Hanna: I’m going to confess to killing Detective Wilden!
Hanna’s fake murder confession OMFG
Is there somewhere we can donate a *brain* for this terminally stupid girl to stop her from making these terrible life decisions? At this point, I won’t be surprised if Hanna shoots a random police officer just to keep up her lie & prove that she’s capable of killing Detective Wilden. That’s some serious Hanna logic right there.
Just when you think she couldn’t get any dumber, the walking human disaster strikes again! But truth be told, if I could choose between them, I’d probably do a *prison swap* and put Hanna behind bars (can you imagine if Hanna’s next love interest after Caleb is her prison cellmate???) while Ashley gets to roam free and continue her endless crime spree (killing Detective Wilden was only the beginning. Next stop: FBI’S MOST WANTED LIST, BABY~)
Hanna: Hey Mona, you’re going to help me with my confession!
Mona: Why me?
Hanna: Because this is going to be the biggest lie I’ve ever told. I need you to make it sound perfect. Me, Spencer, the others…we all tell lies, but you’re the only one who actually knows how to live in a lie.
Hanna couldn’t ask anybody else because every sane person would be like *omfg u dumbass* whereas Mona is the only one crazy enough to go like *o this sounds chaotic & crack so i’m obviously in~ *
Hanna: I can’t let my mom go to prison!
Mona: I mean, talking to me. Suppose I’m the one who actually set up your mother?
LMAO. I love how Mona tried to pose this as a ~*hypothetical*~ scenario when we all know it’s the 100% truth. Suppose I’m the one who planted fake evidence & framed your mom, hehe! Gurrrrl, Mona is laying it on a little bit thick, isn’t she? Ironically, Hanna is still oblivious even after Mona outright admitted to the crime. Hello Hanna, the real culprit is sitting in front of you and she just told you what happened!!!
1.) First of all, how many people do you know can actually *coach* and *consult* somebody else on how to commit a murder? Like what the serious fuck. Maybe a FBI profiler or a seasoned criminal would have the expertise, but even they aren’t as knowledgeable as Mona. She’s like some kind of diabolical teenage mastermind who wrote the advanced manual on how to kill a bitch. She wrote the entire manual, she wrote all the guidelines, and she even wrote the fucking glossary. This bitch is a real professional and she deserves some mad kudos~~~
Mona: What do you think you’re doing here?
Hanna: I’m the one who killed Detective Wilden. I did it.
Mona: *rolls eyes* Go home, little girl. You’re just trying to save your mother.
Hanna: No, she’s just trying to take the blame. I did it!
Mona: YOU CAN’T JUST KEEP REPEATING I DID IT!!! YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM HOW YOU DID IT AND WHY YOU DID IT.
Oh my god, Mona is taking this confession *SO SERIOUSLY* lol~ And listening to her shout “Go home, little girl!” towards Hanna: I DIED. I just about died from laughter!
Hanna: Okay, what the hell kind of question is that!?!?
Mona: The sort of question that’ll let them know if you’re lying or if you’re telling the truth! Make me believe you were there! Tell me what you did!
Mona is sooooo fucking sick and twisted, oh my god!!! Normally saying “I shot another human being” is gruesome enough for a murder confession, but this morbid bitch wants to hear ALL the vivid details, including how the blood splattered over her face when she blew out Detective Wilden’s brains! Good lord! I won’t be surprised if Mona gets her kicks when she’s sexually fantasizing about murdering other people. Like holy shit, this bitch is DARRRRRK.
Mona: He hurt your mom. He wants to hurt you. He has all the power. Nobody is going to help you. You’re the only one in the world that can do anything about it. You’re all alone out there. Bugs are getting in your hair. And the lake smells like something died in it. What happened next!?
Mona: TWO, HANNA. YOU SHOT HIM TWICE.
Hanna: Oh sorry. *bang bang*
holyshit @ Mona’s first-person account of the story. She got every nitty gritty detail nailed down, including how many times Detective Wilden was shot. Bitch ain’t playin’ around!
Hanna: If my mom doesn’t get out of jail, I have to move in with my dad, his wife, her blonde tarantula of a daughter, so compared to that, talking to Mona makes all the sense in the world!
In other words, Hanna went through all this trouble just because she’d rather rot in a prison cell than share living quarters with Isabel & Kate.
Caleb: Hanna doesn’t move on. She goes right through. Don’t you, Mona?
Mona: I don’t have the slightest inkling of what you’re talking about.
I don’t think Caleb understood what he said either, and probably just blurted out the first comeback that his brain could process. But hey, it sounded like an insult so that’s good enough for me~ *lol*
And this is why I love Caleb. He took the exact words out of my mouth. I’m so glad he delivered some home truths to his girlfriend. Seriously, the most incredulous part about Hanna’s whole scheme is that she thinks she’s smart enough to pull it off. GURRRRRRL. This dumb ho can’t even get her times tables straight without mixing up the numbers, so I don’t have faith that she can confess to a murder without majorly fucking up. Hanna wouldn’t be able to utter a single word before Lt. Tanner pounced and ate her for breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, and then breakfast again. Hanna Marin – know your limitations, girl!
Who saw that coming, huh? This was a pretty good twist if only because Hanna confessing = COMPLETELY STUPID yet Mona confessing = COMPLETELY CRAZY, which is always more entertaining to watch.
1.) FUCK. YEAH. WHAT A BALLER~~~ Seriously, who’s ballsy enough to come strutting into the precinct and outright confessing to killing a police detective? And unlike Hanna, this bitch is actually *clever* and *devious* enough to get away with such an outrageous lie. Oh Hanna, you silly goose, just take a motherfucking seat and let Mona show you how it’s done!
2.) MONA VANDERWAAL = DIVINE MAGNIFICENT GODDESS WORTHY OF OUR DAILY WORSHIP AND ETERNAL ADMIRATION. I’m a total Mona ~*believer*~ after watching this episode, so I’m fully aboard her crazy train wherever it might take me. You go, girl!
Maybe…just maybe…Hanna Marin is a secret genius who knows EXACTLY what she’s doing! Sorry Mona, but it looks like you just got *played* by the ultimate *playa*~~~
Emily reunites with her old lesbian flame
Anyway, it’s hard to focus on school and college applications when you’re basically homeless, but Mama Fields was like: “Unless you want your future to fall apart like the foundations of our house, you better go to school and graduate~” Pam is right, and I think a degree in architecture is looking pretty useful to Emily right about now!
Emily meets up with her supervisor Zoe for a coffee date. This is one of those scenes where Emily thinks she’s being “charming” and “friendly”, but in reality Zoe has the hots for her and she only travelled all the way to Rosewood because there’s a possibility that they might hook up. If Emily was just some ugly guy, you know Zoe would have been like: “Okay, here’s your reference letter in an e-mail attachment. Have a nice life and never bother me again.”
1.) This bitch wants Emily SOOOOO BADLY. She showed up on screen with her tongue wagging out, practically drooling and salivating at the sight of Emily.
Zoe: This town is almost as photogenic as you. Almost.
OH MY GOD, SIMMER DOWN ZOE. Most people just say “Hello!” or “How are you?” as a greeting! I was surprised Zoe didn’t drop down on her knees and start licking Emily’s clitoris on the spot, because you know this desperate ho was ready to do it on a moment’s notice.
Zoe: Close enough. I figure when I got your email, it was worth the detour.
2.) Oh please. You know Zoe was probably halfway across the equator preserving the rainforests in Guatemala until she received Emily’s email, and then she was like EMILY BECKONS ME! I MUST DROP EVERYTHING AND BOOK THE FIRST FLIGHT HOME TO MEET UP WITH HER!!!
Emily: I still miss her…
Zoe: You don’t have to tell me. I saw your face when you got off the plane. I thought it would take an entire summer to rebuild you.
3.) Can anybody say ~*love at first sight*~??? There were probably a lot of ugly people on her expedition team that summer, so as soon as Emily stepped foot out of that plane, Zoe’s libido immediately went like “oh baby i wanna piece of dat~ :D”
4.) BTW, I love how Zoe subtly brought up Maya as a topic of conversation, so that she can find out whether Emily is single/available to date right now. VERY SMOOTH ZOE. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE GURL~
I also find it very interesting these were all pictures of Emily wearing tiny tank tops as she holds various power tools in her hand. *knowing look* Mmhmm. I think we all know these pix kept Zoe’s motor running during many lonely nights in Haiti, yes gurl yes.
Very interesting choice of words there, Zoe. I wonder what Freud would say about using “you” and “I” and “sleep” in the same sentence together.
Zoe: You don’t need to sell yourself to me, Emily!
WHOAAAAA. Who said anything about Emily selling her body to you!? Get your mind out of the gutter, Zoe!!! WHAT A PERVERTED BITCH WITH FILTHY ONE-TRACK MIND.
Pam: OH HAI GURL, I’M CURRENTLY UNDER POLICE INVESTIGATION + DID I MENTION OUR FAMILY IS LIVING IN A MOTEL…NICE TO MEET YOU, ZOE~
Emily: Nobody asked you, mom. Nobody asked.
Afterwards, Zoe was like *gurrrrrl u living in a motel lmao* but deep down you know this is a MASSIVE TURN-ON for her because a hokey pokey humanitarian like Zoe gotta have some kind of homeless chick fetish. I bet she cruises for da ladiez at soup kitchens & women’s shelters, ya know?
Emily: She even said that she’d give me some leadership role. Maybe team captain or something, and supervise the new volunteers.
This Zoe bitch, man. She’ll literally say anything to get inside Emily’s pants. Oh sure, you have approximately three weeks of official qualifications, but you can still be the *leader* or *team captain* or *humanity superhero* or whatever imaginary title she can come up with as long as Emily goes on this trip with her.
On the other hand… SHIT PAM, GET IT TOGETHER GURRRRRRL! UR LIFE = *lol hot mess* & CRYING ABOUT IT AIN’T GONNA MAKE UR DOODOO STINK LESS~~~
Mike Montgomery’s first gay hook-up
1.) Apparently, Mike wants to learn self-defence because his teammates are bullying him or some shiz? Once again, PLL keeps his storyline on the downlow, so we *hear* about stuff happening but we don’t actually get to *see* the bullying take place. It’s rly strange that Mike keeps having these storylines where he’s the main focus, yet none of the scenes feature him at all. What gives? -_-”
2.) Does anyone find it strange there are so many fighter dudes in Aria’s life? So far, the list includes: Jake, Mike, Holden, and even that Malcolm kid took a karate class or two. Is there some fight club in Rosewood that we aren’t aware of? What’s going on?
4.) Mike probably enrolled in the class as soon as he saw Jake in that tank top filled out by those biceps. Mmhmm. Can you blame him? I bet he’d love nothing more than to let Jake pin him down on the dojo mat and shove a sweaty fist down into his…Mikehole.
Aria: What time do you think you’re gonna be home…
Mike: Just don’t wait up. It’s important! I need to spend time with these guys!
Aria: Why? O_O
Aria is slow on the uptake and can’t read between the lines, so let’s break it down for her: MIKE IS GOING OUT TO GET LAID. Duhhh! “Just don’t wait up” is like the universal code for “Imma get lucky tonight~” Evidently, there’s a LGBTQ mixer happening and Mike wants to find himself a rebound after his break-up with Connor, so stop cockblocking him sis!
Aria: Who’s this?
Douchebag: Mike’s butler. Who’s this?
Aria: It’s his sister. Can you just put him on the phone please?
Douchebag: Hey guys! Guys! Is Mike back there? *laughs* He’s not conscious. Yet.
WHOAAAA. He’s already unconscious!? What is Mike doing back there? SOUNDS LIKE DRUGZ. It seems like Mike might be consuming a lot of cock and cocaine at this party of his!
Aria: No, not undressed! Unconscious!
Mike: He was just messing with you!
WHOAAAA. It’s not even 9PM yet and Mike already found himself in a state of undress. That slut moves fast! By the way, “undressed” and “unconscious” are two words that sound completely different, which goes to show you what is exactly on Mike Montgomery’s mind tonight!
Aria: You’re not coming home at all?
Mike: It’s three blocks away! I’ll see you in the morning! *hangs up*
WHOAAAA. Staying over at a guy’s house and not coming home until the next morning? That could only mean one thing! I HOPE MIKE REMEMBERS TO USE PROTECTION!!!
I think the writers need to understand that Jake’s appeal is entirely *physical* and not at all *verbal*, so less clothes along with less dialogue is the right direction for his character. Kthx~
Aria: NO JAKE, THE PURPOSE OF THIS SCENE IS FOR US TO PLUG THIS ADVERTISER’S MOVIE. BROUGHT TO YOU BY OUR SPONSORS, INSIDIOUS: CHAPTER 2. COMING TO A CINEMA NEAR YOU. ALSO AVAILABLE IN 3-D!!!
Jake: Have you seen the first one?
Aria: YES. MANY TIMES. BECAUSE I BOUGHT IT ON DVD, BLU RAY, LIMITED COLLECTOR’S EDITION WITH HOURS OF UNSEEN FOOTAGE, SPECIAL CREW COMMENTARY, AND THE DIRECTOR’S CUT. ALSO AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX!!!
This week’s #deadmama footnote
Beckett: I’m Beckett! Beckett Frye. I’m interning with your mother. Goldberg Penn Law School alumni fellow.
Wow, that’s a very detailed backstory for an entirely irrelevant character, especially since nobody asked for his life history! Okay, thanks for sharing Beckett!
Veronica: What do you think of Beckett?
Spencer: I…don’t think anything yet?
Veronica: You’ll like him. He’s smart.
First of all, when have you heard Veronica compliment anybody during all four seasons of the show? That’s like an instant giveaway right there. And second of all, Mama Hastings usually has a face of thunder, so I think it’s very telling when she was *ALL SMILES* giggling over how smart is her precious little law intern. Ohohoho, Veronica has got it BAD for this guy!
Veronica: Honey, your dad wants you to meet him at the club for dinner. We’re going to be working here for a while.
Hint hint: Spencer, get out of the house so that mama can get busy with this rosy cheeked intern. OMG! The nerve of this woman, cheating on her husband under his own roof! I know Papa Hastings hasn’t appeared for a while, but that’s still no excuse to cheat on your man! Keep your panties on, Veronica!
Does anyone feel like we’re in a horror movie and there’s just no escape from the ominous terror that is Marion Cavanaugh? Every episode, I feel we’re in the clear of her unholy presence, but suddenly there’s some DEADMAMA bullshit just right around the corner. You can never get away from her! Her dead spirit haunts us in every episode, every storyline, and every scene. This woman is worse than A! She’s literally EVERYWHERE on this show!
Instead, here’s a quote from Eddie that perfectly encapsulates my thoughts!
Eddie: Spencer, if I were you, I would put this back where I found it and forget I ever saw it. It’s not going to change anything. Not for you, not for Toby, not for Toby’s mother.
Spencer: That is not useless! That’s about Wilden, and Radley, and Toby’s mom!
Veronica: It’s not relevant! Honey, nothing we do or say is going to bring back Toby’s mother! If you want to help Toby, help him move on!
How dare you, non-believer! One day, the truth will come out about Marion Cavanaugh being our merciful lord and saviour! You may laugh now, but we’ll see who’s laughing when the holy mother rises from the dead to bless humanity with her divine justice, goodness, and grace!