ARE YOU READY FOR SPALEB SEX??? Their hilariously pornographic love saga continues. Also: Ezra has a LOLPSYCHO meltdown, Lucas is now a rich nerd, and Emily is selling her scrambled eggs.
Don’t worry, fashionistas! Recap Everything will pick up the slack and tell you where to find the exact outfit that the pretty little liars wore in this scene! Robe: Head to your bathroom and find one in your laundry basket. Cucumber Slices: Comes free of charge with every salad ordered at Applebee’s. Also purchasable in your nearest supermarket.
This will not end well for you, Hanna Marin.
Spencer: The police didn’t ask us to stick around to exfoliate. There’re gonna be questions!
Emily: Aria doesn’t know where Ezra went after she left him.
Spencer: Yeah, but she knows he was in a ~dark place~.
Emily: Just cuz you’re ~depressed~ doesn’t mean you ~pick up a weapon~.
Spencer: Okay, guys. We’re here to chill, not spill.
That’s totally gonna be my new life mantra from now on: *less spill, more chill*. Along with my other new life mantra: *less encumber, more cucumber please*!
Spencer: Why lie!? Why not just say ‘I snuck out to go meet Ezra’!? It’s just SO twisted. She hasn’t even spoken to Fitz in like five years! And now, if he did this for her, they’re gonna be bound together forever!
Leave it to Pretty Little Liars to somehow twist a cold-blooded murder into yet another Ezria moment. Oh em gee, Ezra only killed to protect Aria! And now they’re bound together forever! That’s so gosh darn romantic!
I say this every single time, but HANNA MARIN IS THE DUMBEST BITCH EVER. *sighs* Sometimes, I’m curious about what does the inside of her brain look like. Evidently, it must be a vast empty space with lettuce, cucumber slices, salad dressing, and not much else.
Lorenzo: We have an IT specialist determining whether there’s a malfunction with the device or…
Ashley: Or what?
Lorenzo: Or it was deleted.
Ashley: W-what are you implying!?
Oh Ashley, we’ve been down this road before. You know exactly what Detective Lorenzo is implying. Your daughter did it and there’s only one way out of this. Better get on your knees and start sucking, missy!
Hanna: Why do they have to speak with you?
Ashley: THEY’RE INVESTIGATING A MURDER, HANNA! I have a daughter who is staying here and who was once tortured by the victim! Don’t look so surprised!
The worst part is how Hanna continues to lie to her mom about deleting the footage. No, I didn’t do it! No, wasn’t me! Um bitch, if you’re gonna commit a felony, at least tell your mom the truth so that she can prepare in advance and help you clean up your mess.
Sara Harvey is like a cancer cell.
Sara: Last time I checked, this was the quiet room~
Every time Emily tries to ask Sara why she is behaving like such a creepy stalker, she always gets some kind of LOLTROLL response. I’m genuinely confused about how Sara has that much free time in her schedule to follow Emily around 24/7. What does she do with her days!? Does she have a life!? Where are her friends and family!? Besides, doesn’t she have to work? How does this bitch even make enough money to live in a swanky hotel? Last time I checked, full-time stalking isn’t exactly a job that pays the rent!
It has gotten to a point where Emily can’t even spend three seconds with her mom before bolting it outta there. She’d rather be stalked outside by Sara Harvey than to be nagged to death at home by her own mother. That’s how annoying you are, Mama Fields!
To be honest, it’s amazing how Emily managed to pull the wool over her mom’s eyes and maintain this incredibly unbelievable lie for YEARS. You’d think she might have a hard enough time lying about her nonexistent bachelor’s degree and her nonexistent scientific career already, but this bitch went ahead and lied to her mom about her nonexistent grad school ambitions too. Unless they start offering graduate degrees in bartending, I don’t think that’s gonna be happening any time soon hun.
I wish we actually got to see the contents of the letter. I imagine it’s some kind of legal document from Pepperdine University stating: “Emily Fields, we are issuing you a formal warning to stop telling people that you graduated from our prestigious school! You’re making us look bad!”
Can we just skip to the part where Mama Fields finishes her angry tirade and files legal emancipation to disown her daughter? I thought I’d be more excited to watch the dramatic fallout from this storyline, but then I remember that I’ll need to hear Pam’s shrill voice on full blast. Hilariously enough, Emily got kinda bored at this point and already blocked out her nagging mother’s voice like Charlie Brown does with the adults. *lol*
To be honest, I’m not sure how I feel about Shower Harvey anymore. She perplexes me as a human being. At first, her stalking felt annoying. Then it became creepy. But now she has been so persistent that it’s kinda funny? I guess I appreciate her character in the same way I appreciate this season of Pretty Little Liars. Each episode is hilariously pointless, but I still feel a touch of fondness mixed with disdain.
Pam: *points to Emily’s graduation photo* Did you get that at a costume shop?
On second thought, I’ll overlook all the plot holes in this storyline if only to validate that legendary zinger. LOLOLOLOL~
I WANT SOME DRAMA. I don’t understand why Pam isn’t more furious? Bitch, you should be FUMING! You paid FOUR YEARS of tuition money just for a crappy photo of Emily playing dress-up in Shana’s costume shop! C’mon, your lying daughter deserves A SLAP!
Aww, what a sweet bonding moment between mother and daughter! No more lies! We can go through it together! After this poignant ~*character building*~ experience, I’m sure Emily will definitely tell her mom everything happening in her life from now on… EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE SHE’S PUTTING HER OVARIES ON SALE!!!
Emily: I want an answer! Why are you here!? If Charlotte was as horrible as you told the judge she was, why did you go to her funeral? Did you lie in court? Was it all an act so you could walk out like a victim?
During these past few years, it seems like Sara has served time either at prison or in some alien containment facility, but the judge reduced her sentence due to her Stockholm Syndrome (or “Swedish Syndrome” as Hanna would say) and also because she betrayed Charlotte in court. Long story short: UGH NOBODY CARES ABOUT SARA HARVEY’S BACKSTORY. JUST GO AWAY.
When I first saw this happening, my initial reaction was BWHAHAHAHA. SARA HARVEY IS SUCH A STUPID CLUMSY BITCH. The funniest part is after she finished zapping her right hand, this genius decided to put her left hand on the frying pan too! My only regret is that I wish Sara placed her entire head on the electrical fryer, that would’ve capped off the perfect scene.
Not that it stopped Sara from misconstruing the events and blaming the pretty little liars for causing her injury. Um no, that’s not what happened? Before Emily punched her, SARA HARVEY WAS GONNA BLOW UP THE PLACE. Were the others supposed to stand idly by and do nothing? The bottom line is that Sara would still have full function over her hands if only she wasn’t such an evil bitch. Sorry gurl, but that’s on you.
Emily: Guilty!? I’ve nothing to feel guilty about!
Sara: Should I take my gloves off???
OMFG STFU SARA HARVEY!!! Ugh, why is this bitch acting so smug when she’s basically in the wrong about EVERYTHING!? I give Emily full permission to do us all a favour and punch Sara in the fucking face again. Bitch, you deserved it!!!
Move over, Shakespeare. Ezra is better than you.
Liam: Is that a stuffed pig behind you?
Aria: Yeah, that’s Pigtunia.
Liam: Wait, is there a picture of Justin Timberlake on one of those walls?
No way, I can’t see Aria as a JT fangirl during her heydays. Not her style. Going by her choices in men, she’d probably be into someone like…Nick Lachey. Actually, knowing Aria, she’ll say that she’s into Nick Lachey but then goes and cheats on him with Nick Carter in her teenage boy band fantasies. *lol*
Despite his inherent uselessness, I still really like Liam! It’s just too bad that the only outcome to his character’s fate is for Aria to rip his heart out, stomp on it, spit a few times, turn around and make out with Ezra, before turning back to deliver one final blow to his remains. I keep telling myself not to get attached to this filler character, because the more I like Liam, the more brutal his exit will feel.
The shirtless scene made me uncomfortable because it just felt so forced and unnatural. Pretty Little Liars is akin to the lecherous old pervert telling Liam’s virginal character that the only way to get the fans to like you is to take off your shirt. He reminds me of a *webcam girl* undressing in front of the cameras against his will, and he’s only doing this because his nude photos will be leaked to the internet unless he does what the cameraman says.
Aria: I miss you too.
Emily & Hanna: *exchange a knowing look*
The funniest moment is when Liam and Aria were saying goodbye to each other with their cutesy “I miss you”, and then we see Hanna and Emily turn to each other to exchange A LOOK in the background. Hey Aria, I think you’re being judged. *lol* You gotta admit, this two-timing ho has some cheek telling Liam she missed him when she was just caught sneaking around with Ezra. The worst part is that poor Liam doesn’t know he’s actually considered *the other woman* even though he’s the one in a *legitimate relationship* with Aria.
Aria and Ezra are spending all this alone time together because of their book. Ah yes, the fabled Ezria book. Where do we begin with this literary masterpiece? Shall I read the first passage? CHAPTER ONE: Once upon a time, there was a horny high school teacher who banged his teenage student in a bar…
Even though Ezra outright admits that his own writing is SHITE, Aria throws heaps of effervescent praise upon the bestest writer in this lifetime… no, in this decade… no, in the history of this world! Honestly, Ezra could drop trou and take a steaming load on a sheet of paper, and it wouldn’t matter because Aria still gobbles up the imaginary words like gold. That’s how smitten she is with his crappy ass writing.
Oh my fucking godddddd. Aria is so far up Ezra’s ass that you need a construction forklift to yank her out of her sacred temple. The funniest part is how she acts like she’s such an impartial critic. Forget who I work for! Forget what anyone else says! Yes, because Aria is known for being a beacon of neutrality. Every time Aria compliments Ezra’s book to high heavens, she might as well have the words *BIASED BITCH* tattooed on her forehead.
Ezra: Maybe I’m not?
Okay, are we still talking about Ezra’s writing? Also, are we even talking about the same person? Those are not the first three words in my vocabulary that I would use to describe him. Let me use Ezra’s own words for a more accurate depiction of his character: “Look, it’s crap. It’s crap.”
Emily: …is he writing about you?
What’s wrong with you, Emily Fields!? How can you not appreciate such literary perfection from the greatest writer known to humanity? The words! The man! The sheer artistry! Oh my god, I just experienced an orgasmic rupture after letting those beautiful, poignant passages sink into my soul! Centuries from now, society will still admire and analyze this timeless masterpiece for both education and recreation. Ezra Fitzgerald’s writing truly contains the key to life!!!
Emily: Well, I’m just saying the description…
Aria: She was small. Like me. Big deal. Ezra likes small women. GET A GRIP.
Wow, Aria sucks at lit crit. It’s like she can’t accept the fact that another reader might have a second interpretation over the writing and immediately shoots down Emily’s point of view. Are we talking about the same book? Because the story can only be interpreted in one way! How can anyone have such a wrong opinion? Do you even know how to read, Emily!? GET A GRIP.
Emily: Aria, you guys went through a lot together!
Aria: That was high school!
Emily: Not for him!
LMAO DEAD. I love how Aria’s friends normally pretend they’re so supportive of this teacher-student romance, but when push comes to shove, their true feelings about Ezria always come tumbling out of the closet. Emily proceeds to take another hilariously underhanded swipe at Ezra (“We’re reading an unfinished book from someone who may have killed…” ) before Aria put a finger in both her ears and shouted LALALALALA~ THINK HAPPY EZRIA THOUGHTS~ in order to end this argument.
Liam: Jillian said if she doesn’t have something from Fitz tomorrow, she’s moving on. She left me this long message about how he was a fraud and two months away from teaching creative writing on a cruise ship.
LMAO. That was a pretty sick burn. Can we please cut out a few of the Ezria scenes in this episode and hear the full uncensored version of Jillian’s glorious rant instead?
Aria: So, um, I looked at that thumb drive that I took from your place…
Ezra: It’s just research.
Aria: Ezra, there’re some horrifying images! Is there anything on there other than research?
First of all, I love how they’re calling it “research”. Researching what? How to identify if a corpse is decaying or not? Second of all, WHAT COULD BE ON THERE THAT IS WORSE THAN EZRA’S CREEPY NECROPHILIC PORN COLLECTION!? Oh wait, do I even wanna know the answer?
Ezra has a LOLPSYCHO meltdown.
Ashley: Please, this is awkward…
Ezra: Look, Ashley, nobody broke a chair!
Ashley: It was an *incident*.
If only we got to the full uncensored version of Ezra’s rager because it sounds absolutely amazing. Ugh, who keeps removing all this interesting footage from the show? Was it you, Hanna!?
Oh no, even Aria thinks her beloved Ezra must have done the deed! The angry little goblin was so livid that she barged into his apartment and MADE. DAT. FACE. *omfg* I will definitely see that angry angelfish face in my nightmares tonight. *shivers*
Ezra: What the hell are you talking about?
Aria: CHARLOTTE. For God’s sake, don’t make me say it, Ezra! Look, I know why you did what you did! And I will do whatever it takes to help you! I swear, if you want me to lie for you, I will! I know you did this to protect me!!!
WOW. And just like that, Aria’s moral conscience goes out the window! I can’t say I’m surprised, but I’m still kinda shocked she’d go this far to cover up for her evil killer boyfriend. In her twisted mind, Aria must think it’s super romantic for the two of them to commit a crime together. Don’t worry, my love! I will be the Bonnie to your Clyde! I will be the Amanda Knox to your Raffaele Sollecito! I will be the Harley Quinn to your Joker!
Poor Ezra thought it was just gonna be a quiet Friday evening as he downloads the latest videos from SexyCorpses.com, so imagine his surprise when he’s thrown into a confrontation with three raging aggro bitches at his doorstep. Oh, dat motherfucker won’t know what hit him, chuckle chuckle chuckle. I waited six years for this day to finally happen, but I’m so glad the Anti-Ezra Brigade has finally assembled. TEAR HIM A NEW ONE, LADIES!!!
Hanna: You didn’t protect Aria! I protected Aria! And we’re not gonna go down for this because you thought you would slay the dragon! My mom may go down for this too! He needs to own up to what he did!!!
How is any of this Ezra’s fault? Hanna, you kinda sabotaged yourself? As you may know, I rarely take Ezra’s side in any argument because he’s always ethically wrong by default, but this witch hunt is so fucking ridiculous that I can’t even root against him properly!
Ezra: …okay, I think it’s time for you to leave now.
Oh my god, what’s the deal with Spencer and why is she flogging that criminology essay like it’s the step-by-step instruction manual for Charlotte’s murder!? GURL IT’S JUST AN ESSAY. GET A GRIP. According to her logic, we’ll need to bring in Ezra for further police questioning, along with her university professor, the teaching assistant, her classmates, the lawyers involved in the case, and the original culprit who committed the crime. Whoops, I just accidentally glimpsed at the essay, so now I’m a suspect too!
Ezra: It’s time to go… NAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH MY GAWD. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!? *jaw drops* Basically, Ezra had an epic meltdown and exploded all over the pretty little liars. He bellowed GTFO so loudly that I think the sheer resonance of his voice may have created landslides, tsunamis and earthquakes in various parts around the world. Like wtf, volume control please! Learn to use your quiet indoor voice like a civilized human being instead of your repressed psycho shouty voice!
Aria: I don’t know. You’re not the same person I said goodbye in front of The Brew that summer.
Ezra: You’re right, and I’m not going to pretend I’m sorry that the person who made your life a living hell, who tormented you for five years later, I’m not gonna say I’m sorry they’re dead because I AM NOT.
I’ll take “Things That A Psycho Would Say” for $500, Alex! Look, I actually agree with Ezra’s opinion about Charlotte, but it’s hard to side with a guy who just had a very public mental breakdown literally ten seconds ago. His voice is still ringing in my eardrums right now. Let me just offer three pieces of advice for the mentally disturbed Ezra Fitz: 1.) get therapy, 2.) get anger management classes, and 3.) get the fuck away from me!!!
Lucas is richer and nerdier than ever.
These past five years have been a roaring success for Mr. Gottesman, who built a gaming empire in Silicon Valley and made millions of dollars from monetizing off video game nerds like himself. It’s no surprise that Lucas emerged from the time skip totally winning in life. He fulfilled one of the most well-known prophecies from folklore: don’t hate on the high school nerd, because they will end up as your boss in the future.
I gotta point out the obvious, but did anyone notice that Hanna is actually giving Lucas the time of day *after* she found out how wealthy he is? Back in high school, their interactions consisted of Lucas babbling in her ear while Hanna looked mildly disinterested as she filed her nails or something. Nowadays, she’s his most captivated audience with her smile growing wider every time he tells her about his rich and luxurious lifestyle. I wonder if Hanna could even see anything with all those $$$ dollar signs $$$ flashing in her eyes.
Hanna: Do you still live with your folks?
Lucas can boast about his fancy cars and his property investments all he wants, but in Hanna’s eyes, he’ll always be that awkward dweeb with the action figures who sleeps in a bunk bed at his parents’ house. *lol*
Hanna: Do you live here alone?
Lucas: And a hamster! But I’m out of town all the time, so he…
Newsflash, she’s asking about your love life, not your dead hamster. Doesn’t it make you laugh when the beautiful girl asks the self-made millionaire, “I know you’re rich, but are you still a virgin?” After crying a little on the inside, Lucas is forced to admit that yes he lives alone, yes he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and yes he sleeps with a blow-up doll in this big lonely apartment. Good job, Hanna, for reducing Lucas back to zero again.
Hanna: I was thinking maybe you could say that you came up to my room and you brought me take-out and we talked until the sun came up.
I think she may have inadvertently described one of his sexual fantasies? Hey stud, wanna come up to my hotel room and [finger quote] “talk” [/finger] all night? Lucas is in heaven listening to Hanna describe this roleplaying scenario. Can you say it again in a sultry voice? Also, can you describe what you were wearing that night, particularly your undergarments? I’m only asking because we need to make sure our alibis match!
Since this fake alibi is probably the most action that Lucas ever got in his lifetime, it’s no surprise that he’d agree to lie for Hanna. Besides, he’s benefiting from this arrangement too. He’ll be sure to share this story with his tech friends for years to come, about how he spent an imaginary evening with this imaginary girl having these imaginary conversations all night long. They will be soooo jealous of him!
Who wants to buy Emily’s eggs?
Hanna is so stressed out that she’s even eating (drinking?) some frozen orange juice concentrate straight from the can. “Uhh…do you wanna mix that with water?” Aria asks her friend as she watches in horror. Later, Hanna throws away the unfinished can in Aria’s bedroom, but gets scolded for littering, so she literally picks it up from the garbage bin and shoves another spoonful into her mouth. *lololololol gross*
I thought she was trying to keep these needle injections a secret, so you gotta wonder why the bitch didn’t shut the bathroom door when she was doing her thang? If you want privacy, close the damn door! But I guess if you got a pair of sexy legs like Emily’s, you’re accustomed to flaunting them as much as possible. God didn’t give you those thighs just to cover them up behind closed doors!
Hanna: Emily, I saw you in the bathroom.
Okay, that was definitely not the best choice of phrase. Not unless you wanna admit that you’re a peeping john who spies on your friends while urinating. At least Hanna had the decency to wait until her friend left the bathroom before confronting her. Imagine if she barged right in there on the spot and scream out *I SEE YOU* while Emily had her pants down on the crapper!
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, IS THIS THE DUMBEST SECRET EVERRRR? All along, we thought the bitch was terminally ill and dying of cancer, but it turns out she was only putting her vagina up for sale. Why is this even a secret!? If you wanna sell your scrambled eggs for cash so badly, then just come out and say it already! I almost wished Emily had cancer instead, because at least her secret wouldn’t have been so stupid!
Emily: No, it’s okay, I want to. For the first time in forever, I actually feel good about a choice I’ve made. I’m going to help two people start a family!
Emily pretends like she’s doing this charitable deed out of the goodness of her heart, but you know she’s doing it mostly for the moolah. *lol* Look, Emily can do whatever she wants, it’s her body, her choice. If she believes her life ambition is to turn her vagina into a henhouse and harvest dem eggs through her ovary chutes, then more power to her. You go gurl!
Unfortunately, PLL decided to make this an ongoing plot that eventually turns into some bizarre conspiracy thriller featuring Emily’s eggs. *lolwtf* I hope you guys are ready for this journey, because there will be many bad egg jokes and eggscellent puns in my recaps for the rest of this season.
I’ll be your sugar daddy, Hanna!
Lorenzo: Why were you so eager to drop off food in the middle of the night?
Lucas: Hanna called. And I was happy to hear her voice. Annnnd she sounded a little tipsy, so I thought maybe we could have a little bit of fun.
At one point, Lucas went off script and blurted out his real intentions with Hanna like a gigantic creep. You’d think he might be a little more careful about sounding like a future rapist when talking to the police. Are we sure Lucas is not on the sexual offenders list? Can you double check please, Lorenzo?
Ah yes, we had such lively discussions about world politics that it kept us engaged through the night! Bitch please, nobody stays up that late at a hotel just to chit-chat. If you’re gonna lie, at least make it sound believable and admit to having an affair. I guess Hanna can’t get it past herself and say that she slept with Lucas because ew, gross, she has standards. It goes to show you that even in a totally fabricated lie, the poor guy still can’t get any action!
When Hanna wore this back at Aria’s house, I didn’t say anything because I thought she was in the middle of getting changed. But no, it turns out the bitch actually believes she can wear this outfit for any public occasion. Only in the bizarre world of PLL fashion would this kimono night robe be considered as casual street clothing. Let this be a rule of thumb: if it looks like you wore the clothes when you go to bed, then you probably shouldn’t wear the same thing when you go outside!
The best part is that she doesn’t have to pay rent, she doesn’t have to sign a contract, she doesn’t even have to do chores like some live-in housekeeper. Hanna literally got an entire apartment free of charge for no reason other than the fact that Lucas got the hots for her!
But of course, there’s a catch. If I were to move in, the first thing I’d check is for any hidden cameras behind the mirrors because gurrrrl there’re no free lunches in this world. Even though Lucas claims he’ll go away on business trips, we all know the only business he’ll be doing is to watch the bathroom surveillance footage every single day and night.
Hanna: *snatches keys* DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON YOUR WAY OUT, OKAY BYEEEE.
Hanna didn’t even do that fake modesty thing and pretended to decline such a generous gift that she did nothing to deserve. She didn’t thank Lucas either. Bitch just snatched the apartment keys from his hands going like DON’T MIND IF I DO~ *lol*
And Lucas, oh my god! Where’s your dignity!? Most guys wouldn’t do any of this for their girlfriends on an anniversary, yet here he is slaving away for some chick who won’t even give him a handjob in return. How much more does Lucas have to do before Hanna finally repays his affections? Oh wait, the answer is never, it will never ever happen. *lol so sad*
RAW, NASTY, STEAMING HOT SPALEB SEX!!!
The one noteworthy detail about this filler plot is how the journalist riled up Melissa so much and sent her into a batshit crazy downward spiral. As we know, you can drop a pin on the floor and that nutty bitch will set off like a fire alarm, but it’s still funny watching her get into a frenzy over *DA LEAKED TAPE ZOMG*. There’re so many incriminating videos in existence that it’s hard to tell which sex tape is which. Melissa is worried about the tape where she confessed to killing Alisonbethany, which… maybe you shoulda considered that before recording yourself on a camera? *lol dumb*
Melissa: *raises eyebrow* When did that happen?
Spencer: What? Caleb? We’re friends.
Melissa: Really? ‘Cause I know how you like to shop out of other people’s carts.
Everyone, get on your knees and repeat after me: I BOW BEFORE THEE, THE QUEEN OF SHADE. WE ARE NOT WORTHY OF YOUR LEGENDARY WIT. Seriously, is this the wittiest insult in the history of Pretty Little Liars? Melissa delivered that line with pitch-perfect bitchiness, majestic condescension, and a healthy dose of shade. She absolutely slayed it! I love you, queen!
Spencer: So, um, is it weird now for you to see Caleb?
Hanna: No! I’m getting married, Spencer! God, why does everyone keep asking me about Caleb!?
Because it’s so obvious you’re not over him and will make a big stink once Spencer poaches your man? Hanna’s problem is that she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Not only that, this greedy bitch wanna have TWO cakes and won’t let anybody else take a slice.
Spencer: *duh face*
Hanna: When you guys met up in Spain, did you…
Spencer: No, no! I would never do that to you! I’d…no.
I gotta give Spencer her props. She handled this very delicate situation with as much dignity as possible, demonstrating a lot of tact, maturity, and consideration towards her friend. She kept circling around Caleb outside the perimeters of the yellow caution tape, never once intruding until she got Hanna’s permission. Spencer honestly deserves an award for fair play, because she could’ve easily bedded Caleb a long time ago, but didn’t make a move because she had too much respect for her friend. *pounds chest* I SALUTE YOU, SISTAH.
Hanna: Well, then… I think that you should find out.
OMG OMG OMG. THERE IT IS. SHE ISSUED THE A-OK. Hello, Spaleb HQ? Prepare for takeoff! I’m gonna get Hanna’s words printed out and laminated on a billboard, because the world needs to be informed that *she* was the one who gave the all-clear to her friend to proceed with this relationship. Spencer passed the border patrol, the immigration inspections, the homeland security, the metal detectors, and the grand jury of twelve. She passed everything, so Spaleb is officially good to go!
In addition, there’s a very vocal majority of the PLL fanbase that hates, ABSOLUTELY HATES (sorry, but I need to emphasize the hatred in capital letters) SPALEB. Of course the more the collective universe hated this couple, the more Recap Everything actually loved the two of them together. *lol* All the bitter vitriol and online abuse aimed towards Spaleb only makes their romance even more effin’ epic.
Spencer: Thank you for not judging me.
Caleb: I just wish you hadn’t judged yourself.
Spencer: There’s…um, there’s something else that I’ve been judging myself for…
SHE LOOKS INTO HIS EYES. AND HE LOOKS BACK. SHE INCHES CLOSER TO HIM. HE MOVES HIS HAND TOWARDS HERS. THEY TOUCH. CARESS EACH OTHER. SLOWLY. SENSUALLY. SEXUALLY. I AM TALKING LIKE THIS BECAUSE I AM PANTING AND OUT OF BREATH FROM THE UNBEARABLE SEXUAL TENSION. OMG IT’S COMING!!! OMG I’M COMING!!! OMG SPALEB IS COMING!!!
What we got with Spaleb was the exact opposite. The moment when the two of them kissed, it was almost shot like something out of a horror movie!? *lol* There was a slow, eerie version of “Ring of Fire” playing in the background, which really set the dark, unsettling tone in this scene. As you watch Spencer and Caleb’s bodies intertwine, you get the sinking feeling that something bad is happening… And it’s only gonna get worse… As if evil conquered over good. The entire sequence was kinda sexy, kinda brooding, and just kinda frigging hilarious.
1.) Their sex scene is as close to *softcore porn* as Pretty Little Liars is gonna get. Caleb was grinding his body on top of Spencer while her legs waved in the air orgasmically. I mean, just look at these two barbaric animals devouring each other. Thank god the background music was so loud or we might have heard them roaring in ecstasy or something.
2.) If I have to use one word to summarize the Spaleb sex, it’d be…satanic? *lol* This scene feels like something we’d see in hell… HALEB HELL THAT IS.