In this PLL recap, Hanna gets an XTREME MAKEOVER; Aria gets haunted by Shana’s undead ghost; Mona and Alison prepare for war against each other.
For some reason, the show wants us to play along with the charade that Hanna went WILDZ and got an XTREME MAKEOVER…even though she looks exactly the same? *lol* I mean, if Hanna was so desperate to distinguish herself from Alison, she could’ve at least put a stupid pink streak in her hair like Aria did!
Hanna’s first world problems
Hanna: OMFG I LOOK LIKE A HIDEOUS MONSTER, RIGHT???
Aria: No, I don’t hate it! I actually really like it! I’m just confused by the sudden impulse.
Hanna: I wanted to be spontaneous~
Aria: Hanna, you’re not spontaneous. You make a Pinterest board before you change your nail polish.
WHERE CAN I FOLLOW HANNA MARIN’S OFFICIAL PINTEREST PROFILE!? I, along with a thousand zealous PLL fans, need to be constantly updated whenever Hanna puts on a new nail polish!
Unfortunately, Hanna didn’t even remember she still had a boyfriend until this cruel reminder of a text message. Let’s face it, she had already prepared a break-up speech with Travis from the moment Ravenswood got cancelled and out-of-work actor Tyler Blackburn came crawling back to the flagship show. We all know Hanna is just biding her time with this placeholder relationship until Caleb makes his triumphant return. Before then, Travis can send all the text messages that he wants and enjoy this short-lived happiness while it lasts.
Hanna: I heard you’re back in Rosewood High?
Lucas: Ah yes. Homeschooling wasn’t really for me. It’s kind of a game-changer when your mom can both ground you and flunk you. *gigglesnort*
Hanna: Oh. That’s…nice. *feigns interest*
Sadly, his time away from the show has not given Lucas any more game with the ladies, so he remains as *awks* and *virgin* as ever. Maybe the next time you talk to a girl, don’t lead off the conversation with how your mom still changes the sheets after you’ve wet the bed?
Hanna: *makes fake phone noises through the corners of her mouth* OH! I HAVE TO TAKE THIS -VERY- URGENT PHONE CALL, BUT IT WAS -SO- NICE CATCHING UP WITH YOU!
Lucas: It’s okay, I can wait for you to finish this call!
Hanna: BYEEEE LUCAS~~~
Lucas: I feel bad for Alison! She got abducted for two years. Should we still torture her when she comes back to school? Hasn’t that poor girl suffered enough?
Mona: AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHY MINDLESS MINIONS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE OPINIONS. NEXT TIME YOU DARE TO STEP OUT OF LINE AND DEFY MY MASTER PLAN, I WILL MAKE SURE YOUR CHARACTER DISAPPEARS FOR MORE THAN TWO SEASONS!!!
Lucas: *whimpers* …yes.
Mona: Yes what!?
Lucas: Yes, master.
On the bright side, at least Janel got to bang that hot piece of Val Chemrkovskiy ass day in and day out. She even broke up with her boyfriend just to have a full-fledged fling with Val, which is frankly hilarious to me and I’m not judging because I’d do the exact same thing in her shoes. Um excuse me, but when life gives you a Chmerkovskiy brother, you thank God for this opportunity before you spread your legs wide open for him!
Choose a side, Pacifist Paige!
Mona: Fine. I won’t twist your arm. But just so we’re clear, you don’t get to be some sort of social Switzerland here. If you’re not with me, YOU’RE AGAINST ME.
Paige: I’m not with anyone.
Mona: Sure you are. At least you wanna be. And Emily is with Ali.
Look at Paige being all *Hi, I’m Pacifist Paige! Kumbaya!* and Mona instantly shutting that shit down like NOPE, YOU GOTTA CHOOSE A SIDE BITCH!
OMG. Does Paige have a death wish!? While I admire her for having a backbone and standing up to that demon imp, it might not be the smartest move mouthing off to Mona. You may not want her as your ally, but you deffo don’t want her as your enemy! And holy shit, you should’ve seen the piercing death glare that Mona shot towards Paige afterwards. Let me translate the unspoken threat implied within her eyes of fury: *PSYCHO PAIGE…YOU SHALL RUE WASTING YOUR LAST BREATH ON THOSE FINAL WORDS!!!*
Emily: Remember the time when you had buffalo wing and honeydew melon as your pizza toppings? So gross. Hehe.
Paige: Remember the time when I was crying and professing my love on your front porch, and you basically told me to fuck off? Oh wait, that happened just last episode. So gross. Hehe.
Aria: Maybe Paige is scared. Getting too close… Getting rejected again…
Emily: No, I don’t think it’s because of that?
Emily was totes oblivious that she’s sending mixed signals to her ex-girlfriend. Even Aria noticed and went like *cough cough maybe take it down a notch ho cough cough*, but Emily still didn’t catch the hint. Only these hot girls can get away with being so HOT N’ COLD in their relationships. Let’s dump my girlfriend one day… Go on a date with her the next day… And make her pine after me every single day!
Paige: I think if Alison comes back to school, you should keep your distance. People are preparing for Alison’s return and it’s not with flowers and welcome home banners. Your friend hurt a lot of people, me included. I’m not interested in continuing that, but I’m also not gonna out the people who feel the need to protect themselves!
OMG. So melodramatic! I’d like to remind everyone that Alison is merely going back to school, yet all the characters speak as though they’re anticipating the Kennedy Assassination to happen. They hyped up the event so much that I almost expect Alison to be greeted with snipers, grenades & landmines once she steps foot into that school!
Alison gets bullied
Her enthusiasm reminds me of a little kid amped up about her first day of school, only to be totally over the experience as soon as the first school bell rings. Let’s ask Alison if she still wants to go back to school once it’s time to take her midterms, mmmkay?
It’s exactly what Mona wants. If Ali goes runnin’ away like a lil’ bitch, it would be the equivalent of admitting defeat to Mona. Well, guess what? You bet your goddamn ass that Alison DiMotherfuckingbadass AIN’T GOING NOWHERE until she wins this catty high school feud against her blood rival!!! If Daddy DiLaurentis knows what’s best for him, then he better stay here at home, hold the fort, and get outta the way while his daughter slays some bitches back in school! CAPICHE!?!?
Ooh, someone just got dissed! I know Alison wants to be seen as *mature* for her age, but I’m not sure if a teenager having the same fashion style as her middle-aged mother is the look that she’s aiming for?
(P.S. I know Alison might not be up-to-date about the latest in technology for the past 2 years, but nowadays cell phones have the functionality of *displaying* the sender’s name in the message thread title. Why did Alison feel a need to sign her text messages as “- A…lison” unless she gotta be trolling us viewers?)
Kelli: Rot in hell!
Bill: Hell is too good for Alison.
Jason: That bitch was a nasty pitch of work. No wonder somebody murdered her. Did us all a big favour!
Stay classy, internetz~ And *lolded* at Jason jumping on the hate bandwagon too. How hilarious that her own brother was one of the cyberbullies who left the most scathing insult. Wish u were dead sooner! –xoxo ur bro
Welcome to HELL Alison! So perfect for her. I can see her crunching on a pile of bones and skulls. You will forever NOT be missed! – Caroline
Um, comment of the year? I know I’m an awful person for laughing, but you gotta admit that Alison’s haters are so hilariously tacky and spiteful. Just picture Alison crouching on the ground and scavenging for leftover bones like she’s Gollum, bwhahaha~
Rosewood Police: Hey Ali, we’re glad that you returned safe and sound… But we still need to find out how many times were you raped???
The rape test was more or less implied. During an emotional convo with her dad, Alison reassures him that she wasn’t *hurt* (aka. ABC Family’s tasteful euphemism for rape), much to his relief. I never considered sexual assault as a possibility, since I’m pretty sure Alison’s vagina is like a deadly Venus flytrap that comes with its own metal teeth and claws.
We didn’t hear about Alison’s exam results on the show, but luckily Recap Everything secured an exclusive copy that I will share with y’all: “No suspicious activity detected in the patient’s uterus…but I’m pretty sure she’s six weeks pregnant with Ezra’s baby. Also, I found a mysterious portal to the underworld inside Alison’s vagina. Caution ahead.”
The doctor questioned the origins of the nasty boo-boo, but Alison was too embarrassed to admit that she got the scar from some really kinky sexual foreplay involving blades and Ezra. Instead, she fabricated a story about *cutting herself on a rock* *while jumping out of a car* *and running away from masked assailants* *p.s. she was blindfolded this whole time*.
I love how Alison keeps insisting that she was blindfolded, even though it’s easily the least believable part of her story. She’s so committed to her stupid lie lol. Just stop for a sec and imagine Alison jumping out of a moving vehicle while blindfolded… Okay, I couldn’t picture the whole scenario and already burst out laughing at dis bitch jumping out of a car like she’s an action hero.
Doctor: Are you sure? The puncture wound is more consistent with an old relic sword or a sharp pointy stick?
Alison: I GOT HURT BECAUSE OF HEAVY METAL ROCK!!!
Just to be clear, Alison is saying that she cut herself on a piece of metal rock (material), and that she did not cut herself while listening to the other type of metal rock (music genre). Excuse me, but Led Zeppelin’s music would never hurt anybody.
Alison: I wish I was blindfolded when I got that scar.
Hanna: Did someone do that to you? Did you do that to yourself?
Alison: Hanna, once you know something, you can’t unknow it. Believe me, I wish I could.
Yeah, I could come up with a couple of theories as to how Alison got that scar on her thigh. But I dunno if I want the plot to go down such a #dark path? I mean…I’d be perfectly OK if we pretended the explanation was as innocent as *Alison peeled an orange and the knife accidentally slipped*.
My question for Alison is where exactly did she hide the recorder in the examination room? As far as I can tell, there weren’t any pockets on that medical gown? I know I’ve made grotesque jokes about the various objects found inside Alison’s magical vagina, but I didn’t expect her to take an entire tape recorder outta her snatch! GOD DAMN. Anyone wanna guess what else she has hidden up in that dark mythical cavern?
If you insist on purchasing that type of outfit from a store, you better prepare yourself to be MASSIVELY JUDGED. Snooty attitude from the cashier… Leery glances from other customers… Sly smiles from that security guard. All things considered, it’s probably more embarrassing to get caught buying this top than to get caught stealing it.
Aria is haunted by Shana’s ghost
loljk~ As if Hanna would actually care enough about books to steal them. You probably couldn’t pay her to take these books home free of charge. The days of Hanna pretending to be intellectual in order to get in Officer Holbrook’s pants are long gone~
Aria is already bugging out and making all kinds of O_O faces because she’s convinced that Shana is haunting her from the dead? OMFG. Unless Aria becomes a professional exorcist that wards off lingering evil spirits, I’m honestly not sure where her storyline is going? Can someone please remind the PLL showrunners that their paranormal storylines did not test well with Ravenswood audiences either? Please don’t put us through that shit again. -_-”
Mona: Oh dear. It’s SO sad that the recently departed Shana won’t need this book anymore… *moment of silence* Ever since she moved back home to Georgia, or so I’ve heard? I am actually spoiler-free, hehehe!
Despite the fact that Mona is blatantly dicking around with them, the pretty little liars are too dumb to realize what’s happening. Mona could barely wipe that shit-eating grin off her face, but these bitches are still like *But wait! Is it possible that Mona knows our secret in New York!? We’re only 50% sure that she knows!* Like omfg. Keep pedalling on the slow bikes, girls!
Spencer: Aria, look… You need to take a psychological selfie right now. You’re letting your paranoia get the better of you.
1.) First of all, *psychological selfie* is an AWESOME phrase of word and I thank Spencer for introducing to everybody’s lexicon from now on.
2.) In the history of the show, how many times did Mona not know about a secret within the first five seconds of it happening? Or for that matter, how many times have the pretty little liars actually managed to hide a secret from her? You gotta wonder why these girls persist with their secretz and liez when they have a batting average of zero.
*Aria turns on the computer*
THEATREGIRL would like to chat.
THEATREGIRL: If it was me, I could never forget. It would haunt me for the rest of my life.
Aria: Who is this?
THEATREGIRL: Becca From AP History. It’s just so horrible what Alison went through. How is she?
Mwhahaha! Becca from AP History deserves an award for being so unintentionally evil.
Funeral Singer: OOOOOHH AAAAHHHH LALALALALA FALALALALA~~~
Aria: Bravo! Standing ovation! Encore! Encore!
For the record, I’m not sure if I transcribed the above exchange accurately. I watched the rest of this episode *on mute* because if I have to hear that bitch’s voice for one more second, I might stick a knitting needle into my eardrums!!!
Aria: Sorry for killing your daughter, I’m now donating $20 because that’s my estimated value of her life. Would you like this payment in cash, or do you also accept gift cards to Bath & Body Works?
1.) For a brief moment, I thought Ezra made an ADMISSION OF GUILT for the hundreds of teenage girls that he must’ve victimized over the years. Sadly, my interested quickly waned when he started rambling about his goddamn book and betraying Aria blah blah blah.
2.) lol @ the nerve of Ezra to draw parallels between lying about his novel to Aria killing a human being in cold blood. Oh yes, these two things are totally relatable and practically the same situation!
1.) Years of counselling and intensive therapy.
2.) Daily prayers and asking the lord for forgiveness. Preferably done in a commune.
3.) LET’S PLAY SOME SNAKES & LADDERS TO GET OVER SHANA’S DEATH, YIPPEE!!!
Like the pair of heartless savages that they are, Ezra and Aria spend a lovely evening playing board games while Shana’s corpse rots underground and her family have to cry themselves to sleep. D: At least we know the two of them won’t be playing Clue any time soon. Imagine Aria trying to figure out who was the killer in the Theatre with the Rifle. *awks*
Anyway, Aria was basically willing to stay at his apartment and put out for him, but she changed her mind at the last second. Is it too hopeful of me to think that she didn’t sleep with Ezra because she recovered her last modicum of self-respect? Knowing Aria, this ho probably said no just because she forgot her birth control pills at home.
Is Aria slut-shaming herself? *lolwut* Well, at least we figured out how to take her mind off the Shana dramarama, which is to focus all of Aria’s energy into her Ezria drama instead. SIGHHHH.
The part of the recap where we appreciate Andrew’s hotness
On one hand, I’d like to see Andrew play a larger role in the show besides being Spencer’s back-up boyfriend. On the other hand, I’m afraid PLL would only tarnish his likability with whatever garbage storyline that they give him, so he’s better off staying as an irrelevant adorkable side character forever.
Spencer: Still with the carpenter.
Andrew: Worth a shot.
At first, Andrew hitting on Spencer was kinda cute and maybe a little flattering… But now, I’m sorry to say it’s verging on desperate and uncomfortable. No matter which way you look at it, stealing someone’s girlfriend is a DICK MOVE. Andrew, you’re my bae, but even you and your dimples aren’t charming enough to pull this shit off. Does Andrew need his reading glasses to see the obvious signs? #NO means #NO!
Andrew: Spence, don’t get too close. Sometimes when they think they’re in danger, they play dead.
That description sounds like Alison to a tee~ *lol* Also, this is definitely the SEASON OF DEATH on PLL because everyone is dropping dead. First Shana, then Mama DiLaurentis, and now even the wildlife can’t escape death’s wrath. To be honest, I actually feel more upset this possum has died than I do about frigging Shana. With any luck, this possum will take a page from that dead bitch’s book and start haunting the pretty little liars too~
At first, Spencer was willing to turn a blind eye that her dad probably killed Jessica, but the possum’s death is where she’ll draw the line. LEAVE THE INNOCENTS OUT OF YOUR MURDER GAMES, DEXTER MORGAN!
Spencer: Mom, repeat after me. My husband murdered Jessica DiLaurentis. C’mon, say the line! You need to be ready when you testify against him in court!
Veronica: Why can’t we just talk about boys and clothes like most normal mother/daughters do?
Here are some other reasons why Veronica must be the murderer:
1.) It’s pretty telling that Veronica seems MORE upset about her backyard was being destroyed by the ongoing police investigation than she felt about her next door neighbour dropping dead under mysterious circumstances. Evidently, Veronica is much more concerned about the petunias in her garden than Jessica’s rotting corpse.
Peter: What’s the matter? *pause* Should I say what’s the matter now?
Veronica: We’re just talking about Jessica. About how upsetting it is. *pulls, twists and distorts face*
I love how Mama Hastings can’t even mention the woman’s name without being enraged and flashing her FACE OF THUNDER. You’d think she might let bygones be bygones now that the bitch is dead, but Veronica is clearly not letting go of this personal vendetta throughout her next nine lives. Mama DiLaurentis might be dead, but Mama Hastings’ rage will live on forever!
Needless to say, Veronica’s rampage is easily the highlight of the episode, which is strange considering that we didn’t even get to see it happening on screen. Seriously, where can I find the footage of Mama Hastings going postal and chewing off some junior police officer’s head!? I WANNA SEE THE RECEIPTS.