Welcome to the most epic episode of Pretty Little Liars ever! Join us in our festive celebration and ongoing worship of Alison DiLaurentis for being a lying, manipulating, bitchslapping QUEEN.
OMG. I hope you guys are as pumped up about the 100th episode of Pretty Little Liars as I frigging am! First of all, who expected a TV show about bitchy girls solving the murder of their dead friend (who isn’t even dead lolwtf) would actually have 100 episodes worth of content? Second of all, who knew some of us were such diehard fans that we’d stick with the show through all the silly storylines and ridiculous plot twists? I only hope I’m still alive when PLL eventually celebrates their 1000th episode milestone~
Queen Jenna returns
Clearly, Jenna’s first order of business upon arrival is going on the W4W section of Craigslist to find a new loyal lapdog as Shana’s replacement. We’ll have to postpone her battle with Alison for another time. Only fools go into a war blindly without reinforcements.
I blame Toby’s memory loss on his new hair, which looks as if it’s slowly melding into his skull like an alien life form. I had totally forgotten how appalling his weave was until I watched the episode again, but I do remember laughing as hard as I did the first time I saw this hairtrocity! HAHAHAHAHA~
Well duh, considering Jenna was the one who most likely orchestrated the assassination attempt in the first place. When Jenna says *jump*, Shana asks “HOW HIGH?” And when Jenna says *kill*, Shana asks “HOW MANY BULLETS!?” to which Queen Jenna mercilessly replies: “All of ’em.”
Spencer: Toby said she sounded broken…
Aria: Maybe she came back because she wanted to be close to her family.
Emily: OKAY NO OFFENSE, BUT IF SHE’S SAD SHE CAN CRY IN NEW YORK.
Harsh barley, bro! Even the other liars are starting to feel sorry for Jenna, except for Emily’s ever-lasting and hilariously over-the-top hatred towards her. You know the reason why she gets so aggro is completely based on five seasons of repressed sexual frustration. Now that Jenna is down with the ladies, it must really bust Emily’s balls to know that her chances of scoring with Jenna are *so close* yet still so far away.
Aria thought she’d go above and beyond to pay her respects to Shana’s widow…until she arrived at Jenna’s house, saw her in the middle of a catastrophic meltdown, and then shit just got too real for Aria so she ran outta that house faster than a flash of lightning! Honestly, what did Aria expect? That she could waltz in there and offer her words of wisdom to make Jenna feel better? Imagine if Ezra was the one who got killed. Aria’s mental state would be helluva worse. We’d probably find her with a noose around her neck within 24 hours.
Jenna’s pity party must have worked, because Aria invites her inside the house so they can reminisce about Shana together. Sadly, we didn’t get to see footage with the two of them having a biscuit & some tea as they share their heart-warming stories of Shana. Remember the time when she went raving psycho, waved a gun in Alison’s face, and threatened to blow everyone’s heads off? ~*so many fond memories*~
Shana: I can rest in peace knowing that Jenna’s love for me is real and nobody will ever be able to replace me in her heart! …….oh.
Sorry Shana, but it’s kinda your own fault that you outlived your usefulness. Let’s hope the next one doesn’t die so easily!
2.) First Shana and now Sydney. Could it be any more obvious that Jenna chose her next concubine by going through her phonebook alphabetically? Let’s see, Shana is dead… What’s the next name on the list?
Hanna Marin: the most eligible bachelorette
Poor Travis. To be honest, his relationship with Hanna is pretty boring to watch, but it’s kinda shitty that they spent half of last season building him up as a character, and then abandoned him like a half-eaten plate of leftovers once Caleb comes back. If only Travis knew beforehand that he was just gonna be the rebound, maybe he should’ve let Mama Marin rot in prison to ~teach Hanna a lesson~.
Lucas: So…my girlfriend is coming into town from Philly tonight. I’m having a party so she can meet all of my friends.
Isn’t it hilarious that Lucas is pretending to introduce his imaginary girlfriend to all of his imaginary friends? No Lucas, sorry to break it to you, but that pornographic performer you met on the webcam site is not really your girlfriend!
Lucas: See for yourself. Party starts at seven.
Lucas must’ve read some dating article that told him the best way to get a girl to notice you is by evoking her jealousy, so he invented an imaginary girlfriend and made himself seem like such a smooth playa. Thank god Hanna didn’t ask him too many questions, because I don’t think Lucas would do well under pressure and he might start describing this girl based on his extensive comic book knowledge. Next, he’ll be telling Hanna that his mythical girlfriend comes with angel wings and a unicorn horn too.
It sucks for Lucas because his original plan was to invite Hanna to the party, but then tell her that none of his imaginary friends showed up and his imaginary girlfriend cheated on him too, so please would she give him a pity fuck? Poor Lucas, story of his life.
Hanna: Caleb!? What are you doing here!?
Caleb: *long awkward silence*
Caleb didn’t have any dialogue because the writers obviously haven’t come up with a proper explanation for his character’s return. As far as the show is concerned, they want to pretend Ravenswood was like a bad dream that never happened and Caleb is seamlessly integrated into the Pretty Little Liars narrative as if he had never left in the first place. They’re scrubbing Caleb’s character from head-to-toe to make sure he doesn’t carry any whiff of Ravenswood’s bad stench back into Rosewood!
2.) I guess the only valuable thing that Caleb got out of Ravenswood is a spiffy new haircut. Oh my god, please get in touch with Toby and recommend your hairstylist to him ASAP!
Caleb: *long awkward silence x 2*
If you thought Hanna might have some reservations about getting back together with her deadbeat ex-boyfriend, you’re sorely mistaken. From the moment they met again, Hanna is already mooning over this loser, knitting matching scarves for each other, and planning a romantic couples’ vacation getaway together. GOOD GRIEF. Even Aria put up a few episodes of struggle before going back to her abuser.
Lucas: I…don’t see her right now.
Hanna: Are you sure that she’s even real?
LOL BUSTED~ Okay, let’s entertain the notion that we believe Lucas begged and pestered a girl long enough to make her agree to be his girlfriend, how suspicious is it that we never see her once at his party? Let’s face it, the reason why we never saw a physical manifestation of his girlfriend is because she doesn’t physically exist. I guess the escort that Lucas hired for the evening must have cancelled on him last minute, or maybe even these call girls have enough dignity not to be seen in public with a loser like him.
Hanna: LUCAS! YOU’RE DOING IT WITH HER!!!!!
Lucas: Hanna! Shhhhh!
Lucas is shushing Hanna, but deep down he secretly hopes her voice echoes across town so that everyone knows he lost his virginity. Lucas Gottesman needs some street cred, yo! I feel such second-hand embarrassment for him, not because of what Hanna said, but because it’s so blindingly obvious that he’s lying about his first sexual experience. At first, it was kinda funny, but now it’s kinda sad that Lucas is having imaginary sex with his imaginary girlfriend. Once again, thank god Hanna didn’t ask him too many questions, or he’ll be forced to describe *doing it* with a girl on his bunk bed next to his comic book collection and Wolverine figurines.
Lucas: Wait, come back! Lemme tell you about my girlfriend some more!
Travis: *carrying Hanna* Okay, I think you’ve had enough.
Hanna: YOU DUNNO WUT I WANT! I…I WANNA BREAK U-U-UP….
Travis: Wow, I can’t understand a word of such drunken gibberish! Let’s take you home!
Thankfully, Travis was a real gentleman and brought her drunken ass home. The silver lining for him is that she was slurring her words so much and basically too drunk to actually break up with him, so the two of them are still a couple…for now.
In my honest opinion, Hanna was kinda pathetic falling completely apart over a guy, especially since her ex-boyfriend didn’t treat her that well when they broke up. Does she not remember how devastated and heartbroken he made her feel? Like, I wouldn’t mind Haleb getting back together so much if it was more about him slowly and eventually winning over her trust again. But to watch her just throw herself at this douchebag, it’s like…gurrrrrrl. As the wise singer-prophet Aretha Franklin once advised: “R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me!”
Caleb: Travis is a nice guy. I didn’t come back to screw that up.
Hey Hanna, do you want to be with the BORING NICE GUY, or do you secretly crave for the BROODING BAD BOY? Oh gee, I wonder who our female protagonist will choose!?!?
Caleb: *long awkward silence x 3*
Hanna asked the same question three times throughout the episode, and she still couldn’t get a straight answer out of Caleb. FFS. “We’ll tell you the reason once we figure it out, Hanna!” …as said by the PLL producers.
Caleb: I dunno. The night you left Ravenswood is the last time I saw her.
“…and they all got killed by the network axe.” That’s how the story of Ravenswood ends, boys and girls! Seriously, does anyone even care about getting closure and resolution for that one-season shitfest known as Ravenswood? I gotta laugh when I read in an interview and the showrunners were like “We’re gonna tie up some of the loose ends from that show!” and I’m like GURRRRRL, NO1CURRRRRR.
Aria goes down on Ezra
I love Pretty Little Liars too much to wish rapid cancellation upon it, but Ezria scenes like these make me wanna wish rapid death upon myself! END THE VICIOUS CYCLE! MAKE IT STOP!
It has been a while since we’ve seen his midsection, not ever since Ezra became the laughing stock when he flaunted his blatantly sprayed on abs in the second season. (And you know Ian Harding must have it written in his contract that he’s staying fully clothed with double layers of clothes back when Karate Jake was on the show.) Luckily, PLL finally hired a competent make-up artist in between the seasons, so the spray-on is looking a bit more subtle this time around.
Afterwards, there was a lotta pearl-clutching imagery of Aria getting violated and ravished by her predator boyfriend in every which way. At one point, it looked like Ezra took a gigantic vampire’s bite out of her neck, which seemed quite painful yet she had a sensual expression her face. *lolwtf* @ this ridiculous sex scene, I was definitely more disturbed than aroused!
1.) I dunno if the song selection is because PLL became so out-of-touch that they think this is the perfect romantic melody to accompany Ezria’s reconciliation? He’s so devoted to her, aww!
2.) Or maybe they’re trying to send a subliminally dark message about Ezria’s relationship, but that doesn’t make sense either since they’ve worked overtime depicting Ezra as a Good Guy again this season. All I know is that I found this scene creepy as fuck, and the music was definitely not helping to set the mood!
Ezra: I can handle it.
Oh dear me. I don’t even wanna know the X-rated sexual mechanics between the two of them. *shudders*
For the grand finale, witness a naked Aria with her arms spread out, holding up the bed sheets, and DOIN’ THE BUTTERFLY before she envelops her body over Ezra’s. Oh my gawwwwwd. Aria went down on Ezra like she was collecting pollen from his flower bud! I WISH I COULD UNSEE EVERYTHING. I’ve just seen a dark savage side to humanity that left me speechless, mortified, and completely hollow inside. Let us never mention this traumatic incident ever again.
Veronica is getting a DIVORCE
Spencer: Mom, what’s going on!?
Veronica: I am leaving your father!!! #BOSSMOVE
Hooray for another PLL divorcée! Mama Hastings was so hilariously dramatic about the whole ordeal, going like SPENCER, PACK YOUR SHIT UP! WE’RE LEAVING YOUR FATHER AND MOVING STRAIGHT INTO A REFUGEE CAMP! Spencer didn’t even have time to feel upset about her parents’ divorce because she was so frigging confused lol.
Um, who hires a private investigator to find out if her husband and her daughter committed a murder? Such an epic #BOSSMOVE and I wouldn’t expect anything less from a badass like Veronica Hastings. How much do you wanna bet that she has a detective trailing Spencer at all times too?
2.) Oh my god, the moment when Spencer and her mother promised to take care of each other was sooooo emosh and left me a little teary-eyed! As far as the Hastings family dynamics go, it’s obviously Veronica & Spencer on the Good side versus Peter & Melissa in the Evil side. Um, I know which The Amazing Race team I’m gonna be rooting for!
Spencer: You’re actually the first person I thought of when she said that she was leaving him. Because I remembered how hard it was for you when your dad left.
Congratulations Hanna! You’re the friend that reminds me most of a broken home!
Spencer: I know that we’ve never really been like a warm and fuzzy family, but I always thought my parents are going to stay together.
Well, I don’t know what outcome Spencer expected when she’s accusing various family members of murder every other day? I always thought it was Spencer’s ultimate goal for her whole family to stay together…in prison!
Alison goes back to school
Check out Alison putting on her WAR PAINT before the big day! Ooh, girl! *brush brush* Years from now, our children and our grandchildren will be studying in their school history classes about the day when the DiLaurentis Wars began. AWWW YEAH, IT’S AWN!
It was like watching the ~moon landing~ for our generation. One small step for Alison, one giant leap for epic bitches!
Hanna: Wait, Ali knows Cindy and Mindy?
Emily: She used to call them ‘gayrons’.
Emily: Yeah. Like, gay morons.
Just when you thought Alison’s nicknames couldn’t get any more embarrassingly unoriginal….
Besides, I don’t think the queen would have four such stylish bodyguards parading by her side. Did you guys notice how none of the four pretty little liars wore any colours to clash with Alison’s peacock outfit? Bitch must have colour coordinated and sent a threatening memo to her entourage that NOBODY shall steal her thunder today.
Paige confronts Alison
Emily: Are you sure you didn’t leave because of Alison?
Paige: I know she’s your friend, but even being in the same room as her makes me SICK.
I love how Paige talks about Alison as if she was an actual virus. Her mentality was like: *THEY SHOULD CALL THE DISEASE ALISON, NOT EBOLA* and *I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR WHO FOUGHT ALISON ONCE AND DON’T WANNA RELAPSE AGAIN*. However, Emily convinced her that the best way to ~overcome her demons~ is to confront them head-on…and you know Paige thinks Emily is full of shit, but the temptation of tasting her ex-gf’s sweet honey lips outweighed her fear of contracting the evil germs, so she begrudgingly agreed to meet up with Alison.
Paige: You were a TERRIBLE person, Alison. And I hated you for it. I didn’t care you were dead. I was happy you were gone.
“Paige, I’m sorry…” vs. “FUCK YOU BITCH!!!!!” Oh dayum, Paige ain’t playing! Tell us how you really feel, girl! Thank god Emily hid all of the sharp objects in the room, because I swear Psycho Paige would have stabbed a letter knife into Alison in the heat of the moment!
Paige: For what you did to me!? Or for yourself!?
Alison: For all of it.
Alison tried to cry and act vulnerable during the moment too, but you know this bitch went through five bottles of eye drops just to get that glossy effect in her eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I do sympathize with her. I believe she’s feeling hurt, distressed, afraid, lonely, confused and desperate…but I don’t think she’s *genuine* or *remorseful*. Her apology sounded like something you’d find on Twitter, similar to how celebrities give a generic PR statement after they get in trouble for a bigoted remark. “I’m sorry if I offended anyone. My words have been misconstrued.” Um okay, bitch!
Alison seduces Emily
Alison: When I was talking to Paige, I realized that I owed you an apology too. I always made you think that your feelings for me were totally one-sided… That wasn’t true. Those kisses weren’t just for practice.
OMGGGG. Not that anyone had doubts Alison is a completely evil manipulative bitch, but this moment encompasses everything that makes her character so dark and delicious. Alison blatantly used her trump card to manipulate her friend’s emotions and ensure that she stays loyal. “Hey Em, feeling sorry for Paige? Why don’t you feel what’s in between my legs instead? ”
I shouldn’t be surprised, but I can’t get over the fact that Alison used her friend’s complicated feelings to fulfill her own self-serving goals. Wow, just wow. As far as I’m concerned, this was a devil-tiered evil move, right up there with Snow White being fed a poisonous apple.
Emily: *whispers* Ali? Are you asleep?
Alison: *SNORE* *SNORE* *SNORE*
Alison: loljk~ let’s make out, bitch~
I know some fans were complaining about how PLL played it too safely with the Emily x Alison scenes. We didn’t get any shots of a naked Emily spreading out the bed sheets and doin’ the butterfly as she goes down on Alison, so #INEQUALITY. However, I didn’t really notice because my mind is already on autopilot at this point and I’m currently fantasizing about Emily using her fingers to play a lyrical song on Alison’s vagina, so the reality is not a big deal for me~
EPIC BITCHSLAP HEARD AROUND THE WORLD
Oh my god, I can’t begin to describe how excited I feel right now. I’ve waited SO long to write about this scene. My heart is thumping and my forehead is sweating. I’m getting a tingly sense in my fingers even as I am typing out this prologue. In the history of mankind, there have been bloody battles, there have been long fought wars, but there has never been a TITANIC SHOWDOWN as epic as the one you’re about to witness. Welcome to THE greatest moment in Pretty Little Liars history!
Alison: WHAT DO YOU WANT!?
Mona: I WANT YOU GONE FOREVER.
Alison: YOU DON’T SCARE ME, MONA!
Mona: THEN PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!
I honestly can’t decide if I want the *crazy* one or the *evil* one to win the fight. This is a battle between two supervillains, like Voldemort versus Voldemort, so you know humanity is going to lose either way.
Mona: NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE!!!
Alison: You’re wrong, Mona. Just like before. Everyone wants to be my friend and that’s what you’re afraid of. You’re scared, because you know it’s not gonna take me long to win over your army of losers. I made you Loser Mona once and you know I can do it again!
YAAAASSS THE BITCH IS BACK!!! At first, Alison still tried to put up the pretence of “Oh, I’ve changed!” and “I’m not a threat to you, hehe!” but it didn’t take long before she dropped her mask, exposed her devil horns, and laid out the motherfucking SMACKDOWN. Goddamn, Alison’s tongue has only gotten more acidic over the years!
Mona was the one who attacked first, and it was pure bitchslapping perfection. Look at the majestic movement of her wrist! Look at the impact of her palm as it hits in the centre of Alison’s cheekbones! Look at the pure fury that remains constant on Mona’s face! That bitch obviously gave it everything she fucking got!
Then again, Mona should consider herself very lucky that it only left a scar. Next time she messes with Alison again, bitch is gonna pull out her monster claws and slice off the entire goddamn head!!!
My favourite part about the video is when the pretty little liars first watched it, and everyone reacted like *WHOA * at Alison’s slap. I must have watched the footage at least 50+ times, but I was still like *WHOA * because #THESLAP only gets more epic with each rewatch~
Alison looked livid after Mona confronted her about the video. She was sharpening her claws and ready to throw down with Mona in all-out catfight. SLAP DAT BITCH AGAIN, THE SEQUEL!
How hilarious is it that Emily changed her attitude towards Alison immediately after she put out for her? Up until they fornicated earlier this episode, Emily had been Alison’s most ardent supporter, defending her left and right until the cows come home. But now, Alison’s vagina has lost its ~magical allure~ and Emily couldn’t care less about her friend anymore. Whatever, Ali sucks, no hanky panky!
A blows up Jenna’s house
Um, who dat bitch??? Did they read out the wrong name in the news? I was 99% certain it’s gonna be that counterfeit liar, Sara Harvey, since they made such a dance and song introducing her character last season, so this Bethany bitch completely came out of left field. Am I supposed to know who this random nobody is???
Spencer: Did they just say ‘allegedly’!?
OH SNAP. The Rosewood police just went on the news and basically said: “Shots fired, Alison DiLaurentis! Your move!” Alison looked so frigging confused right now because the bitch really thought she crafted the perfect lie. Her action-packed abduction had masked assailants! Moving vehicles! Blindfolds! Metal rocks! Add Vin Diesel into the story and this could be the next The Fast and the Furious sequel! How could they not believe her!?
2.) It was Jenna’s house that went #kaboom. Never a dull moment with dat crazy bitch and her hilarious hijinks lolz~ How many assassination attempts are we at now? #4? I’m sure she’ll use one of her nine lives and survive this too!
3.) Can you imagine the news headlines on the next day? FRONT PAGE: House explosion! SIDE COLUMN: Swapped at death conspiracy! DAILY HOROSCOPE: Consider moving away from this circus show of a town.