WARNING: This PLL episode recap contains many lesbian fantasy flashbacks that might make your nose bleed and your panties slightly moist. Viewer discretion is advised.
Cue the melancholy background music! MOAR PIANO INSTRUMENTAL = MOAR ANGST! (The soundtrack was so incredibly distressing that even Norah Jones listened to one verse and fell into a nearly suicidal stupor.) Cue the fancy production tricks with the dim lighting and dark shadows! MOAR SHADOWS = MOAR ANGST! Cue Alison lying in a fetal position on her bed, surrounded by many big billowy pillows! MOAR PILLOWS = MOAR ANGST! Are you clinically depressed yet!? PRETTY LITTLE LIARS DEMANDS YOU TO BE SAD, GODDAMMIT!!!
Alison’s awkward funeral moments
I’m not saying Alison is a HEARTLESS BITCH INCAPABLE OF COMPASSION (lol i totally am), but I’m starting to wonder if she even *feels* anything for her mother’s death deep within the deepest creases of her decayed soul???
I do wonder if Alison was truly in mourning, or did she cope with her grief by putting on a fashion show in her bedroom? My mom might be dead, but on the bright side, this pink top really complements the decor!
I mean, GURRRRRL. There’s a proper place and time to wear bright yellow stilettos. And don’t even get me started on the risqué hemline, tsk tsk. If Hanna bends over in that dress, all the guests will be seeing a whole different kind of *OPEN CASKET* at the funeral!
Ali: What’s wrong? I’m paying tribute to my mother by wearing her dress at the funeral.
Everyone else: *awks*
Spencer: Ali, your mother wore that dress. She wore it to your funeral.
The Universe: *awks*
Of course, the pretty little liars all look MORTIFIED that Alison is wearing this dress. Not just because it is Mama D’s funeral dress, but also it’s a SECOND-HAND dress that went out of style YEARS AGO. *gasps* How could you wear such old tattered used clothing on a high-fashion show like Pretty Little Liars!?!? We’re not savages here!!! *clutches pearls*
lol @ Alison being devoid of compassion and empathy even when she was as young as seven-years-old. “WHY ARE ALL DESE PPL CRYING OVER MY DEAD GRANDPA? YUCK!” Never change, Ali~~~ Personally, I think Mama DiLaurentis dragged her daughter to the funerals because she noticed the psychopathic behaviour early on and wanted to verify if Alison actually had a soul.
Umm, it looks like a perfectly ordinary painting? Why is Ali bugging out? You’d think she might be uncomfortable over all the coffins and tombstones and dead people that are inside a funeral parlour, but it was an innocuous piece of painting that terrified Alison the most!?!? How…bizarre?
Hanna: dis bitch
Oh god, you can practically see Alison’s inner monologue finishing the rest of that Hefty Hanna joke inside her head. This bitch just couldn’t resist making a passive aggressive jab. For the record, I don’t think Hanna and Alison look THAT much alike, but PLL has some weird mentality where they think all blonde girls are identical twins. Remember when the show tried to convince us that Alison and CeCe were SPLIT IMAGES of each other and we were all left scratching our heads???
Hanna’s lesbian fantasies
OH MY GOD. All of my Hanna x Mona fanfictions are coming true at once! *nosebleeds*
Hanna: What was it like to come out?
Emily: *startled* umm wut?
OMG. Where did that left field question come from!? It can’t be a simple coincidence that Hanna started having passionate f/f memories at the same time she expressed a curiosity in LGBT! Come to think of it, this isn’t the first time Miss Hanna dipped her feet into these ponds. Remember when she pretended to spy on Paige and ended up cruising in a gay bar? *knowing look* All the signs are there. U GUISE, is Hanna about to come out as a lesbian too??? O.O
Let’s begin with the fact that Hanna is dressed like a glamorous office lady from the eighties who is starting her first day of work, while Mona resembles a young flamenco dancer’s daughter who’s about to elope with a rebellious bullfighter. Naturally, these two goddesses are holding hands as they stroll…? trot…? sashay…? across the school hallways like they’re performing on a fashion walkway. This is also done in slow motion, with wind blowing against their perfect hair, while some raunchy club music plays in the background. They looked fierce, fearless, and preposterous all at the same time. I only have two words for them: HOT. MESSES.
Hanna: You didn’t help me! You changed me! You made me dye my hair, you made me wear her clothes, you made me walk like her, talk like her…
Mona: Reality check! You didn’t like being Hefty Hanna any more than I liked being Loser Mona. How about a little gratitude? If I hadn’t given you the Ali upgrade, where would you be?
Hanna: I’d still be me.
Um okay? Methinks the lady doth protest too much. I mean, if Hanna insists on being her good old Hefty self again, there’re always cupcakes waiting for her at the bakery.
After the hogwash over her identity crisis or whatnot, I was seriously expecting Hanna to go thru a major epic physical transformation. I thought she was gonna go full ~*Black Swan*~ on us. As it turns out, all Hanna did was touch her roots and got a barely noticeable trim at the beauty salon. Like wtf.
Mona: What’s it gonna be like when Ali comes back to Rosewood High? Oh come on, she’s still Ali! She wants to come back and pick up where she left off. And look at that story she has got to tell! All that drama and danger and suspense… It couldn’t be more exciting if she made up the whole thing! *HUGE ASS SMIRK*
I can’t really decide if competing in DWTS is considered a step up or a step down for Janel’s career. Either way, I’m still incredibly happy for her and I’m glad that she gets to tap her hot dance partner, so gj gurl~ Now avenge Brantangel and win that mirror ball trophy for the PLL fandom everywhere!
Ezria: *fleeting glance*
Mona: Don’t you wanna sign the card? I think that you should, for the sake of appearances. We all have to be careful how others see us~~~
Good god, how does Mona manage to get through life without being slapped on a daily basis!? She’s like the living, walking, breathing embodiment of an online troll.
Spencer: You know, somebody has go talk to Ezra and make sure he’s gonna keep quiet about what really happened…
Aria: NOT ME! He’s alive, he’s safe, but we’re over! You guys can ask me to do anything else, but you can’t ask me to do that! O_O
Naturally, everybody knows she is full of shit, including Aria herself. It took her up until the next scene before her willpower broke and she was pounding at Ezra’s apartment door moments later, desperately begging for him to take her back.
Ezra: *mumbles incoherently about something*
Aria: *pregnant pause*
Ezra: *gives a forlorn look*
Aria: * averts gaze*
Ezra: *slight inhale*
Aria: *inaudible gasp*
Ezra: *squints eyes*
Aria: *widens eyes*
2.) Oh god, I don’t even wanna talk about PLL’s attempt to make Ezra relevant to the plot by forcing him to speculate about A, as if he was part of the gang all along.
3.) The only funny moment is when we discover that Ezra has changed the lock in his apartment, thus effectively shutting Aria out of his life for good~ You should have seen Aria’s face when Ezra said that he changed the lock; her expression immediately turned into stone. *lolpwnt*
The show tries to portray Ezra x Alison as a platonic relationship between *the writer* and *the muse*, but deep down I think we all know there’s implicitly more between the two of them. I imagine they must have some kind of casual fuck buddy arrangement, where he gets to fulfill his perverse teenage girl fantasies and she gets to satisfy her sexual appetite for older men. There’s no romance here, it’s just pure filthy sex.
Alison: Ezra doesn’t look at the world like Mona does. Ezra is not a bad guy, Aria. He’s just too romantic for his own good. It’s probably why you fell for him.
OMFG. First of all, can Alison please get up from her knees and stop sucking on Ezra’s dick? Second of all, ughhh, we all knew this would happen, but PLL is in full swing trying to redeem his character and turn him into a ~*good guy*~ again. Ezra set up thousands of spycams = too romantic for his own good??? Like wtf.
P.S. Does Ezra have anything better to do with his life, or does he fill his schedule with jailbait all the time? Sorry, rhetorical question.
P.P.S. Have Ezra’s neighbours complained about the voyeuristic creeper who keeps bringing different teenage girls to his place around the clock? They probably suspect his apartment flat is a den full of sexual sin and moral decay.
Aria: Yeah, I was kinda thinking the same thing, but here I am. Once again. Back at the scene of the crime.
Ezra: There’s no crime here! Not the way I see it!
LOLOLOLOL. Ezra is sooooo full of shit. He got so sensitive to a throwaway comment and practically pleaded to Aria that their relationship is not ~*illegal*~ in the eye of the law. That must be how Ezra manages to sleep at night, trying to delude himself that he’s not committing a heinous crime by sleeping with his underage student(s). Not the way he sees it!
Ezra: Aria, you don’t have to tell me anything.
Aria: No, listen. You don’t have to worry about Shana anymore. SHE’S DEAD.
I love how Aria’s murder confession begins with “You don’t have to worry about Shana anymore~ :D” Spoken like a true professional assassin. Anyway, I wish Aria would just turn herself in to the police so that we won’t have to hear her ramble on about *ZOMG I KILLED SHANA WHAT SHOULD I DO??? FRET FRET FRET!!! * for the rest of the season. It has only been two episodes and this storyline is already getting on my last nerve. Plus, it’s made 100x worse now that Ezra is involved in the plot too. Ugh, nothx.
Mysterious transfer student Sydney!
1.) SYDNEY IS SUCH A FAKE BITCH OMFG. Pretty Little Liars totally pulled the long con with her because she seemed so nice and normal at first, but she faked her whole personality to get close to the pretty little liars. For now, she’s just another redshirt added to PLL’s rotating cast of characters. I’ll have a whole lot more to say about dis phony bitch once her true colours are exposed in a future episode, stay tuned! SPOILER ALERT: Any ally of Queen Jenna is also an ally of mine.
3.) Sydney comes out as Emily’s number one fan, having watched all her videos (including her webcam vids) and even memorized her swimming comps by heart. Surprisingly, Emily was not suspicious that a total stranger is practically obsessed with her, but I guess hot chicks are used to dealing with secret admirers and obsessive stans all the time.
With Sydney practically thrusting her perky lil’ bum into Emily’s face, it was only a matter of time before sumthin’ sumthin’ happened in the locker room. Luckily, Paige showed up to vagblock the two of them just in time. MARK YOUR TERRITORY N’ FIGHT FER YER WOMAN, PSYCHO PAIGE!
Sydney: Should I be taking something for that?
Emily: No, no, it just means your reach is 3 inches less than your height.
omfg @ dis bitch is already planning to take performance enhancement drugs to improve her donkey dex or whatever. The stakes here is a high school swimming competition, not the Olympics, you don’t need to take anything! SAY NO TO STEROIDS, KIDS!
Sydney: Did you two spend a lot of time together? Training?
Emily: Not really. But we were together. In the pool.
Paige: And out.
Emily: In and out.
Paige: Of the pool.
DAT EXCHANGE. I love how every sentence in that conversation can be suffixed with a suggestive emoticon. Also, this is the extent of Paige’s ~*game*~ which consists of making awkward and stilted sexual innuendos about swimming pools lol.
Paige: Your mom knows we’re fighting.
Emily: We’re not fighting. We’re done fighting.
Paige: Which makes us what?
Emily: We go to the same school. We used to be teammates. Maybe we could be friends?
OMG, that was so heartless! Couldn’t Emily let Paige down a little more gently? WHY DO BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE SAY SUCH UGLY THINGS?
I enjoy Paige’s character the most when she’s either really psychotic or really vulnerable, so this scene was just heartbreaking for me to watch. How could Emily still reject her after hearing the genuine heartfelt speech that came pouring straight out of Paige’s soul? And those misty eyes? And that tremble in her voice? Oh god, it’s getting to me again~~~ *sniffles* Poor Paige.
MOAR Hastings accusations & drama
Spencer: It wasn’t Jason! I saw his face when the dog found the body!
Aria: A dog who knows where the body was buried!? That sounds exactly like A!
Finally, they speak some sense! Even Aria agrees with my theory that the dog did it! *lol* WATCH OUT PEPE DILAURENTIS, WE ARE ON TO YOU!!!
Emily: We’re all thinking the same person…
Spencer: Really? Did you start reading minds?
Hanna: Spencer, it HAS to be Jason!
Spencer: I told you guys! I saw his face!
lol @ Spencer’s entire defense being: BUT U GUISE, DID U SEE HIS FACE? HIS BEAUTIFUL ABERCROMBIE FACE? *holds up a picture of Jason’s headshot* I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS DEVILLISHLY HANDSOME FACE BELONGS TO A KILLER.
Anyway, Jason decides to skip town now that his shambles of a storyline is over (he’ll be back next season when the liars find another hokey reason to accuse him of murder). Before leaving, Jason randomly warns Spencer: “U CAN’T TRUST OUR DAD, HE SUX!!!” and I think he said it only because he knows it’ll fuck with the pretty little liars’ heads lol~ They’ll spend the next five episodes overanalyzing his words and going around in circles until they solve absolutely nothing.
Only in PLL are the good decent human beings being portrayed as evil and get accused of murder, while the actual bad guys like Ezra are put on a pedestal as they get off scot-free.
Like calm down Spencer, you haven’t uncovered The Da Vinci Code, you don’t need a whole team of historians and technical analysts to decipher one e-mail message.
Peter: This doesn’t mean anything…
Spencer: EVERYTHING MEANS SOMETHING, DAD! WHO WAS SHE TRYING TO PROTECT!?
How could we all be so blind! Of course this scrap piece of paper means EVERYTHING!!! Not only does it reveal the identity of Jessica’s murderer, but it also contains spoilers for the rest of the season as well as next week’s lottery numbers. THIS EMAIL SHALL REVEAL ALL~~~
Melissa: Worry less about me, Spencer, and worry more about yourself. You brought Alison home safe and sound, good for you. Frankly, I wished you left her where you found her, but you didn’t. She’s back in the bosom of what’s left of her family. Now stay away from her and the rest of them!
Spencer: I’m related to parts of that family, and so are you.
Melissa: Blood is thicker than water. It can also be very slippery.
Like wtf does that even mean lol~~~~ oh melissa, u aggro bitch, you speaking crazy like always.
Melissa: *shreds paper* THIS WOMAN WAS CRAZY!!!!!
Yes, coming from the Queen of Cray herself, she has the audacity to cast stones at other glass asylums. Or perhaps Melissa has become so deranged and delirious that she’s now referring to herself in third-person?
Melissa: Spencer, you need to know that I killed-
Peter: DON’T SAY ANYTHING TO HER!!!
Melissa: But I did murder-
Peter: YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE!!!
Melissa: That girl died because of-
Peter: NOOOOOO STFU~~~
U guise, I wonder what Melissa’s big dark secret is all about!