OMG. It’s the Season 5 premiere recap of Pretty Little Liars! Will Ezra survive his fatal bullet wound? Has Shana switched allegiances yet again? And who exactly is that girl wearing the atrocious wig?
Oh wait…what do you mean Ezra is still alive? Are you telling me that he survived the fatal bullet wound and it didn’t kill him instantly on the spot? FUCK DAT CONTRIVED SHITE. I thought we finally got rid of the bastard for good! I demand a redo! Give me that loaded gun! I’ll finish what A started!!!
Will Ezra survive!?
Alison: Maybe he didn’t find us. I think he was following A.
Aria: And A was following us! This is what you were always so afraid of, that we’d lead A to you!
Alison: Aria, you know why Ezra is still looking for me. It’s because he wants to win you back. Does he still have a chance?
I love how Ezra is in critical condition at the hospital right now, but Alison still thinks this is a totally appropriate time to have a kiki with Aria and gossip about boys. ARIA, PLZ SPECIFY UR RELATIONSHIP STATUS B4 WE PROCEED 2 THE EMERGENCY ROOM. WE NEED AN URGENT EZRIA UPDATE.
There’s some seriously disturbing revisionism happening with Ezra in this episode. Alison in particular has been putting him on a pedestal, singing his praises to high heavens, and celebrating Ezra basically everywhere she goes. Um, I don’t understand why he’s considered the *good guy* all of a sudden? Just because he was stupid enough to jump in front of a loaded gun, that doesn’t absolve him from all of the shitty things he had done in the past! HE EXPLOITED ARIA TO WRITE A GODDAMN BOOK. #stillacreep #neverforget
Aria: So far, I’m blending in. But I think with the five of us, that might be like waving a red flag.
Aria’s idea of blending in involves wrapping twenty scarves around her neck. One of them is, of course, covered in leopard prints. Maybe Aria thinks she can blend in and disappear if she just cloaks herself with scarves from head to toe?
A arranges a flash mob
Let’s also address the fact that riding on top of an ambulance is now considered a viable transportation method. After all, you haven’t truly lived until you’ve gone ~*ambulance surfing*~. YOLO MOMENT.
Their choice of reading materials:
Spencer: *reading an in-depth scientific article about diabetes*
Emily: *reading an in-depth medical article for her father’s heart condition*
Hanna: WHERE R ALL THE TABLOIDS & CELEB MAGS???
Spencer: *glorious nerd* A wise commander takes measures to always let his opponents react to the wrong side of circumstances! And in 400 B.C…
Hanna: OKAY STFU. We get it, we’re decoys!
A wise commander also takes measures not to align herself with imbeciles who have no intellectual curiosity. Keep making nerdy historic references and don’t let your idiot friends pressure you, Spencer!
Spencer: You’ve read Sun-Tzu!?
You can tell Alison is bluffing here, because she only smiles smugly and doesn’t have any witty retort, which means she’s totally talking out of her ass and has no idea who da fuq Sun-Tzu is. We all know Alison has a tendency to pretend that she reads sophisticated books, but secretly looks up the Wikipedia summary when she thinks nobody is watching. *lol* She probably knows that some guy named Sun-Tzu wrote some book called ‘The Art of War’……and that’s the extent of her knowledge.
Nightlife is buzzin’ and the streets are packed with people at this time of night, which makes it even more ridiculous that nobody noticed there’s a weirdo in a black hoodie and a hockey mask running after a frantic teenage girl. Or maybe they noticed and just decided not to care? These New Yorkers are either really unobservant or really uncompassionate.
A: *creepy whisper* Wanna play???
What a strange choice of words for a threat lol~ I almost expected A to pull out a Nintendo 3DS and challenge Alison to a Pokemon battle or something. By the way, A’s voice sounds like somebody dipped his vocal cords into the sewage dump. It’s almost like sandpaper being scratched together. When you hear his voice, you think a dead rodent must have died inside his throat, that’s what A sounds like!
Spencer: Did you really think we’d let Alison leave alone?
Hanna: I guess you don’t read Sun Tzu, bitch!
I’m guessing Hanna didn’t read Sun Tzu either, nor did she even know about whatshisface until earlier tonight, so maybe she’s not in the best position to throw sticks and stones.
Mona forms an anti-Alison resistance group
Needless to say, I love how Alison isn’t officially back yet and Mona is already rallying the troops, marking her territory, and plotting combat tactics in the war room. Even Sun Tzu is in awe of her military prowess and going like: “Teach me everything you know, Great War Commander Mona!!!”
Mona: Well, maybe you should be. She’s not even back yet and she already found a way to break up you and Emily. There’s no way Ali is gonna let you guys be a couple.
LOLPWNT PAIGE. While we’re on the subject of Paige, I’m surprised she stuck around for another season instead of disappearing into the dark void of forgotten love interests forever. Her character has been kinda boring and irrelevant for a while now, so I don’t know what else she can bring to the show anymore. She’s too nice and normal, y’know? Part of me hopes that PLL will unscrew all of her character development by turning Paige into the raving psychotic bitch that we all know and love. Psycho Paige needs to rise again and live up to her legacy!
I was surprised the three of them didn’t act on their primitive instincts and come to blows on the spot. I expected Paige to headbutt Melissa while Mona scratched and slashed her face out with her claws. You can’t put these many corrosive personalities and volatile lunatics together in one room without expecting them to attack each other like caged animals. Paige, Mona, and Melissa are like the three crazy hyenas that will rip out each other’s throats right after they ripped out Alison’s together!
MOAR MELISSA MELODRAMA
Melissa has been DOING THE MOST with her constant melodrama and her fake ass crocodile tears and her wild bipolar mood swings. This bitch is at it again with her sudden personality whiplashes and I just can’t deal with her brand of theatrics. How can someone go from lashing out hateful bile towards Alison to sobbing about some random girl who died within the span of five seconds? GURRRRL. WHAT A HOT MESS.
That evening, Officer Holbrook visits the Hastings to give them an update on their latest botched police investigation, and Melissa was suddenly like IMMA GONNA CONFESS!!! but then Papa Hastings immediately walks up behind her and goes like BITCH DON’T YOU EVEN DARE!!! *clamps onto your shoulder*
CeCe escapes in an atrocious wig
I notice little moments like these and I always feel a pang of sympathy for Alison. Aww, poor thing.
Spencer: Is it just me or does it already feel like she’s shutting us out again?
Hanna: Shh! She can hear you!
Spencer: She’s sleeping.
Hanna: She’s Ali!
The mafia rule is to sleep with your eyes closed but with both ears open. Spencer might think her friend is sleeping, but Alison totally knows that they’re talking smack about her. Does anyone sense there’ll be an EXPLOSIVE FEUD between Alison and Spencer somewhere down the line? These two bitches are gonna duke it out and I’m already giddy with anticipation over the fallout!
Spencer: When was the last time you guys had a hobby?
Hanna: Never. I wouldn’t mind taking up a sport though.
Emily: Which one?
Hanna: Hmm, I dunno. I always liked Spencer’s field hockey skirt.
Can you imagine Hanna Marin playing any type of sport? She’d probably throw her field hockey stick at her opponent out of sheer frustration and get banned halfway during the match! Maybe a less physical sport is more suitable for Hanna. Isn’t *competitive shopping* considered an Olympic sport nowadays? Your starting line is the mall entrance and your baton is your credit card. Hanna would be an ace athlete at that activity for sure.
Spencer: Um…I wouldn’t wanna go back to the person I was before. You know, all I cared about was winning. And now I just really wanna be happy.
Whoa. This conversation suddenly took a very REAL and very SERIOUS turn. Oh my god, Spencer. Nobody asked you to bare your soul and share your deepest innermost thoughts. I think Emily just wanted to know which high school sport you’d rather play! *awks*
1.) CeCe reveals her plan to flee the country and become an international criminal superstar! So, Alison pulled a few strings, contacted a couple of her gangster friends, and voila! CeCe has now assumed the fake identity of Vivian Darkbloom and obtained the legal paperwork to leave forever. It’s kind of a stretch since CeCe hardly looks like that chick in the passport photo, but I guess the airport security was too polite to look closely at her and go like: “Oh dear, Miss Darkbloom! You haven’t aged well at all!”
My version of Miss Darkbloom’s backstory is that she was born as the privileged daughter of a wealthy American aristocrat, but she rebelled against her father and lost all of her trust fund money to an early teenage gambling problem. She travelled to the glamorous city of New York seeking fame and fortune, but what she ended up doing instead was seduce a business tycoon, swindle all the money out of him, and now she’s heading to France to escape her debts. Or at least that’s what her *femme fatale outfit* says about her life story!
5.) Ezra did pay money to CeCe, but it was only to buy information for his goddamn book.
6.) CeCe was pretending to be Red Coat last season, but only because Alison told her to distract A while she saved her friends in Ravenswood.
Wow, I’m so glad Pretty Little Liars dumped all of this plot exposition onto us right before they write off CeCe’s character forever! It’s not like they could’ve organically showed us these important events and explained the character motives as they took place! Oh well, I guess I shouldn’t be bitching about the show, at least they finally cared enough to tie up some loose ends.
Alison: CeCe killed a cop, Em! And part of why she did that was for me. Look, she gets busted boarding that plane, my face is on the passport. That makes me an accessory. And now you know about it, that makes you one too.
Emily is freaked out after learning this because up until now, her only knowledge of accessories is the giant colourful saucers that Aria often wore with her outfits. Nonetheless, Emily doesn’t reveal what Alison told her in confidence and now she’s also keeping secrets from the other liars, which kinda validates Spencer’s point that Alison is trying to break up their group by turning them against each other. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, ALI! WELL-PLAYED!
Ezra’s midnight rendezvous
I think it’s very telling that after CeCe’s escape, Officer Holbrook believes his main priority is to inform the Hastings family about his incompetence as a police detective, rather than actually go out there and invest his energy into finding CeCe himself. SORRY MRS. HASTINGS, BUT THERE’S A MURDERER ON THE LOOSE DUE TO MY NEGLIGENCE AND NOW YOUR MISSING DAUGHTER IS IN DANGER. LOLWHOOPS. JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW.
1.) Why is there a picture of a DOG when you type ‘Ezra Fitz’ into a search engine??? Did somebody name their dog after Ezra? Or was Ezra actually named after a famous dog? I need to know more about the dog version of Ezra Fitz ASAP!
2.) Also from the search results: Did you know there’s a guy named Ezra von Fitz? Apparently, he’s a famous clockmaker! There’s another guy called Edgar Fitz who translates contemporary literature from Latin America. Maybe when Ezra finally publishes his memoir about Alison, his doppelganger Edgar can help him translate the bok overseas!
Surprise, surprise! Alison immediately liked Ezra more as soon as she found out that his family fortune is worth beyond billions. *lmao* His likability has a direct correlation to his net worth.
Alison: God! Imagine being up here with all those people out there who love you!
Ezra: I think that’s called admiration, not love.
It’s funny that Alison mentions God in her statement because I’m pretty sure He has a clear idea of being up there with all those people who love Him. *lol* In fact, there has to be a Freudian explanation to why she mentioned God’s name before she announced her ambition, it probably has something to do with her ~*god complex*~.
Ezra: You really are my Holly Golightly.
Alison: Who? *giggle giggle*
Your pick-up lines need work, bro! I’m sorry, I try to give Ezra a second chance to redeem himself, but when he says shit like that, I just wanna kick sand into this douche’s face.
I think it’s VERY TELLING that the janitor got nervous and apologetic when he saw Ezra in the theatre with his jailbait date. That poor guy couldn’t wait to get outta there fast enough. I’m guessing this was not the first time Mr. Fitzgerald had brought an underage companion to tour the family theatre set after dark. There must be a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy for all the employees working here. Bill the Janitor probably has a lot of unspeakable stories about what he saw with the Fitzgerald family and their midnight indiscretions.
Shana goes berserk
*Shana makes a random cameo once again*
Aria: Shana!? What are you doing here!?
Shana: Alison sent me here to keep you company! You look tired, go to sleep! Don’t worry, your boyfriend will still be alive by the time you wake-
Aria: ZZZzzz… *already dozing off before Shana can finish her sentence*
Aria: Is my Ezra-poo okay!? Why didn’t you wake me!?
Shana: He’s fine, don’t worry! Go back to sleep! He’s safe with me! It’s not like I’m gonna swap his pills with cyanide or anything like that, teeheehee!
*Ezra’s heart system immediately starts failing*
Shana: lolwhoops~ how did that happen? Oh dear me~
I guess we should have seen it coming. This bitch is infamous for switching sides over and over again until we’re all confused. First she switches towns. Then she switches schools. Then she switches personalities. Then she switches girlfriends. Then she switches friends. Then she switches from being Alison’s best ally to Alison’s worst enemy. And now she even switches hairstyles! I AM SO CONFUSED BY YOU, SHANA SWITCHEROO!!!
P.S. Shana actually stole the gun from Aria’s jacket while she dozed off at the hospital. lmao ariafail you snooze you lose~
Shana: I got so many answers from all the people you’ve hurt. Even your own mother is afraid of you.
Emily: omfg just calm your tits and-
Shana: *points gun* GET BACK OR I’LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!!!
Holylol, Shana is so fucking nuts. I thought she was just bitchy and shady before, but I didn’t know she was capable of so much ~*collateral damage*~ until now! As often with this show, I already love Shana’s character way more now that she’s a homicidal maniac who wields a gun and she’s not afraid to use it!
Of course, the thing with Jenna is that she never has to lift a single finger to wipe the blood off her enemies’ bodies, because she always sends one of her many disposable minions to do her dirty work instead. First Garrett and now Shana. She must have trained her lapdogs well enough to pledge their loyalties and sacrifice their own lives in her honour. Once they outlived their usefulness and sexual value for Jenna, she just sends her royal bodyguards on suicide missions against her worst enemies!
Shana: You have no idea who she is. What did you call her once, Ali!? A happy accident!?
Alison: Jenna doesn’t love you, Shana! She’s playing you! That’s what she does!
Shana: No, that’s what you do!!!
Can we please acknowledge the fact that Jenna managed to turn Alison’s childhood playmate & lifelong best friend against her!?!? Shana and Alison knew each other for over a decade, and yet Jenna was still able to undermine years of friendship and used her deadly powers of seduction to lull Shana into the dark side. I assure you that’s no easy feat, and it only confirms what we already know about her character: JENNA MARSHALL IS THE ULTIMATE QUEEN.
Okay, I’m just gonna say what we’re all thinking at this exact moment. What does PLL have against the black people in their cast? Like really, you couldn’t keep the only prominent black character alive for more than two seasons!? You kill one black person, fine, it’s equal opportunity. You kill two of them, it’s considered a strange coincidence. But you kill all three, well, it’s starting to look more and more like racial discrimination. This show is NOT a ~*safe space*~ for our brothers and sisters from the African American community. Meanwhile, yet another white girl is very much still alive and she’s off gallivanting across the world in a bad wig. I just don’t understand why CeCe gets to live while Shana has to die a gruesome death.
Let Shana not die in vain, but use her death to recognize the real enemies. The evils of Alison DiLaurentis and her merry crew may have triumphed this time, but #Justice4Jenna shall be accomplished through our sheer persistence and steely determination! As we await Queen Jenna’s next orders, rest assured that she will emerge victorious in the war against the pretty little liars on the final day of justice. Until then…ALL HAIL QUEEN JENNA.