Dear Heavenly Father, let us pray for Aria’s compulsory lyin’ cheatin’ ass, Hanna’s inexcusable stupidity, Emily’s terminal cancer, and Spencer’s baseless murder accusations. Amen.
Yup, this compulsive lying bitch is at it again! You shan’t be surprised to see Aria lie about everything to everybody, including her friends, her boss, her boyfriend, her other boyfriend, and the police too. After her failed whistleblowing attempt against Alison last episode, it seems like she has given up on being honest and is instead trying to break a world record for telling the MOST UNNECESSARY LIES told in the least believable manner possible. I’ll never understand why Aria insists on lying when she’s so bad at telling dem lies. *lol*
Aria lies and lies and lies and lies…
Aria: Yeah, I’ve already missed a few days of work.
Hanna: We all have, Aria. We’re staying.
Let’s be honest, Aria is the only one concerned about missing work because she’s the only one actually employed in a *real* job. Unlike Hanna and her ambiguous career in the fashion industry doing god knows what exactly. As far as I’m concerned, Hanna’s fashion assistant job and Spencer’s political lobbyist job are almost as nonexistent as Emily’s bartending job in The Salk Institute. In other words, all three bitches are essentially unemployed.
Hanna: I didn’t want to say anything in front of the others, but I know that you left the hotel the night Charlotte was killed. *slams hand on piano keys* WHERE. DID. YOU. GO.
Duh, she left in the middle of the night to hunt down Charlotte! Obviously. Why’re you still asking questions, Hanna!? Just call the cops already if you’re sooooo certain your friend is the killer! How many more innocent people must die before that coldblooded murderer Aria Montgomery is finally brought to justice!?!?
Besides, Aria has a bit of a track record in the past. Even after all these years later, this poor girl can’t seem to shake off the stigma that killing Shana was done in “self-defence”. You knock out one crazy bitch in a black hoodie just that once, and suddenly your friends seem to think you’re capable of going on a killing spree like you’re the next Dexter Morgan. Maybe it’s best if Hanna doesn’t ask any more questions, or else Aria might have no choice but to unleash her dark murderous impulses onto her NEXT victim.
Attorney: I got up around 3AM and I saw you leave.
Defendant: I HAD TO CHECK MY MESSAGES AND UM… THEN MY PHONE DIED SO I HAD TO GRAB THE UH… CHARGER FROM MY CAR! I CAME BACK RIGHT AFTERWARDS! O_O
Attorney: You were gone longer than that. I tried to wait up.
Defendant: U REMEMBER WRONG. U WERE SO DRUNK!!! U THREW UP IN A BATHTUB! O_O
Attorney: That was Emily, not me. All I’m saying is if you did go somewhere, we should know.
Defendant: WELL I DIDN’T SO THERE’S NUTHIN TO TELL. NOW BACK OFF, BIATCH. O_O
Aria: We didn’t see each other the night that Charlotte was killed! You didn’t call me, I didn’t leave the hotel, we didn’t walk or talk or go anywhere. Understood!?
This bitch is so wrapped up in her intricate web of lies that she forced Ezra to pretend they didn’t have a sordid romantic rendezvous. One must wonder why Aria is covering up their one-night stand. Is it out of fear from getting accused by the police? Is it out of shame for cheating on her boyfriend? Or is it out of some compulsive need to LIE LIE LIE just because Aria gets off on having secret underground romances?
To nobody’s surprise, Aria also has a SEKRIT OFFICE ROMANCE with her co-worker Liam, even though they might be the least discrete couple ever. Here’s a thought, if you don’t wanna expose your relationship at work, maybe try not to engage in PDA right there in the middle of the office??? At least have the decency to crawl underneath a desk or something before the two of you kiss!
Liam also wins at having the most perfectly apt ship name ever: LIARIA. *lmaoooo* His character’s existence has been completely validated now that he provided us with such a glorious nickname for Aria, describing her to a tee. There cannot be a more perfect couple portmanteau in the world unless Ezra literally starts having a three-way relationship with Pedo and Phil.
Jillian: You told me you had a relationship with this person!!!
Aria: E-Ezra Fitz was my high school English teacher…
lol awks~ I’m guessing Aria lied and didn’t disclose the part of their relationship where Miss Montgomery used to ride Mr. Fitz cowgirl style?
Aria: Jillian, I know this author! I can get through to him better than anyone else!!!
When Aria says that she can “get through to him”, we all know it means she’s gonna BONE him. This heffa seems to think that she can seduce Ezra as usual and use her sexual prowess to stimulate his creative juices, but I’m not so sure it’s gonna work. Unfortunately, Aria is getting on in her years and she’s no longer that young, fresh, virginal teenager with the massive jailbait appeal. Honey, you’re in your twenties now and you might be too old for Ezra’s type. Maybe he isn’t taking you seriously because you’re actually not his student anymore.
STOP UR BLATANT LIES, LIARIA!!! This bitch is so desperate to keep her publishing job that she’s shamelessly stroking Ezra’s ego and telling bold-faced lies about his writing abilities. yessss ur such a g8 writer, yessss u made me feel things, yessss gimme ur second book! I know I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but I highly doubt Ostinato has any literary merit beyond being a piece of trashy erotic fanfiction at best. PLL needs to stop pretending Ezra is Shakespeare when we all know he is actually Stephenie Meyer.
What kind of GRUESOME INTERNET FILTH is Ezra viewing and why is this SCUMBAG saving them on his computer!?!?!? Holy shit, I would not click on those Nicole ???.jpg or femicide rising.jpg images if I were you, Aria! Some lemonparties can never be unseen!
Of course, Nicole won’t return until PLL finishes milking every last ounce of trauma & angst from this storyline for all it’s worth. But rest assured that she’s just waiting in the wings, biding her time, and waiting for the perfect opportunity to homewreck Ezria right after they get back together. RIP actually stands for Resurrection In Progress, so see you in a few episodes gurl.
As soon as Ezra and Aria share their first reunion kiss, Nicole comes bursting through those doors and exclaims “NOT SO FAST!!!” Aria’s eyes flare in jealous rage and challenges her rival to a gladiator duel to the death. Both die from severe injuries and Ezra is left as a widow in mourning.
Nicole’s body is washed up to the shores of a tropical beach, where the island inhabitants nurse her back to health and take her in as one of their own. Nicole spends the past three years weaving baskets in a small peaceful seaside village until she’s finally rescued, but she suffers from terminal amnesia and has no recollections of who Ezra is.
The new A abducts the pretty little liars in another dollhouse torture chamber, where Nicole shows up in a blonde wig and a yellow dress. After her rescue, Nicole develops Sara Harvey Syndrome and starts working for A’s team in order to torture those liars.
Wouldn’t it be a shocking twist if Nicole wasn’t kidnapped at all? She’s actually a fugitive on the run after going on a killing spree and murdering her humanitarian friends. She returns to finish off her last victim: EZRA!!!
Does Emily have CANCER!?!?
In fact, I’m not sure why Emily is still taking needle injections at the clinic when her time is better spent speaking to an attorney and drafting up a final will. You don’t have much time left on this earth, sweet angel!
I guess Emily’s mysterious illness must be so terminal that she ain’t bothered to pay off her credit card bills. Who cares about debts if I’m gonna be dead in a couple of weeks, hehehe!
As soon as Sabrina’s character shared a random one-on-one scene with Emily, it should be totes obvious that she’s the new lesbian love interest in Season 6B. Like duh. How many of you would pay for a stranger’s parking ticket unless you had an ulterior motive? If it were up to me, I’d be on the phone calling a tow truck to drag Emily’s car away from my precious parking spot. Don’t drive if you can’t afford it, bitch.
BTW, don’t be surprised if Emily later goes on a slut binge and starts dating a streak of bottle blondes named Samantha and Sheila and Sophia and Sasha and Serena and Susanna. How will she even keep track of all their names? “Thanks for the one-night stand, Sandra! …erm, I mean…Sabrina. ”
Emily: Ezra says you manage the place now?
Sabrina: He put me in charge when he and Nicole went to Colombia. Hell of a way to be promoted!
Oh wow… Who would’ve thought Sabrina had the MOST2GAIN from Nicole’s disappearance? It’s shady as fuq that she got promoted *after* her manager’s girlfriend dropped off the face of the earth. If I was a detective, this is considered a motive and I’d be looking into Sabrina’s connections with the Colombian mafia. We know what you’re up to, Sara Harvey 2.0!
Sabrina: I’m not quite sure who I would tell…
Don’t you dare leak this classified information to anyone, Edward Snowden!!! *shakes fists* Okay, why does Emily think her whereabouts would be relevant info to anybody? Unless she’s some kind of celebrity who cannot be seen checking out of rehab, NO1CURR if you were seen outside the clinic or the postal office or the supermarket. Poor Sabrina looked genuinely confused by the request, as if she was gonna greet every customer with the least interesting piece of gossip ever: “Welcome to The Brew! Did you know Emily got her shots today!? Just thought you should know!”
Sabrina: Emily, I had cancer several years ago. I didn’t want people to know. I didn’t want them to think of me as the sick girl with cancer. But I learned the hard way that you need support when you’re going through something like that. I don’t know what I would do without my family, my friends… I don’t wanna make assumptions about what you’re going through, but…
Emily looked uncomfortable as hell because shit just got too real too fast. Up until now, her only interaction with Sabrina was that they saw each other outside the clinic once, and all of a sudden, this bitch drops the CANCER BOMB on her. Apparently, Sabrina’s cancer support group includes not only her friends & family, but also random strangers that she literally just met off the street. Nice to meet you, I have cancer!
Sara Harvey’s 90-degree head turn
Jordan is soooo boring that I can’t even be bothered to write about his scenes. Just imagine him saying a dozen lines of meaningless dialogue in a thick Australian accent, ok we’re done. Instead, let’s focus on this candle, that lamp, and the strangely sexy uniformed bellboy fuelling my kinky hotel fantasies. Hellooooo nurse, pop your champagne cork into my mouf plz.
Ugh u guiseeee, my fangirl feeeeels. Catastrophic 6B finale spoilers notwithstanding, I just remembered how much I was rooting for Spencer and Caleb to get together earlier this season. Look at his hand on her arm! Look at that meaningful gaze exchanged between those two lovelorn sluts! Stop it, I can’t handle all these gushing emoshions in my heart!
Spencer: I’m really afraid my mom will lose this election because of me.
Caleb: Don’t say that! I’ll hack into the voting machines and make sure that she wins.
Caleb: I’m kidding. Look, they have 400 retweets, I’ll get 4000 good ones by tomorrow morning.
Did this shitty little article seriously get 400 retweets? I imagine they all came from overzealous Haleb fans, who think they can stop the dreaded love triangle from happing if they put Spencer behind bars. *lol*
Spencer: IF THIS GETS OUT, IT’S GOING TO RUIN YOUR CAMPAIGN!!!
Veronica: We’ll get ahead of this. Caleb already started a narrative about you being bullied on social media. If it comes up, it’ll already be defused. You’re not a liability, Spencer. You’re my daughter.
I love how Veronica uses the fancy euphemism “starting a narrative” when the reality is just Caleb using a bunch of bots to post fake tweets about Spencer. *lol*
Lorenzo: Her burns severely limited her ability to use her hands. She couldn’t have done this.
Alison: You’re taking Sara off the suspect’s list!? I don’t understand!
I DON’T UNDERSTAND EITHER. WTF JUST ARREST HER ALREADY. We all know this bitch is faking her “hand injury” which will be revealed in a “shock twist” when she’s caught either strangling or diddling Emily in a future episode. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sara Harvey grew an extra pair of arms like most of the extraterrestrial mutants in her native species. Reptile insectoids have FOUR arms, not two!
Before the time skip, Lorenzo showed up at Alison’s high school prom (lolcreep) because Spencer convinced him to open his heart! and give Lorison a second chance at love! But then, their storyline went nowhere? In this scene, the two of them are keeping it strictly professional and acting as if they never had a sordid love affair together. Um, why did they waste so much time on their grossmance in 6A if they don’t even end up together in 6B? Also, why did Lorenzo only hook up with Alison when she was still in her teens, but now has no romantic interest in her after she matured into a legally adult woman? Oh wait, rhetorical question. *massive sideeye*
Sara also does the exact same creepy head turn every fucking time. You know the one, it’s that 90-degree mechanical head turn to the side accompanied by a vacant look in her dead eyes. Bitch thinks she’s shooting a centrefold and must strike an over-the-shoulder pose each time. In fact, Sara turns her head around so much that I worry about her neck straining sometimes!
Emily: SORRY DAD. SORRY FOR FAILING SCHOOL. SORRY FOR FAILING IN LIFE. SOB SOB SOBBBBBB.
Sara: oh i c uuuuuu
Here’s poor Emily pouring her heart out by her daddy’s gravestone and there’s effing Sara standing literally three feet away with her head turned sideways at a perpendicular angle. One of these days, I expect to see Sara finally do a full freaky 180-degree head turn before that damn thing falls off her neck.
LOL how wrong was I? Sadly, this scene might be the last time Emily has any semblance of a sane subplot on the show before her storyline veers off to cuckoo land for the rest of the season. See that gravestone over there? The epigraph actually says RIP Emily’s 6B storyline and I mourn it every single day. I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised by PLL’s standard of quality as of late, but sometimes I still get my hopes up only to be let down again and again. *sighs*
Alison’s awkward murder mystery dinner party
Alison: Aria left town quickly.
Spencer: She had to go back to work…
Alison: She was still angry with Charlotte.
Spencer: She wasn’t angry. She was scared. And she said everything she needed to say up on that stand.
Look at Alison blatantly trying to start shit and manipulate her friends into throwing Aria under the bus, omglol. Her intent was so obvious. Just agree with me, Spencer! Just take the bait and say that you think Aria killed my sister!
1.) Okay, why doesn’t Alison just come out and outright say *I THINK ARIA KILLED MAH SISTA* instead of going around in circles with her less than subtle shade? If you’re gonna call out a bitch, you gotta own it sis.
2.) Please keep in mind that Alison’s accusations are completely baseless. At least Hanna had circumstantial proof that vaguely implicated her friend. Alison is only pinning this murder on Aria because she wants to get back at her minion for what she said in court last episode. Payback’s a bitch, bitch! This is a hilariously petty bitch move which is totally in line with Alison’s character, so of course I’m ~LOVING~ every moment of it. *lol*
Aria: OH SHIT. DECLINE DECLINE DECLINE.
Aria isn’t doing herself any favours by cutting off communication with Alison and declining all of her phone calls. She didn’t even bother to send a *sorry for your loss* e-card after her friend’s sister died, which was kinda rude. Naturally, this radio silence only sends Alison into a further tailspin, because if there’s one thing a self-centered narcissist hates more than anything in this world, it’s the feeling of being ignored. Let’s see you block more of my phone calls after I go to the police and accuse you of murdering Charlotte! Do I have your attention now, Aria!?
Before the dinner party started, it was already awkward as hell when Ali freaked the fuck out because Spencer dared to move the flower vase away from the dining table. WUTDAFUQ ARE YOU DOING!!! THOSE WERE CHARLOTTE’S FLOWERS!!! PUT THEM BACK OR DIE!!! From the way she was overreacting, you’d think Spencer was mishandling her sister’s ashes or something, but no they were just shitty flowers. Afterwards, the three liars all exchanged a look with each other, acknowledging this is gonna be a lonnnnnng night. *sighs*
Sadly, Hanna’s mannequin fiancé was on his best behaviour and acted like the perfect gentleman. He was friendly, gracious, and even joked around with Caleb like they were old chums down at the country club. “Hanna told me so much about you! Do you wanna grab coffee together some time? Let’s exchange numbers!” Okay, what the fuck is this diplomatic comradery? Where’s the conflict, bro!? MY POPCORN IS GOING COLD.
SIDE THEORY: Has anybody considered that Jordan might actually be an empty human vessel controlled by computer artificial intelligence? Think about it. This would explain why he behaves like such a frigging android all the time. It would also explain why he is completely devoid of emotion and any personality. In fact, can someone check inside him just to make sure Jordan isn’t comprised of mechanical parts? Is he robot or is he human, plz confirm?
Unfortunately, neither Hanna nor Spencer will admit they have feelings for Caleb, even though their thirst is soooo blatantly obvious. Yet, they still pussyfoot around him with their many fleeting glances and forlorn sighs. As if to say: “Oh Caleb, I love you so much, but my predicament is that I can’t tell you how I feel or else Pretty Little Liars won’t have enough manufactured drama to fill up the rest of the season!”
Spencer: We ran into each other in Madrid. It was crazy, it was a total fluke. I was just finishing my year abroad and he was backpacking through Europe. I was about to get on the train to Salamanca and I heard my name. I looked up and he was just standing there on the opposite platform.
Doesn’t their chance encounter sound like something taken from a Hollywood movie? Our heroine arrives at the train station only to see the love of her life standing there on the opposite platform! And this is the part where they cue the background music! Needless to say, I’m a total sucker for this type of serendipitous love story. ZOMG FATE BROUGHT SPALEB TOGETHER U GUISE! THEY MUST BE SOULMATES!!!
Caleb: That was my best night in Europe.
Spencer: Mine too. Hands down.
I think Spencer meant to say “hands down your pants” which would explain why Caleb described it as his best experience in Europe. *teeheehee*
Hanna: *batting eyelashes at Caleb* When you left for Europe, I wanted to focus on my career. I wasn’t looking for another relationship.
LOLWUT @ “focus on my career”. In her head, Hanna thinks she’s some career-driven independent woman who don’t need no man in her life. In reality, she’s still interning at her so-called career after five years of work and mooning over two different guys like a lovesick little girl.
Alison: Thank you Heavenly Father for this healing food and these dear friends. And thank you to all those who are working tirelessly to seek justice for Charlotte. And thank you for helping the police find Charlotte’s killer and anyone who could be protecting him. *DRAMATIC PAUSE* Or her. Amen.
SHOTS FIRED, BITCHES. Alison didn’t just say a prayer, she gave out a fucking mafia boss threat right there. Hey God, thanks for the food and thanks for eternally condemning the sinners who may or may not be seated at this table right now. AMEN.
Don’t delete the surveillance tape, you dummy!
Emily: We know you saw Ezra the night Charlotte died!
Hanna: We know you left the hotel for more than five minutes!
Spencer: Yeah, and by the time you came back, Charlotte was already dead!
LEAVE ARIA ALONE! Seriously, what’s the deal with these three bitches? Is it wrong to say that I don’t quite understand their moral outrage? You’d think they might be more thankful that Aria did them a favour and murdered their common enemy. You’re welcome. Who cares if you find out your friend is the real killer? Personally, I would’ve just congratulated her for a job well done!
In a flashback, we see Aria acting like a drunken floozy as she throws herself at her old boyfriend. Being the predatory sleaze that he is, Ezra has no problems exploiting a drunk girl and invites her to his café so he could have his way with her. We all know he didn’t come to meet Aria in a hotel at 3AM just to *talk*, so let’s find the nearest bed and be done with it.
Ezra: I think that’s Charlotte…
Aria: DO WE CALL SOMEONE!? DO WE CALL THE POLICE!?!?
Aria is literally so frightened of Charlotte that her first instinct is to call the police just because she saw the bitch crossing the street. *lol* Not that I blame Aria for being terrified. It’s extremely alarming that a dangerous criminal can be released in the same vicinity as her victims without any surveillance. The only way Charlotte’s release could be considered safe is if she had a restraining order of a million mile radius keeping her away from the planet earth.
Ezra: Because that’s the kind of world we live in. People like Nicole disappear and Charlotte gets to walk free.
Ezra’s vendetta against Charlotte seemed to come out of nowhere, partly because he’s such a poorly developed character, but mostly because it’s a ham-fisted attempt to make him a suspect in the murder investigation. I’m sorry, but I don’t buy this storyline whatsoever. Are we supposed to believe Ezra suddenly became a social justice vigilante overnight? Did he take a break from crying about his dead girlfriend to bump off a violent criminal? Would he even be able to take on Charlotte in a fight without pissing his pants?
Unfortunately, I don’t think the showrunners are willing to put their beloved Ezra in an antagonistic role. If Pretty Little Liars didn’t have the balls to turn him into an evil villain back in Season 4, they ain’t gonna do it now. Let’s face it, his character has been irrelevant to the plot for the past few seasons and he’ll never be at the helm of an interesting central storyline. He might still be a useless loser and a pathetic pervert, but the days of EVIL EZRA are long gone behind us.
Aria: I know him! I know that Ezra can’t look me in the eye when he lies! When he told me he went home that night, he didn’t look at me!!!
Oh yes, Aria knew Ezra sooooo well that she can tell when he’s lying to her based on a single look. Is that why he only managed to trick her for two years when he used and exploited their relationship to write an exposé about Alison? Also: Ezra must have killed Charlotte because he didn’t glance at Aria during a conversation, somebody please explain that logic to me.
Also, I wonder what the police will think when they notice there’s conspicuously missing footage in the security system. Aria’s absence could have been explained as an unlucky coincidence, but once the police retrieve the back-up footage and see what happened, they’ll surely know that she has something to hide. You got all your bases covered, Hanna! It’s lose-lose for everyone!
If it wasn’t bad enough that she’ll get falsely accused of murder, now she can add tampering with evidence to her list of crimes too. Great job as usual, Hanna! Your beautiful mind never ceases to amaze me! *slow claps*