HELP, THE PRETTY LITTLE LIARS ARE TRAPPED INSIDE A DOLLHOUSE TORTURE CHAMBER AND NOTHING MAKES SENSE!!! Also, Andrew might be an evil bastard and that has me questioning the goodness in humanity. :*(
What I got from the PLL finale instead was…I don’t even know how to describe it into words, good lord. A freaky dollhouse torture chamber with 24/7 live feeds? Some fucked up psychological roleplaying exercise about a high school prom? And then there’s CHARLES and the CAMPBELL FARM and also MONA who is actually ALIVE, who is actually pretending to be Alison, and who is actually pretending to pretend except for three minutes in the middle of the night? Like wtf!? I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS FUCKERY IN THE SEASON 5 FINALE!!!
Andrew is innocent! I refuse to believe otherwise!
Andrew: Don’t mind me, I’m not being conspicuous at all~ I’m just sittin’ here with mah headphones, mah surveillance equipment, and mah laptop on mah crotch~
Lemme just say I remained one of the diehard Andrew fans throughout the season. I know he acted sketchy as fuuuuuck in the past couple of episodes, but I was willing to turn a blind eye simply because he was so dreamy lol~ UNTIL NOW. Sighhhhh. Why does PLL insist on destroying their likable male characters? Why can’t they leave the creepy surveillance stuff to Ezra?
1.) Andrew only appears in one scene during the season finale, which makes sense because he’s too busy torturing the pretty little liars off-screen!
2.) Much later in the episode, it’s discovered that one of A’s evil lairs is stationed at the ~Campbell Farm~. Yes, you don’t need to look up his last name, it’s THAT Andrew Campbell.
3.) Ugh, no more! The prospect that my bae Andrew might be A has destroyed the core and remnants of my soul. ANDREW’S EVILNESS IS TESTING MY FAITH, MY MORALS & MY ENTIRE CONCEPT IN HUMANITY. Why couldn’t his character have stayed hot and brainy and adorkable forever?
WTF @ HUMAN DOLLHOUSE!?
Spencer: Technically, they think we’re accessories. Not killers.
Aria: An accessory is a necklace or a handbag, not a chain gang.
If I was them, I’d totally be shaking and crying and pounding on the walls for my freedom right about now. I might even consider selling out the others to save my own skin (“It was Hanna! She was the real mastermind!”), but these girls showed an admirable solidarity together, holding hands and vowing to be prison besties forever. Who needs friendship bracelets when we have handcuffs!
Hanna: What the hell was that!?
Emily: We just had an accident!
Aria: Yeah, I did! In my pants!
Oh my god, Aria! Calm down on the jokes! Can someone please remind this bitch that she’s going to prison and not travelling to Carnegie Hall to perform her next comedy routine?
It’s almost too bizarre to describe into words, but there are three in particular that describe this situation the best: WHAT. THE. FUCK.
PLL: lololololol you’d be lucky if we answered even one of those questions by the end of this episode. What are you? New to this goddamn show? Just sit back and enjoy being mindfucked by us, mwhahahaha!
I’m not Mona! I’m Alison!
Emily: Is everybody okay!? What is this place!?
Hanna: I think this is A’s house!
Spencer: More like A’s dollhouse!
Can you imagine how much it costs to build and maintain this dollhouse? Imagine the property costs, the electricity bills, and the renovation budget. If A wanted to play with dolls, go buy something cheaper from Mattel’s toy catalogue! And if A wanted to spy on a group of people trapped inside a house while slowly losing their minds, go watch the Big Brother live feeds! No need for whatever the fuck this is!
Emily: Is that you, Ali?
?????: No, it’s me! DARTH VADER. Alison’s twin sister!
Nope. It’s just Mona, you guys. Bloody hell, it’s just frickin’ Mona Vanderwaal trolling us once again. DIS SHOW. *shakes fist at u* DIS SHOW!!!!!
Anyway! Welcome back to the show, Janel! I know your character got killed off because your filming schedule conflicted with your desire to go-go dance with Val Chmerkovskiy on Dancing with the Stars. But now that your vacation is over, get back to work and never leave this show again!
Alifaux: No, you guys, how can you not recognize me? I’m Alison, teeheehee!
After spending half the season pretending to be dead, Mona is now pretending that she’s a parody version of Alison DiLaurentis. *lol dis deranged bitch* Apparently, anyone can dye their hair blonde and call themselves Alison these days. At first, I legit thought that Mona had lost her mind, but it turns out she’s just appeasing A’s sick sexual fantasies by pretending to pretend to be Alison. Just to clarify – Mona isn’t really crazy…well, I mean, she’s still crazy, but at least she’s not really Alison.
Mona proceeds to make remarks like *lol spencer ur such an imbecile* and *lol hefty, eating one cookie isn’t gonna tip the scales*. I think Mona was channeling her Inner Alison when she made that Hefty Hanna joke, but she may have been tapping into her Inner Mona and spoke from her own bitchy heart when she made that dig at Spencer lol~
Instead, A organized a prom for them. A FRIGGING PROM. You mean to tell me that A abducted the girls from police custody and trapped them in this elaborate dollhouse chamber just for a stupid high school dance!?!?!? WTF I AM MORE CONFUSED THAN EVER.
Mona: The object of the game is to be ready for your date by acquiring an outfit. Then, you get to open a door and find out who your mystery date is, like this. *opens door* *Ezra’s photograph appears*
Aria: I AM NOT PLAYING THIS STUPID GAME!!!
In a shocking demonstration of poor sportsmanship, Aria immediately throws a tantrum and quits the game as soon as her precious Ezra was taken away as a viable love interest. *lol* I actually have no idea how this game works or what you have to do to win it (i.e. is the first girl who reaches ~third base~ with their date declared as the winner?), but it seems obvious that you’re the big loser if your prom date ends up being Ezra.
Hanna: You win! Okay, you can have us as your precious dolls! But if Caleb shows up here, if you do anything to hurt him, I will kill you!
Mona: Hanna, no!
Hanna: YOU ARE NOT ALISON. You are Mona! And this is not your house! You’re not here alone anymore. There’re five of us and one of him, her, it, bitch.
YAAAAS HANNA. Also, can we start a petition on change.org to add ‘bitch’ as a fourth essential pronoun?
Mona: I know we only have exactly 3 minutes to talk, but I gotta drag out the suspense of this moment before the commercial break!
Emily: What happens if you don’t make it back to your room in time?
Mona: It leaves you for days without food or water. It blasts the siren until you’d rather die than listen to it one more second. On a loop, it plays a recording of the people that you’ve left behind, crying at your funeral.
For those of you familiar with The Maze Runner (I watched the movie and read the books to feel closer to the Dylan O’Brien experience~), this episode is similar in concept except that I’d rather take my chances with the Grievers in the maze than suffer through Mona’s intense psychological agony.
Hanna: You know you’re Mona…
Mona: It wanted me to be Alison, so that’s who I am when it’s watching. It thinks it beat me, but I’m still here! I’m the one who’s winning the game!
Err…please define *winning*. I don’t mean to disparage Mona’s fighting spirit, but from my perspective, she’s the one who has been trapped in a dollhouse pretending to be Alison for months after months. She’s not even close to finding an exit or getting help either. I mean, A+ for effort and optimism, but you ain’t winning the game so far, sister!
You know who Mona didn’t ask about? I definitely noticed that Mr. Mike Montgomery’s name was absent from her lips. There were no references of “How’s Mike doing?” or “Aria, I miss your brother so much!” In fact, it’s hard to tell if she even remembers whatshisface. Meanwhile, Mike must be in a fetal position still crying over a broken vial of his soulmate’s blood. Geez. *lol*
One moment, she’s in bed. Next moment, Spencer teleported into another room, stared intently at a couple of letter blocks, and used her hidden psychic powers to move them around!!! These letters were literally flying off the shelf and constantly switching in order! C! H! A! R! L! E! S! Yes, it’s another PLL anagram! But unlike most people who go to an online website to cheat and decipher these puzzles, Spencer uses her ~mad skillz~ to figure out that A’s name (!?) is Charles!!!
Of course, the best part is that none of the liars received this present, which means we’re looking at a potential *5 girls, 1 mask* scenario. Mona makes a major blunder by telling the others about her one and only gas mask. What a rookie mistake! She’ll regret it once the poisonous gas starts rolling in, and these bitches all go into self-perseveration mode, clawing and fighting their way to rip that mask from Mona’s face!
This scene gets a million times weirder when Mona starts brushing her hair while she still has her gas mask on. WHAT THE FUCCCCCCK. I ALMOST SCREAMED. Let me be clear that she did this without being prompted by A. This bitch just put on the gas mask and casually brushed her hair as if it was the most natural thing in the world. At this point, I wasn’t sure what the fuck I was watching anymore. Surely, this episode must be the by-product of some hallucinogen drugs? Everything feels so trippy and unreal, oh my god!
Emily and Spencer have a fake catfight
Aria: *reading card* Aria Montgomery, Music Committee.
Emily: Emily Fields and Spencer Hastings, Decorating Committee.
Hanna: Hanna Marin, Food and Beverage!? BITE ME.
lolz~ Why do these Hefty Hanna jokes never get old? Sadly, Emily’s one day of experience as a Professional Caterer did not qualify her for the Food & Beverage Committee. She was beaten by yet another more qualified candidate once again!
Mona: Well, if I’m on the election committee, you can be sure that I’d win that crown! Sort of like old times, Spencer! Remember when I rigged the election for you to win class president?
LMAO~ My favourite thing about this episode is all of Mona’s thinly veiled passive aggressive jabs at Spencer while she’s “pretending” to be Alison. And Spencer’s reactions are always like *fuq u bitch~~~* but she can’t really call out Mona for these comments because she’s supposedly “staying in character”. The dynamic between the two of them is so fun, hehehe.
Thank god Mona was there and actually understood Spencer’s plan, because the other three girls were like *durrrrr…* and *some1 buy me a clue plz*. To be honest, I was pretty clueless myself even after watching the whole plan unfold. I think it involved using a rigged camera to shut off the running electricity in this place? It’s obvious I’m not a crazy evil genius like Mona and Spencer, so it’s natural that I didn’t understand any of their scheming.
Spencer: I hadn’t needed to build one, but I’ve read about it.
Aria: Build what??? O_O
Mona: The stuff Spencer needed to decorate. If it delivers, we’ll have what we need to build a machine that temporarily shuts off the electricity.
Is that not the most preposterous line of dialogue ever? Why not just use the supplies and build a teleportation wormhole while you’re at it? Geez.
Emily: This isn’t my prom, I’m not helping!
Spencer: WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A BITCH???
Emily: I’m being a bitch!? Take a look around! Why are you making this so easy for A? *sarcastically* Oh my god, drapes! Thanks A! I’m so excited I get to have my senior prom in a dungeon!
I don’t care if this isn’t real, I just love it whenever Emily and Spencer feud. Things always get so personal and so intense between them, eeeeeek! *clutches pearls*
*GASP* OH NO SHE DIN’NT!!!! Okay, I know this is a fake fight and all, but wow, that comment just crossed a line, two lines, three lines, all the lines! Do you think Spencer and Emily actually rehearsed this fight? Or did Spencer just improvise and utter the most under-the-belt remark that she could think of? You can’t really blame Emily for coming after Spencer with a vengeance and pounding this motherfucker down!
The 3 stooges/wannabe detectives
For some reason, PLL believes that the viewers want to watch boring scenes of Toby, Caleb and Ezra investigate their girlfriends’ whereabouts. I’m sorry, but none of them have enough charisma to carry a scene without the pretty little liars by their sides. It’s even worse because we have to watch the three stooges stare at a computer screen, poring obsessively over every number, every GPS coordinate, every piece of camera footage as if it has substantial meaning. “Oh my god! This set of coordinates will tell us where the pretty little liars are! No, how about this one? Let’s try that one!” *randomly points finger on the screen*
Caleb: Yeah, I can look into that.
Ezra: How about other types of cameras? Hidden cameras? Webcams? Toilet cams?
Ezra: Erm, I’m asking for a friend.
Leave it to Ezra to fixate over every piece of surveillance camera footage available. *LOLCREEP* Out of the three guys, I had the hardest time understanding Ezra’s role in this investigation. Caleb has his hacking skills and Toby has his police connections, but Ezra’s contributions are much more ambiguous (i.e. he has none). I guess if you want to catch a creepy stalker, you have to think like a creepy stalker, so that’s where his expertise comes in handy.
Ezra: ARRRRGHHGAHGAHGAH!!! *punches a hole in the wall*
Caleb: um wtf, dude, do you need a moment to yourself?
Toby: *nervously* I’ll get you some ice…
Ezra: I DON’T NEED ICE. I NEED TO FIND ARIA. AND WE’VE GOT NUTHIN! NUTHIN!!!
Holylololol. What the fuck was THAT!? If anyone needs proof that Ezra is a repressed psycho, please add this scene to the psychiatrist’s case file.
Lt. Tanner: *patronizing* You put a lot of work into this theory. *does not give his report a second glance* Ooh, you know what would be FUN? Let’s call in an arrest for Caleb Rivers! My next victim! I’m sure I’ll be able to twist and turn an admission of guilt outta that little punk.
Toby: But what about the abduction!?
Lt. Tanner: Our first priority is to arrest Caleb Rivers IMMEDIATELY!!! Everything else comes second. Those missing girls definitely come last.
Caleb: lol yeahhh, i’ve basically been hacking into the police database and stealing all ur precious cheezeburgerz.
Tanner: You just admitted to a federal offence!
Veronica: I think my client meant to say *IF* he hacked it!
Peter: I definitely heard ‘if’. Now, we’d like to sue you for defaming our client.
If most parents were in the same predicament, they’d be sobbing in the corner and crying for injustice. But not our Veronica Hastings, whose first reaction upon finding out her daughter’s abduction is to head down to the hair salon for a new pompadour. It seems like every time Spencer faces a personal crisis, Mama Hastings would think this is the most appropriate time to showcase a new hairstyle. I knew she wouldn’t be able to resist getting a new do for the season finale. WERK IT GURL.
Frankly, I’m surprised he had enough restraint not to spit in her face. I kinda understand why he’s so aggro towards Alison, considering that she did basically drag Spencer’s ass into jail lmao~ However, I also think part of his hostility comes from his Unresolved Sexual Tension with Mama DiLaurentis. What’s wrong, Peter? Did Jessica call off the affair because she got bored of your smelly dick? Is that why you’re now lashing out your anger at her daughter?
I’m sure Papa Hastings thought he sounded like such a tough guy threatening bodily harm to a powerless teenage girl who’s in handcuffs and can’t fight back. *rolls eyes* Strangely enough, he has this crazy conspiracy theory that Ali is responsible for his daughter’s abduction, as if she’s some ~evil mastermind~ with a network of mob connections on the outside. Yes, Alison is such a brilliant criminal that she ended up with a lifetime of imprisonment. [/sarcasm] LEAVE ALISON ALONE, U BULLIES. HASN’T SHE SUFFERED ENOUGH ALREADY!? PLEASE STOP KICKING THE WOUNDED DOG.
Peter: Why be honest now?
Alison: I’m gonna spend the rest of my life in here. I don’t have anything else to lose. But you do. *drops the mic*
Can I just say that A is a REAL ASSHOLE for not abducting Alison along with the rest of the pretty little liars? It’s not like you didn’t have enough room for one more victim in your torture chamber. And why force Mona to *role-play* as Alison when you could have kidnapped the *real* Alison instead? Those pretty little liars might think they’re in such a ~~miserable~~ ~~hellhole~~ with their comfy beds, their junk food, and their pretty prom dresses, but just remember that Alison is sleeping on an iron bed and eating cold porridge next to the crapper. Um, I know which prison I would rather be in!
Peter: I don’t understand why we can’t take this information to the police!?
Toby: Everything we give Tanner, she twists to fit her own theory!
lol so true~ I love that Lt. Tanner is actually the biggest obstacle to achieving justice. *lol* I also love that Toby is talking smack about his boss behind her back, yet he stammers and splutters like a nervous schoolchild every time she’s in his presence. Y-yes, ma’am! S-sorry, ma’am! I’ll get your coffee right now, ma’am!
Ezra: A didn’t just prey on the girls. Your secrets are in there too. And if you decide to open them, you need to be prepared for those to come out.
Before reading the case files, Ezra remembers to give a *legal disclaimer* because he’s scared that Peter & Veronica will sue him once they realize that he’s a giant creep who invaded their privacy to do research for his book. A isn’t the only one who preyed on the girls, y’know?
Veronica: NO. MORE. SECRETS. *holds her husband’s hand* *meaningful symbolic close-up of her wedding ring*
Notice how Papa Hastings didn’t say a word after his wife’s bold proclamation. *lol guilty conscience* I hope Veronica still leaves him anyway and takes half his money too!
Ugh, Caleb’s overpowered hacking abilities seriously need to be nerfed next season. Any more scenes with him typing away at the computer saying shit like “This IP address can be traced to that server number which are connected to those GPS coordinates so I can conclude that I discovered absolutely nothing!” has lost all of its appeal to me.
Caleb: The thing about coming in through the backdoor is that the view is entirely different.
Caleb making deliberate backdoor jokes is so LOLGROSS. I know the view is different when you’re coming at Hanna from behind, Caleb, but I honestly didn’t need to hear you say it out loud! TMI!
Toby: *points a gun at u* ALL CLEARRRRRR!!!!! *turns around and realizes nobody is even listening to him*
Dude, why are you shouting *CLEAR!!!* when you aren’t even inside the building yet? I know this must be Toby’s first police raid since he joined the force, but he might have been too overenthusiastic and jumped the gun a little. Please calm the fuck down and speak only when you are commanded, Officer Cavanaugh!
Lt. Tanner: *staring at the screens* My god.
Some of you may misconstrue Lt. Tanner’s words as a proclamation of shock and astonishment. Instead, I believe that the Tannersaurus saw proof of A’s immense malevolence and immediately declared her worship. Here’s what Lt. Tanner was really saying: “A, MY GOD, I SHALL CONVERT TO YOUR RELIGION!!!”
Worst prom ever
Girls! The most important part about your high school prom is your ~*dress*~. It doesn’t matter who your date is, or where the venue is held, or what the stupid theme is. The only memory that you’re gonna have of that night is your dress. Just know that all those other bitches will be judging and criticizing you based on what clothes you’re wearing that night. Ten years from now at your high school reunion, they’re all gonna be talking about that girl with the nip slip in her prom dress, so don’t let that be you.
Guys! You’ll probably be too plastered to remember anything about your prom. Dude, just shut up and wear a condom.
P.S. When I say I mean, I really meant that I AM being mean. *lol*
I didn’t even realize I had an aversion to masks until I started watching Pretty Little Liars, but all those facemasks and masquerade masks and surgical masks and gas masks are seriously making me develop a phobia! Eeeeeek!
Also, does this officially confirm that A is a guy? Does this end my five years of jennA speculation theories? Does this mean that A is a guy that likes to play with dolls? Why am I asking these questions anyway? Do I expect PLL to finally give the viewers some answers? Oh wait, I already know that last question~ *lolno*
Can we take a closer look at that hokey rigged camera? That device has a huge piece of white electrical tape and strands of copper wire hanging out everywhere. I understand the pretty little liars made the best out of their very limited resources, but how did A not notice the most obvious booby trap ever?
It was a very interesting movie though, featuring Mama DiLaurentis with her baby daughter and two young boys. At least one of them is the girl’s older brother, but the identities of those three children are not revealed to us. It could be anyone. They could be Andrew, they could be Jason, they could be Alison, or they could be Bethany Young. Hell, they could be a whole different set of characters that haven’t been introduced yet! They could be the children from the extramarital affair that Jessica had with Santa Claus, who knows!?
Mona: This is not at all what I thought it would be. A has a soul.
Oh, isn’t this rich, Mona VanDevil is commenting on other people’s souls. As if this demonic hellbeast even knows what a soul is. Get the fuck outta here, Mona! Leave the discussion of human souls to the people who actually have one!
In other words, there’s no escape from A and the girls are still completely fucked. Prepare to spend the rest of your lives here, pretty little liars!
On the other hand… ANDREW WASN’T IN PRETTY LITTLE LIARS FROM THE BEGINNING. *gasps* TREASON!!! SHOOT HIM NOW!!!