In this #PLL recap of the finale, please join us in our academic debate over whether Vanessa Ray or Dre Davis is the better actress. We also discuss controversial topics such as DiLaurentis incest and Spencer’s bangs.
Naturally, I hear this and get my hopes up about the season. As I sit through one filler episode after another, I remained cautiously optimistic about the midseason finale. Surely, my patience will pay off and A’s real identity will have a satisfying conclusion! But then, I found out that CECE DRAKE IS A and CHARLES IS CHARLOTTE and SARA HARVEY IS RED COAT and BITCH IS ALSO BLACK WIDOW LOLWUT. Feeling defeated, I slowly look up and shake my fists at the sky. Curse you, Marlene King! Fool me once, fool me twice, but fool me six seasons in a row!? WHY DO I KEEP BELIEVING IN YOUR LIEEEEES!?!?
Dear PLL Showrunners: EFF YOU TOO!
Word on the streetz is that they originally intended Wren to be A, but then major spoilers got leaked on the interwebs so PLL panicked and rewrote the ending several weeks prior. I’m not sure if I believe this conspiracy theory, but just think…if only the butterfly hadn’t flapped its wings, there could be an alternate timeline in a parallel universe where Wren unmasks himself as A and fans are collectively rejoicing over an awesome episode of the best show ever. INSTEAD, WE LIVE IN THE CRUELEST REALITY.
After watching this finale, I ragequit Pretty Little Liars for a couple of months. It was like breaking off a relationship with an ex-boyfriend. I cried for weeks, I tore up photos, I burned away old love letters, I made playlists of Adele’s power ballads, I even went through an Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind phase where I vowed to erase this former love from my memory banks. I was goddamn ready to cut all ties with this show. Yet, here I am again, rewatching the finale and trying to recap the episode like a masochist. Oh PLL, I just can’t seem to quit you no matter how much you disappoint me.
The liars walk into another obvious trap *headdesk*
Instead, these snivelling bitches suddenly had a change of heart, now they’re begging and crying and pleading for A not to kill herself. No, don’t do it! We don’t want our psychotic tormentor to die! Please stay alive and continue torturing us as well as endangering the lives of all our family & friends! ALL IS FORGIVEN! WE LOVE YOU, A!!!
You know who didn’t show up though? Lt. Tanner’s absence stands out like a sore thumb. Oh, I dunno, only the person she has been trying to arrest for the past 3 seasons is finally cornered by the police, and where is she exactly!? Is Lt. Tanner at home enjoying a nice garden salad while the biggest police raid is taking place here? Where are you, woman!?
Since PLL refuses to let us have nice things in life, it was recently revealed in an online deleted scene that Detective Maple was actually one of A’s many accomplices. WTF BARRY WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!!! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS!!! The reveal didn’t happen in the actual episode, so I’m not even sure if it’s considered canon or not. But yup, it turns out he had been working for A all along, he was probably just protecting her in this scene, blah blah blah, you know the drill.
Let’s take a moment to acknowledge that the PLL moms were still trapped inside the basement with no means of escape. It seems like the show has forgotten about their predicament and the characters aren’t seen again for the rest of the episode. Do you hear their muffled screams and their tearful sobs and their desperate cries for help? Nope, neither do I! Since their rescue was never shown on screen, we can safely assume that the moms were trapped until the end of time, with the four of them eventually dying from a mixture of starvation, oxygen depletion & suicide pacts. My deepest condolences to the pretty little liars for their losses.
Alison: WELP! I’M GETTING ABDUCTED!
Spencer: Ali who what where? *too busy slow dancing with mah boyfriend* I only have eyes for you, Toby-woby.
Emily: How long do we have to stay here!? We could be out there looking for her!
Aria: Look, we have to believe that Charles isn’t going to hurt Alison. She’s his sister.
Whatever you say, Aria~ Was it not only last season when she nearly got into a domestic dispute with her little brother because she suspected Mike was hiding Mona’s blood inside a tree or something? If there’s one consistent moral message that PLL has taught us, it’s that your siblings are EVIL and can NEVER be trusted.
Mona: I’ve been following Alison since yesterday morning. I lost her when you guys jumped the cop.
Aria: You knew Clark was a cop?
Mona: Aria, maybe you thought he was always happy to see you, but I could never get past the bulge in his pants.
Oh Aria, you silly muppet, why do you always display such bad judgment? First Andrew, now Clark. As soon as anybody tries to come close and protect her, Aria immediately turns on them and even accuses them of being evil creepy dirtbags. It seems like she can’t trust any man that she comes into contact with, except for Ezra, which is ironic considering her deep-rooted trust issues with men most likely stemmed from him in the first place.
Hanna: I KNEW IT! Rhys is Charles!
Oh please, Hanna! There is absolutely no way that Pretty Little Liars would assign such a pivotal role to some irrelevant filler character that was only introduced to the narrative this season! That’s just stupid! …which is what I would have said until I saw Sara Harvey strutting around in various red jackets and black veils later this episode. Now, I wouldn’t bat an eyelash if Rhys Nobody is revealed as Uber A in the next finale.
Hanna: Wait, you don’t think that’s Ali’s chopped up body in those bags, is it? *sees horrified reactions* Isn’t that what we’re all thinking!?
Everyone else: NO!
I’m starting to worry about Hanna’s morbid obsession with disembodied corpses. Let’s not forget that she also thought Mona’s chopped up body parts were stuffed inside a barrel last season. Maybe Hanna should stop reading those James Patterson mystery novels because bitch’s mind is turning criminally twisted. You may see a regular mail parcel on the outside, but Hanna sees there’s a severed human limb on the inside!
Anyway, the girls are trying to decipher the numeric passcode for one of the locked doors. Mona begins listing out some possible combinations, including Mrs. D’s birthday, her anniversary date, her credit card number, her vehicle registration number & her three measurements. You’d think nobody in their right mind would even know this kind of personal info, let alone memorize such trivial details by heart, but Mona’s crazy stalker knowledge has exceeded beyond all our expectations.
Sara also concocted some long, rambling, wholly uninteresting story about a cupcake which explains why she somehow inconspicuously knows about this passcode. Ok thx 4 sharing. To be honest, whenever her character speaks, all I hear is a Charlie Brown voice going like BLAH BLAH BLAH WHY DOES ANYONE TRUST ME IMMA SHADY BITCH.
In Sara’s defense, even if she wasn’t one of A’s accomplices, it’s generally not a smart idea to enter into strange rooms without a clear exit strategy. Oh, I dunno, only that A has trapped the liars in this exact same manner dozens of times before, you’d think they might learn their lessons for once. OH LOOKIE, A DOOR! WE MUST PROCEED INSIDE IMMEDIATELY! It’s like watching a human version of a mousetrap.
Sara: Yeah… I’m gonna wait out here. It’s a little tight in there.
“It’s a little tight in there.” – yeah, that’s what she said!
Emily should have known better. Normally, her character couldn’t take two steps without Sara latching onto her like a nasty flea, so she should’ve known something was up as soon as she noticed that Sara wasn’t glued to her hip like always. By the time Emily finally realized that she doesn’t have a pesky parasite by her side, her Judas girlfriend was like LOL CYA~ and immediately closes all the doors to the only exit route. Wow, what a surprise, I totally did not see that coming at all.
Mona: The cops aren’t coming. How did you think A escaped police custody? Sara called Tanner directly, right?
Emily: What!? You think Tanner is working for A!?
Mona: Yeah, I bet she told Sara that we’re all just fine.
OMFG. It’s incredibly insulting to my intelligence how these girls can have so much unfounded trust in TWO-FACED SARA HARVEY when all obvious signs point to guilty bitch. While I won’t argue the fact that Lt. Tanner is most likely an agent of evil (and her affiliation with A will be released in an online clip that PLL doesn’t bother to include in the actual show), it’s so frustrating to hear Mona accuse the Tannersaurus and still trust Sara within the same breath. Gurrrrl, did the idiot ball drop on your head?
OMG, A IS REVEALED!
For a moment there, I think Hanna seriously believed that A ripped open a time portal and she was standing in front of the entrance to another cosmic universe far, far away. No girl, this is not a space ripple, you’re not the heroine to a crappy SyFy show that gets promptly cancelled after one season. It’s just a hologram, so put your hand away because you’re embarrassing yourself.
I had no idea how Ms. Pieterse managed to film this scene with a straight face, considering everything about it was so laughably over-the-top. The scene was campy as hell, not in a fun way though, but in a cheap, cringey, obviously low-budget, need-a-strong-margarita-to-get-through-this type of hot mess. It was like watching a parody version of a poorly produced daytime soap opera, right before the actress discovers that her evil estranged sibling has drugged and murdered the rest of her family. My god, it was bad and it was only just beginning.
Never mind how A managed to overpower two physically able adult men, and never mind how A obtained this mythically unlethal drug, and never mind what happened to either of the characters since their fates aren’t addressed for the rest of the episode. We simply don’t have time to acknowledge any nitty-gritty details in this action-packed finale! LOGIC IS FOR LOSERS! NEXT CONTRIVED SENSELESS PLOT TWIST PLEASE!
SIX YEARS. I waited six long and painful years for this very moment. The identity of A revealed. Finally, at last. This is it, this is it, this is it…
And then, in one fleeting moment, my entire world comes crashing to an end.
At this point, I was massively in denial and still clasping onto straws, so part of me was hoping that maybe CeCe was just a stand-in for the real A, or maybe she’ll rip off her human mask and Ezra’s face would be exposed instead. But even as I was making excuses for A’s identity, I could feel hope slipping away, the light is dimming, the end is near. You better hide any sharp objects away from Recap Everything, because I’m about to go ahead and physicalize all of my existential pain!!!
SIDEBAR: Oh my god, can somebody please let Miss Hanna know that eyeliner is *not* meant to make yourself look like a drunken raccoon? For a moment there, I thought the make-up artist assaulted her face with a permanent marker.
Shortly after, Emily also removes her headgear in a fit of frustration. Is there some kind of unspoken rule where the pretty little liars cannot register shock until they removed the crap on their heads? Are these hair accessories cutting off the blood circulation in their brains or something? Because that would explain a lot.
1.) A is the artist formerly known as Charles DiLaurentis (or ‘Charlie’ if you’re a manchild who still believes in imaginary friends), who changed her name to Charlotte DiLaurentis, who then adopted a fake alias as CeCe Drake, who later donned on a bad wig and called herself Vivian Darkbloom.
ABC Family: Hey, I can change names too! Call me #Freeform!
While we’re on the topic of identity changes, we must talk about ABC Family’s embarrassingly bad rebranding that’s happening in 2016. Oh my god, be honest, is Freeform not one of the worst names that you’ve ever heard of for a TV channel? I’m giving it five years max before they change this awful name again.
THE GOOD: trans representation on TV = hey, that’s cool.
THE BAD: the show’s only trans character being represented as a deranged homicidal villain = not as cool.
THE UGLY: the official @ABCFpll Twitter account making an ignorant transphobic tweet on their timeline = yikes, definitely uncool.
I know the PLL producers were soooo proud of themselves and patting their own backs for the so-called ~LGBT inclusivity~ on the show, but it’s not enough just to include a character. They must demonstrate responsibility & diligence with the portrayal too. And maybe take their social media interns to a few courses about gender sensitivity, pretty please?
Charlotte: They never understood how much I loved you. From the moment mom brought you home, I never left your side. You were like my very own living doll.
Yup yup, nothing says unconditional love more than drowning your one-year-old baby sister in a bathtub! Some sacred bonds can never be broken!
A’s childhood memories
Ugh. Is a little peace and quiet too much to ask for? Can’t a sophisticated gentleman enjoy a cup of afternoon tea and a bit of delightful banter among his companions without disruption? Imagine if you were having tea with the Queen of England and the Duchess of Cambridge…and all of a sudden, some attention seeking bitch starts to cry and poop! RUDE.
Only an evil child genius would think of turning an ordinary bathtub into a homemade water torture device. You may not agree with his methods, but you gotta admit it’s pretty impressive for a kid his age to invent his very own DIY death trap. In fact, he might possibly be the world’s first preschooler to commit a premeditated murder.
In present day, the pretty little liars are strangely sympathetic towards A after hearing her story, claiming this was an *accident* and that little Charlie *didn’t know any better*. Excuse me, but look into the kid’s eyes and tell me whether you see genuine remorse or you see killer’s intent. Sure, it was just a friendly accident, surrrrre.
If you’re feeling bad for A, at least you can rest assured knowing this story has a happy ending. Yeah, we’ll see who gets the LAST LAUGH and who is found buried in the backyard with a huge gash over her skull~
lmao @ A’s multiple assassination attempts on an infant. Dayum, that’s dedication. If this wasn’t his first time killing Alison, I wonder what his other attempts were. Did he poison the baby milk? Did he threaten Ali with a pair of scissors? Which household appliances were possibly turned into murder apparatuses? Thank god Charles wasn’t tall enough to reach the oven yet, or else he would have shoved his baby sister in there like a casserole.
In an ideal world, we’re all given the freedom to twirl around in glitzy dresses to our heart’s desire. But sadly, Papa D was an oppressive asshole who didn’t allow his son to dress up in women’s clothes, which was totes traumatizing and one of the main factors that had driven A into homicidal rage. “Why did you murder all those people, Charlotte?” “BECUZ MY DAD WOULDN’T LET ME WEAR A HALTER TOP!!!”
It could’ve been interesting to explore the dysfunctional relationship between Charles & Bethany, but the atrocious script and the shoddy child actors rendered this scene unwatchable. Look, I *don’t* wanna be the asshole who makes fun of kids , but their acting…oh my goodness me. Surely I can’t be the only one who cringed and recoiled every time they recited a line?
1.) We’ve been told that Alison + Bethany = around the same age, which is how their corpses got mixed up or whatever. Yet, Flashback Bethany also appears to be around the same age as Charles, who was supposed to be years older than her.
2.) Bethany was just a child when she killed Toby’s mother, yet Alison was a teenager when she met Marion several seasons ago…
The age disparity is like an impossible riddle. Of course, the simplest conclusion is that holylol PLL fucked up soooo badly and the timeline continuity was completely outta whack in this episode. Bethany’s actress was both *too young* and *too old* to have existed in this flashback. In order to sync the narratives and keep our sanities intact, we must remove the spatio-temporal anomaly from the equation and not consider Flashback Bethany as part of canon. Bethany Young, I dub thee Bethany Old and you have been exiled from our timeline, thank you goodbye!
“Wow, I hope PLL explains what rly happened to Toby’s mother!” SAID NOBODY EVER. Marion could’ve fallen off that building after God appeared above her and struck her down with a lightning bolt, but I still wouldn’t give a damn! As a well-documented #deadmama hater, I think it’s ~*poetic justice*~ this shitty storyline came back to bite PLL in the ass.
OMFG WHY DID SHE KILL THE BITCH!?!? We’re given no motive or explanation other than bitch crazy. Are we supposed to believe that Bethany murdered Marion in cold blood just because she might’ve seen Charles wearing a dress??? Because that would be…on par with PLL logic, but still utterly ridiculous. There wasn’t even a heated exchange between the two characters. Marion literally said three words to Bethany before she was shoved down like a bowling pin. Oh whatever. Let’s just hope this doesn’t lead to another season of Toby moping and weeping as he vows to get to the bottom of his mommy’s death.
Bethany: What did *I* do!? You pushed her, FREAK!!!
U FREAK!!! …said the kettle to the pot, so I don’t think she’s in a position to be name-calling here. Afterwards, Mama DiLaurentis bribed Police Superintendent Wilden to cover up the murder and rule Marion’s death as a suicide (lolpwnt toby). The general consensus is that everyone seemed to believe Bethany and they accused Charles just because he was a boy wearing a dress, which kinda makes no sense. Is there some scientific study that proves the correlation between ppl who wear dresses and ppl who kill? Besides, I don’t know why anyone would trust a single word of testimony from either Bethany or Charles. Um hello, they’re patients at a mental institution? Why believe one crazy psycho over another crazy psycho?
Alison: Why is that funny?
BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS, ALISON. THAT’S WHY WE ARE ALL LAUGHING. Speaking of Alison, she heard a few flimsy sob stories at this point and had already been converted into the biggest A sympathizer. She was getting teary-eyed and apologizing profusely and basically sucking up to the same mofo who had tormented her for years. To be fair, Ali *is* trapped in a confined room with an evil psychotic killer and still managed to keep her composure. I guess lunging towards A and choking the life outta dat bitch wouldn’t have been the best approach in this hostage situation.
Jason scores with another half-sister
Hanna: Wait, Charles is CeCe, but CeCe is Charlotte? *puzzled*
As the realization dawned upon Hanna that A is transgender, she immediately turned her head towards Emily as if to seek an expert’s opinion on the subject. Hey Emily, you belong in the LGBT community, this must be your field of expertise!
Well, not quite true. They don’t allow any crazy bitch through their gates, since I’d like to remind everyone that Charlotte = *accepted into UPenn* and Spencer = *rejected by UPenn*, which is becoming more hilarious in retrospect. Hey Spencer, how does it feel that a legitimate unhinged psycho enrolled in the same university that you didn’t even qualify for? Stings a little, doesn’t it?
Charlotte: How…how did you do that!?
Jessica: You did it, Charlotte! By showing them how smart you are!
Umm… Not to take away Charlotte’s academic achievements, but it probably helped that her mommy was actually on the Board of Trustees at Radley. Plus, Jessica could influence the other members with her status & her money & her willingness to put out for any married man, which meant she was able to get away with a lot of shit. Do you want a university degree, Charlotte dear? Just let mommy make a few phone calls and pull some g-strings, m’kay?
Ah, it was a classic tale of forbidden love. Except try imagining a more scandalized version of Romeo and Juliet where the star-crossed lovers are also brother and sister. Needless to say, the romantic chemistry between them was impalpably off-the-charts. You could sense their sexual energy buzzing in the hot summer air. From the moment he laid eyes upon his sister, Jason DiLaurentis felt an erection stirring against his thigh. His rock hard cock throbbed as he fantasised about ravishing his sister in broad daylight. *ahem* Just remember, I’m not the one making it gross, please place all the blame on the showrunners who permitted this relationship to happen in the first place.
Also, I can’t miss the opportunity to point out that Jason DiLaurentis has officially hooked up with both Charlotte and Melissa. Yup, that’s right, he had exchanged saliva and/or proceeded beyond first base with *TWO* of his half-sisters. Kissing one of your siblings might have been an unlucky coincidence, but kissing two of ’em is starting to look like a deliberate ploy. Homeboy is collecting these smooches from his sisters like he’s collecting poker cards for a full house. Two in the pocket, two more to go. Now, I cannot watch any of Jason’s scenes with Alison or Spencer without immediately thinking JUST KISS ALREADY!!!
Alison: *inquisitively* Did you guys…
Charlotte: Okay, that’s just sick, Ali! Like I said, it’s my BROTHER!!!
Notice how she didn’t flat out say no… *awkward* It was a simple yes-and-no question, yet Charlotte danced around the subject and didn’t outright deny the charges, which tells you everything about their so-called platonic relationship. *moar awkwardness* Besides, the two of them have dated for years…plus, when you are walking-sex-on-a-stick like Jason, it’s hard to imagine a guy like him didn’t have a healthy sexual appetite. I highly doubt he was saving himself for marriage. Let’s get real here, even if there wasn’t full-on penetration, there had to be at least a couple of quick handjobs & sloppy blowjobs between Jason and Charlotte, jes sayin’
By the time Mama DiLaurentis found out that her son and daughter are screwing each other, her soul might have died a little on the inside. Nonetheless, Jessica still had to keep up pretences because the world MUST NEVER KNOW that her dead son is secretly leading a double life as a trans woman! *melodramatic soap opera sob*
Let’s see…she paid for her daughter’s education, paid for her accommodations, paid for her dresses, paid off the police to cover up multiple crimes, helped her transition into a woman, helped fake her death, and helped her create a new identity so that she can run freely across town porking her brother. My god, even Olivia Pope is stepping away from Scandal just to relinquish her job to Mama DiLaurentis, because bitch gets away with EVERYTHING. No wonder A became such an omniscient mastermind, she clearly learned how to pull all dem strings from the very best!
Jessica: He thinks you’re DEAD.
How to tell you are a bad father: not being able to recognize your own child when you’re looking squarely at her in the face. Okay, fair enough if Jessica pulled the wool over his eyes and convinced him that Charles had croaked, but did Kenneth not think to check the corpse of his alleged dead son? Did he even go to Charles’ funeral? Considering how all the characters make such a big deal about the physical resemblance between Ali & CeCe, you’d think he might add up two and two together. Considering he spent the entire summer in Cape May with this woman, you’d think he might buy a clue.
Oh my god, Kenneth DiLaurentis, open your beady eyes! LOOK CLOSELY, BRO.
Also, can anybody say ‘fifth wheel’? Charlotte going on vacation with her family is almost as bad as Mona constantly hanging out with the pretty little liars. ~*one of these things is not like the others*~ GURL STOP FRONTING U KNOW U DO NOT BELONG.
Mona meets Charlotte
In an ironic twist of fate, Charlotte accidentally completed the hit job on her sister’s life that she started fifteen years ago. At least she claimed it was an accident, but after you try killing somebody on two separate occasions, it starts to feel a little personal!
Charlotte was completely distraught under the assumption that she killed her own sister. Bitch was sobbing and snivelling and apologizing and begging for forgiveness. It was strange to witness her in such despair, because this wasn’t the type of reaction that I expected coming from A. Then again, I thought Ali’s murderer would cackle with fiendish delight after killing her and also speak with a distinctive British accent, so clearly my expectations were never meant to align with the show.
Anyway, Charlotte got deported back to Radley with her outside world privileges revoked. Not that it means anything, considering Charlotte could enter and exit the asylum as freely as she wishes. If you were wondering how A managed to conduct all these nefarious crimes while she was supposed to be institutionalized at Radley, good question! Just don’t expect any good answers lol~
Mona: I’d been sending Ali threats. I didn’t wanna hurt her, I just wanted to scare her. But that night, so many people were mad at Alison. She was all alone in the yard, and the shovel was right there. It all happened so fast! When I hit her, all I could hear was Ali berating me. Every awful thing she’d ever said to me all at once. But if CeCe hit Ali… Bethany had blonde hair and she was dressed just like Alison… I killed an innocent person.
“I…I killed an innocent girl!” Mona sobbed, acting as if this nobody’s death actually weighed on her nonexistent guilty conscience. I always get a good chuckle whenever the demon imp feigns human emotions. Let’s be real, Mona is only crying these crocodile tears because she’s sorry for *not* killing Alison properly.
Between Charlotte and Mona, you’d think at least one of the murderers would *double check* to make sure they were killing the right girl. Couldn’t you have tapped your victims on the shoulder before you swing your designated weapons against their skulls? Like geez, I know murder isn’t an exact science, but killing the wrong bitch twice is a pretty big damn margin of error!
Spencer: BETHANY WASN’T INNOCENT.
Dayum Spencer, spoken like a stone cold motherfucker. We’re talking about a precious human life here. I mean, Mona basically admitted that Bethany died based on a technicality and here’s Spencer going like BITCH KILLED TOBY’S MOTHER, BITCH DESERVED TO BURN IN ETERNAL HELL!!! Just cuz u mad at the #deadmama killer ain’t make it okay for Mona to play whack-a-mole on unsuspecting girls. Two wrongs don’t make a right!
1.) Who lol’d when *Red Coat* was actually revealed as *Red Robe*? And here we thought Red Coat was some evil fashionista committing crimes around the world in a trench coat like Carmen Sandiego. Turns out she was just a slovenly slob who put on the nearest red bathrobe that she had available trololololol~
I fear to imagine what exchange took place between them. I’ve a hard time believing Alison’s killer met Bethany’s killer without shaking hands, signing a blood oath, and devising their next fifty murder plots in unison.
Here I was, sitting at the edge of my seat, waiting for PLL to deliver on a *compelling motive* that would explain A’s intricate actions over the past four seasons. What I got instead was the hokiest reason to torture and torment a group of strangers. Like wtf. Where is the PERSONAL VENDETTA!? Where is the BACKSTORY!? Gimme some substance, Pretty Little Liars! Give me something other than *idk, i tortured them cuz mona told me some stories, shrug*.
Mona: I don’t remember telling CeCe about you! But somebody at Radley did start sending me riddles and twisted rhymes. It got me really excited about playing the game again.
That’s right, Mona, keep shifting all of your blame and accountability on that mysterious ~*somebody at Radley*~ uh-huh.
In case there were any doubts about Mona’s guilt by association: she was basically the one who provided Charlotte with all the info about the pretty little liars, then she helped her escape Radley just so A can be free to torment the girls. Mona can deny it all she wants, but *lol so busted*. Let’s see how she uses her amnesia to explain herself out of this one. IT WAS THE DRUGS, I SWEAR I DUNNO WHAT I WAS DOING!!!
Lemme go on record saying that I’m absolutely sick of hearing this word in any capacity. We’ve already used up every possible turn of phrase involving this word. Game on, game over, game paused, game resumed, game set match, gameboy advance. Yes yes, we’ve heard it all, please retire this word from the show forever.
Sara Harvey’s ULTIMATE BETRAYAL!!!
Oy vey. This is what happens when you’re watching a low-budget television show forced to cut corners with their production values. Just be thankful that we don’t have cardboard cut-outs of the pretty little liars by the windowsill.
One thing that I’m not sure anyone noticed except for me (because I’m an OCD weirdo who’s obsessed with spotting the mundane details) is how Aria and Spencer seemed to have synchronized their poses together. Watch closely, they stand next to each other and position their arms in the exact same manner on multiple instances. I’m not sure if there’s some kind of ~*osmosis*~ taking place since the girls were confined in the same room for too long, but it’s weirdly uncanny.
Alison: You attacked me in my own living room!
Charlotte: You were gonna leave and I couldn’t lose you again! I had to make it seem real.
Alison: You almost froze Aria and Spencer to death!
Alison: You drove a car through Emily’s house!
Charlotte: Yeah, and I almost cut her in half too! But is she hurt? NO. Is her mommy hurt? No. I only got mad when YOU didn’t listen.
OMFG Ali. Stop arguing with crazy person logic, you won’t win! JUST SCRATCH HER EYES OUT AND POUND DAT BITCH!!!
Charlotte: YES, I CAN! AND I DID!!! I know you won’t believe me, but I love all my dolls. That’s why you’re still alive~
That extreme close-up of A’s face is what nightmares are made out of. OMG, I got chills, y’all~ If there was one saving grace about this finale, I do feel like it was the perfect showcase for Vanessa Ray to deliver some major acting chops in the episode. I didn’t know the actress had it in her, but she really poured herself into the role and nailed all of her scenes as a crazy motherfucking bitch. She came across as nuanced and vulnerable, yet also unhinged and genuinely a little scary. Her performance had been simply mesmerizing. DANG GURL SLAYYYYY.
I don’t actually care about the identities of Red Whatever or Black Whoever, but Sara is like the most offensive choice ever. She’s a shitty character with a shitty backstory played by a shitty actress. And let’s not forget that she wasn’t even introduced until earlier this season, yet we’re meant to believe that she was ~behind the scenes~ since the beginning of time. PLL is blatantly rewriting history and wants us to believe: “Before God created Adam and Eve, there was already Sara Harvey!”
Charlotte: You saw the body, right?
Sara: *LIFTING UP MY BLACK VEIL!!!!!!*
Charlotte: Tell me he can never hurt my sister again.
Sara: WILDEN’S DAAH-AAHED!!!
I don’t even know why everyone rates Vanessa Ray’s acting so highly when Dre Davis is clearly miles ahead. Where is the recognition for this scene stealing goddess, you guys?
So, who agrees with me!? Raise your hand if you’re fully on board with the Shower Harvey renaissance! #QUEENSARA
A heartbroken Emily began having a mini meltdown, which only lasted three seconds because sorry there’s not much time left in the finale! Her entire grieving process can be summarized as: *angry face* + *fists raised in exasperation* + *pounding furiously on the door*.
Spencer defuses a bomb
I love how Spencer basically solved the ~escape room mystery~ within a millisecond before the others could even process what the hell she was going on about. If only she awakened her hypersensitive powers of deduction a bit earlier, the girls could have escaped out of there before the first commercial.
Also, can you imagine walking around all day in dem killer heels? My dear god, lord have mercy on Mona’s Achilles tendon.
Hanna: C’mon, Mona! Let’s go!
Mona: I have to know how the story ends!
I CAN’T BE RESCUED YET, THERE ARE JUST SO MANY FLASHBACKS LEFT UNTOLD!!! Hey Mona, spoiler alert, the story ends when you abruptly die because A released poisonous gas into the room and you were too stupid to escape at the first opportunity. Let’s get moving, bitch!
However, nothing happens when A finally hits the trigger. Pfft, nice try, but did you think PLL actually had the budget for big fancy explosions when their idea of special effects involves placing a TV screen behind a window? *lolno* Sorry A, if you wanna commit suicide, you’re gonna have to do it the low-budget way and just jump off the roof.
Needless to say, this moment was easily the best part of the entire PLL finale. How long have we waited and prayed for somebody to smack Sara Harvey in her super punchable face? GODDAMN FINALLY.
It was a weirdly anticlimactic finish to a weirdly anticlimactic finale. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I expected more than whatever this is. Like geez, at least the past finales had some senseless action, makes me long for the days when Ezra would randomly show up on the rooftop and take two bullets in the abdomen.
A legit ‘game over’ would consist of A’s twisted bloody body lying on the cracked pavement, so this was a massive cop-out. Ugh, if only Bethany Young was still here, she’d finish the job and push this bitch off too.
ZOMG TIME SKIP
Emily: I, uh, heard Sara got released from the hospital today…
As soon as Sara’s name was brought up, all the laughter instantly stopped and everyone’s faces just dropped. Wow, way to kill the mood, Emily. *lol*
Spencer: I doubt that’s how she sees it…
Oh my god, what happened to Sara Harvey after the time skip!? I simply must know! …SAID NOBODY EVER. Can we move on from that bitch already? As far as I’m concerned, Emily one-hit KO’d her at Radley and sent her directly to the morgue, that’s enough closure for me.
Spencer: How lucky am I to have something that make saying goodbye so hard.
Emily: What brilliant scholar said that?
Spencer: Winnie the Pooh~ *giggles*
And here I thought Aristotle must have said that quote. It just goes to show you that sometimes the most profound human insights can come from a big cuddly yellow bear. :o)
While it’d be hilarious for these aging actresses to continue passing off as teenagers, it’s about damn time they grow up into adults. The only drawback is that we don’t get to see these girls re-enact their slutty college years, so we’re missing out on potential scenes like Spencer smoking a bong or Aria banging the entire faculty at her college campus. Nonetheless, I think it’s kinda exciting that the liars are finally introduced to a modern era where they no longer use gramophones to listen to music. Welcome to the future, we have colour TV and wireless Internet now!
Naw, I’m just kidding, I think Alison is supposed to be employed as a high school teacher. She also has a new surname: Mrs. Rollins! OMG ALI IS MARRIED! If she got hitched to some random mail-order groom though, then what happened to Lorenzo!? Did he pass away from old age after the time skip? But I thought their love story was gonna be eternal!
Aria: He’s coming for you!
Emily: We have to go!
Hanna: Now, Alison!
Emily: We came back for you Ali, so move it!
Spencer: It’s too late, he’s already here…
And the episode ends right here, so we don’t find out exactly who’s cumming for Alison. For all we know, Pretty Little Liars could be trolling us yet again and next episode they’ll be going like: “OMG Justin Bieber is here and signing autographs at the front door! That’s why we have to go, Ali! Hurry!”
More importantly, let’s talk about Spencer’s new bangs. Gurrrrrl, look at all dat hair! At first, I was startled by the change and thought her new hairstyle must be a sign that they live in a dark dystopian future five years later. But the more I look at it, the more it grows on me like it grows on her forehead. I dunno, it kinda suits her? What do u guise think about Spencer’s bangs? Do you love it or hate it? CURIOUS 4 UR THOUGHTS.