GAME ON, CHARLES! I’M GONNA WATCH YOUR DOLLHOUSE BURNNNNNNN. *ahem* Welcome to another wacky season premiere of Pretty Little Liars!
The Season 6 premiere picks up where we left off at the last finale. We see the pretty little liars running towards the nearest exit as quickly as their high heels would take them, only to realize that they’re barricaded by an ~electric fence~. Now, the girls have to decide among themselves whether they prefer to get *electrocuted* to death, stay put and *starve* to death, or go back inside the dollhouse to be *tortured* to death. How could life possibly get any worse!?!? *it starts raining* Oh good, now they can die from hypothermia too!
You know a new season of Pretty Little Liars does not officially commence until you’ve heard a bitchy one-liner within the first ten seconds of the episode. Imagine Hanna staring squarely at the camera, thrusting out her tits, and delivering this line with pure epic righteousness. Good god, I’ve missed this campy little show sooooo much~
Pretty little savages
Spencer: I was so close to Charles I could feel his breath…
Mona: Was there anything about him that you recognized? Like a smell?
Emily: She’s not Jenna!
I love how Emily managed to make a snide dig at Jenna who is neither present nor relevant in this conversation. *lmao* Can we all agree that the sexually charged bitchfeud between Emily and Jenna is surely one of the best ongoing subplots in PLL at the moment?
OK DON’T JUDGE HER. You’d be masturbating ferociously too if these were your final days on earth!
But of course, it seems like the pretty little liars would rather die a slow miserable death than to get a single scratch on their dear beloved Jimmy Choos. We might have no food or water, but at least we still have our designer shoes!
Aria: I’m so thirsty I’m seriously considering drinking my own pee.
Hanna: I can totally suck on a pee ice cube right now.
We know these girls must have really rock bottom when they start entertaining themselves with toilet humour. Also, can someone explain to me what exactly is a ‘pee ice cube’ (OKAY WUT!?) and how does it come into existence? Do you have to drop trou, urinate on a tray, and then put your fertilizer inside a freezer? Do I even wanna know the specific details?
I’m keeping my eye on that demon imp Mona, who looks especially ready to revert to her raw animal instincts at any given moment. It’s only a matter of time before we see Mona kneeling over Hanna’s decaying corpse and feasting on her body parts for protein!
Of course, this becomes funnier when you notice their bodies might be covered in grunge and filth, but their dresses are still perfectly clean and pristine. PLL’s wardrobe department was obviously hoping to save a little money and didn’t want to take these expensive dresses to the cleaners afterwards. *lol*
Emily: *holds hands* Let’s all stick together.
Aww, isn’t that sweet? They say this now of course, but let’s see if they change their tune after a couple more days without food or water as their last remaining sanity slips away. I bet my money that these bitches would go POSTAL and eventually turn against one another. It would’ve been worse than Lord of the Flies out here, and I fully expect to see Mona’s bloody head hanged on top of the electric fence!
A: Boo! *lets out gas*
Pretty Little Liars: OMG!!! *screams* *keeps on screaming* *stands there and does nothing else* *falls unconscious one by one*
Couldn’t one of them at least try to kick A in the balls before going down? Like geez. What happened to all your karate training, Aria!?!?
Is Aria pregnant!?
Just kidding. I would actually be kinda bummed out if any of these bitches died on me. *sob sob sob* Imagine a world without the pretty little liars… Without their glamorous dresses, their oversized accessories, and their five tonnes of make-up… Without their petty gossip, their endless drama, and their bitchy one-liners… Without their constant paranoia, their misplaced suspicions, and their frequent murder accusations… *shudders* What a dark and dreary reality! A WORLD WITHOUT THE PRETTY LITTLE LIARS IS TRULY A WORLD NOT WORTH LIVING IN!!!
OH. MY. GAWWWWD. I feel SCANDALIZED. Not only is A simply an evil motherfucker, but now we have confirmation that he’s also an evil motherfucking PERVERT. We should’ve known he didn’t abduct the girls just to play doll or re-enact some sort of high school prom fantasy. This whole ordeal had nothing to do with revenge or childhood trauma or any other conspiracy theory bullcrap! This right here (*points to fanny*) is the only reason, this is what A was after all along! Simply put, A kidnapped the pretty little liars because he wanted to fondle with their NAKED FANNIES.
Don’t be surprised when Aria becomes pregnant later this season and we’re all questioning ourselves: IS SHE CARRYING EZRA’S CHILD OR A’S CHILD ZOMG!?!? And then, nine months from now when Aria finally gives birth to a reptile baby with a lizard’s tail, that’s when we’ll discover who the real father is!
Emily: *looks at her tits* THANK GOD.
Oh, like you wouldn’t! If you had Emily’s boobs, you would be thanking God for his divine blessings every single day too!
Hanna: *puzzled* Emily, we’d be dead.
Emily: You only need one kidney!
Wow, Emily has really been doing her science homework ever since that one episode when she randomly declared her university major as Biology! However, if A actually did harvest their organs, I assure you that the four of them wouldn’t still be here gabbing up a storm right now. This scene would have consisted of Emily’s severed abdomen seen next to a jar of Hanna’s intestines.
Spencer: How long have we been unconscious?
Mona: Only a few hours. I’ve been in my room until now. That’s all I know.
Emily: Are you sure that’s all you know?
LOL BUSTED~ I’ve been playing along with the narrative that Mona is one of the Liars for now, but part of me still thinks this is a long con and she’s in cahoots with A all along. She’s Mona! You can’t trust her! Just wait until this demon imp backstabs the pretty little liars when they least expect it!
Rosewood police fail again
(Imagine if Pretty Little Liars pulled this shit after its first episode and did a *THREE YEARS LATER* time skip. They could have spared us all of the crappy filler episodes in the past five seasons lolz~)
1.) For starters, #JUSTICE4ALI! Alison’s life imprisonment charge was overturned when it’s proven that she did not kill any bitches. You’d think at least one of the detectives or attorneys or judges working on this case might have examined the clues more closely and noticed there was no crime committed, but lolwhoops~ Hey Rosewood, next time you put on a citywide circus show and convict an innocent civilian of murder, maybe check first that a real murder actually took place? EPIC FAIL.
2.) Thanks for all the helpful exposition, Lady Journalist! We find out that the liars are still abducted and Andrew is now the latest scapegoat in the police witchhunt. My bae Andrew! NO! Of course, now that everyone on the show thinks Andrew is the evildoer, it’s most definitely a red herring and he’s pretty much confirmed as *innocent* because that’s how PLL logic works.
It’s people like them, people like Aria with her aloof, doe eyes and Spencer, that smug overachieving know nothing know it all, and Hanna and Emily that are the root cause of all that is bad in the world. They like games? Well, so do I. I fantasize about watching them scream, about watching what it takes to make them turn on each other. It’s not that I hate them, I don’t. They aren’t evil. They just play everyone like they’re game pieces. Like pawns. I’m no pawn, and they can’t play me.
Second of all, I’m picturing Aria with her ‘aloof, doe eyes’ and I can’t shake that imagery out of my head.
Third of all, we thought Andrew was this normal nice guy who’s trying to get into Spencer’s pants, so it’s hilarious to me that he’s talking sooooo much shit about her in his diary. I could read pages after pages of Andrew’s inner monologue just ripping into Spencer like a bitter little nerd. Yes please!
Alison: One month ago, my friends were kidnapped by a faceless, nameless coward. *COUGH* ANDREW *COUGH* The same monster who attacked Mona Vanderwaal and framed us for her murder. We now know Mona is alive, but she is in grave danger, as well as my friends. I’m so thankful to be home with my family, but I would do anything to see my friends again. My friends have always been my rock. Without them, I’m lost in the woods. Totally alone.
Did anyone else think Alison came across as a little *robotic* in that press conference? Yeah, it was a heartfelt speech on paper, but she delivered her lines sounding like *PROCESSING HUMAN EMOTION…ALIBOT 3000 DOES NOT COMPUTE.*
Tanner: Your daughter will have police protection 24 hours a day. We will leave nothing up to chance. If Andrew or anyone else tries to contact her, we’ll be ready.
I have no idea how Lt. Tanner delivered that line with such a serious expression on her face. WHAT A LOAD OF CROCK. I needed to document this quote considering all of the events that happen later in this episode. Let’s just say it’s quite a feat that Lt. Tanner made 3 promises here and basically managed to break all of them. *lol*
Also, remember all those times when the pretty little liars were debating whether they should get help from the police or not? Well, the po-po are finally involved and now we know that it doesn’t make a damn difference! *LOL*
(I know we all have high hopes for Detective Barry, but he’s still part of Rosewood’s notorious law enforcement department so we need to have lower expectations. I’m giving him around 5 episodes before he does something so incompetent that we’re all left questioning how he got promoted in the first place.)
Alison: *vaguely* The stars are aligned… The air feels right… I think Andrew might try to contact me tonight?
Tanner: YES MA’AM! EMERGENCY 24/7 POLICE STAKEOUT NOW!!!
No wonder the pretty little liars still haven’t been rescued yet, considering Lt. Tanner is taking police commands from a pesky teenager. Long-time readers know that I ~lovelovelove~ the Tannersaurus and will defend her to the grave, but lately her character has been SO dumbed down and her incompetence is almost reaching the depths of Team Rocket from Pokemon. I seriously need Lt. Tanner to start kicking some ass again.
Jason: *enters room* Hai guise, I bought takeout!
*immediately has ten guns pointed at his face*
Jason: WHAT THE HELL TOBY!?!?
Sidebar: Can we talk about how adorable Jason’s #whiplash reaction was when he saw the police guns? I lol’d.
Lt. Tanner: WHERE IS SHE???
Police Officer #1: ………
BITCH, YOU LITERALLY HAD *ONE* JOB! I’m guessing this lowly ranked police officer felt disgruntled that she had to work overtime on a Friday night just to look after some snooty rich bitch, so she was like *idgaf about alison* and *also i’m a secret andrew sympathizer*.
Who else is impressed that Alison managed to manipulate an entire police department and used them as pawns in her twisted mind games? DIS BITCH. She was only manipulating her high school friends back in the good old days, but now the stakes are higher and Alison is playing in the big leagues baby!
Alison: Believe me, he’ll be at The Kissing Rock. He won’t miss his chance to get his hands on me.
How about that ~*long awkward pause*~ after Alison basically admitted that A is gonna rape and molest her if their plan fails and she gets caught? Caleb and Ezra looked so frigging uncomfortable in that car omfg. You can tell the two of them were desperate to change the subject and they practically went like “OK LET’S TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER NOW, SHALL WE!?”
Of course, Caleb and Ezra are being such GUYS because they bought her a clunky pair of platforms that are totally impractical for running away from A. Also, you know Alison must be seething inside because the other pretty little fashionistas got to wear pretty prom dresses and fancy designer heels, but she’s stuck with a cheap ass pair of stalker shoes from the bottom of the bargain bin. Ugh!
Alison: WELP! Roadside Assistance! My car has broken down!
A: What you need is in the trunk of the car.
A: I said…CHECK THE BACK OF THE CAR, BITCH. Sheesh!
At the back of the car, Alison is instructed to strip (A’s true agenda right there) and change into a new outfit before meeting with A. If she doesn’t obey, THEN EVERYONE DIES!
Also, could Ezra pick up a razor at a nearby convenience store before going to rescue the pretty little liars? Some men might look ruggedly handsome with stubble and a beard, but that shit makes Ezra look like a slightly deranged hobo.
TORTURE DEM BITCHES!!!
Yup, it turns out that A has another captive! Why couldn’t this sick fucker be content with collecting stamps & coins like a regular person instead of his creepy collection of teenage girls!? The worst part is seeing the desperate markings on the wall, which indicates the poor girl was probably locked up since the beginning of time. Those liars thought they had it soooo bad living here for three weeks. WHY DON’T YOU TRY THREE YEARS!!!
To be honest, I’m still struggling to care Sara’s existence *now* even as we speak. Sorry, but PLL introduced too many Alison impersonators for me to care anymore. Tell me what’s the difference between Sara Harvey and Bethany Young and Cece Drake and Mona with bleached blonde hair? Now tell me why I should care? We’re not watching Orphan Black here, we don’t need this many clones on the show! Alison is still the original and the best, so the rest of the knockoffs can fuckoff!
Three weeks later, the pretty little liars emerge from their rooms looking emotionally scarred but physically unscathed. You have to [fill in your own blanks] in regards to their psychological torment. Considering Aria came out of her room with a stupid pink streak in her spiffy new hairdo, maybe the reason why they didn’t show us the torture footage is because it was embarrassingly LAME.
Aria: Can we just not talk about what we went through? At least not until we get out of here.
Spencer: I don’t even know if I can find the words…
OMG! What happened to them!? I haven’t seen Hanna looking this upset since the time Caleb ditched her for that Ravenswood ho! In fact, all the girls are behaving like their souls got trampled by a pack of wild hyenas. What is it with these bitches and their THEATRICS? You guys, I know A just gave Aria a bad haircut, but it’s not the end of the world here!
Aria: Our families don’t know where we are! They don’t even know if we’re alive! Can you imagine what they’re going through!? *angry goblin rage* I WILL KILL YOU FOR WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO OUR FAMILIES! DO YOU HEAR MEEEE!?!?
Whoa! Calm your tits, Aria! OMG, this girl suddenly seems to think she’s some kind of badass thug just because she got a pink streak in her hair.
HES GOING TO KILL ME – M
No shit, Mona! Dying might actually be considered a small mercy because at least your suffering ends when you’re dead. Unfortunately, it’s so much more evil of A to keep Mona *barely* alive at the bottom of an underground pit until she loses all hope and sanity. A IS SUCH A SADISTIC MOTHERFUCKER OMFG.
This went on for WEEKS. Just to emphasize, MONA LIVED IN A HOLE FOR THREE WEEKS. Excuse me, but what were you doing with your life in the past few weeks? Breathing fresh oxygen? Just remember that’s a *privilege* Mona never got to enjoy!
Emily: How did A get all this stuff!?
Aria: You’re seriously still asking *how*?
Spencer: Yeah, Aria’s right. The question down here is *why*.
LOL~ I love that Pretty Little Liars dropped all pretences and stopped acting like they could even explain the show’s logic. Don’t ask how, Emily! Just go along with this nonsense!
Hanna: *looks at pics* This is from the day we were at the lake…
Spencer: Wow. Ali was in rare form that day, remember? She insulted everybody we’d ever met.
Hanna: We let her call Lucas ‘Hermes’…
Aria: We let her blind Jenna…
Emily: We’re not the same people we were back then. Including Ali. #dropsmic
It’s nice to know Emily resumed her role as the president of Alison’s fan club. HOW DARE YOU BADMOUTH ALI! DID YOU NOT WATCH HER POIGNANT REDEMPTION ARC LAST SEASON!?
Is that it? Um Spencer, old news? Everyone in the PLL fandom already knows which family tree Charles DiLaurentis fell out of. I love how Spencer acts like her outdated spoilers are some sort of brand new information, even though she’s clearly pedalling on the slow bike. How embarrassing for her. *lol*
Rebellion & rescue
Spencer: I counted the steps! It takes 84 steps to go to the prom room, but only 81 steps to go to the vault! That means the vault must be nearby!
Other Liars: *wut*
Spencer: Just follow me, dummies!
If A knows there’s only one flaw in his torture chamber, then you’d think the easiest solution is to install a back-up power generator? Yet, A was being totally nonchalant, going like “I’m just gonna let these bitches run around every night foiling all my plans, hee hee hee~”
Where did it all go wrong? How did such an adorable child grow up and turn into such an adorable psychopath? Or do you guys think A was ~born evil~ and he had always been a twisted little shit? Take a closer look at his childhood picture, that kid has a *menacing* glare in his eyes. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had tried bashing in someone’s head with the apple he was holding. Baby’s first murder weapon, omfg!
Spencer: I’M GONNA SET YOUR ENTIRE CHILDHOOD ON FIYAAAAHHHHH AND WATCH THIS MOTHERFUCKER BURRRRRRRRN. GAME ON, CHARLES!!!!!
Game on! Checkmate! Yahtzee! Go fish! I’m just blurting out pointless board game proclamations, but I’m too excited to care! Take down that evil bastard and stick it up his ass! GOOOO SPENCER!
One of my favourite parts about Toby being a police officer (besides his kinky uniform sex with Spencer) is the fact that he always seems so useless and marginalized at work. Whenever there’s a police scene, you’ll notice he’s always standing in the background and never doing anything of importance. Poor bastard thought he was gonna shoot bullets at bad guys every single day, but the reality is that he’s just a glorified secretary who does paperwork, runs errands and fetches coffee for Lt. Tanner.
Toby: Uhhhhh… *slack-jawed*
Toby looked like a deer in the headlights when Lt. Tanner started grilling him like he was one of her criminals. His only response was to put on a dumb slack-jawed expression for the rest of eternity. *lol* Don’t you just love how Lt. Tanner talks to Toby like a mother scolding her disobedient child? TOBY. I said NO CANDY before BEDTIME. *giggles*
Lt. Tanner: WATCH YOUR BACK, OFFICER CAVANAUGH. U R ON MY SHIT LIST.
Also, did you notice that Alison wasted no time kicking off those tacky shoes that Caleb and Ezra bought for her? Even A was like *oh btw no need to change your shoes* but Alison was like *I’D RATHER GO BAREFOOT*.
After being paralyzed in fear for a few moments, A decided to just pull the fire alarm and made a run for it. *lol weakbitch.org*
Caleb: HANNA I’M COMING TO SAVE YOU. *starts digging*
Ezra: Hey, look over there! An enormous passageway conveniently situated for the girls to make a dramatic exit as they’re being rescued! How did we ever miss it!?
Here’s a crazy theory! Who else thinks SARA HARVEY IS A!?!? Assuming that A didn’t have time to make a last-minute escape getaway, what better way to get away with his crimes than to pose as one of the *captives* and *hide in plain sight*? Is Sara Harvey even her real name??? I DOUBT IT.