response? I know I’m supposed to act outraged and feel sorry for those poor girls, but part of me just really, really, really wants to see the raw footage and cackle evilly as A tortures these bitches. WHO DOESN’T DESERVE BREAKFAST TODAY!? *buzzer sound* IT’S THREE AGAINST ONE! YOU LOSE, HEFTY HANNA!
A: Who deserves to be strapped to the electric chair!?
Aria: Sorry Mona, I choose you! *presses Mona’s button*
A: Who deserves to be burned alive at the stake!?
Emily: I choose Mona as well! *presses Mona’s button*
Spencer: *doesn’t even wait for the question and just slams on Mona’s button repeatedly*
What I’m most curious about is *how* the girls handled the mind games. Did they try to allocate the rewards and punishments evenly amongst themselves? Or did the three of them gang up on one person to receive the brunt of the suffering? Were their decisions made randomly? Or was there some personal vendetta involved in their choices? I can totally picture Emily dishing out some payback against Spencer. I STILL REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT MAYAAAAA. *hits buzzer*
Personally, I think Pam is a little scared because she’s living in the closest proximity to Emily and she knows she’s prone to pissing off her daughter on a daily basis. If Emily continues carrying a gun, Mama Fields definitely has the highest risk being the victim of a domestic violence homicide!
Emily: I’M NOT ANGRY, MOM!!! I’M TOTALLY CALM AND RATIONAL ENOUGH TO CARRY A GUN!!! JUST GIMME MY GUN BACK, BITCH!!!
Mama Fields goes ballistic and strictly forbids her daughter from using any form of gunfire. Emily also goes ballistic and threatens to shoot her mom in the face. I might be getting some of my events mixed up, but you get the gist that it was a pretty intense confrontation. OMG EMILY! WHY ARE YOU STILL ARGUING WITH YOUR MOM!? JUST SHOOT HER ALREADY!!!
After multiple failed life aspirations (i.e. professional swimmer, professional caterer, professional biologist, professional beauty queen), it’s nice to see that Emily finally has a clear career path. Not that she had much choice anyway, she pretty much sucked doing everything else. *lol* But joining the army is such an obvious career prospect for her, I can’t believe I didn’t notice it until now. I’m on board with the idea and fully expect Emily to show up in a ~Hottest Military Babes~ calendar some time near the future.
In related news, Paige must have sensed that her woman is being poached, so she calls Emily this episode. “I’m gonna board a plane and stage a dramatic reconciliation with you!” Paige proclaims. But we know this bitch is full of shit because if she really wanted to visit, she would’ve already appeared at Emily’s doorstep with a suitcase and tears brimming in her eyes. It still could have been a romantic reunion, except Emily was like “Excuse me, bitch? I already found a new love interest so you’re dead to me, kthxbai~” Is this the final nail in Paily’s coffin? I’m afraid so, dear friends.
I mean, I know Emily had a *type*, but I didn’t know she had such a *specific* niche when it comes to her online dating profile? She clearly has a hero complex and likes her damsels to be as distressed as possible. The more emotionally traumatized they are, the hotter they come~ SPOILER ALERT: Emily’s next three girlfriends will come from a women’s shelter, a refugee camp, and a cancer rehabilitation facility.
Alison cruises for men at church
I just don’t get it! Did PLL run out of young unemployed actors in the casting pool? What prompted them to pair Alison with such an older looking dude!? I know she likes to date outside of her age bracket, but this is like several brackets of age disparity here! SPOILER ALERT: Alison’s next three boyfriends will come from a retirement party, an eldercare facility, and a funeral home.
This started happening ever since Mama DiLaurentis died, Alison’s rags are looking more and more mature each day, almost like she took the clothes directly from her mom’s closet. I’m not hating on the actual clothes, I think they would look perfectly stylish on one of the other PLL mothers. It’s just that Alison needs to remember she’s still a teenager and not dress like a soccer mom packing juice boxes for her children’s playdates. You’re gorgeous, you’re rich, you’re in your teens! You deserve to wear something a little more youthful and more vibrant!
Alison: Toby! What’s up, bitch!?
Toby: *smile immediately vanishes* What do you want from me, ho!?
Alison: Oh, you nasty whore. Don’t make me take off this designer handbag and scratch your face with my perfectly manicured nails cuz I ain’t afraid of you!
Toby: TRY ME, SLUT!!!
Lorenzo: This…is…incredibly…awkward. I think I’m gonna step aside and not get involved in your catfight.
Toby: *grumbling* How are you doing?
Alison: *pause* *glare* *pause again* I’m glad it’s over.
Toby: *gritting teeth* Me too.
Lorenzo is probably thinking to himself: WHO ARE DESE BITCHES AND WHY ARE THEY SO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WITH EACH OTHER!?!?
JUST LOOK AT DIS BITCH. *smh* Alison, please remind yourself that you’re in a place of worship and get those filthy unsavoury thoughts outta your head, because they’re written all over your face. And please remember, God frowns upon little girls who get on their knees and pray for blowjobs.
Lorenzo: It’s nice to see a familiar face around here at church~
Alison: *coy smile* I like the music.
OMG ALI. You are attending church service! Not dancing to the Bee Gees at a downtown night club! Unfortunately, I’m sorry to report that Alison has gotten WORSE at flirting if that’s even possible? This girl has zero game. *lol cringe*
Lorenzo: Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone I saw you at church. It’ll be our little secret! ;)
Alison: WHAT!? What makes you think I don’t want people to know!?
I know why Lorenzo wants to stay on the DL as an adult creeper hitting on teenage girls, but Alison acts outraged because she wanted the news to spread that she’s a good little girl who goes to church. *puts on plastic halo* Duh, what’s the point of attending church if nobody knows about it?
Alison: I’m embarrassed about it. Not about going, but about what people might think. I’m sure Toby has told you plenty about me, so you can understand why people might see me at church and say she’s just there for show or maybe she went crazy in jail.
LOLZ. First of all, it’s hilarious that she assumed that Toby is a dirty gossipy ho talking smack about her across town. Second of all, Alison is right that she didn’t go to church for *show*. She only went there to solicit *sex*, and based on Lorenzo’s pervy face, it seems like she’s succeeding!
Aria, you are very smart yet very wise as well.
Emily: Andrew Campbell and Charles DiLaurentis are the same person. That’s what we’re saying, right?
Aria: We’re not just saying it. It’s REALITY.
Spencer: Reality has been through a lot, and so have we.
LEMME MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU BITCHES…ANDREW IS *NOT* A. Unless he literally rips off his human skin mask, the police arrested the wrong person! How hard is it to understand this!? FFS!
Spencer: We don’t. *shrugs* The cops will know if it’s true. *idgaf*
I love how little Spencer seems to care that her friend is imprisoned over a crime that he didn’t commit. What did you expect from the same girl who reported one of her closest friends to the police and even coerced her own older brother to throw her under the bus? You might think she’s being unreasonably harsh towards Andrew, but this is actually Spencer Hastings on her *best* behaviour.
Aria: You guys, it makes perfect sense! Andrew has always just been there on the edge of things, always helping! It makes me SICK just thinking about it.
Okay gurl, stop. You just know Aria is overcompensating because she feels guilty about cheating on Ezra, so now she’s throwing Andrew under the bus to make her own conscience feel a little better. Ugh please, I can read this bitch like an open book.
At one point, Aria actually thanked Ezra for saving her life and I almost did a double take like *WTF!?!?* Are we watching the same show, gurl!? Did Ezra take a second bullet in the abdomen when I had my back turned and wasn’t looking? As far as I’m concerned, Alison put her whole life at risk and did ALL the work to save those bitches. Ezra sat in the car and practically did NUTHIN’.
Aria: I won’t be doing that.
Ezra: Oh, no! No, I don’t mean for public consumption. But uh…a journal just for yourself…
Aria: I just said I don’t wanna do that! I don’t wanna own it, I don’t wanna memorialize it, I don’t wanna think about it being in a diary somewhere in my room!
Thank god Aria shut down that shit immediately. Ugh, can Ezra be any more of a sleazy opportunistic bastard? His agenda was soooo transparent, trying to capitalize on his girlfriend’s suffering, coercing her into writing about her painful experiences, and then publishing her manuscripts for his own fame and fortune. Talk about a new low even for Ezra. GO AWAY, YOU BOTTOM-FEEDING FAME-MONGERING SCUM-SUCKING CRETIN!!!
Aria: I DID SEE HIS FACE. OMG OMG OMG. I SAW HIM WITHOUT HIS MASK ONCE. I REMEMBER IT SO CLEARLY NOW. HE HAD TWO EYES, TWO NOSTRILS AND TWO MOUTHS. ANDREW IS A!!!
If you’re gonna frame Andrew for murder, could you at least not embarrass yourself and do it more competently? Aria changed her tune five times and couldn’t even keep her stories straight within the same sentence. The moral message here is don’t tell lies if you’re shit at them. GURL BYE.
The real mystery in this episode is what happened to Lt. Tanner and what have they done with her body!? Is this scrawny lady actually the Tannersaurus in disguise? Or did she wake up one day and thought “I need a new face!” before heading over to the plastic surgeon? Also, I find it hilarious that PLL had to cast a random actress as a stand-in when they needed to film scenes with an actual competent police detective who has some measure of credibility. Oh burn, Tanner, burrrrn.
Ella: Ya you did lol~
Aria: It was him! It was Andrew! It has to be Andrew!
Ella: Aria, you are very smart. But please also remember that you are very wise.
HOLY SHIT. That is some epic next-level passive aggressiveness right there! It’s astonishing how Mama Montgomery manages to diss her daughter while cloaking her insult entirely with complimentary words. You can tell Ella *implied* that Aria is a silly ho for suspecting Andrew, but you can’t find the *actual* words to pin the blame on her. Ella’s sly proverbs are even more impressive than Confucius. What she says ~*transcends*~ beyond human comprehension and can only be deciphered by a higher divine being. Ella, you are very profound, but please also remember you are very coherent.
Spencer: Ali, I’m going to say this as delicately as I can…YOUR FATHER IS A LIAR.
Alison: That was the delicate way???
To be fair, Charles is probably NOT his biological child, but just one of the countless offspring that Jessica left behind during her journey to sleep with every man across town. Mama DiLaurentis is almost like a feline cat. She breeds with a married man, lays down a litter of children, and then moves on to the next household.
You may think Alison is making a snarky wisecrack, but I’m treating this as a very plausible theory and those pesky goblins are now my top suspects. When A finally unmasks himself during the Season 7 finale, we’ll see Rumpelstiltskin’s toothless grin as he hisses loudly: “It was meeeee! I stole Jessica DiLaurentis’ firstborn child, Charlesssss!” Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
LMAO. Okay, is that not the most sophisticated and elaborate way of calling somebody’s mother a whore!? Spencer just took a crass ‘yo momma’ joke and escalated it into a masterful art form. *bows down*
Spencer: Thank you for getting us out of that place.
Alison: You’d have done the same for me.
Spencer: ………*silence that goes on beyond an eternity*
Deep down, Spencer may have left Alison inside that hole if their roles were reversed. Now, I really wished things worked out differently and we could have seen all six pretty little liars partake in A’s mind games together. WHO DESERVES TO BE STUNG BY A JELLYFISH!? *Spencer slams one hand on Alison’s buzzer and the other hand on Mona’s buzzer* BOTH OF ‘EM!