Ahem. Sorry, that was a totally inappropriate way to begin the recap. BUT JAKE’S BODY THO. LORD HAVE MERCY. God may have created the mountains and the valleys and the rivers and the forests, but our saviour clearly saved his most divine efforts crafting Jake’s body to perfection. Just look at that shirtless son of a bitch, he’s like a goddamn bronze statue. Those shoulders! Those biceps! Those pecs! And those abs! Oh my god, Jake’s magnificient abs!!! Those things look like they were ***CARVED*** into his body! I wanna lick ’em and gnaw on ’em like it’s beef jerky!
SHIRTLESS JAKE ALERT
(BTW, I apologize for all the lewd comments. Recap Everything is a family friendly blog, so I shall refrain from describing my fantasies where I’m being ravished by Jake on a canopy bed with rose petals and maple syrup all over our bodies.)
(BTW2, can you believe Pretty Little Liars managed to keep him clothed for this long? If it was up to me, his first scene would have been: “Hi Aria, I’m Jake! *disrobes* Ta-da!”)
AND I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE THAT SOMEBODY IS **FIDDLING** WITH THEIR COOCH. I mean, seriously, please look at Aria’s hand placement and tell me that she isn’t pleasuring herself openly on her front porch!!! Gurrrl, that is too much! I’m not judging Aria tho and I would be doing the exact same thing if I can trade places with her.
Aria: I’m on my way, I have to say bye to Jake. After everything that happened last night, I didn’t want to stay alone. Spencer: BOW CHICKA BOW WOW~
Aria: WHAT!? No, he slept on my couch!
Not that there’s anything wrong with Aria keeping this relationship super casual & no strings attached. I’m all for it! Sometimes, a girl simply wants to hook up with a hot guy and not go through the boring relationship crap that couples have to do together. Don’t go hatin’ on Aria just because she’s a playa, baby~
Aria: Uh, that was Spencer, I have to go meet her.
Jake: Now? I thought we could grab some breakfast at The Grill?
Aria: She’s helping me cram for this history test sooo…
In other words, hurry up and take the walk of shame you schmuck~~~ Of course, the last time Spencer had anything to do with a history quiz, boxer shorts were dropped and loose bras were coming off, so this is actually the perfect occasion where you’d want Jake around!
Jake: So, is your dad coming home tonight?
Jake: I just want to make sure you’re not home alone again.
Aria: Um yeah, we’re gonna have a family movie night tonight.
Aria: Well! I should probably go! But thanks again for last night!
Cringing at all the morning-after awkwardness here! What is worse? Aria being all “Thank you kindly for your lovely company in my boudoir last evening~” or Jake being all “You’re very welcome. Try again tonight?” These two should, like, simply make out and never attempt at conversations again.
When Ezra told Aria that she should see other people, he probably never expected her to rebound to *THAT* piece of primetime man meat. His ex-girlfriend hasn’t just moved on from Ezra, she was moving WAYYYY UP as well! Seeing them together must be eating Ezra alive because his jealousy stems from feeling inferior to Jake in every way. No family baggage! No taboo teacher-student relationship! No spray-on abs! I almost feel sorry for Ezra when you compare him to Jake. Hey, what can I say? Some people got it, some people don’t!
Maggie: I’m not going to leave my son behind, Ezra! He needs to be with his mother!
Ezra: And it’s equally important for him to spend time with his father!
Maggie: Yes, but I was the one who has been there for him for the past seven years!
FERREAL BITCH!? YOU WANNA GO THERE??? Did I mention how much I hate Maggie? Like, you have to try really hard for me to take Ezra’s side in an argument, but this Maggie bitch seriously does my head in. I hated her stank ass long before all the dirty skeletons came tumbling out her closet, but don’t worry we’ll annihilate her character in the next recap. For now, let’s just hate her for taking Ezra’s son away from him…again!
Anyway, Ezra is hoping to seek paternity rights over Malcolm, or at least pry his son away from the evil clutches of Maggie. Why anyone would want custody of such an annoying little hellbeast is beyond me. But Veronica warns him: *ya this custody battle will leave permanent emotional & psychological scars on ur son* and Ezra was like: *sounds fun! i’m all in~*
Pastor Ted is a RICH BITCH
Veronica: Previously on Pretty Little Liars! Mona made a full confession. Did you girls put her up for this? Thinking it would somehow help Ashley?
Spencer: Of course not! We would never do anything that stupid!
Without missing a cue, the camera immediately cuts over to the dumbfounded expression on Hanna’s face. PFFFT WHAT DO THE HASTINGS KNOW ABOUT LAW!? FAKE MURDER CONFESSION = INSTANT ACQUITTAL! THAT’S HOW OUR LEGAL SYSTEM WORKS! [the world according to Hanna]
(The only plausible explanation is this – Tanner: “DO NOT DISTURB ME WITH BENIGN MATTERS SUCH AS MURDER CONFESSIONS, YOU LOWLY CRETIN! I HAVE AN IMPORTANT PEDICURE THAT I MUST ATTEND TO!” Holbrook: “I’m the one doing her pedicure, so I’m busy too!”)
Police: *incredulous* You snuck out of a mental institution?
Mona: Many times.
lol so much monaownage~ Deal with it, mister! The interrogation consists of Mona trolling the police hardcore, but she also turned up the waterworks and used crocodile tears to make her bullshit more believable. YES YES IT WAS ME. I AM THE HELPLESS DAME WHO MUST GIVE THIS CONFESSION OUT OF THE PURE GOODNESS IN MY HEART. *sniffies* I DID NOT BECOME A TRAGIC MURDERESS BY CHOICE, BUT WILDEN MADE THREATS SO I HAD TO KILL HIM. IF ANYTHING, I WAS THE REAL VICTIM HERE.
One moment ago: *sobbing hysterically about how killing Detective Wilden was the most traumatizing thing ever* Immediately after: STONE. COLD. MOTHERFUCKER.
It was funny how Veronica delivers the good news in the worst possible way: “YAY FREEDOM!!!!! …but oh the bail set is at a million dollars so good luck getting all that money bitch~ btw here’s a five dollar bill that I stole from the church’s donation box to contribute to your fund!”
Two possible explanations here: a.) Mama Hastings and Mama Marin might be friends, but Veronica is clearly better friends with her bank account & b.) Veronica must think Ashley is a guilty murderoo, so she’s doing the morally correct thing by keeping her in prison where she belongs.
Ted: You need to have faith. Things will work out, okay?
Hanna: I don’t need faith. I need money.
Truer words have never been spoken~~~ This is totally my new mantra in life from now on.
Veronica: It’ll beep every once in a when it links to the satellite, but you’ll get used to it!
Ashley: I assure you it’s not something I will get used to.
Bwhahaha, did you catch the sly dig from Mama Hastings that Mama Marin immediately picked up on? No bitch, I ain’t getting used to this ankle monitor so you better do your job and guarantee me a non-guilty verdict!
1.) Wait, hold up! Are pastors supposed to be that loaded? I’m so naive, I never thought pastoring was a rich person’s job, but clearly that profession is bringing in some MAJOR DOUGH if Pastor Ted happens to have $100,000 spare cash lying around! Like whoa, I need to snag me a rich pastor boyfriend immediately! I have bills to pay!
2.) IS GOD RICH??? Maybe Pastor Ted prayed real hard and the big man upstairs dropped a few gold bricks as a reward for his good faith?
4.) Oh my god, did you see that glowering look when he hugged Ashley!?!? She was like *I DIN’NT KILL HIM* and he was like *GURL I KNOW YOU DIN’NT* and O-M-G I was literally waiting for him to finish the sentence with “…because I was the one who killed him!” Folks, I think we found our new number one suspect and the real killer in this investigation! Pastor Ted is a SINNER!!!
I also think Ashley would be a fool to let this guy slip through her fingers. Pastor Ted is kind, generous, clearly enamoured with her, and did I mention his millionaire fortune??? This type of perfect husband material won’t come more than once in a lifetime, so she needs to marry the shit out of him immediately! And after he paid off her $100,000 bail, I hope Ashley rewarded him with a lengthy blowjob or clasping her hands over his penis in some form of kinky sexual prayer, because I mean the guy deserves at least THAT.
AND STOP SMILING SO SINISTERLY, MONA! WE GET IT, WE KNOW HOW EVIL YOU ARE. STOP IT, YOU ARE MAKING MY SOUL SHRIVEL.
Emily’s shitty birthday
Of course, we simply cannot mention gold medallists without giving a shout-out to our precious PLL icon, Missy Franklin. Gurrrrl, bring home some more gold medals at Rio ’16!
Paige: You can take a year off and train! And spend the next four years doing what you love with the person that you love!
The first time I watched the episode, I misheard Paige say: “doing what you love AND the person that you love” and I was like that sweet sentiment just took on a whole different meaning!
Dominic: We work out six days a week. Four hours in the pool, one hour of weight training. I also monitor how much you eat, drink, and sleep.
NOOO PUT DOWN THAT EXTRA BOTTLE OF MINERAL WATER, MISSY FRANKLIN!!! I FORBID YOU TO DRINK MORE THAN THE SPECIFIED AMOUNT IN MY CURRICULUM! YOU ARE RISKING ALL YOUR OLYMPIC DREAMS WITH THAT EXCESSIVE WATER DRINKING!!!
What made Paige think this was a good birthday present? My gift to you is a harsh reality check reminding you that you can never swim competitively again, happy birthday! And she made sure not to mention the shoulder injury to Dominic beforehand just so Emily could experience the humiliation first-hand. LOL PAIGE FAIL.
Prompted by the most inappropriate social cue ever, everyone else jumps out of their hiding spots at that moment. Emily was like and Paige was also like and the other people were all smiles while doing that ‘W’ thing with their arms. You see, Paige had been planning a surprise birthday party for Emily all along, except it wasn’t quite the reaction she was hoping for. I thought you might like to celebrate after hearing all your dreams & aspirations are dead! LOL ANOTHER PAIGE FAIL.
Paige: I am going to Stanford University, therefore you must also go to Stanford with me! It is your destiny, chosen one!
Emily: …wut kind of logic is dis?
Since neither of them is willing to put any effort into making this relationship work after high school, they’re like *k let’s break up*. Emily starts crying about this, and then Paige starts crying about this, and then I start crying about this, and pretty soon we were all crying hysterically and it was like a super emotional moment for all three of us!
Of course, there’s a much easier solution to all this relationship drama… If Paige really loved Emily as much as she says she does, then she shouldn’t mind giving up her precious scholarship to Stanford University! I mean, there might be a problem since Paige probably already changed her legal name to Paige McCullers-Stanford but sometimes you have to make important ~*sacrifices*~ in a relationship! Do it, Paige! Please give up on your Stanford dreams for the name of love!!!
Aria is not impressed
ARIA IS NOT IMPRESSED WITH THIS HUMAN.
Aria: Jake’s here. I lied to him about what I was doing tonight. He’s over there with that blonde WITH GIRAFFE LEGS. I don’t even recognize her. Who is that!? Huh, they certainly look cozy. He’s clearly enjoying it. Look at him.
LMAO. Aria is speaking like a ~*scorned woman*~ who was unforgivably wronged by her man. Seeing her on full bitchy attack mode is so much fun. I especially love when she’s like this: *head tilt* *arms crossed* *dagger eyes*
Aria: What? And interrupt the flirtfest? No. *scoffs*
Aria’s mentality: “Why would I go confront Jake when I can just stand here and spitefully judge him from a distance?”
Spencer: Are you forgetting he spent last night on your couch?
Aria: Yeah, but he came to the party with her!
Spencer: I thought you weren’t that into him?
Aria: I’m not!
Aria’s mentality: “I AM NOT INTERESTED IN KARATE JAKE BUT NOBODY ELSE CAN HAVE HIM EITHER.”
Aria: OMG. With everything going on, I **TOTALLY** spaced out about Emily’s party!
Jake: Aria, you don’t have to lie.
Aria: No, I didn’t lie!
Jake: It’s not like you had to invite me. We’re not dating.
Aria: It completely slipped my mind, honestly!
LMAOOOOOHHHH. DIS COMPULSIVE LYIN’ BITCH. She lied to Jake, then she got caught, and then she remained in denial about ever lying in the first place. Why, I never lied! *offended at the allegations* How can this bitch look at Jake straight in the eye and maintain her innocence when there isn’t a single honest word out of her mouth!?
Jake: The name’s Kim.
Aria: She’s pretty. You know, if you’re into the tall statuesque model type.
Jake: You okay?
Aria: Yeah, I’m perfect! The two of you have been having a great time together.
Aria is so bitchy, hehe. Let’s break down her behaviour, shall we? She’s clearly being the biggest jealous betty ever, but doesn’t want to admit her jealousy to Jake, so she just keeps needling him with these bitchy jabs to make sure he knows how jealous she really is. This is a really unpleasant side to Aria that we are seeing here, but I secretly love it. The bitchier the better!
Basically yes. To be fair, I don’t think even Aria knows what she wants sometimes. She’s a bit of a mess emotionally. *lol*
Jake: You’re not jealous?
Aria: Why would I be? We’re not dating.
Basically, this conflict comes down to how Aria sees Jake as a booty call, but she wants him as her *EXCLUSIVE* booty call. I mean, she does want a slice of Jake, but only when she’s in the mood for vanilla. Aria treats men like she’s dining at the buffet table. Sometimes she’d like to try out one flavour and then she’d like to taste another dish. But it’s HER personal buffet, so hands off HER men!
Aria: Where’s Kim?
Jake: OMG Aria! Kim’s just a friend!
Emily: This is awkward. Should I go?
Aria: *blah blah blah blah!*
Jake: *blah blah blah blah!*
Emily: …oh, okay then. *quietly slinks away*
JENNA LIVES AGAIN!!!
Jenna: I SEE EVERYTHING THAT I NEED TO.
A lot of people would just say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to that question, but Queen Jenna has to deliver her answer in the most epic way possible. Anyway, the pretty little liars hunt her down at the birthday party to ask her whether Alison is still alive. Of course, this is Jenna who never gives a straight answer to any question, so she simply tells those girls to *FOAD* and doesn’t tell them anything. Suck it, pretty little liars!
1.) I hate to say this, but Emily thought the corpse was Spencer’s at first, so that’s why she was in such a hurry to rescue her friend. Had she known it was Jenna… I mean, Emily is a Good Person, so she’d rescue her anyway. But maybe her response would be along the lines of *oh lemme take off my shoes first* or *hmmm lemme tie up my hair so it doesn’t get wet* before running out into the water.
2.) With that said, I love how one of the liars managed to save Jenna’s life once again. Our brave little liars are so heroic~
Luckily for us, all Pretty Little Liars characters come with nine lives so Jenna still have a few more health potions left in her inventory. Besides, Jenna Marshall is pretty much an immortal creature. You try to kill her in an explosion? SURVIVED! You try to drown her in the lake? SURVIVED! The killer might be tough, but our Queen Jenna is even tougher. Stay strong Jenna, I believe you will outlive the pretty little liars and The A Team too!
Shana: Alison!? SHE’S DEAD!
Spencer: Then who is Jenna so afraid of!?
Shana: Cece Drake.
This season, there has been a ridiculous number of times where the characters shift all the blame either on Detective Wilden or Cece Drake. It’s like any time something bad happened, it always comes down to one of those two names. “Hey, who stole the cookie from the cookie jar!? Wilden did it! Cece did it! They’re the guilty ones, but I’m totally innocent!” Poor Cece hasn’t even made one appearance on this season so far, yet she’s being made into the biggest scapegoat ever. She’s not even here to defend her reputation! It’s so unfair!
Aria tells Jake that her life is complicated so she may not be ready for another serious relationship, and Jake says nothing interesting as usual, but they still make up and make out anyway because why not?
UGH, NOT IMPRESSED.