In this PLL recap, Alison returns to Rosewood and spins a convoluted web of lies; Aria cries over Shana Whatsherface; Mama DiLaurentis is DEAD DEAD DEAD.
Alison’s police confession LULZ
1.) Where are Mona’s peeps!? After she rallied the troops last episode, I expected to see mobs of protesters rioting the streets, greeting Alison with pitchforks, and screaming out for her blood. I thought there’d literally be a human barricade, with hundreds of people joined hand-in-hand, to stop Alison from stepping foot into this town.
2.) U GOTTA SPEAK 2 DA PO-PO!!! Oh crud. Once again, it’s that time of the season when the pretty little liars convince themselves to tell the police *everything*, even though they always end up saying *nothing*. You know they’re too chickenshit to go through an actual police confession. These girls are all boobs and no balls.
Emily: Ali, your mother buried you…
Spencer: Look, I think it’s more important that the police know you’re alive before your mom does.
Can we please keep a list of all the characters who already knew Alison is alive at this point? A obviously knew. The pretty little liars knew. The police knew. CeCe knew. Noel knew. Shana knew. Even effing Ezra knew about it and he’s basically just her fuck buddy. You’d think Alison might like to notify her heartbroken parents that their dead daughter is actually alive, but nah it’s not too urgent~ I happen to think it’s hilarious that Alison’s own family didn’t crack into her Top 10 priorities. Lemme tell the postman that I’m alive before I tell my mother!
Since we’re making random references about The Beatles, can we establish that Alison is TOTALLY the Yoko Ono of the group? Look at her! She only just joined the pretty little liars and she already caused so many fractions among the four of them. And what about her prying Emily away from the rest of the liars? SUCH A YOKO MOVE.
Alison: I didn’t disappear! I was kidnapped! I was kidnapped and held hostage for two years! And if it weren’t for my friends, I wouldn’t be standing here! They saved my life!
OMFG DIS LYING BITCH!!! She just yanked that outrageous tale right outta her ass!!! In her defense, being held hostage for 2 years is still more *believable* than being buried alive by your own mom and running away from a phantom tormentor who threatens you with bitchy text messages. At this point, the plot has spiralled so out of control that even an ~*alien abduction*~ seems more plausible than the real version of events.
Holbrook: From your captor? How!?
Alison: I jumped! Out of the car!
Holbrook: While you were blindfolded!?
Alison: Yeah, I tore it off and ran straight into the woods so that he wouldn’t catch me!
LOLZ. You’d think Alison might have prepared and rehearsed a speech before flat-out lying to the police, but this bitch is just making up the details as she goes along. Next, she’ll be telling us how the little green men leapt out of the bushes, grabbed her by the arms, and took her back to their spaceship!
Alison: I asked them to hide me! They hid me in the woods. In a shed that we all used to hang out in. After school. The weekends.
Holbrook: But you just said they came to your rescue in Philadelphia???
It’s funny because you can tell the ~hamster wheels~ in Alison’s head are spinning rapidly as she thinks of her next excuse. While the other liars often have difficulty coming up with one coherent lie, Alison is clearly on an advanced playing field because her brain already formulated twenty additional lies to cover up her first one. Luckily, Officer Holbrook’s puny brain can’t keep up with the constant barrage of bullshit, so he actually lets this lyin’ bitch off the hook even though her entire police confession is just one unnecessary lie after another. *lol*
Spencer: We made a pact, Emily! A is finally dead and we were all ready to go back to our lives…and now, all of a sudden, we’re back on Planet Alison! It’s like it’s 9th grade all over again and we’re here on the whirly girly ride! What, Ali goes rogue and we’re just expected to back up her story!? Why is she still controlling us!?
Planet Alison sounds AMUHZING and I would love to visit there on a spaceship. Can you imagine? Alison would be a power-hungry tyrant running a totalitarian society with the aliens as her slaves and minions!
At this point, Emily is so blinded by her love or lust or loyalty or libido or whatever it is that makes her see Alison through these rose-tinted glasses. It’s funny because Emily was the one pushing hard for her friend to give the police confession, but she sure changed her tune fast enough as soon as Alison did her own thang instead. “ALISON DILAURENTIS IS THE ONE TRUE PROPHET AND WE SHALL NEVER QUESTION HER ETERNAL WISDOM,” exclaimed Emily, the First Disciple of Alijesus.
Spencer: Well, can you let us in on them!? So that we’re not caught paddling around like idiots, trying to play catch-up!?
Alison: I told you, Spencer. I made up the lie to protect Aria. She kinda killed someone, remember?
Spencer: YOU COULD HAVE CONSULTED US FIRST!!!
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! For a moment there, I thought Spencer was gonna swing her fists and deck her! We’re soooo close to these two bitches blowing their lids off at each other, and I am giddy with anticipation for the ensuing fallout! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHHHHHT!
Suspect #1: MARLENE KING. She sent that text mesage because the plot was moving too quickly for her liking, so she had to create a contrived excuse to stop that police confesh.
Suspect #2: SHANA. She must have great phone reception in hell and sent that text message from the afterlife~
Suspect #3: ALISON’S MOM. The Truth will bury you? More like Mama DiLaurentis had *already* buried you once and she will bury you *again* if you dare to step out of line!
It turns out she put her cell phone *inside* the toilet paper roll and used it to deliver the parcel to the pretty little liars. That’s actually very resourceful of Alison and I kinda hope it becomes the ~*next big thing*~. Who needs glittery smartphone cases when you can just carry your phone around in your toilet paper, amirite?
It’s nice to know that while her teenage daughter had not returned home in the past couple of days, Mama Hastings still found the time to drop by the hair salon to attend her weekly appointment. Clearly, Spencer’s mom has invested more energy into finding the right hairdresser than finding her own missing child.
Seriously, dude. WTF HAPPENED TO HIS HAIR!?!? I’m sorry, but this *boy band reject* hairdo wasn’t a good look for anyone even back when The Backstreet Boys were considered relevant to pop culture, which makes it a whole lot sadder that Toby is wearing the exact same outdated hairstyle decades later. Even Nick Carter is too embarrassed to be caught with this haircut in this day and age, y’know? Take a cue, Toby! Take a cue AND a razor!
And I’m sorry, I’m trying my best to concentrate on the plot in this episode…BUT DAT HAIR. I can’t focus on anything else except for Toby’s tragic hairtrocity. Like omg. Is he wearing a hairnet in this picture? His hair looks like somebody put a wet mop on his head but the handle fell off.
Veronica: WREN!? Please! I’d rather stick a knife in the toaster!
Who thinks it’s very telling that Mama Hastings can’t say Wren’s name without suggesting that she wants him to stick something inside her? *ooh la la* Am I reading too much into this comment or is there a #WRERONICA hatemance totally in the cards?
During their sexytimes, I was once again preoccupied with many unanswered questions about TOBY’S HAIR OMG. What if she accidentally messes up his immaculate hairdo as they are getting frisky with each other? Will Toby stop in the middle of intercourse and pull out a comb to make sure every strand of hair stays in place?
Aria’s haunted playlist
1.) Who thinks the Fitzgerald family paid the media to cover up Shana’s death in order to protect the reputation of their theatre? I imagine Mama Fitzgerald must have a lot of *hush money* set aside ever since Ezra started bringing teenage girls to tour the theatre past midnight.
2.) Instead of searching for news stories with Shana’s name, Aria simply referred to her as dat dead girl from Georgia. *lolouch* You’d think Aria might at least remember the name of her first kill, but Shana is nothing more than another notch in her death tally.
Aria: IT DOESN’T MATTER! Somebody is dead, and she’ll never be able to recover or apologize or even graduate from high school because I killed her! I killed her, Emily, and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to live with that!
Is Aria seriously gonna waste her tears and cry over the death of Shana Crazypants? It’s just Shana, let’s not get carried away here, killing her is like killing a pesky little mosquito. Personally, I’d be popping the champagne bottle now that bitch is finally dead, but I guess we all grieve in different ways.
Am I the only one who cringes during all of their scenes and winces at every line of their dialogue together? Partly it’s because they have ZERO romantic chemistry with each other, but mostly it’s because I’m afraid at any given second Mona will *literally* rip out Mike’s heart and start munching on it like the evil demon imp that she is. The most unrealistic part about their relationship is how we’re supposed to believe Mona’s black coal heart is capable of human emotions such as love. AS FRIGGIN’ IF.
I wanna give Alison a hug! *sobs*
Aria: What are you trying to prove, Mona!? Is this a threat!?
Mona: No, it’s a whistle. You put it in between your lips and blow.
lol @ that naughty innuendo~ No need for the explanation. I think Aria already had plenty of oral and diction practice with Mr. Fitz, thank you very much.
Alison: I can’t be that person anymore, Mona. I know you hated me and wanted me to go straight to hell. Going there was easy. It’s coming back that’s hard. But you and me…we understand each other. I need you, Mona, as a friend.
Mona: The truth will bury you in a New York minute. In case you were wondering, that was me, I sent that text. I guess I should’ve signed my name because I don’t have to pretend to be anyone else anymore. I don’t have to hide, you do. And you’re gonna wish you stayed dead.
Also, lololol @ Mona saying that she doesn’t have to *hide* anymore… even though she’s the one who keeps sending sly anonymous text messages and only dares to confront Alison when the two of them are alone together. Mona is so weakbitch.org, sorry~
Kenneth: I just…*chokes back tears* I don’t think I can ever let you out of my sight again. I…um…I can’t give you those years back, Alison, I can’t. But I promise I’ll do everything I can to help you forget them.
The last time we saw Kenneth DiLaurentis back in Season 3, he was a raging old grump who screamed and spat profanities at Hanna. It was kinda nice to see a different side to him, getting all emosh and teary-eyed over his bb girl. Awww~ MAH TEARS ARE FLOWING.
Kenneth: You remember this? I’ve had it in my wallet since the night we lost you. This is the little girl that I refused to let go of.
Me: *shaking and sobbing uncontrollably in a puddle of my own tears and snot*
Alison: I’m sorry, dad~~~
Wrecked 26 years of my parents’ marriage. – Alison can put that on her resume and her guilty conscience. Of course, Papa D is only telling his daughter about the divorce to let her know that he’s now an ~*eligible bachelor*~ on the prowl and Alison will soon get a new stepmother to replace her dead one. Part of me wants him to get into a love triangle with Ashley and Ted, so that Mama Marin will have to choose between her two silver foxes.
Jason vs. the bitchy animal shelter lady
Jason almost seems like an entirely different character this time around. He’s being all brooding and secretive and intimidating and creepy as hell. LOOK AT THE DARK SHADOWS COVERING HALF HIS FACE = OBVIOUS SYMBOLISM FOR JASON BEING A BAD GUY!!!!!
Emily: We knew his whole visit to rehab was a big fat lie. What if he has been following her for weeks!? What if Mrs. D had him tracking herh for months!? Years!? If Ali told the whole truth, her mother would go down. If Mrs. D thought someone just killed her child, who else would she cover for besides her other one?
From what I can tell, Jason’s only crime is that he got the munchies at the wrong time. The man got hungry and ordered food from a New York bakery, which managed to spin into a diabolical conspiracy that has spanned for years~
Jason: MAYBE IT’S TIME PPL STAY THE HELL OUT OF PLACES WHERE THEY DON’T BELONG. THAT INCLUDES YOU.
*Jason drives off*
Emily: Follow him!
Hanna: *freaked out* No, you follow him! I have to change my underwear!
Well, most women tend to drop their panties for Jason DiLaurentis, but not usually in this manner. *lolz*
Hobo: What are you looking for!? Can I help you!?!?
Emily: Uh…I heard there might be a vacancy available for a sublet?
Hobo: A sublet!? Who told you that!? And who are you!? A real estate agent!? GET OUTTA HERE!!!
A sublet!? *lolwut* For a pretty little liar, Emily sure is awful at coming up with believable lies on the spot. Besides, you’re talking to a hobo here, not the goddamn inquisition. Just give this homeless bum the spare change in your pocket and he’ll leave you the fuck alone!
1.) He’s a relatively new character suddenly thrust into the spotlight. (i.e. introduced to be the killer at the end of the season)
2.) He’s a seemingly normal character meant to play on our sympathies. (i.e. the more likable you seem, the guiltier you secretly are)
3.) He gave birth to Alison DiLaurentis. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, ’nuff said~
THREE STRIKES & YOU’RE OUT. DIS MOTHERFUCKER DID IT FOR SURE.
1.) Apparently, Mama DiLaurentis adopted a dog from the animal shelter right before she disappeared. Jason, clearly threatened that there’s another handsome male character in his proximity, wants to get rid of Pepe, but the snarky animal shelter lady tells him there’s a *no refund* policy so they’re stuck with the dog forever, soz~
Jason: My mother didn’t order this!
Kathy: It’s a dog, cowboy. Not a pizza. And yes she did.
Alison: Why was he at the shelter?
Kathy: Oh, he got issues. Mostly with men. *glares at Jason*
Jason: *glares back* Put him back in the van! Now!
OMFG. There’s so much sexual chemistry brewing between Jason and Kathy! Get a room, you two!
Jessica’s body is found
P.S. By the way, do you guys realize that Ashley is technically unemployed now that her boss is dead? lol sux2beugurl~
1.) Jessica adopts a dog from the animal shelter.
2.) Jessica sends an email message saying “I can’t protect you anymore”.
3.) Jessica ends up dead, and her body is dug up by the same dog that she had been trying to ~*protect*~.
HMMMM. All the puzzle pieces are coming together now. *strokes chin* I’m not a detective, but I think we have a pretty clear-cut case right here. The real killer has to be that bitchy animal shelter lady we met earlier in the episode. HOW DARE YOU NOT ADOPT PEPE!? LET’S SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT WHEN I PUT YOU DOWN!!! *whacks*
1.) I’m actually super sad that Alison’s mom is dead! I really enjoyed her character and I was hoping PLL would pull off one of their notorious *lol jk~ she’s not dead for realsies* stunts, but no luck.
2.) Unfortunately, Lady Grunwald must not have activated her ~*psychic*~ abilities this time around and couldn’t rescue Mama DiLaurentis from her underground burial. Where IS that freaky Ravenswood bitch anyway? She’s probably sitting in the drawing room at that creepy funeral parlour of hers, sipping a cup of tea, and quietly chuckling to herself as a human life passes away no thanks to her. I thought Mrs. Grunwald had The Sixth Sense??? WHAT A FRAUD.
I guess Aria must feel *desensitized* to dead corpses now that she already claimed a life with her bare hands. Meh, it’s just another dead body during another typical day in Aria’s life, no biggie~
We shall conclude this recap with a ~*death haiku*~ dedicated to Jessica DiLaurentis:
She watched her child die
Tell no one, just bury her
Mother of the year